04x24 - Diana Ross

[bunniefuu]

[KNOCKING]

Oh, Alan. Alan Arkin.

Twenty-eight seconds to curtain,
Mr. Arkin.

Thank you, Scooter.

-Did you get that milkshake you ordered?
-Not yet, but the chef is working on it.

[SINGING GIBBERISH]

[COW MOOING]

It's The Muppet Show, with our
very special guest star, Alan Arkin!

Yeah!

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

♪ It's time to play the music ♪

♪ It's time to light the lights ♪

♪ It's time to get things started ♪

♪ Why don't you get things started? ♪

Hey, Beauregard, come on.

♪ It's time to get things started
On the most sensational, inspirational ♪

♪ Celebrational, Muppetational ♪

♪ This is what we call ♪

♪ The Muppet Show ♪

[TYPEWRITER KEYS CLICKING]

[BELL DINGS]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Hi-ho, and welcome again
to The Muppet Show.

And have we got a show for you!

Well, yes, as a matter of fact we have.

Yes, it's going to be a terrific show

because our very special guest star
is that fantastic

actor, singer, and director,
Mr. Alan Arkin.

Yes, but before we meet Alan,

let us take a trip down South,

where we shall meet
some very strange tourists.

Yeah!

[PLAYING "THE DEVIL WENT DOWN TO GEORGIA"]

♪ Now the devil went down to Georgia ♪

♪ He was looking for a soul to steal ♪

♪ He was in a bind
'Cause he was way behind ♪

♪ And willin' to make a deal ♪

♪ When he came across this young man
Sawin' on a fiddle and playin' it hot ♪

♪ The devil jumped up
On a hickory stump, said ♪

♪ Boy, let me tell you what
I guess you didn't know it ♪

♪ But I'm a fiddle player, too ♪

♪ And if you'd care to take a dare
I'll make a bet with you ♪

♪ Now, you play
A pretty good fiddle, boy ♪

♪ But give the devil his due ♪

♪ I'll bet a fiddle of gold
Against your soul ♪

♪ 'Cause I think I'm better than you ♪

♪ I'll tell you my name's Johnny ♪

♪ And it might be a sin ♪

♪ But I'll take your bet
You're gonna regret ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm the best that's ever been ♪

♪ Johnny rosin up your bow
And play your fiddle hard ♪

♪ 'Cause hell broke loose in Georgia
And the devil deals the cards ♪

♪ And if you win you get
This shiny fiddle made of gold ♪

♪ But if you lose
The devil gets your soul ♪

♪ The devil opened up his case
And he said ♪

♪ I'll start this show ♪

♪ And fire flew from his fingertips
As he rosined up his bow ♪

♪ And he pulled the bow
Across the strings ♪

♪ And it made an evil hiss ♪

♪ Then a band of demons joined in
And it sounded somethin' like this ♪

♪ When the devil finished, Johnny said ♪

♪ Well, you're pretty good, old son ♪

♪ But sit down in that chair right there
And let me show you how it's done ♪

♪ Fire on the mountain, run, boys, run ♪

♪ Devil's in the house
Of the rising sun ♪

♪ Chicken in the bread pan
Pickin' out dough ♪

♪ Granny, does your dog bite?
No, child, no ♪

You wanna see some fiddle playing?

Whoo!

♪ The devil bowed his head
Because he knew that he'd been b*at ♪

♪ And he laid that golden fiddle
On the ground at Johnny's feet ♪

-♪ And Johnny said ♪
-♪ Devil, just come on back ♪

♪ If you ever want to try again
'Cause I told you once, you son of a g*n ♪

♪ I'm the best that's ever been ♪

♪ Fire on the mountain, run, boys, run ♪

♪ The devil's in the house
Of the rising sun ♪

♪ Chicken in the bread pan
Pickin' out dough ♪

♪ Granny, does your dog bite?
No, child, no ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Well, I've seen many an egg
laid on this show, but this is a first.

-Why?
-They laid a deviled egg.

Okay. Terrific, guys.
Devil, you were good.

Good? I'm not supposed to be good.

[GRUMBLES]

Yeah. Uh, wait a second.
Who are you, guys?

We're the Bunbun Brothers.

-Can we do a number?
-Uh, no.

Why?

Well, you see it's politics.

If I allowed for, uh, singing rabbits,
then the dancing carrots would cancel.

ALL:
Aw!

Excuse me, I gotta check the set
for Alan's first number.

-Oh, no, wait, please.
-Please.

I'll just take this
glass of bicarbonate of soda

up to Alan Arkin's dressing room.

[BEAKER MUMBLING]

Beaker, why are you carrying that glass

of Ultra Powerful Jekyll-Hyde Potion?

"Ultra-Powerful Jekyll-Hyde Potion"?

Beaker, are you trying to tell me
that we have accidently

switched these glasses?

