03x19 - The Ones

[bunniefuu]

Hi.

I'm looking for an engagement ring.

Are you sure?

Maybe you should have had a ring the first time you proposed.

Then Elisa wouldn't have said no.

She didn't say no.

She said we should think about it.

Yeah, that does not mean yes.

In my experience, "let's think about it" usually ends up with me watching solid gold in my basement on prom night.

The point is I have thought about it, and I haven't changed my mind.

In fact, I've coined a new term to describe what Elisa is to me:

The one. The one?

As in the only one for me.

The one I'm meant to be with. Get it? The one.

Yeah, you should be a writer.

Whoa, check out the bling!

Or whatever it's called now. Aah!

[Chuckles]

Oh!

Good god. I got it!

Oh, god, there's a vent!

She's very... spirited. Like a show horse.

You're a lucky man.

Oh, no, no. She's not the bride.

This is the one I am marrying.

Oh, my apologies, sir.

Please follow me to the real showroom.

Yes.

My finger is caught in the vent.

Hey, where are my sno balls?

I was gonna go to the gym later, so I deserve a treat.

Oh, miss Lemon, we can't have coconut products out anymore because of staff allergies.

What? No, allergies are psychosomatic.

The only reason I'm allergic to dogs is because one bit me the first time I got my period.

No, allergies are real.

If I have a strawberry, my throat shuts up faster than a girl in math class.

I didn't know you had allergies.

You know if my cousin Stephanie eats a walnut, her throat shuts up faster than a Filipino at a...

Guys! Come on. Not okay.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Rossitano, no unauthorized food.

Don't worry, no food in here, Kenneth.

Just a doughnut box with a mouse in it.

Oh, are the pranksmen going after Lutz again?

Someone say my name?

Hey, look. Awesome! Doughnuts!

Aah! Aah!

[Gasps] Oh!

[Exciting jazz music]

♪ ♪

Hey, we've narrowed it down, Liz Lemon.

Oh, great. What are we talking about?

Tracy has to get a present for his wife.

This Saturday is the 20th anniversary of the night that me and Angie met.

She was working at the Dyker heights Arthur Treacher's, and I was residing there.

She slipped me a free shrimp combo, and we've been together ever since.

So this present has to be special.

It's either gonna be a denim jacket that says "hot bitch" in diamonds...

Uh-huh. Or a slanket.

Yeah, Angie doesn't want that.

Why don't you just ask Angie what she wants instead of spending all this money on junk?

You are wise, Liz Lemon.

Like a genetically manipulated shark.

So as a token of my gratitude, I got something specially for you.

Wow.

I'll take that slanket too if you're not gonna use it.

Puerto rican!

That's interesting.

I mean puerto rico, where you're supposed to be.

When did you get back?

Actually, Lemon, three weeks ago.

What? Why doesn't Jack know that?

Because I don't know what to do.

I'm afraid he's gonna want to go through with his proposings of marriage.

Sorry, I haven't spoken English in two menses.

Are you saying that you don't want to go through with his proposings of marriage?

I don't understand, Elisa. You love him.

I do.

That's why I call him "El uno." Yeah.

But I cannot marry him because of a terrible secret.

Please don't ask me what it is.

I won't. I don't want to know.

Are you a man?

Really? That's your guess, a man?

You want to see me naked? Sort of.

I love Jack so much.

I don't think I have the strength to tell it to his head.

That's why I was hoping that you...

Oh, no, no, no!

Oh, thank you for doing what I cannot.

Good-bye forever, Liz Lemon.

[Sighs]

Well, I see why he likes it.

I hope you guys have learned a lesson.

Because of what you did, we almost lost a monitor.

[Laughing] I'm sorry.

You're a big fan of mine, and you're not gay?

Not even bi-curious?

I don't know what to tell you.

I love your show. I read your blog.

I've got all your albums.

Even the one you did with Phil spector.

I still think that would have sold much better if he had shot me in the face.

Well, I'm glad you didn't get shot in the face.

Thank you. But if you had...

I would have liked to have gotten that call.

That would have been nice.

Jenna, US Weekly is calling to confirm a story that your animal rescue shelter is supplying quesadilla meat to amusement parks.

What?! I need to call my lawyer.

I'll be right back. Don't go anywhere.

