Come and listen to my story
‘Bout a man named jed,
A poor mountaineer
Barely kept his family fed.
And then one day
He was sh**t at some food,
And up through the ground
Come a bubbling crude.
Oil that is,
Black gold,
Texas tea.
Well the first thing you know
Ol' jed's a millionaire,
The kin folks said,
"Jed, move away from there".
Said, "californy is the
place you ought to be",
So they loaded up the truck
And they moved to beverly,
Hills that is,
Swimming pools,
Movie stars.
The beverly hillbillies.
Now come along and visit
With the clampett family
As they take you
to their mansion
In the hills of beverly
And when they do,
You'll run into
A friend of theirs you've met
That good old friend
with filtered blend,
Winston cigarette
Winston tastes good,
Like a cigarette should.
This 1s where
the clampetts live,
But there ain't no one in
"Cause they went
home for christmas
And a visit with their kin
And here they are arrivin'
At the home
they love the best
Happy as a pack of squirrels
Returning to their nest.
By thunder granny,
The ol' place
ain't changed a bit,
Purdy as ever.
Purdier with the snow.
Excuse me, pa,
But I got some friends
to say howdy to.
Yes, sir, they just don't
make houses like this no more.
Sure don't make
them in beverly hills.
Ill go get
the bags, uncle jed.
Reckon they just can't
get wood like this.
My grandpa chopped
down the trees
And built this all by hand.
You say your grandfather
built this cabin?
He sure did.
Oh, he must have
been a remarkable man.
He sure was.
He finished the
cabin in the morning,
Went to town,
Found a girl,
Courted her,
Married her
And carried her
across that doorstep
All before sundown.
Tell me granny,
Was that 18 and 97
Or 18 and 98?
18 And 98.
Yeah, that's right, she was 18
And grandpa was 98.
You say he was 98
And his bride was 18?
That's right.
The marriage didn't
work out too good.
Well, I don't doubt it.
Yeah, grandpa
made the mistake
Of having his ma
come live with him.
Awful bossy old woman.
Wouldn't let that
little bride do nothing.
Did everything herself.
Your family has
remarkable longevity.
Long...?
Yeah, they stretch
the truth alittle too.
Oh?
Grandpa wasn't a day over 930
When he married that girl.
And his ma didn't
bust up the marriage.
That poor little
bride just wore out,
Having so many
young'uns to take care of.
Oh, what happened
to elly may?
Oh, she just
went to say howdy
To some of her friends.
Oh.
Maggie,
Maggie, it's me, elly may.
I've come back to visit ya.
(Owl sound)
Not you, henry.
Right now I'm
looking for maggie.
Have you seen her?
You're supposed to
be so doggone wise.
Where is she?
Well, davy crockett,
Say, you're
looking bushy as ever.
What's a matter,
What you scared of?
Don't you remember me?
Please, daisy,
Don't run away.
Oh, howdy, mr. Beaver,
It's me, elly.
What you kicking
snow at me for?
Oh, please, mr. Beaver,
Come back.
Hi, mr. Foxy,
It's me, elly.
Come back.
Mr. Clampett,
I certainly appreciate you
Letting me use your cabin
as a field headquarters.
I've got a few
things in the bedroom.
I'll get them out.
Oh, there's no need for you
to do that, mr. Brewster.
We're just gonna be
here a couple of days.
Granny and elly
can use the bedroom,
And you and me
can kinda curl up
Here in front of the fire.
That's mighty kind
of you, mr. Clampett,
But I'll finda
place to stay in town.
No need for you to drive
All that way through the snow.
You're here,
you're by the oil field
And, granny
cooks up a big meal
That really
sticks to your ribs.
What you cooking
tomorrow, granny?
My special christmas
holiday vittles.
We'll start with red cabbage
And green turnip tops
Swimming with sorghum.
Then what I call
my "heavenly hash,"
That's grits
and chitlins,
Possum belly,
Hog jowls,
And catfish
All minced together
And simmered in gopher gravy.
And poke tallcake.
Mmm.
Now there's vittles you
won't forget in a hurry.
I'll try.
What do you say mr. Brewster?
If the floor is too hard,
We'll get some,
Pine bows and ashes
for you to sleep on.
Oh, i, I think
I'll go into town,
Thank you very much.
Excuse me.
What's the
matter with you two
Asking him to stay here?
You want me to be
a widow all my life?
I was gonna offer
him my spare room.
You ain't got no
spare room, pearl.
I have, if jethro stays here.
If mr. Brewster stays
with you and jethrene,
Won't, won't people talk?
I hope so.
