01x06 - Aloha Slater

[bunniefuu]

(bell rings)

♪ When I wake up in the morning and the alarm gives out a warning ♪

♪ I don't think I'll ever make it on time ♪

♪ By the time I grab my books and I give myself a look ♪

♪ I'm at the corner just in time to see the bus fly by ♪

♪ It's all right ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm saved by the bell ♪

♪ If the teacher pops a test I know I'm in a mess ♪

♪ And my dog ate all my homework last night ♪

♪ Ridin' low on my chair, she won't know that I'm there ♪

♪ If I can hand it in tomorrow it will be all right ♪

♪ It's all right ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm saved by the bell... ♪

♪ It's all right, 'cause I'm saved by the-- ♪

♪ It's all right, 'cause I'm saved by the-- ♪

♪ It's all right, 'cause I'm saved by the bell ♪

Everyone hopes for that one shining moment --

Joe Montana in the Super Bowl;

Kirk Gibson in the World Series;

"Flo-Jo" in the Olympics, and today, Zack Morris in the Bayside vs. Madison Cross-Country Meet.

Oh hi, Zack. How did you do in the race?

Well, I don't like to brag but...

Third place, Zack. That's great!

You know, I have a feeling that at some country fair there is a prize bull wondering where his ribbon went.

Third place, wow!

I once finished fifth in an "ALF" look-a-like contest.

For the first quarter mile, I held back.

At the half mile, I was still in last place.

At the three-quarter mile, I heard this voice--

Hey guys, look at this. Slater, what a great trophy!

I won my weight class in the county wrestling championships.

Wow, that's fabulous. This is awesome.

Oh my gosh. That is so exciting.

You're a champion. I am so proud of you!

Then, ignoring the pain in my side, I made a mad dash to the finish--

Hey Zack, would you hold this for me, please?

I want to hug Kelly with both arms.

Oh Slater, put me down.

I can't watch this.

Let's hear it for our first county wrestling champion, in fact, our first champion in anything, AC Slater!

(all cheer)

Would you teach me how to wrestle?

Slater, show me that hold you used to b*at Johnson.

You know, that double-jointed torso stretcher.

Don't worry, Slater. I won't hurt you.

All right.

Oof!

Hey, this is pretty effective.

Thank you.

(gasping) I'll ease up if you do.

I'm just going to go help the nurse look for a contact lens.

(girls squeal)

Hey Zack, Slater isn't that great.

You could do that too if you had muscles.

Excuse me. I'm Major Martin Slater. I'm looking for--

AC Slater's father? Affirmative.

Tell me, son, how do you find Mr. Belding?

Confused, but well-meaning.

He's not in his office. Where can I find him?

He's with the school nurse. Where's the school nurse?

She's with Mr. Belding.

I know that. Where's her office?

Then I'll go this way.

Zack, the nurse's office is that way.

I know. But when a father comes to school, it's important.

We've got to find out what's going on.

Let's go to Belding's office. Why?

I have a plan.

I have a meeting at 1400 hours. I'll get to the point, Mr. Belding.

"1400 hours." Now that brings back memories.

Proud to say I served my country in the Fighting 55th.

'Nam? Indiana.

National Guard.

I'll sleep better at night knowing that.

Major?

Mr. Belding, I've been offered a transfer to Hawaii, and I'm here to let you know that my son will be going with me.

What does AC think about this?

I found out this morning, I haven't talked to him yet.

Major-- sir, AC has found a home here.

He's a good student, a great athlete, very popular with the girls.

He gets almost as many whistles around the pool as I do.

That's hard to believe.

Mr. Belding I know my son. I know what he wants.

Belding: Could you at least talk to him and see how he feels about this?

We've talked about going to Hawaii for years.

But go ahead and call him if you want.

AC Slater, to the principal's office, please.

I'll need AC's transcripts.

Yes, sir.

Major, I want you to know that I think AC is a very bright, well-adjusted young man.

Thank you.

Dad. Hi, son.

I've got great news. We finally got that chance to go to Hawaii.

Yeah, Dad. That's great.

That doesn't make you happy?

Well, I like it here in this school, Dad.

Why?

Major, what I think your son is trying to say, is that he's never had a principal quite like me before.

Yes, that's true, Mr. Belding. You're one of a kind.

Seems to be more here than I thought.

Could you excuse us for a moment?

Certainly, sir. 10-4.

Same to you.

Sit down, son.

I thought you wanted to go to Hawaii.

Well I did, when we were in Iceland.

But I have real friends here for a change.

If I had to leave them, I'd really miss them, Dad.

Don't you want to go?

I don't know what I want.

All right.

I've got to let my C.O. know by Friday.

So that gives you four days to make up your mind.

I'm sorry you were stuck in the file cabinet for so long.

That's all right.

Just paint me blue and call me a "smurf."

So what'd you find out about Slater?