Dude, we gotta go, man.

I stole some pens.

Mr. Lutz, this is my telephone number.

Please give it to Jenna Maroney.

You okay? Good.

Hey, Jack. Do you have a sec?

It's over, Lemon. It's over before it started.

Drink with me.

I'm sorry, but I'm glad it didn't have to come from me.

What are you talking about? What are you talking about?

Wig-go.com, Sheinhardt wigs' user-generated video content site.

All anybody posted on it were penises.

What did you want to talk to me about?

Hey, Jack! Right, okay.

I have been trying to figure out how to not tell you this.

- Mi amor. Querida.

I'm back. Let's get married.

I'll call plunder and have them hold a table so we can celebrate in style.

And carbo-load for the reunion sex.

Lemon, isn't it wonderful?!

[Whispering] Don't dare say anything about what I told you about my secret.

I'm not going to because you have to.

[Yelps in pain] [Laughing loudly]

♪ Baby cried the day the circus came to town ♪ Uh, you okay?

Oh, I didn't see you there. I'm fine.

[Loudly] ♪ don't cry out loud ♪ You sure you don't want to talk about something?

Well, it's kinda none of your business, but all right.

I met this cute paramedic yesterday.

He thinks I'm incredible. We're perfect for each other.

But he left before I could get his name.

Well, I'm sure there's a way to find out.

I called 911.

They wouldn't even connect me to their celebrity service.

I don't know what to do.

Huh, you know, your dilemma reminds me of a book I read once.

Ugh, see you later, Pete.

No, no, no. Listen, listen, listen.

There's this question psychiatrists use to identify sociopaths.

A woman goes to her mother's funeral, where she meets the perfect man. It's love at first sight.

But he leaves before she finds out who he is.

So what does she do to see him again?

She kills her father, hoping that the guy will come to that funeral too.

That's correct. Oh, boy.

Thanks for the advice.

No, no, no, that wasn't advice.

But of course, she'd also have to k*ll her father's doorman and anyone else who might have seen her.

And you for giving her the idea in the first place.

[Laughter]

Liz Lemon, you dummy!

I'm wearing it as a joke.

I asked Angie what she wanted for our anniversary, and she wants me to get a tattoo of her name.

Well, okay. You like tattoos.

And above it she wants this picture of her face.

I can't have this on my chest scaring off beautiful women in the clubs.

Tracy...

You know I like to socialize, Liz Lemon.

And you know my signature move with the ladies is taking off your shirt. Taking off my shirt

♪ ♪ Now it's a Sophie's choice.

I can't get this tattoo, and I can't tell Angie no.

What do you want me to say, Tracy?

I'm sorry I made it harder for you to cheat on your wife?

That's a start, Liz Lemon.

That's a start.

Strawberries!

My real name is d*ck Whitman.

Oh, someone call the cute guy at 911!

Lemon, I need to ask you something about Elisa.

Did she say anything to you, anything at all, about a secret...

Desire to keep her maiden name?

Oh, no. Sorry.

Because I'd like her to be Elisa Donaghy, but if she wants to be Elisa Padriera-Donaghy, then...

Elisa Padriera?

[Gasps]

La viuda negra!

What? What does that mean?

The black widow.

Elisa has a terrible secret.

My current theory is she's the mother of those Michael Jackson kids.

Okay, I searched Elisa Padriera and the black widow, but all the web sites are in Spanish.

Blue writing on green. Why?!

Call that cleaning lady back.

We need somebody who speaks Spanish.

I speak Spanish.

Puerto rican! - La viuda negra!

Really, Lemon?

Jack, let me explain.

Elisa, there is nothing you can say that will change the way I feel.

I'm so sorry to tell you such a dark tale while wearing such a silly t-shirt.

I was married once, and I k*lled my husband.

It was a crime of passion.

He cheated on me.

And in a rage I took my revenge.

You know me, Jack.

I'm a catholic.

I take the bonds of marriage very seriously.

Why aren't you in jail?

They threw my case out.

I couldn't get an impartial jury after that song about me came out.

♪ Elisa, Elisa ♪

♪ la viuda negra ♪

♪ Elisa ♪ I guess I'm glad you know.

I understand if this changes everything.

It's up to you.

[Whispering] My god, I already put my wedding announcement in cigar aficionado.

