05x04 - Live Show

[bunniefuu]

(Woman) 10 minutes. That's 10 minutes to air.

Cast should be changing for the cold open.

[ Sighs ]

Hey, you wanted to see me?

Does it seem weird in here to you?

[ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Everything looks like a Mexican soap opera.

I don't know. Does it?

Good god, I can see every line and pore in your face.

It looks like a ymca climbing wall.

Yeah. My face cream was recalled.

Apparently, it was destroying the lab rats'...

Uh, oh, what is that word? Brains.

Ah. I just wanted to let you know that while Avery is pregnant, I am giving up drinking.

If she can't drink, I won't drink.

Wow. I don't know if that's a good idea for you.

Do you remember what happened that time I tried to give up refined sugars?

Hey, looking good, Liz.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Thank you. Thank you.

But you know what?

Our bodies... we don't want all that processed junk.

I don't know if you've read Michael Pollan's...

Who wants donuts?

[ Chuckles ]

I will k*ll you!

Why are you better-looking in your memory?

My memory has "Seinfeld" money.

Oh.

Well, don't worry for me.

Drinking has always been about the ritual, so I just have to replace the ritual.

And Avery got me this nice tea set, some knitting needles and yarn, and a book on sleight-of-hand magic.

♪ Dah, dah-dah-dah ♪

♪ dah-dah, dah-dah-dah ♪

♪ dah, dah-dah-dah ♪ ♪ dah-dah, dah-dah ♪

♪ dah-dah-dah, dah-dah ♪ ♪ dah ♪ That's as far as I've gotten.

Okay, well, uh, if that's it, I'm just gonna go downstairs.

Yeah, have a good show.

I'm, uh, dreading watching it sober.

[ Chuckles ]

Hey, um, Jack knows it's my birthday, right?

Hmm. Let me see.

Oh, I have my master list of staff birthdays right here.

Oh, no.

I seem to have forgotten to put you on it.

Uh-huh. Is this because of that joke I made the other day?

[ Clears throat ] Jonathan, get me a pen!

Yeah, chai boy, get in here.

"You'll never be a millionaire."

[ Laughs ]

"Slumdog millionaire" ref...

Blammo.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Whatever. Jack will remember my birthday because we're friends.

Also, it's a pretty big birthday.

[ Chuckling ] Oh.

Are you turning 1,000?

Really, you want to play this game with a comedy writer?

Oh! Aah!

Ugh!

♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ live show, it's the "30 rock" live show ♪

♪ it's "30 rock" live ♪ ♪ it's live, there's a lot more perk ♪

♪ it's a chance, but it might not work ♪

♪ why, though, do a "30 rock" live show? ♪

♪ Why "30 rock" live? ♪ ♪ 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 ♪

♪ because this is my gift to you, our audience ♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

Oh, hi. Hi, Edwiga.

Hellos.

Haven't seen you in a while.

Yes. b*llet in brain move.

[ Chuckles ]

Much hospital.

Oh, my god. Well, so, I'm glad to see you back.

Oh, you know, I wanted to let you know there's probably gonna be some kind of a party later

'cause it's my birthday.

Ooh!

"Happy days" is my favorite show.

Yes, "happy days" is a... is a great show, but... but, well, anyway, there might be a mess, and... are we understanding each other?

Yeah, yeah.

I-I clean you now? No, no. No, you don't...

You don't have to clean me. I'm just saying you may have to clean up after a surprise party later 'cause it's my birthday, and it's a big one. Wah!

Wah! Wah!

Wah! Wah! What are we doing, Edwiga?

I like Fonzie. Okay.

"Hey!"

His office is bathroom, just like Edwiga.

[ Elevator bell dings ]

Okay. Good talk, Edwiga.

Wah! Wah!

Oh, miss Maroney.

I have your messages.

A Mr. Brett fav-re stopped by and dropped off this picture of a hot dog.

There you go. Finally.

[ Chuckles ] Oh, and the Chilean miners are all out, and they are very angry about what you've been saying about them.

Oh, so I guess they're geniuses for getting stuck in a mine.

Uh, also, your pharmacy called, and apparently, you can't get a prescription for ecstasy.

[ Chuckles ] [ Sighs ]

Thanks, obamacare.

If you need someone to scream at, I'm right here. Hey, Kenneth.

Oh. [ Chuckles ]

Hello, Ms. Lemon.

[ Giggles ]

What's up, giggly?

Oh, I don't know. Nothing.