Then jed can insist
on him marrying me.
If 'm gonna get
him, now's my chance.
Don't directly hold with
making a man get married,
Unless he wants to.
He wants to.
Why, that man's
so in love with me
He can't eat.
Yeah, but are you in
love with him, pearl?
Oh, jed,
When I'm near him,
I feel like my feet
is dangling in a creek,
And the minnows
is biting at my toes.
That's what you call
really being in love.
Help her, jed.
Mrs. Bodine, if you'd
like a ride into town,
I can drop you off
On my way to the hotel.
Hotel,
Why, you can't stay there.
Well, no, sirree.
You sure can't.
Why not?
Why not, jed?
Why not, pearl?
Why not?
There's a convention there.
Yeah.
Every room in
that hotel is full up.
They're packed in there
like kraut in a jar.
What kind of convention?
Elks convention.
That hotel is
bulging with elks.
Oh, well,
Perhaps I can finda
room in a boarding house.
You know anybody got
a spare room, granny?
No, I don't.
Do you, jed?
Well, let's see now,
Only spare room
I know of around here
Is over to your house, pearl.
Why, lands of mercy,
I plum forgot, yes.
My spare room.
What spare room, ma?
We ain't got a...
Ow.
Jethro,
why don't you run out
And fetch some wood.
I just brought some wood in.
What spare room, ma?
We ain't got no...
Ow.
You best run
there along outside
And get the kinks
out of that leg.
I ain't got no
kinks in my leg.
It's just that
ma just keeps...
Ow.
Son, if you're
gonna play hopscotch,
You go outside.
The house ain't
for playing games.
But, I ain't playing games.
And go chop me some wood.
I just chopped some wood.
Chop her some green wood.
She wants to smoke
a possum now get.
I just chopped some wood
and I put it right there.
I just put it right over
there in the corner.
Now, you come to
my house, mr. Brewster.
That spare room is yours.
Well, all right,
if it's not...
Why should I sleep
here on the floor?
I1got a room...
Ow.
He's given to
seizures in the leg,
Ain't he, granny?
I'll have him rub it
With some hot
possum grease tonight.
Yeah, well, let's get going?
Aunt pearl, would
you do me a big favor?
Why, of course,
elly may, what is it?
Would you take
this here fur coat?
Your mink?
For keeps?
I should would appreciate it.
It makes my friends in
the woods kinda skittish.
They must reckon [ll
be wearing them next.
Well, I don't
rightly know if can...
Go ahead and take it, pearl,
That is, if you don't mind
It's been wore once
or twice before.
Oh, not at all.
I'll tell you what.
Fll put it in
one of my hope chests,
And I'll wear it
on my honeymoon.
Say, mr. Clampett,
Isn't that an
awful big tree that,
That jethro's chopping down?
Hey, he's notching it
on the wrong side too.
Hey, jethro,
Quit notching that
tree on this side.
It's liable to fall
right down on the cabin.
(Everybody screaming}
look out everybody.
It missed us.
Praise the lord.
Well, the tree missed.
We can get up now.
Well, he might be
chopping another one.
Let's wait and see.
Maggie,
It's me, elly.
(Whistling)
(Crow sound)
Freddie,
You old rascal.
I know you've seen maggie.
If you'll go
and get her for me,
I'll give you something shiny.
What would you like?
How about this?
Okay?
There.
Go find maggie.
Smelly.
Hi there, smelly,
It's me, elly.
Good thing you didn't
see me in that mink coat.
You might've got riled at me.
If it's one friend
I don't want riled, it's you.
(Crow sounds)
Maggie, I knew
freddie would find you.
Maggie, I'm so
happy to see you.
I told you I'd
come and visit you
And here I am.
Elly?
Elly may, where are ya?
Over here, pa.
Now, don't you
be scared of pa.
He won't hurt you none.
Well, now, who is this?
This here is my
old friend, maggie.
You remember her.
Sure, I do.
Howdy, maggie.
Say, elly,
We's all going over
To aunt pearl's for supper
And after supper
we's all going over
To that movie
picture theater
Where pearl works.
Well, I'd a heap
rather stay here.
Well, pearl says
there's gonna be
A brand-new picture
from hollywood called,
"Ben-hur."
Well, who's in it?
According to pearl,
It's got the two
biggest actors there is,
Frances x. Bushman
And raymond navarro.
"D still
rather stay here, pa.
Now, we's all supposed to
kinda surround mr. Brewster
And brag on
pearl's piano playing
During the picture.
Well, jethro can
brag extra for me.
Jethro ain't gonna be there.
