01x06 - The Audition

[bunniefuu]

Ricky, time to get up!

Ricky, time to get up.

Aw, come on, now, honey.

You said you had an appointment at
:

and it's after : .

All right, you asked for it.

iBabalu!

iBabalu!

iBabalu-aye!

All right, all right, all right, all
right!

All right, I'll get up.

All right.

Ricky!

Ricky!

Yeah?

Did you find out when you're going to
do your TV audition?

No, I didn't.

You did, too.

I did not.

It's any day now.

They're going to tell me whenever
they're ready.

You know, I've been thinking

about shows like Burns and Allen.

George Burns uses his wife on the
show.

Why don't you?

I'd love to.

You think she would leave George?

Oh...

Well, I know one thing--

you'll never be a success on
television.

And what do you mean by that, pray
tell?

Because you don't have a pretty girl
in your act, that's why.

Here we go again.

I'll get along.

Everybody knows that you have to have

a pretty girl in your act to
demonstrate

the sponsor's product.

Really?
Sure. She eats it or drinks it

or waxes the floor with it or cuts
potatoes with it

or drives off in it.

Or smokes it.

So?

So how would you like to have

your sponsor's product demonstrated

by a gorgeous redhead?

I'd love it.

Oh, you would?

You know where I can find one?

Oh!

Ay-ay-ay!

Now what are you doing?

I'm looking for my ear.

Oh...

You didn't really lose an ear.

Eh? How's that?

Oh, stop it.

Honey, you know how I feel about
this.

I don't want my wife in show
business.

Why not?

Oh, Lucy, we've been over this

, times.

I want a wife who's just a wife.

Now, all you have to do is clean the
house for me,

bring me my slippers when I come home
at night,

cook for me and be the mama for my
children.

You never wear your slippers.

It doesn't matter.

Just do the others.

You're missing a good bet.

Huh?

I say, you're missing a good bet.

Am I?

Yeah.

How you figure?

Because I can sing.

Oh?

And dance.

What else?

And tell jokes.

How about it?

No.

No?

No.

Oh, you have no imagination.

I'll bet if Ziegfeld or Earl Carroll
had seen me,

they'd sign me up like that.

As what?

As a beautiful show girl.

Go answer the door.

Oh!

Oh.

Hey, Rick, have I got news for you!

Tonight's the night.

Your audition's tonight.

Shh! I don't want Lucy to hear.

Oh. Oh, well, the network big sh*ts
are coming down

to the club tonight to audition your
show for TV.

How do you know?

Well, read this telegram.

I opened it by mistake.

Oh, here's some mail for you.

"Dear Mr. Ricardo, we're coming down
to the Tropicana

to catch your show tonight."

Oh, Fred, that's wonderful!

For goodness' sakes, don't tell Lucy,
will you?

If she knows the audition is tonight

she'll be pestering the life out of
me

trying to get into the act.

How am I going to get rid of her for
the day?

Well, you could lock her in the
bathroom.

If she stays in there as long as
Ethel does

she'd never even know the door's
locked.

No, Fred, I can't do that.

Let's see what we got in here.

Boy, what is this?

What is all that stuff?

Oh, it's our wills.

The attorney wants us to sign them.

Wills? Oh, that's a happy thought.

Listen, if my show is not a success
tonight,

I'm going to need them.

Well, I wish I could help you.

I wish you could figure

a way to get rid of Lucy.

Yeah?
Hey, I know.

I'll have her take these things down
to the attorney.

His office is way downtown.

Well, that ought to do it.

Now-Now-Now, listen,

can I come and hear the rehearsal
tonight?

Sure.

Remember now-- tonight's the night.
Knock 'em dead!

Shh!

Shh!

Da, da, da, da, da, da

Da-da, da-da-da-da

Da-da-da-da...

Lucy...

Yes?

No.

Oh, Ricky!

Don't you want to know

who was at the door?

Who was it? Your agent?

Does he know when the TV audition is?

What'd he say?
What'd he say?

No, it wasn't my agent; it was the
mailman.

Oh.
He brought some papers for us to sign

and we got to take them down to the
attorney's.

It's my will.

Well, I'll get your breakfast.

Your will?!

Yes.

What's the matter, Ricky?

Nothing is the matter.

There is, too.

You're keeping something from me.

You're sick!

I never felt better in my whole life.