Mr. Hornberger needs to see you in Mr. Jordan's dressing room right away.

Oh, really? I wonder why.

I don't know. You better find out.

[ Laughs ]

Surprise, Liz!

Tracy's come up with a new way to ruin the show. What? No, no.

I told you... your lizard cannot be the musical guest. Of course not.

His album doesn't drop until December.

No, no, Liz.

Last night, for the first time ever, Tracy watched the non-p*rn version of "the Carol Burnett show."

Sure.

It was funnier than the p*rn version, and the best part is when the actors started cracking up.

They laughed so hard, they couldn't even finish the skit.

Uh-huh. And your point is...

I would like to do that, please.

Do what?

cr*ck up instead of saying these stupid lines I wrote.

Hey, stupid lines I wrote, and, no, we're not doing that.

You never take my creative suggestions.

The only other one I can remember is when you wanted me to hire those two strippers to dance behind you.

And you should have. Those dudes were awesome...

And so is my cr*ck-up idea.

Okay. Tracy, what you're talking about is called

"breaking," and, you know, sure, audiences love it when something goes wrong.

Okay, but we don't do that here.

It's cheap, okay, so no breaking.

Promise? I promise.

I swear on my mother's grape.

Okay. Wait. Did you say "grave" or "grape"?

Yes, goodbye.

[ Door closes ]

Gentlemen, tonight, I'm gonna laugh harder than I did at Dot Com's play.

It was "angels in america," tray.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, Ms. Lemon, Mr. Donaghy called.

Yeah. Why are you giggling like that?

It's very misleading.

Oh, I'm sorry.

It's just Mr. Lutz is wearing the most hilarious t-shirt, and every time I see it, well, just take a look.

Ha!

[ Laughs ]

Whoever's standing next to him is stupid. [ Laughs ]

That guy is stupid!

Now she's stupid. Now they are.

Now I were.

[ Laughs ]

Anyway... mr. Donaghy called while you were in with Mr. Jordan.

He needs to see you right away. Okay.

Oh, Liz.

I almost forgot.

"Happy birthday"...

The song... legal says we can't use it in the birthday sketch, but we can use "it's your b-day, bitch," by Snooki's mom.

Wait. Did I just hear that correctly?

Because last year, I wrote a song called "it's your birthday, slut."

Does Mrs. Polizzi's track sound anything like this?

♪ You say that it's your birthday ♪

♪ time to skank it up hard ♪

♪ choke a cop with your panties ♪ No? No?

Thank you. Thank you.

Did you just knit that?

I need a drink, Lemon.

Oh, already? Okay, w-we can get through this.

It turns out it's not the ritual.

According it a bunch of online questionnaires, I have a drinking problem.

Oh, god, I have a splitting headache!

Okay. Replace the ritual.

Replace the ritual. Could you come over here, please?

Yeah. Here we go. Shh!

Did you finish the magic book?

I cannot divulge my secrets.

I don't want to let Avery down, but this is so hard.

Distract me, Lemon. Entertain me.

Okay. Uh, open on the covent garden flower market.

The year... 1892!

[ Cockney accent ] Flowers, flowers for sale!

Get out of here!

Did he remember your birthday?

Oh, come on.

[ Sighs ]

[ Jazz music plays ]

15 seconds. What's up, New York?

Tracy Jordan in the house!

[ Cheers and applause ]

You're the real stars!

Not really!

[ Dramatic music plays ]

Fox news, a division of fox nonsense, incorporated.

Welcome back to fox news.

I'm blond.

President Obama, in your own words, why are you a t*rror1st who hates america?

That's an excellent question. Uh-oh!

I'm doing something called "breaking"!

[ Laughs maniacally ]

Snort! Hee-hee! Giggle, giggle!

The audience loves this.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Oh, that idiot.

[ Sighs ] Fine. Just go to commercial.

Go to commercial.

[ Mid-tempo music plays ]

Erectile dysfunction...

It's not just a dog problem anymore.

It also affects millions of men.

Hello. I'm "doctor" Leo Spaceman.

For too long, erectile dysfunction has been viewed as a physical problem, and it's been treated with pills and ointments and contraptions whose straps break all too easily.

But couldn't the real cause of E.D. be that we haven't produced a good doing-it song since "close the door" by Teddy Pendergrass?

That's why I recorded an album.

[ Slow music plays ]

♪ Baby, let's take it slow ♪

♪ you know, we've got all night ♪

♪ light some candles, draw a bath, and start off with full-on intercourse ♪ Guaranteed to end erectile dysfunction, these are the sweet sounds of "Dr. Leo Spaceman's love storm: An ultra-strength audio reboneulator."

