01x19 - The Gym Teacher

[bunniefuu]

Ah, that sales clerk was so rude.

Oh, I know. You ask to try
on twenty pairs of shoes,

and right away
they get an attitude.

Hi, Fran.

Oh, Maggie. What're you doin'
home so early? Are you sick?

Ah! I better not catch anything.
I got unemployment tomorrow.

Honey, I feel terrible.
Here I was out shopping,

and you were home sick with
no one to take care of you.

I beg your pardon. I'm perfectly
capable of taking care of Miss Margaret.

Oh ... actually, I'm not really sick.

It's only ... you know ...
my monthly friend.

She's all yours.

I don't get it.
What's goin' on here?

Val, what comes
at the end of a sentence?

A parole?

You might have noticed that Val is
not short for valedictorian.

Now, come on. What gives? You've had
your period four times this month.

So? So, women don't get
their period every week.

If they did, all the men in the world
would be institutionalized.

Which wouldn't necessarily
effect my social life.

Now, what gives? You're not havin'
problems with your boyfriend.

You're not failing any classes.
You're trying to get out of gym.

Oh ... I have gymnastics
this semester.

Ach! The worst!

Oh, the horse, the bars, the rope.
Oh, I hated the rope.

To this day, I can't even look
at an extension cord.

Thank God you know how I feel.
So you'll let me stay home?

No. Honey, every once in a while
you gotta pull up those gym shorts,

lace up those high-tops,
and face your fears.

Or you could do what Fran did
write phony notes.

Val, turn your head
sideways a sec.

Did you know you can see clear
through your ears?

This is a completely
different situation.

She doesn't have our gym teacher.
You know, after World w*r Two,

a lot of Nazis fled down
to South America.

She came to P.S. Nineteen.

No, Maggie, I am not writing
you a phony excuse.

Oh, c'mon, Fran. My gym teacher hates me.
She goes out of her way to make me look stupid.

There's a tough job.
Oh, shut up, Brighton.

Come on, Fran. Please.
Just till gymnastics is over.
You've gotta get me through till volleyball.

No, I'm a nanny now.
I took an oath.

Fran, she won't even let me
wear make-up in class.

Oh, she's gotta be stopped.

Well, all right, but only because I know
what it's like to be a pathetic klutz.

I knew you'd understand.

All right, let's use one of my favorite
excuses, and I hope one of yours.

A hammer toe.

A hammer toe?
Uh-huh.

What's that?
It's a cruel, crippling disease

caused by shoving your feet into high
heels that are too small.

And if you don't think that sounds painful,
just ask my Uncle Harvey.

You know, it won't work. It ...
it has to be something undetectable.
Something she can't see.

Then it should have something
to do with your chest.

Shut up, you little troll.

How 'bout severe depression brought on by
feelings of inadequacy and the fear of death?

Gracie, where do you come up
with these things?

Usually during hopscotch.

Miss Fein, I'd like next Friday off.
Could you write Mr. Sheffield a note for me?

I think I'd like an attractive disease.
Perhaps something that requires an eye patch.

Niles, would this happen to be your not-so-subtle
way of saying you disapprove of me?

Not at all. I delight in each
and every antic.

Just think of me as one of those people
who slows down on the highway

to view the wreck and then goes
on his merry way.

You know, Mags, now I could be
wrong here, but ...

I think Dad would be pretty upset
if he found out about this whole note thing.

How's he gonna find out?
I'm gonna tell him.

Unless you and
I can cut a deal.

Listen, you maggot, breathe
one word of this to Dad

and I'll pull your tongue out
through your zipper.

I do believe we have a deal.

Niles, please,
I'm trying to work!

As opposed to what I'm doing,
which is a hobby?

You wanted to see me, Mr. Sheffield?
Oh, yes, Miss Fein.

I got the strangest call today
from Maggie's school.

Oh, look, traffic's backing up.
I wonder what's ahead.