Well, we must simply unswitch them.

No, no, no, Beaker.
I said we must unswitch them.

After all, we wouldn't want Alan Arkin

to accidently drink the glass
of Ultra-Powerful Jekyll-Hyde potion.

This could be a very different
kind of show tonight.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Come in.

Hello, Mr. Arkin.
I understand you're not feeling too well.

I'm Dr. Bunsen Honeydew,
and this is Beaker--

It's nothing serious,
it's just a little heartburn.

-I appreciate you and your nurse--
-[BEAKER GASPS THEN BABBLES]

What's the matter with her?

Oh, nothing.

Oh, stop it, Beaker. I think it's cute.

Anyway, that's why we're here.

Drink this and you can say
toodly binky-boos

to that nasty old tummy upset.

"Toodly binky-boos," eh? All right.

[GRUNTING]

[YELLING AND GROWLING]

[HONEYDEW & BEAKER SHRIEK]

Oh, golly, Beaker,
I don't think we got it right after all.

[BEAKER SCREAMING]

Relax, Beaker.

Stop it. He'd never harm a nurse.

[NOSE HONKS]

Now, ladies and gentlemen,
it's guest star time,

and here he is to sing "Zip-A-Dee-Do-Dah,"
Mr. Alan--

Kermit. Kermit. I don't think you better
introduce Alan Arkin right now.

-Why not?
-Well, uh... Well, he's changed.

Of course he's changed. He had to put on
his costume for this number.

-I mean, he's changed in another way.
-I don't know what you're talking about.

Let me finish the introduction.
Ladies and gentlemen--

[ALAN YELLING]

What was that?

Alan Arkin.

Uh, ladies and gentlemen,

the fabulously talented
The Bunbun Brothers.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

♪ Zip-a-dee-doo-dah
Zip-a-dee-ay ♪

♪ My, oh, my, what a wonderful day ♪

♪ Plenty of sunshine heading my way ♪

♪ Zip-a-dee-doo-dah
Zip-a-dee-ay ♪

♪ Mr. Bluebird on my shoulder ♪

♪ It's the truth, it's actual
Everything is satisfactual ♪

♪ Zip-a-dee-doo-dah
Zip-a-dee-ay ♪

♪ Wonderful feelin', wonderful day ♪

[GRUNTING]

[RABBITS SCREAMING]

♪ Mr. Bluebird on my shoulder ♪

♪ It's the truth, it's actual ♪

♪ Everything is satisfactual ♪

♪ Zip-a-dee-doo-dah
Zip-a-dee-ay ♪

♪ My, oh, my, what a wonderful day ♪

♪ Zip-a-dee-doo-dah
Zip-a-dee-ay ♪

RABBIT:
Hey!

Wonderful feelin'.

Wonderful day?

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

You look like two kindly old gentlemen.

Can I hide here?

Hey, Alan, here's one you missed.

[RABBIT SCREAMS]

Uh, he's coming off-stage, guys.

When he gets here,
throw the ropes around him

and then we can get him
into the straitjacket, okay?

Here he comes! Aah!

[YELLING AND GROWLING]

[ALL SHOUTING]

KERMIT:
Tie him up!

That's it. Get him good.

Excuse me, guys, would you mind
taking this rope off me, please?

Alan. You're back.

Yeah, I never left.
I just came down to do my number, Kermit.

Well, uh, pigs, get out of here.
Take those ropes off our guest star.

Get out of here. Out, out, out, out.

Sorry about that, Alan, but you, uh...
You don't remember any of that?

I remember it's time to do my number.

Oh. Oh, well... Well, actually,
I had to cancel your number.

Why?
I thought you liked that number, Kermit.

Oh, uh... it's not that, exactly.

Don't explain. You're the boss.

[WHIMPERING]
I guess it just wasn't good enough.

[SOBBING]

Well, at least he's not a monster anymore.

Well, Mr. Kermit, that's the thing

about my Ultra-Powerful
Jekyll-Hyde potion.

[YELLING]

It comes and it goes.

[PLAYING UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC]

♪ I got rhythm ♪

♪ I got-- I got rhythm ♪

Uh, wait a second, Fozzie, hold on.

You started wrong.
It goes like this, let me show you.

♪ I got rhythm ♪

Oh, gotcha, gotcha.

♪ I got... ♪

Not yet. Not yet. Now.

♪ I got rhythm ♪

♪ I got... ♪

No, no, no, Fozzie.
Fozzie, hold one second.

Let me make one little change here.

-Okay. Now sing that.
-Yes, sir.

-♪ I don't got rhythm ♪
-Mm-hm.

-♪ I don't got rhythm ♪
-That's for sure.

♪ I don't got rhythm ♪

♪ Who could ask for anything more? ♪

STATLER: We could.
-Yeah. Earplugs.

