01x11 - iCan Fix it Myself

[bunniefuu]

Harper, I need you
to take this seriously.

Do you have any fours?

Freddie, just go fish.

She's waiting to hear about the job

[WHISPERS]: with Double Dutch.

Don't say her name! You'll jinx me.

- Who's Double Dutch?
- What did I just say?

The aforementioned is
an emerging pop star

with a million Instagram followers.

She's got the blue check.

Oh, so she's not real world famous,

she's just online famous.

- Hey!
- Hey!

Before you're a household name,

- you're a handheld name.
- Yeah.

And handheld names can have long
and fulfilling careers...

dressing up as tacos on
their wildly popular Web shows.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, that reminds me,
we're doing that sketch later.

I got to go pick up my Taco Tina
costume from the cleaners.

Uh, do you need to borrow my car?

No. I have my own car, thank you.

- Or you could take mine.
- [HARPER]: I don't have a car,

but I can call you
an ethical rideshare company,

as soon as there is one.

Look, my car is fine.

So what if it goes
[IMITATES CAR STRAINING]

when I'm going uphill?

If I have to walk uphill,
I make that noise, too.

It doesn't mean that
there's anything wrong.

[BEEPING]

♪ ♪

[NEEDLE SCRATCHES RECORD]

Hi, I'm Wes.

Uh, I hope you didn't wait too long.

I, I would hate for you to get soggy.

[CHUCKLES]: Oh, this?

It's just for a silly Internet thing.

I'm Taco Tina.

I'm a taco, but I have all the
same problems as any other girl.

Including car troubles?

Uh, 'cause according to Quadruple A,

you've called a tow truck nine
times in the last six months.

What? No, I'm sure it's not that many.

Uh, really? 'Cause you get
the tenth tow for free.

Oh, yeah, you know, i-it has been nine.

This guy here is Vin Diesel,

'cause he has a VIN number
and he takes diesel.

He takes unleaded.

You haven't been putting diesel
in this car, have you?

No.

Definitely not.

He probably just needs a new battery.

No, your battery's fine.

But your drum brakes are sh*t,
you have a failed generator,

and there's a cr*ck in the engine block.

Oh, is that all?

[CHUCKLES]: Oh, you wish.

You have a fried distributor,

and that air filter is
an environmental hazard.

No, that's fine.
I wiped it off last year.

Trust me. I've been doing this
since I was six,

and I've been fixing Hot Wheels
since I was two.

Okay, but you don't know
how tough Vin Diesel is.

I've had him forever,
and he's always pulled through.

Be honest, you're just
trying to upsell me.

If you want me to be honest,

you might want to think about
getting rid of this old clunker.

The repairs are gonna cost more
than Mr. Diesel's even worth.

Worth? Worth?!

Can you put a price on
the perfect drive-through Coke,

drunk beneath the stars
on a crisp autumn evening?

Yes.

And so can most fast food restaurants.

Uh, should we just go back
to your place?

[CHUCKLES]: My place?

That's presumptuous.

Your place, as in the place
I'm towing your car.

I presume.

♪ I know you see ♪

♪ Somehow the world will change for me ♪

[TOGETHER] ♪ And be so wonderful ♪

♪ So wake up the members of my nation ♪

[TOGETHER] ♪ It's your time to be ♪

♪ There's no chance
unless you take one ♪

♪ And the time to see
the brighter side ♪

♪ Of every situation ♪

♪ Some things are meant to be ♪

♪ So give me your best
and leave the rest to me. ♪

$ , to fix a car?

You could get one-third
of a Birkin bag for that.

Purses cost that much?

Great, now you got me
thinking about purses,

which is reminding me
of the styling job with Dutch,

which I'm trying not to think about.

You brought up the purse!

Oh! So now we're blaming the victim?

Thank you, Fredward.

I wish there was a way to know
if my car really needed

all that work
or if that mechanic was just

trying to take advantage of me.

