03x17 - Spike Milligan

[bunniefuu]

- [knock on door]
- [man] Come in, knock-knock.

- Spike Milligan?
- Yes.

Thirty seconds to curtain.

It's 30 seconds to the curtain,

it's five and 11 to the floor.

I'll take the curtain.

Say, what's that you're wearing?

My family crest.

- What's that?
- A coat of arms.

[drum roll]

It's The Muppet Show with
our very special guest star,

Mr. Spike Milligan.

Yay!

[♪ Muppet Show theme]

♪ It's time to play the music
It's time to light the light ♪

♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight ♪

♪ It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right ♪

♪ It's time to get
things started ♪

♪ Why don't you get
things started ♪

How much to get things started?

♪ It's time to get
things started ♪

♪ On the most sensational,
inspirational ♪

♪ Celebrational,
Muppetational ♪

♪ This is what we call
The Muppet Show ♪

[squeaking]

Hi, there and thank you
and welcome again

to The Muppet Show.

Tonight our
very special guest is

one of England's wildest
comedians, Mr. Spike Milligan.

We wanted Spike on the show

because tonight we're presenting
an international extravaganza.

We just learned that
The Muppet Show

is being shown in 108
different countries.

Uh-oh. Better get out
your old army uniform.

Yes, with 108 angry countries,
there's bound to be trouble.

[laughing]

We're going to have
on our show people from

every one of those
108 countries.

And we're gonna start things off

with a tribute to
the Land of the Rising Sun.

[gong]

[♪ Japanese traditional music]

[♪ Oklahoma ]

♪ Oklahoma ♪

♪ Where the wind comes
sweeping down the plain ♪

Am I in the right show?

♪ Oklahoma ♪

♪ Every night my honey lamb
and I ♪

♪ Sit alone and talk ♪

♪ And watch the hawk ♪

♪ Making lazy... ♪

Listen, guys,
I think there's a mistake here.

♪ We know we belong
to the land ♪

♪ And the land we belong to
is grand ♪

♪ And when we say ♪

Ahh!

- ♪ Yip-ai-ay ♪
- Whoa-ho!

♪ We're only saying
you're doing fine ♪

- ♪ Oklahoma ♪
- OK!

♪ Oklahoma, Oklahoma,
Oklahoma, Oklahoma ♪

♪ Yokohama, Yokohama,
Yokohama, Yokohama ♪

Ha-so! Yah!

Ooh! Yah!

Hey!

Huh! Oh!

Whoa!

♪ We know we belong
to the land ♪

♪ And the land we belong to
is grand ♪

♪ And when we say ♪

- Ho!
- ♪ Aye-yip-aye-yip-aye-a ♪

♪ We're only saying
you're doing fine, Oklahoma ♪

♪ Oklahoma ♪

♪ Y-O-K-O-H-A-M-A ♪

[Fozzie shouting]

[gong sounding]

[gong sounding]

Where is the Land
of the Rising Sun?

I don't know.
I never get up that early.

OK, to my guests.

Lovely, lovely number.

- Good.
- Kermit, Oklahoma's a dangerous song.

Yes, right.

Way to go, samurai.
To your dressing room. Whoo!

- What's on the schedule next?
- Well...

Well, there seems to be
a hole in the schedule now.

Boy, this salute to all
the nations you're planning

must really be a biggie.

Too big, maybe.

I thought you were in charge
of organizing these people.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Scotsmen, Venezuelans,
dressing room two.

Arabs and Eskimos,
dressing room three.

Move it, boys.

Wait a second.
What are the Australians up to?

We're up to this spot.
What are you Yanks down to?

Come on, move it.
Move it, move it.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Sam the American eagle.

My subject tonight
is our friends, the British.

I have therefore asked
a proper English gentleman

to talk to us.
[clears throat]

Please.

Good, good.

Good.

How do you do, sir?

[unintelligible Cockney]

Queen Elizabeth the second.

What?

[speaking Cockney]

No!

No, no, no, no.

Please, sir, you are not
speaking the queen's English.

Why should I?
She never speaks any of mine.

There goes the knighthood.

Is it too late
to get Laurence Olivier?

You fool of an eagle!

What? What?

What say you?

Silence when you speak to me.

Listen, he talks the same
as I do.

- No.
- Yes!

He only talks proper
when he's on the stage.

Where's that pencil?

To be or not to be,

that is the question.

See, he talks like that

so that you people
in the colonies can understand.

What?

Sir, may we please
change the subject?

