01x06 - Terminal Provocations

[bunniefuu]

[HISSING]

What are you doing?

Sometimes I hum warp engine sounds

just to, you know, soothe myself.

Well, that is not what
the engine sounds like.

Duh. That was Enterprise-D at warp .

This is Cerritos.

[WHOOSHING IN DIFFERENT PITCH]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it.

It's like... [MAKING WHOOSHING SOUNDS]

Fletcher, no. The Cerritos has
inverted plasma distributors,

so it's a little bit
higher pitch, like...

[HIGHER-PITCHED WHOOSHING]

Wrong. The shhz doesn't come
from the distributors.

It's the vibrations in the
dilithium dispersement manifold.

It's like this. Fzzzzz...

No, guys, guys, it's like this. Shhh...

Dude, I'm telling you, it's Fzzz...

And Voyager was all... jzzz...

[GASPS] Are we doing the engine sounds?

Hchhhh...

[CHANT-LIKE RESONANCE]

Security to Deck .

Something is very wrong down here.

- On the ground, now!
- Ah!

- We're just humming the...
- I said freeze!

[CRIES OUT]

Oh, it is a little higher.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

SHAXS: Security log, stardate . .

Our standoff with Drookmani
scavengers continues.

Their claim of salvage on
Starfleet cargo is ludicrous.

Thus far, my recommendation of
full as*ault has been ignored

in favor of a more...

diplomatic approach.

As I've already said, Captain,

while we appreciate your
discovery of this cargo,

we can only offer you a finder's reward.

This trash is ours. We claim salvage.

It has "Starfleet" stamped
on it. That's our trash.

It's been abandoned

for more than years!

That means it's clear for salvage.

We're taking it!

BARNES: Captain, they're
attempting to load that cargo

- with their tractor beam.
- Oh, no, they didn't.

Engage our tractor beam.

Those crates are brimming with
unique Starfleet technology.

We can't let them have it.

If we fire on them, it's an act of w*r.

- I advise we fire on them.
- Shaxs!

Shields up. Yellow alert.

Our goal is that this
doesn't turn violent.

But if it does, our crew
is ready and focused.

ALL [CHANTING]: Fletcher!
Fletcher! Fletcher...

That's like three
cantaloupes worth of purée.

- He could b*at the record!
- He's doing it!

Come on, Fletcher, sloupe that 'loupe!

- Whoo-hoo! Ooh...
- Aah! [BLEEP]

Do you know how hard it is
to get cheese out of fur

in a sonic shower?!

Oh, no, I am so, so
sorry. I didn't mean to.

Don't try to butter my bread, Ensign.

I've heard about you.

- But I didn't... What?
- You're a disgrace.

You want to goof around?
Go work on Starbase .

- [ALL GASP]
- MALE: Damn. Starbase ?

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't
realize cats ate nachos.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

All right, all right,
all right. Here, Doc.

- Here's a warm towel.
- Give me that!

And some freshly replicated nachos.

Try the carnitas. It's delicioso.

At least someone around
here appreciates rank.

- Mm...
- Don't listen to her.

- She's just a cat in a coat.
- [EXHALES SHARPLY]

Thanks for defusing that, Fletch.

I was about to go nuts.

Fletcher's like a natural
peace negotiator.

He was always getting us out
of trouble back in the Academy.

Ha. Remember when those Nausicaans

tried to eat your heart?

Yeah, until you convinced
them just to spit in my face.

I was lucky you were there.

Uh, Mariner, you were
lucky he was here, too.

You know, it's not very Starfleet

to take a swing at the bridge crew.

[SCOFFS] Whatever.
I'm Starfleet as hell.

And if somebody brings up Starbase ,

they better be ready to throw down.

Hey, Mariner, don't let the
senior officers get in your head.

You wouldn't be here
if you weren't great.

'Cause there's a baseline of goodness

to everyone in Starfleet.

Even Boimler.

[LAUGHTER]

So, um, what do you
think's in that cargo

that has everyone so wound up?

