10x02 - Identity Crisis

[bunniefuu]

♪♪♪ (theme)

(shouting, chatter)

A little shrapnel
to remove. No problem.

Just missed your tattoo.
"Gloria," huh?

That's funny.
You don't look like a Gloria.

Come on. I gotta keep this!
I gotta keep my bag!

MAN: Leave my bag!

Come on! Leave my bag alone!
I gotta keep it with me!

Hey, you've got
a nasty shoulder wound.

It's gonna require surgery.

I must insist that you check
your luggage at the door.

Come on. It's all right.
Well, okay.

But I gotta have it back
as soon as I'm done.

If you'd like, I'll insure it
with Lloyd's of London.

B.J.: Thompson?
Fine.

I'm freezin'.
It's okay.

Keep him on fluids
and plasma.

Type and crossmatch him.
Yes, doctor.

What's up?
Transfusion reaction.

While you're at it,
check that stuff,

see if it is
what it says it is.

You want help with the leg?
It's under control.

Corporal Levin?
Yes?

Looks like the blood
they sent you down with

from Battalion Aid doesn't
quite agree with you.

But don't worry about a thing.
Before we put you on the table,

we'll set you up with a
bottle of our finest red.

Okay.
Let's get him out of here.

Is this too tight?
No, that's fine.

You're in good
hands, Mathes.

She used to be fashion
coordinator to King Tut.

Hey, that joke
is 4,000 years old.

At least give it
a smirk of respect.

There.
DDon't stop there.

Cover that whole tattoo.

I don't ever want
to see it again.

That's no way to treat a lady.

I just got a Dear John letter.

The only thing I got
left of Gloria is
her name on my arm.

Dear John letters are
another painful part of w*r.

It happens a lot.

Well, not like this. Listen.

"I'm engaged to Rob Webster.

"I doubt you know him,

"but perhaps you've
heard of his family.

"They own the bank.

"I'm sure you can understand
why it would be best

"if prominent people
like that didn't know

"about my relationship
with you.

"If you really do care for me,

you won't mind sending
back my picture. "

Well, isn't she
one for the money?

What a scheming
little social climber.

You can't really blame her.
I mean, I am a nobody.

That little hussy's the nobody.

You're a brave young man
fighting for your country.

Nice try, Major.

I must have been nuts
to think she'd wait for me.

Hey, take it from old
love'emandlose'em.

You'll soon forget
what'shername.

Listen to this man.
He's a doctor.

Margaret, can I
see you a minute?

Be right there.

Uh, anything else?

Yeah, monitor his funny bone
for any signs of mending.

I think we've sorted out
Levin's transfusion confusion.

What was it?

If a guy's got
Bpositive blood,

it'd be nice if his dog tags
didn't say Apositive.

A mistake
on his dog tags?

Sort of a blood typo.

Didn't you know
they were wrong?

No, ma'am.
Don't worry about it.

Most guys don't know
they have a blood type

till they see these things.
Yeah, that's it.

So, Margaret,
we have a decision.

Either we get Levin new tags

or we drain him and refill
his body with Apositive.

We'd better get those new tags
before you go back on the line.

No, I'm not going back there.
Oh?

I mean, I'm, uh,
goin' home in two weeks.

I got my orders in my wallet.

You lucky devil.
Wow!

All the same,
we better have ICorps

do a rewrite on
those dog tags.

Major.
Major.

Well, Corporal Rice,
how's that shoulder doing?

Can I have my field pack?

(chuckles) It's impolite

to answer a question
with a question.

I believe I asked
about your shoulder.

It's fine. Now, please,
give me the bag.

Gently, gently. You're
gonna rip your sutures.

Just, uh, what is
in that sack?

Your key to security.
I beg your pardon?

The name's Alvin Rice
of Whedon, Webber
and Dunsmuir,

investment counseling
and mutual funds.

Mutual funds, eh?
Have you thought
about your future?

You'd be surprised how
many G .I. s in your
position haven't.

My good man,
I'm not a G.I. I'm an M. D.

M.D., G.I. It's all OK.

As I always say,

if opportunity
knocks but once,

go to bed
with your pants on.

Are you having a bad
reaction to your medicine?