♪ Baby, let's let the dog watch us ♪

♪ do you think he understands the love that we have? ♪

♪ Oops, I'm finished ♪

♪ call yourself a cab ♪

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Hey, idiot!

Liz, I know we're not usually the most grateful bunch, but everybody here... And I mean everybody...

Is signing this birthday card for Edwiga, the cleaning lady.

Really? Edwiga's birthday?

I look out for her. We're friends with benefits.

Tracy, you should be ashamed of yourself.

I can't be. I'm missing that part of my brain.

Why are you doing this?

Why does anybody do anything?

They're rich or they have attention deficit disor...

Look at Lutz's shirt.

[ Laughs ]

Ah!

You are ruining the show. No more laughing.

All right, no more laughing. I promise.

Kraut's honor.

Wait.

Did you say "scout" or "kraut"? Goodbye!

[ Cellphone ringing ]

Carol, I knew you wouldn't forget me today.

No nonessential chatter, Liz.

I'm having the worst flight of my career.

We got wind shears, lightning, severe turbulence.

The in-flight meal was a frittata.

Oh, my god. At night?

Lizzie, if something were to happen, I-I just... I want you know that I...

I need you to go to Raleigh, to my apartment, and just clear out all the p*rn before my mom gets there.

That's it?

Yeah. I-I also need you to TiVo "bones" for me in case I survive.

No. You know what, Carol?

Today is a very special day, and you should have known that, and you should also know that you can't use cellphones on planes.

No, that's just something we tell passengers. It...

[ electricity powering down ]

Oh, hello! Hold on.

[ Electricity powering up ]

All right, yeah, I-I think I just screwed up something with my girlfriend.

You know, I've always loved you.

Not now, Kevin.

Copy that.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Liz, how could you let Tracy do that to me?

Don't worry. It's under control...

I am a professional, Liz. Yep.

I have never broken during a performance, ever.

I was onstage in "pippin" with Irene Ryan when she d*ed, and I kept going.

That is why you are so amazing.

Oh, I will never break, Liz, but if he tries that stunt again, I will have a wardrobe malfunction.

Yes, I will slip a nip, Liz.

So help me, I will slip a nip.

Hi, Edwiga. How are you?

Sit on it!

[ Chuckles ]

[ Inhales deeply ] [ Exhales deeply ]

[ Inhales deeply ] [ Exhales deeply ]

Are you sniffing paint?

Of course I am, Lemon. Men need alcohol.

It's the first thing every civilization makes, along with weapons and shelters to enjoy prostitutes.

I don't know how much more of this I can take.

This is the worst day of my life.

Of your life?

Of your life?

Oh, god. How are we going to make this about you?

It's my birthday, Jack!

It is my 40th birthday, and no one remembered!

Damn you, she-beasts!

What?

You and Avery... you lay these traps for me to fail!

[ Inhales deeply ] [ Exhales deeply ]

I'm sorry I forgot your birthday, Lemon.

It's not my best day.

I'm not myself right now, but please accept this $1,000 as my gift to you.

I will take this on principle, but it doesn't fix anything.

What can I tell you? This is what happens to people like you and I, who put work ahead of everything else.

You know where I spent my 40th birthday?

In my office... All night.

[ Dance music plays ]

Whoo!

Wow. You were very fit back then.

Yes, but my penis was smaller.

[ Sighs ]

Look, Jack, I'm not trying to make you feel guilty.

I mean, I know who I am.

I know I'm not the funnest person in the group.

I'm not the one you call when you want to go clubbing on the town and party dance all night.

Why are you speaking like a persian immigrant?

I don't know.

I thought at least these dummies would do something for me besides light a bunch of fires I have to put out.

I thought that when I turned 40...

40... I could really drink a 40 right now.

Oprah, this is what the inside of a child's face looks like.

Oh, no!

My Oprah wig is falling off!

This is an exciting mishap!

This is live!

What the blerg?!

Ohh!

[ Clears throat ] Jenna.

Yeah? Have you been drinking?

[ Laughing ] No, Jack.

I mean, I had a bottle of wine with dinner.

Can I smell your mouth?

I thought you'd never ask.

Thank you. I really, really needed that.

I've been giving up drinking while Avery's pregnant, and it's really hard.

Oh, of course. But being with someone, Jack, means making sacrifices.

