04x16 - Jonathan Winters

[bunniefuu]

[KNOCKING]

Angus McGonagle.
Fifteen seconds to curtain, Mr. McGonagle.

Yes, sirree, Scooter, little buddy.

I'm raring to go.

[AIR WHOOSHES]

Whoa, look, it's Luke Skywalker and C3PO
and R2D2 from Star Wars.

Oh, they'd make much better guests
than Mr. McGonagle.

-What?
-You have to leave.

-Just a minute, youngster!
-Sorry. Let's go.

Excuse me, Master Luke,

but what is this strange world
we've come to?

Beats me, 3PO.

Seems we've landed on some sort
of comedy variety-show planet.

[R2D2 BEEPING]

It's The Muppet Show,

with our very special guest stars,
the stars of Star Wars.

[CHEERS]

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

♪ It's time to play the music ♪

♪ It's time to light the lights ♪

♪ It's time to get things started ♪

♪ Why don't you get things started? ♪

You're looking a little sheepish.

[BLEATING]

♪ It's time to get things started
On the most sensational, inspirational ♪

♪ Celebrational, Muppetational ♪

♪ This is what we call ♪

♪ The Muppet Show ♪

[QUACKS]

[GONZO SCREAMS]

[LAUGHS]

Hi-ho, hi-ho,
and welcome again to The Muppet Show.

And a very special show we have
for you tonight.

Because until about two minutes ago,

our guest star was scheduled to be
Angus McGonagle, the Argyle Gargoyle.

But we have canceled him.

Dadgum it, this is an outrage!
I demand my spot!

Well, uh, listen, I don't even know
what an Argyle Gargoyle does.

I gargle Gershwin.

The Argyle Gargoyle gargles Gershwin?

Gorgeously.

[STAMMERS]

-Will you get off the stage?
-Ugh.

-Off, off, off!
-Arrr.

Uh, now, then, Angus has been canceled

because, believe it or not,

with us tonight are none other
than the stars of Star Wars,

featuring special guest Mark Hamill.

But first,
in keeping with the mood of the show,

let us go where sheep may safely graze,
shall we?

[BAND PLAYING TRANQUIL CLASSICAL MUSIC]

[SHEEP BLEATING]

ALL:
♪ Ding dong ♪

♪ Ding dong ♪

♪ Ding ♪

♪ Dong ♪

♪ Ding ♪

-♪ Rama lam ♪
CHORUS: ♪ Ding dong ♪

-♪ Rama lam ♪
-♪ Ding ding dong ♪

♪ Rama lama lama lama ding dong
Rama lama lama lama lama ding ♪

ALL: ♪ Rama lama lama lama lama ding dong
Rama lama lama lama lama ding ♪

♪ Rama lama lama lama lama ding dong
Rama lama lama lama lama ding ♪

♪ Rama lama lama lama lama ding dong
Rama lama lama lama lama ding ♪

♪ Ooh-wah-ooh ♪

-♪ Whoa-oh-oh ♪
SHEEP: ♪ Bom, bom, bom ♪

♪ I've got a girl named
Rama Lama Lama Lama Ding Dong ♪

♪ She's everything to me
Rama Lama Lama Lama Ding Dong ♪

♪ And I will set her free ♪

-♪ 'Cause she is mine, all mine ♪
CHORUS: ♪ Ooh-wah-ooh ♪

-♪ Whoa-oh-oh ♪
SHEEP: ♪ Bom bom bom ♪

♪ I've got a girl named
Rama Lama Lama Lama Ding Dong ♪

♪ She is kind to me
Rama Lama Lama Lama Ding Dong ♪

♪ You won't believe ♪

-♪ That she is mine, all mine ♪
CHORUS: ♪ Ooh-wah-ooh ♪

♪ Bom, bom, bah-bom, bom, bom, bom ♪

-♪ I love her, love her, love her so ♪
-♪ Bom, bom, bah-bom, bom, bom, bom ♪

-♪ And I'll never, never let her go ♪
-♪ Bom, bom, bah-bom, bom, bom, bom ♪

♪ I'm pretty certain
She's mine, all mine ♪

-♪ She's mine ♪
CHORUS: ♪ She's mine ♪

-♪ All of the time ♪
CHORUS: ♪ Bah, bah, ram ♪

SHEPHERDESS: ♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, oh ♪
CHORUS: ♪ Rama lama lama lama ding dong ♪

-♪ Oh, ooh ♪
-♪ Rama lama lama lama ding dong ♪

-♪ Whoa-oh whoa-oh whoa-oh whoa-oh-oh-oh ♪
-♪ Rama lama lama lama ding dong ♪

CHORUS: ♪ Ooh-wah-ooh ♪
SHEPHERDESS: ♪ Ooh ♪

[SHEEP BLEATING]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

BOTH:
Boo! Boo!