Do you know anything about her having
a ... a heart murmur?

Heart murmur, heart murmur ....

Murmur of the heart.

No, no, I ...
it doesn't ring a bell.

Well, it seems she's been feigning
illness to get out of gym class.

Oh, it's a massive pile-up.

You wouldn't happen to know anything
about that, would you, Miss Fein?

They're going to need the Jaws
of Life for this one.

Oh, Miss Babcock, Miss Babcock.
It's so nice to see you.

You know, we gotta spend more
time with each other.

Oh, that little rubber band in
your head finally snapped.

Maxwell, I have wonderful news.
I think I have solved our casting problem.

What about Alan Beck to play the lead?

Oh, Alan Beck. I love him.

No, I don't think so.
Why would I lie?

Maxwell, Alan Beck is a living legend.
He's won two Academy Awards.
He just won a Tony.

And next he's goin' to Disneyland!

Miss Fein, please.
Alan Beck is a demon.

When I first started in the theater, I ...
I worked as his gopher. He treated me like dirt.

Oh, he can't be that bad.

One time I forgot to put lemon in his tea.
He set me on fire.

Well, there are two sides
to every story.

What's the other side to that?
I was a twenty-year-old boy
set ablaze by a madman.

Well, you're not
a twenty-year-old boy anymore.

You're a big macha producer.

Yes, but I'm still flammable.

I think I'm at that point in my career
where I can choose who I work with.

Alan Beck's name on a marquis
can pre-sell a six-month run.

I choose him.

Well, Mr. Sheffield, this is
a very big decision you've made.

You know, it was just like
I was telling Maggie.

You've got to confront your fears.

Maggie, that's right. Now ... now what's
this about her cutting gym class?

Just when the roadway
had finally cleared...

some idiot swerved into
oncoming traffic.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield ... don't worry about
Maggie. I'll take care of her.

You just get yourself flame Ret*rded

and you, keep it movin', keep it movin',
there's nothin' to see here.

Oh, wow, does this bring back memories.
Bad memories.

Oh, the ring. Good ol' ring ....

I have no use for rings unless
someone's puttin' one on my finger.

This was my event.
What'd you do on that?

Ah, nevermind.

Fran, I'm dead.
What're we gonna say?

Well, then just tell her the truth.
That your pacemaker's workin' perfectly.

God, it's not gonna work. Coach Stone
is gonna t*rture me this whole semester.

Oh, honey, you're makin' a big deal over
what lasts a grand total of four minutes.

What are you talking about?
Gym class lasts forty-five minutes.

Listen and learn. First you
gotta get dressed.

Take your time.
You're not a fireman.

Now you volunteer to get the equipment,
which is very heavy.

So you pull something. It could be
a side ache, a charley-horse,

a hernia, depending on how much time
you need. Twelve minutes.

God, I was good.

What're we down to?
I have twenty minutes.

All right, just enough time
to look for your contact.

Fran, you don't wear contacts.
Exactly.

Do you know how long it takes to find
a contact that doesn't exist?

Sixteen minutes, which brings us down
to a grand total of four minutes. It's a cinch.

Anyone could get through
four minutes of gym,

even if you had my old teacher,
Miss Wickervich.

We used to call her
the Wickervich of the West.

... Ah ....

Hello, Fein.
Miss Wickervich!

Long time no see.
Your old gym teacher's my gym teacher?

Small world. Ah, nobody move.
I think I've lost my contacts.

Well, Fein, I see you've recovered
from the series of ailments that plagued
you as a teenager, huh?

Well, I still got some of the old shoulder
mishagas. You know, when it's damp ....

Meanwhile, you look fabulous.
Why'd you change your name?

I got married.
To a man?

So you're married and I'm not?
How could this be?

I'll tell you how. You're soft.

You were soft then ...
and you're soft now.

And you're raising soft children
with heart murmurs.

Is any of this gonna affect my grade?
Oh, you bet your soft, squishy little butt.

