05x01 - A Little Kiss, Part 1

[bunniefuu]

O-wee-o, o-wee-o.

We got the poverty. Where is the dough?

O-wee-o, o-wee-o.

We got the poverty. Where is the dough?

Shut up!

Get a job!

Somebody call the cops?

That's all there is,
cops, and negroes, and priests.

You're walking in a circle.

It must be hot out there.

What are you doing?

You hit one.

Hey, watch the work.

To the men's room.

Less promises, more money!

Do you know somebody's
throwing water bombs out your windows?

What are you talking about?

Everybody saw it was coming
from this floor.

We all saw it.

This is the executive floor.
That's utterly ridiculous.

Don't you call us ridiculous.

Is this what Madison Avenue represents?

And they call us savages.

What are you doing up?

I thought this was the bathroom.

It's down there.

Okay.

You want breakfast?

Happy birthday.

Oh, thank you.

We should wait for his cake.

We're not gonna be here
on his actual birthday.

Thank you.

It's from all of us.

We'll go to the deli for dinner tonight
and have cherry cheesecake.

Open it now.

Yes, ma'am.

- Can I turn the bacon?
- No.

I love it.

- Good morning, everybody.
- Morning.

- Hi, Megan.
- Hi.

That's so nice.

He needs one of those.

It's a badger, from its tail.

- What are we doing today?
- We're going to the Statue of Liberty.

You always say that, but we never do.

You hungry?

Just black coffee for me.

Okay, everybody.

Have a happy birthday.

Thank you, Sals.

How old are you gonna be?

Forty.

So, when you're 40, how old will I be?

You'll be dead.

We're not gonna see you next weekend,

but we'll see you the weekend after.

- That's the 11th.
- If you say so.

You'll be 70.

That's right.

You're not gonna come in?

No, but give Morticia and Lurch my love.

Flick the porch light
when you get there, all right?

- AII right.
- Good night, animals.

Say good night, honey.

Good night, Daddy.

Get your brother's hand.

Bye.

You're losing your head there.

Dandruff.

It's spit-up.

I saw your wife dropping you off.

Such a sweet scene.

Yes.

She has quite a smile.

She's getting back to herself.

How old is the kid?

I thought it would be a little faster.

Does she cry all the time?

No.

She just...

There was a time when she wouldn't
leave the house in a robe.

Listen, there's a point

when you go from going home
on the 5:25 to the 7:05.

If you finally learn how to drive,
you can push it to 9:30.

You're getting the wrong impression.

Or not come home at all.

Beth and I got into it so bad
the other night,

I just jumped in the car and drove.

Made it all the way
to some motel in Rocky Hill.

Put my fist through a wall.

Howard, don't get emotional again.

Maybe she's right.

Maybe I am a little selfish.

I said I needed time with my thoughts.

She asked me what I do at work all day.

They don't understand.

Greenwich. Next stop,
Greenwich, Port Chester, Rye...

Who am I kidding?
It's nothing a little peace wouldn't fix.

There you go.

Morning.

Of course. I'll let him know.

- Was that for me?
- No.

- Who was it?
- Really?

Fine. What's Don up to today?

I see a lot of napping and pillow talk.

That's your schedule.

You all had the status meeting
20 minutes ago.

Can't you sit over there once in a while?

What if I have someone
important coming in?

When you have somebody come in,
I will sit over there.

Here, why don't you buy yourself

a fancy hat or a mask or something?

No, thank you.

AII I'm asking for is a few hours a day

where the world might mistake you
for my secretary.

Joan said you were supposed to share.

And his phone rings more.

Joan's not here.
And you just took $50 from me.

Let your conscience be your guide.

That feels good.

That feels so much better.

Yeah.

I was right. Somebody was very wet.

When you were that size,
I used to change you every hour

whether you needed it or not.

I don't know how many times
I have to say this.

Those go in the cabinet in the hallway.

I'm sorry.

I thought it'd be easier
if they were near your bathroom.

I didn't mean it that way.

I haven't slept.

And I just feel cooped up in here.

I think it's bad for Kevin to be out there
until I'm done cleaning the oven, the fumes.

I don't know why you had to do that
on a hot summer day.

Anyway, I think we're about
to run out of formula.

I'll get your purse.

Hello.

Hello, you. We're gonna take a nap.
Would you like that?

You want to lay in the bed with Mommy?

A ten?

You buying his formula or yours?

I'll take him for a walk.

Oh, God, would you?

You're gonna go with Grandma Gail.
That's where you're gonna go.

Close the door.

How was everybody's weekend?

Great. We all went waterskiing together.

- Made a human pyramid.
- I was here.

Splendid. So, I trust you're adequately
prepared for the Heinz presentation.

Yes, boss. We have almost everything.

Just short Mrs. Draper's work.
She's writing the coupons.

Has Don signed off?

He's late, and so is she, coincidently.

Clara.

Clara!

She should have just rolled over and said,
"Don, what do you think of this?"

I bet she says that every morning.

Come on, it's 11:00.

- No sunbathing?
- No.

Look, we had a three-day weekend
and you didn't do anything?

That's not my calendar.

Clara.

How was your weekend?

- Clara, is Mr. Draper in yet?
- No.

You're late for the status meeting.

You should probably go prepare
instead of molesting my secretary.

Well, sweetheart, the t*rture's over.
Let the fun begin.

My office is 30 yards away.

So when I hit that buzzer,
I'm trying to save myself

a trip through the miracle of telephonics.

Mr. and Mrs. Draper are here.

- Good morning.
- So sorry, we overslept.

That's not true. I did.

How was Memorial Day?

It was nice. We had my kids.

You had the status meeting at 10:00.

- Morning.
- Good morning.

Did you read about Y&R's paper bag drop?

I did.

- I don't see the humor.
- It's funny.

I mean, if nothing else,
it serves them right for stealing Pond's.

And what does one thing
have to do with the other?

They stole the Pond's account,
and now they're a laughingstock.

Makes me feel better.

