01x14 - The Family Plumbing

[bunniefuu]

Niles!

Uh-oh. *************

Damn blasted bloody pipes!

I'm selling the house.
We're moving back to England.

And he's taking
it very well.

And I supposed
there's no tea.

Here, suck on this...

sir.

Oh, Daddy, I'm disgusting.
I can't go out in public like this.

That's never
stopped you before.

Good morning, everyone.

Miss Fine, do you have water
in your bathroom? No.

Well, then how could you
possibly look like that?

Believe me, it wasn't easy.
I went through my entire
supply of moist towelettes.

And I laughed at my mother.

Niles, did you call a plumber?
Yeah, I beeped him, sir,

but his yacht has gone
into international waters.

Well, did you look
for someone else?

No. I've been leafing through
the yellow pages for origami supplies.

Oh, if you need a plumber,
I got a second cousin...

No, I'd rather wait for rain.

Are you still holding a grudge
because of my Uncle Aaron,
the electrician.

Hmm? Why should I?
My eyebrows have almost grown back.

Hey, a lot of women will pay
good money for that effect.

It's difficult to get
someone on the weekend, sir.

"Well, cousin Irving is
on call twenty-four hours a day."

Miss Fine, this is an old house
with very delicate pipes.

Hey, my Aunt Ida would let any guy
in a white coat remove her gallstones,

but only Irving could touch
her toilets.

Against every fiber of my body,
contrary to every belief I hold dear,

you can hire your cousin.
But if anything goes wrong...

Oh, would you trust me?
Irving is a legend, believe me.

Before he set-up shop,
they didn't call it Flushing.

Dad, why can't I go?
It's just a party.
Give me one good reason.

I'll give you sixteen. Eight boys
and their grubby little hands.

That's not fair.
Shh! This is a very important call.

Miss Growly, can you do
a pedicure at four?

Margaret, case closed.
Fine. I won't have a life.

I'll end up old
and alone like Fran...

Hi.
Hi.

Have you seen my Polygrip?

Fran, you've got to help me.
Huh? Sorry. I think I've
lost my miracle ear.

Miss Fine, please, I am trying to
schedule my beauty appointments.

Oh, well, I hope
it's not a toll call.

Now what is all this yelling about?
You're making me homesick.

There's a party at Kimberly's
and everybody's going but me.

Just look at this guest list
I found by the telephone.

So, I know most of these kids.
What's the problem?

Well, they're all paired off,
boys and girls, two by two.

It's like Noah's ark.

Oh, your first make-out party.
Who'd you get?

She's not getting anyone,
and no one is getting her.

Did I say make-out?
I meant make-up.

Make-over. Avon.
Mary Kay.

Maybe they'll have Tupperware
there. No kissing, just burping.

Are you done? Unless you've
got something to add.

Well, I do. Maggie, you're
too young. You're not going.

I can't believe you.
You never let me go anywhere.

Not true. Go to your room.

What's the matter?
All the convents are full?

Miss Fine, she's too young
for a kissing party.

She's only fourteen years old.
She's gonna be fifteen.

Oh well, you got
an 'A' in math.

Look, I'm not letting her go to some
Park Avenue apartment crawling with
a bunch of lecherous young men.

Hmm, you wouldn't happen to have
the address, would you?

More pictures and resumes
of showgirls, sir.

Well, the audition's this afternoon.
These should have been here hours ago.

They were.

I'd pay particular attention to Gigi,
Lulu, and the one on the unicycle.

How on earth does
she keep from falling forward?

And even if she did,
she'd bounce right back.

Oh, no, no, no.

These girls won't do.
Look at that one. Big hair,
tight pants, red lips.

Hmm, tramp!

Yeah, well, you're right, C.C.,
they're all tall, leggy and buxom.

And we specifically ordered
short dumpy showgirls.

Oh, that reminds me
of my Aunt Rosalyn.

All she ever wanted to do
was to be a Rockette.

She made the height requirement.
It was the width that was the problem.

I just can't get enough of
these stories of your relatives.

Oh, tell me again about the one
which ends with the plumbing getting fixed.

I'd like to shower and shave
before these auditions.

You are a bit scruffy.

Common.

Brutish.

Need a moist towelette?

Koenig Speedy Plumbing.
Sorry we're late.