May we, hmm?

[speaking French]
French!

Uh... uh...

Let us talk about the quaint
English custom of teatime.

My lord, tea is served.

[slurping]

Where did that come from?

It comes from Hong Kong.

Sir, sir, sir!

I thought to drink tea properly,

the English extend the pinky.

Of course, the pinky,
the greeny, the browny,

the bluey and the reddy.

Ready, go!

Stop, stop, stop!

Stop, stop, sir, sir!

Leave. Leave the stage.

- Leave the stage?
- Yes.

You didn't think I was gonna
take it away with me?

Sir, you are a disgrace
to England.

Let me tell you this,
eagle creep.

England is not finished yet.
It's finished now.

[screaming]

Shockproof.

Seriously, folks,
I love England,

especially in this close-up.

Then show it.

- Show it?
- Yes.

[singing patriotic song]

Curtain, curtain!

Terrific.

It's about time we had some
sophistication on this show.

OK, ladies and gentlemen,
that was Mr. Spike Milligan.

Yeah!

I hope I haven't offended
any of my people.

You didn't offend me.
I thought it was very funny.

Here's your part.

America, I love you!
I love you. I love you!

Will you get off?
Get off! Get off!

Terrific.

Nah, that's not clever.

Anyone can drop their pants.

[zipper]

I didn't know
you were Lithuanian.

That man is a sicko.

OK, what's next?

Music of Scotland,
Music of Scotland on stage, please.

Hi, lad. Right here,
ready to go.

What are those?

They're my bongos.
[laughs]

We'll have a wee bit
of primitive island rhythms.

A bonny Glasgow samba.

Will you go and get
your bagpipes!

Cliche-ridden traditionalist.

- I got trouble up here, boss.
- What?

The Eskimos and the Arabs
are sharing a dressing room.

- [Kermit] So?
- The Arabs want it hotter

and the Eskimos want
the air conditioning.

Listen, I have
an introduction to make.

- Try to get them to compromise.
- Oh, they have compromised.

The Eskimos turned on
the air conditioner

and the Arabs set it on fire.

Come on, boys, get out of there.

Bring up the water hoses.

Use the fire extinguisher.

Oh, uh... and now,
ladies and gentlemen,

continuing with our
international review,

here is some music of Scotland
played by...

I hope you don't put that fire
out too soon, laddie.

Why?

The heat feels good
when you're wearing kilts.

I don't think I want to
hear about this.

Ladies and gentlemen,
the music of Scotland.

[plays bagpipes]

[stops playing]

[pipes play themselves]

[g*nsh*t]

[music stops]

Good evening and welcome
to Muppet News International.

Yes, you're welcome to it.

Simultaneous translation,

bringing you news and views
across the language barrier.

Hello.

Are you gonna tell them
what I said?

No, your secret is safe with me.

All right,
here is the news.

Things look grim...

...in the outback...

...as rebel forces continue
to fight amongst themselves.

First one side seems
to be winning...

Yes, yes!

...then the other side
gets on top.

Then the other, yes!

Casualties have been very heavy.

And strong ties
between the two factions

have been permanently cut.

Eyebrows were raised today
at the auction rooms

where a priceless antique vase
came under the hammer.

Rumors of a cover up

affected prices
on the stock market

where woolens were hit badly...

[sheep bleating]

...eventually plunging
to an all-time low.

[screaming]

The search continues
for a missing man

said by police to be dangerous
and more than a little screwy.

- [whistles]
- The man was known

as the inventor
of the pop-up toaster.

- Next we have...
- Fall fashions!

[screaming]

[crashing]

A newsman was att*cked today
by a mad English comic.

Really? We must find him.

[♪ Dog Walk]

♪ When I take my dog for a walk
he takes me for a run ♪

♪ Dragging me along the street
is his idea of fun ♪

♪ From lamppost to lamppost
we jog along the street ♪

♪ From tree to tree
to fire hydrant ♪

♪ Look out, lady,
watch your feet ♪

♪ Me and my dog have arrived
We're both out of control ♪

♪ So, look out, anybody
who's out to take a stroll ♪

[dog panting]

♪ Me and my dog have a date
It is a rendezvous ♪

♪ With a poodle who is French
and her mistress on this afternoon ♪

♪ Then uptown we go for
a meeting there with Klaus ♪

♪ He's a German shepherd ♪

♪ He's the watchdog
of the house ♪

♪ We better move right along
We've dozens more to meet ♪

♪ Where's the place
to meet dogs? ♪

♪ Why, out here on the street ♪

[licking]

♪ By Jove, look who's there,
jolly good ♪

♪ It's a man
with a bowler hat ♪

♪ Walking with his
English bulldog ♪

♪ Let's stop for a chat ♪

- Good evening.
- Good evening.

