04x19 - Lynda Carter

[bunniefuu]

[KNOCKING]

Jonathan Winters?
Fifteen seconds to curtain, Mr. Winters.

Please, why do they do this to me?
There's no time for that.

There's an old gypsy.
She's put a curse on the performance.

I just can't appear tonight. I can't.

Oh, but, sir, there's no gypsy curse.

Oh, yeah. It's always people like you
that say, "There's no gypsy curse!"

There is a gypsy curse.
I saw her in the alley.

Fright wig woman with hair out to here.

One-eyed woman. That tells you something.

Like she'd been hit from the back
real hard. It just popped out.

She said, "There's a curse on this show!"

What does it take to believe me?

Well, gee, I--

[SHOUTS]

Huh? Well?

That'll do fine.

Glad you took the brunt of it.

It's The Muppet Show, with our
very special guest star, Jonathan Winters!

Yay!

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

♪ It's time to play the music ♪

♪ It's time to light the lights ♪

♪ It's time to get things started ♪

♪ Why don't you get things started? ♪

A curse upon this Muppet Show!

♪ It's time to get things started
On the most sensational, inspirational ♪

♪ Celebrational, Muppetational ♪

♪ This is what we call ♪

♪ The Muppet Show ♪

[PLAYS "FIRST CALL"]

You called?

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Thank you, thank you, thank you! Hi-ho,
and welcome again to The Muppet Show.

And, boy, do you have a treat in store,
because our guest star tonight

is your all-time terrific,
never-to-miss comedian,

the king of nuttiness,
Mr. Jonathan Winters! What good news.

[SHOUTS]

Well, uh, so much for the good news.

I thought lightning never struck twice.

Will you get these sandbags out of here?!
Up, up, up!

I'm going backstage to unfrazzle.
But right now, it's circus time! Yay!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

♪ Hold that tiger
Hold that tiger ♪

♪ Hold that tiger
Hold that tiger ♪

♪ Hold that tiger
Hold that tiger ♪

♪ Hold that tiger ♪

[ROARING AND g*nshots]

About time you showed up, Sundance!

Sorry I'm late, Butch,
but that cross-town traffic is m*rder!

[ALL SHOUTING]

Oh, poor Butch and Sundance.
After an escape like that,

they'll have to hide out in some dismal,
dark, depressing hole in the wall.

[ROARS]

Hey, we'll hide out here, Butch.

Help!

Wait a second. What are you guys
doing here? Your act just started.

Somebody stole our tiger.

Oh, good grief.
Uh, Scooter, what's on next?

Oh, Patti Saverne and her trained chair.

-Oh.
PATTI: Incoming.

KERMIT: Huh?
-Yep, we're ready. Ha!

[SHOUTS]

Oh, boy. Uh...

Could you use some very talented sticks?

Forget it. Uh, let's see.

On-stage, Bernice
and her half-horse, half-watermelon act.

-Oh, bad luck, Kermit.
-Hm?

Yeah, the horse half just came down
with hoof-and-mouth disease.

Uh, could we just use the watermelon half?

What a bizarre
and disgusting thought. Yuck.

I guess so.

-Well, what can we send out on-stage now?
-Hey, how about Jonathan?

Jonathan, Jonathan Winters.
Jonathan Winters, on-stage please.

Yeah.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

-What is it, Jonathan?
-I can't go on tonight.

I don't know if you've heard this,

but there's been a curse
put on by a horrible gypsy lady.

-A curse put on the show.
-There's no gypsy curse on tonight's show.

Pay attention.
There's a curse put on the show.

If you'd just get on-stage please,
and do your act now?

I'm not going to do my act, I tell you.
Not with a curse on the show.

"I don't care what you say.
There's been a curse put on this show."

-That's the way she talks.
-Hurry, hurry, hurry. You're on.

I don't care what you say.
There's a curse been put on the show.

Is there an echo in here tonight?

It's a real honor to introduce our special
guest star tonight, ladies and gentlemen.

He's a comedy genius,
a man of a million characters,

and here he is now,
ladies and gentlemen, Mr.--

Please, the gypsy curse
is upon us, I tell you.

All my props are gone.
I'm ruined. I'm ruined.