Listen, doc,

back in Kansas City,
I was on my way to being

Whedon Webber's
salesman of the year

when my guard unit
got activated.

But, as I always say,
a rose in a minefield
is still a rose.

Just step lively.

(forced chuckle)

Now, if you've got a family,

I'd recommend a growth fund.

Not... just now.
Save your strength.

Try to get some rest
before the market opens.

Save that.

If they had to foul up
a guy's dog tags,

why couldn't it
have been his name?

Nobody ever d*ed from
getting the wrong mail.

With the exception
of draft notices.

Sounds like the army could use
a lesson in administration

from one Corporal Rice

of the firm Whedon, Webber
and Who Cares.

That guy's a real cutie.

He's got his arm
in a sling,

and he's twisting
everybody else's.

He tried to sell me something

called Security Fidelity Fund.

I just don't trust that name.

I suppose one should admire
his spunk and originality,

but what kind of an idiot
would invest

hardearned capital
with a footslogger?

I just made

one of the smartest decisions
of my entire life.

Any of you fellows familiar
with Security Fidelity Fund?

(chuckles) Margaret, friend
and client to the footslogger.

You didn't really buy
anything from that guy?

Sixty shares. Why?

Is anything wrong
with Security Fidelity?

Margaret, you should
know better than anyone.

There is no security
in fidelity.

(chuckles)
Go ahead, laugh now.

But we'll see who laughs last

when I'm sitting pretty
on Easy Street.

One thing I know,

if opportunity
knocks but once,

you better go to bed
with your pants on.

I better go and change.
I'd be mortified

to meet opportunity
dressed like this.

You think you're the only one
who wants to be rich?

Well,
I hate to scoff and run,

but I gotta get to postop.

Is there anything
I should know?

No, everything
was fine when I left,

but I'm sort of worried
about Jim Mathes.

He's still so depressed over
that little gold digger.

You're really concerned
about him, huh?

Call me an old softy,

but I think that woman ought
to be tarred and feathered.

Gee, Margaret,
you're beautiful
when you're vicious.

Somebody ought to do something

to even the score
with that scheming witch.

Quiet, Mrs. De Sade.
I'm thinking.

Corporal Levin?

I'm sorry, Father.
What is it?

Just thought
I'd introduce myself.

I'm the chaplain here,
Father Mulcahy.

I understand you're Jewish.

Yeah, that's that's right.

I thought you'd like to know
I do a wide range of services.

I'll be happy
to accommodate you.

Are you Orthodox,
Conservative or Reform?

I'mI'm sorry?
What form of Judaism
do you observe?

Oh, um, uh, Orthodox.
Ah. Orthodox.

I think I should warn you,
my Hebrew's a little rusty

but it gets the point across.

(laughing)
And I can promise you

a proper Sabbath service.

Now, where did
I put that yarmulke?

Uh, Father, thanks a lot,
but I'mI'm really

I'm not that religious.
Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought you said
you were Orthodox.

Oh, I am.
I mean, my family is.

II haven't really kept up.

Ah, I understand perfectly.

I saw The Jazz Singer.

Hey, Levin. I gotta talk
to you. Oh, uh, excuse me.

I hope I'm not interrupting
a fatherly chat.

No, no, no, no.
We were finished.

If you need anything,
just let me know.

Shalom.

Levin, there's a problem
with your clothes.

We sent all the uniforms
to be cleaned,

but yours didn't come back.
Oh, yeah?

Well, we got one left over
that's about your size,

but it's got somebody
else's laundry mark.

Oh, that's gotta be mine.

Uh, up on the line
we always swap clothes.

Hey, me too!

I used to swap
with the nurses.

That's another story.
When you're ready to go,

there'll be a uniform
without your name on it.

You gotta think
about your future, pal.

As I always say,
people don't plan to fail.
They fail to plan.

That's a great idea.
I'd be happy to help.

Which one do you want,
my wife or my girlfriend?

This one'll be fine.
Ooh, my girlfriend.
Good choice.

Is that a sledgehammer
she's holding?

Sure is. That's how we met,
at the slaughterhouse.

We worked side by side
on the stun line.

Romantic.

I'm sorry to wake you, Father,

but he said he had to see you,
and it wouldn't wait.

