05x12 - Mr. Monk Is at Your Service

[bunniefuu]

(Paul Buchanan) Yeah, well, I'm looking at the design right here.

You said it would sleep six.

A bunk bed?

Are you mental?

I'm not gonna sleep on a bunk bed.

What is this? A luxury yacht or a summer camp?

It's 4:00, sir. I have your Manhattan.

Formica?

I want mahogany from the stern to the--to the other end.

Well, I hope so.

Because I swear to God, if you don't, I will cancel this contract.

He thinks I'm bluffing.

Do you think I'm bluffing?

I wouldn't know, sir.

You miss them, don't you?

It was the worst day of my life, sir.

I'm sure you feel the same way.

Will that be all, sir?

As a matter of fact, there's something I wanna talk to you about.

I received another one of your letters.

Don't try to deny that it was you.

Before I made the last drop, I marked the bills.

Then I found them in your room.

Since when is blackmail on your list of duties?

Master Paul, I don't know what to say.

I wasn't thinking straight.

You weren't thinking straight?

No, sir. The grief.

Your father's death and your step-mother.

It won't happen again.

Well, you got that right.

[g*nsh*t]

Thank you, Stilson. That'll be all.

[Randy Newman ragtime theme]

* It's a jungle out there

* Disorder and confusion everywhere *

* No one seems to care

* Well, I do

* Hey, who's in charge here?

* It's a jungle out there

* Poison in the very air we breathe *

* You know what's in the water that you drink? *

* Well, I do, and it's a-ma-zing *

* People think I'm crazy 'cause I worry all the time *

* If you paid attention, you'd be worried too *

* You'd better pay attention or this world we love so much *

* Might just k*ll you

* I could be wrong now

* But I don't think so

* 'Cause it's a jungle out there *

* It's a jungle out there *

What's this all about?

Let's go.

Let's have it.

Ah, police announce hiring freeze.

A hiring freeze for the next four years.

By then I'll be too old to be reinstated.

So that's it.

I'll never be a cop again.

All right, Adrian, I am truly sorry.

I know how much reinstatement means to you.

Only everything.

It's my reason for living, that's all.

What do I do now?

I think you go back to what you've been doing.

Consulting. For how long?

I haven't had a new client in weeks.

The department hasn't renewed my contract.

You know, Adrian, I think this is an opportunity for you to make a decision, a very important decision.

Now, you can let this news completely depress you...

Okay. Thank you.

Or... you can look at this like an opportunity.

A chance for you to reassess your life, start over, do something completely different.

Different.

Yeah.

Different can be good.

Different...good.

Different...good.

Adrian, it's not too late.

You know, Winston Churchill did not become Prime Minister until he was 60.

What are you talking about?

I'll never become prime minister.

No, no, I'm not saying that--

I don't even live in England. Even if I did, I--

I'd be such a long sh*t.

Adrian.

It's just an example.

What do I do now?

(Peggy Davenport) And right then, I promised myself I would never fly commercial again.

Thank you.

Mom, it's not even 12:00.

[sighs]

It's 12:05.

Bobby, can I ask you something?

Do you love your job?

Yes, I do.

What do you do exactly?

He inherits money.

I could do that.

I bet I'd be good at that.

There's a hiring freeze at the department, but we're working through it, right?

We'll figure something out. There's always hope.

There's never hope.

Sure, there is.

There's never hope. I wish I drank.

Is it wonderful?

Yeah, it's pretty great.

Oh, you know who asked about you?

Paul Buchanan.

Mm. No, thank you.

Sweetheart, I really don't think you can be so picky.

You aren't getting any younger, you know.

Who's Paul Buchanan?

He lives in the big house up the road.

The big house? This isn't the big house?

He's always had a thing for Natalie.

He's proposed to her twice. (Natalie) He's a creep.

He's a spoiled, arrogant, creepy creep who's just--

He's very creepy.

(Bobby Davenport) Now, now. He's a good man.

You know, that poor boy. He's been through so much.

You heard what happened with his parents.

It's the most incredible story.

They d*ed within ten minutes of each other.

Within ten minutes.

Yeah, it was about a year ago.

Ralph and Camilla, that's Paul's stepmother, were driving home, and they were in his little sports car.

That one he brought over from England.