You could take a auto repair class.

I saw a flyer for one
at the community college.

I was there for my investing class.

[CHUCKLES]: Investing! Great!

Now I'm thinking about this.
Wow, Millicent.

You know, I love this idea.

I can take a car repair class,
fix Vin Diesel,

and then talk about it on iCarly.

I can't be the only woman who's
sick of condescending mechanics.

Hey, it's not just women.

When I got my oil changed,
it cost an extra $

to fix my "shock exacerbater".

What's a shock exacerbater?

It is a made-up thing that cost $ .

Well, they're gonna be naming
made-up auto parts after me

once I ace this class
like Hermione freaking Granger.

Hermione Freaking Granger was the title

of Dutch's first album!

Come on, Carly!

- [CHUCKLES]
- [SNIFFS] Ah, vino.

The serum of truth.

But we already know every single thing

there is to know about
each other. [CHUCKLES]

I faked it!

What? Last night?

All of it. The whole time.

Since I've known you?

Since before that.

Guess that makes me feel
a little bit better.

I just couldn't keep lying
to you a moment longer.

Oh, please don't be upset.

I'm more disappointed in myself.

Is there anything
I could've done better?

More wiggling? I-I'm here to listen.

Spencer, I faked my own kidnapping.

[CHUCKLING]: Oh, thank God.

It's not me, it's you!

Okay. Why'd you do that?

When our family lost all of our money,

I was being hounded by the paparazzi,

bill collectors, the media...

mostly bill collectors.

So I hopped on a cruise and sailed away.

Suddenly it's all like,
"kidnapping this"

and "debt forgiveness" that, so...

Wow.

Now we're even closer than before! Yay!

You're not mad?

As long as you were never
a rodeo clown, we're fine.

[LAUGHS]

Well, that's great.

Do you think Harper will understand?

No. [LAUGHS] No.

She's gonna k*ll you
and bury you at sea.

I'll lay fresh kelp at your grave.

Wow, look at all these women.

And you. And that guy.

A camaraderie of sisterhood,
joining hands to say,

"We can fix it ourselves".

I'm gonna start taking notes now.

You know where class starts, Millicent?

In here.

That's your clavicle.

I just can't wait to learn

everything there is to know about cars.

I truly am a renaissance person.

But most importantly,

I'm gonna get Vin Diesel
in tip-top shape.

MTV Movie Award winner
for Best t*nk Top Vin Diesel?

He's in perfect shape.

Oh, my car's name is Vin Diesel.

Yesterday, this guy tried to
charge me $ , for repairs.

Ugh, the worst.

But you're gonna love
the instructor of this class.

He is so patient and smart,

and when he shows you
how to do a tune-up,

it's almost... tender.

As long as he's honest.

I just can't take another
skeezy scammer,

like that guy I met yesterday.

Skeezy scammer? Sounds like a jerk.

Yeah, he sure w... Aah! You.

Hi. Welcome to class, everyone.

Ooh, twinsies.

This is your shop?

Yes. Uh, it was my grandfather's

and then my father's and now mine.

Cars run in the family.

So you earned none of this.

Oh, Regina.

Hey, it-it's great to see you again.

If you take this class any more times,

you're gonna be the one teaching it.

Can I take a picture of you?

Okay, class, let's go ahead
and get started.

You know, this class is a sham.

You're giving people false hope.

'Cause then, when they realize
they can't fix their own cars,

they're gonna crawl back to you
and then you can swindle them.

It's just like one of those restaurants

that gives you free chips
and then charges a ton for guac.

Is that one of Taco Tina's troubles?

That's not what's happening here, okay?

I-I just like to empower people

so that they don't need
someone like me to come in

and "vansplain".

[LAUGHS]

Vansplain!

No matter how many times I hear
that, it just gets funnier.

Lady, be cool.

First thing I want to teach you all is

how to monitor your vehicle's fluids.

So who wants to come up
and help me check the oil?