A bunch of cryo-frozen princesses

or maybe some fruit?

Ooh, I hope it's old communicators.

You know, the original clamshell design.

Ah! Do you think we're
going to find out?

Once they figure things
out with those aliens,

they'll probably us space walk
to get everything cataloged.

Uh, space walk? Really?

W-Why can't we just use
the cargo transporter?

- That stuff's too massive.
- Ah...

Wait, what's wrong? I thought
you loved archival cataloging.

You talk about it all the time.

I have a horrible secret.

I never finished my space-walk
unit at the Academy.

What? How did you graduate?

I don't know. He just gave me a "B",

and I didn't say anything.

It must have been a clerical error.

I'm a monster. Why
didn't I just confess?!

Spacewalking is easy.

You just float and magnet.
Float and magnet.

But what if I forget to magnet?!

I'll spin out into the void of space

and burn up in the
atmosphere of a gas giant.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Calm down.

That's not gonna happen.

Listen, I've been working on this
new holodeck training program.

I think it can help you.

- You want to try it out?
- Oh, my gosh, yes.

Thank you. Thank you
so much, Rutherford. Ah!

The holodeck. Gah, why didn't
I think of that sooner?

Yeah, you know, it's not just
for hanging with Sherlock Holmes

and Robin Hood and Sigmund
Freud and Cyrano de Bergerac

and Einstein and da Vinci
and Stephen Hawking

and Socrates...

Oh, five isolinear cores down and,

ugh, just a ton more to go.

You know, when you call
something a "core",

it implies there's going
to be one big one,

not a million little ones.

Ugh, we're not gonna make
it to the Chu Chu dance.

I traded Kowalski
shifts so I could go.

Chu Chu dance?

That sounds awesome.
Is it really that good?

Oh, yeah. I saw the
Zebulon Sisters do it

back on Deep Space , and I am just now

coming down from the high.

- Chu Chu!
- Chu Chu.

Oh, great. Everybody's going except us.

Guys.

I can handle this on my own.

Go get your Chu Chu on.

Oh, no, no, no, we would
not make you do that.

You would do the same
for me. I've got this.

Lower Deckers stick together.

Fletcher, that is super cool, man.

Hell yeah. Thanks, Fletcher.

Mariner, let's go get
our Chu Chu shirts.

We have Chu Chu shirts?

Yeah, I made us Chu Chu shirts, come on.

BOTH: Chu Chu!

[CHUCKLES] Ah, back to work.

RUTHERFORD: All right, don't you worry.

My program will have you spacewalking

with the best of 'em.

Computer, load Rutherford
Training Beta . .

Aah!

Hi. Can I teach you a lesson?

Aw. Well, who's this little guy?

This is Badgey.

He's a virtual tutor who
can walk you through

any Starfleet exercise you can imagine.

Aw, look at his little arms.

Yeah, I made him cute.

Hi, Badgey, I'm Tendi.

Hi. Can I teach you a lesson?

Yes, um, can you show me how to perform

an untethered cargo
retrieval in open space?

[TRILLING]

Sometimes it takes a second.
[NERVOUS CHUCKLE]

You got it.

Wow, you coded this yourself?

Yeah, it's just a hobby.

But the gravitational waves were tricky.

Ah! Oh, uh, uh...

So this is spacewalking?

[CHUCKLES] I like it.

Just don't get your magnet
boots too close to...

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Oh, we're stuck together.

I think we're stuck together.

Oh, sorry. Yeah. Let me just... [GRUNTS]

Looks like you want
to recover lost cargo.

- Did I get that right?
- Oh, yeah. Almost forgot.

Coming right up.

[TRILLING]

Wow, look at him... Look at him try.

Ugh, that shouldn't happen.

Badgey, restart cargo recovery.

Badgey, restart sequence!

Sorry, it usually works.

Badgey, stop it!

Uh, no, it's-it's nothing, really.

Come on, you stupid glitch.

We're back in business. [LAUGHS]

[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS]

I can't believe I actually
made eye contact

with one of the Zebulon Sisters.