Gentlemen, shall we mosey on over
to the conference room?

We did have a meeting at 10:00.

Morning, Lane, clipboard.

We should run a want ad
saying something like,

"Sterling Cooper,
an equal opportunity employer."

"Our windows don't open."

As tempting as it sounds,

I don't know if we need to be
spending money

to further their embarrassment.

Look, if there's no line item
for humiliating the competition,

Don will write it and I'll pay for it.

But you're not allowed to read it.

Forget the want ads.
The advertising column.

I want them to see it.

So, Heinz is coming in. Don?

Yes. Caroline, can you get Megan
and the Heinz boards, please?

- Do you want the team?
- No.

- What else?
- Status is status quo on my end.

I'm supposed to have drinks
with Bruce Lewis from Oldsmobile.

He wants to know
if there's a way around Nader.

There isn't. Anything else?

Lane?

I have a lunch at the 4As,

so I should be back in time,
but not necessarily conscious.

And according to the memo,
Kenny finally has signatures

from Chevalier, Galone, and Butler Shoes.

Footwear. AII good news.

I suppose that brings
this meeting to a close.

Don, may I speak with you privately?

I should take a look at these right away.

Mr. Campbell.

I have a call of nature.

Do not begin this meeting without me.

When is he free next?

You obviously haven't seen my coupons yet.

- Let's get out of here.
- No.

Then lock the door.

As soon as I'm in here
longer than five minutes,

people will start to...

What? Who?

I have to get these to Peggy.

You have a presentation, you know.

I could make you go home right now,
you know. I have that power.

Mr. Campbell is here to see you.

I just saw him.

I have to get back to work.

Open your blouse.

You're a dirty old man.

- Anything else?
- No, ma'am.

I'm sorry. Am I interrupting?

I asked for your first available meeting,

and it turns out
you have nothing to do today.

If you could have any client in the world,
who would you want?

- American Airlines.
- Why?

- Because they stood us up.
- Right.

So, I started thinking,
who has those feelings about us?

Mohawk Airlines.

You were very close.

The company's in a lot of trouble.

It's very nice that things have not gone well
since we cut them loose.

They want to come back?

After the way we treated them...

So, that American Airlines thing
isn't happening?

- I, for one, am very excited.
- Oh, me, too.

I just don't understand
the secrecy or the urgency.

I'm meeting with them today,
and I think you should drop by.

Hank Lammott hit me pretty hard
on his way out the door.

I may not help.

Don, you're the big draw.

They're not going to ask for someone else.

Look, get through this,
get them back for more,

and I'll make time in my busy schedule.

Got it.
I'll let you know when I need you to...

It's a good idea.

Can I get some coffee?

Oh, Megan, you're here.

I took a risk on one of them.
"Two for 22 cents."

Nice.

Of course, we're really locked into
the five-cents off, but good thinking.

Stan, can you do something to these?

Like what?

I don't know.

Do that thing with the border
around the edge,

so it kind of looks like legal tender,

with the can of beans
where Washington goes.

You want me to put a little wig on him?

Play with it.

Drop dead.

Keep asking me to be
more and more specific

until you're drawing it yourself.

- Do you want me to move?
- Oh, no, no.

- I'm just looking for gum.
- Oh, I have some.

So, I have to ask your opinion
about something.

You did a great job,

but I can't really go overboard on coupons.

I did that kind of baloney for two years.

You should take comfort in the fact
that it's very important to the client.

Too important.

No, it's something else.

Tomorrow's Don's birthday.

Oh, sh*t. It's June 1 st?

I forgot.

Got to get him something.

I still haven't gotten you
a wedding present.

Sorry. You know how busy I've been.

No, it's just...

I'm throwing a party for him on Saturday.

It's a surprise.

Oh, okay.

For Don?

Yes.

Men hate surprises.

Didn't you have Lucy in Canada?

Look, nobody likes it in theory,
but people are always glad.

And you've never seen me throw a party.

Everyone's going to go home from this
and they're gonna have sex.

Okay.

Sounds like fun for us at least.

I mean, if I'm invited.
I don't want to assume.

You're invited. I'm not sure who else is.

I went through his Rolodex.

I crossed out all the clients
and everyone he's fired.

That doesn't leave a lot of people.

Freddy Rumsen doesn't come to parties.

You have to invite Harry.

I know, but he really doesn't like him.

Really?

I didn't say anything.

- Frank Keller, his accountant?
- He likes him.

There are six phone numbers
for Herman Phillips.

- Is he important?
- That's Duck.

What birthday is it?

How'd he do?

He was fussy the whole time.

But the elevator always knocks him out.

It must be the vibration.

Who would have thought
you'd be so good at this?

You'll be good at it, too, sweetheart.

What am I going to do when you go home?

Are you really going back to that office?

- You worked.
- I had to.

Your husband's a doctor.

It doesn't matter.

I promised, and they need me.

I'm not saying you're not important to them,

but they also know that priorities change.

- They should, anyway.
- Why are you doing this?

You don't know
how sick you're going to feel inside

or what you're going to miss.

What he's doing now, that's nothing.

- Just wait.
- I know, I know.

I just...

I don't want to break my promise.

And Greg will be stationed
at Fort Dix for a second year.

I can commute from New Jersey.

And then?

And then, when he's done,

we'll see.

Joan, he's not going to allow you to work.

Allow me?

Whither thou goest, I will go.

And how did that work out for you?

Pete Campbell. Late as usual.

He obviously didn't come in
on a Mohawk plane.

Hank. Jack.

You're not late.
Roger told us to come early.

Have a seat. You're only one behind,
but they're nuclear.

Roger, they're looking for you
back in the office.

It'll keep.

We were just laughing about Y&R.

It couldn't have happened
to a better bunch of bigots.

Roger, it's an emergency.

Really?

Oh, come on. We just got started.

AII right, all right. Sorry, fellas.

Heavy is the head that wears the crown.

You don't want me to fly copilot
or be your wingman?

