01x01 - Second Contact

[bunniefuu]

MAN: Captain's log, stardate . .

The Cerritos is docked
at Douglas Station

for routine maintenance and resupply.

We will soon set course
for the capital planet

on the Galar system,
where we're scheduled

to make second contact with
the Galardonian high council.

First contact is a delicate,

high-stakes operation of diplomacy.

One must be ready for anything
when humanity is interacting

with an alien race for the first time.

But we don't do that.

Our specialty is second contact.

Still pretty important.

We get all the paperwork signed,

make sure we're spelling the
name of the planet right,

get to know all the good places to eat.

[GASPS, LAUGHS]

Oh, my God. What are you doing?

- Uh, nothing, nothing, nothing. I'm just...
- Oh, no.

- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
- [GRUNTING]

- [SHRIEKS]
- Are you pretending to do a captain's log?

- [WHIMPERS] We're all supposed to keep logs.
- [LAUGHS]

- Okay, let me listen to it.
- No. Go away.

- Leave me alone. No. No.
- Ah! I can't believe

you're wasting your shore leave on this.

- Privacy, please.
- Aah! Hey, time to go.

- Come on. Get out of your little closet.
- Privacy.

- [GRUNTS]
- Let's go. Come on.

[GASPS] Are you drunk?

Yeah, dude, you should be, too.

I mean, this station is amazing.

And they have Romulan whiskey.

And I bet you thought
it was going to be green,

but it is actually blue. It's
this very beautiful color.

Romulan whiskey is against regulation.

Yeah, 'cause it's awesome.

Aw, man, they got
all sorts of great stuff.

Oh! Oh! Come on, check this out.

- [GRUNTS] Oh, yeah.
- Ah! Be careful with that!

Pretty sweet, right?

Yeah, it's a Klingon bat,
um, bat, uh, bat...

I don't know. I'm not a scientist.
It doesn't matter. Shut up.

- I got it from an old guy with an eye patch.
- Hey, hey.

Come spar with me. Come on!
Oh, we can be Klingons.

We can have crimped hair,
wrinkled foreheads.

- Worf, Worf, Worf.
- It's got crusty blood on it!

- [DEEP VOICE] I love honor! I demand honor!
- Hey, stop. Stop!

[BOTH SCREAM]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[GASPS]

Wow.

Wow.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Here we go.

Ensign D'Vana Tendi, reporting for duty.

I'm a transfer from Outpost .

Deck Four. Follow the yellow line.

Take the turbolift all the way down.

Thank you so much.

And can I just say that
I'm really honored to be...

Keep it moving, lower decks.

Next!

REPLICATOR: Banana, hot.

Banana, hot.

Aah! Frickin' b*rned me.

Uh, i-is there an Ensign Boimler here?

REPLICATOR: Banana, hot.

[GRUNTING]

Hi. Here, that's me. Ahoy.

Ensign Tendi reporting for duty.

You're my orientation liaison.

Yes, welcome. Brad Boimler,
Ensign, command division.

[GASPS] Ah! Oh, my gosh.

I've never worked with
commanders before.

I'm in sciences.

I love science. Uh, it's so sciency.

I mean, that blue goes
green with your great...

- I mean, great, with your... oh, my gosh.
- Yo-yo, what up?

Beckett Mariner, also an
ensign, command division,

but not quite as impressed with myself

as this little rascal over here.

Yeah, we're not actual
commanders, by the way,

- we're more like commanders-in-training.
- [SQUEALS]

I can't believe we're
gonna serve side by side,

scientists and commanders,
an elite team.

Yeah, no, we're not really elite.

We're more like the cool,
scrappy underdogs of the ship.

You know, we don't wash our hands,

we're doing kickflips all the time.

But with focus and dedication,

you could be chief
medical officer someday.

Oh, senior officers are overrated.

They're always, like, stressed out

and just yelling about directives.

It is better down here,
where the real action is.

You really don't care
about moving up in rank?

Been there, definitely over it.

Whenever you think for yourself,
they knock you back down.