[ Breathes deeply ]

I've learned that by being with Paul.

It's made me so much more mature.

Oh, no, Tracy.

It is nipple time!

Now my moustache is askew!

Oops, that thing fell off...

And that thing, too!

[ Laughs ] Uh-oh!

Now my shirt is accidentally falling off!

[ Laughs ] America!

Oh, I warned you, Liz, and now I am slipping a nip...

The big one.

Go to commercial!

To commercial, go!

[ Mid-tempo music plays ]

Hi, I'm Dr. Drew Baird.

Every year, dozens of people lose a hand to a helicopter or a fireworks mishap or, in my case, both.

But now there's hope.

Thanks to an idea that started as a pitch for a horror movie and grew into a charitable organization, hands from ex*cuted criminals are now making life better for people all over the world...

People like me.

But we can't do it without your support, so give, and give someone a hand.

Sorry. I'm... I'm trying to do a thumbs-up here.

It doesn't always listen. Oh, god, no.

That's a "black power" thing. I really shouldn't.

Come here. No. No! Why are you doing this?!

No, bad hand! Bad! Ohh! Ohh!

Now it's got my testicles!

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Listen up.

We forgot Liz Lemon's birthday, her 40th birthday.

Oh, how? You gave me your list.

Cut it out!

Never mind how it happened... That's water under the bridge.

I'm sorry. We don't have that expression in Canada.

Does that mean that what happened can be used to power a lumber mill?

It means we're going to do something nice for our friend Liz Lemon.

Because she takes care of us, we are going to take care of her, even if we are currently sober for the first time in 10 years.

Not me.

I just got my 10-year drunk chip.

[ All murmuring ] Thank you.

Pete, what can you pull together?

Is there time to do something for Liz on air?

Not really. I mean, I could cut the...

Uh, product placement for capital one.

Oh, you can't do that. The capital one venture card is amazing.

They give double miles every day for every purchase.

Or the cast could say something during "good nights."

No, it has to be big enough that Liz thinks we planned it all along.

Oh, I've got an idea!

What if...

We...

All: Spit it out!

Cast, set yourselves good night, please.

Please set yourselves for good nights.

[ Cellphone ringing ]

Did you crash?

No, no, but it was pretty scary... I mean, well, not like the stuff I saw in the air force, of course...

Like, this one time a bunch of us pilots got together, we went to a haunted house in Germany.

That was messed up!

Today's my birthday, Carol.

It's your birthday. Damn it.

I... sorry. Uh, happy birthday, Lizzie.

Don't worry about it. I've known these dummies a lot a lot longer, and none of them...

Oh, my god.

You did remember.

Wait. Wait. What's happening there? Is that a surprise party?

Surprise! I was totally in on it.

It was really expensive.

Happy birthday, Lemon.

You... you knew all along.

Come on. You didn't think we'd forget your birthday, did you?

30 seconds!

Is that a polka band?

Happy birthday.

Oh! Wait a minute.

Wait. What?

Why is Henry winkler on my cake?

I like Fonzie.

"Hey!"

This is supposed to be for Edwiga.

No, everybody loves the Fonz.

10 seconds.

You stole an old cleaning lady's birthday just to make me happy?

In my defense...

Yes.

That's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.

5 seconds back.

4, 3, 2...

[ shouting in native language ]

[ Polka music plays ]

[ Shouting indistinctly ]

On behalf of everyone here at "TGS," we want to wish...

Good night! Aah! Aah! Help!

Her thumbs are in my eyes!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Well, I know your birthday isn't what you'd hoped, Lemon, but at least it was memorable.

No, you know what? It was perfect.

It was the best of both worlds.

It... oh, yeah, sorry.

It was the best of both worlds you know, I got to feel martyred and indignant all day, and then I still got to eat cake off the floor.

Uh-huh.

But I still have one birthday wish.

I want you to have a drink with me.

Well, I know Avery doesn't want me to, but it's dangerous to say no to an old spinster.

[ Chuckles ]

You might turn me into a crow.

To Liz Lemon.

You're halfway to death.

That's more like it.

[ Sighs ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Are we still on the air?

Thank you to Matt Damon, Rachel Dratch, bill Hader, Jon Hamm, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Garrett Neff, Chris Parnell, everyone at NBC.

"30 rock" crew, I love you!

"SNL" crew, I love you! Good night!

[ Cheers and applause ]

We did it!

We did it once.

We got to do it again.

It's time to watch "the office" right now...

Now!