Bah! Bah!

BOTH:
Humbug! Humbug!

[ALL LAUGH]

Okay, nice flocking, guys.
Say, aren't there more of you?

-Oh, we don't know.
-Why not?

Well, every time we try
to count ourselves, we fall asleep.

Yeah.

Oh, Mr. Kermit, sir,
may I say what an honor it is

to make the acquaintance of such
a distinguished amphibian as yourself,

who has given so much joy to the universe.

Oh, wow, well,
it's a real pleasure to meet both of you.

And, incidentally,
why are you fellas here?

We are searching for Chewbacca.

-Oh, Chewbacca the Wookiee?
-Correct.

[BEEPING]

As R2 rightly says, he's been kidnapped.

Kidnapped?
Well, why are you looking around here?

We received this hyperspace telegram
from him.

Huh. Uh...

"To Luke Skywalker, C3PO and R2D2.

Help, I am being held prisoner
by a bunch of weird turkeys."

It does rather sound like your show.

Yeah, it does.

[AIR WHOOSHES]

Remember Alderaan!

I'll search upstairs.
3PO, you cover that exit.

What shall I cover it in?

Down with the Empire!

Uh... Uh, what was that?

That was my master, Luke Skywalker.

I'll try to calm him down, but you know
how strangely excitable these humans are.

Yeah. They're a strange race, all right.

And now a Muppet News Flash.

Here are the results
of today's National Sheep Dog Trials.

All the sheep dogs
have been found not guilty.

[SHEEP BLEATING]

Hey. Hey, come on. Hey--

[PLAYS WRONG NOTE]

[PLAYING UPBEAT COUNTRY MUSIC]

I'm practicing for my big number
in the second part of the show.

I hope they love it.

Bah, bah.

Humbug, humbug.

Everybody's a critic.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, hey, did you guys find Chewbacca?

Not yet,
but he's gotta be around here somewhere.

Oh, well,
as long as the three of you are here,

how about you go out and do a song for us?

What? You must be joking.

[BEEPING]

Oh, look your little garbage-can friend
wants to.

Oh, stop it, R2. Don't be so vulgar.

You're not a song-and-dance droid.

Oh, come along,
our job is to find the Wookiee.

Listen, pal, we're on a mission.

There's no way we're gonna get involved
in any third-rate variety show.

Second-rate variety show.

Uh, Kermit-- Hold it, hold it.

You're Mark Hamill!

-Me?
-Yes!

-Uh, no, no, no.
-Huh?

Uh, he's my cousin.

That's it. He's my cousin.
He's right outside.

FOZZIE: But-- Oh, go get him.
Hurry, hurry. I wanna see him.

Run. Oh, boy, oh, boy.
I'm a big fan of his.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

-Hiya, Fozzie.
-Oh, wow. Hey, you know what?

You could be a guest on this very show.
Right, Kermit?

Oh, well, maybe. What do you do, Mark?

[IMITATING KERMIT] Oh, well, you know,
I've been known to do impressions.

Yay!

Mm-hm. Who do you do?

Oh, well, I just love impressions. Ah.

[IMITATING FOZZIE]
Oh, I just love doing them. Ah.

Terrific! Who do you do?

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Maybe I'd just better sing.

Oh, boy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[PLAYING JAZZ MUSIC]

[OPERATICALLY]
♪ Be my love ♪

♪ For only you can end this yearning ♪

Okay.

Uh... Oh, well, Mark, uh, actually,
we have enough singers on the show.

-Yeah, yeah.
-Oh.

I know! How about a dancing comedian?

-Hit it, Fozzie.
FOZZIE: Yes, sir.

[FOZZIE PLAYING LIVELY RAGTIME MUSIC
ON PIANO]

Hey, did you hear about the scientist
who crossed a toad with a saxophone?