Check your valises?
Hold your airsickness bag?

Do you want me to throw one
into the bag you're in?

You enjoy yourself, then.
Garçon, assume that these are gone.

I should warn you about these two.
They're a thirsty lot.

Always a pleasure.

When you're done with him, just fold him up
and slide him under the door.

I love that guy.

And so we take advantage
of this new microphotography

and high-speed camera to show...

A bean ballet.

Spinning in air
with their delicious perfection,

the beans pirouette in slow motion,
they somersault in slow motion.

Some of them spin clockwise,
some counter-clockwise

so they'll appear to be
moving towards each other.

Until...

They drop into a full can,
first seen from the top.

There's a splash of mouth-watering sauce
as each one lands.

Then we cut to the front, the iconic label.

"The art of supper."

Have you done this before,
this special photography?

It's been done before,
but you'll be the first on TV.

How do they get the beans to do that?
They can't just get lucky.

This camera can show
a b*llet spinning in midair.

Where's the bite and smile?

Ken, you said there'd be
a bite and smile on the phone.

I think I said there was going
to be a bean ballet, Raymond,

but I'm sure we can add that.

And what do they take away from it?

It puts beans on their mind.

It's an unforgettable image.
And believe it or not, it makes them exciting.

And it'll show you have a sense of humor

because, really, they're being portrayed
as far more important than they are.

You ever see beans up close?

They're slimy.
They look like a bunch of bloody organs.

And it's not just for fellas like me
that saw things in Korea.

Kidney beans are called kidney beans
because they're shaped that way.

But you could call all beans that.

They look better in a group, in a bowl.

Hell, what's wrong with a spoon?

Don.

- Well, hello, Don.
- Hello, Raymond.

Good to see you.
Are you as excited about this as we are?

I don't know.

You said to be bold.
Nothing on TV is going to look like this.

And just imagine seeing one of
these dancing beans on the subway wall.

People will hear the music in their heads.

Look, it's very artistic.

And I want to be bold,

but this isn't what I had in mind

when I was talking about
a new generation of consumers.

The ketchup kids,
are they even going to notice this?

I mean, that waltz alone
reminds me of old people.

Maybe I wasn't clear.

This is temporary music. We can change it.

It's got no message.

I can see your point.

Beans...

Is the w*r, the Depression, b*mb shelters.

We have to erase that.

They have to be cool.
Don, you know what I'm talking about.

I want the kids in college.

It's convenient. They have the hot plate.
They're sitting in.

Okay. We'll work on that.

Maybe it's someone with a picket sign
saying, "We want beans."

You know what, Raymond?
This is ourjob from here on out.

We'll make you happy.

I'm really sorry about that.

Please, this is a process.

Let me walk you out.

What else you got?

That was the best thing so far.

Unless you like this beans protest.

Please, you can't be surprised that,
that man doesn't have a taste for ballet.

It's a joke on ballet.

And you can't be surprised
he doesn't have a sense of humor.

I'm not, but I guess
I thought you'd come in here

and tell them how good it was.

Do I really want to waste an hour and a half
shoving it down his throat,

only to have him pull the plug
at the last minute?

This is business
that came in over the transom.

We didn't pitch it.

He has every right to make us work for it.

I wish I would have known that.
I would have saved this for round two.

We'll get him next time.

Caroline.

Is he in?

He's gone for the day.

Damn it. Clara.

Clara!

Oh, my goodness. What happened?

- You want me to get some tissue?
- No.

I want you to tell me
why Roger Sterling was at my meeting.

- I don't know.
- I know.

Because he hovers over your desk
like a damn U-2.

- What?
- You think he's looking at your breasts?

He's looking at my calendar.

- Did she hit you?
- Thank you, Clara.

You've done enough damage for today.

You need to lower your voice. Have a drink.

No, no more drinks.

Heinz looked miserable.

They're making us work for it.
Don didn't seem worried.

Did you crash with Mohawk?

No, it was perfect.

Except for my deep nausea
and impending headache.

Oh, and Roger made an appearance.

Well, that shows it's a good lead.

It's my lead.

Wasn't Roger in the service
with Henry Lammott?

Did you do any rowing?

- You rowed?
- I was a coxswain.

The boat moves because
everyone pulls in the same direction.

I'm not supposed to worry about Roger.
I'm supposed to worry about other agencies.

You shouldn't be worried at all.
Business is stable.

Stable is that step backwards
between successful and failing.

Fine, Pete.

Just don't be impatient.

You know how this works from here on out.

We start with a bunch of piddly sh*t,

your Topaz, your White Knight Cologne,

we add your mid-sized stuff,
maybe Mohawk.

We still got Vicks, that's big.

Next, we worm our way
into a few niche companies,

get something sexy
in a good neighborhood,

a pharmaceutical.

Maybe if God is gracious, a car.

And then, we go public.

Open an office in Buenos Aires,

and Elvis plays at Tammy's sweet 16.

Kenny Cosgrove writes
another great American novel.

You know it didn't hurt
to have Roger warm them up.

There's no one better
at turning a meeting into a bender.

And they love his pickled guts.

Am I going to see you
at Chez Draper on Saturday?

I wish I could get overtime for it.

You ready?

We're almost done, actually.

Do you need her?

No, it's okay. It'll be here in the morning.

Great.

Big weekend plans?

It's Tuesday. I don't know.

I was talking about me.
My cousin's coming in.

Stan, assume that you're working.

Good night.

You're amazing.

It could have been worse.

I almost said, "I'm
sorry I can't make it."

You're not going?

No, my cousin's on shore leave.
He's only got two days.

A little notice would have been nice.

I would have loved to have seen
the look on Don's face.

You almost just saw it.

Like we have nothing else to do.

Did you believe him in there?

The guy didn't like it.
What was he supposed to say?

What he usually says.

"Hey, buddy, you got such great ideas,
open your own agency."

The clients are right all of a sudden?
I don't recognize that man.

He's kind and patient.

And it galls you.

No, it concerns me.

