Come and listen to my story
‘Bout a man named jed,
A poor mountaineer
Barely kept his family fed.
And then one day
He was sh**t at some food,
And up through the ground
Come a bubbling crude.
Oil that is,
Black gold,
Texas tea.
Well the first thing you know
Ol' jed's a millionaire,
The kin folks said,
"Jed, move away from there".
Said, "californy is the
place you ought to be",
So they loaded up the truck
And they moved to beverly,
Hills that is,
Swimming pools,
Movie stars.
The beverly hillbillies.
Now come along and visit
With the clampett family
As they take you
to their mansion
In the hills of beverly.
When they do you'll run into
A friend of theirs you've met,
That good old friend
with filter blend,
Winston cigarette.
Winston tastes good
Like a cigarette should.
Now quit arguing jed,
Come on.
Granny, this is a
lot of dern nonsense.
Come on, it ain't
no such thing.
Now, it ain't
gonna hurt you none.
I got things to do.
The first thing you gotta do
Is sit down here
And get your hair cut.
My hair don't need cuttin'.
If it gets any longer,
I'll have to braid it.
I declare.
You fight haircuttin'
Like a steer fights brandin'.
Well, the last
time you cut my hair
You did brand me.
How did I know
Somebody poured
hot gravy in my bowl?
Smarted considerable.
Sure plastered your
hair down nice, though.
You know, I might go
to sellin' that stuff.
Gravy?
Sure made your hair
look mighty sprucy,
Yes, sir.
You was slicker
than a peeled onion.
Smelled like one, too.
Yes, sir.
I could go to
sellin' that stuff.
I could put an ad in
one of them catalogs.
"If you want the
girls to stop and stare,
Put granny's
gravy on your hair."
All right granny,
Come on, let's get on with it.
Hey, uncle jed,
You're getting' your hair cut.
Thanks for tellin' me, jethro.
Oh, that's all right.
You're next, jethro.
What's going on?
Is there gonna be
a weddin' or somethin'?
Might could be the way
That sonny drysdale
is a sparking elly may.
Why, he's with her right now
Out by the cement pond.
I better get right out there
And keep an eye on them.
Now, you sit still
And leave those
young 'uns alone.
Can't you
remember how it was
When you was a boy?
Yeah,
I better get
right out there.
It's broad daylight
And besides they's swimming.
No, they ain't.
They's just
sitting on the bank,
And he's a holding her hand.
An interesting hand you have.
I see a man,
A handsome man,
A handsome harvard man.
Where?
Right there
on your heart line.
Oh, that's just a wart I got
From picking up toads.
Elly, you mustn't let horrid
slimy creatures touch you.
Oh, heck, you
ain't slimy, sonny,
Just a might greasy
From all that oil
you smear on yourself.
What a precious
paradox you are.
What a charming contradiction.
You look pure park avenue
And you speak
pure tobacco road.
Is that good?
Good?
It's fascinating.
You're a challenge to me,
You child of nature.
You are the raw clay
From which I will
mold a perfect woman,
Worthy of a perfect man,
Me.
Do you know
shaw's "pygmalion?"
I don't even know shaw,
Let alone his pig.
Oh you woodland spirit.
You forest little bird.
You are so refreshing
After all those
intellectual types
At vassar and wellesley.
You make me feel superior.
That good?
Good?
It's divine.
I am caesar,
And you are
a fair-skinned c*ptive,
A barbarian sl*ve.
Shall I drag you through
the streets of rome
Behind my chariot
Or shall I throw you
into the arena with my lions?
No, caesar has
other plans for you,
My little savage.
You shall be me sl*ve, yes,
But only the invisible
bonds of love
Shall make you my prisoner.
Come,
I shall strum upon my lyre
And recite odes
to your beauty.
What say you to
that, fair maiden?
How speak you now
To mighty caesar?
I declare, sonny,
You're more fun
Than a bucket of tadpoles.
Sit still,
I'm liable to lop off a ear.
Well, doggone it,
granny, hurry up.
I gotta get out there
And keep a eye
on sonny and elly.
Do you want me to go out
And see what they's
up to, uncle jed?
Now, you just sit still,
The both of you.
How do expect elly
mae to get a husband
If you don't let
the boys spark her?
Well, elly ain't never been
learned about such things.
Jed,
Sparking is like breathing.
You don't learn to dot.
Somebody slaps you
And you go at it.
If that boy slaps...
Uh, now,
I declare you're
wiggling worse
Than a worm in a bait bucket.
Do you want your
daughter to be an old maid?
