[theme music playing]
Suture. Clamp.
[chatter]
Suture.
Sponge.
[scoffs]
Frank, as long as we
have to work together,
I don't see why
we can't be friends.
Friends? Don't you dare mention the word "friend" to me,
you-- you nurse.
Scissors.
-Ow!
-Hmm.
Hey, you two, these public displays of affection
have got to stop.
[both chuckling]
I've seen it
happen before.
Married men go
all to pieces
when their girlfriends
get engaged.
Cut.
It's not losinga girlfriend.
He's afraid of gettinghis own wife back.
[chuckles]
Look at this foot.
Kid's quite
a marksman, isn't he?
Don't let Frank hear you say that.
If he finds out this kid shot himself,
he'll form a posse and have him lynched.
Yeah. Suture.
Wonder why they always
go for the foot.
Why didn't he try sh**ting
himself in the canteen?
Yeah, then they could win the Purple Tush.
Close for me.
Blow it out your ear.
All right, where did you hide the Band-Aids?
Band-Aids?
Frank, you're working
on an abdominal wound
the size of
the Grand Canyon.
It's for me, you simp.
She pinched my pinkie with the scissors.
She was getting
even, Frank.
You've pinched her
plenty of times.
-Tit for tat.
-Yeah, what's that?
That? In medical parlance,
we call that a foot.
-See? It's a matched set.-You know what I mean.
I happen to be an experton foot wounds,
and that looks fishy to me.
I think he hasa fish fetish.
This man shot himself.
No, no, no, no. That's not what happened, Frank.
-No?
-No, no, no.
See, this is, uh, this is Danny Fitzsimons,
the star place kicker from Fordham.
Now, what happened is an enemy soldier
shot at him from very close range.
And instinctively,
Danny tried to kickthe b*llet out of the way.
It's true.
-You're kidding!
-No.
Well, what about
the enemy soldier?
Ten-yard penalty.
For roughing the kicker.
Twerps.
There's an incoming chopper, sirs. Two wounded.
Radar,
get him into post-op.
And then go find Father Mulcahy.
I think he oughta have a little talk
-with our football hero.-Yes, sir.
-Corporal?
-Yes, sir.
Does Fordham
have a football team?
I don't know, sir. I've been in post-op all morning.
Oh.
Take care of my pal first. He's much worse.
We're gonna take
care of everybody.
Please go check on him. He saved my life.
Lift him out.
[B.J. chattering]
Notice anything unusual
about this guy?
He's out of uniform. He's wearing a fur coat.
I'm glad he's conscious.
I'd hate
to have to give him
mouth-to-mouth
resuscitation.
-How is he?
-He's fine.
He just asked me how you bust out of this chicken outfit.
[knocking]
Come in.
Um, Father--
Oh, I'm sorry,
Father.
No, no. Oh, what is it, Radar?
Uh, Father,
Captain Pierce wants you in the O.R. right away.
He says he has someone
he wants you to talk to.
Well, certainly, certainly.
It's not for the last rites, is it?
-Uh, no, sir.
-Thank heaven.
Oh, uh, Father...
excuse me, would you
happen to know, uh,
if Fordham has
a football team?
A darn good one.
They don't call them the Rams for nothing.
I knew
a priest would know.
He tried to warn me about the mine,
but I wasn't paying attention.
So he tripped it...saved my life.
I think he's gonna
be all right.
It's mostly the leg,
especially the paw.
Captain, I don't mean
to seem unsympathetic,
but that dog really
shouldn't be in here.
Think of the germs.
You have more germs than that dog, nurse.
I beg your pardon!
I rise in defense
of the lady.
She showers frequently.
I know because
I watch her.
Pervert.
I just meant that dogs don't have
-as many germs as humans.-HAWKEYE: Forget it.
Hawkeye,
there's someone you
want me to talk to?
Yeah, I got kind of an unusual case for you, Father.
Oh, my.
What denomination
is he?
HAWKEYE: He's a German shepherd.
I guess that makes him a Lutheran.
Oh, gee.
What happened, fella?
It's not the dog,Father.
It's Private Fitzsimonsin post-op.
Well, what's the trouble?
Why don't you
just go have a talk
with him, okay?
Certainly.
-Oh, Frank, um...
-Huh?
I got a case over here.
It's a little
over my head.
It's another foot wound.
Since you're the expert,
-why don't you take it?-Oh, of course.