It was a Morgan, a beautiful machine.

Ralph collected antique cars.

Yeah, well, anyway, they never made it home.

It was about 8:30 at night.

And they were coming around that dangerous curve at the end of Sweeney Road.

The one with the big rock.

I think we passed it when we were coming up.

Isn't there a sign that says slow down?

Obviously Ralph ignored that because the police said he had to be doing at least 80.

Let's say that this is the car.

All right?

Now, this is Ralph, and this is Camilla.

Now, they come speeding around that curve.

They hit the guard rail.

And Camilla wasn't wearing a seat belt, goes flying and boom.

Hits her head on the big rock.

Honey, don't use the paté.

That is not paté, darling. That is the big rock.

And then Ralph calls 911 on his cell.

Oh, it gets worse.

He had a heart att*ck right there on the phone.

(Bobby) While he's calling for help.

So the road curves to the right.

And she was thrown from the car?

Yeah, like this.

[imitates crash]

But if it was a Morgan, a British car, then... then she would have been sitting on the left.

How did she hit the rock?

(Natalie) You know what else?

I remember driving with Mr. Buchanan.

He was the pokiest driver in the world.

We used to tease him about it.

He would not start the car unless you fastened your seatbelts.

You wanna check it out?

Ah, it's probably nothing.

No, let's check it out.

Natalie, it doesn't matter.

I'm not a detective anymore.

Daddy, give me your wallet.

Uh-oh.

Brings back memories, doesn't it?

Yes.

Okay. Here you go.

I am hiring you. We are checking it out.

Well, this section of the guard rail is new.

It must have happened right here.

Car was heading west.

It went off the road here. So you were right.

She couldn't have hit that rock.

It's hard to tell without seeing the police report.

Maybe the car flipped over. Maybe it spun around.

No, I think he did it. I think he k*lled his parents.

You really don't like this guy, do you?

What did he ever do to you?

You really wanna know?

No.

[frog croaks]

What is that noise?

Oh, frogs.

They live in that pond over there.

It's mating season. They go crazy every year.

Frogs... Frog, frog, frog, frog, frog, frog, frog, frog, frog.

Are you afraid of frogs? (Monk) I don't know.

I've never been this close to one.

Yes. The answer is yes.

Put frogs on the list. Where's the list?

Okay-kay-kay-kay.

I got it. I got it.

I got it. Where does it go?

Put them between... possums and, uh... soccer riots.

No-no-no. Uh, after... after soccer riots.

And before, uh, before hailstones.

Yeah, so it goes-- I got it, I got it:

Soccer riots, frogs, hailstones.

At least now we know.

Information really is power.

I'm gonna call my parents and tell them we're gonna be late.

Wait, there's no signal.

There's no service at all.

Are you sure?

How could Ralph Buchanan have called for help?

He couldn't.

He didn't.

Wow.

I know.

I know. Wow, 14 bedrooms.

And he wanted to marry you.

Hey, let me just tell you about Paul Buchanan.

He basically stalked me for three years.

All during high school he just kept on asking me out.

He wouldn't take "drop dead" for an answer.

The week before my senior prom, somebody mugged my boyfriend.

They broke his jaw and both his legs.

14 bedrooms.

Mr. Monk.

He b*at up my boyfriend or hired some thug to do it.

He thinks he can get away with anything.

Like k*lling his father?

I wouldn't put it past him.

All right, so the garage is back there.

The Morgan is inside.

He hasn't even bothered to fix it.

How do you know?

My father saw it the last time he was here.

[groans]

Okay. Okay.

Let's take a look.

I can't go in.

I'll meet you back here in ten minutes.

What are you talking about? I'm not going in there alone.

That would be like me going in some place alone.

Mr. Monk, if he sees you, you can talk your way out of it.

If he sees me, it'd be horrible.

It'd be like high school all over again.

I can't. Here, in case you need it.

[groaning]

Natalie, I really think you're overreacting here.

This was 20 years ago. People get older.

They mature--

[engine revs, tires screech]

Can I help you?

What the hell are you doing?

Sorry. I, uh...

Are you here for the job interview?

Yes, the interview.

Exactly.

Follow me.

He's been waiting for ya.

Sorry to keep you waiting.

This is in case the interview doesn't go well.

Just joking. [chuckles]

I was doing a little hunting.