Who are you?

I'm Tiffany, your second
cousin, twice removed.

Oh, no way. My cousin Tiffany's
still in Pampers.

Good news, I'm potty-trained.

Which is more than
I can say for him.

Irving?

Fran, you got old.

Yeah, well I was a lot
younger when I called you.

You were supposed to be here
at nine-thirty. We were.

It's a long way from the curb.

Oh, well don't lose your momentum.
The kitchen's down that way.
Keep moving.

Hey, don't touch anything.
You break it, you brought it.

So this is nice. Your grandfather
is baby-sitting you?

Vice-a-versa. When we
let him out alone,

he just keeps driving until
he runs out of gas

and someone calls the number
on the side of the van.

Oh, does that happen often?
Who knows?

It's not our number.
He wrecked our van.

No, you may not look through the keyhole
when your father is auditioning showgirls.

Well why not?
That's where I'll be.

Brighton, c'mere.
I want you to meet Tiffany.

Hi
Hi.

Magic.

Well, why don't you two
kids go up and play?

Mets fan?
Yankees.

Giants?
Jets.

Geek.
Dork.

Play nice!

Whoa, this is
some big house.

I hope he doesn't charge
by the hour. Oy...

Uh-oh.
What's with the uh-oh?

I don't like to hear plumbers
or hairdressers say uh-oh.

I forgot my wrench. Well what were you
doing down there so long without your tools?

That's my business.

Can I get you anything?
Juice? Soda?

Digitalis?

Oh, Niles, Mister Sheffield
is gonna k*ll me.

Why do I have this compulsion to
hire my relatives? It's a sickness.

I know. I should seek help. Well,
I'll call my Uncle Stanley. He's a shrink.

You have no idea what
you're talking about.

Yeah, you think just because I'm not rich
and go to some fancy private school
I don't know anything?

I'm telling you, there were
two Darrens. She is crazy.

No, she's absolutely right.

The first Darren d*ed, the second
Darren just came out of the closet.

Go live with a witch.

********
Yeah, dream on.

Hey, watch it, Richy Rich. You welch
on me, it's the last thing you'll ever do.

So sue me.
It could happen.

Uncle Sidney!

I don't believe this. Even
the troll has a social life.

I know. Here.

Daddy can be such a pain.
I know.

It's just a party.
I know.

Hey, I know a lot.
I should get a raise.

Honey, try to be more understanding
of your father. He just wants
to protect you.

Yeah, well he's impossible.
He never lets me go anywhere.

I remember my mother didn't let me go
to Amy Semoles sweet sixteen
at the bowling alley.

She had this thing about
wearing other people's shoes.

She thought I would get polio.
Or was it Planter's warts?

Anyway, it was
something with a 'p'.

And what does it
have to do with me?

Give me a minute.

Oh, yeah.

You know, sometimes your parents
sound like they're crazy,

but when you really
think about it, they are.

Oy, I'll go talk to your father.

Hey!

Well, the drain's clear.

Wow!

How do you do? Brighton
Sheffield, producer's son.

Hi, Brighton. And what do
you want to be when you grow up?

A halter top.

Hello. Hello.

Hi. Hello.

Look, Fran, giant Barbi dolls.

Would you play with me?

Oh, no, honey.
These toys are for boys.

I have a four octave range,
and I studied acting with Starr Adler.

Very impressive. I can also stand
on my hands and do a full split.

You've got the part.
Oh, thank you, Mister Sheffield.

I can't wait to work for you.
Oh God, I want your job.

Thank you, Gigi,
we'll call you.

Oh, watch it. You could poke
someone's eye out with those.

Well, look at the two of you, like
a couple of cats outside a fish store.

I would have thought you were
more sophisticated than that.

No, not really.

Oh, Miss Fine, it's nothing
to be ashamed of.

The human body is a beautiful
thing. Hm-hmm.

Well, I could have had that body, too,
had I cashed in my Israeli bond.

Well don't look at me.
I wanted to do "Twelve Angry Men".

Hmm... But they didn't
wanna do you.

Excuse me. I think I'll see what
needs dusting in the living room.

Miss Fine, did you want something?
I wanna talk to you about Maggie.

The answer is no.
But it's just a party.

Amazingly enough, that cogent
argument still hasn't convinced me.

