05x24 - Roger Moore

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Muppet Show". Aired: September 5, 1976 - May 23, 1981.
Join Jim Henson's Muppets, Kermit, Miss Piggy, Fozzie Bear, Gonzo on their variety show.
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05x24 - Roger Moore

Post by bunniefuu »

Theater entrance. Pops sneezes into a handkerchief. Roger Moore enters.

POPS Well, who are you?

ROGER Well, I'm tonight's guest star, Roger Moore.

POPS That's funny, I coulda swore you were that James Bond fella from the movies.

ROGER Well, you mustn't believe everything you see in the movies. I mean, all that secret agent spy stuff is only make believe.

Roger walks away.

POPS Okay, young fella, if you say so.

Once Roger leaves, Pops starts speaking into a walkie-talkie.

POPS Hello, this is Agent Pops to Control. Do you read me?

ROGER (on other line) Go ahead, Agent Pops.

POPS Yeah, 007 just passed check poyebo headed your wa — AACK!

Roger sneaks up from behind and puts him in a headlock.

ROGER All right, who're you working for?

POPS The frog! The frog!

ROGER (lets Pops go) Hmm. That's funny. So am I. (leaves)

KERMIT It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Roger Moore! Yaaayyy!

The curtain opens, and the theme begins.

Gonzo's trumpet sounds like a coach's whistle, and so a soccer ball is thrown at him, pushing the trumpet down his throat.

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters.

KERMIT Thank you, thank you, thank you, and welcome again to The Muppet Show! And it's going to be a wonderful show tonight, because our special guest is James Bond, secret agent 007, known secretly to his millions of fans as movie star Roger Moore! (audience oohs) Yes! But first, meet the Vikings, those cruel, heartless Scandinavian marauders whose savage brutality earned them the reputation "worst human beings in history" —

The Swedish Chef, taking offense, whacks Kermit with a pan, and exits.

KERMIT Uh, I'm sorry about that! Uh, ladies and gentlemen, uh … the Vikings, those gentle, quaint, fun-loving old charmers.

Open on a quaint little village by the coast. A Viking pig ship approaches.

The head Viking blows a horn, and the villagers scramble away.

The pigs sing "In the Navy" as they pillage the town and recruit the villagers, including the ducks, cows, sheep, goats and chickens.

WALDORF Tell me, Statler, did you ever have any Naval experience?

STATLER Well, I once saved a rat from drowning.

WALDORF Really? How?

STATLER I gave him mouse-to-mouse resuscitation!

They chuckle.


Kermit speaks through the intercom. Upstairs, Annie Sue practices some lines.

KERMIT Okay, Roger Moore's number is next. On stage, Roger and Miss Piggy.

The Viking pigs walk past him.

KERMIT Way to go, Vikings. Nicely pillaged.

VIKING PIG Moørt mørks, vërduügå brødskå.

KERMIT (nods) Mmm. Tell that to the Chef!

Scooter and Beauregard approach, carrying cream pies.

SCOOTER Hey Kermit, you want us to put these pies on stage?

KERMIT Uh, no. Why?

SCOOTER Well, don't you remember? When I asked you what we were gonna do for that big James Bond number with Roger Moore, you said "use pies".

KERMIT No no no, not "pies", I said "spies"!

SCOOTER Oh. How embarrassing.

Miss Piggy walks past them.

KERMIT Oh, oh, yes, uh, never mind, listen, I gotta introduce Roger's first number. Just get rid of those pies.

BEAUREGARD You mean throw them away?

KERMIT Yeah. (walks on stage)

BEAUREGARD Okay. (launches his pie tray towards the stage)


On stage, a pie hits Kermit in the face.

KERMIT Uh, excuse the, uh, excuse the pie, folks. It's all part of the show. Ahem. Um, and now a man who needs no introduction, so what am I doing out here? Uh, ladies and gentlemen, Roger Moore! Yaaaayy!

"On a Slow Boat to China"

The curtain opens, revealing Roger and Piggy in a fancy penthouse setting.

MISS PIGGY Oh. Come sit, Roger.

Roger sits next to Piggy on the couch, setting two champagne glasses on the table.

MISS PIGGY Oh. Roger, I'm so glad you asked me up here.

ROGER Well, actually, I didn't ask you.

MISS PIGGY Oh. Well, heh, Roger, mon amour, you know we are meant to be, vous et moi.

ROGER Vous et moi? Nous?



MISS PIGGY Oh, oui, oui, oui, oui.

ROGER What are you trying to say, Miss Piggy?