Oh, God, I forgot how to breathe.

Oh, my God, and then, when
they added the third Chu,

and they were doing
the Chu Chu Chu dance?

They're geniuses.

[CHUCKLING] I'm glad we
did this together, Boims.

Sometimes you can be,
like, really not annoying.

Yeah. Sometimes you can
be not annoying, too.

[FLETCHER GROANS]

Fletcher!

- Oh, no, I'm so woozy.
- Are you okay?

- What happened?
- Oh...

The core. I was working on the core.

Everything was going fine, until...

[PAINED CRY]

I couldn't move. I-I couldn't breathe.

Fletcher, you tell me
who did this to you.

Uh, I don't know.

Next thing I knew, you were here,

and now I'm saying this.

Guys, somebody made off with
one of the isolinear cores

for the shield array

Is that important?

Kinda. They regulate auto-repair
when the shield's damaged.

I messed up the shields?

Hey, hey, it's okay. It's
like a backup of a backup.

Seems like somebody wanted
to get you in trouble

without damaging the ship.

The next time the bridge
runs a shield diagnostic,

they'll definitely notice it's missing.

[CRYING] I'm gonna get court-martialed.

No, you're not. We can figure this out

before anyone notices.

We're the ones who left you alone.

We have to work together
to get that core back.

Okay, who's shady as hell

and knows this system as well as we do?

ALL: Delta Shift.

These creepy Delta
Shift guys have always

rubbed me the wrong way.

I mean, what, they do our
jobs while we sleep? So weird.

KARAVITUS: Check it out, guys.

Beta Shifters.

Shouldn't you guys be
getting ready for bed?

[LAUGHS] Hey, which one of you jerks

never bothers to wipe
down the diagnostic panel?

Other people use that thing.

- Um...
- Look, we don't want to be here.

I don't like us being
awake at the same time.

It feels wrong, okay? But
we need some answers.

Oh, damn, this must be
the Beta Shift's version

of a badass.

Mariner's a total badass!

And if you don't come clean, she's gonna

[BLEEP] your [BLEEP] off!

Whoa, Fletcher, ease up, man.

Guys, I'm not gonna
do that. I'm so sorry.

Just give us the core, we'll go,

- and this can all be over.
- What core?

Oh, please. Puh-lease!

Look, someone knocked Fletcher out

and stole an isolinear core.

Are you accusing us of as*ault?

Get out of here!

We don't know anything about a core.

That's it. You want some of this?

Where's the core? Where's the core?

- Where's the core, dude?
- Guys, no, no.

- Don't undo your flaps.
- Do you want to dance?

I'll take you to the dance.

I'll pick you up at your
mom and dad's house.

You don't talk about my dad!

Wait, hold on. When
did this all go down?

Uh, I don't know. A few hours ago.

What? We were at the
Chu Chu dance with you.

Oh, yeah. [LAUGHS]

- Oh!
- Chu Chu... Chu Chu dance.

Wow. A double dance. Chu Chu dance.

Oh, my God, Chu Chu dance.

And at the end, when
they added the third Chu

and it became the Chu Chu Chu dance,

I cried. I saw you crying,
too. Don't even lie.

Oh, damn, you were there.

Yeah, that checks out. It
had to be someone else, man.

Don't you remember anything?

I don't know. It was dark.

It was totally dark.
Couldn't see anything.

- [LOUD BANG]
- ALL: Whoa!

Did they just fire on us?

Impossible. These guys
don't even have weapons.

The Drookmani have
reversed their tractor beam

to launch the cargo against our hull.

These guys are lucky I'm
so ethical and considerate.

[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]

Captain, something is
wrong with our shields.

They shouldn't be fading this fast.

Permission to destroy the enemy ship.

They're trying to bait us into a fight.

We have to find a way
to end this peacefully.

We're Starfleet, damn it.

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

- Whoa!
- What? Aah!

COMPUTER: Non-essential power diverted.

Safety protocols disabled.

What the heck?