Then you lied to me when we were
married.

You're really older than I think.

Now, look, honey, it's just good
business.

The lawyer says I should have a will.

Then everything is legally taken care
of

if anything happens.

I won't discuss it.

Oh, look, honey,

you have to know how things are
arranged

so you know what to do when I, uh...

when I go.

Oh, all right, Ricky.

That's better.

Now what's the matter?

Oh, Ricky, I miss you so.

For goodness' sakes, Lucy

I haven't gone yet.

Don't go, Ricky, don't go.

Now, look, honey, I'm perfectly well.

I feel fine.

But let's face it.

We all have to go sometime.

We do?

We do, unless you know something the
rest of us don't.

No, I "dunt."

I'll get your breakfast.

All right, honey.

He brought your will along, too.

My will?

Yeah.

What for?

You're the one that's going.

Now, Lucy...

What are you trying to do--

shove me ahead of you in line?

Now, look, honey,

this isn't my idea-- it's lawyer's.

We got to get them signed, and you
got to take them

down to the attorney's today.

Impossible.

I have an appointment

to have my hair dyed-- washed.

They got to go today.

Now, come on.

Oh, Ricky, the attorney's way
downtown.

It'll take me all day.

Yeah, I know.

Oh, can't they wait?

Absolutely not.

Well, why not?

Well... Well, suppose you didn't take
them down

till tomorrow.

Yes?

And we both got k*lled today.

Yes?

How could you take them down
tomorrow?

Oh, yeah, that's right.

Ole, ole, ole, ole...

Ole, ole, ole, ole...

Ah, ah, ah, ah...

Ah, ah, ah, ah...

All right, all right, fellows.

That's pretty bad, you know.

If you're going to sing, don't go:

Ah, ah, ah, ah.

Ah, ah, ah, ah!

Let's put some pep into the thing.

What's the use of having a rehearsal

if we're not going to do it right?

Buffo, aren't you ready yet?

I'm ready.

Go ahead with my music.

All right, give me the clown music,
fellows.

All right, wait, wait, wait a minute.

Listen, aren't you going to do

the cello bit first?

No, I'm going to do the handstand

on the handlebars.

Oh, okay.

Buffo!

What happened there?

Hey, buffo!

What happened, kid?

The brakes locked.

The brakes locked?

Oh, my goodness.
Sit down here.

Are you all right?

I don't know.

He ought to lie down for a little
while.

I'd better go home.

And I'll go with him.

Where do you live?

Staten island.

Look, you don't have to take him all
the way home.

Why don't you take him to my
apartment, Fred.

There's nobody there.

All right, come on, Buffo.

I'd better get the bicycle.

I want to see if it's all right.

Never mind the bike.

I'll mind that.

You take care of yourself.

Don't worry about tonight.

I'll be okay.

All right, give me seventh in the
books.

Everybody on the downbeat.

Ay-ay-ay!

What kind of a start is that,
fellows?

It's me-- Buffo.

It's Buffo!

Buffo, you scared me to death.

What are you doing here?

I got hurt at rehearsal this
afternoon,

and Ricky said I could come over here

and lie down for a while.

Oh... what rehearsal?

Are they getting ready for that TV
audition?

Sure, the show's tonight.

Tonight? Why, that big bum.

So that's why he sent me on a wild
goose chase--

just to get rid of me.

Well, are you all right, Buffo?

Will you be able to do the show
tonight?

Well, I guess I can, if the bicycle
works.

The brakes locked.

Oh.
I'll take a look at it.

Oh, you got it here.

Yeah.

How is it?

Seems all right.

Wait till I try it, huh?

Oh!

Oh!

Here.

Buffo, are you badly hurt?

Oh, you'd better tell Ricky to get
somebody else.

But who?

I don't care.

Why don't you take my place?

Me?

Oh, don't be ridic...

Yo quiero pedir que mi negra me
quiera

Que tenga dinero y que no se muera

Yo le quiero pedir

A babalu

Una alegra mona como tu

Que no tenga otro n*gro para que no
se muera.

iCallo!

iSuave!

iBabalu!

iBabalu!

iBabalu-aye!

iBabalu!

Yeah!

iSuave!

iArriba!

Ole, ole, ole, ole...

Ole, ole, ole, ole...

Ole, ole, ole, ole...

Ole, ole, ole, ole...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Arriba con la conga

Arriba con la conga...