He got a frog horn!

You look sort of green.

Well, uh, I don't know exactly how
to put this, but, uh, what else do you do?

Hmm.

I gargle Gershwin.

Mark, I know exactly how to put this.

Get out! Out of the theater!
We don't need you! Thank you very much!

And don't call us, we'll call you!

I didn't get his autograph.

All right, nobody leave!
Unless you wanna go through life as a rug.

[YELLS]

Oh, boy.
Isn't that Luke Skywalker terrific?

Oh, the stage is empty.
My chance at last. Hit it, boys.

[BAND PLAYING UPBEAT SHOW TUNE]

[GARGLING ALONG]

[MARK GARGLING IN HARMONY]

Animal.

Animal. Sic them.

[GROWLING]

[BOTH CONTINUE GARGLING]

[ANGUS YELLING AND ANIMAL GROWLING]

[LAUGHING]

[BAND PLAYING UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC]

♪ Hey, down in the meadow
In a little bitty pool ♪

♪ Swam three little fishies
And a mama fishy too ♪

-♪ Swim ♪
-♪ Said the mama fishy ♪

♪ Swim if you can ♪

♪ And they swam and they swam
All over the dam ♪

TRIO: ♪ Boop, boop, dit-tem, dat-tem
What-tem, chu! ♪

♪ Boop, boop, dit-tem, dat-tem
What-tem, chu! ♪

TRIO: ♪ Boop, boop, dit-tem, dat-tem
What-tem, chu! ♪

ALL: ♪ And they swam and they swam
All over the dam ♪

-♪ Stop ♪
-♪ Said the mama fishy ♪

♪ Or you will get lost ♪

♪ But the three little fishies
Didn't wanna be bossed ♪

♪ So three little fishies went off
On a spree ♪

♪ And they swam and they swam
Right out to sea ♪

TRIO: ♪ Boop, boop, dit-tem, dat-tem
What-tem, chu ♪

♪ Boop, boop, dit-tem, dat-tem
What-tem, chu! ♪

♪ Boop, boop, dit-tem, dat-tem
What-tem, chu! ♪

EEL & TRIO: ♪ And they swam and they swam
Right out to sea ♪

TRIO: ♪ Whee! ♪
EEL: ♪ Yelled the little fishies ♪

TRIO:
♪ Here's a lot of fun ♪

♪ We'll swim in the sea
'Til the day is done ♪

EEL: ♪ So they swam and they swam
And it was a lark ♪

♪ 'Til all of a sudden they met a shark ♪

♪ Boop, boop, dit-tem, dat-tem
What-tem, chu! ♪

TRIO: ♪ Boop, boop, dit-tem, dat-tem
What-tem, chu! ♪

♪ Boop, boop, dit-tem, dat-tem
What-tem, chu! ♪

EEL & SHARK:
♪ 'Til all of a sudden they saw a shark ♪

TRIO: ♪ Help! ♪
EEL: ♪ Cried the little fishies ♪

♪ Look at the whale! ♪

EEL: ♪ And quick as they could
They turned on their tails ♪

♪ And back to the pool
In the meadow they swam ♪

♪ And they swam and they swam
Back over the dam ♪

TRIO: ♪ Boop, boop, dit-tem, dat-tem
What-tem, chu! ♪

♪ Boop, boop, dit-tem, dat-tem
What-tem, chu! ♪

ALL: ♪ Boop, boop, dit-tem, dat-tem
What-tem, chu! ♪

♪ And they swam and they swam
Back over the dam ♪

♪ Boop, boop, dit-tem, dat-tem
What-tem, chu! ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Well, folks, our own Scooter
has prepared an act for us.

Uh, he can't play very well,
but he's worked really hard on this,

and after listening to Mark and Angus
Gershwin-gargling,

anything should sound good.

Anyhow, so let's give a big welcome
to Scooter singing "Six String Orchestra."