She gets close to him as she sings.


I'd love to get you, Roger,

On a slow boat to China,

All to myself … alone…

ROGER I can't believe that she's singing to me.

MISS PIGGY (stands up)

Get you and keep you in my arms evermore …

ROGER Look, look, Piggy, I must be honest, I have a date!

MISS PIGGY Leave all your ladies

Weeping on the faraway shore!

ROGER Yes, but what about Kermit? He's your true love.

MISS PIGGY Out on the briny, oh Roger,

Where the moon's big and shiny!

ROGER I'm not green. I don't have flippers.

MISS PIGGY Melting your heart of stone …

ROGER Just look, my eyes don't bulge, I don't eat flies — I'm not your type!

MISS PIGGY Oh! I'd like to take you

On a slow boat to China…

ROGER Piggy, you are wrinkling the lapels.

MISS PIGGY All to myself, haha, alone!

ROGER Please, you really must stop.

MISS PIGGY Oh, Roger, I know what you're thinking!

ROGER I doubt that.

MISS PIGGY Yes, you are thinking that you are a man and … I am a pig.

ROGER Why would I think that?

MISS PIGGY Oh, Roger! Silly, dear, dear Roger, it can work! Roger — we can make it work!! Yes!

ROGER But I don't want to make it work!

MISS PIGGY (throws herself upon him again) OH!!

I'd love to get you

On a ssssssslow boat to China…

ROGER Not even Concorde.

MISS PIGGY All to myself,

Aloooooooooone …

ROGER Piggy, my date'll be here any second …


All to myself!


She starts showering him with kisses.

MISS PIGGY Oh Roger! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!

ROGER Miss Piggy! Piggy! You'll ruin your date —

The song ends; the doorbell rings. Annie Sue enters.

ANNIE SUE Roger, I'm here!

Roger walks over to her.

ROGER Annie Sue, how lovely you look.

ANNIE SUE (swoons)

MISS PIGGY This is your date?

ROGER Yes, we're going to the opening of Hamlet. Put off the lights, will you?

Roger and Annie Sue exit. Piggy walks over to Roger's picture on the table, and gives it a karate chop.


WALDORF Quite a touching scene. Oh-oh-seven and seven-oh-oh. (chuckles)

STATLER Seven-oh-oh? (Waldorf nods) Is that Miss Piggy's code name?

WALDORF No, it's her weight!

They chuckle.

STATLER Her weight!


Roger and Annie Sue walk off stage. In the background, Gaffer cleans herself.

KERMIT Okay, nice number, nice number.

ROGER Thank you, Annie Sue.

ANNIE SUE Thank you! (walks away)

KERMIT Roger, you were great.

ROGER Oh, thank you, Kermit. By the way, do you use pies on the show?


ROGER No, pies.

KERMIT Well — maybe down in the canteen.

ROGER On stage.

KERMIT I, I don't think so. Why?

ROGER I just trod in one.

Angle on his foot. A rat with a spoon passes by and follows him upstairs.

KERMIT Gee. He's so suave, I never would have noticed unless he mentioned it. (into the intercom) Okay, Lew Zealand, you're on.

"You Light Up My Life"

Lew Zealand enters the stage to a row of five fish.

LEW ZEALAND Heh heh heh heh! Yeah, here I am, Lew Zealand and my fabulous singing fish! Heh heh heh heh! With our rendition of "You Light Up My Life". Heh, maestro, please.

Music begins. Lew plays the fish like a row of horns, until he is yanked off-stage by a hook.


Piggy, dressed for Veterinarian's Hospital, yanks Lew off stage with the hook and pulls him aside.

MISS PIGGY (grunting) Listen, fish-freak, we are trying to put on a classy show here!

LEW ZEALAND You can't treat me like that! I'll sic my pet barracuda on you! Get 'er, Fred! (wiggles it in her face)

MISS PIGGY AAAAH! Get that slimy thing away from me! (swats it with the hook)

KERMIT (on the intercom) Okay, Vet's Hospital on in three minutes!

LEW ZEALAND Kamikaze att*ck! Banzai!

Piggy ducks as Lew throws the fish at her. She gets up and notices Roger, who just came down from the dressing room.

MISS PIGGY Oh! Haha! Roger, how was Hamlet?

ROGER It was canceled. We saw Pygmalion instead.

Piggy runs off in a huff.

LEW ZEALAND Good riddance, short-snout!

ROGER Kermit, is it always like this on the show?

KERMIT Uh, well, how do you mean?

