02x02 - The Playwright

[bunniefuu]

Niles, and Brighton.
This is Maggie's.

Oh, who, ha, Mister Sheffield!

Guess again.

Well that's way more than
I needed to know about him.

Oh, hi, kids. How are you
doing on your science project?

Ask Brooke. She's the genius.
I'm just the dumb blonde.

Oh... Me and Val used to do science
projects together. What's yours about?

Stress in the earth's igneous layers
and its effects on geological topography.

Oh. We grew potatoes on toothpicks.

Did you know that if you squeeze coal
really hard, it turns into a diamond?

Oh, not true.

One summer me and Val went through
a whole bag of Kingsford
Briquettes trying for earrings.

No luck, huh? No way. But to this day
I got a handshake like Lou Ferrigna.

Oh, Brighton, do you have a date
for the seventh grade dance?

Yeah, I got a couple of irons
in the fire, put out a few feelers.

Yeah. Neither do I.

I'll probably just go all by myself and
stand alone on the side with all the other wallflowers.

Oh good, so you're covered.

Yeah.

Excuse me. I have to take
my allergy pills.

Oh, what are you allergic to, honey?
Everything but pollen.

Ow! Fran, I am not asking
her to the dance.

All right.

You're not gonna say anything?

It's not my place.

God will punish you.

Fran, look at her with those braids.
She looks like Alfalfa.

And with those allergies,
she's always so nasal.

Hey, a lot of men find
that very alluring.

Yeah, right. If I don't ask her
to the dance, she might get upset

and there goes an a*t*matic
`A' in science.

Well, as long as his heart's
in the right place.

Oh, I remember my first dance.
I went with Richie Schneider.

He had two left feet.
Oh, a bit of a klutz, eh?

No, he had two left feet.

Some freak thing. His mother
was an X-ray technician.

I'm confused. Could he dance or not?

Actually, he was an excellent dancer.

Except when they did the hokey poky,
and they said put your left foot in...

The poor boy went down
like a ton of bricks.

So, Sheffield, who are
you gonna take to the dance?

Oh, just an old friend.

Oh, hi, honey.
I'm sorry I'm late, sweetie.

I didn't have a pass, and that
hall monitor's a real little n*zi.

Whoa, Sheffield, way to go.

No. She's the nanny.
But you know, she wants me.

What?

Wants me to go to the orthodontist.
Hm-hmm. Come on.

Hi, Brighton.
Oh, no...

It's the Brooke worm.

I'm glad you're still here.

I fell in the A.D. room and had
to get a bandaid for my glasses.

Plus my inhaler clogged.

Honey, honey, men like
a little mystery.

Don't share.
Right...

Okay, Fran, let's go.
Brighton, wait.

My father wants to know
if he should drive us on Friday.

What are you talking about?

You asked me to the dance.

Look, I don't know what's in that inhaler,
but I wouldn't operate heavy machinery.

Brighton!
Oh, forget it.

Oh, Brooke...
Brighton, that was very mean!

Now look what you've done.
You made her wheeze.

Brighton,
I am so disappointed in you.

Fran, you've been yelling at me
since Sixtyeighth Street.
Are you gonna keep it up the whole way?

No. As soon as we pass Bergdorf's
I'm gonna start slapping you!

Fran, it was no big deal.

Don't you know what happens to young girls
when you t*rture them in high school?

Oh, we're going to the video store
and I'm renting you Carrie.

There's a very big likeness.
Yeah, yeah.

But, you know, it's too late
to do anything about it now.

No, it's never too late to right
a wrong that you've done to another human being.

Yeah. Unless, of course, that human being
has been shattered into a million miserable pieces!

Oh, right.

Uh, I work alone here.

Your behavior could scar
that little girl for the rest of her life.

And you should know. Hypocrite!

Let me guess, you don't survive
on tips, do you, Mister...

Ahzee mah boo ala plea.

I share the cab.

Oh. Jeffrey Needleman.
Jeffrey Needleman?

Yeah, let me give you a hint, okay?