If you don't pass those midterms
next week, your grade is an "F."

But that's not fair.
Ah, life is not fair. Ask the old maid.

Don't worry, Maggie, you're gonna pass
that test 'cause I'm gonna coach you.

You!?

Ha ... ha ... ha ....

Oh, that's so rich.
You're like a French Poodle.

You're all poofy and perfect.
But let 'em down and what do you got?

A wet poodle?

I'm gonna make her suffer.

I'm gonna t*rture you so bad you are
going to beg me to k*ll you.

You know, marriage has mellowed her.

Where the hell is Alan Beck? First day of
rehearsals and we're already two hours behind.

Everybody out! There's a b*mb thr*at!
We're threatening to open with this plot ....

No expl*si*n.
It's worse than a b*mb. It's a dud.

Who are you?
Maxwell Sheffield.

You look familiar.
Yeah, well ...

we ... worked together
some time ago in London.

I was your assistant.

Good. Get me some coffee.
Actually, I'm the producer now.

With cream.

Who are you, blondie?

I'm C.C. Babcock.
I'm Mr. Sheffield's business associate.

Yeah, I got a slew of those myself.
But I got Thursday open.

I'll be in my dressing room, Sheffield.
Oh, Mr. Sheffield ....

Whoa. And who is this lovely creature?
Put Thursday on hold, blondie.

Oh, Alan Beck, I just love you!

Oh, then we have a lot in common.

You must be my leading lady.
Oh, no. I'm Fran Fein, the nanny.

Some nanny. You know, there's
a little boy inside me.

Wanna raise him?

Well, what's the problem?
I think he's very charming.

Well, thank you for your professional
opinion, Miss Fein.

So how did your meeting with
Maggie's gym teacher go?

Oh, great. I talked her into
giving Maggie a make-up test.

I'll need a credit card.
Oh, yeah

Wait a minute, do you intend to bribe her?
No. But only 'cause I didn't think of it first.

So ...????
New exercise outfit.

My grandpa always said,
"You must look your best."

He insisted on being buried
in a tuxedo.

Unfortunately, it was a rental,
which could be the reason for
my family's horrible credit rating.

Sheffield!
Oh, God, what now? More coffee?

I've been re-thinking
act two. It's a downer.

You got my character
in a wheelchair.

What woman in the audience
is gonna believe

that Alan Beck is paralyzed
from the waist down?

Alan, you're playing Franklin
Delano Roosevelt.

The man was a paraplegic.

Find a cure.

You call that
a backhand spring layout?

Shape up!

I've seen better
routines in gymboree.

You old Mary Lou Rotten ....

Well, look who's here.
Olga Naudia.

Have a good practice, girls?

I have to get home to dinner.
A romantic dinner

... with my husband.

You know what that's like,
don't you, Fran?

Oh, that's right. You don't.

Oh, forget her. We'll show her.

Are you ready?
I'm ready.

Are you really ready?
I'm really ready.

I can't hear you, Sheffield!
I'm really ready!!!!

All right, then, let's go!!!

Ow!

Tea time.

Are we feeling any better?

Do I look like I'm feeling
any better?

A woman with an electrical
appliance around her neck

and her feet in water should
remember who her friends are.

Ow! Ah! Oy!

Listen to me. I sound like
a kevetchy Kathy doll.

God, I hate dealing with actors!
They ruin the theater.

May I get you something, sir?
Scotch and soda? Gin and tonic? Martini?

Yes.

I wonder if Flo Zeigfeld
had all these problems.

I think his problems started
when they named him Flo.

Oh, good, I haven't missed happy hour.

Oh ....

That Alan Beck'll be
the death of me yet.

He insists on playing FDR as
a swash-buckling paraplegic

who leaps out of his wheelchair at will,
screaming, "It's a miracle."

Well, if you want him to stay in his chair,
I know someone that could break his legs.

Ow! And she wears sneakers
so he'll never hear her coming.