Oh. Well, give me a second
and I'll think of something else.

No. Absolutely not.
I forbid it.

Well, can I think
it's a definite maybe?

I'll take care of my family,
you take care of yours.

Now go tell your Uncle Irving to hurry
it up, or you'll be finished before he is.

Do you want it fast or do you
want it good? I want it all.

You know, this grungy look
is very cute on you.

Go. Out.

Niles, bring me an aspirin.
Sorry, sir, I've got my hands full.

Huh?
Where's Irving?

Oh, the last time I saw him
he was bounding up the stairs.

If you leave now you can probably
catch him at the landing.

Pardon me. Excuse me.

Irving?

Irving? Irving,
are you in here? Oh...

Oh...

Oh my God!

How 'bout a little
privacy here?

Tiffany, I told you
not to touch anything!

But you also said
to play nice.

What were you kids thinking
making out in there?

A minute ago you were at each other's
throats, now you're just at each other?

What happened?
Well, she hit me, then I pushed her.

One thing let to another.
You know how it is.

The kid's cute so
I kissed him.

Go ahead, tell me you haven't had
the same thoughts about his old man.

Just mind your own B.I. business.
Fran, it was no big deal.

Maybe not to you, but you're
gonna get me fired.

Your father has this big thing
about his kids kissing.

I don't know why.
They're very good at it.

Hey, what can I say?

Hey! What are you doing?!

You guys need to be hosed down,
if only we had water.

You, go to your room.
Not you.

You wanna get somebody hot, go light
a fire under your grandfather's butt.

Oh, Mister Sheffield's
gonna k*ll me.

He's gonna find some way
to make it all my fault.

Just because the plumber
is my cousin

and he brought her and
I sent them up to play together.

Oh, the twisted pathways
of his mind.

What am I gonna do? He nearly had
a conniption when Maggie kissed
that boy Eddie,

and Brighton is three years younger.
Oh, I'm gonna be canned for sure.

Miss Fine, you spend so much
time up this creek,

I should think by now
you'd've brought a paddle.

Niles, if you're not part of the
solution, you're part of the problem.

Well perhaps Master Brighton
will keep his mouth shut.

If he could do that, I wouldn't
be in this mess in the first place.

Hey, guess what.
What? What?

Brighton kissed
Tiffany in the shower.

Thank you, Hedda Hoppa.
Anymore bright ideas.

Well, perhaps you have a cousin
who works for unemployment.

Miss Fine! Oh, I can explain.
You know, it's true.

I did send them up to play with
each other, but who knew
they'd take it literally?

What are you talking about?
You first.

There's still no water.
Oh, you're mad about the water.

Did you hear that, Niles?
He's mad about the water. Yes.

Miss Fine, this is hardly cause
for celebration. I'm about
to fire your cousin.

Oh, fire away. Listen, a man's
gotta do what a man's gotta do.

About the water.

You're taking this
awfully well.

She thought she was in trouble
about Brighton.

Oops.

What about Brighton?

Gotta go. Got a play date.
Bye. Me, too.

No, freeze!

Uh, Mister Sheffield,

as per your request to expedite
the plumbing situation,

I went upstairs to find
cousin Irving, and um,

well, I found Brighton
in the shower.

He had water?
He had Tiffany.

What?!

Now look, I know you have this
thing about your kids kissing,

but before you get all bent out of
shape... Brighton was kissing your cousin?

Oh, she's just a distant cousin.
Very distant.

In fact, she's more like a close
neighbor. Not even close. There was a fence.

And so Brighton's had his first kiss,
huh? And only eleven years old.

Well, you sound proud of that.
Well, he b*at his old man by two years.

But, wait a minute. When Maggie was over...
Now would be a good time to stop talking.

Oh. Yeah. You know,

you never think of
that as an option.

Irving...

What's the matter?
Your watch stopped?

No. The date changed.

Are you gonna be through with
this before the battery wears out?

This bathroom is ready to go.
Oh, thank God.

So we can take a shower?

If it's you and me you're
talking about, it's extra.

Fran, did you hear that Brighton
was kissing Tiffany in the shower?

What is this,
a slow news day?

This stinks! I'm not allowed
to go to a stupid party,

but daddy wants to throw Brighton
a parade? I know. It's so unfair.

Oh, is this yours?