Picture me cramped in a locker with
a wedgie and a "kick me" sign on my forehead.

"Kick me" signs go on your back.
Yeah. They wanted me to see it coming.

This guy's the most
pathetic loser on earth.

Oh...Jeffrey Needleman.

Oh, Jeffrey, what have you been
doing since high school?

Shock therapy. Oh, oh... Nice to see
things are picking up for you.

So, in other words, you guys went to
high school together and you tortured him.

I'm not the only one that
tortured him. The whole school did.

It was a requirement. It got you
out of talking a foreign language class.

Oh, Fran, I am so disappointed in you.

All right, okay. That's enough.

You're right. It's not my place.
God will punish you.

You know, I remember you saying that
you'd go out with me that Sunday.

I said some day.

Some day. And that was only because
you were standing out on a ledge.

Is it some day yet?

Oh, I don't know, Jeffrey.
I'm so busy.

I, I really don't know
when I'll find the time.

Hey, you're free Saturday.
It's your day off.

Yes, that's true. But I might have to go
visit that poor little boy in the hospital

after that unfortunate high heel
to the butt accident!

Come on, Fran, you're gonna be late
for your date. The meter's running!

I don't feel a hundred percent.

Do I sound like I'm coming
down with a cold? Constantly.

No, I mean it.
See if I have a temperature.

Oh, not the old thermometer
in the light bulb trick.

Brighton, please.
A hundred and twelve, Miss Fine.

Damn halogen lamps.

Fran, I'm very proud of you
for going through with this.

It's never too late
to right a wrong.

Why aren't you under a blanket with a flashlight
reading National Geographic like a normal kid?

Oh, Maxwell, please?
I'm begging you.

It'll only take a couple of minutes.
You don't even have to like it.

There's a speech she knows by heart.

C.C., you know my policy. I never read
plays written by friends, or relatives.

Or that Broadway bon vivant,
your psychiatrist.

But I told him you would read it.

And I don't want to risk offending him.
We're on the verge of a breakthrough.

Oh, good. Maybe he'll find
a personality we like.

Well, I'm terribly sorry, C.C., but I
simply don't do business favors for friends.

Well, I have to agree
with Mister Sheffield on that one.

I have an Uncle Aaron...
Oh...

...he manufactured hernia trusses and
he gave one to his friend, Murray.

Well, P.S., he put it
on backwards, Murray,

and cut off his circulation.
Double amputation.

And I'm not talking
about his legs.

Miss Fine, isn't
this your day off?

Um, yeah, but I decided that I owe you
for that Jewish holiday that I made up.

You mean, there is no Matzo Day?

Uh-uh. Well, we forgive you.
Just go on your date.

Oh, yes, by all means. Go have fun.
Uh, no, no, no, I have to...

Here, I have to take Gracie
to her ballet class.

Oh, no I'm taking her.
Oh.

Yeah, she's got a crush on my teacher,
big time. Oh, that's nice.

Oh, he is so cute.
And talented.

You should see his impersonation
of Liza Minnelli.

I'm gonna have to have
a talk with her.

Good afternoon.
I'm here to meet a man.

Might I suggest Happy Hour
at the Black Angus?

Oh, never mind.
That's him.

Oh, Franny, oh, look at you.
You look scrump-de-a-licious.

Oh... He's a w*r hero.

Here you are, my good man.
Your best table.

Save it. You may want
to do laundry later.

What? Oh, no, no.
I brought one for you, too.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

That's very sweet, but I don't think
I'd be comfortable sitting on wooden balls...

at least not on the first date.

I'm telling you. You drive a cab,
everybody thinks you're invisible.

You know how many men pick their nose? Huh?
Oh, I don't know. No, I have no idea.

Huh? No, take a guess.
Go ahead, give it a sh*t. Give it a sh*t.

One out of five.

Jeffrey, you're such a raconteur.

Oh, I got a million stories.
You shouldn't waste them all on me.

You should write some of this stuff down.
Actually, I have.

Oh I wrote a play.

Oh, isn't that a coincidence?

I happen to work for
a Broadway...bus driver.