Please, God, I never ask for anything.

How about you, Carly?

[OTHERS GROAN]

Fine.

I was just trying to give
someone else a chance,

since I already know how to do all this,

but I suppose I can demonstrate
for the good of my peers.

Great.

Then reach on down in
and grab the dipstick.

- Seriously?
- I didn't name it.

Not it.

I know. I was just testing you.

Good job. You passed.

Here, let me just help.

Look, I can do it myself.

[SCREAMS]

[CHUCKLES]

Okay, class.

Who can tell me what Carly did wrong?

If this doesn't put Harper
in the right mood

to hear bad news,
I don't know what will.

I snagged the limited edition
Normani Off Balance sneakers

she's been coveting.

You wear them on your hands.

And I got this $ , bottle
of champagne.

I bought it at an estate sale
of someone who went bankrupt

buying $ , bottles of champagne.

And I framed this photo of
our least favorite cousin Roxy.

No matter what I do, I'll always
look better in comparison.

- Go to hell, Roxy.
- [DOOR LOCK CLICKS]

[GASPS] She's here.

Hold up. Flowers? Bubbly?

[GASPS] Limited edition
Normani Off Balance sneakers!

You wear them on your hands.

You two did all this for me?

We did, because we love you,
and we need to tell you...

How happy you are that I got the
styling job with Double Dutch?

[GIGGLES] Wait.
How did you two already hear?

[BOTH]: You got the job?

You got the job!

- [SQUEALING]
- [CHEERING]

Oh! There's even a picture of Roxy,

to remind me that I'm
doing better than her.

My L-F-C-U-M-E-B-M.

L-F-C-U-M-E-B-M?

Least favorite cousin
unless Maeve ever betrays me.

Back from the dumb auto mechanic class

that I'm never going back to.

Flowers? Bubbly?

Normani Off Balance sneakers
that you wear on your hands?

- You got the job! Oh, my God!
- [SQUEALING] Yes! Come here!

Oh, yay!

[ALL CHEERING]

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, okay. Okay.

Now that we're all in such a good mood,

Maeve has something she'd like to say.

Harper, I just want you to know...

... I am so happy for you!

- [CHEERING]
- [LAUGHING]

Oh, you know what we need?

A champagne shower.

No, no, no! That bottle
cost more than my...

Oh, I actually have a strategy meeting

with Double Dutch in the studio,
so I can't celebrate right now.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's smart.

Who do we think we are,
the Chicago Bulls?

- [CHUCKLING]
- So, no champy shou shou?

Oh, no, go ahead,
just don't get any on me.

Oh, yeah, do Spencer.

- [MOUTHS]
- Yas!

[WHOOPING, LAUGHING]

New plan.

We never tell Harper
I faked my kidnapping.

I don't want to be the new Roxy.

Fantastic. We go on
happily living our lives.

You and I in romantic bliss,

and Harper working her dream job
with Double Dutch.

♪ Did somebody say my name? ♪

♪ I'm gonna hop, skip, jump right over ♪

♪ You guys have a lot of yogurt. ♪

- Are you... ?
- Double Dutch?

The singer/producer/cult icon,

once described by Pitchfork as

"the most innovative star to be born

in the year ".

No shade to Bieber,
but where is the lie?

Yes. C'est moi.

In the flesh.

I'm here for my strategy
meeting with Harper.

I guess, uh, on-the-rise
pop stars don't knock.

We don't.

But tell me about this fake kidnapping.

And use a three-act structure,

a proper hero's journey, if you will.

Uh, or, or...

how about none of us speak
a word about the kidnapping?

Oh, I won't speak a word.

Okay.

But I do love to sing.

[GIGGLES]

♪ Harper's cousin faked
her own kidnapping ♪

♪ Harper's cousin faked
her own kidnapping. ♪

Okay, plan A,

I somehow keep Double Dutch
from spilling the beans.