How about this?

You get the tattoo, but when you hit the clubs, you draw a mane around the face with a marker and make it look like a lion named "tangiers."

Dotcom, that is a great idea!

If you want everyone to think I own a gay lion!

Tangiers?!

No judgment in brainstorming.

Look, this is my reputation we're talking about here!

Use your heads!

The Moroccan national soccer team is the lions.

Tangiers is in Morocco.

So, yeah, I guess i'm an idiot.

Have you ever met anyone that's k*lled somebody?

I think my grandpa may have.

But he never really liked to talk about what happened at Kent state.

I still want to marry Elisa.

Wow, you do? Really?

So she had one bad day.

Being in a relationship means overlooking certain flaws.

I mean, somewhere right now, a guy is on a jdate with Monica Lewinsky... Nobody's perfect.

Jack... I'm 50.

To put it in perspective, that's like 32 for ladies.

How many more Elisas am I going to meet?

Okay, well, god bless.

I guess I just really don't understand men.

Nobody ever said you did, Lemon.

[Sarcastic mutter]

Pardon me. Excuse me.

I'm sorry, what are you two doing here?

Where's the hot guy?

Ma'am, are you taking any medication?

Yes.

Where's the cute paramedic who was here last night?

He was wearing a uniform. He was totally into me.

If he was here at night, he must work the evening shift.

So there are different shifts?

Like on a Sheik's pleasure yacht.

Thank you.

Lemon.

It's not product placement. I just like it.

What? What?

What if I marry Elisa and I accidentally cheat?

She could snap again.

She's very passionate, and she doesn't react well to betrayal.

Why won't you open?!

Yes. What a quandary.

Oh, wait, I have a suggestion... don't cheat.

But you never know, Lemon.

What if I find myself stranded in a snow cave with a stern but comely lady geologist, both of us knowing that our only chance for survival is the heat from our naked bodies?

Sorry, I just do not get you guys.

Again, that is not being disputed.

But my options for male advice around here are limited.

So I think the pranksmen should all wear fedoras.

Could the hats have feathers? Yes! Yes!

Face it, you are the closest thing to a man working here right now.

[Sighs] Well, dude, I guess you gotta find a comely geologist and a snow cave and see what happens.

Tracy, I need your help.

My fiancee m*rder*d her ex-husband when he cheated on her.

Continue.

I love her.

But the only way I can make sure that I won't stray...

Is for me to arrange a test of erotic temptation.

Yes. Exactly.

We're going out tonight, Jackie D, and you're gonna be tempted like Jesus in the wilderness.

Jesus is my stereo guy, and the wilderness is a club I took him to once.

Jenna, come quick. Kenneth's passed out again.

Oh, no, I can't believe this is happening during night shift!

Oh, for god sakes! What is this, third watch?

Somehow Kenneth ate strawberries again, and now he's gone into acute strawberry shock.

Is that a thing?

Just ask this real EMT.

We're gonna have to cut off his hands to get the sickness out.

He's gonna have to learn how to urinate with his feet.

How could this have happened again?!

It's my fault. I did it.

I just wanted that hot EMT to come back.

I didn't mean for it to go this far.

Kenneth, I'm so sorry. But I am not a monster.

I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy she poisoned so this other boy would go to town on her.

I think she's had enough, sirs.

Aw, Kenneth! What's happening?

Is this a trick? I knew it!

I was just playing along. No, seriously, what's happening?

Jenna, do you feel genuine remorse?

Thank god.

Sociopath downgraded to extreme narcissist.

Now quit it with the strawberry stuff.

Or you might once again feel the righteous lash of the pranksmen.

Is that a thing?

[Dance music]

Hey, tray.

You and your friend wanna party later?

Sure thing, baby.

Give the kid a call.

Holla. This is decadent.

And I once went to Miami with Darryl strawberry.

Tip of the iceberg, Jackie D.

You can have all of this whenever you want.

Or you can marry that nice lady that you're in love with.

It's up to you.

Look, I love Elisa. But you love Angie, right?

Of course I do. Angie's the one.

The one? Where did you hear that?

It's a thing I made up after seeing the ma Trix.

Well, Elisa is my one.

But Tracy, sometimes I think men like us aren't built for marriage.

Okay, this is something I've never told anyone.

This is my terrible secret.