No problem. No problem.

The house of the Lord
is open 24 hours a day.

Father.

You wanted to see me,
Corporal Levin?

I have to talk
to you alone.

Excuse me.

Oh. Well, what
is it, Corporal?

Or may I call you Josh?

Father, will you
hear my confession?
Of course.

Many nonCatholics have, uh,
unburdened themselves to me.

Aren't you gonna
wear your stole?

Well, you understand,

this is rather informal.

You're not a Catholic.

No, Father, please,

I'd really appreciate it
if you wore your stole.

Oh. Very well.

Bless me, Father,
for I have sinned.

It's been one month
since my last confession.

You've confessed before.

Father, please, please.

Just let me say it
straight through, okay?

Well, certainly, my son.

Night before last...

me and my buddies
went out on patrol.

It was real dark.

We got lost.

All of a sudden
there was sh**t'
from all sides.

That's how I got
hit in the leg.

My buddies got k*lled.

The Reds came out of the woods
to see if they got us.

One of' em even
kicked me in the head,

but II didn't move.

I guess I fooled them,
'cause they left.

All the time I
was layin' there,

I swore to myself that if
I ever got out of that alive,

there would be no way,

there's no way that I'd ever
go back to the fighting.

That was a terrifying
experience.

But you mustn't reproach
yourself for being
afraid, Josh.

Josh Levin...

was one of my buddies
who got k*lled that night.

He was goin' home
in just two weeks.

I took his dog tags
and his discharge orders.

(groans)

My name is Gerald Mullen.

Ohh.

I must say, this is

the most unusual confession
I've ever heard.

Do you understand
why I did it, Father?

Oh, yes,
I understand perfectly.

Aren't you going
to give me penance to do?

Well, first I'd like to know

when you plan to end
this masquerade.

Never.

I'm gettin'
out of here alive.

That's something
we all want.

Are you gonna give me
penance to do or not?

That wouldn't be appropriate.

I can't absolve you of a sin

you have no intention
of stopping.

What do you mean, "sin"?

Is it a sin to want
to stop killin' people?

Of course not.
But your actions are sinful.

They include lying
and deception.

What difference does it make?
I'm not hurtin' anybody.

But what about yourself?

Why, if you succeed
in this charade,

you will virtually strip
yourself of all identity.

You can be neither
Levin nor Mullen.

Yeah, well,
first things first.

Whoever I'll be,
at least I'll be alive.

But what kind
of a life will it be?

Listen, I didn't ask you
here for an argument.

I want forgiveness.

My son, I wish
I could give it.

But how can I? You are
virtually unrepentant.

What are you gonna do?
You can't turn me in.

Oh, no.

No, I would never
violate the sanctity
of the confessional.

But I'd like your permission

to discuss this with you
outside of confession.

Perhaps that'll give you
a little more time
to think about it.

We can talk about it...

but I'm not changing my mind.

I'll pray for you, my son...

and for guidance.

Good night, Josh...

Gerald.

And who is this?

My cousin NumNum,
in her roller derby uniform.

That was taken
the day she was voted
Miss Hell On Wheels.

You must be very proud.
Oh, yeah.

We always knew she was
destined for greatness.

In grade school she was
a bouncer in the cafeteria.

Okay. These'll be
just perfect.

Oh, if you need more, I got
some great action sh*ts

of my grandmother's
bowling team.

Keep those handy.

Dr. Hunnicutt?
Mmhmm.

We're having a problem with one
of the patients. Can you help?

Sure thing. What's up?

Ah, the corporate
corporal strikes again.

He won't stay in bed.

Every time I turn around,
he's bothering another patient.

Pretty soon tomorrow's
gonna be yesterday,

and what'll you have
to look forward to then?

Hi, guys. Sorry to break up
the board meeting.

Rice, can't you leave
these people alone?

This is a bed, not a seat
on the Stock Exchange.

Just trying to make a living.

No, you're trying
to make a k*lling,

and this is not
the place for it.

Aw, come on, doc.
This is restraint of trade.

Rice, we're trying to run
a quiet little w*r here.

Nobody is interested
in mutual funds.

Corporal,
I've thought it over,

and you are right.