Oh, well, then what's plan B?

We go to Honduras

under the names
Terrence and Felicity Tacoma.

We settle in the small town
of La Esperanza.

We grow peaches

and teach basket-weaving
to the children.

I like peaches,
but let's start with plan A.

I don't trust that Wes,
and I don't need that class.

I already have the greatest
teacher in the world:

the Internet.

If I can install my own ceiling fan,

I can tune up my car.

Great idea, Carly.

I'm sure a -second TikTok
can fix this death trap.

Millicent might have a point.

Freddie, just hand me that,
uh, twisty thingy.

- Okay. This is no big deal.
- All right.

- [TORQUING, THUMP]
- [CARLY SHOUTS]

- No! Ah. No.
- Whoa. Hey! I got you!

- [WHIMPERS]
- Come on.

- Son of a... !
- [HORN HONKS]

You know what? That's okay.

I've almost got it.

Freddie, go check the spark plugs.

- All right.
- Millicent, start him up!

[ENGINE STRUGGLES]

- [ELECTRICAL CRACKLING]
- Oh! [YELLS]

[HORN HONKS]

Millicent, stop that!

Then you two stop cussing.

Ooh!

Okay. I've got it.

Wow. Should I start my own auto shop?

[CLATTERING]

No, no, no, no!

Vin Diesel, are you okay?

Carly, you need to call a real mechanic.

- Never in a million...
- [RUMBLING]

- Hand me my phone.
- Okay. Hold this.

Vin Diesel is dying,
and I need you to save him.

I don't care how much it costs.

I'll buy every shock exacerbater
in this town if I have to.

Carly, I told you when we first met,

you shouldn't be driving this car, okay?

It-it isn't safe.

Why don't you just get a new one?

Because I...

I just can't, okay?

I can't give up on this car.

I'm sorry I ever doubted you.

- And called me names.
- Yes. Right.

And should've listened to me
from the start.

Oh. True, I know,
that's why I called you.

I am sorry for all those things.

But I am begging you, Wes, please,

will you save Vin Diesel?

Okay. I will try.

I'm gonna need you to do more than try.

[CHUCKLES]: Actually,
trying's fine. You do you.

Thank you, Wes. [CHUCKLES]

But do it.

The birds represent capitalism.

And the white woman represents...

well, nothing.

- She's just having a bad day.
- Mm-mm.

No birds.

If I can't fly, no one
should be allowed to.

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

Who's ready for teatime?

Spencer, what are you doing?

Oh, I just thought
you and Dutch might enjoy

a formal tea service.

And you were right. Give me
one of them hot hand towels.

- Ooh.
- Oh, anything for you, Harper,

and your boss, whose voice is

like a classically-trained instrument

that she should rest,

which is why I brought the tea.

Ooh. No, thank you.

I don't like beverages that
start with the letter "T".

I'm looking at you, tonic water.

Okay. Thank you, Spencer. Bye.

[GRUNTS]: No!

This look represents
the struggle between...

[LOUD BANGING]

... me and Spencer, apparently.

What is happening and why?

Oh. I just need to do
a few repairs in here.

Is that disruptive?

Yeah, why don't you
just stop the presentation

and then email the slides to Dutch.

Who else loves this idea?

I don't.

I would like the hammering to stop

and for the presentation
to continue but better.

Get out. Now.

[CHUCKLES]: All right. Okay.

Oh, no! Oh! [GROANS]

I guess I should stay and clean this up.

- Oh.
- How's it going in here?

I spilled the tea.

Oh, Spencer. [STAMMERS]

Harper, I am so sorry
that I faked my kidnapping,

but at least now you know.

You what?

Oh. You meant...

If you'd let me sing it,

at least you would've gotten
a hit out of it.

It's only been three hours

of waiting on Wes to fix Vin Diesel.

How did you handle waiting
four years for Maeve?

By doing everything I could
to find that betrayer.

You know what, yeah, that's a good idea.