Yeah!

iArriba!

iOle!

Yeah!

iArriba!

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Yeah!

Hey!

Isn't Buffo here yet?

No sign of him anywhere.

Oh, that's a fine thing.

Look at that, the sponsors are here.

What am I going to do?

They don't look too happy.

Are you kidding?

For them, that's hilarious.

Well, I'll just have to wrap up the
show.

That's all I can do.

Ladies and gentlemen,

we thank you very much for being such
a wonderful audience

but we'll have to conclude the show
because...

Have you seen a fellow named "Risky
Riscardo"?

I'm looking for a fel...

I'm looking for a feller named...

Who are you looking for?

Who are you looking for?

I'm looking for a feller named Risky
Riscardo.

Well, I'm Ricky Ricardo.

Oh, well, pleased to meet you.

Pleased to meet you.

Do you know where I'd find Risky
Riscardo?

Now, look, clown

we're doing a show here, you know.

Oh, I know, I know, yeah.

Well, what do you want?

I want to be in the band.

Oh, you're a musician.

I am?

Oh, I am, I am, yeah.

Where do I sit?

Hey, wait!

Come back here!

Now, look, come back here.

Wait a minute.

What do you think you can do?

You think you can just walk up here

and start working with a band

just like that?

Just like that?

What do you think this is?

First of all, I'll have to see your
credentials.

Listen, tell me something,
professor--

have you had any experience?

Come over here, please.
Professor,

come right over here.

Look, tell me something, do you play
that thing?

How's that?

I said, "Do you play that thin'?"

What "thin"?

Never mind making fun of my English.

That's English?

Do you play that instrument?

Where?

Over there.

Where?
There.

Where?
Right there.

Oh, there!

Do you play it?

Well...

Yeah.

Well, I tell you what we'll do--

we'll give you an audition.

Huh?

We'll listen to you.

Play something for us.

No!
That's right.

Now?
Right now.

Oh, my, will you help me?

I'll help you out, sure.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Well, here you are, professor.

Gracias.

Gracias to you, too.

Yes, professor?

Oh, se quiere acompanamiento

con orquesta.

Huh?

Que se quiere acompanamiento con
orquesta.

¿Como lo quiere?
¿En cuatro, en dos

andante, moderato, por arriba?

¿Como lo quiere?

Gracias.

All right, all right.

We'll go with the professor.

On the downbeat, professor, we'll go
with you.

Anytime you're ready, professor,
we'll go with you.

Yeah, boy!

Look, professor, professor!

Come over here, will you, please?

Look, professor, I'm sorry

but I haven't got any use for a
cellist.

No!

No. I'll tell you what, though--

we have a brand- new instrument...

Oh?

And I've been looking for someone who
can play it.

Oh.

And if you can play it...

Eh?

You've got yourself a job.

Oh...

Eh?... oh.

Eh?... oh.

You want to try it?

Well, what is it?

It's a saxovibatronophonavich.

Oh, a saxovibatronophonavich.

That's right. You think you can play
it?

Oh, sure, sure.

Well, wonderful.

Bring it out here!

The professor can play it.

We found someone who can play it.

Bring it out here.

Professor, we'll take care of the
cello for you.

It's a saxovibatronophonavich.

It's a saxovibatronophonavich.

It's a saxovibatronophonavich.

It's a saxovibatronophonavich...

Professor!

Right over here, please.

Now, look, professor--

all you got to do is give us a tune,

and you got yourself a job.
Right.

All right?
Right.

Go to it.
Right.

That's it right there, professor.

Go ahead, go ahead.

Give us a tune.

Hey, professor!
Professor!

Ricky...

Ricky, where you been?

It's after : .

Oh, Ricky, talk to me.

Oh, I was only trying to help--
honest.

I never dreamed they'd offer me a
contract.

What are you going to do about it?

What do you want me to do, Ricky?

You know what I want.

I just want you to clean the house...

Oh, I've been doing that

ever since I got home.

And hand me my slippers

when I come home at night...

And cook for you

and be the mama for your children.

Let's see you pull that out of your
pocket.

Well, Ricky, that's what I wanted

to talk to you about.

I have a surprise for you.

You do?

Yes-- something that should make you
very happy.

Lucy, you mean...

Yes, darling.

Oh, gosh.

I baked your favorite pie.