[CHEERS]

[PLAYS WRONG NOTES]

[PLAYING UPBEAT COUNTRY MUSIC]

♪ The very day I purchased it
I christened my guitar ♪

♪ As my monophonic symphony
Six-string orchestra ♪

♪ In my room, I practiced late
They'd leave me alone ♪

♪ My mother said, "You're nothing yet
To make the folks write home" ♪

♪ And so I dream a bass will join me
And fill the bottom in ♪

♪ And maybe now some lead guitar
So it would not sound so thin ♪

♪ I need some drums to set the b*at
And help me keep in time ♪

♪ And way back in the distance
A horn would sound so fine ♪

♪ And we'd all play together
Like fine musicians should ♪

♪ And it would sound like music
And the music would sound good ♪

♪ But in real life, I'm stuck with
That same old formula ♪

♪ Me and my monophonic symphony
Six-string ♪

♪ Orchestra ♪

♪ I'm taking guitar lessons
But my teacher just took leave ♪

♪ It was something about a breakdown
Or needing a reprieve ♪

♪ I know I'll find my future
So I will persevere ♪

♪ And hold on to my dream
Of making music to their ears ♪

♪ And so I'll dream a bass will join me
And fill the bottom in ♪

♪ And maybe now some lead guitar
So it would not sound so thin ♪

♪ I need some drums to set the b*at
And help me keep in time ♪

♪ And way back in the distance
Some horns would sound so fine ♪

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

♪ And we'd all play together
Like fine musicians should ♪

ALL: ♪ And it would sound like music
And the music would sound good ♪

♪ But in real life, I'm stuck with
That same old formula ♪

♪ Me and my monophonic symphony
Six-string ♪

♪ Orchestra ♪

Aw. Someday I'm gonna be a star.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Okay, let's see. Next we have--

-Uncle Kermit, Uncle Kermit!
-Just one second, Robin.

One thing at a time.

That's how I'm able to put on this show
without falling into a panic.

Next we have, uh, Pigs in Space.
Pigs in Space next, please.

Now, what was it?

Well, I was trying to tell you

the Star Wars people
have h*jacked the Swinetrek.

[STAMMERING]

They've h*jacked the--?
They've h*jacked the Swinetrek? Aah!

[YELLING]

[GLASS SHATTERS]

Well, at least, he didn't panic.

NARRATOR:
And now

[ECHOING]
Pigs in Space.

The last time
we saw the spaceship Swinetrek,

we hoped it would be the last time.

But it's back.

3PO, activate the NaviComputer.

[COMPUTER HUMS]

Ew.

I'm not awfully keen on this spaceship,
Master Luke.

It's so messy.
Cakes, half-eaten sandwiches...

Oh, will you stop?
You don't hear R2 complaining, do you?

[BEEPING]

Yes, I do.
He just said it's like a pig sty.

Hey, what's going on here?

I'm Captain Link Hogthrob,
and this is my spaceship.

-That explains everything.
-Hm?

Let me explain. I'm Luke Skywalker.

My friends and I have borrowed
your spaceship

so we can rescue our friend
Chewbacca the Wookiee.

Hm?

Ooh. It's Luke Skywalker. Whew.

One of the heavenly bodies.
I'll, uh, change.

Is there anything else you'd like to know?

Yes, I have one very important question.
I'd like to ask you.

What's that?

Who's your tailor? I love that outfit.

Link. Link, what's happening?

I'll explain later.
Right now I'm talking to Luke.

Luke?

Now, perhaps if I give you
my measurements...

Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Hey, hey. Who are you?

I am C3PO, and that is R2D2.

[BEEPING]

I'm Dr. Strangepork.

Oh, my.
And I thought our names were weird.

Hey. Oh, boy, hot-diggety-dog!
Son of a g*n!

Oh, boy! Oh, look at that!
Hey, could I play with your toy robot?

He's not a toy robot.

He's a scientifically programmed droid.
And he is not to play with.

Aw, come on. Let me just push one button.

C3PO:
Don't be disgusting.

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]

Whoa!

Well, I did warn you.

-Now you've got my jacket size.
-Mm-hm.

-Forty-four long.
-Mm-hm.

And your head size, 42 thick.

Uh-huh.

Luke! Oh!

Luke! Luke! Luke!

-Oh, it is I, the princess.
-Princess?

Yes, yes.
I have just escaped from an evil fiend

who held me prisoner. Oh!

Well, the evil fiend
must feed his prisoners well.

What?

Well, what I mean is,
it looks like you've put on, uh...

Uh, ahem. Psst.

Look, Skywalker, go along with this
or I'll cut you in half.

[COUGHS]

Look, it's the princess!

Huh?

Doesn't look like the princess to me.

