01x14 - The Zack Tapes

[bunniefuu]

(bell rings)

♪ When I wake up in the morning and the alarm gives out a warning ♪

♪ I don't think I'll ever make it on time ♪

♪ By the time I grab my books and I give myself a look ♪

♪ I'm at the corner just in time to see the bus fly by ♪

♪ It's all right ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm saved by the bell ♪

♪ If the teacher pops a test I know I'm in a mess ♪

♪ And my dog ate all my homework last night ♪

♪ Ridin' low on my chair, she won't know that I'm there ♪

♪ If I can hand it in tomorrow it will be all right ♪

♪ It's all right ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm saved by the bell... ♪

♪ It's all right, 'cause I'm saved by the-- ♪

♪ It's all right, 'cause I'm saved by the-- ♪

♪ It's all right, 'cause I'm saved by the bell ♪

This week is the annual Sweetheart Dance, when a guy gives away his heart.

And guess who I want to give my heart to?

I'll give you a clue. It ain't him.

Kelly, will you go to the Sweetheart Dance with me?

I think it's time for a heart transplant.

She's going with me.

Who are you kidding, Preppie?

You won't be going to that dance.

He's in big trouble with Belding.

What'd you do, Zack?

He dumped teabags in the swimming pool.

It was my history project.

You never heard of the Boston Tea Party?

Then he erased the blackboards with Mr. Fetterman's toupee.

I think he looks better with white hair.

I'm telling you, Kelly, Preppie's dead meat.

Tomorrow Belding's having a conference with him and his mother.

Hey, don't listen to him, Kelly.

There's nothing going to stop me from going to that dance.

I guess I can wait another day before deciding.

(pop music playing)

♪ Where are you goin'? ♪ Hey, Kelly, I got the new Bo Revere tape.

I love Bo Revere. He's my favorite.

(music continuing)

Lisa, we're going to the Sweetheart Dance together.

Over my dead body. Love does not give up so easily.

Screech, why don't you find someone else?

Well, at least this Screech is easier to get rid of.

I shall return.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

You know the rules. No music in the halls.

Mr. Belding, that's Bo Revere's new single.

It's number eight with a b*llet.

Too bad the b*llet missed him. (laughs)

What's your idea of good music?

The Beach Boys, "California Girls."

What a coincidence. Hey, that's my favorite.

Zack, I'm not a straw -- don't suck up.

We're still meeting tomorrow with my favorite California girl, your mommy. (hums "California Girls")

What a beautiful color, thank you so much.

And for the apple.

Ever since yesterday, I wanted to bring you flowers.

What a lovely bouquet. Thank you, Jessie.

Oh, my favorite candy, Tommy. How sweet.

Here, Miss Wentworth. Lovely apple, Zack.

Well, you know the old saying, "An apple a day might get me an A."

I think that would take a whole orchard, Zack.

Okay class, today we are going to talk about subliminal advertising.

What's that?

It's advertising that uses hidden messages.

Hidden messages aren't new. I pass those to girls every day.

And every day we flush them.

All right. You know that theater owners have used hidden messages by flashing a picture of popcorn in the middle of a movie.

Does it work? Well, let's say that sales really started popping.

Oh, come on. You think that I would run out and buy something just because of some hidden message?

You all did. Remember that lovely music tape I played for you yesterday?

It contained hidden messages asking for flowers, candy and apples.

That's ridiculous, Miss Wentworth.

What do you take us for, mindless robots?

Nev-- never, Screech.

How do you do that? It's simple. Gather 'round.

Listen closely to the tape I played for you yesterday.

(soft music plays)

Now you'll only hear the messages when I take out the music and turn up the voice track.

Bring your favorite teacher, Miss Wentworth, apples and candy to eat. She also loves beautiful flowers.

And if any of you have a handsome single parent, I'm available.

Bring your favorite teacher, Miss Wentworth, apples and candy to eat.

This is amazing! Does it always work?

It usually is effective for a few hours.

But remember, it doesn't work on everyone.

And there are always minds that get the messages a bit mixed up.

Zack, what if Belding finds out we're giving him a tape with hidden messages?

He's not going to find out. They're hidden.

Besides, it's my only hope.

I've got to keep Belding away from my mother.

Don't worry, Zack. She'll never fall for Belding.

She loves your father.

No, you idiot.

Look, if Belding meets my mother I'll be grounded.

All right, is everything set up?

Yep. "California Girls" tape is in this machine.

I'll record your voice, and then we'll mix them both together.