Put me down for 25 shares
of that Security Fidelity.

You know, for the grandson.

Lot of wisdom
in what you said

people don't plan to fail.
They fail to plan.

Oh, excuse me, Hunnicutt.
Am I interrupting something?

No, I think I am.
Uhhuh. 25 shares.

Well, your wounds
are healing nicely.

How about the rest of you?

I'm alive. That's about it.

Yeah. Well, remember, don't
use that arm for anything.

Even writing could
put a strain on it.

Ah, Father Mulcahy.

A little coffee
after dinner?

The undrinkable
chasing the inedible.

Huh? Oh. Oh.
Major Winchester.

Uh, you seem in a daze,
even for you.

I'm sorry. I was just,
uh, lost in thought.

Charles, I'd like
to talk to you

about your patient
Corporal Rice.

Ah, of Whedon,
Webber and Ouijongbu.

He won't stay in bed.
He won't leave the other
patients alone.

If he keeps it up,
I'm going to stage

a new production of
Death of a Salesman.

Granted, Corporal Rice
is an ill wind
that blows no good,

but I'm his physician,
I'm not his nanny.

I've talked till
I'm blue in the face.

You want to take a
cr*ck at it, Father?

Uh, actually, it's been
my experience that,

when a person has
decided to do something,

it's very difficult
to make him change his mind.

Will you excuse me?

I want to refill my coffee.

(chuckling)
Ah.

(knocking)
Come in, if you're
on our side.

Ah, Padre.

Never locked a door
in my life.

I ain't gonna start here.

Don't care how bad
the neighborhood is.

Am I interrupting
something?

No, no, no. Pierce was just
here collecting snapshots.

Next thing I knew,
I was sashayin'
down Memory Lane.

So, what's buzzin'
in your bonnet?

Well, I have a couple
of questions I'd like
to ask you.

Completely hypothetical,
of course.

Oh! (laughing)

Here's a snap of me
alongside the new barbecue.

Built it myself.

Got complete plans out
of an old Popular Mechanics.

It seems to be tilting
a little bit to the left.

Yeah. Mildred noticed
that too.

I told her it was to keep
the smoke away from the house.

She bought it.
(laughs)

Problem was,
had to use toothpicks

to keep the burgers
from slidin' off.

Yes, that's fascinating.
Ah!

First Thanksgiving when Bob
and Evy brought little Skip.

That's Mildred givin' the tyke
a sample of the candied yams.

A minute later, she had
to change her blouse.

Finelooking boy.
Yep.

Kid's gonna be in clover too,

with the mutual funds
I bought him.

Seein' these
makes me feel less

like I'm halfway
around the world.

I don't care
how poor a man is.

If he's got family,
he's rich.

Now, then, Padre,
what brings you here?

Actually, I came in
with a problem

but I think you've just
given me a possible solution.

Just remember,
put something away

before they put you away.

You know, you're
really profound.

Oh, charming.

Nurse Kellye
on the bed of Rice.

If you'll excuse me
for just

Corporal, do you think
you could find time

in your busy schedule
for an examination?

Hey, no problem, Doc.
Right.

Now, don't go far.
And do yourself a favor.

Read this.
I will.

Having trouble keeping up
with the Dow Joneses here?

I'm doin' okay, I guess.

It's just tough sellin'
to some of these guys

when they're unconscious.

(chuckles)
I could well imagine.

Will you?
Please? Thank you.

Oh, dear.
What is it?

I was afraid of that.
Of what?

Well, it's rather
difficult to explain.

Do you know anything
about anatomy?
No.

It's your latrickium.

The latrickium subversus,
to be specific.

What's that?

It's an arterial
connection between

the vocal cords
and the shoulder blade.

It's, uh, in spasm.
I can see it grating.

Wait a minute.
My vocal cords?
Oh, don't worry.

The chances that you'll
lose your power of speech

are 1 in 200.

Hey, my voice is my life.
My career depends on it.

There's gotta be
somethin' I can do.

Now that you mention it,
there is one thing.

But it's rather
strong medicine.
Name it. I'll do it.

Well, you would have to go 24
to 48 hours without speaking.

That would
relax the latrickium

and take the stress
off the shoulder blade,

thereby
easing the spasm up.