Well, you understand, Pierce,
that it's not necessarily
because I'm a better surgeon than you.
It's just that, uh, I know my feet.
I know.
Uh, listen, I-I, um,
I think I oughta warn you
that this definitely
is self-inflicted.
-You're sure?
-Positive.
He tripped a land
mine on purpose.
We have a witness.
[sighs]
Well, I'm here as a doctor.
I mean, first we'll get him healthy again,
then, uh, court-martial him.
And if all goes well,
put him in frontof a firing squad.
-Where is he?
-Right over here.
That's a dog!
-Very good, Frank.-I knew he'd get it.
Well, I'm not operating
on any damn dog.
Oh, come on, sir.
You've got to.
After all,
dogs are people, too.
Well, I'm not
going to do it,
especially because that's
a self-inflicted wound.
He did it to save my life.
Well,
that's what he says now.
Look, he might be a dog,
but he also happens to be a corporal
in the United States Army.
See, these two were scheduled
to be rotated back to the States any day now.
And it wouldn't look very good, Frank,
if-if-if, uh...What's his name?
Cupcake.
Really?
If Corporal Cupcake never made it back to the States
because you wouldn't operate on him.
Don't forget, Frank, he's a hero.
Yeah, he's scheduled to be awarded
the Silver Fire Hydrant.
Well, I better scrub.
You're gonna be okay,
boy.
An altar boy, my.
Where you from?
Philadelphia.
Saint Isadore's Parish.
Philadelphia!
I was in the seminary there.
You must know Father Marty Gallagher.
Sure do. He's my pastor.
Oh, I studied with him. Oh, what a man.
We used to call him "Boom Boom" Gallagher.
So did we.
Father, do you know how he got his name Boom Boom?
No, I don't.
He was a chaplain
in World w*r II.
He was always way
up at the front.
He was so close
to the a*tillery
that when he
finished a sermon,
the enemy would say "Amen."
Yes, he used to tell usstories about the w*r.
But I have to admit,
I don't find w*r quiteas exciting as he did.
Neither do I.
You know, Father Gallagher
would be proud of youright now.
I don't think so.
Oh, why wouldn't he be?
Because I shot
myself in the foot
to get outta here.
Oh, my goodness.
Danny, how old are you?
Eighteen...and a half.
Well, you're young.
You're far from home.You made a mistake.
But we alldo foolish things.
It wasn't foolish.
I'd do it again in a minute.
You can't mean that.
Father, you sit around
with your butt in
the mud for weeks,
watching sn*pers pick offyour buddies one by one.
They sneak up at night
in canvas shoes
so you can't hear them.
One night,
I was in a foxhole
with four other guys.
I snuck out to go
to the latrine,
and when I got back,
all four of them were dead.
I couldn't take it anymore.
Danny, I'm sureit's rough out there.
I-I imagineit's very difficult,
-but--
-You imagine?
Father, haven't you
ever been up there?
-No.
-Not even once?
You've never been up there,not even for a little while?
Well...
I've wanted to go...
but...
I-I'm not allowed.
[sighs] Boy,
if Boom Boom
could see us now.
He'd wonder
where he went wrong.
Well, let's nottalk about Boom Boom.
Let's talk about you.
Tell me about it.
I know it's rough.
Father, with
all due respect,
we don't haveanything to talk about.
Let's face it,
you have no ideawhat it's like up there.
Whoops! Missed again.
I have the same troublemyself, sir.
Well, at least my cheekswon't be bloodshot.
If these drops of yours work,
I'll get you
a field promotion.
Sir, I know we've talkedabout this before,
but I want you to understandhow useless I feel here.
Why, the men don't needmy words of comfort
when they're safeand being taken care of.
They need comfort up there,
where they're wet and cold
and facing b*ll*ts.
Father, you've gotthe toughest job in camp,
and there's
not much glory in it
like there is forthe surgeons and the nurses.
But you're the one who really
holds things together.
You should be proud.
Colonel, I had
a seminary teacher
who was a chaplain
in World w*r II--
Father Marty Gallagher.
Boom Boom Gallagher?
Oh, my, you knew him?
No. Heard about him.
He was famousfor the poker gameshe used to organize
whenever the Germanartillery took a break.
Colonel, Boom Boom
used to excite us
with his stories
about being right up
front with the men,
and that's
where I want to be.
Father, this is
a different w*r.