Where are you going?

I've got tickets to the bean ballet
and the curtain's about to go up.

Never gets old.

You're home late.

I thought I was going
to have to walk home from the station,

but luckily there was
a cab driver leaving a bar.

How was your day?

I didn't want to disturb you.

This becomes a home
the minute you walk through that door.

There's no fruit to my labor, Tweety.

Well, I suppose none of this counts.

An acre of land, a wife, a child.

That has nothing to do with work.

I'm ungrateful.

I'm sorry.

Dissatisfaction is a symptom of ambition.

It's the coal that fuels the fire.
You know that.

Do you really want a dog?

Maybe just a beagle to scare off gophers.

We'll see.

Oh, luckily my parents
can baby-sit Saturday.

Now, tell me the truth.
Did Megan really just invite you today?

She did. I don't know about everyone else.

Well, she's very impulsive. We know that.

I have to go to bed.
Tammy will be up in a hour.

Go ahead.

Attention, party guests.

Hello.

We're T-minus five minutes or so.

So, if we can bring things down
to a sotto voce,

that would help.

I'm gonna turn off the lights.

No!

Well, fine. Just keep it down.

My God, is he q*eer.

He reminds me of Lane's brother.

Finally.

We're gonna go inside in a second.

You're the one that dragged me
out of the restaurant.

Come on.

You have to knock.
You have to knock to get in.

What if it's started already?

It doesn't matter if it's started,
you still have to knock.

No.

We were just in the neighborhood.

And my mother always said
never show up empty-handed.

Oh, damn it.

No.

Surprise!

Sorry, I blew it in the hall.

But I am very surprised.

Don.

I have to say that I am honored and touched

to be included in this group of intimates.

And I predicted this, did I not?

This.

Who is this?

Oh, that's my wife.

Hi.

- Nice to meet you.
- Charmed.

The domino theory is not a joke.

The Vietnamese are fighting a civil w*r.

There is no monolithic communism.

- It's an excuse.
- Really?

Come on, Bert. It's for profit.

Bombs are the perfect product.

They cost a fortune
and you only use them once.

So, I suppose this young man here
is coming home in a bag for nothing.

If he's lucky.
You ever read Johnny Got His g*n?

No eyes, no ears, no nose,
tapping out his last wishes in Morse Code

with his deformed head.

I thought there were going to be girls here.

For purely selfish reasons,
I want to thank you for excluding Joan.

I would have had to buy earplugs
for the ride home.

It wasn't up to me. Can't you tell?

Hell of a party. Jennifer couldn't make it.

- I'm sorry to hear that.
- No, she couldn't get a date.

Anyway, I know she said no gifts,
but I got you this.

Open it.

You don't have to if you don't want to.

It's a silver-handled walking stick.

Oh, look, he got you a cane.

Don Ameche has one.
It's a Steinway walking stick.

You could stick it up your ass
and have a concert.

Thank you very much.

Oh, my God, really?

A n*gro h*m*, a Canadian sexpot,
and unaccompanied redhead.

I think this may be my key demographic.

Don't. Just leave it alone.

I know.

You're wondering
what they're laughing about.

It's not you.

Well, I, for one, think
you're very brave, Megan.

My mother always said

a woman should surprise
her husband every day.

That's why they had no lock on the WC.

It's true.

Look at you delivering drinks.
We should get you a pair of roller skates.

Roger, I didn't know you were invited.

Or did you just hear I was coming
and show up?

Is he going bald?

It just goes on and on.

It's beautiful, but it's very loud.

Listen, you can hear the traffic
even over this party.

I know.

Who cares? I just want to take my pants off
and slide my ass on the carpet.

How's the summer treating you?

Well, it's been good because it's been bad.

What do you do exactly?

He's a journalist.

Underground papers mostly.

You may not have seen it.

And what exactly has been bad?

Well, I don't know.
Four riots in three cities in two months.

It is terrible. And Lord knows
the police aren't much help.

I was raised sex, politics,
and religion aren't party talk.

Well, what does that leave?

I don't know. Alcohol and work?

Hello again.

Trudes, which one is Jane Sterling again?

The glamour puss with the tan.

Marry early and often.

We're thinking about smoking some tea
with Megan's friends out there.

- Will you keep an eye out for Don?
- As long as you're just thinking about it.

You should join us.
Kenny gets brave and recites poems.

And she thinks they're good.

Oh, absolutely.

Megan was the best waitress they ever had.

No, but I did get the best tips.

- How did you manage that?
- She laid on that accent.

You know, she's a really good actress.

Not good enough, obviously.

- Julia, come here for a second.
- Hello there.

Hello.

- Glad you could come.
- Great party.

You got a great spread here.

I just wanted to make sure we said hi.

I can't stay that long.
I have to go back and redo the Heinz pitch.

But I guess you know that.

Come on, Don.

What are you doing?

Was that bad?

Hell, look who you're talking to.
How do I know?

Okay, everyone. My friends.

First of all, I wanted to
thank you all for coming.

And second of all,

I think I've had just enough to drink

that I'm ready to give my own present
to the birthday boy.

Thank you. Thank you all for coming.

I think we should call it a night.

Absolutely not, Don.

You stay there.

Did you buy him a pony?

Happy birthday, baby.

Why don't you sing like that?

Why don't you look like him?

Je m'appelle Roger.

If I may raise a glass.

Happy birthday, Don!

As I was saying.

To Megan,

for letting us see the Don Draper smile
usually reserved for clients.

Hear, hear!

And to Don,

you lucky so and so.

As a wise man once said,

the only thing worse
than not getting what you want

is someone else getting it.

Okay, now, no one has
called and complained,

so there's no reason
everyone shouldn't dance.

I should probably clean up.

Leave it for the girl.

She doesn't come till Monday.

Call her and have her come tomorrow.

And Monday.

Problem solved.

Did you have fun?

Move over.

No, I just want to sleep.

Oh, come on.

I know you had a good time. I can see it.