Oh, what'll we do now?

Kermit, that was-- Oh, that was so sad.
Can we declare an intermission?

I tried that once. The audience left,
and they never came back.

Oh, I know. I'll get my props.
Jonathan can use them.

Oh, good. Hurry up and get them.

-Get them.
-Yes, sir. Ah!

Uh, just stay with us,
ladies and gentlemen.

Jonathan Winters will be right out.
I hope.

Here we go. Here's my prop box.
You can use it all.

Oh, dear.

I was sure this would have held him.

-Oh, good. You're ready.
-Yes.

Uh, ladies and gentlemen,
I think we're all ready back there now.

Uh, here he is, Mr. Jonathan Winters! Yay!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Thank you, Kermit. Bless your heart.

You don't have to wave back.

Oh, dear. Well, what I love to do
is to open the trunk--

Pardon my back.

It's either that or my front.

And, of course, it's just full of things

that I've collected
from all over the world.

How dramatic.

Yes, let's hope that this is the front.

Long time since I've been an officer.

Steady as she goes.

Elias, you'll do well at the wheel.

Thank you, sir. I wish I could
make you out in this bloody storm.

My turn.

Steady as she goes.

Hated to k*ll him, but it is my ship.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

-Oh, yeah.
-Terrific. Here. Go ahead.

Oh, what a lovely day.

Margo, please, pay attention.

sh**ting star. My horse.

My horse is running.

Could I have your glasses?
Not those, the other ones.

Poor nearsighted devil.

Oh, Lord Charles.

Lord Charles, hello. Hello.

[MIMICS DART WHIZZING]

Why does he do that?

Those things hurt.

[BLOWS] To you.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

That was terrific.

No, it wasn't.

-I'll tell you when it is.
-Sorry.

[MIMICKING JOHN WAYNE]
Well, I don't care what you say.

I'm not afraid.

Sure, there's 6,000 Shoshone.

You, Walking Bear, come here.

[SPEAKING IN NATIVE AMERICAN LANGUAGE]

You got a lot of lines for an Indian.

Oh, this is gonna be great.

-Is it?
-I think so.

-I'll be the judge of that.
-Yes, sir.

So far, I'm the judge.

[SPEAKING IN NATIVE AMERICAN LANGUAGE]

[IN ENGLISH] My people and I,
Chief Ironhand...

will do a dance for you.

Please take pictures of us.

[SINGING IN NATIVE AMERICAN LANGUAGE]

Sa-doom-boom.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

How about that?
They brought the house down.

That's an old joke.

Well, some things improve with age.

You don't.

-Kermit, Kermit, it is m*rder out there.
-Mm.

You know, we must really be
under that old gypsy lady's curse.

-Fozzie, that's ridiculous.
-What?

Now, everything's pretty much as always.

Kermit. How can you say that?

We are doomed.

Yes. What has to happen
before you realize that?

-Fozzie.
-What?

Something truly bizarre,
hideous and unnatural.

You called?

Gonzo, you don't count.
Now, I'll believe that there's a curse

only if we're visited
by something absolutely disastrous.

[OBJECT APPROACHES]

[SHOUTING]

How about a meteor
falling on your flipper?

Uh, Fozzie, listen, would you go out
on-stage and fill for me?

I mean, you and Scooter
could do that song.

-Oh, right, gotcha. Scooter!
SCOOTER: I'm ready.

Yeah, get out there. Oh!

Oh, boy.
I bet nothing else can happen tonight.

All bets are off.

[IN UNISON] Do not fear, Earth man.
We come only to observe and ask questions.

Uh-- Uh-- Scooter!
All right, hit it. One, two--

Fozzie, shouldn't we introduce the number?

Oh, yeah. It's called, "On Her Doorstep"
with me and him.

♪ When the heart is young and free
And spring is in full bloom ♪

♪ The young man's fancy turns to love
We know ♪

Scooter.

