01x02 - Connie Stevens

[bunniefuu]

It's The Muppet Show with our very
speciaI guest star, Connie Stevens,

And from Sesame
Street, Ernie and Bert,

♪ It's time to play the music

♪ It's time to light the lights

♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight

♪ It's time to put on makeup

♪ It's time to dress up right

♪ It's time to raise the curtain
on The Muppet Show tonight

Hey! That Gonzo is so dumb, he just
heard that we're running short of water,

so he wants us to dilute it,

♪ To introduce our guest star

♪ That's what I'm here to do

♪ So it really makes me happy

♪ To introduce to you

Miss Connie Stevens!

♪ But now let's get things started
on the most sensationaI, inspirationaI

♪ celebrationaI, MuppetationaI

♪ This is what we call The Muppet Show

Thank you, thank you, thank you,
and welcome to The Muppet Show.

Hey, our speciaI guest star is the
beautifuI and vivacious Miss Connie Stevens,

So we're gonna have a
great show for you tonight,

and matter of fact, right now I'd like
you to meet another friend of mine,

Her name is Lydia, Hit it!

♪ Lydia, oh, Lydia,
say, have you met Lydia?

♪ Lydia the tattooed lady

♪ She has eyes that folks adore so

♪ And a torso even more so

♪ Lydia, oh, Lydia, that encyclopedia

♪ Oh, Lydia the queen of tattoo

♪ On her back is the
battle of Waterloo

♪ Beside it the wreck
of the Hesperus too

♪ And proudly above waves
the red, white and blue

♪ You can learn a lot from Lydia

♪ La da daa

♪ Da da dum

♪ La da daa

♪ Da da dum

♪ She can give you a view
of the world in tattoo

♪ If you step up and tell her where

♪ For a dime you can
see Kankakee or Paris

♪ Or Washington crossing the Delaware

♪ La da daa

♪ Da da dum

♪ Loo doo doo

♪ Doo doo

♪ Lydia, oh, Lydia,
say, have you met Lydia?

♪ Oh, Lydia the tattooed lady

♪ When her muscles start relaxing

♪ Up the hill comes Andrew Jackson

♪ Lydia, oh, Lydia,
oh, have you met Lydia?

♪ Oh, Lydia the champ of them all

♪ She once swept an
admiraI clear off his feet

♪ The ships on her hips
made his heart skip a b*at

♪ And now the old boy's
in command of the fleet

♪ For he went and married Lydia

Oh, uh, Piggy, Have you met Lydia?

No, Have you met my left fist?
- Hmm?

I love it, I love it,

Of course he loves it, He's the
kind of guy who plants poison ivy,

Hilda, Hilda, Could I
ask a great big favor?

Oh, Gonzo, I'm very busy right now,

Oh, but I brought my teddy bear in
just especially for you to repair,

Gonzo, aren't you a little old
to carry around a teddy bear?

Really? You think I'm emotionally mature
enough to move up to a Raggedy Ann?

Gonzo, I categorically,
absolutely refuse

to repair that teddy bear,

Can I take that to mean "maybe"?
- Oh!

Oh, come on, Hilda,
What do you say? Huh?

I say that bear is the worst thing
I have ever seen in this theater,

Why not get rid of him?

But, but Hilda...

The bear is the worst thing
she's ever seen in this theater?

My whole life is
flashing before my eyes,

English word der Swedish meatballs,

Here is der sauce der meatballs,

Das good, Oop!

Oh,

Is a beencey bouncy burger, eh?

I serve de burger...

-love,

Kermit, this is an ultimatum,
We sing tonight or else,

Kermit's not here, Wayne,
- Hmm, Hiding from my wrath, no doubt,

That's funny, He's
not on stage, either,

Wanda, no one is on stage,
- You mean...

Yes, This is our
chance, We must grasp it,

But this is supposed to be the
place for the Connie Stevens spot,

Oh, we'll cut the Connie Stevens spot,

Who needs the Connie Stevens spot?

Who cares about the
Connie Stevens spot?

I can't wait for the
Connie Stevens spot!

Well, I thought Kermit
was gonna introduce me,

And indeed he shall,
- Hi, Kermit,

Hi, Connie, Wow, Hey, listen, g*ng,

I'd like to introduce that
indefatigable blonde bundle

of beauty and talent,
Miss Connie Stevens,

Wow!

And that was only your
backstage introduction,

When you sing your song, I'm
gonna pull out all the stops,

Aw, thanks, Kermit, You're so kind,
- It was my pleasure,

Incidentally, I've been looking
at this number you're gonna do,

and I don't remember
ever hearing it before,

Yeah, well, when I get done with
it, you may never hear it again,

Listen, it was a big hit back in the ' s,
- Oh, yeah?