Uh, we should get out of here.
Computer, end program.

- [ELECTRONIC CHIME]
- I said computer, end program.

- [ELECTRONIC CHIME]
- That's not good.

Badgey, run diagnostic.

You got it.

Ow!

Sorry about that.

I didn't mean to hurt you.

Badgey, what the hell?

Oh, guess I'm just a
stupid, worthless glitch!

Oh. Badgey?

Computer, re-engage safety protocols.

COMPUTER: Safety
protocols are unavailable.

[ROARS]

- [CRIES OUT]
- [SCREAMS]

Get off me. He's corrupted!

Can I teach you a lesson?

[BADGEY LAUGHING]

Computer, load Bajoran marketplace!

Put this on, put this
on. We got to blend in.

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

We got to keep going.

- [MALE SCREAMING]
- Fun fact,

I'm gonna rip your eyes out!

That fact wasn't fun!

[LAUGHS]

Our shields can't take
much more of this.

These guys are begging for a fight.

I say we give it to 'em.

Phasers locked onto
their warp core, Captain.

Please, please let me
sh**t their warp core.

I have been very good this month.

- Evasive pattern Sulu-Alpha.
- Oh, come on!

I thought you said this trash
wasn't worth fighting for.

We're not fighting.

Avoiding damage is fighting.

[GROANS] We can talk this out.

[BLEEP] you.

[SHOUTING]

Oh, man, the shields must be slammed.

If they fall below %, they'll
realize the core's gone.

- And then I'll be gone.
- Wait, wait, wait.

I thought Drookmani
were just scavengers.

The Drookmani! I bet they took the core,

to mess with our defenses.

The guy who zapped me
was definitely an alien.

We got to report this to the bridge.

Whoa, hold up. We got to
scan the ship for intruders,

I'm not going to the
captain without proof.

Okay, let's go. Let's
go get our scanners.

Okay, listen.

I'll search decks two through ten.

Fletcher, you... the... Huh?

The core? Fletcher, it was in your bunk?

Uh, uh, aliens. It's, uh, aliens.

Those frickin' aliens,
I knew they'd do this.

They're gonna frame me.

- I knew it.
- Fletcher.

[GRUNTS] I messed up, you guys.

Oh, man, I really messed up.

- I'm the worst! I'm slime!
- Stop it!

- Get ahold of yourself and shut up.
- Stupid, stupid Fletcher!

Just tell us what you did.

When you guys went to the Chu Chu dance,

I was doing all that rewiring on my own,

and it was getting so
hard, so, I was like,

"This would be so much
easier if I were smarter".

And then I was like, "Wait.
The computer's smart.

- Maybe it can make me smart".
- What?

FLETCHER: So I hooked
it up directly to my brain,

and let it run so it
would make me smarter.

MARINER: Ooh, boy,
that is not a good idea.

COMPUTER: Neural pathway established.

[FLETCHER SHOUTING]

FLETCHER: But I didn't get smarter.

It broke and I peed my pants.

So I hid down here and told you guys

I had been att*cked so
you wouldn't feel let down.

Yeah, I don't kn... uh, I don't
know what to do with this.

We're supposed to have each
other's backs, Fletcher!

You were gonna lie to the
captain about an alien att*ck?

You could have started a w*r.

Come on, just back me up.

All we do is back you up,
and all you do is lie!

I just wanted you to be proud of me.

- I messed up.
- [EXHALES]

It's... ugh... it's okay.

We can reformat the core
and put this all behind us.

- I guess.
- Really?

Oh, thanks, you guys.

You know, I've actually
learned a lot today.

This has been, like, a
learning experience for me.

That's all that matters.
And you know what?

We're Starfleet. We are Starfleet.

- And when we make mistakes, we learn...
- [SHOUTS]

Fix it! Fix it! Fix it! Fix it!

- What did you do to it?
- I don't know!

CORE [FLETCHER VOICE]: Make
me smarter. Make me smarter.

Ugh, Fletcher, your brain
waves corrupted that thing.