Keep busy. Give me some more ideas.

Okay. I took out ads in the newspaper,

I made the hashtag
"Save Maeve" go viral,

I even recorded a charity single
that went to number

on the iTunes chart
for songs about missing cousins.

I don't want to do any of that.

[KNOCKING]

Okay.

Give it to me straight.

Did he make it?

I did everything I could, but I'm sorry.

Vin Diesel's gone.

- [GASPS] Oh, no.
- Oh.

- Oh, my God.
- Carly, stay with me.

Just because he's gone
doesn't mean you are, too.

[GASPING]

I just can't believe it.

I mean, he was only .

We never even got to take

that cross-country road trip together

that we always talked about.

Uh, hey, I might be overstepping here,

but could this be about more
than just a car?

It's okay, you can tell me.
Mechanic-client privilege.

My best friend Sam and I saved up

and bought Vin Diesel together
when I was in college.

She's actually the one who named him.

We went everywhere in that car.

Road trips to Snoqualmie Falls,

the exotic jerky emporium
over the border in Idaho,

out to the forest to search for bigfoot.

- Did you ever find him?
- Uh, it's a long story.

[WHISPERS]: But yes.

A couple years ago, Sam moved away,

and I just really miss her.

But whenever I'm inside Vin Diesel, I...

Okay, I'm just gonna say
"my car" from now on.

Driving my car, it just helps
me feel connected to Sam.

I know it sounds silly.

No, it's not.

What's silly is having a connection

and not appreciating it.

What's silly is lying
to someone for years

and then telling the truth
to your brand-new boyfriend

before your best friend/cousin!

What's silly...

... is faking your own kidnapping.

Like, who does that? Maeve, that's who.

Maeve.

So, there's, like, a whole
other thing going on here.

Mind your business.

Anyway, thanks
for trying to save my car.

Uh, here. Let me see.

- How much do I owe you?
- No. Nothing.

Put it toward your new car.

I don't know.

I wasn't really driving
a whole lot lately anyway.

That... [IMITATES CAR STRAINING]

... gets a little tired.

Uh, well, maybe you don't need a car.

For example, if you had a date
on Saturday night,

I bet he would be totally happy
to come pick you up.

A hypothetical date?

Well, where is he
hypothetically taking me?

Anywhere you hypothetically want to go.

I believe it was Sir Edmond
Dellingsworth who said,

- "What is a circle?"
- Boo!

Lose the sheet already.

All right, all right.

I just wanted to say something
with some gravitas.

Behold my latest piece!

Wow.

[GASPS]

Is this Vin Diesel?

Yep!

I took Carly's old car, repainted him,

and turned it into a new
Seat of Sitting for the studio.

Try saying that five times fast.

[OTHERS]: New Seat of Sitting
for the studio.

New Seat of Sitting for the studio.

New Seat of Sitting for the studio.

New Seat of Sitting for the studio.

New Seat of Sitting for the studio.

Yeah, not that hard, dude.

Oh, my God. Spencer, this is amazing.

Aw.

My car and I had so many good memories,

and now we get to make more.

Our secret gum wad's still there.

- Ew.
- Ew.

Sam used this once
to keep our seat belts together.

And another time I used it

to keep my toes apart after a pedicure.

You know, um, Carly
getting a second chance

with her car is making me
a little jealous.

Oh, 'cause all our cars got repossessed

when we lost our money.

Well, thanks for ruining
this special moment.

I'm sad now.

No, because she gets
to make more memories.

And I want that for us.

Harper, I am so sorry I didn't tell you.

I just didn't know how.

If it means anything,
"Save Maeve" was my ringtone.

It was a tastefully mournful bop.

[BOTH]: ♪ Be brave for Maeve ♪

♪ She's lost, not gone forever ♪

♪ I'll search across the waves ♪

♪ Hope she's not in a grave ♪

♪ Save Maeve. ♪

[GIGGLE]