And I would like to dedicate this
to my old boyfriend, Jimmy McAfee,

He used to sing this to me in his hot
rod back in , in the front seat,

Oh, yeah? Your first love, huh?
- Yeah,

Sure was a beautifuI car,

I... I, I meant Jimmy McAfee,

Oh, yeah, Jimmy McAfee,

Kermit, boy, did I love him,

He had this long, thick,
greasy hair, you know,

And he used to wear
this big leather jacket,

And you know something? If
we had saved Jimmy's hair

we wouldn't have any
oiI shortage today,

I can't wait to hear the song, And like I told
you earlier, we got a group to back you up,

Fantastic!

Is that the group?
- Yep, You called it,

Well, they aren't The Temptations,

No, those are The Mutations,

DelightfuI,
- Yeah, Well, I tell you what,

I'm gonna go out there, and give you a big
s disc-jockey style introduction, OK?

OK,
- Whoo!

This is Kermit the
Frog, your favorite jock,

with all the top tunes of today
spinning merrily out your way,

Stacks and stacks of wax and wax, and this
is a golden oldie, a blast from the past,

The fabulous Connie
Stevens and The Mutations

with a platter that
mattered way back in ,

Let's lock on "Teenager In
Love," Connie, you're on!

♪ Each time we have a quarreI

♪ It almost breaks my heart

♪ 'Cause I am so afraid

♪ That we will have to part

♪ Each night I ask the stars up above

♪ Why must I be a teenager in love?

♪ I cried a tear

♪ For nobody but you

♪ I'd be the lonely one

♪ If you should say we're through

♪ Well, if you want to make me cry

♪ That won't be so hard to do

♪ And if you should say goodbye

♪ I'll still go on loving you

♪ 'Cause each night I
ask the stars up above

♪ Why must I be a teenager in love?

♪ Why must I be a teenager

♪ In love?

Ah, how poignant, I remember
being a teenager in love,

Yeah, but Queen Victoria
wouldn't have you!

Kermit, don't tell me
you don't like him either,

Well, what's to like, Gonzo? That bear is
the worst, I say let's get rid of him, OK?

But he's a nice bear, Come on, I don't
care if he is moldy-looking, I like him,

Did you hear? Only Gonzo likes me,

And he thinks I'm moldy,

I see they've finally started
to class this place up,

How do you mean?
- They're making the rats wear neckties,

...two, three, dip,
One, two, three, dip,

One, two, three, dip,

One, two, three, dip,

Bruce, this is not a fox trot,

It is to me,

♪ No one to talk with, all by myself

♪ No one to walk with,
but I'm happy on the shelf

♪ Ain't misbehavin',
savin' my love for you

Sca-da-ba-da-doo

♪ I know for certain the one I love

♪ I'm through with flirting,
it's just you I'm dreaming of

♪ Ain't misbehavin',
savin' my love for you

♪ Like Jack Horner in the corner

♪ Don't go nowhere, what do I care?

♪ Your kisses are worth waiting for

♪ Believe me

♪ I don't stay out
late, don't care to go

♪ I'm home about eight,
just me and my radio

♪ Ain't misbehavin',
savin' my love for you

♪ Believe me

♪ I don't stay out
late, don't care to go

♪ I'm home about ,
just me and my radio

♪ Ain't misbehaving,
saving my love for you

Be-ba-da-bom

Ahh!

Uh, Connie, at last...

- ... we're alone,
- You know something?

I think it's terrific being with you,

Oh, yeah?

♪ Why do stars fall
down from the skies

♪ Every time you walk by?

♪ Just like me

♪ They long to be

♪ Close to you

Aaa-aaa-aahh

♪ Close to you

Aaa-aaa-aahh

♪ Close to you

♪ On the day that you were
born the angels got together

♪ And decided to
create a dream come true

♪ So they sprinkled moon
dust in your hair of green

♪ And starlight in your eyes of blue

♪ That is why all the girls in town

♪ Follow you around

♪ Ooh, just like me

♪ They long to be

♪ Close to you

Are you ready, fellas?

♪ Just like me

♪ They long to be

♪ Close

♪ To

♪ You

I'd like to get close to Connie Stevens,
but I'm too close to something else,

Well, what's that?
- ,

I've had it, Now that I know
what people think of me here,

I'm leaving the show,

Oh, hi, guys, Say, I'm
curious, What do you think of him?

Listen, they're talking about
me, Well, I will not listen,

What do I think of the
bear? Why, he's funny,

No, no, really, Every time I look at
him he makes me want to laugh and laugh,

Oh, I think he's just great,
- Oh, well, I'm glad you like him too,

Kermit thinks it's a
disgrace to have him around

and says we ought to get a new one,

Well, that'd be nice too,

The bear can barely bear it, folks,

OK, Zoot, It's time for your solo,
Have you looked over the music?

Yeah, You expect me to play this, man?
- What else would you do with it?

If I had a match I could
put it out of its misery,

Don't joke me, Zoot, This
is a great little number,

Yeah, What if I refuse to play it?

What if I get a new sax player?

What if you and I just get right
down to it and do this little beauty?

Good thought,
- Yeah,

Forgive me, Charlie
Parker, wherever you are,

OK, And now, for your
amazement and confusion,

The Muppet Show's resident
weird person, Gonzo the Great,

will grow a tomato plant

whilst playing the
Overture on the violin,

Thank you, thank you,

This is the tomato
plant, and I am the Gonzo,

This act may not last long,

Whoo!
Whee-aaa-hahah! -

In fact, it's over,

No! Get off me!