Line officers don't wantchaplains up at the front.
It's just another unarmed man
they have to be
responsible for.
Whoops!Got the ear that time.
Yeah, right. We don'thave any choppers,
and you don't haveany ambulances.
Now, if we could just runout of wounded soldiers,
we wouldn't have to bein business at all.
All right. Look,
I'll send a litter jeepright up there, okay?
All right. Yeah, okay.
[sighs]
-Radar.
-Yeah.
They got a guy upat the aid stationwho needs surgery.
Do you think you and Igorcould grab a jeep
-and go get him?
-What do you mean?
Go up to the aid
station where all
the sh**ting is?
A man's lifedepends on it.
Well, I know, but I got
all this work here.
Colonel Potter
expects me to--
-Okay. I'll do it.
-Okay. Thanks.
I gotta go back to O.R.
[sighs]
Hey, how's the dog doin'--Corporal Cupcake?
Oh, he's gonna be fine.
He's got a pleasantlittle snarl on his face.
You don't
belong up there.
You belong right here.
We need you.
Sir? Oh, pardon me.
Uh, what is it, Radar?
Uh, sir, there'ssomeone badly wounded
up at the aid station.
Your permission for Igorand me to go get him?
All right, Radar,go ahead. But be careful.
Oh, yes, sir.
I'm sorry I interruptedyour service, Father.
Hmm?
You're doing a fine job,
but try to understand.
You're a chaplain,not a soldier.
Well, I think I'm
a soldier too, sir.
I certainly
look like one.
I once saw a pictureof Calvin Coolidgein a w*r bonnet,
but that didn'tmake him an Indian.
Sorry, Father.
Yes, sir.
B.J.: Father.
Father Mulcahy,is anything wrong?
You have a very determinedlook on your face.
Do I?
Well, I don't mean to.
Is there somethingI can do for you?
No. No. I-I guess I'll
have to do for myself.
-Thank you.
-Sure.
Come on, Igor.
We gotta get rolling.
Igor, you stay here.I'll go with Radar.
Uh, Father, you
gotta get permission.
I only got orders
for Igor and me.
I'll be responsible, Radar.
There's a wounded man,
and he needs a priest.
-Here. Take my helmet.-Yeah.
Father, you're gonna get
both of us in trouble.
Radar, you play poker,right?
-Not now, Father.
-No, no, no, no.
A very wise priestonce said,
"No matterhow well you bluff,
"eventually you haveto put your cards onthe table."
-I can't argue with that.-[engine starts]
'Cause I don't
know what you're
talking about.
Okay, take it away.
[explosions in distance]
Easy now.
That's good. Okay.
-Yeah, just sign here.
-Yeah.
You know, you guysare lifesavers.
I don't knowhow long he'd lastwithout surgery.
That's a badchest wound.
[expl*si*n]
No use, Padre.Every once in a while,
the Chinese let us knowthat they invented gunpowder.
How in heaven'sname do you everget used to it?
You get used to nevergetting used to it.
I wish he were conscious.
I'd like to offersome comfort.
Being unconsciousis as comfortable
as you can get up here,Padre.
Do you ever get any
wounded dogs up here?
Nah. They're too smartto get wounded.
They just point outwhere the Chinese are,
they step aside.
They're kindalike generals.
Radar, we'd better
get underway.
-This man needs attention.-Right.
-Well, wait a minute.
-What?
We had a goat uphere once, though.
Very seriousshrapnel wounds.
Oh, wow.
What'd you do?
We ate 'im.
How's he doing, Father?
He seems okay.
Radar,I want to thank you
for bringing mealong on this.
I really neededthe experience.
That's okay, Father.
Sometimes
it's more important
to be nice to people
than to worry about
the rules, you know.
Geez, I remember
once in school,
we were having this test,
you know,
and there was this boy
Leonard Gerst.
He wanted to, you know,
copy off of me.
Ah.
And I knew his mother
would beat him up,
uh, if he flunked
the test,
so I let him copy.
That was a very nicething to do, Radar.
-Also, he gave me $3.00.-[laughing]
I'll have a cafe espresso
and for my friend herea cappuccino deluxe.
-Help yourself.
-Ah.
We also have a special today
on roast crown of lamb
with cranberry stuffing,
served with a side order
of fresh poached salmon
and dill sauce.
No, thanks. I had thatfor breakfast.
This is terrible,
even by my standards.