Watch it, hardware.

[BEEPING]

Master Luke,
we're about to make a landing.

And look who's there!

[ALL GASP]

ALL:
Oh, no! Dearth Nadir!

Who?

NARRATOR: Stay tuned for Part Two,
when the Swinetrek lands on Koozebane

and we learn the true identity
of this archfiend.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

GONZO:
The world will never know.

Here's a bulletin
from the Muppet Newsroom.

The spaceship Swinetrek is about to make
a soft landing on a distant planet.

In other planetary news,
Venus is about to make a hard landing

on the Muppet Newsroom.

That doesn't make sense.

NARRATOR:
When last we left our intrepid band,

the spaceship Swinetrek
was about to make a soft landing.

[SHIP CRASHES]

Oh. You call that a soft landing?

I sprained my solenoids.

HOGTHROB:
Well, you were in the driver's chair.

You forgot to push the stoppy thing.

-It's called a brake, dummy.
-Uh...

Master Luke, shouldn't we be looking
for a safe refuge on this planet?

Exactly right, 3PO.

[BEEPING]

I know.
We could hide in that cave over there.

Ah. A good plan.

[LAUGHS MANIACALLY]

PIGGY:
It's-- It's Dearth Nadir! Oh!

This is Dearth Nadir?

Yes, isn't he just icky? Oh!

Well, what do you want of us, Nadir?

Well, why don't you say something?

Speak!

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

Who's your tailor? I love that outfit.

All right, Nadir, take this!

[LAUGHS MANIACALLY]

At last you know the awful truth.

This here, my dear friend,
is a crypto-anagon transmitter.

It can totally neutralize any blaster.

[R2D2 BEEPING]

[POWERS DOWN]

This means we must resort
to the ultimate w*apon.

[C3PO GASPS]

And hoity-toity,
what, pray tell, might that be?

Chewbacca the Wookiee.

[ROARING]

HOGTHROB:
Oh, look! It's Chewbacca! We're saved!

PIGGY:
Oh, yes!

Help! Chewbacca has escaped! Whoa!

The jig is up.
Nothing can stop good old Chewie.

-One thing can.
-What's that?

Angus McGonagle,
the Gargling Argyle Gargoyle!

[ANGUS GARGLING UPBEAT SHOW TUNE]

Terrible!

Trapped by Dearth Nadir,
our weapons useless,

and now we're being tortured
by Gargling Gershwin. Oh!

What could possibly get us out of this?

What else? A song-and-dance number!

[BAND PLAYING UPBEAT SHOW TUNE]

MUPPETS:
♪ You are my lucky star ♪

♪ I saw you from afar ♪

♪ You opened heaven's portals
Here on earth for us poor mortals ♪

♪ You are my lucky star ♪

Okay, that's the song part.
Now comes the dance.

Take it, Chewie and R2.

[GRUNTS SHOW TUNE]

[BEEPING]

-C3PO, you're next.
-I certainly don't dance.

-Oh, but this is our big ending.
-Oh, all right.

[TAP-DANCING]

Lucky I once saw a Fred Astaire film.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Okay, that was really wonderful.
Okay, Luke, you're next.

Not me. I'll go get my cousin.

Huh?

♪ Fate is kind ♪

♪ She brings to those who love ♪

♪ The sweet fulfillment ♪

♪ Of their secret longing ♪

ALL:
♪ When you wish upon a star ♪

♪ Makes no difference who you are ♪

♪ When you wish upon a star ♪

♪ Your dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Well, it's been a wonderful show,
ladies and gentlemen.

But before we go,
let us bring out the stars of Star Wars,

and here they are,
Chewbacca the Wookiee! Yay!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

And R2D2!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

C3PO, ladies and gentlemen!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

And of course, Luke Skywalker!

[WHOOPS]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Thank you, but don't you think
we ought to introduce my cousin?

Uh, sure.
You want to, uh, go out and send him in?

That won't be necessary.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mark Hamill.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Thanks for having us, Kermit.

That goes double.

It certainly does.

Say, Luke, who's your tailor?
I love that outfit.

Well, ladies and gentlemen,
I guess that, uh, wraps it up.

We'll see you next time
on The Muppet Show.

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

Do you think there's life in outer space?

There's certainly none in this theater.

[BOTH LAUGHING]