He'd just sit there all night
And complain about
mr. Brewster having his room.
Oh, come on, elly,
Don't you wanna help
pearl get a husband?
Okay, pa.
Bye, maggie.
But pa, ain't gonna
kiss maggie good-bye?
I don't reckon so.
Her husband
might not like it.
Come on, elly.
Come on, everybody.
Well, doggy!
Jethrene, there's
a picture of your ma.
Yeah, it says,
"In person,
Pearl bodine,
Wizard of the keyboard."
Oh, that means piani.
Hey, your name is
as big as ben-hur's.
I begged the manager
not to put that up,
But he says
it's a drawing card,
My playing during the picture.
During the picture?
Don't you have sound?
Loads of it,
Between the people
crunching popcorn
And crying
And reading
the titles out loud,
You got plenty of sound.
Everybody go on
in and sit down.
You're all on
complimentary passes.
Now, I gotta pop some corn
And sell tickets
Before I come in
and play the overture.
Mr. Brewster,
Do you ever in
all your born days
See a woman who
could do more things
Than my cousin, pearl?
She can cook,
Sew,
Keep house,
Play piani.
And no wonder
the men around here
Are just b*ating her
door down to propose,
But pearl's choicey.
She's waiting
for the right man.
Here comes aunt pearl.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Before our big
premier gets underway,
I know you'll wanna meet
The celebritys in
our audience tonight.
Now, a-settin' right
here in the front row
From tulsa, oklahoma
Is the field manager
Of the o.k. Oil company
What bought
cousin jed's swamp,
Mr. John brewster.
Who threw that tomato?
Come on.
Homer winch,
You get up there
And you clean off
that screen right now.
Ain't you shamed?
Yeah, pearl,
But I couldn't help myself.
I was just eat
up with jealousy.
I seen red.
I see it too
So clean off
the movie screen.
"Ben-hur" will look
like he's bleeding
Before the chariot
race ever starts.
Your excitin' when
you're mad, pearl.
Oh, get up there,
you old coot.
And now, folks,
You're gonna meet
a real live millionaire
And his family
All the way from
beverly hills, californy,
Your friends and my kinfolk,
The clampetts,
Jed,
Granny,
Elly may.
Folks,
Mighty nice
to be back here
With you again and,
Y'all invited to come
visit us in beverly hills.
We got plenty of room and,
Granny will whomp up a mess
of heavenly hash for you.
Jed, can I show 'em
my mink coat?
Sure, granny.
This here is
a genuine mink coat
Given to me by the banker.
Nobody get the wrong idea.
They ain't no
strings attached.
I'm still the same sweet girl
I was when I left here.
And now, folks,
I've got a real big
surprise for you.
As you know,
Those that can read,
The picture for
tonight is "ben-hur,"
And I have wrote and
composed a special song
In honor of the chariot race,
Which is the most
exciting part of the picture.
And this here special song
Is gonna be sung by
my daughter jethrene.
Take a bow, jethrene.
The song will be
sung in its entirety
During the chariot race,
And you can all
join in the chorus,
But seeing that homer winch
Ain't got the tomato
off the screen yet,
Jethrene will give you
a little sample right now.
(Singing)
a mighty long time ago,
Couple of thousands years,
In a town name of rome
Which is fer away from here,
A feller named ben-hur
Lived and went to school
And that young feller
Was a chariot driving fool.
Drive them horses, ben, ben,
Drive them horses, ben.
Drive them horses fast, ben,
Drive them fer to win.
Don't let that other rascal
Get ahead of you
Or he'll win the race
And that'll never do.
That's enough
for now, jethrene.
You'll hear the song again
During the chariot race
And everybody can
join in the chorus.
And now, during the
playing of the overture,
We invite your kind attention
To the advertisements,
Which will appear
on the screen.
I thank you.
All right, charlie.
(Singing)
don't let that other rascal
Get ahead of you
Or he'll win the race
And that'll never do.
Well, mr. Brewster,
what you think...
Where's mr. Brewster?
Dogged if I know.
I never felt him leave.
It serves you right, pearl,
That's what you get
For throwing
yourself atacity dude.
Homer.
Hush up.
Why, them fellas ain't nothing
but a bunch of playboys,
Just like bees flitting
from flower to flower,
Grabbing up the honey,
And then when your petals
is drooping they fly away.
Everybody can hear you.
I ain't ashamed
of what I got to say.
I love pearl bodine.
Hush up, homer.
Now, quiet down, homer,
You're making pearl blush.
Be my blushing bride, pearl,
Right here before
your kinfolk,
Your neighbors and ben-hur,
I'm asking you to marry me.