You know, for someone
who claims to hate rank,

you certainly bring it up a lot.

Yes, I'm very complicated, thank you.

- Ooh, you want the tour?
- O-Of the-the ship? Uh, yes!

You don't like giving the tour.

True, but I do... [CLEARS THROAT]

...have a big box of
shore leave contraband

I need help with.

BOIMLER: The senior
officers are all up here,

then you've got Engineering,
science stations.

All sorts of ops around here...

Ops, ops, ops, storage, ops.

Actually, there's like a ton of ops.

- It's like, guys, I think we have ops covered.
- [GROANING]

- And we're here?
- Well, no.

We're actually way down here.

MARINER: What this map doesn't show you

is that everything from,
like, this deck up,

super lame, not important to us.

- You like the bar.
- All right, fine.

- Everything except the bar.
- And the bridge.

- The bridge is not cool.
- Yes, it is.

Oh, hey, that's Rutherford.

Rutherford, what's up?

[EXHALES, SPEAKS GIBBERISH]

Yo, yo, yo, slow down.
Is your thingy acting up?

Rutherford's an engineer, oh,
and, as of a couple weeks ago,

cybernetically enhanced.

Ooh, I've never met a recent cyborg.

Hey, nice to meet you.
Welcome to the crew.

Wait, don't you have a date
with Ensign Barnes tonight?

- Sure do.
- She's crazy hot. Are you nervous?

Trying to be, but this thing
keeps tamping it down.

Yikes. Okay, you got it.

Uh-oh, I'm nervous. What
if I say something stupid?

What if she doesn't like
the way that I look?

Ah, I can only look one way.
I can't change it by tonight!

- Better?
- Yeah, thanks. [GASPS]

What if she hates my jokes?
I don't know any jokes.

Oh, I'm gonna puke.

What else?

That's a room of switches and dials

you'll never need to go into.

It's actually a pretty
important processing hub.

Nobody knows what that room is.

It's a pattern-buffer
maintenance access.

She knows that. She's being funny.

Ah, and this is Boimler's hidey closet,

where he pretends to be
a captain like a big boy.

This is not a good tour!

So, yeah, we kind of sleep in a hallway.

It's a little disappointing,

but eventually, when you rank
up, you get your own room.

We're pretty close to the
showers, which is nice.

Does get kind of musty, though.

Which is weird 'cause
the showers are sonic.

Whoa. Whoa.

It's... perfect.

Well, once you get settled,
you should probably check in

with Nurse Westlake in Medical.

You'll be assisting him
with some basic...

Ooh, let's go check out the holodeck.

- She doesn't have time for that.
- How do you know?

Because I'm her liaison.

Oh, yeah, then what time is it?

And don't check, because
if she doesn't have time,

then you should know what time it is.

Otherwise, you're just
trying to sound important.

So, what time is it?

Welcome to the holodeck.

Easily the best part of the ship.

The warp core is the
best part of the ship,

uh, followed by the bridge,

the photon torpedo tubes,
cetacean ops...

Dude, the warp core is just
a big glowing tube.

I love the warp core.
The warp core rules.

No, it doesn't.

Computer, find us a beach in Hawaii.

- [SEAGULLS SQUAWKING]
- [TENDI GASPS]

What is this?

This stuff is crazy. What does it do?

Oh, it just gets everywhere
and gives you a rash.

You get a rash from sand?

- What, you don't?
- No. Nobody does.

Oh, God, I always do.

Go ahead, take her for a spin.

Computer, can you put us in
the Adashake Center on Orion?

Wow, I never made time
to go before I enlisted.

Pretty cool, right? You can go
almost anywhere you can imagine.

- Come on, Boimler. Give it a whirl.
- I-I don't know.

Come on, there has to be
somewhere you'd love to be.

Um... [GASPS] Computer,
show us the warp core.

Wow! Amazing.

What an impressive feat of engineering.

[SIGHS] You really bum me out sometimes.

STEVENS [OVER COMM]: Ensign
Boimler, report to the bridge.

[GASPS] You work on the bridge?