A bus driver who can afford
a nanny? Oh, unions.

Oh, oh, I almost forgot. Here.

Oh... I brought this for you.

...Jeffrey, you didn't have to get
me a...blue frost eye shadow kit?

That's your blue frost
eye shadow kit.

You remember? Mrs. Barnett
confiscated it from you in homeroom.

I swiped it from her desk.

And you saved it all these years.

Oh... Isn't that sweet, Jeffrey.

And yet oddly disturbing.

You know what would make me
the happiest man on earth?

What?

Look, I, I know you didn't wanna
do it with me in high school,

but I, I, I was hoping that
you had changed your mind.

I, I doubt it.

Oh, what the hell? Why don't
we do it right here on the floor?

Oh, check, please!
Come on, Fran. Do the Hustle.

What?
Come on, please. Dance with me.

Oh, Jeffrey, I don't think
I remember the Hustle anymore...

Oh, Jeffrey, I think
I pulled a Hustle muscle.

That was fantastic. Thank you.
I, I have a great partner over at Arthur Murray.

She's eightytwo, but boy,
can she turn the b*at around.

You know, Jeffrey, this isn't
such a bad date afterall.

Good. Marry me.

You're kidding, aren't you?
Please.

Oh, Jeffrey, it's incredibly
flattering and

well I hope you don't take
this the wrong way...

Jeffrey, Jeffrey, don't jump!
Did he pay the check?

Jeffrey, don't jump.
You have too much to live for.

Yeah? Yeah? Name one thing.

Give me a minute.

Goodbye.
No, Jeffrey, wait! Ahh...

He jumped?
No. I leaned on pigeon poop.

I mean it.
I'm gonna jump.

Jeffrey, please, I'll do whatever you say.
Sleep with me.

What's your second choice?
Another date.

And what else you got?
Okay, fine, that's it.

No, Jeffrey, wait, wait.

Maybe you should take off your heels.

Are you crazy? That would screw up
my balance completely...

Oh, oh my God. Jeffrey,
look how high up we are.

Oh, Jeffrey, I'm a scared.
Hold my hand. Hold my hand.

I'm gonna jump. Let go of my hand!
Let go of my hand!

Oh, Jeffrey, look at all those people
down there staring up at us.

You wearing underwear?

Of course I am...

Jeffrey, please, let's go inside.

No. No, if I can't have you,
I have no reason to live.

Sure you do. You got friends.
None.

Family. Estranged.

A dog.
Bit me.

I know. Your writing.

Oh, yeah. That, that's a dead end.
Nobody's gonna read my play.

In this town, you have to know somebody.

I know somebody. I work for Maxwell
Sheffield, the big Broadway producer.

I thought you worked for a bus driver?

Bus driver and Broadway producer.

Well, he wasn't gonna
give up that pension.

I don't mean to be negative here,
but I don't think this spud
is gonna get us an `A'.

I don't need an `A'. I always get an `A'.

I wanna see what a `D' feels like.

Oh, you're mad about the dance.
And they say I'm the genius.

Brooke, we've been friends for
a long time now. Why do things have to change?

I'm a woman now. I have needs.

Yeah, well I have needs, too.
I need an `A' in Science.

Oh, hello, Brooke.
Men!

Women!
What was that all about?

Why do girls have to take
everything so personally?

Oh well, women are just different from us,
son. They're, they're more emotional.

I mean, when I get a bad review,
I don't run crying to Niles and say `I need a hug.'

Well, there was that one time
in New Haven.

That review was scathing.

Thanks, guys. Big help.

Oh, Fran, I feel really
guilty about Brooke.

Oh, honey, take her,
don't take her.

Do whatever you wanna do.

Okay. I'll just
grow up by myself.

Wait, Fran.

You like my make-up?
Uh-huh.

Gracie's ballet teacher did it for me.
Oh...

Ballet teacher and make-up artist.

Honey, we're definitely gonna have
to have a talk. Just not now, okay?

I'm in a terrible hurry.

And it was a not a hug,
it was a pat on the back.