It's incorporating anything
it can get its grabber on.

- Fletcher, you've got to call this in!
- But I'll get in trouble!

If this thing gets loose
it could mess up the ship.

CORE: Show me something!

Alert the captain right now!

You're right. Just let me
get my tricorder here...

Hello! Die! Die! Die!

- Fletcher!
- CORE: Dummy!

Dummy! Party of dumbass!

- Me smart.
- Get off of me! Let go!

You help me or I'll say
this was all your idea.

I'm not going down for this.

Dude, what you're doing
is so not Starfleet.

You break rules all the time.

Only dumb rules that shouldn't be there

so I can do a better job.

I would never put anyone in danger.

- [CLEARS THROAT]
- Except sometimes maybe Boimler.

- [BOTH SHOUT]
- Stupid, stupid Fletcher!

[ALL SCREAMING]

[PANTING, GRUNTING]

I'm sorry. This is all my fault.

Here's a tip.

I'm going to burn your hearts in a fire!

- Leave us alone, Badgey!
- No!

- You were only trying to help.
- No, I was trying to show off.

I knew Badgey wasn't ready yet,
but I wanted to impress you.

I just think you're
really cool. I'm an idiot.

Aw, Rutherford, you
impress me every day.

You're very scientific.

I mean, Badgey's an
amazing piece of programming,

- even if he does want to k*ll us.
- Yeah. [LAUGHS]

He is a k*lling machine, isn't he?

It's actually weird that
he hasn't m*rder*d us yet.

[PANTING] Hope you're ready to die.

Just as soon as I... get up there...

gonna k*ll you.

Aw. Poor little guy's
really having trouble

with those stairs.

You've got this, Badgey!
Wait, what am I doing?

He shouldn't be affected
by the physical parameters

of the simulation.

I'm gonna wear your skin! [BLABBERS]

Wait, if we're tiring him out,

then maybe we can freeze him out.

Computer, load environment .

[PANTING]

[GRUNTS] Quick. Come on.

Shield integrity % and dropping.

a*t*matic repair is down,
switching to manual.

CORE: Dummy! Dummy!

Quick. Grab that edge,
we got to drag it...

Guys, wait. I know what to do.

You figured out how to fix it?

I wish. No.

We let this thing b*at us up a little,

then later we say that a Q showed up

and caused all of this.

Nobody will doubt us 'cause
we'll be all busted up

and, you know, Qs are
super unpredictable.

Here, help me feed some stuff

into this thing so it gets bigger.

CORE: Delicioso.

Oh, real nice, guys. Let
me out of here! Come on!

- The Q thing's a good idea!
- CORE: Let go!

Uh, it just incorporated a light panel.

We've got to get it to the transporter

before it's too big to move.

I know you guys were
friends at the Academy,

but I am just gonna say
it: I do not like Fletcher.

- [CORE LAUGHS]
- Ow! We got to rethink this whole

"Lower Decks stands together" thing.

- CORE: What you got?
- You know, it's kind of nice

that we aren't fighting for once.

Yeah. I guess we make a good team.

- CORE: What you got?
- From now on,

some Lower Deckers stand together.

CORE: Come on, bro, square up.

Whoa! Oh, no.

[CORE SCREAMS]

Oh, [BLEEP], there's no way

we're gonna make it to the transporter.

[GASPS] Airlock.

Aliens. It's, uh, aliens.

Those frickin aliens!

Here. Fetch!

CORE: Whoa! I got this.

You don't talk about my dad!

BOIMLER: Whew.

- Oh, that was close.
- Ooh, yeah. Disaster averted.

MARINER: Wait, wait. Is it
drifting towards the Drookmani?

BOTH: No, no, no, no...

BOIMLER: Oh, no.

We are so getting fired for this.

Shields are down, Captain.

I have done everything I can to
respect their sanctity of life,

to avoid conflict, and give
them the benefit of the doubt.

The Drookmani have given me no choice.

Shaxs, target their warp core.

Yes!

No! We waited too long.

Weapons systems are down.