Uh, do you think
you could do that?

Of course, of course.

It's my job.
It's the only thing I can...

Wise lad.
You catch on fast.

What's the word on Rice?
Mum.

Corporal Levin?

Oh, hi, Father.

Well, it's almost time
for you to go home, isn't it?

Yeah. Tomorrow.

Oh. I brought
something for you.

What is it?
I had your mail forwarded.

It would be a shame for you
to go home without it.

This is Levin's mail.

You are Corporal Levin,
aren't you?

Yeah, that's right.

Well, there's one here
from your father

and one from your sister,
I suppose.

And this one
that says "S. W. A. K."

is probably from your
girlfriend.

I don't want to do this.
Oh, I understand.

You're tired. Why don't I
read them to you?

"Dear Joshua, Thanks for the
gifts you sent from Tokyo.

"I use the samurai sword
letter opener all the time.

"And your mother
is crazy about the kimono.

"She looks like
a regular Anna May Wong.

"Your Uncle Marvin
got so excited

"you were coming home

"that he gave us
four quarts of free paint

"to redo your room,

"and we can't wait
until you're in it.

"There's lots more to say,

"but I'll save it
for when you come home.

"You know how
your mother worries

"but I told her
she'll see for herself

"when you come
down the gangplank.

"We're counting the days.

Love, Papa."

Well, shall I read the one
from your girlfriend?

No.

You said once
that your actions

were affecting nobody
but yourself.

But these people will
be waiting for Joshua Levin

to come down the gangplank,
and he won't.

And they'll never
even know where he is

or what became of him.

Excuse me, Corporal.

Okay, your pictures
are ready, Mathes.

What pictures?
These pictures.

Who are these?

They're women.
All kinds of women.

Tall ones, short ones,
blondes, brunettes.

They're for the letter
to your girlfriend.

I ain't writin' her no letter.

We thought you might
feel that way,

so we took the liberty of
composing one for you.

See if we caught your style.

"Dear Gloria,

"Congratulations
on your engagement.

"I know your fiancé's
enormous wealth and power

"will make you happy.

"I would never
stand in your way.

"And, as you requested,
I am returning your picture.

"Since I cannot remember
what you look like,

"I'm not sure which
one is yours.

Please pick it out and return
the rest to me. Yours truly"...

Et cetera, et cetera.
Ready for your signature.

If you have no objection.

Hey, I got a great idea.
Let's send it postage due!

(laughing)

Now departing Gate number 1,
commuter service to the front,

making stops at foxholes,
trenches and NoMan'sLand.

At Gate number 2,

the Freedom Express,
sleeper service to Seoul,

with connections to Mom,
apple pie and home, sweet home.

Board!
Hey, thanks
for everything, Klinger.

Okay, Mathes. Board!

Bye, Father.
Goodbye, Corporal Levin.

I hope your decision
is one you can live with.

Yeah. So do I.

Can you see that Levin's
family gets these?

Try to explain what happened.
Of course I will.

God be with you, Gerald.

Thank you, Father.

Hey, wait a second.
We got everybody.
No, there was a mixup.

Corporal Mullen.
Drop me off at Charlie Company?

Sure.

Well, Corporal Rice,
the time has come
to say farewell.

Well said.
Dr. Winchester!
Dr. Winchester, wait up!

What is it?
It's Corporal Rice's
latrickiagram.

What? Stand fast there,
Corporal.

This could be important.

You see there?

Mmhmm. Mmhmm.
Ah!

Oh, that's very interesting.
Wouldn't you say, doctor?

Miraculous. I've never seen
a latrickiagram quite like it.

Winchester, you're brilliant.
Oh, no.

Well, congratulations,
Corporal Rice.

Your latrickium
has healed completely.

Once again your voice
will ring out like
a cash register.

All right,
let's hit the road.

Are you sure
it's all right, doc?

Absolutely. It's as if

there were never
anything wrong with it.

I'll be right with you!

Thanks, doc! Thanks!

Hiho there!
Alvin Rice is the name.

Mutual funds is my game.

Let me ask you
a couple of questions.

Are you married?
You're single, huh?
You got any children?

I've got a policy for you
that'll knock your socks off.

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