All right, so you're here from the agency.

Where's your resume?

I lost it.

You lost your resume. Well.

It doesn't bode well, does it?

No.

What's your name?

Adrian.

Adrian?

Melville. Adrian Melville.

Huh. What's with this place?

I had friends over last night.

The room was a mess.

While I was waiting, I sort of tidied up.

Well, I'm impressed. Very well done, Adrian Melville.

Thank you.

Did you do this?

Yeah, sorry. Sorry.

I couldn't help myself.

In 20 minutes.

I've been working on this puzzle for a month.

(Monk) Sorry, I'll mess it up again.

I think I remember exactly how to--

No-no-no-no-no, I got a couple of step sisters who think I never finish anything.

Huh. Well, come on.

Sit down.

Tell me, Melville, who have you worked for?

Anybody I know?

Hmm, I don't think so.

Leland Stottlemeyer, of the San Francisco Stottlemeyers.

Randy Disher. Dr. Charles Cook.

No, I don't know them.

And Natalie Teeger.

Natalie? Really?

She grew up right down the street.

Hmm.

I went to school with her when she was still Natalie Davenport.

She had a big crush on me, wouldn't leave me alone.

Is that right?

How does she look?

Does she still have that tattoo?

She has a tattoo?

I guess you wouldn't have seen it.

Not where she put it. [clicks tongue]

Look, I'm having a big luncheon on Sunday.

A bunch of the old fossils from the family foundation.

You think Natalie'd show up?

Make the afternoon a lot better.

I don't think...

Maybe.

Well, Adrian Melville, I go with my gut.

My gut likes what it sees.

If Natalie Teeger recommends you, that's good enough for me.

Congratulations, you're my new butler.

I'm your butler?

Yeah, come on. I'll show you around.

Your room's upstairs. Grab that drink.

Natalie, it's for you.

Oh, thank you. Hello?

(Monk) Natalie?

Oh, Mr. Monk, thank God.

I'm gonna need you to come and get me now.

Well, what happened? Where are you?

I'm in my bedroom. I work here now.

I'm the butler.

You're the butler?

Yes, your old boyfriend just hired me.

I'm the new manservant.

I think that's great.

Do ya? Do ya really?

Do ya think it's great?

Yeah, you'll be able to look around.

You're right there.

You're in the belly of the beast.

Natalie, it's not a good thing. It's a bad thing.

Okay, it's a belly, and it's a beast.

Now come and get me.

How 'bout this? I pick you up tomorrow morning.

Tomorrow morning?

Yes, maybe by then we'll have something to show the captain.

Okay, yeah, that's one scenario.

May I suggest an alternate scenario?

Pick me up!

[knock at the door]

There's somebody he-- somebody here.

I'll call you later.

Well, wait-w-w-wait.

Come in.

Mr. Melville?

Yeah, Melville.

Hi. I'm Suzy, the housekeeper.

Assistant housekeeper, actually.

And Mrs. Murphy wanted me to see if you needed anything.

Yeah, I'm fine.

I'm supposed to pick up your uniform, and I need to know your size.

Oh, thank you, Suzy, but that won't be, uh...

I'm a 42 regular.

I'm sorry about all the mess. This was Stilson's room.

And he subscribed to, like, 50 magazines.

Who's Stilson?

Your predecessor.

Edward Stilson.

He was with the family forever.

I just can't believe he left like that.

What do you mean?

Well, Mr. Buchanan said that they had a really big fight about back pay or something.

Stilson just stormed out of the house.

When was this?

Last week.

And he left his suitcase and all of his pictures.

Well, he'll probably send for them when he cools off.

Um, I know you haven't even unpacked yet, but we need you to approve this.

It's the seating chart for the luncheon on Sunday.

I'm sure it's fine. Just do whatever you want.

Very well, sir.

I'm right down the hall if you need me.

Excuse me, could I see that again?

There'll be 11 at the table?

Yes, sir.

So do you just wanna put five on one side and then six on the other?

No, no, no. That wouldn't be even.

It has to be even.

How long is the table?

Um, I'm not sure.

Suzy. Suzy.

I don't know what I'm going to do with you.

This fork is a centimeter too close.

It's only a centimeter.

For the want of a nail, Mrs. Murphy, the kingdom was lost.