Yeah. That's right.

Because they appreciate
people who follow the rules.

Who's boring now?

On my way.

Wow, does he get to go up there a lot?

Nah, just whenever someone
spills a drink or something.

Computer, load Mariner program

"all-nude Olympic training facility".

You might want to back up a bit.

[MEN GRUNTING]

Wow, this is a very detailed program.

Farewell, Commander.

Thanks again for your
hospitality, Chancellor.

We'll be sending construction
teams down to help with the...

to help with the subspace comm array

as soon as we load up the supplies.

Ransom to Cerritos. Five to beam up.

Should you get that looked at, sir?

Eh, I'll be fine.

- Want to grab a drink tonight?
- [LAUGHS] You know it.

Nothing like a cold beer after
a smooth second contact.

Now, that's what I'm talking about.

[CHUCKLING] Oh, yeah.

TURBOLIFT: Bridge.

♪ ♪

[HEART b*ating, FOOTSTEPS ECHOING]

[MUFFLED] Ensign.

Sorry, what?

I said why aren't you
at your post, Ensign?

Ransom, report.

Coordination with the
Galardonian high council

is ahead of schedule, Captain.

Excellent. Keep me posted.

Ensign, you're with me.

Brad Boimler.

Born Modesto, California,
commissioned in ' .

Not a single demerit.
You keep a personal log?

- Sometimes five a day.
- That's excessive.

Do you see a captain's
chair in your future?

- I hope so, ma'am.
- Well, I see a lot of potential

in you, son, which is why I'm
giving you a special assignment.

Really? I mean, of course,
yes, whatever you need.

Keep an eye on Ensign Mariner.

If she breaks protocol,
I want a full report.

Sorry, ma'am, is something wrong?

I like my crew working in lockstep.

There isn't any wiggle
room on the Cerritos.

Not when lives are at
stake. Do you disagree?

- No, ma'am.
- Good. Dismissed.

Ensign, let's keep this
between us, shall we?

RUTHERFORD [LAUGHS]: What? Oh, man,

I would k*ll to work
on the deflector dish.

Most of my day is spent
repairing food replicators.

- They really break that often?
- Only when you get food in 'em.

Ah, at least you don't have to be around

Lieutenant Commander Billups.

Knowing how to talk to women

is kind of that guy's final frontier.

[BOTH LAUGH]

- That is illogical!
- Oh! S-Sorry.

I-Is he a friend of yours?

No, no, no, no... it's
this Vulcan implant.

It keeps on randomly suppressing
my emotional reactions.

Sorry if this is making it weird.

I'm just not used to being a cyborg yet.

Actually, my dad was a cyborg.

Shaxs drop his latte again?

- [CHUCKLES] Guy's got baby hands.
- No.

"Computer, send me a
suck-up to clean up my mess.

I have a giant torso
and little hands. Over".

- [CHUCKLES] Right?
- Yeah, hilarious.

BILLUPS: All right, people,
you know the plan.

Let's get this array set up
so the, uh, "Galardonians"

can communicate with the
rest of the Federation.

Oh, man, this is really nice.

I'm glad we got to sit down
and get to know each other

without any interruptions.

[LAUGHS, GRUNTS]

[SCREAMING]

[BOTH LAUGH]

[BYSTANDERS SCREAMING]

CREWMAN: Set phasers to stun!

[SCREAMING]

So, where are you quartered?

Deck Nine, by the squash courts.

Someone brought a virus
back from the planet.

This is happening all over the ship.

I've never played squash. Is it fun?

We should play sometime.

[ALARM BLARING]

Oh, yeah, it's all gonna
be over subspace.

You're gonna love it.

Unbelievable.

[CREATURES SNARLING]

Hey, you. Green girl!

Strap patients down as they come in.

Double them up if you have to.
They aren't going to infect

- each other twice.
- But, uh, uh,

I was actually supposed to
be assisting Nurse Westlake.

That is Nurse Westlake.

[SNARLING]

Wow, it's such an honor
to meet you, sir.

I'm looking forward to working with you.