I don't want to talk.
I just want to go to sleep.

Hey.

Don't waste money on things like that.

It was my money,

and you don't get to decide
what I do with it.

Well, could you please not use it
to embarrass me again?

What?

I know why you're upset.

You're 40.

I've been 40 for half a year.

When is that gonna stop?
Only you know that.

This is your birthday now.

Fine,

I don't like my birthday.

I told you, I never had it
when I was growing up and

I've never wanted it since.

You never had a birthday?

Didn't Betty ever throw you a party?

No, because I forbid it.

Why?

I don't need to be the center of attention.

You love attention.

You twitched every time
I talked to another person.

More people feel the way I do
than the way you do.

Where's your research?

Fine, I'm 40.

It's too late.

Nobody loves d*ck Whitman.

I love you.

That's why I threw you a party.

I'm going to sleep.

You can do what you want.

Excuse me. Someone's left...

There's a wallet here
from some previous passenger.

I'll turn it in to dispatch.
They got a lost and found.

There's close to $100.

Yeah, it happens all the time.

I'd feel better if I saw to its return.

You're putting me in a jam here.
The guy's gonna call looking for it.

That's me.

You know what?
You do what you got to do, mister.

That's for you.

High tides and heavy surf

battered the coast of North Carolina today.

Force 20 winds and
heavy rain forced evacuation

along the coast as far
inland as three miles.

That was quite a soiree.

Did Masters and Johnson come in yet?

They haven't passed by.

I should come and sit down
so I can see them slink in, in shame.

You seem to be in fine spirits.

Well, I didn't get into
too much trouble on Saturday.

Plus, Mohawk called me
at home this morning.

I hate to interrupt, Mr. Pryce,
but I have your wife.

- Which line?
- Three.

- It's blinking.
- They're all blinking.

Three.

- If you don't mind.
- I've called a partners' meeting.

Hello, dearest.

Look, I know you were upset when you left,

and perhaps I'm overreacting.

Becca, dear,

this is why I don't like you
opening the mail.

I only want to ensure
that Nigel is enrolled in the fall.

Nigel's enrollment isn't an issue
whether we pay now or not.

Then why would they attach
such a threatening letter to a bill?

Wouldn't you rather have your money
in June than September if you were them?

Well, I worry about them
saving his spot for him,

especially with his marks.

I assure you that St. Paul's is aware
that we plan on having him return

and simply wishes to earn
whatever interest they can

on the full amount
for the next three months.

Couldn't you spare that interest
in exchange for my peace of mind?

Lane, darling?

What? I'm sorry. I didn't get that last bit.

Nothing.

Don't forget to get the name
of Megan's real estate agent.

Yes, dear.

And her decorator.

Apolo, you're so good with him.

I wasn't expecting you back so soon.

First in line at the post office.
It wasn't that bad.

Hello, Miss Joan.

Sink is draining.

Turns out it was a lemon peel.

I'm sure you know we're appreciative,
but Mother and I have so much to do.

I am busy, busy, too.

You don't have to rush off.

He doesn't have to rush off, does he?

When you need Apolo, you call Apolo.

Miss Joan.

I want him to hear. That was just rude.

It is one thing to have him work here,

it is another thing
to give him cake and my baby.

His fingers have been in every toilet
from here to the Bowery.

He brought the cookies.

If you want to go on a date with him,
just ask.

He's married with four children.

I'm just making sure
this apartment gets his attention.

This apartment has never had any trouble
getting his attention.

Yes, Joanie. Everyone's staring at you.

You know you're not exactly
at your fighting weight.

Try me.

You asked me to come out here.

You can go home any time you want.

You should think before you say that.

I got my money's worth.

Well, I wasn't going to show you this.

That doesn't make any sense.

Look, I'm sure it's not the way
anyone wants you to find out.

No, it's not in the want ads.

And, honestly, they don't have
the money for more people.

It's not more people. It's you.

You love stirring the sh*t.

I am telling you something
you don't want to hear,

and you are making this very painful for me.

Megan Draperjust invited me to her party.

At the very last minute.
Don't tell me that girl's not conniving.

You think she wants you
around her husband?

I'm going to lie down.

Sometimes life makes decisions for you.

- Have a good day.
- Okay.

I know your birthday was last week,

and I was told you don't celebrate it
and not to bring it up.

Now I feel like I got caught
with my pants down,

so I got you a little something.

It's a plant.

I just wanted to say happy birthday.

Kiss-ass.

Thank you.

I can get you some coffee,
but there's a partners' meeting.

- Nobody's there.
- It's in Mr. Campbell's office.

- You want to smile?
- Is it your obituary?

No, it's the little salt
we rubbed in Y&R's wound.

It's beautiful, no?

- That's Mr. Campbell.
- Shall we?

What?

We don't make fun of
each other's wives here. Understood?

Come on, I wasn't making fun of her.
I was making fun of you.

- You're happy.
- I am.

Well, I want you to be happy.

Somebody should be.

You know, two weeks ago,

Jane asked me, "Which one's Mussolini?"

No, it's good. She's a great girl.

They're all great girls.
At least until they want something.

Let's go.

They're just leaving now.

What, did they stop for a drink?

Well, why don't you get off your rear,
find them, and tell them I'm about...

They're here.

Gentlemen, if you could slide over a bit.

- A marvelous fete.
- Oh, yes.

I have instructions from Trudy
to thank both of you.

- Why are we meeting in here?
- Why are we here?

Please, don't smoke in here.
I spent the morning choking on the train.

So, Mohawk is coming in.
I've brought them in.

- What do you know about that?
- That's great news.

- When?
- I don't know.

AII I was thinking is that
I bring Henry and Jack in here

to this very gathering of individuals,
but I have one question.

Where are they going to sit?

I mean, what kind of impression
does this space give you?

Do you gaze upon
the cement column and think,

"Yes, I believe success for me
and my company dwells here."

Why don't you take them
to the conference room?

Because it's not that meeting.

Fine, we'll have it in my office.