I just had a particularly horrid review
and was looking for a little understanding.

You wept openly, sir, and it was
very uncomfortable for me.

It was nineteen-seventytwo. We were
all getting in touch with our feelings.

Mister Sheffield, Mister Sheffield,
we got a crisis on our hands.

Don't crumble, sir.

Aren't you supposed to be on a date?
Well, technically, I still am.

Oh. How's it going? Oh, I've
had better. I've had worse.

It's kind of up in the air.

Why didn't you take
my emergency call?!

Because the last time you had the operator
break through it was to tape The Bold And Beautiful.

Well, Storm was about
to marry Stephanie.

So what's the problem?
She's his mother.

Miss Fine, I believe you mentioned
something about a crisis.

Oh, yeah, my date is about
to k*ll himself!

Oh, you didn't tell him
the hernia story, did you?

Or Aunt Frieda's
lyposuction mishap?

Uncle Jack's dependence on vino?

No. I'm serious.

You have to read his play.
It's a matter of life and death.

Maxwell, if she gets to show you
her's, I get to show you mine.

Oh, that ain't worth it.
Let him jump. Let who jump?

My date. He is standing out on a ledge.
He is about to k*ll himself.

My God, this is terrible.

I'll say. Well, not a total loss.
The Clams Casino are to die for.

Could you please just...
Not now, Brighton.

But I really...
Later, Brighton.

But it's really important!
I need to talk to someone now!

Aunt C.C.'s still here.
It can wait.

Then she says I'm sorry...

Wait. I'm not through yet.

Miss Fine, there
is some urgency here.

...get in, in the... Okay.

Come on, is he through yet?
I'm freezing out here.

Well, you know what you could do.
You could come in!

You're right. Oh, oh no, nice try.

Here. I'm through with the soup.

You want a sweet? Uh, no, no.
I gotta watch my weight.

What's the matter? You're afraid
you're gonna make a bigger hole?

All right, what d' you got?

Uh... Oh, they got a tarter
tan, a linzer tart.

Oh, this looks good. You know,
they got, got any chocolate cake?

No.

I don't hear laughing.

You're kidding? Kidding? Which part?
Which part? The funny part.

He hates it. Oh, what are
you listening to him for?

He passed on Cats.

It was singing pussycat people,

in a giant garbage can. I mean,
what would you have done?

Two words, Mister Sheffield:
Still running.

But what, Jeffrey, what do you always
care what everybody else thinks?

Why? You don't think I should?

It's a brilliant play.

Oh, come on, Mister Sheffield.
You don't have to lay it on so thick.

No. No, no, no. I, I mean.
I'm going to auction it.

Did you hear that, Jeffrey?
He's gonna buy your play!

All right...!
No...!

I'm all right.
I'm all right.

God, he landed right in that
huge mountain of garbage.

Oh boy, is he lucky we live in New York.

Oh, B, you look so handsome.
Smile.

Oh, you and Brooke are gonna be
the cutest couple at the dance.

Yeah, but the guys are gonna shred me.

Oh, honey, you just remember
that you're more mature than they are.

You just walk in there
and hold your head up high.

Look `em square
in the eye and say,

"So's your mother."

So, Brighton, your first
date alone with a girl.

Is there anything
we need to talk about?

Dad, please,
I'm going out with Brooke.

So you don't have
any questions?

Yeah. Why am I going out with Brooke?

How do I look? Great.
There you go. Thank you.

Wow.

Hi, Brighton.
Wow.

Are you ready to go, Brighton?
Just one second.

Dad, can we have that talk?

Go on, son. You'll be just fine.

See? You did the right thing
and God smiled on you.

God, Maybelline,
and half-a-box of Kleenex.

Thanks, Fran.

Fran, how do I look?
Ravishing as always.

Good. `Cause I'm going to pick up
Gracie from ballet class.

Oh, her teacher is so gorgeous.

I don't know who's cuter.
Him or his roommate, Chuck.

Chuck, huh? Honey, it's time
we had that little talk...

Huh?...

Get ready...