I take it all is not well
in the olympic village.

Who would have thought that we'd
both be facing demons from our past.

I can't believe I'd hire
a paramaniacal sociopath.

Yeah, well, that was pretty stupid.

Mine was just a coincidence.

Ah, come on, Miss Fein. Why don't
you just stand up to her?

You're not in high school anymore.
You're a big macha nanny ....

Oh, no, let me.
Thank you.

Well, why don't you take
some of your own advice?

I mean, if the guy's
making you miserable,

why don't you just stand up to him?

Because he'll quit ...

and he's brilliant.

Nah, the worst that'll happen
is he'll set you on fire again.

How many times can he do
that before it gets old?

Thank you, Miss Fein.

Ah!!!!

Oh!

... Ahh ....

Ahhh!!!

Can't you just say hello
like a normal person?

I've been looking forward to
this for quite some time.

What's with you? What, do you
like to see young girls suffer?

Oh, yeah. Especially if they cry.

Okay, Sheffield, I set up
five stations for you.

Each of them is worth twenty
points. Start with the ropes.

♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪

Honey, go out there hold your head up
high, don't forget to breathe,

and above all, watch for your nails.

She stinks.

Well, it's better to have tried and
stunk than never to have stunk at all.

Look, she has been working her butt off.
I think that she deserves something for it.

I'm gonna give her something. An "F."

I love my job ....

What kind of a teacher
are you anyway?

Teachers are supposed to educate,
not intimidate!

What's the matter, cat got your tongue?

You're choking? Why didn't you
tell me you were choking?

This is the international
sign for choking.

Well, now I know.
All right, okay, focus.

Oh, Mrs. Stone, are you okay?

Oh, you saved my life.

You saved my life!?

Well, I might not have passed gym,
but lucky for you,

I passed the Heimlich poster every
Sunday at Fun Lums Chinese Restaurant.

So how'd I do? Oh, you did great,
honey. You got an "A." Right?

Right.

Really? 'Cause I felt like
I was really on.

... forty-eight. No matinees.

My understudy's good enough for
the blue-haired ladies.

Forty-nine? I want a personal
trainer. Young, dumb, stacked.

And fifty .. I want ...
I want this.

Ah, Alan, before you go ...

I have a couple of
demands of my own.

Oh, really?

Yeah ....

From now on, I'll give
the orders around here,

and you will conduct yourself
in a professional manner.

Or?
Or ...

or you're fired.

You're bluffing.

Try me.

C'mon, Sheffield.
You know as well as I know ...

that no one can play this role
as well as Alan Beck.

I am F.D.R.

December seventh ...
nineteen forty-one.

A date that will live in infamy.

The only thing we have to fear ...

is fear itself.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield,
Anthony Hopkins called again

and he wants to know whether
he should bring his own wheelchair.

That guy is such a pest.
Oh, man.

Whatever Tony wants is just fine.
Ah.

You know, Sheffield,
I've been thinking ... maybe

some of my demands
might be negotiable.

Some of your demands?

All right, all of 'em ...

but I'm keeping this.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.
Miss Babcock has your checks.

You were great. Thank you.

Very believble.

Anthony Hopkins, Miss Fein?

Nice touch.

My accent was pretty good,
huh, Mr. Sheffield?

Maybe I should play Eleanor Roosevelt.
I know all her lines.

"Ah, look at all the lonely people."

That was Eleanor Rigby.
Oh.

Don't quit your day job.
Oh ... I won't.

Look at that class of eighty-two.

Hm, hm, hm, what
a bunch of losers.

Look at your hair, Fein.

Oh, that was
the Farah Fawcett look.

Wait a minute. Is that Danny
Imperiali with his arm around you?

Yeah. He was my boyfriend.

Oh ....

"A boy like that would
k*ll your brother."

No. He's not that bad.
Sometimes I still wonder.

"Forget that boy and find another."

Ooh. "One of your own kind ...
stick to your own kind."