- Aha!
- [SHOUTS]

Boimler! Ugh, don't jump out at people.

For real, man. You're
lucky I didn't phaser you.

You're selling Federation
weapons to these guys,

- aren't you?
- Yo, calm down.

No!

I'm sick of you pushing me around!

Explain yourself right here!

Boims, you need to
shut up. Listen to me.

You know nothing. Shut your mouth.

Uh, we're just gonna take off.

- [SHOUTS]
- Nobody move!

Selling Starfleet technology
without the express consent

of the Federation Council
is a breach of regulations

and of...

And regulations , , .

You're breaking just for
pointing that phaser at me.

Fine, you know more regulations than me.

I still have to stop you.

It's farm equipment, you idiot.

- They're farmers.
- I'm not an idiot.

You expect me to believe that...?

Shovel and hoe?

[SNARLS]

[ROARING]

Run, idiot!

[WHISPERS] What's it doing?

It's sh**ting butt-webbing at a tree.

I-It looks pretty pissed.

Well, I hope you're happy.

You left your post.

Oh, I am so sorry I made sure
that some humble farmers,

who can't afford to wait
for Starfleet bureaucracy

to notice them, got some help
so they didn't have to starve.

How did you even know these guys exist?

Because I was here for first
contact last year on the Quito,

before I got my ass demoted
and transferred to the Cerritos.

Well, I didn't know that.

I have served on five ships,
man. I have seen stuff.

One time, I got trapped in
a sentient cave for weeks.

You ever been trapped
in a sentient cave?

That's a dark place that knows things.

I almost got my head taken
off by a singing crystal.

I've been in a Klingon prison
where I had to fight a yeti

for my own shoes for no reason.

He was just being a d*ck.

You've been on, what, four planets?

Five, if you include Vulcan.

Of course I don't include stupid Vulcan.

You may as well count Earth.

I was counting Earth.

[SIGHS] You don't know anything
except what's in your manuals.

Since you can't think for
yourself, how about you

follow my lead, and maybe
we'll get out of this alive?

Ensign Boimler to Cerritos.
Two for emergency trans...

[SHOUTS]

Are you insane?

We can't just beam out of here.
These guys need that animal.

- Even if it eats us?
- General Order .

Fine, okay. How about we stun it?

- We'll just stun it.
- No. That could spoil the milk.

- Spoil what milk?
- These guys probably milk it.

- Oh, like you even know.
- [GASPS] Ooh.

- Take off your pants.
- [GASPS] Mariner.

[CREATURE SNARLING, THUDDING]

- [YELPS]
- Five ships.

Yeti shoes. I am always right.

Take them off now.

[BELLOWS]

MARINER: Yes, it's working.

Man, look at that thing
just tear into that dummy.

Okay, here we go, get ready to jump.

Wait, why isn't it
attacking your uniform?

It's going to town on mine.

- Random chance? Who cares? On my mark.
- I care.

I say we wait for it to
destroy both of our uniforms.

Mark! [GRUNTS]

Jump, Boimler!

Come on, it's safe. It
can't reach back this far.

Man. [GRUNTS]

Oh!

Phaser it! Phaser it! Phaser it!

Please don't phaser
her. It'll spoil the milk.

Did you hear that?

- Uh, I can't let it eat him.
- She's an herbivore.

She's just gumming on him
to suckle out some moisture.

Oh, okay. Hey, Brad. Good news, buddy.

So, I've ju... it's just suckling
you, I've just learned.

- You're fine.
- Help!

Hang in there, you got
this. It is getting tired.

So go to your happy place, like, ooh,

think about the warp core.

[SCREAMING]

You, uh, want a snack or something?

Yeah, you got any of that milk?

SHAXS: All uninfected crew
meet at Transporter Room Eight.

We have to get to the rally point.

I guess we better go for a walk.

RUTHERFORD: There's a maintenance
hatch on the other side of the saucer

that should give us access to
Deck Eight. [CLEARS THROAT]

What kind of music are you into?

We have just enough oxygen to get there,

but we're cutting it close.