♪ There's a pair I often see
As they stand beneath the moon ♪

♪ And the other night
He just let himself go ♪

♪ What did he do? ♪

♪ He kissed her ♪

-♪ Who did? ♪
-♪ He did ♪

-♪ Where? ♪
-♪ On her doorstep last night ♪

♪ He hugged her ♪

-♪ Who did? ♪
-♪ He did ♪

-♪ Where? ♪
-♪ On her doorstep last night ♪

♪ He said, "You are my darling, Kate." ♪

♪ And he squeezed her fingers
In the garden gate ♪

♪ Then he kissed her ♪

-♪ Who did? ♪
-♪ He did ♪

-♪ Where? ♪
-♪ On her doorstep last night ♪

♪ La, la-la-la, la, la-la-la, la
La-la-la-- ♪

I believe it. The show is cursed.

[CHUCKLES]

♪ He kissed her ♪

-♪ Who did? ♪
-♪ He did ♪

-♪ Where? ♪
-♪ On her doorstep last night ♪

♪ He hugged her ♪

-♪ Who did? ♪
-♪ He did ♪

-♪ Where? ♪
-♪ On her doorstep last night ♪

♪ He said, "You are my darling, Kate." ♪

♪ Then he squeezed her fingers
In the garden gate ♪

♪ And we kissed her ♪

-♪ You did? ♪
-♪ We did ♪

[SCREAMING]

♪ On her doorstep last night ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Yes? Yes, come right in.

Oh, interesting, interesting.

Excuse me,
I'm looking for Jacques Cousteau.

-Jacques Cousteau. Would you open please?
-Ah.

Yes, there he is.

-Good luck to you
-Thank you.

NARRATOR: Ridding the world of evil,
here comes Bear on Patrol.

[FOZZIE GRUNTING]

I can't see. Whoa!
Gotcha, I gotcha. Come here.

-Patrol Bear?
-Yes, sir.

Uh, listen, would you get back in uniform
before I put you on report?

That is not regulation headgear.

Nope, this is my prisoner, sir.

I caught him picking pockets
at the aquarium.

Did you catch him wet-handed?

Terrific.

Patrol Bear, I want you to book him.

How? How do you mean?

Well, you know,
take a set of fingerprints.

Where do I start?

Well, you start with the pinky.

I don't think he has a pinky.
I think they're all greenies.

Whoa! Whoa!

He must have a pinky.

Where would he wear his pinky ring?

Sir, could you just get another patrol--?
Aah!

Whoa! Wait, please don't.
Wait, wait, wait--

No, don't-- Oh, please.

[PHONE RINGS]

Oh, no, don't.

Sir, could you--? Aah!

Hello? Uh-huh. Yeah. Hmm. Is that right?

[FOZZIE SHOUTING]

-Help! I just--
-Okay, Mm-hm.

Please, can we talk about this?

Something more important
has just come up, Patrol Bear.

-I want you to release-- Patrol Bear...
-What?

would you release that prisoner, please?

That call was from the aquarium.
I want you to go there and check it out.

Somebody stole a valuable octopus.

Check, chief.

[GROANING]

You see...

[SHOUTS]

Check, chief.

Let me tell you a story, my children.

[PLAYING FOLK MUSIC]

♪ There's a story ♪

♪ The gypsies know is true ♪

♪ That when your love
Wears golden earrings ♪

♪ He belongs to you ♪

♪ An old love story ♪

♪ That's known to very few ♪

[CHUCKLES]

♪ But if you wear these golden earrings ♪

♪ Love will come to you ♪

♪ By the burning fire ♪

♪ They will glow with every coal ♪

♪ You will hear desire whisper
Low, ho-ho ♪

♪ Inside your soul ♪

♪ So be my gypsy ♪

♪ Make love your guiding light ♪

♪ And let this pair of golden earrings ♪

♪ Cast their spell tonight ♪

Ah. Send me, Linky baby.

♪ So be my gypsy ♪

♪ Make love your guiding light ♪

♪ And let this pair of golden earrings ♪

♪ Cast their spell tonight ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Oh. Dr. Bunsen Honeydew,
here at Muppet Labs,

where the future is being made today.

Well, I have good news
for you world travelers

who are always struggling
with cumbersome luggage.

Introducing the new Muppet Labs
luggage compressor.

My assistant, Beaker, will demonstrate.

[BEAKER HUMMING]

Okay, Beaker,
I see you've dressed like a tourist

to make the demonstration more realistic.