And this from a manwho drinks lime Kool-Aid
with stripsof bologna in it.
Klinger, have you
seen Father Mulcahy?
No, sir, I haven't
seen him all day.
But if it's
a spiritual problem,
give me a minute, and I'll
come back as a nun.
Careful, Klinger. Dressingas a nun can be habit-forming.
It isn't a spiritual problem.It's physical--
-a hole in the foot.
-Spare me.
Some guys sh**t in the footto get sent back home.
Not me!
I'd ruin a perfectly
good pair of nylons.
Say, Pierce-- Butt out.
I checked on
that Fitzsimons kid,
and he couldn't
have played football
for Fordham.
He's only 18.
He entered whenhe was 16, Frank.
Got lucky. He went thereon a bingo scholarship.
Oh, those Catholics.
[chuckling]
-How's Corporal Cupcake?-Who?
The pooch. Woof! Woof!
Oh, him.
Resting comfortably.
He'll be backon his paws in no time.
Oh, what a humiliating
experience.
I mean, no surgeon withan ounce of self-respect
would operate on a dog.
Frank, you know some vetsearn more money than doctors.
-Oh?
-Sure.
Better get his address.
Put him on
my Christmas card list.
-Mmm, couldn't hurt.
-Oh!
You know, you reallydon't get used to it.
-Radar! Radar, pull over!-Huh?
Stop the jeep!He's choking!
There's something wrong!Oh, God, pull over!
I am. Wait a minute! Where?
-What's the matter?
-Help me.
-Help me to clear his throat.-Ooh!
[soldier gasping]
It isn't working.
Well, maybe there'ssomething stuck downthere, Father.
[soldier choking]
His tongue is swollen.
It's blocking the passage.
Oh! He's not breathing!
He's not breathing at all!
Radar, call the base.
Get one of the doctors.
Right.
Hi. This is the litter
jeep, MASH 407--
Litter jeep calling
MASH 4077! Come in!
Come in, anybody!
I'm not just anybody,
but I'll talk.
What is it, Radar?
Uh, Klinger, it's Radar.
Listen, we're
in trouble here.
Get me a doctor real quick.
Gotcha! Captain Pierce,Hunnicutt,
Colonel Potter, emergency!
What? What?
The radio, sir.It's Radar.
Put it on the speaker.
What's the problem, Radar?
The guy we're bringing
back can't breathe.
Father Mulcahy says
his tongue is swollen up.
What's Mulcahydoin' there?
This is Father Mulcahy.
I know I'm not
supposed to be here,
but we've got a man
in bad trouble.
He needs help!
Father, where's
the man wounded?
Well, in the chest, Hawkeye,
but I don't think
that's the trouble.
His tongue is swollen,
and he can't breathe.
Is he gettingany air at all?
-No, sir. Not much.
-Hardly any at all.
-Tracheotomy.
-Right.
Father, Radar,
listen carefully.
You only have
a couple of minutes.
One of you is
gonna have to cut
a small hole
in the man's throat
to let air in.
You mean cut like a doctor?
We'll give youstep-by-step instructions.
I'm no good atstep-by-step. You do it.
Hawkeye, do you
think we can?
If you don't,
the man's dead!
-Oh, very well. We're ready.-[soldier choking]
All right, Father, here we go.
First you need somethingto cut with, a sharp knife.
-Sharp knife.-You have a first-aid kit.
See if there's anythingsharp in there you can use.
[soldier groaning]
Uh, let's see.
Aw, geez, there'snothing in here
but these, uh,funny little scissors
they gave usin kindergarten.
Why can't they keepthese things complete?
Don't youhave anything else?
I've got my
Tom Mix pocketknife.
Tom Mix pocketknife.
Your what?
"Tom Mix" was
an old radio show.
It's very sharp.
Okay, fine.
That's fine. Look,
you need a small tube.When you make the hole,
you're gonna put the tube in,
and the man will
breathe through that.
A tube?
Part of a syringe
will do
if there's one
in the kit.
You could use the topof a fountain pen.
Just snip off one end.
Is a pencil okay?
No, it has to be
something hollow.
Think!
Wait! Wait!
-My bottle of eyedrops.-Eyedrops!
The dropper
is plastic.
I'll just pull
the cap off.
HAWKEYE: Okay, that's kinda small, but that'll do.
Now, look, Father, you're gonna have to work fast.
In the first-aid kit,
get the alcohol.