♪ Who could ask for anything more? ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

NARRATOR [ECHOING]:
And now, Pigs in Space.

When last we left the spaceship Swinetrek,

it had developed a severe list.

-Do something!
-Well, I can't correct it.

There's something wrong
with the gyro-slopic...

What do you call it, Dr. Strangepork?

I don't know, but if it isn't fixed,

it'll sure louse up
our billiard game tonight.

Right.

Wait. Maybe I can fix it.

-You? Um...
-Yes.

Ha.

[GRUNTING]

-Hey.
-Oh. Heh.

There, ahem, I fixed it.

But all you did was sit in Link's seat.

Maybe it took a woman's touch.

-It's working, isn't it, gentlemen?
-Yes, it is.

Okay, let me back in my own seat here.

Excuse me.

Whoa, whoa, wait! Wait!

-Oh, no.
-Oh! It's doing it again.

Wait. First Mate Piggy, come here, please.

-Why?
-Just come here.

Huh. All right.

[GRUNTING]

Watch it.

What is it?

-Link, I think we've found the answer.
-Huh?

It's a coincidence, Strangepork.

Oh, yeah? Then why don't you go back
to your own seat?

Well, I think I will.

[GRUNTING]

Uh-oh.

Hey, I get it now.

One word from you, lard lips,
and you're dead.

As you wish, First Mate Fatso.

Fatso? That does it!

[ALL YELLING]

Help! Help! Get her away from me.

[GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ Feeling better now that we're through.
Feeling better 'cause I'm over you. ♪

♪ I learned my lesson, it left a scar.
But now I see how you really are, ♪

ALL: ♪ You're no good, you're no good,
You're no good, baby, you're no good. ♪

I'm gonna say it again.

ALL: ♪ You're no good, you're no good,
You're no good, baby, you're no good. ♪

Oh, it's you, you little devil.

Yeah, it's me. I'm back, angel baby.

Hey, where've you been all this time?

You know, hanging out with the guys.
Did you miss me?

Miss you? I was lonely as heck.

Hmm, then all is forgiven, honey child,
honey lamb, honey baby, honey pie?

Are you kiddin'? You know how dull things
have been around here without you.

Aw, then come on, baby, light my fire!
C'mon!

♪ If you'll have me back again,
We'll start out anew. ♪

♪ It's not easy forgetting you. ♪

ALL: ♪ We're no good, we're no good,
We're no good, baby, we're no good. ♪

BOTH: ♪ We're gonna say it again.
We're no good, we're no good, ♪

♪ We're no good, baby, we're no good. ♪

BOTH: ♪ Oh! Oh! Oh! ♪

♪ We're no good, we're no good,
We're no good, baby, we're no good. ♪

[LAUGHING]

And now, ladies and gentlemen,
it's comedy time.

And here he is, our own furry funny man,

Mr. Fozzie Bear!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Hiya, hiya, hiya.
Thank you, thank you, and thank you.

Hey, uh, that's nice, but if you keep
applauding, you won't hear my monologue.

[APPLAUSE CONTINUES]

Uh... Okay. Okay.

Oh, but of course,

that doesn't mean I want you
to sit on your hands.

-Don't worry. We won't.
-Good.

Yeah, if we sit on our hands,
we can't throw things at you.

Please, give me a chance, will you?

Okay. A very funny thing happened
to me on the way to the theater.

Too bad it didn't happen
after you got here.

Oh, boy. You're making me so nervous.

I-- I forgot what I was going to say.

Oh, mission accomplished.

Oh, come on, please. I'm begging, please.

Just-- Just one joke.
That's all I ask. Just one joke.

I think he deserves that, don't you?

No, but go ahead.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.
Okay. Ahem. Joke.

What do you get when you cross
the Atlantic with the Titanic?

I don't know. What do you get when you
cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?

Halfway.

-That's pretty funny.
-No, it isn't.

I was on that ship.

It wasn't funny then,
and it isn't funny now.

Oh. I gotta get a different line of work.

Maybe dry cleaning or something.

Why did you do that to poor Fozzie?

Do what? I really was on the Titanic.

I know. You still have the dress you wore
so they'd let you in the life boat.

Okay, how was it, Fozzie?

Oh, just my luck.
A Titanic survivor in the audience.

[FOZZIE GROANS]

Okay, now, let's see.
Where'd I leave my clipboard?

Hey, would you guys stop following me?

Oh, please, Mr. Kermit.

Protect us from your guest star,
Alan Arkin.

Uh, listen, guys,
I know that Alan accidently drank

the Ultra-Powerful Jekyll-Hyde potion,

but he really is a sweet, sensitive,
gentle man.

[ALAN YELLING]

[BANGING]

And I'll protect you from him.

But right now,
I have an introduction to make.

Oh, this is just too dangerous.