This does not involve you, Roger.

Nor does Vicks, Playtex,
Life cereal, Samsonite,

Sugarberry Ham, Secor Laxative.

Need I go on?

What are you suggesting?

He's suggesting
that you give him your office.

- No, he's not.
- Yes, I am.

Well, forget it.

Where am I supposed to conduct business?

In the crapper, for all I care.

I'm a full partner and you're a junior,
so sorry, Charlie, but them's the breaks.

Gentlemen, I'm sure we can find
an equitable solution to this.

- There's no need for a row.
- You're right.

I say we put it to a vote.

I say we step outside.

I didn't think so.

Good work on Mohawk.

Thank you, but I'm dead serious about this.

I have too much responsibility
and too much business

to apply my skills in this environment.

You all know it.

We'll buy more space.

- If we're handing out offices...
- Absolutely not.

I can't extend our credit line any further.

It'll work itself out.

Congratulations.

When are they coming in?

I'm still not sure they should,
considering the situation.

Great party, Don.

Absolutely.

I couldn't sleep.

Those tits and that mouth.

She's such a sex kitten.

That whole dance. How did he just sit there?

You can't stand up
once you get in that condition.

I would have. I would have just stood up
and grabbed her little French behind

and pushed her
through those cheap post-w*r walls.

- Hi, Megan.
- Very funny.

God, what I would do to her.

Like what, for example?

I'll tell you what.

I would love to see those heels
on my shoulder.

"Je voudrais mas Harry."

Good morning.

Great party.

Thrilled to be included.
Jennifer was very jealous.

I think I'm gonna die.

You could have warned me.

I did.

I have the owner of the wallet
returning your call.

Thank you.

- Hello.
- Hello, Mr. Pryce.

I'm calling for Alex Polito.

- And who is this?
- This is his girl, Delores.

Well, when he comes into the office,

I think I should speak with him personally.

I'm not his secretary. I'm his girl.

I'm like his wife,
but I can't call myself that.

You don't sound happy about that.

- Excuse me?
- I'm married myself.

Good for you. What's her name?

Rebecca. Rebecca Pryce. Well, obviously.

- That's a pretty name.
- I suppose so.

She enjoys it.

Do you think she's home right now,
lying in bed, talking to a stranger?

I should hope not.

So, you have Alex's wallet?

Yes, I do.

- And where are you?
- I'm at my offices in Midtown.

Are you in big business?

Excuse me?

Are you in a big office building?

Yes.

That's why I don't have the luxury
of lying around at 11:00 in my underthings.

I didn't tell you that part.

You didn't say I was incorrect, either.

Where the hell are you from?

You sound like Cary Grant.

I told you, Midtown.

Why don't I...

Listen, I really should return this,
you know, the wallet.

I could slip it in the post or...

Of course, you know,
that has its disadvantages.

There's a bit of cash here.

Or I could hand-deliver it.

Is this a current address?

I don't know.

I don't know if that would be proper.

No, of course.

Why don't you meet me
at my place of business?

I'll give you the address
or have my secretary help you.

Yeah. Why don't we do that?

And I'll come by when I can.

Well, I'll be here the rest of my life.

Just a minute.

I look forward to it.

Why not?

Toodle-oo.

That's cute.

Scarlett, would you give this woman
directions to our office?

She's on line three.

Mr. Crane, Mr. Sterling
has requested you in his office.

Is there a meeting?

He just came over here, said
he needed to see you, and walked away.

- Why didn't he come in?
- I don't know.

He knows you're in there.

Okay. Okay.
Did you see him talking to Megan or Don?

I've been working.

- What did you do?
- Nothing!

You wanted to see me?

I did. Come in, have a seat.

No, that's okay.

I think you should have a seat.

Okay.

Now,

I think you know that we like to
think of this place as a family.

And there are certain ways a family behaves.

What did she say?
You have to hear my side of it.

Your side of what?

What... Nothing.

You're always up to something,
aren't you, Crane?

It was an honest mistake
and I consider myself reprimanded.

Great.

I was thinking Pete could take your office.

Really?

Look, I will apologize face to face,

as horrible as that will be,
but I think you're...

There's no reason to let me go.

You're not getting fired.

And what the hell did you do?

I made fun of Zou Bisou.

So did I.

Is that a crime? No.

I tried to get Jane to talk to me
in that accent. Nothing doing.

She doesn't speak French.
She doesn't like me.

I went home after and
Jennifer didn't know what was coming.

- I was like...
- I don't want to hear that.

No, of course you don't. Why would you?

Look, I think you can understand
that Pete needs a bigger office.

And just between you, me,
and the window washer,

it's been decided that you should trade.

- Who decided that?
- I did.

I can't do that.
And I don't know that I have to do it.

Do I?

Harry.

I'm asking you as a friend.

And I appreciate that, Roger, I really do,
but I need my office.

Look, first of all,
Pete's office isn't that different.

- I disagree.
- Fine.

Name the most important person
you could bring into this office.

William Paley.

Okay, so you shouldn't do that.

Trust me, network and studio executives
want to think you're out there jet-setting,

rubbing shoulders with television stars
and chorus girls.

You should be talking to clients ringside

or at a three-star restaurant,
not coming into your miserable little office.

But I do. I come in here almost every day.

And Pete's office is a sh*thole
with a support beam.

What if I were to make it worth your while?

I'm already head of my department.

What would be an appropriate bonus?

There's no bonuses. We have no money.

How much would it take?

Well, first of all,
it's more than you could have on you.

Really?

That's $1,100.

Why do you carry so much cash?

It's more than 1,000, Harry.

That is a month's salary after taxes.

There's no window in there.

You could buy yourself a very beautiful
picture of something to look at.

Well, okay. But you're gonna owe me.

No, I'm not. I just gave you a lot of money.

This is a transaction.
And if you don't like it,

we can have the conversation
you thought we were having.

- So this is every month?
- Get the hell out of my office.

Excuse me. I'm sorry.