Of course not.
Next year she'll be
too old to get a husband.
She's almost 18.
Is elly may that old?
Sure is.
She done waited
too long, uncle jed.
Why no boy wants to marry up
With a middle-age woman.
Elly may can get
herself a husband
Any time she wants to.
Why she's
the purdiest and...
Oh, now, don't get your
old feathers riled up,
You old rooster you.
Elly may will be all right
If you just leave her alone.
Well, I ain't
sure sonny drysdale's
Good enough for her.
He's considerable
older than she is.
Well, don't worry
about that, uncle jed.
His family lives a heap
longer than most folks.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Sonny told me that there's
been a member of his family
Living in boston since 1632.
Well, that rascal's
over 300 years old.
He was a greenin' you.
Yeah, you sure
swallowed a whopper.
No, ma'am,
Sonny's honest.
Why he's so honest
He has to have somebody
do his lying for him.
Do his lying for him?
Yes, sir.
Why I heard him call
through the hedge to elly.
He says, I'm coming
over to serenade you,
And I'm gonna bring my lyre.
Veni, vidi, vici.
A world lies
conquered at my feet
And yet I tremble
At the nearness of this
flaxen-haired barbarian.
Could it be that
the invincible caesar
Is about to be vanquished?
Not by the spears and
arrows of the gallic tribes,
But by cupid's dart?
Yes, fair maiden,
You have done
What your fierce
kinsman could not.
You have brought
mighty caesar to his knees.
Come,
I will take
you to my palace
And there compose
odes to your beauty.
See yon window?
Tis the emperor's suite.
There I shall woo you.
Mother!
That's my room,
And those are my binoculars.
You're not supposed
to spy on the emperor.
Oh.
What are you trying
to tell me, sonny?
Mumsy can see you,
But she can't hear you.
Yes, darling,
Mumsy is watching.
You look magnificent,
Like apollo,
The god of manly
youth and beauty,
The god of poetry and music.
Aah, look out!
You're getting
near the water.
Be careful.
Wait!
Mommy will get
your inner tube.
Come, fair maiden,
And I shall sing of
your golden tresses
And your azure eyes
And your skin of alabaster
And your other charms
That set me aflame.
You mean you're
really burning?
Yes, dear one,
And only you can
put out the fire.
Okay.
How's that, sonny,
Feel better now?
All right, jethro,
You're next.
Oh, hi, elly may,
Where's sonny?
Well, he went
home to his momma.
You didn't through him down
And hurt him again did you?
Shucks, no, pop.
He caught fire
So I wetted him
down in the pond.
Sounds like you
done the right thing.
How'd he catch fire?
He said it was my charms
That set him to burnin'.
What charms were you totin'?
Well, just my
sack of crawdad bones
And my buckeye.
I never heard
of crawdad bones
And a buckeye
startin' a blaze.
What happened to
your rabbit's foot?
Uh, I didn't have it.
There you are.
You can expect trouble
When you ain't
totin' a rabbit's foot.
You know what my teacher
over at potts' school said
About totin' a rabbit's foot?
What?
She said it's a
superstitious invocation
Contradicted by
scientific knowledge.
Um, it's always nice to know
You ain't been doing
something foolish.
Don't you worry none, elly.
You go jump
into a purdy dress,
And I'll whomp you
up a love charm
That I guarantee
Will bring
sonny drysdale back.
Yes, I am, mother,
I'm going back.
Darling, you're delirious.
Uh, oh, here,
Breathe some of
this penicillin here.
I'll send for an ambulance.
Mother,
I am perfectly all right.
Of course you are, precious.
A nice rest in an oxygen tent
Is all you need.
I don't need an oxygen tent
Or an ambulance.
All right.
All right.
Just relax
And mumsy will
call the police.
Police?
But of course.
I mean, to have that violent,
Dangerous girl arrested
For attempted drowning.
Mother, you will
not call the police.
I'm going back there right now
To see elly may.
Ah, darling,
That's very brave of you,
But you're in no condition
To make a citizen's arrest.
Mother, I'm not
going to arrest her.
I want to help her,
To work with her,
To tutor her.
What?
She's like a wild,
Wonderful jungle cat,
And, and I'm
going to tame her.
Oh, sonny,
You are delirious.
I'll call the doctor.
Mother.
My mind is made up.
That girl needs me.
For the first time in my life
Somebody really needs me.
I need you.
The whole world needs you.
Elly may clampett needs me,
And I need her.
I'll be her pygmalion,
And she'll be my galatea.
Aah.