One centimeter off on this side.

One centimeter off on that side.

Before you know it what have you got?

Two centimeters?

Uh-oh. Who folded this napkin?

I did, sir.

And you call this a beveled half-Bedford?

Mr. Melville, it's 2:30 in the morning.

We've been here all night.

Um-hmm.

Luncheon isn't until Sunday afternoon, sir.

Almost done.

Almost finished.

How tall is Mr. Fairchild?

About my height, sir.

Then he belongs over here across from Miss Monica.

Symmetry. Sweet symmetry.

That's fine, sir. Except--

Except?

You can't put Mr. B next to his stepsisters.

They hate each other.

There was an accident about a year ago.

A car crash.

Their mother d*ed a few moments before Mr. Buchanan's father.

Mmm, yes, I heard that story.

Apparently when it came time to divide the estate, Monica and Clara didn't feel they were treated as fairly as they might have been.

I see.

How much did they get?

Nothing.

And they wanted more?

Yes, sir.

Apparently they did.

(female operator) 911, what is your emergency?

(Ralph Buchanan) My wife. She's dead.

Where are you?

On Sweeney Road.

Right near Spider Lake.

I'm feeling her pulse. She's definitely dead.

She's not breathing. Her neck is broken.

I don't think I--Uh!

[coughs] Oh, God!

Uh, I can't breathe.

Uh! My heart!

What does that prove?

Are you kidding?

It proves everything. There's nothing to discuss.

Captain, we were there yesterday.

There's no reception. He couldn't have made that call.

That happens all the time, Natalie, for a million different reasons-- different cell phones, terrain.

Read the coroner's report.

April 9th, one year ago, Camilla Buchanan d*ed in the accident upon impact.

Ralph Buchanan d*ed of a heart att*ck.

He did it. I know he did it.

Why?

Because he made you cry in homeroom?

Because I know him and guys like him.

They think they own the world, and you know what?

Because they do.

Monk, what do you think?

Look, Natalie, you heard the tape.

It was an accident.

She hit her head. He had a heart att*ck.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to work.

W-w-wait.

Why are you going back to work?

What work? He's a butler.

We prefer to be called house managers.

He's working for Paul Buchanan undercover.

I was undercover.

Now I'm thinking about making it official.

As a butler? A house manager.

They prefer house manager.

Why?

I'm good at it.

No, you're good at this. You're good at being a cop.

Really? The department doesn't seem to think so.

Oh, I get it.

Those sons of b*tches and the hiring freeze.

Look, Monk, I told you I am working on that, okay?

Just give me a little more time.

It's too late, Captain. I've moved on.

It's a new dawn.

What about Natalie?

I'm hoping that Natalie will remain in my employ.

There is a position opening up in the kitchen.

Speaking of kitchens, I really must get back.

I have a duck in the oven that's not going to braise itself.

And the master is very particular about that sort of thing.

The master?

Wow.

Very good.

Excellent.

Thank you, Mr. Melville.

Well, I don't have to remind you people how important these stupid luncheons are.

The old bats are gunning for me.

They want me to screw up.

They expect me to screw up.

I intend to disappoint them.

Mr. Melville.

Thank you, sir.

Mr. Puckridge.

I've divided the house into four zones.

Mr. Stilson usually just has us start in the kitchen.

Mr. Stilson is no longer with us.

So from now on, we're going to be cleaning the house my way.

The Monk way.

Who's Monk?

You see...

I grew up in a monastery.

And the monks were very demanding.

We were cleaning constantly.

18 hours a day.

Mostly dusting.

It was very dusty.

Crypts, catacombs.

It was holy dust.

But still--

You know, dust.

That is the Monk way.

Well, you heard the man. We'll be doing it the Monk way.

Zone one...

The Swiffer please.

A flaw in the crystal.

I don't see it. I do.

No.

[sighs]

Are you all right, sir?

Yes. I'm fine.

There's just so much to do.

He does one of these every month?

Yes, sir.

Is that blood?

I'll take care of it, sir.

See that you do.

Almost done.

There you go.

Thank you, Melville.

Your attention to detail is almost pathological.

Thank you, sir.

It's almost noon.

I think we should be getting downstairs.

I'm sorry.

Still not complet--

Thank you, Melville.