I'm Joan.

I'm Meredith. Can I help you?

Joan Harris.

I work here.

Worked here. I've been on leave.

Joan. My goodness.

It's hard to believe you just had a baby.

You don't know where I started.

Do you want me to announce you?

No, I'll let myself in.

Are you sure?

No one mentioned a new girl.

I guess they needed someone up here
because Scarlett is now covering Mr. Pryce

so that she can do the books with Clara.

Well, now I can understand
why I wasn't told.

Oh, my God. My mouth.

Could you just help me with the door?

He's adorable.

Please don't be mad at me
for telling you that.

I'm very happy being nobody here.

I know a girl who had yourjob
who ended up with everything.

Where would you like to visit first?

I suppose my office.

Yes, yes, absolutely. Joan.

My goodness, you look radiant.

- Can I see him?
- I don't see why not.

- Where's Scarlett?
- Go fetch Caroline.

Joanie.

Look at you out and about.

Yes, we're gonna stop by The Copa later.

One of us badly needs a drink.

Lane made it very clear
we're not hiring anybody.

I don't care how buxom his mother is.

Don.

- Look at that.
- He's okay.

Hello, Megan.

Hello, Joan.

I'm sure I'm not ruining
any surprises at this point,

but how was your party?
I'm sorry I missed it.

He's adorable.

Are we welcoming you back?

- That was my impression.
- Today?

- Do you want to hold him?
- What?

He's a little cabbage.

It's just a matter of time, Don.

I should be getting back to work.

I'm gonna quit while I'm ahead.

Joanie, I'll say what I said
when you left here,

this is not a good excuse.

Nice to see you.

- When are you coming back?
- I was planning on three weeks.

My mother's leaving any day,
so I was gonna hire a girl.

It's gonna be terrible to leave him.

Joan.

I was wondering if you were going to visit.

My hands are dirty.

Oh, my God. He looks just like you.

I should get back to work.
I have more than ever, thanks to you, Joan.

Good.

So, how are you?

Well, well, well.

There's my baby.

Now move that brat out of the way
so I can see her.

Hello, Roger.

Little dud like my present?

I'm sure you're aware that a bicycle's
not useful yet, Uncle Roger.

Oh, no? He's a loafer?

He's been keeping me awake.
He needs constant attention.

Is that right? Let me see that.

Has anyone even seen this baby
with you walking next to him?

Scarlett. Scarlett, may I see you?

I got it.

Mr. Pryce, Mrs. Harris is here to see you.

- Send her in.
- I've got him.

Caroline, I need you to
make dinner reservations right away.

I'll be right back.

This really is an unexpected pleasure.

Just stopping by.

Anything I should know about?

Yes, actually. Pressing business.

Would you mind?

No, not at all.

What are we supposed to do with him?

Better than the steps of a church, I guess.

Have either of you seen Clara?

No.

What's that?

It's Joan's little boy.

That's darling.

Would you please take him
and give him back to Joan?

Do I suddenly appear to be wearing a skirt?

Spectacular party.

Just take him.
You should say hello to Joan anyways.

Clara?

She looks very good.

She does. She looked good at nine months.

I don't know about that.

I'm surprised you didn't tell her.

- Tell her what?
- That she looked terrible.

You seem to say whatever's on your mind.

Is something wrong?

No.

I got the Vicks coupons done.

I know you thought you were
the only one working this weekend.

No, I didn't.

Really? That's what you said to Don.

I know. I had too much to drink and...

And you couldn't resist
saying something obnoxious?

Well, just so we're clear,
I put in a lot of work on Heinz. So did you.

You can't even apologize. None of you can.

- I'm sorry.
- You're sorry?

What is wrong with you people?

You're all so cynical. You don't smile.
You smirk.

Is he mad at me?

I don't care.

Who wouldn't want a surprise party?

I don't feel well.

Megan...

No, really, I don't feel well.

Am I allowed to go home?

Of course.

I'm so sorry. You were right.

I apologize.

It's fine.

Heinz won't sign off on the work.

So they won't be back in for 30 days,

which means we won't get paid
for another 90.

And we're about to sh**t Christmas ads
for Sugarberry and Vicks.

But they won't run until Christmas,

so we won't get paid until Easter.

Well, that explains why
you're asking me for all this free advice.

I'm just trying to get things in order.

So that you can eliminate my job?

What? Absolutely not.

- Then why did you run an ad?
- What ad?

- In this morning's Times.
- Oh, that.

That wasn't an ad.

Well, what the hell was it, then?

It was some private barb directed at Y&R.

Mrs. Harris, the books have
practically been held together

with spit in your absence.

What about Scarlett and Clara
splitting my work?

Splitting?

The two of them together couldn't operate
a parking meter. They're imbeciles.

Well, that was a dumb thing to do.

Oh, there, there.

I'm sorry.

I've been like this since the baby.

And it's not him.

I just

keep thinking about what's going on here,
and I missed it too much.

It's too embarrassing.

Nothing's happened.

Something always happens.
Things are different.

Somebody tells a joke and
you don't know what they're talking about.

There have been no jokes, not without you.

Not even at my expense?

I'm terribly adrift without you.

It's just a matter of time
before they find out I'm a sham.

Nobody came to visit me.

They sent flowers with some stupid card
written by the florist.

There would have been a cake,
but you weren't here to arrange it.

It's just...

And I don't expect you to understand this,

but my husband's been gone so long.

And I know he's coming home soon.

And even with my baby there
and my mother,

I feel alone.

It's home, but it's not everything.

I do understand.

Now, I won't have everyone thinking
I've made you cry.

Well, at least tell me about the party.

Mrs. Draper put on a bit of a burlesque.

- No.
- Oh, yes.

She danced and sang in front of all of us.

She was quite the coquette.

I can't do it justice.

And Don?

I saw his soul leave his body.

I can't even imagine how handsome
that man must be blushing.

Yes.

I don't know how I ended up with him, but...

Thank you so much.

Mr. Pryce, I will be speaking with you.