In the 20 years that I've known her...

I've never cheated on my wife.

There. I said it.

Don't look at me.

Wait a minute. That can't be the truth.

The partying is just for show.

And because I'm a high-functioning alcoholic.

All the phone numbers you see me hand out, they're not even mine.

[Telephone rings]

Hello?

No, this isn't Tracy Jordan.

Really?

I've not heard of that term before.

Do you know how to get to Connecticut?

Oh, my god. That's an inspiration.

I mean, if you can do it... So can you.

Because I'm a ridiculous, unstable human being.

What is wrong with me?

I mean, if Elisa's only flaw is that she demands I be faithful, then I will be faithful!

And if Angie wants me to get a tattoo of her to prove my love, then I'm getting that tattoo!

Grizz, get the car. Dotcom, get the coats.

And which one of you ladies wants to pick up the tab?

[All] Oh, me! Me!

I put strawberry juice in your chickpeas.

And in your water.

And on your harmonica. My what?

Oh, you mean my mouth radio?

I am so sorry, Kenneth.

I just want you to know that I would not do this to you for just any guy.

He was special.

I really thought that he was... the one.

Oh, miss Maroney, it's horrible to think you might have found your true love, only to lose him.

It hurts more than my foot Botox to know that he's out there, and I have no way to find him.

When you call 911, tell them they have to send everyone.

Earn... this!

Oh...

You remarkable son of a bitch!

[Happily] We have an emergency!

♪ Workin' on my night cheese ♪

[Knock on door]

Oh... Jack?

Do you know what time it is? I was sound asleep.

I heard you singing "night cheese."

Lemon, I've had a crazy night.

We all can learn a lot from Tracy Jordan.

We went out clubbing.

His life is like enron, 1999.

It's wild. I'm sure it was.

How are you so quiet when your parades are so loud?

You were supposed to be thinking about us.

And you spent the whole night partying with that black guy!

Did she not come here with you?

Have you been following me?

And then you come here at 4:00 in the morning?!

I knew your relationship was too weird not to be sexual!

Okay, everybody be cool.

Wait a minute, you're jealous of Lemon?

That's insane. Yeah, come on, look at me.

Ooh.

Elisa, I proved to myself tonight that I would never cheat on you.

That's why I went out with Tracy.

And I came to Liz's because...

Because she's your bro. Exactly.

Oh...

Elisa, this is troubling.

And how do you think I feel?

I get a ring on my finger for one day and I start acting like Glenn close in atraccion fatal.

Oh, that has a whole different title here.

Lemon, isn't there a slanket somewhere you should be filling with your farts?

Shoo.

Baby, this is my curse.

I love too deeply.

And eventually it makes me loco for choco-puffs.

- Querida, if you ever find yourself less in love with me, I hope you'll give me a call.

But if tonight is what it's going to be like, obviously, engagement-wise, we are not going to forge ahead.

Is it my English, or was that not a great breaking-up speech?

It was your English. That was quite moving.

Boy, you look happy.

What, did you settle that lawsuit over your exercise tape?

Even better.

I had an amazing date last night.

And it's all thanks to Kenneth.

Oh, it was nothing.

Sure, I was legally dead for five minutes, but I did it for true love.

Actually, it turns out Roger has sole custody of his five-year-old son, so pffft!

Wait a minute, you were dead?

Oh, I'm fine.

But I think I brought something back with me.

[Shivers, exhales]

Tracy, did you even go home last night?

And where is your shirt?

No, and at large.

I might've went out and had a little too much to drink last night, but you'll be proud of me, Liz Lemon Cool J.

'Cause I went out and got that tattoo Angie wanted me to get.

Pow!

How you like me now?

[Tracy chuckles]

Wow, that is one gay lion.

♪ Elisa, Elisa ♪

♪ la viuda negra ♪

♪ Elisa, Elisa ♪

♪ la viuda negra ♪

♪ Elisa, Elisa ♪

♪ la viuda negra ♪

♪ Elisa, Elisa ♪

♪ la viuda negra ♪

♪ yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ yeah, yeah ♪

♪ yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Elisa, Elisa ♪

♪ la viuda negra ♪

♪ Elisa, Elisa ♪

♪ la viuda negra ♪

♪ yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ yeah, yeah, yeah ♪