ROGER All this craziness.

KERMIT Oh, well, this is a rather quiet show for us. No unforeseen disasters so far.

The Vet's Hospital cast tramples over Kermit as they rush towards the stage.

JANICE Hurry up, guys!

ROWLF All right, all right, all right … I just hit the frog.

MISS PIGGY WATCH OUT!!! (knocks Kermit over)

ROGER Unforeseen disasters?

KERMIT Uh, uh, well, that's a disaster that we knew about all along.

Veterinarian's Hospital

Pan across the operating room as the opening music plays. Piggy walks to the table, which has a Viking pig as the patient.

ANNOUNCER And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing stooooory of a quack who's gone to the dogs.

ROWLF Well, Nurse Piggy, ready to save another life?

MISS PIGGY Yes, Dr. Bob.

ROWLF Good! Send the patient to another hospital! (chuckles)

PIGGY & JANICE (groan)

JANICE Dr. Bob, this is a special patient! Can't you tell by looking at him?

ROWLF (sits the patient up) Yes, he looks like a very unlucky bullfighter — gored right through the gourd! (chuckles)

PIGGY & JANICE (groan)

ROWLF Down, boy!

MISS PIGGY Dr. Bob, that is a helmet and he is a Viking.

ROWLF I know all about 'em. They come from Denmark. One of my ancestors was a Viking.

MISS PIGGY Oh, this isn't going to be a "great Dane" joke, is it?

ROWLF Well, it's a Dane joke, but I wouldn't call it great. (chuckles)

PIGGY & JANICE (groan)

JANICE Dr. Bob, no more jokes just because he's Danish!

ROWLF Well, don't blame me! I ordered a roll, not a Danish! (chuckles)

PIGGY & JANICE (groan) Brother!

ROWLF Gotta keep 'em coming, fast and furious.

JANICE Why not try fast and funny?

PIGGY & ROWLF (groan)

VIKING PIG (sits up) Just hurry it up, will ya? I've gotta get back to my plundering and pillaging!

ROWLF (pushes him down) Down, boy! Listen, my ancestor the Viking was terrible at plundering and pillaging.

JANICE He was?

ROWLF Yes, he blundered his plundering and he was stupid with his pillaging! (chuckles)

PIGGY & JANICE (groan) How stupid was he?

ROWLF They called him the Pillage Idiot! (chuckles)

PIGGY & JANICE (groan)

ANNOUNCER And so we come to the end of another Veterinarian's Hospital. Tune in again next week, when you'll hear Dr. Bob say …

ROWLF Good night, and may the good Lord take a Viking to you! (chuckles)

JANICE (groan)

MISS PIGGY Ah ha ha ha! "Viking to you"! Ha ha ha ha!

In the orchestra pit, Rowlf, Zoot, Janice, Floyd, Animal, Lips and Trumpet Girl perform an instrumental of "How High the Moon."

Bear on Patrol

The opening sequence plays.

ANNOUNCER And now … ridding the world of evil, here comes Bear on Patrol!

Police station. Chief Link looks in the mirror while fitting a new toupee.

FOZZIE Oh — oh great, you found my frisbee!

LINK HOGTHROB It is not a frisbee, it is my toupee. It's a good thing I ordered a new one.

A knock on the door.

LINK HOGTHROB Oh! That must be the visiting toupee representative, and you know what that means.

FOZZIE Yes! The Wigman!

The salesman enters.

SALESMAN This could be your lucky day!

LINK HOGTHROB Well, I certainly hope so.

The salesman sets a suitcase down on the table, opens it, and takes out a pair of handcuffs.

SALESMAN These are the very latest …

He puts one of the cuffs on Fozzie.

LINK HOGTHROB That is not a wig.

SALESMAN It is not a wig.

LINK HOGTHROB It would look dumb and they would slide off my head.

SALESMAN No, these will never slide off. (yanks Fozzie along, demonstrating his point)

FOZZIE Whoa! Wait! Sir? Sir, you're OH! — Sir, sir, sir —WHOA! Sir! Sir!

SALESMAN Yeah! Get the picture?

LINK HOGTHROB Yes! You are a handcuff salesman!

FOZZIE (exhausted, to salesman) I don't think we need any handcuffs today, sir. See, (points to Link) he loses the key.


SALESMAN Here, you try 'em!

He snaps the other cuff on Link.

FOZZIE What are you do- … I don't like this. Wait a min- OH! Whoa! Sir! Whoa!

Link yanks Fozzie while trying to get loose.