Sterilize the knife
and the man's neck.
Where's the alcohol?Where's the alcohol?
Oh, okay, okay.We're doing it.
Okay. Father,
if you're ready,
look for a notch atthe base of his throat.
It's right where
the chest starts.
Right in the middle.
-Oh, boy.
-I got it!
Good. Now take the knifeand make an incision,
a vertical incision
through the skin
about two inches long.
There's gonna be
a little blood,
but that's okay.
Oh. Oh, sure. Okay.
Oh!
Oh, ick! Oh, he did it!He did it!
Good, Father. Very good.
Okay, now open thatskin with your fingers,
and keep cutting
until you see a couple
of little horizontal rings of tissue.
I got it.
He got it.
Okay, now this is it, Father.
That tissue is fibrous.
It's not gonna be easy to cut.
Make an incision betweenthe rings of tissue,
and then stick the tubein the hole you made.
The man will be breathingthrough that tube.
Now work fast.
I have to say
a prayer first.
He's gotta saya prayer first.
Make it a damnshort one.
-I can't think of any.
-Oh, my God.
Bless us, O Lord,
and these Thy gifts
which we are about to
receive from Thy bounty
through Christ,
our Lord. Amen.
That's grace!
Aah!
Don't pay anyattention to the blood.
Just get the tube in there.
[groans]
[groans]
[gasping]
-He's breathing!
-[gasping]
You hear that?He's breathing! He did it!
Okay, tape the tube in place
and pack some cotton around it
to stop the bleeding.
You did it!
Oh, the skin
and the tissue
seem to close right
in around the tube.
Father, that's exactlywhat's supposed to happen.
You did it!
You did it!
-Amen.
-Amen.
Good work, Padre.
Get that man back hereas fast as you can.
We did it.
Oh, boy, we did it.
Well, what do youthink of that?
-I think I'm a fool.
-What do you mean?
I came all the way overto Korea to perform surgery.
I could have stayedat home and phoned it in.
Come on. I think
I'd better drive.
Okay.
-Radar, you all right?-Oh, yeah. Sure.
I'm just a little carsick.
What happenedto the wheel?
Oh!
Father,let's get outta here!
Very well, Radar,
if you insist.
♪[mellow jazz on jukebox] ♪
Now, Father,I thought we had a deal.
We save the bodies.You save the souls.
Oh, my. Well, I hope
I didn't violate
any union regulations.
Hmm.
-Father.
-Hey, Father.
Thought you'd like to know
your patient
is doing just fine.
We're all thinking oftrading in our scalpels
for Tom Mix pocketknives.
Padre, I could
swear I told you
not to go up to the front.
Yes, sir. You did, sir.
And in spite of the factthat I saved a man's life,
I now feel I waswrong to disobey you.
Cleverly put.
Boom Boom Gallagher
would be proud of you.
Oh... what a nice thought.
You know, Father,
first time I operated,I was scared stiff.
And there weren't any bombsgoing off around me, either.
I can imagine whatit was like for you.
No, Hawkeye, you can't.
Why not?
You had to be there.
Hello, Danny.
Hello, Father.
I understand you had
quite an afternoon.
Oh, you heard, did ya?
Yeah. Everybody's
talkin' about it.
You actually cuta hole in a guy's throat.
And under fire, too.
Were you scared?
Terrified.
You know, I-I thinkit gave me a little taste
of what it was like for you.
Danny, maybe it almost givesme the right to talk to you.
What do you think?
Let's talk, Father.
Yes. Why don't we?
Now listen,Seoul is a very big city,
and there are certain femalesyou gotta watch out for.
Sir, you don't have to warnme about stuff like that.
I wasn't talking to you.I was talking to him.
So long, Corporal Cupcake.
It's been a pleasure
serving with you.
Well, taking off, huh?Bye, pooch.
[growls, barks]
Oh, nice!If it weren't for me,
you'd be in a wheelchair.
Go ahead, Phil.
You know what's funny?
When Cupcake
gets his promotion,
I'm gonna be outranked
by a dog.
I know how you feel.
I'm only a captain,and Frank is a major.
[theme music playing]
05x08 - Mulcahy's w*r
Watch/Buy Amazon Merchandise
During the Korean w*r the staff of an Army hospital find that humor helps deal with the difficulties.
During the Korean w*r the staff of an Army hospital find that humor helps deal with the difficulties.