No. It's Gracie's.

Fran, what are
we gonna do about it?

Honey, I told you, I'm working on him,
but you know, men can't be rushed.

They're like chickens. You
cook 'em too fast, they get tough.

Whereas if you take your time
with them, let 'em simmer,

then they fall apart
in your hands.

But the party's tonight.
Oh. Well, kiss it off.

Fran!

Honey, I've been skating on thin
ice with your father all day.

Please don't push
me through.

Aren't you the one who's always telling me
that men and women should be treated equally?

Well, that sounds like me.

Except that men should still
open the door and pick up the check.

Yeah. That's definitely me.

Okay, here, here, here.
I'll go poke the chicken.

Mister Sheffield?

Mister Sheffield? I told you kids...

Oh, Mister Sheffield!

Oh, you're wearing your new
soap on a rope that I gave you.

What? What is it?

I just... And he was... And I saw...

Miss Fine, you're hysterical.
Now don't make me slap you.

I just saw Mister Sheffield
naked. It was horrible.

Yes, I keep telling him
to get to the gym.

I'm serious. It's like
seeing your father naked.

My mother should
be so lucky.

Would you like a cigarette,
Miss Fine?

Oh, he can't even stand to be
seen without a tie.

Oh, this is gonna put him right
over the edge.

You know, when I first started in
service, I walked in on the Queen Mum.

In the shower?
On the throne.

He's not strong
enough to handle this.

I don't care how many
bulging muscles he's got.

Well, just promise
me one thing. What?

Let me tell
Miss Babcock.

There you go. Now do I get some
kind of guarantee with that?

Yeah, I guarantee I'll be back.

Gramps, let's get
a start on those stairs.

I wanna make
it home before Letterman.

You're leaving me?
Just like that?

Don't cling.
You're suffocating me.

We just met. And it was nice
while it lasted, but it's over.

Let's not drag this out.

Dad, I'm no expert on this,
but was I just dumped?

Yes, son.

Welcome to the battle
of the sexes.

Where they sneak up on you,
when you're most vulnerable,

utterly humiliate you, and leave
you trembling, exposed and naked.

Yeah, okay, but dumped or not,
did I get to first base?

Well, yes.
All right!

Mister Sheffield!

Uh, um, was, was there
a paper this morning?

Yes. You read it at breakfast.
Oh...

Mister Sheffield, I have to
see you a sec.

Oh, I think you've seen quite enough.
Mister Sheffield, it's important.

All right, all right, but please,
I beg of you just get to the point.

No more long stories about
your high school, family, pets.

Okay, okay, I'll just stick
to the bare facts.

I'm sorry. I mean, it's
no big thing. Oy...

This isn't going well.
Let me just cut to the chase.

Yeah, that's okay.

I'm sorry I walked in on you,
but you have nothing to be ashamed of.

Didn't you say the human body
is a beautiful thing?

Oh now, Miss Fine, you can't
go comparing me

looking at these girls for an audition,
with you walking in on me in the shower.

It's, it's entirely different.
Yeah, I'm not selling tickets.

Although plenty of women would
pay through the nose.

Miss Fine!
I'm just kidding.

I didn't see anything.
Except for the double standard.

My double what?
Your double standard.

You have one set of
rules for boys,

and then a whole repressed Rapunzel
thing happening for the girls.

Are we back on this blasted party?!

Look, all I'm saying is that you need
to trust Maggie as much as Brighton,

and knowing Brighton,
even more so.

I trust Maggie.
It's the boys I don't trust.

Well, Maggie has to learn to
handle fourteen year old boys,

so when she grows up, she can
know how to handle full grown men.

Who, when you think about it,
are a lot like fourteen year old boys.

You have a very good point.
How annoying.

Well, all right, she can go to the party,
but she has to be back by ten o'clock.

Ten o'clock...

is a good time to have a good
time, but not too good a time.

Fine. Thank you, thank you.
Now back to work.

Mister Sheffield, are you gonna
look me in the eye again?

Hmm? I am looking you in the eye.
Hm-hmm.

Look, Miss Fine, surely you can
understand this whole episode

has been a little
embarrassing for me.

Oh, don't be silly.
It all happened so fast.

I didn't see anything.
Good.

You have nothing to be
embarrassed about.

Believe me.