My pleasure, sir.

Ooh. I'm sorry.

There we go.

Now, your guests should be arriving any second--

I'm sorry. It's still slightly--

You know what? It's fine.

It's close enough. One second.

Almost have it.

I said it's fine.

I just have to center it.

You know what? I'm just gonna lose the tie.

And go with something a little more casual.

Yes, sir.

Good choice.

Speaking of Natalie.

Were we speaking of Natalie?

Well, we are now. Ah.

She didn't RSVP, did she?

I'm afraid not, sir.

It is better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all.

Do you believe that, Melville?

I don't know, sir.

It's a tough call.

[doll croaks]

[croaking]

Paul, this mushroom bisque is just heavenly.

Well, it's Camilla's recipe.

I thought it was appropriate since the foundation was her idea.

Mr. Melville, I'll have some more soup.

My diet be damned.

Very good, sir.

Paulie, I have to say, when you're sitting in that chair in that suit, you look just like your father.

You sound like him too.

He's not the book.

Monica, did you say something?

I said you can't judge a crook by his cover.

[Paul laughs]

Sir, there's a phone call for you.

A Miss Teeger.

Who?

Natalie Teeger.

I'll call her back.

She said that it's very important.

It can't be more important than this, can it?

He said what?

[sighs]

Oh!

It's only the second course, and I can barely move.

As long as you can still sign those checks, Alfred, that's all that matters.

[laughter]

Paul, I'm so glad you decided to keep the house.

We were afraid you might sell it.

Oh, absolutely not. I will never sell this place.

This is the homestead, Roger.

This is where Clara, Monica, and I grew up.

Until you kicked us out. Monica.

Not now.

Why not now?

We may never be invited back.

You know what I can't get past?

Our mother d*ed ten minutes before his father.

If Ralph had d*ed first, we would have inherited everything.

Ten minutes. 600 seconds.

Are you accusing me of something, Monica?

All I'm saying is, you're either very lucky... or very smart.

And I'm very drunk.

I'm sorry to interrupt, but we have another guest.

Natalie!

(Natalie) Is there room for one more?

I changed my mind and decided to come.

Well, of course there is. Mr. Melville!

You remember Mr. Melville, don't you?

Yes, of course.

Miss Teeger.

I should never have let Mr. Melville go.

Miss Teeger will be joining us.

We'll need another place setting.

I don't think there's room, sir.

It's all been planned out to the centimeter.

It took me all night.

Melville, I'm not gonna ask you again.

Thank you, sir.

Put Miss Teeger at the table.

Put her next to me.

And do it now.

As you wish.

Everyone, this is Natalie Davenport, an old friend of mine from high school.

At least I hope she still considers me a friend.

Oh. [giggles]

You look fantastic. Really.

I mean, you haven't changed a bit since high school.

Oh, wow. I wouldn't say that.

[laughs]

Look at that. Congratulations.

(Natalie) Oh, thank you.

My boyfriend couldn't make it.

He had to go to anger management class.

Again.

Well, I better get back to the--

I'm glad you could come.

Mr. Melville.

Will you help me with my coat?

How did you do that?

See, Mr. Monk, when two people love each other, they wanna express that love.

What?

It's a pillow!

Ah, well, that explains almost nothing.

I had to come.

I realized something about the frogs.

What frogs?

Okay, on that 911 call there were no frogs in the background.

You were there. Remember how loud they were?

That call was definitely made from someplace else.

Not necessarily.

Maybe they just weren't croaking.

Maybe they were tired.

Frogs don't get tired.

You don't think frogs get tired? No, I don't.

Believe me. Frogs get tired.

The hopping and the thing with the tongue.

You try hopping around and catching flies.

You wouldn't last ten minutes.

This man is a creep.

Why are you protecting him?

I'm not protecting anyone. There is no evidence here.

Then find some. You're a detective.

You were supposed to go check out the car in the garage.

Have you been to the garage?

No, something came up.

What? This.

My life. My new career.

I love it here.

No, you don't. Yes, I do.

No, you don't. I can tell. You look terrible.

Well, fortunately, this job is not about my looks.

Have you been sleeping at all?

Mr. Melville!

Shall we begin the main course, sir?

Yes, thank you, Mrs. Murphy.

Should you be drinking that?