Get up off your knees,
You're making a
spectacle of yourself.
I caught him, ma.
He was sneaking
out the door,
And I caught him.
I was not sneaking.
I simply went outside
for a breath of fresh air.
Put him down.
You, wasn't running away
Was you, mr. Brewster?
No, of course not.
Everybody's invited over to
my house for apple cider.
Jed, wake up.
Jed...
You too, jethro, come on now.
Get out from
underfoot, both of you.
Granny, we was
up late last night.
Yeah, granny, we wanna sleep.
It ain't what you
want that makes you fat.
It's what you get.
Now, get up off that floor.
Hey!
Why you wanna do that fer?
Yeah, that's cold.
When I say get, you get.
The floor is cold and hard.
You're getting
soft from city life.
Now, get dressed,
Get washed and get packed.
Packed?
You heard what I said.
I ain't gonna spend
another night in this place,
Not with that wild
daughter of yourn.
I didn't sleep a wink.
Appears to me
like you're getting
A might soft
from city living too.
Time was when
you never minded
Sharing a bed with elly may.
I still don't mind sharing
a bed with elly may,
But I draw the line
When it comes to
sharing with them others.
What others?
Well, there was an owl
And a squirrel,
A crow,
And a fox,
A possum,
And a skunk
And a porcupine.
Well, I'll go
and speak to elly may.
I wouldn't go in
there if I were you,
Unless you want them
flannels took right off you.
What are you talking about?
Do you know where my
mink coat is right now?
Where?
In the top of a tree,
Full of baby eagles.
Granny.
Their momma and me
Fought for darn near
ten minutes for that coat,
But with them claws on her
She could geta
better purchase on it.
Took it flat out the window.
You've been at your
rheumatism medicine.
I ain't about to swallow
no story about an eagle.
Uncle jed, granny,
A great big ol'
eagle just snatched
The hat right off my head.
See what, I told you,
When a momma eagle
Wants to keep her babies warm,
She'll grab anything.
Somebody better help elly may
Hang on to her blankets,
"Cause that rascal
just flew in her window.
Freda, you hadn't
oughta took jethro's hat.
Never mind
about jethro's hat.
Ask her to bring back
granny's mink coat,
(Eagle sound)
Only if she
wants to, of course.
Freda, you bring
back granny's mink coat.
And if she's
took any suitcases,
See if you can
get them back too.
We's packing up.
Sit down.
(Doorbell)
Oh, excuse me a minute.
Good morning, pearl.
Homer winch, I told
you and I told you
Don't come into my house
without I invite you.
I happen to be here
In my official capacity
as a jitney driver.
I don't want no jitney.
Well, mr. Brewster does.
Don't say nothing
to mr. Brewster,
And I'll bake you two pies.
Pearl, there's only one
way you can seal my lips
And stop my jitney
And that's with a smack.
All right.
Not that kind,
I mean, witha kiss.
A kiss?
That's my price.
Take it or leave it.
Homer, why that's
the most shocking,
Disgusting, insulting...
Oh, mr. Brew...
Pearl?
Where'd you go, pearl?
Ma's coming and,
boy, is she a drivin'.
She must've heard
we is leaving.
Without getting her
married to mr. Brewster.
I reckon we's in for
a considerable bawling.
Ain't nobody can outcry ma
When she commences to gushing.
Pearl?
I reckon you's heard
We's going to beverly hills.
(Crying)
Oh, now, pearl,
you's bawling already.
Don't worry, pearl,
You'll get a feller.
Yeah, come on back to
beverly hills with us.
I can't.
All right, pearl, all right.
I can't fight a woman's tears.
We'll stay here
Until you
marry mr. Brewster.
Yeah, ma,
And I'll be your best man.
And you can wear
that beautiful mink coat
On your honeymoon.
(Crying)
Pearl, what are
you crying about now?
The mink coat.
What about it?
I was driving down the road
And a great big eagle took it
Right out of my lap.
Don't you worry.
Elly may?
Yeah, pa?
You shimmy up that tree
And tell that grabby eagle
To give you
back that mink coat
For pearl's honeymoon,
Or she ain't no
friend of yours.
(Eagle sound)
Only if she
wants to, of course.
Well, now it's
time to say goodbye
To jed and all his kin,
And they would
like to thank you folks
For kindly dropping in.
You're all invited
back next week
To this locality,
To have a heapin' helpin'
Of their hospitality.
Hillbilly that {s,
Set a spell,
Take your shoes off.
Y'all come back now, y' hear.