I really like this classical
band called "The Monkees".

Ever heard of 'em?

Let's just say "I'm a Believer".

[CHUCKLES]

[GROWLING]

[PANTING, LAUGHING]

Mmm. Wow. I wasn't expecting that.

What did you expect?

Well, for these maintenance hatch doors

to recognize our combadges.

Oh, no, I mean what just happened?

I'm more worried about
what didn't just happen.

Failure analysis
estimates the reliability

of this mechanism at one
out of . repeating.

- [GROANS]
- Oh, are you seeing this?

[GRUNTING]

- [PAINED CRIES]
- The anesthetic is useless.

We have to work through
the pain. Your hands clean?

- Uh...
- Pump this. Don't pass out.

Nobody's authorized to pass out!

That's my heart! It
hurts when you pump it!

- Oh, God! Oh...
- Sorry.

- Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
- Oh, God. Oh!

[GROANING, SLURPING]

Okay, there we go, man, yeah.

See? I told you it'd be okay.

My bones. [SOBS]

You'll be fine. Doc'll
wave a light over it.

We got to get back to camp.

You took way too long with that thing.

- But I'm naked.
- [SIGHS]

At least we got to help those guys.

I think we make a pretty
good team, Boimler.

You may as well know,
I've been monitoring you.

I'm supposed to report
any breach of conduct

to the captain.

We've been serving together for a year,

and I still don't get why
you worship those guys.

- They're heroes.
- All they care about is glory.

Stuff that could earn them a
mention in the history books.

They don't really care about us.

No way, no. The captain
tries her hardest

to support all of us, she just
doesn't always have time to...

Look, I don't have to defend her.

You're not gonna talk
me out of reporting you.

- Whoa! What the hell?
- [ALARM SOUNDING]

Keep the doors secure.
The crew depends on us.

- We can't let them down.
- [SNIFFS]

[BEEPING]

Captain, I'm sure you're wondering

- where my uniform is.
- Shaxs, what are my options?

I recommend we detonate the
entire warp core, Captain.

- What? No.
- [DEVICE BEEPING]

We need to get this man
to sickbay immediately.

He is very important.

What makes him so special?

Nothing. He's worthless.

It's the slime, Captain.

He's covered in slime
that could save us all.

Everyone, protect this slime.

[CREATURES GROWLING]

♪ ♪

[GRUNTS, GROANS]

T'ANA: Holy [BLEEP].

This substance completely
neutralizes the rage effect.

It came from this spider cow thing.

I-I could tell you all about it.

But can you synthesize a cure, Doctor?

Hmm. I better. You don't have much time.

Ooh, should've washed
those hands, Captain.

Stow it, Mariner.

[GRUNTING]

Ah, ah, ah...

Oh, what happened? Where am I?

[WHIMPERS] And did I eat flesh?

- Uh, hardly any.
- How much did I eat?!

[GROWLING]

[SIGHS]

[SIGHING]

- It's working!
- Looks like you'll get to publish

more award-winning research, Doc.

- Great, more paperwork.
- [LAUGHTER]

RANSOM: How much did I eat?

Uh, this guy saved your
asses. Ensign Brad Boimler.

Put that in the paperwork.

Still, uh, happy to be here?

Are you kidding? I got to hold a heart!

♪ ♪

FREEMAN: Once again, solely
thanks to the brilliant efforts

of Dr. T'Ana,

the crew is saved.

Undetected by the first contact team,

the alien virus is exactly
the type of eventuality

that can make a second contact mission

a life-or-death situation.

Luckily, my senior staff are
always up for a challenge.

End recording.

Sorry about that, Ensign Bumford.

What do you have to report?

- Boimler.
- Pardon?

It's Boimler, not Bumford.

[GROANS] Wha-What about
Mariner? Did she follow protocol?

Yeah, I think so. We spent the whole day

just adjusting the subspace comm array.

This says you came back
covered in bite marks,

wearing an alien frock.

What, she had nothing to do with that?

You know, I don't remember much.