Very cute.

All right, put the bag on.

[BEAKER MUMBLING]

Okay.

[MACHINE WHIRRING]

Oh, very good.

Now, my assistant, Beaker, will show you

that it also works on large luggage
like a steamer trunk.

[BEAKER PANTING AND GRUNTING]

Oh, come on, Beaker,
give it the old college try.

[CHUCKLES]

[SHRIEKING]

And that's all from Muppet Labs.

Come on, Beaker.

Uncle Bunny will just put you in
an envelope and mail you to the hospital.

[BEAKER SHRIEKING]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Yes?

[ALIEN MUTTERING]

Excuse me. I am Jonathan Winters.
Who are you?

Just a moment. I always have to check.

I thought I was Jonathan Winters.

[LAUGHS]

-What planet are you from?
-I'm from Earth.

-Are you from Earth?
-Yes.

I'm a comedian.

-Are you a comedian?
-Yes. Ha-ha-ha.

Oh, Steve Martin.
Gosh, you'll do anything, won't you?

Bye-bye.

Beautiful costume, though.

[BAND PLAYING "YOU'LL NEVER WALK ALONE"]

♪ When you walk through a storm
Hold your head up high ♪

♪ And don't be afraid of the dark ♪

♪ At the end of the storm
Is a golden sky ♪

♪ And the sweet silver song of a lark ♪

♪ Walk on through the wind
Walk on through the rain ♪

[WIND HOWLING]

♪ Though your dreams be tossed and blown ♪

♪ Walk on, walk on
With hope in your heart ♪

♪ And you'll never walk alone ♪

♪ You'll never walk alone ♪

[WIND HOWLING]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[CHICKENS CLUCKING]

Kermit! Kermit!

-I've just learned a terrible thing.
-What now?

I just met that old gypsy woman
in the alley.

-Mm-hm.
-She made a dire prediction.

A dire prediction?

[CHICKENS CLUCKING]

So, what was the dire prediction?

Well, the old gypsy woman said that
in the final stages of the curse,

everyone would turn Swedish.

[ALL GASP]

I don't believe it.

Girls, did you hear that? In the final
stages of the curse, we'll all be--

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

Gonzo!

Oh, it's happening already.
Gonzo just turned Swedish.

Soon everyone'll--

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

Oh, Scooter.

Scooter. Kermit, listen to Scooter. He--

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

Fozzie! Oh, no. Oh.

Listen to me, everybody. There's nothing
terrible about turning Swedish.

Some of my best friends are--

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

[ALL SHOUTING IN GIBBERISH]

[ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYING]

[CHUCKLES]

Well, it looks like I'll have to introduce
the final number.

Everyone else around here
has turned Swedish.

Not all of us, you old bat. Some of us--

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

Now, you are too, you--

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

So much for that.

And, now, the closing number. Yay!

I always wanted to do that.

[ORCHESTRA PLAYING CLASSICAL MEDLEY]

[ALL SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

-Kermit?
-Hm?

Excuse me, is it true
that, uh, everyone is turning Swedish?

[BOTH SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

We interrupt this entertainment
to bring you an important news bulletin.

Not everyone on the show
is turning Swedish.

I, for one, have remained my normal self.

There is one type person
unaffected by the curse.

I am that type.

The boring and stupid type person.

Well, uh, actually,
I am sort of starting to feel Swedish.

Smorgasbord. Stockholm.
Ingmar Bergman. Meatballs.

[BOTH SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

[IN ENGLISH] And I demand it now.

Wait a minute, I can talk.
The spell is broken.

We're saved!

Well, it's just that your time is up.

You guys only paid me
for the half-hour curse.

Well, thank goodness.

Wait a second.

You mean you two geezers paid
for a gypsy curse to be put on our show?

Yeah, but I didn't think
it would include us.

You want another hour?
It's only seven bucks.

Will you get off the stage?
Come on, off the stage, off the stage.

-Here, your seven dollars I promised.
-Ah.

So you want the curse back? You got it.

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

Jonathan Winters! Yay!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

The Muppet Show.

[ALL SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

[ALL SPEAKING GIBBERISH]