LINK HOGTHROB Yeah. They're good, all right.

FOZZIE I don't know, there's something about them I just don't like.

SALESMAN Well, they do have some drawbacks.

FOZZIE How do you get them off?

SALESMAN That's one of the biggest.

He swiftly strips Link and Fozzie down to their underwear, making off with their uniforms and valuables.

FOZZIE Wait, hold it! You can't leave us like this!

SALESMAN You're right. Here's fifty cents.

He tosses two quarters.

LINK HOGTHROB What's that for?

SALESMAN Get yourself a decent frisbee.

He wheelbarrows the entire contents of the station away.

Kermit talks on the phone.

KERMIT Hello, Secret Service? Uh, this is Kermit the Frog, speaking from the Muppet Theater. Uh, listen, I need to hire a bunch of spies for a closing number. (nods) Mm-hm. How fast can you get here?

He is immediately cornered by three Frackle spies.

KERMIT Uh, uh, that was pretty fast! (the spies chuckle)

PURPLE SPY All right, who gave you the Secret Service phone number?

KERMIT No one! It's in the Yellow Pages!

SPIES It is?

KERMIT Mm-hm. Listen, all I wanted was some real-life spies for a closing number. It's a big spy spectacular featuring 007, James Bond.

SPIES James Bond?

PURPLE SPY Don't worry.

PINK SPY We'll fix 'im. (the spies chuckle)


PURPLE SPY Yeah, you won't be bothered by him again.

PINK SPY Yeah. At last, a chance to get James Bond!

KERMIT Hey guys …

The spies laugh, then quickly depart. Roger comes out of his dressing room.

ROGER Kermit? Excuse me, Kermit, everything ready for the closing number?

KERMIT Uh, it's all fixed up, Roger, and it's going to be absolutely and totally —

ROGER Oh, it'll be cute, don't worry.

KERMIT Uh, cute was the only thing I hadn't worried about.

ROGER But, Kermit, I'm going to sing "Talk to the Animals," surrounded by oodles of cute, fluffy little creatures. (strokes Gaffer) You'll be surprised.

KERMIT I'll be surprised? I already am.

Meanwhile, the spies hide behind the circus set.

PURPLE SPY Cute fluffy animals, huh?

PINK SPY Good thing we're masters of instant disguise!

The spies chuckle as Kermit encounters them.

KERMIT Good thing you're what?

The spies pop out wearing furry costumes.

SPIES Cute fluffy animals! (they chuckle)

KERMIT What the hey?

Muppet Sports

The split-screen montage plays as Louis announces.

LOUIS KAZAGGER This is Louis Kazagger, from the Woodland Hills, Nevada, Salt Flats, where we are now in the fifth week of the annual Dwight D. Eisenhower Memorial Cross-Country Billiards Tournament.

Pan over to a forest clearing.

LOUIS KAZAGGER Here at the far turn, it appears that top-seated Rodney Rugg is in the lead.

A cue ball lands. Rodney hits it with his cue, then runs after it. Another player passes him.

LOUIS KAZAGGER However, eager young Swedish hopeful Boo Mortmorkson is pulling up fast with only three and a half miles to go.

Mortmorkson approaches his cue ball, hits it, and follows it.

LOUIS KAZAGGER Wait a minute! What a game, folks! Boo has overshot the course, and landed in a trap!

A deer emerges, with the ball in his antler.

LOUIS KAZAGGER A moose trap, that is.

DEER I'm not a moose. I'm a deer!

Mortmorkson encounters the deer. The deer dodges as Mortmorkson tries to hit the ball. He chases after the deer, yelling out as if it were a mating call.

LOUIS KAZAGGER And that's all for now, from Muppet Sports.

Muppet Newsflash

Open on Newsman in newsroom.

NEWSMAN Here is a Muppet newsflash. (reads from the paper) An international spy ring is trying to sneak ridiculous stories into the news. Fortunately, with the tight security in the Muppet Newsroom, it can't happen here. (tosses the paper away) In other news, a black and yellow striped mackerel was elected king this morning and — (scowls) — Art?


NEWSMAN Where have you been?

JANITOR Oh, I've been showing His Majesty around the newsroom.

The king fish enters.

NEWSMAN Holy mackerel!

MACKEREL No, "your highness" will do. Would you like to be knighted?

NEWSMAN Uh, of course!

MACKEREL Okay! Good night!

He whacks the Newsman with his scepter.


Scooter is surrounded by a menagerie of cute, fluffy animals for the closing number. He tries to stop a gopher from drinking out of Kermit's coffee mug.