Sonny, you're not becoming
emotionally involved
With that creature?
She's not a creature, mother,
She's a girl,
A wild, wonderful,
Beautiful,
Ravishing girl.
Yes, I am becoming
emotionally involved.
Sonny, I forbid it.
She's not socially
acceptable for my baby.
Mother,
I'm not your baby anymore.
I'm a man in
search of a woman.
Where did he
learn that language?
(Doorbell ringing)
Hello, duke,
You noble
veteran of the chase.
Are you homesick
for your forest paths
And mountain trails?
You look like a cashier
Waiting for the bank
examiners to arrive.
(Doorbell ringing)
You know,
If you were a cashier,
You could hide a
million dollars in here.
(Doorbell ringing)
There goes that music again.
Jethro, did you ever find
out where that's coming from?
No, sir, I didn't.
Every time I went
to looking for it,
Somebody always
come to the door.
(Doorbell ringing)
This time I'm gonna
find it for sure.
(Door knocking)
You see!
Oh, bonjour, jethro.
Oh, howdy, miss hathaway.
No, no, no, no.
When I say bonjour, jethro,
You say,
Bonjour, mademoiselle jane.
Now say it.
Bonjour, mademoiselle jane.
Bonjour, mademoiselle jane.
That's very good
Except for
the "moi" sound
It must be soft,
Moi.
Moi.
No, no, no, no, no.
Watch, watch my lips closely.
Moi.
Try that.
Moi.
Try it again.
Moi.
Well, that's closer.
Try again.
Moi.
Once more.
Moi.
Close in on her, jethro.
Oh, oh, oh...
Oh, mr. Clampett,
I was attempting
to teach jethro
To articulate
the gallic diphthong.
No matter what fancy
name you call it,
He ain't very good atit.
He'll learn,
But now to the
purpose of my visit.
Is sonny drysdale here?
No, but, uh, he will be.
Granny's out in the kitchen
Whomping up a love charm
For elly to give to him.
She says it'll
bring him on the run.
Mr. Clampett,
I am reluctant
to disillusion you
About so-called love charms,
But they are mere
superstitious invocations
And have been proved
to be completely ineffective.
Granny sets great
store by 'em too.
Here ya are, elly,
One guaranteed love charm.
Guard it with your life.
What's in it, granny?
Oh, I dare not tell you,
Leastways not just yet,
But I'll give you the secret
Before I go onto my reward
Like my granny done to me.
And I'll guard it too, granny.
Granny?
Granny,
mr. Clampett tells me
That you've conjured up
Some sort of love
charm for elly may.
Right here it is.
It's made out of
all secret stuff.
That is ludicrous,
Irrational,
Sophomoric
And pure hokum.
Ha, ha, you didn't even
guess one ingredient.
No, granny.
Ah, don't you come spyin'.
I'm tellin' you for the
good of the country.
If the secret of this
love charm ever got out,
I shiver to think
what might happen.
I wouldn't want it
on my conscience.
Hear me now, mongrel.
Neither sleet, nor snow,
Nor vicious beast
Shall keep me from
the side of my beloved.
Here I come,
Ready or not.
(Duke growls)
Ohhhh!
So, you still think
it won't work, huh?
That is correct.
All right, elly.
Open up the pouch a-might.
Now, when I drop this
startin' powder init,
Quick, close it,
Press it to your heart
And say darling, darling,
My true love,
Come a-swooping like a dove.
Darling, darling,
My true love,
Come a-swooping like a dove.
This is absolutely...
Elly!
Elly?
I have flown to your side
In spite of all danger.
What fate,
What power have I to thank
For giving wings to me feet?
That little old charm maker,
Me.
And now, we shall
begin the transition
From tobacco road
To park avenue.
Now, you watch me closely,
And I'll show you how
To develop perfect posture
And grace of movement.
Ah, kipling.
Well,
Do you like kipling?
I don't know.
I ain't never kippled.
Oh, you are a challenge,
You ravishing, rustic,
You child of nature.
Now, here, you try it.
There we are.
Now, walk.
Whop.
You'll have to
try that again.
Now sit down.
Now, watch me.
We walk as
though upon a cloud,
And we glide
with listened grace.
And as we walk,
We always keep
A smile upon our face.
What's he doin'?
Right there is something
called "kipling."
He's trying to
learn it to elly.
This is how you
sit in a chair,
Smoothly,
And gracefully.
There ain't no chair
where he's a-sitting.
I know.
What do you reckon's
wrong with that rascal?
It appears to me
He's about two
bricks shy of aload.