Well, they're gonna
be tied up for a while,

Goodbye, Mr, Frog,
- Uh, Fozzie? Where are you going?

Oh, I've been hearing what they've
been saying about the old bear here,

so I'm going home, I'm
leaving the show business,

But...
- Kermit,

Bye,
- If the bear goes, I go,

Wha... Gonzo, I never
realized! Oh, boy, oh, boy, OK,

OK, The ball is in your court, frog,

Uh, wait a minute, Wait a minute,
wait a minute, Hold it, Hold it,

Listen, Fozzie, when
you heard people saying

they didn't want the bear around here,
they were referring to Gonzo's teddy bear,

Not to you,

Teddy bear?

Oh, you mean... Then you really
want me to stay on the show?

Of course I want you to stay
on the show, You're a star,

You're a legend in your own time,
- Oh!

Am I laying it on a little too thick?
- Oh, I don't know what to say,

except that if you, the frog,
want me, the bear, to stay, then...

I just have to have a raise,
- What?

Oh, yeah, Yeah, I want an even bigger
dressing room, and a limousine...

Will you get out of here, Fozzie?
- Thank you, sir, Thank you, Thank you,

Yeah, well, like I was saying, Kermit,
if the bear goes, the Gonzo goes,

OK, OK,

You can stay, The teddy bear can stay,
Both bears can stay, The Gonzo can stay,

Phew!

Sometimes the crown weighs rather
heavy on this little froggy head,

Here's
a Muppet news flash,

And now, to Washington DC for
a direct call on our hot line,

Ooh! Oh! Oh!

And now it's time to present
two old friends of ours,

All the way from Sesame Street,
here they are now, the two and only,

Ernie and Bert,

Thank you, thank you, thank you,

Gee, it's really great
to be here, Right, Bert?

Uh... Guess so,

Well, what's wrong, Bert?
- Well, I mean, uh...

I feeI funny being here, This is
a big TV variety show, you know,

Well, so?
- Well, I... I'm no performer,

Oh, Bert, A suave, sophisticated
showman like you, Bert?

Oh, sure, sure, You see, I know you,

You're gonna keep on saying
I'm suave and sophisticated,

and then when I start to believe it, then
you're gonna say how pointy head I have,

and how floppy arms I have,
and, and how dull I am,

I know you,
- Oh, Bert, Bert, Bert,

What?
- Now, you must admit, though, Bert,

that the head up there is
a little bit pointy, Bert,

And you must admit that the arms are
a little bit floppy and soggy, Bert,

See that? -
Mm-hm, Mm-hm, Mm-hm,

And Bert? Bert?
- What?

The nose is still loose, Bert,

Now cut that out!
- Oh, oh, I'm sorry, Bert, Here,

There we go, Bert,
- Yeah, See what I mean?

I mean, that old loose nose
joke is funny on Sesame Street,

but this is big time, Ernie,

I mean, they're expecting
an act or something...

Hey, Bert, wait a minute,
- What?

You can do an act,

All you need are the clothes, Bert,
- Ah, no... Clothes?

Come here, Bert, Step right over here,
- No, I... No, stop it...

No, no, right over here, Bert,
- I know what you have in mind, Stop it!

And here he is now, that
suave, sophisticated showman,

my old buddy, Bert,

Well, Bert? What do you say?

♪ Some enchanted evening

Beg pardon, Bert?
- # You may see a stranger

What's going on here?

♪ You may see a stranger

♪ Across a crowded room

♪ And somehow you know

♪ You know even then

♪ That somewhere you'll see her

♪ Again and again

♪ Who can explain it?

♪ Who can tell you why?

♪ Fools give you reasons

♪ Wise men never

♪ Try

Oh, Connie,

♪ Once you have found her

♪ Never let her go

♪ Once you have found her

♪ Never

♪ Let her

♪ Go

Ernie?
- Hmm?

Ernie, come here,
- What, Bert?

Did I just make a
complete fooI of myself?

Absolutely, Bert,

Take me home, I feeI terrible,
- OK, Come on, Bert,

Well, Connie, we sure want to thank you
for being with us on the show tonight,

Well, thank you, Kermit, I had a ball,

Uh, listen, Hey, we'd also like
to present you with a little gift

that we give to all our
guest stars on the show:

a Muppet likeness of yourself,

Uh, hiya, Connie, Do you think there's
room for two of us in this business?

Well, can you sing and dance?
- Uh, no,

Well, then, there's plenty of room,

Thanks a lot, Kermit, This is a lovely
surprise, I would like to thank...

Oh, no,

It's a...

It's a crazy Great Gonzo tomato
plant! Hey, make sure Connie's OK,

and tell Gonzo that either
the plant goes or he goes,

We lose more guests that way,

Anyhow, take care of yourselves, and
we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.

Well, do you think this
show is educationaI?

Yes, it'll drive people to read books,