SCOOTER Uh, don't drink that, I don't think Kermit — aww … no, no, please don't touch …

Upstairs, the spies gather in disguise.

PURPLE SPY (GREEN DOG) The next musical number is where we get Bond. (they chuckle) Just go down there, mingle with the other animals, and act cute and cuddly. (they chuckle and go downstairs)

SCOOTER Let go! Let go! Let go!

KERMIT Uh, Scooter, Scooter, listen, I gotta go introduce the finale. Now, some of these animals are spies. (Scooter gasps) Uh, you gotta get rid of the spies.

SCOOTER But how?

KERMIT Uh, well, tell them there are no spies in the closing number. You just say, "Spies, go home." (walks to the stage)

PURPLE SPY Okay, mingle, mingle …

SCOOTER Uh … there are no spies in the closing number! (the animals react in confusion) Spies, go home! (the animals shrug) Kermit, nobody's goin' home!

"Talk to the Animals"

Main stage. Kermit enters.

KERMIT Uh, well, folks, we were going to do a big James Bond closing number, with spies and counterspies and action and mayhem, (shouts offstage) but we're not going to do that! Please! Uh, so uh, here he is, that gentle, fun-loving charmer, Roger Moore.

The curtain opens on a circus setting. Roger strolls around.

ROGER If I could talk to the animals,

Just imagine it.

Talking to a chimp in chimpanzee.


RABBIT (singing)

Imagine talking to a tiger…

TIGER (singing)

Rapping with a rabbit…

Talk to the animals.jpg

ROGER What a happy habit that would be.

If I could talk to the animals…

ANIMALS (singing)

Learn our languages…

GOPHER (singing)

Maybe take an animal degree…

ROGER I'd study elephant, and eagle,

Buffalo, and beagle,

Alligator, guinea pig, and flea.

DOG Scratch the flea.

ROGER I'd learn to parlez vous avec my poodle.

With my g'nu …

GNU Your g'noodle would expand.

ROGER And if they asked me, "Can you handle an Afghan?" …

AFGHAN You'd say …

ROGER "I have-gan!"

AFGHAN And you'd get a hand!

ROGER If I conferred with my furry friends,

Man to animal,

There would be no animosity.

If I could walk with the animals,

Talk with the animals …

ROGER & ANIMALS Grunt and squeak and squawk with the animals …

ROGER And they could talk. To. Me.

BASKERVILLE Uh, excuse me, Roger, but aren't you also 007, James Bond?

ROGER Well, sometimes.

BASKERVILLE (fearful) Oh, I hope this is one of those times!


BASKERVILLE Because those new guys over there are spies!

ROGER Not spies, pies! I trod in one earlier.

The head spy hands him a lit b*mb.


Roger tosses away the b*mb, then proceeds to fend off the spies' att*ck flawlessly as he continues the song.

ROGER I'll have a talk to the animals,

Trade a thought or two

In language I think they'll comprehend.

And to the music of Scarlatti,

Some judo and karate,

I'll prove I'm strong enough to make them bend.

Communication is what we need,

Then they'll understand,

Things can always end up peacefully.

When I've explained to the animals,

Brained all the animals,

Fought and taught and trained all the animals,

They won't talk back … to … me.

The animals cheer and gather around him.

ANIMALS (singing)

Now that you've talked to the animals,

Who needs other tongues?

ROGER I can speak your language fluently.

Now I can walk with the animals,

Talk to the animals,

ROGER & ANIMALS Grunt and squeak and squawk with the animals …

ROGER And they can talk. To. Me.



Kermit comes on stage.

KERMIT And as we explode gently into the West, we hope you got as big a bang out of tonight's show as we did.

A b*mb explodes behind him, startling him.

KERMIT Uh, but before we go, let us say thank you to a very courageous and brave and foolhardy guest, ladies and gentlemen, Roger Moore! Yaaaay!

ROGER Thank you, Kermit. I've had a wonderful time, and I have certainly learnt my lesson.

KERMIT Uh, well, what lesson is that?

ROGER Well, from now on, I am through with cute, cuddly little animals.

He is then surrounded by ugly Muppets who get cozy around him.

ROGER Thanks to this show, I shall stick to the sick, weird, disgusting animals I can trust.

KERMIT Well, uh, that's all for now! We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!

The credits roll.

STATLER Well, I guess I'll go talk to the animals.

WALDORF What animals?

STATLER The wife and kids!

They chuckle.
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