Maybe that goo that saved the ship

messed with my memory.

Nothing insubordinate?

- Not that I saw.
- Unbelievable.

Thank you, Ensign Boimler.

Dismissed.

- [DOOR WHOOSHES OPEN]
- [BEEPING]

Everything all right, Captain Freeman?

I heard you had some sort of rage virus?

Ransom tried to eat a guy. We're fine.

Listen, I've had enough.

I'm throwing her in the brig.

We already tried that.
You know it doesn't work.

- She loves the brig.
- She undermines me

- in front of the crew!
- I'm sure nobody notices.

- Yeah, they do.
- Sweetheart, just...

Don't you "sweetheart"
me. We agreed, if she

didn't fit in here, you'd
send her back to the Quito.

Well, she doesn't fit in!

I got to go. Admiral stuff. Love you.

Don't you hang up on me!
She's your daughter, too!

- Hanging up now.
- Don't you dare.

- Finger's on the button.
- Don't you... don't you...

- Uh, I-I'm losing you.
- I said don't...

Oh, no. Did the rage
virus ruin your date?

Nah, that stuff happens all the time.

Oh, good. So, was she as
great as everyone says?

Yeah. She was smart and pretty

and, ooh, highly effective
in a ship-wide crisis.

So, tell me, are you guys a thing?

- Yeah, I'm not seeing her again.
- Well, you survived

an epic life-threatening
situation together.

- Don't you share a bond?
- Oh, for sure.

But she had zero interest in
figuring out why a red alert

overrode Maintenance Hatch
's access protocols.

It's, like, can you even imagine?

I-I'm sorry. What?

- It did?!
- Yes. I mean, who has time for romance

when there's a level two diagnostic

just sitting there waiting to be run?

Mm-mm. Don't have to tell me twice.

I am right there.

- Mariner.
- [SIGHS] Boimler.

[CLEARS THROAT] I wanted to thank you.

It felt good helping those people.

I mean, you might be...

Mm, better than you in every single way?

Unorthodox, but... I can't
believe I'm saying it...

Starfleet is better with you in it.

Wait, so you didn't tattle on me?

I did not.

Boimler! Wha...? No way, man!

I had you pegged wrong.

Yeah, I thought you were,
like, a boring worker drone.

And you are, but inside that drone is

an ambitious little weasel,
and inside that weasel

might be a tiny human being.

That's, uh, sort of unfair. [GRUNTS]

This is a moment, man.
Ooh, this is a mood.

Okay? And I do not
care how long it takes,

we're going to get your
butt in a captain's chair.

- This isn't a big deal.
- Mm, guess what.

I'm your new mentor. Boom.

Surprise, bitch, it's done.

- How does it feel?
- No, you can't just decide.

- Whoa. She's your mentor?
- No, she's not.

Come on, guys! Lower decks!

- Lower decks! Lower decks!
- Congrats, man.

- TENDI: That's cool.
- MARINER: Teamwork! Spirit!

Community! Lower decks! Lower decks!

Lower decks! You're gonna be my cha'DIch

- from now on, baby!
- I don't want lessons from you.

Okay, Klingons? They're
all about fighting.

They're always making
oaths about everything.

Everyone knows that.

Do you know about Spock?

Dude came back... from being dead!

Yeah, I think I've heard of Spock.

He got frickin' Genesis-deviced
and fought Khan

- and some space whales!
- Can we just go back

- to not being friends?
- How about Sulu?

Ooh, he rocked a sword.
That was his thing.

That could be your thing, too!
We're due for a new sword guy!

BOIMLER: What can I do
to make this stop, please?

- MARINER: Mm, do you know Kirk?
- Yes.

- My man Worf?
- Yes!

- MARINER: Gary Mitchell?
- I'm sure I could look him up.

MARINER: You don't have to,
because you have a mentor!

- BOIMLER: No. Don't touch me.
- Do you know Deanna Troi?

Her body be bangin'!
She went from a jumpsuit...

[MAN IMITATES WEAPONS f*ring]:
Pew pew pew pew pew.

Chirp.