Turn old duke loose
So he can go in there
and protect elly.
Now, we'll practice
diction and intonation
At the same time.
How now brown cow.
How now brown cow.
What's he talking about?
He thinks old duke is a cow.
You best fetch granny.
Appears to be
She's throwed too strong
a charm on that boy.
There you are,
One guaranteed charmer.
Now, you hold the bag
While I sift in the starter.
I know this is all
A lot of absolutely
ridiculous nonsense.
Please hurry.
Darling, darling,
My true love,
Come a-swooping like a dove.
I better open this door
Before he busts it in.
Miss jane.
Here he is.
Granny's love
charm is too strong.
Don't fight it.
It's bigger than both of us.
You circled on me.
Granny, come quick.
The love charm you
throwed on sonny drysdale
Was too strong for him.
Thank you, granny.
How now brown cow.
How now brown cow.
How now brown cow.
How now brown cow.
How's it going, uncle jed?
Bad.
Now, he's got elly believin'
Old duke is a cow.
Is it the charm, granny?
I reckon so.
Fll sprinkle him with
some "lettin' go" powder.
While you're at it,
Would you sprinkle
some on miss jane?
She's shuttin' off
the blood to my arm.
How now brown cow.
Secret powder white as snow,
Make the charm
of love let go.
(Sneezing)
The spell is broken.
Now, please
everybody listen to me.
I must have complete
quiet and concentration
If I am to transform
this bucolic beauty
Into a
sophisticated debutante.
Now, I have studied
drama at yale,
Harvard,
Princeton and dartmouth,
And I am probably
The only living man
Who can accomplish
This difficult
cultural metamorphosis
In the brief time available.
Now, everybody please go
While I transfuse
Into this simple
untutored mind,
The charm,
The polish,
The splendor
That is sonny drysdale.
Jed?
Hi, granny.
Is elly and sonny
still in that room alone?
They was the last
time I was listenin'
A couple hours ago.
They was talking
about the rain in spain
And layin' in the plain.
Well, I guess they can't
be up to no nonsense
If they're talkin’
about the weather.
Weee-doggies.
I can't wait to see
elly all polished up
And talking like
sonny and miss jane.
While you're waitin',
I got somethin' for you.
What is it?
A love charm.
What in the sam hill
I want with that?
It ain't what you're wantin'.
It's what you're
getting’, a woman.
And it's high time
You got one bein' a widower.
Besides, the moon is right.
That's why this
stuff is workin'
So high-fired powerful.
So here.
Well, I ain't interested
In none of these la-de-da
Beverly hills women so here.
Well, they're
interested in you,
So here.
Who says?
Jethro says.
Jethro don't know nothing,
So here.
I reckon jethro ought to know
What's going on
in his own school.
Besides, I saw her
making sheep's eyes at you,
So here.
You caught who making
sheep's eyes at me?
Mrs. Millicent skylar potts,
That's who.
Oh, oh, now,
You did?
An educated woman like that.
Jethro says she
asks for you every day.
Hum.
Oh, what'd she want
With an old
mountain goat like me?
If I was to put a little
startin' powder in there
And you was to
say the magic words,
No woman could resist ya.
I don't hold
with stuff like this.
You're scared, ain't you?
Oh, I ain't a-scared.
Then go ahead.
I double-dog dare you.
Well.
Open the pouch a-might.
Now.
Oh, this is just a lot
of doggone nonsense.
Close it tight,
Clamp it to your heart
And say the words.
Darling, darling,
My true love,
Come a-swooping like a dove.
Where is he?
Where's my darling?
It's mrs. Drysdale.
Where is he?
Oh, where is he?
Oh, I tried to stay away,
But I could not.
He's mine and no other
woman shall have him.
Mrs. Drysdale,
you're a married woman.
Think of your husband.
I don't care about my husband.
I want my darling,
And no one is going
to keep me from him.
I sure hate to
have to do this, but...
Ahhhh!
Sonny, where are you sonny?
He's inside with elly may.
Now, if you just
calm yourself down
I'll go and get him.
He's a-coming, mrs. Drysdale.
Howdy, ma,
Was you a-hollering for me?
They brainwashed you.
Well nowit's
time to say goodbye
To jed and all his kin.
And they would like
to thank you folks
For kindly droppin' in.
You're all invited
back next week
To this locality
To have a heapin' helpin'
Of their hospitality.
Hillbilly, that is.
Seta spell.
Take your shoes off.
Y'all come back now, y'hear?
Radio free europe
Needs your help
to fight communism.
Give now to radio free europe.