I'll have some quail, please.

He took the quail. We're alternating.

I'd prefer the quail.

It's just we've been going quail, duck, quail, duck, quail, duck...

I don't like duck.

Then you'll have to sit over there.

I have to change seats?

Fine.

Here.

Two quails... right next to each other.

Enjoy.

By the way, you're all invited to stay.

Alfred and I are gonna do some quail hunting later with a few of the neighbors.

Where's Natalie?

She said she had to freshen up, sir.

Really?

April 9th.

The night they d*ed.

8:30. God, so he was here.

There you are. [gasps]

I was getting worried.

Oh, I was just feeling nauseous.

So you came to the garage?

Yeah, I didn't wanna bother anybody.

I'm glad you did.

I wanted to talk to you.

Sometimes I think about adopting a kid.

Someone to share all this with.

So if things don't work out with you and your boyfriend--

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that's something to think about.

Well, I'd better get back in there.

Okay.

[car screeches to a stop]

You're leaving?

We're going hunting. I wanted to invite you.

No, thank you.

Your parents will be joining us.

I can't.

I have to take care of something.

Oh, I'm sure they'll be fine.

What do you mean?

You know what it's like hunting.

Accidents happen all the time.

Don't worry.

I'll look after them.

[turns off engine]

[sighs]

[grunts]

Police?

What have I done?

Hey!

We're over here.

It's okay. Go ahead.

We'll catch up. Come on.

Hey! Where's Natalie?

The pregnant lady?

She's with the boss. They went hunting.

All right, give me the page.

What?

My father's journal. You stole a page.

Give it to me.

Put it on.

Why?

There's gonna be an accident.

I told you, it happens all the time.

Hey!

Have you seen Natalie?

She's with Paul. Back that way.

I'm gonna have to borrow this.

What--you just-- you can't do this!

Oh, I can't?

Look up there. See that well?

Twp weeks ago I sh*t my butler and dropped his body in it.

You shoulda gone with me to the prom, Nattie.

Buchanan! Lower the w*apon Melville?

Just lower it!

[g*nsh*t]

Well, you're fired.

That goes without saying.

Mr. Monk, look, his father kept a journal.

He came back before he d*ed.

Makes sense.

It all makes sense now.

(Monk narrating) His father d*ed of a heart att*ck, like the coroner said.

Paul must have found him.

But he had a problem.

His stepmother would inherit everything, and he would be completely cut out.

Unless-- She d*ed too.

She not only had to die, she had to die first.

Or at least it had to look like it.

Because if she d*ed second, even by a few minutes, her children would inherit everything.

He got her to leave the house.

"Come quickly. There's been an accident."

He brought her up to Sweeney Road.

And that's where he k*lled her.

Then he set the stage.

You were right about the phone call.

There was no signal.

He had to walk a few miles to call 911.

(pretending to be his father) My wife! She's dead!

(911 operator) Where are you?

On Sweeney Road!

Right near Spider Lake!

I'm feeling her pulse. She's definitely dead.

She's not breathing. Her neck is broken.

I don't think I--uh!

[coughs]

Oh, God.

I can't breathe.

Sir.

My heart!

Are you all right?

(Monk) Imitating his father was easy.

As Clara had mentioned, you sounded just like him.

So it was perfect! They were both dead.

Your stepmother had obviously d*ed first.

Who are you?

This is my boss, Adrian Monk.

Hello!

Sorry we're late.

Hello, darling.

Natalie? When did this happen?

I told you I'd take care of it.

What is it?

It's from the deputy commissioner.

That's his signature.

It says that you, Adrian Monk, are exempt from the current hiring freeze, and when you are ready to come back to work, your badge will be waiting for you.

How did you do that?

I talked to the man. I laid it all out.

He threatened to quit.

You did? Yeah, I was there.

It was pretty intense.

And I seriously considered quitting.

I wasn't bluffing. I meant it.

Me too.

You could tell I was about to consider it.

Leland, I don't know how to--

Buy me lunch, we'll call it even.

Okay.

What are you doing?

I was just--

You're not my butler. Oh, right.

You're a cop. I'm a cop.

(Disher) You're a cop.

You're a cop.

I'm a cop.

I'm a cop.

I'm a cop.

I'm a cop.

I'm a cop.