Well, his father is being transferred to Hawaii.

Slater has until Friday to decide if he's going to stay or leave.

Slater gets to decide?

Yeah, and you'd better hope he chooses Hawaii.

Why?

Zack, look at yourself.

Before Slater, you were the big cheese, the main man, head honcho, top dog-- Okay!

A-number-one, king of the hill, master of your destiny--

Enough already!

And worst of all, Kelly's stuck on him like crazy glue.

You better pray he chooses Hawaii or you're a dead man with Kelly.

"Dead man"? Hawaii?

Hmmm...

Zack! No! Wait!

Slater's what?

He's dying. He's dying?

Zack, that is ridiculous.

Slater's father met with Belding yesterday. I bugged his office.

You wouldn't do that. Trust me. He would do that.

How can Slater be dying? He won the wrestling title.

One last heroic burst of strength is a symptom of the disease.

What disease?

It's called "mumbio-quadralation... osis."

It affects the brain.

Then I think you have it too.

There's a clinic in Hawaii that can treat mumbio -- whatever, but that big brave galoot would rather live out his remaining days here with his friends.

We have to find some way to get him to go to that clinic.

How are we going to do that? I don't know.

Maybe by pretending we don't want him around anymore?

Oh that is crazy. Crazy? Well sure, it's crazy.

But if you care about Slater at all, you'll treat him like dirt.

(knocking) Come in.

Mr. Belding? Hi, Jessie. What can I do for you?

Did Slater's father really come to see you yesterday?

Yes, he did. Oh I didn't think so.

Sorry to bother you.

Did you say yes? Afraid so.

Then it's true Slater won't be with us much longer?

Might as well kiss him goodbye. He's out of here.

I can't believe this. Poor Slater.

Poor Slater?

Where am I going to find another star wrestler?

How can you worry about wrestling at a time like this?

Jessie, life goes on.

People come and go. You win some, you lose some.

Mr. Belding, that is so insensitive.

Slater's going to a better place.

We should all be so lucky.

This is all just so sudden.

It usually is.

Let's just make his last few days with us special.

Last few days? I heard six months.

No way. Two weeks, tops.

My guess is he'll probably be gone by the end of the week.

This whole thing is just so unbelievable.

I know. I thought so too until I talked to Belding.

Well, according to the medical book I read, Slater's not in any immediate danger unless symptoms appear.

What symptoms?

Sneezing, itching, loss of memory...

Shh. Here he comes.

Hey guys, how's it going? Great. How are you?

I've been better. (sobs)

By the way, where were you?

You were supposed to meet me in the weight room last period.

What are you talking about?

Oh. I guess he... forgot.

(sobbing)

What's wrong with them?

It was "Peel An Onion Day" in Home Ec.

You're late. Do you have the stuff?

Yep. One deluxe ant farm, with five generations of ants.

All lined up according to height.

Okay, let's step on it.

Zack, never let ants hear you say, "Step on it."

I meant hurry up. Now, pour the pepper on me.

Okay, that's good. (school bell rings)

Okay, this is study hall.

Can I borrow a pencil? Yeah, sure, Preppie.

Ah-choo! Ah-choo!

Oh, he's sneezing.

(sneezing)

Hey! This is study hall, not "Soul Train."

Slater's fading fast.

We've got to get him to Hawaii to save his life!

The "Treat Slater Like Dirt Show" is about to begin.

By the time it's over, Slater will be in Hawaii and Kelly will be all mine.

It's show time.

Hi Jessie. It's a great day, huh?

It's a terrible day. You can't even breathe the air.

What are you, stupid?

What are you talking about? What's wrong?

You are what's wrong.

Hi, Lisa. Don't talk to me.

Why not? You're one of those dumb jocks.

You didn't think so yesterday when I won my trophy.

You're a conceited dumb jock. Well, that's the worst kind.

Hey Slater, how's it going? I'm afraid to say.

Hey, well don't worry about it. Everybody has bad days.

But not everybody has a trophy to remind you of the good ones.

That's one thing they'll never be able to take away from you.

My trophy! Where is it?

Well, this is disgraceful.

Vandals must have stolen it and melted it down.

By now it's probably Andre the Giant's shoehorn.

I can't believe this. I hate this school.

There he is. Places, people.

Hi Kelly.

Wait a second. Are we still on for the beach this afternoon?

No way.

What's wrong with her? Oh I don't know.

She just saw you coming in, then said, "Here comes that muscle-bound pea brain, Slater."

She said that?

Hey, would I have the guts to make it up?

What's happening here, Screech?

Nobody wants me around anymore.

Can you blame them, "Brillo head"?

Hi, Slater. You're looking a little pale.

I want to tell you guys that I have the chance to move to Hawaii.

You're going, right? Oops.

Yeah, that's right. I'm going. I'm moving to Hawaii.

Oh, yes! And I'm going with him.

What have I done?