Let me take a look at him at least.

Handsome little blagger.

Have you seen Clara?

Congratulations. We're gonna be
right next to each other finally.

What's going on?

Clara, could you excuse us?

Well, she obviously already knows.

Please.

Roger, you know, convinced me.

We all thought it was best for the firm
that you have a bigger office,

so I was asked to switch.

I'll be right back.

I appreciate your sacrifice,
but a bigger office was not the point.

Well, fine, then. I'll switch back.

Roger didn't say I couldn't switch back.

I don't care what Roger says.
I am the head of accounts.

I am bringing in all the business.
I deserve the bigger office.

It's a great office, Pete.

It's very important.

It's got the windows.
God, I'm gonna miss them.

And you did this
because Roger told you to?

And also because I respect you so much.

What do you want me to say?

Look, I just need a place to hide
until Megan leaves.

Oh, God, unless she told Don.

She's not gonna tell Don, is she?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Come in.

What's up?

At your party, which was lovely,

I said something
which I shouldn't have said,

and I want to apologize
if you had a bad time because of it.

I had a wonderful time.

Well, good.

The only reason I'm bringing it up
is Megan seemed kind of upset.

I'm very sorry.

I should not be allowed to drink
at work functions.

Or at all, honestly.

- What did she say?
- Nothing.

But she went home. She wasn't feeling well.

I'm mortified if I had something
to do with it.

When did she leave?

I think she wants to be alone.

You don't know her at all.

Caroline.

I'm done for the day.

Mr. Pryce.

Yes, Scarlett?

There's a gentleman here,
the owner of the wallet, Mr. Polito.

He's in reception. Shall I bring him back?

No, absolutely not.

Well, do you want to see him?

Yes, I'll be out in a moment.

Of course, Mr. Pryce.

Thank you, Delores.

- Excuse me?
- I said... Just a minute.

Hello.

Are you Mr. Polito?

I am. Although there's no way
for you to know that.

You got my wallet.

I contacted you.

Thank you.

Well, I'm glad this worked out.

Hold on.

Just hold on a second.

Everything's there.

So it is.

Well, you can't blame me.

My horse came in and then I lost my wallet.

Then it came in again.

No, that's not necessary.

- You've got to take a reward.
- I couldn't possibly.

My girl said you were real polite.

Obviously from the accent,
you're not from around here.

No, I'm not.

This is the way we do things.

Thanks again. I mean it.

You're a real gentleman.

Megan? Where are you?

You're home.

So are you. What happened?

Nothing.

You just left without me?

- I was upset.
- That's clear.

About what?

Because my apartment is filthy.

Where's the girl?

I sent her home.

What are you doing?

I'm cleaning up. I don't want to get sweaty.

- Like that?
- Don't you look at me.

I'm talking to you.

I'm cleaning up.

Really?

Stop looking at me.
You aren't allowed to look at me.

Then put some clothes on.

I said stop it. You don't deserve it.

Come on.

You don't like presents.
You don't like nice things.

Besides, you're too old.

I don't need an old person.

You probably couldn't do it anyway.

Don't!

- Get up.
- No.

I don't want people to think
you're getting this.

You want it so badly.

I don't want it. I don't want you.

You don't get to have this.
Go sit over there.

AII you get to do is watch.

Where's Harry?

Who cares?

I'm sorry. Do you need to see Mr. Campbell?

No.

Is Roger Sterling still here?

Yes.

I want you to let him do whatever he wants.

And I want you to pencil in
an appointment tomorrow

at the coffee shop in the ferry building
in Staten Island.

6:00 a.m.

With Coca-Cola.

Okay.

That'll be all.

I don't think those people like me.

That's not true.

Well, I'm not sure I like them.

The reason I didn't want
you to have that party is

I didn't want them in our home.

You've only been in the creative end
of this business for three months.

And being a secretary,
you don't know what goes on.

There isn't one problem that Peggy
or anybody in that office has

that wasn't there before you.

You think you're a splinter?

You're not.

The whole foot's been infected for years.

I love going to work with you because

you love work and you love me.

But I wonder if maybe it's not a good idea.

I don't really care about work.

I want you at work

because I want you.

I think we have to replace the rug.

Just because you see white carpet
in a magazine doesn't mean it's practical.

It's beautiful.

Well, I've taken a lot of pictures
of white carpets.

You have to have four or five on hand.

I thought you wanted it.

I just wanted you to have what you want.

What are you doing?

I've got to go to Staten Island.

- What time is it?
- Shut up.

An aboveground pool?

No, no, in the ground. With deck chairs.

That costs a fortune.
You gonna dig it yourself?

We'll see what happens at Christmas.

I never count on a bonus.

I'm not talking to you.

I hope to be dead by Christmas.

Do you have any money for the grocer?

You told me not to write any checks.

No, of course.

He's finally gone to sleep.

We cannot call security.
They are applicants.

What's going on out there?

They're all here responding
to your hilarious advertisement.

Is it just me,
or is the lobby full of negroes?

They saw the Y&R ad.

The humor was lost on them.

- Not on me.
- It was a childish prank.

Because you're above that, right?

What are we gonna do?

Would you leave us be, dear?

Tell them the position's been filled.

There's the possibility
that we could be the subject of a protest.

Then we interview them. Forever.
They'll go away.

That is not a solution.

And who's to say
there's not a reporter out there?

I don't know why we can't just hire one.

Because we're not hiring anyone.

Just fire that receptionist.

We can't have one out there.

- What is that?
- It's from Young & Rubicam.

It's a resume.

"1960 to '65,

"toted dat barge, lifted dat bale."

Did those people out there

see that artifact come in here?

Yes. I'm positive.

Good morning.

I'd like to thank you all for coming.

First of all,
we're only looking for secretaries.

So, gentlemen, you are free to leave.

I mean, you are welcome to leave.

I mean, you may go.

I will be collecting resumes,

and then those of you
who meet the qualifications

will receive a call
to schedule an interview.