♪ Good evening,
how are you? ♪

♪ Not well,
thank you very much ♪

- Goodbye. Too-da-loo.
- Goodbye.

♪ Stop that now,
don't lick that baby ♪

♪ His mother will object ♪

♪ I know you didn't mean it,
but please show some respect ♪

[barking]

♪ Why, goodness gracious me,
it is an Irish setter ♪

♪ Come on dogs, no fighting now
Ah, that's much better ♪

♪ Look out for your leash
Oh, bother, it's all knotted ♪

♪ Now here's a Dalmatian ♪

♪ My goodness,
look at how he's spotted ♪

♪ Keep your fingers crossed
in case he brings bad luck ♪

♪ Cross the road with care now
Don't get run down by a truck ♪

[panting and barking]

[licking]

♪ Hey, leave that rag alone
Hey, leave that garbage can ♪

♪ Hey, stop that pulling now
I'm not a Superman ♪

♪ Home's only five
lampposts away ♪

♪ Oh, drat, there's a cat ♪

♪ And look,
she's coming our way ♪

♪ Now he's seen her ♪

♪ That will mean that things
are getting busy ♪

♪ Stop it, I feel dizzy
Heel! Heel! Heel! ♪

Oh, please, heel. Heel!

- [barking]
- Heel!

Heel!

Oh, oh.

- Oh, hey, Scoots.
- Oh, hi.

Yeah, the band's all ready

for the big American
jazz number.

Where's the little
green honcho?

He's trying to keep things
organize in the dressing room.

It's just a mess
around here today.

Oh, yeah?

Lack of international
understanding?

Oh, I'll say.

Nobody on the show tonight
can understand anybody else.

Oh, yeah?
How do you explain that?

[speaking mock Swedish]

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

[all] No!

Yeah.

[mock Swedish]

Linoleum.

[loud laughter]

Oh, man, I'm going on stage.

It's too weird
around here for me.

Now, me and the band here are
hip to the international tone

that our froggy foreman is
trying to lay on tonight's show.

But that's no reason
for not including a little of the domestic product.

Now, from West Side Story,
America.

[up-tempo music]

[♪ Mexican Hat Dance]

[playing Russian music]

[playing Hawaiian melody]

[♪ Hava Nagila]

[playing Hawaiian melody]

[playing Polka]

[song ends]

What a moldy fig session
that was.

For sure, man.

That one's in there.
Go get 'em, Animal.

Sic 'em, sic 'em!

[both laughing]

Have you met my Uncle Kermit?

Oh, hi, Uncle Kermit.

Have you met Luis Greco,
the Morse Code flamenco dancer?

[tap dancing]

Oh. He says it's an honor
just to meet you

and have a chance to say hi.

The [unintelligible]
has ruined the soufflé.

Oh, I think your stomping
ruined the soufflé.

[mock Swedish]

[speaking Spanish]

Oh! Ooh!

- What did they say?
- Bad news, Uncle Kermit.

Spain and Sweden
have just declared w*r.

[screaming in Spanish
and mock Swedish]

[crashing]

As if things weren't getting
out of hand enough,

it's now
my irresponsible pleasure

to introduce our very special
guest star, Mr. Spike Milligan

doing a piece
that he has asked me to describe

as being called,
"The Intergalactic Brotherhood of Man, Including Things".

Ladies and gentlemen,
Spike Milligan!

Still here?

Sucker for punishment, eh?

Now, a good evening.

Now, an appalling evening.

[thunder rumbling]

Now comedy weather.

- [clucking]
- With a surprise ending.

Now, who came first?

- Answer!
- Hey!

[Lew Zeeland] Can we have
our chicken back?

Please, mister.

But enough about me
and my troubles.

That was the voice
of Lew Zeeland.

Ha, very good evening.

They already know that,
you nana!

Mr. Zeeland would only agree
to reading the part

"Can we have our chicken back?
Please, mister?"

on condition
that he would then be allowed

to come onstage and show
his face to the people

that they would remember him
and care about...

- ...care about his career.
- [laughing]

Yeah. And my boomerang
fish act.

What? What?

Yeah. Lew Zeeland
and his boomerang fish act.

Every night is Friday night.
Hee hee.

Boomerang fish?