Why'd you say you were coming to Hawaii with me?

Because I care about you. I'm going to ask my parents if I can stay with my uncle in Honolulu and take care of you.

What do you mean, "take care" of me?

I couldn't bear for you to live the last days of your life alone.

What?

It's all right, Slater. Zack told us everything.

Exactly how much did Zack tell you?

He told us all about your tropical disease.

About the sneezing, itching, memory lapses.

Listen...

I really appreciate your offer to come to Hawaii with me.

I can't think of anyone I'd rather spend my last days with than you... Jessie.

Slater, I'm Kelly. Oops. Memory lapse.

Zack, I've been looking all over for you.

For me? I don't want to go to Hawaii.

Zack, you've got to help me. You've got it made.

Kelly's going with you.

She doesn't care about me. I'm just her ticket to Hawaii.

Zack, I feel so used.

Don't go. Let Kelly use you here.

It's too late. I told my father I wanted to go.

You only get one chance with the major.

So tell him you changed your mind.

I'm afraid. I'm not good at those things like you are, Zack.

You're so persuasive.

Wait a minute. Would you mind talking to him for me? I'd really--

Time out.

Wait a minute. Would I talk to his father?

This is too good to be true.

I mean, if Slater stays, Kelly stays.

Time in.

Sure, if you think it'll make a difference.

Oh, thanks, Zack. It will, it will.

Are you sure we're not overdoing it, son?

Dad, Zack needs to be taught a lesson he'll never forget.

I want him to think he's meeting General Patton.

Hey, I'll make Patton look like a pansy.

Everything set? Yeah. Dad...

Are you sure it's okay we're not going to Hawaii?

Well, I was disappointed at first. But, if you're happy here, I can learn to become a Dodger fan.

(doorbell rings) Well, let's let the enemy in.

Oh, you forgot your bandage, Dad.

Ahem...

(knocking) Come in.

Mr. Slater?

It's Major Slater.

You must be Minor Morris.

Well, yes Major, I'm a minor.

Whatever you say, sir.

Well, what is it you want from me? You've got three minutes.

Ooh, oh, that smarts. Are you okay?

A slight accident on the grenade range.

Brain concussion. Nothing serious.

Excuse me while I call the base.

(yells) Base!

You've got two minutes.

Well sir-- Major sir, I don't want your son AC to go to Hawaii.

Why should he stay?

They stole his trophy, cold-shouldered him.

And a girl named Kelly used him.

Well, that's not exactly true, sir.

Are you calling me a liar? No!

Drop! Give me 10!

Two, three -- hurry, hurry, the Russians are in Burbank!

Hi. I'm Major Slater.

What is it you wanted to talk to me about, soldier?

Well Major, I was the one that made everybody cold-shoulder AC.

I was jealous of his trophy and tried to get him to leave.

Oh, you're the one.

What's that? Oh, just a live grenade.

A live grenade?

Do you know how these work?

Just pull the pin, like this.

As long as you hold that clip, nothing will happen.

But if you were to let go of that clip, it could blow up everyone who did you wrong in four seconds.

Three... two...

(Zack shrieking) one...

(softly together) Boom.

(Hawaiian style music plays)

Max: And so we bid goodbye to our brave warrior.

As the sun dips into farewell we say, "Aloha, Slater," as he is welcomed to paradise by the "Pineapple Princess."

My pineapple bra is k*lling me.

Which means, let's hula down!

(drums playing)

All: Hey!

Hey!

Ho!

Mona lalla, Lisa. What's that mean?

"You make my blood bubble like hot lava."

Well, mona lalla-lalla -- "Go sit on a volcano."

Here's a going-away gift from all your friends.

It's a man-eating plant!

(rapid clicking)

Thanks, Max.

Hey you guys, this is all really nice, but I don't deserve all this.

Slater, is that you? Hey where'd you get my trophy?

Oh, it's a surprise.

I asked Belding to have it engraved.

Aloha, pal.

Stop him, Pineapple Princess.

His Majesty beckons you.

Hey, you guys, I have really great news.

I'm not going to Hawaii.

But you have to. You have a disease. You'll die here.

Hey, I'm healthy. I never was sick.

I just used it to get back at Zack.

You're not sick? That is sick!

You mean you're not leaving?

You used me? I thought she used you.

No, I used her to use you for you using me.

Sounds like a "used person lot."

This is the lowest. It was only to get back at Morris.

Well you two can have each other.

Come on, Screech.

Compared to these two, you look good.

Which means, "Thanks for being slimeballs."

They'll get over it. You think so?

I've been putting them through this since the first grade and I'm still here.

You mad I'm staying? Not really.

There's nobody I'd rather b*at than you.

Dream on, Preppie. Because right now...

I'm the king.

Over my dead body.

Oh, that reminds me, my dad asked me to give you this.

Three... two... one...

(instrumental theme music plays)