We need to get the crew
into escape pods now.

Prepare to abandon ship.

Wait, Captain. Look. What is that?

- Uh...
- We did it!

I don't know what we did, but we did it!

[LAUGHS]

Stay awake, Tendi. We can do this.

Did... did we lose him?

[PANTING]

Uh, yeah. We're doing fine.

We're so good. Keep going.

Ah. Not running anymore, Father?

This ends now, Badgey.

After I gut you, I'm gonna slit

your little green friend's throat

and take a bath in her blood.

No, you're not! [SHOUTS]

I'm gonna wear your skin!

[THUNDER CRASHES]

[LAUGHS]

You can't hurt me, Father.

Maybe with your disappointment,
but not with your fists.

I'm sorry I yelled at you, son.

I was just trying to impress Tendi.

I mean, look at her. She's so cute.

It's too late for apologies.

It's too...

k*ll you...

So cold. Father?

[RAGGED EXHALE]

I'm so sorry it came to this, Badgey.

I'm gonna cut off your foot.

[SHUSHES] No. Don't talk.

- It's over now.
- Diplomatic immunity.

[CRYING]: Badgey!

Got it. Restoring main power.

COMPUTER: Safety protocols restored.

[GRUNTS]

Hi. Can I teach you a lesson?

- Oh, hey. Hi, Badgey.
- Um...

Um, does he remember
he was trying to, uh...

Remember what? Can I teach you a lesson?

Nope, nope, nope, nope.
Actually, you know what?

- We were just heading out.
- Yeah, yeah, we're-we're good.

Thanks, Badgey.

You got it. If you need
me, Badgey's here.

I'm always here.

Ow, my frickin' wrists are all chafed.

Good. Shut up.

That core had my brain
pattern all over it.

If they find it and
kick me off the ship,

you're going down with me.

What the hell is going on down here?

We've got an unauthorized
airlock ejection,

a missing computer core,
and somebody att*cked

that Drookmani ship.

You three better have one
hell of an explanation.

Oh, I'll tell you exactly what happened.

SHAXS: Ensign Fletcher's

brilliant improvisation,

updating the isolinear
core to weaponize it

against the Drookmani
saved the Cerritos.

Fletcher demonstrated the
sort of selfless heroism

that Starfleet's all about.

It's that heroism that
earned him a promotion

and a transfer to the Titan!

- [CHEERING, APPLAUSE]
- FLETCHER: Oh, man.

Wow.

Did we have to get him promoted?

Eh, you know what they say,
keep your friends close

and your enemies way
the hell somewhere else.

Whoa. The Titan.

Isn't that, like, your dream gig?

Yeah. It is. [SIGHS]

But you know what, maybe this
is just what Fletcher needs

to turn things around.

New ship, new duties.

It might just make him a better man.

I got frickin' fired!

What? You, fired?

Who would fire you, ever?

It's like, who says you're not
supposed to empty trash

into the warp core? It
all burns up anyway.

Oh, yeah, who wouldn't
make that mistake?

I thought maybe you
guys could, like, put in

- a good word for me or...
- Uh, hey, Fletcher?

Fletcher. Sorry, you're breaking up.

I think you're going through
a temporal rift or something.

- A rift? What a... Hello?
- Whoa, Fletcher, there's a Q.

- I'm holding my badge up...
- There's a Q doing crazy Q stuff.

- Got to go.
- Can you hear me? Guys...

Well, he's Earth's problem now.

Got to say, I'd rather
serve with a dozen of you

than one Fletcher.

I mean, yeah, you break
the rules all the time,

but at your heart, you're Starfleet.

Aw, Boimler. That's
really nice. Thanks, man.

Now come on. I got the
keys to the captain's yacht.

Wait, what? You shouldn't have those.

No, it's cool. I signed
them out in your name.

- Last one there's a Fletcher.
- Wait. No, no, no.

That's not the lesson here!

MARINER: Lower Decks, let's go!

[MAN IMITATES WEAPONS f*ring]:
Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew.

Chirp.