Yeah, see, I throw the fish
away from me.

Ice. It all comes back
to me now.

What?

Thank you and good night.

They already know it's
a good night.

- Hey, comedy.
- Comedy? Comedy on this show?

Right again, it is comedy.
Now get out!

In the happy relaxed atmosphere
of international friendship which exists,

despite the presence
of many foreigners,

we can easily overlook
those alien beings

lost in the wastes
of the universe.

Reach out for those
forms of life.

Reach out and try and ca...
[screaming]

What was that?

- That was very strange.
- That was very weird.

- Peculiar.
- Kind of amusing.

- It was rather funny.
- Incredibly funny.

- I loved it.
- Hilarious.

- More! Encore! Encore!
- We like that strange man.

Come on, I loved you, Turk.
You're a good...

Kermit, Kermit,
I just think it's wonderful

that you have organized
this parade of nations finale.

Well, it seemed like sort of
a nice thing to do.

Nice, Kermit?
It's humanitarian...

...to have the citizens of
the world on our little stage.

All races and colors,
hand in hand in brotherhood.

Uh-huh.

Stand by for the
parade of nations.

[chattering]

Ladies and gentlemen,
the parade of nations!

Stand by for the
parade of nations!

- [screaming]
- [chattering continues]

All right, knock it off!

[chattering stops]

It's the brotherhood bit!

Thank you, Miss Piggy.

I'll go introduce it.

Uh, well, as a fitting climax to
tonight's international edition

of The Muppet Show,
here is a parade of the nations

featuring our guest star,
Mr. Spike Milligan,

and dedicated to one of our
very favorite countries,

Disneyland.

Ladies and gentlemen,
It's a Small World.

♪ It's a world of laughter,
a world of tears ♪

♪ It's a world of hope
and a world of fears ♪

♪ There's so much that we share
that it's time we're aware ♪

♪ It's a small world
after all ♪

♪ It's a small world
after all ♪

♪ It's a small world
after all ♪

♪ It's a small world
after all ♪

♪ It's a small, small world ♪

♪ It's a world of laughter,
a world of tears ♪

♪ It's a world of hope
and a world of fears ♪

♪ There's so much that we share
that it's time we're aware ♪

♪ It's a small world
after all ♪

- ♪ It's a small world
after all♪ - Hi!

♪ It's a small world
after all ♪

You are making
a mockery of this.

What do you mean?

Get your dirty hand off
my kimono.

- Get out.
- Get out? What do you mean?

Out, out, out,
out, out out!

♪ It's a small world
after all ♪

- ♪ It's a small world
after all ♪ - [screaming]

♪ It's a small world
after all ♪

♪ It's a small, small world ♪

♪ It's a small world
after all ♪

♪ It's a small world
after all ♪

- ♪ It's a small world
after all ♪ - All right, get off, off!

♪ It's a small, small world ♪

♪ It's a small world
after all ♪

♪ It's a small world
after all ♪

♪ It's a small world
after all ♪

♪ It's a small, small world ♪

♪ It's a small world
after all ♪

♪ It's a small world
after all ♪

♪ It's a small world
after all ♪

♪ It's a small, small world ♪

Hey!

Small world after all.

[imitates Scot]

A small world after all.

[imitates cowboy singing]

[with English accent]
It's a small, small world.

Oh! Oh!

♪ It's a small world
after all ♪

♪ It's a small world
after all ♪

♪ It's a small world
after all ♪

♪ It's a small, small world ♪

[singing continues]

I think we've come down
to the end of another show.

Although some people refuse
to admit it.

I hope you've enjoyed our
tribute to practically everybody.

Let's welcome back our
fantastic guest star,

the amazing Spike Milligan.

Me. Me not go.

Me like it here.
Me not say goodbye.

Me say, "Hello, sailor".

Anyhow, we'll see you next time
on The Muppet Show!

♪ It's a small world
after all ♪

- ♪ It's a small world
after all ♪ - Spike?

- ♪ It's a small, small world ♪
- Shut up!

Will you guys cut that out?

[singing continues]

[Spike grumbling]

[Spike] Shut up!

♪ And it's time we're aware ♪

- ♪ It's a small world
after all ♪ - Shut up!

♪ It's a small world
after all ♪

[Kermit]
Can we k*ll the music?

Can we stop this?

Stop the music!

- Stop the music!
- Will you guys cut it out!

- [Kermit] Cut that out.
- ♪ It's a small world after all ♪

♪ It's a small, small world ♪