I'm going to have to throw this Ultra-
Powerful Jekyll-Hyde potion away now.

KERMIT: And here he is now,
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew in Muppet Labs.

Oh, heavens to horse feathers,
I've just been introduced.

-Get out there, Bunsen.
-Yes, yes.

Uh, will you rabbits stop hopping
when I make introductions?

It's ridiculous.

Oh, good. I'm kind of thirsty.

Um, well, uh... Now, where'd I put that--?

[GRUNTING]

Where'd I put that prop list?

Gee, thanks for letting us stay with you,
Mr. Kermit. We feel safe near you.

[GROWLING]

[RABBITS SCREAMING]

Oh, uh, Kermit?

Could you hold it down a little?
I'm trying to take a rest.

[GROWLING]

Well, I don't understand
why you're annoyed with me.

I-- I worked very hard
on that final number.

I've been told it's the kind of number
that can really grab you.

Kermit, when-- When I used the word
"grab," I was speaking metaphorically.

[KERMIT GROWLING AND YELLING]

[SNAKE RATTLING]

♪ Oh, let me go ♪

♪ Let me go ♪

♪ Let me go ♪

Oh! Oh.

♪ Lover ♪

[YELLING]

[STAMMERING]

Uh, gee, I'm feeling
kind of weird tonight.

Uh, but anyway, it's guest star time,
and here I am to introduce him.

Unless, of course,
he's turned into a raging beast.

Oh, good news, chief.

He's been his normal lovable self
for a few minutes now.

Oh, good.
Uh-- Oh, incidentally, do you know

-where Miss Piggy is right now?
-No.

It might be best to keep her
in her dressing room.

I don't think she should hear
this closing number.

-Anything you say, boss.
-Mm-hm.

Uh, ladies and gentlemen, the world
knows Alan Arkin as a great film actor.

But wait, he's also a fantastic
singer and composer.

Here he is singing one of his
most beloved ballads, Mr. Alan Arkin!

Yay!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.

It's great to be back on The Muppet Show.
It's fantastic to be back.

Even if it is the first time
I've been on The Muppet Show.

But seriously, folks, we'd like to do
a little number for you now

that's about one of my favorite animals.

I certainly hope it's about
one of your favorite animals.

A little number we call "Pig."

[PLAYING JAZZ MUSIC]

♪ If you live in a barnyard
And your mother's a sow ♪

♪ If you sleep on manure
Don't ask me how ♪

♪ If your eyes are quite tiny
And your ears very big ♪

♪ You can be fairly certain
What you are is a pig ♪

♪ Pig, pig, pig, pig, pig, pig ♪

♪ Pig, pig, pig, pig, pig, pig, pig, pig ♪

♪ If you like to dig truffles
Out from under the ground ♪

♪ If you like to make noises
Oink's your favorite sound ♪

♪ If you sleep through the morning
Every chance you can rig ♪

♪ There's no need to question
What you are is pig, yeah! ♪

♪ Pig, pig, pig, pig, pig, pig, pig, pig ♪

-♪ Pig, pig, pig, pig, pig, pig ♪
-♪ Pig, pig, pig! ♪

♪ If you like to push garbage ♪

♪ All around with your nose ♪

♪ If you like to feel mud
Ooze up between your two toes ♪

♪ If your tail is all curly
But not all that big ♪

♪ Then don't bother to wonder ♪

♪ You can bet you're a pig ♪

[PANTING]

♪ Pig, pig, pig, pig, pig, pig ♪

-Let me at him.
-No. No, Miss Piggy.

♪ Pig, pig, pig, pig ♪

Whoa!

♪ If you walk in your breakfast
If you sit in your lunch ♪

♪ If you roll in your dinner
Then I've got a strong hunch ♪

♪ You're no muskrat or beaver
No tomato or fig ♪

♪ There's no need to question ♪

♪ I'm gonna tell you the truth
Of the situation ♪

♪ What you are my friend ♪

♪ You might as well find out now ♪

♪ What you are ♪

♪ What you are is a pig ♪

♪ What you are is a pig ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

Hi-yah!

[SCREAMS]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Okay, thank you very much.

It's been a great show,
ladies and gentlemen,

marred only by the fact
that our guest star and I keep turning

into rampaging monsters.

But here he is anyway,
ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Alan Arkin!

Yay!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

I don't really remember
a lot of it, Kermit,

but I'm fairly sure I had a terrific time.

[HONEYDEW SCREAMS]

Oh, excuse me.

-I'd get off-stage if I were you.
-Why's that?

Oh, the bunny rabbits
just drank the Jekyll-Hyde potion.

[RABBITS GROWLING]

Oh, no. Uh, we'll see you next time
on The Muppet Show!

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

You think that Jekyll-Hyde stuff
is expensive?

No, my wife has a whole glass of it
every morning.