So where's the microphone? It's hidden!

Ow!

Okay, Screech, get ready to record my voice.

Zack brainwashing Belding, take one.

Zack Morris is a good kid.

Zack Morris is a great student. (scoffs)

Zack Morris is a fine human being.

Zack Morris is the son I never had.

You're Belding's son?! I never knew that.

Have you guys seen Screech?

Yeah, I saw him in the cafeteria.

He was making an egg salad sculpture of you.

He has been hounding me to go to the dance with him.

Everywhere I go he's chasing me with that silly heart.

I finally got away from him.

Guess again.

(screams) I'm not safe anywhere.

Mr. Belding, I have a present for you.

Beach Boys, "California Girls." I already have that tape.

Not in the new enhanced Dolby version.

Well, thank you, Zack. My tape is rather old.

Play it a lot, sir. I will.

But you're not off the hook, bub.

See, what did I tell you, Kelly?

Preppie can't go to the dance.

Okay, Slater. I'll wear your heart.

Oh, come-- Kelly.

Oh, come on, Kelly. You can't go with him.

Ahh!

♪ I wish they all could be California girls... ♪

(knocking) Come in.

Hello, Zack. You're late.

Where is your mother? She is supposed to be here.

My mother? I told her not to come.

You told your mother not to come?

Yes.

Who cares? Zack Morris is a good kid.

I was hoping you'd say that, sir.

Now, Zack, this is very serious business.

Mr. Testaverde said that you dumped teabags into the swimming pool.

Do you believe him, sir? Of course not.

Zack Morris is a fine human being.

Now, Zack, your math and science teachers say you're getting D's.

I don't believe that, sir.

Neither do I. Zack Morris is a great student.

Will that be all, sir?

I'll decide when this meeting is over, young man.

There's one other thing I have to say.

There is?

Zack Morris is the son I never had.

Have a good time at the dance.

Here's 10 bucks, son.

Thanks, Dad.

♪ I wish they all could be California girls ♪ If this works on principals, why can't it work on girls?

Hey, Screech, did you give out the tapes with the hidden messages?

I gave one to every dork, nerd and geek at Bayside to use on their dream girls.

All right. Let's see how it works.

Hello, Clarissa.

Hi Edgar. Thanks for that tape. It's my favorite song.

I knew you'd like it. (gasping laugh)

Will you go to the dance with me?

Oh Edgar, I'm just thrilled you're not taken.

We're golden. It works.

I'm not sure, Zack. Edgar's a pretty cool guy.

He's "All-city" in chess.

Alan Fairbanks!

I have been ignoring you since second grade.

Uh, I know.

Buffy, did you get the tape I sent you?

Yes, let's go steady.

Waitress! Waitress!

What can I get you, master?

I'm sure you know by now.

Oh Screech, this is great!

Kelly and Lisa are going to be ours forever.

I don't know. What if Wendell and Edgar get there first?

We're sending them tapes about us, you simp.

All you've got to do is switch our Bo Revere tapes with the ones in Kelly and Lisa's cassette players.

Got 'em right here. All right.

Did you check the one I made for Kelly?

Yep. Listened to it 10 times. Zack?

Yeah? Will you go to the dance with me?

Kelly and Lisa: Hi.

You seem lost. Are you new here?

(high voice) Uh, yes. I'm new all over.

I'm Jessie, what's your name?

My name? Uh... Barbara.

Barbara Bush.

Well, Barbara, we'd better change.

You can't play soccer in that. You need a uniform.

(whimpering) Well, I don't have one.

Don't be upset. I'll get you one. What size do you wear?

I don't know.

You look like a petite. Thank you.

I'll be right back.

Jessie: Okay, Barbara, I found one!

Barbara?

Barbara Bush?

What a weird little girl.

Zack, I am so glad I found you.

I have to talk to you.

Oh. I wonder what it could be?

I don't want to go to the dance with Slater.

What?

Listen, it gets better.

I suddenly realized how much I care for you, Zack.

Please rescue me from this muscle-bound monkey.

Kelly, how can you say that? You're wearing my heart.

This thing? Who cares?

Kelly!

Please say you'll go to the dance with me, Zack?

Okay, I'll go with you.

Has anyone seen my Screech?

Screech: I'm in here, my darling.

Come out, my handsome hunk.

Your hunk is here.

I want you to be my sweetheart for the dance.

Are you sure? If you look at anyone else, I'll die. Don't t*rture me anymore, my manly mustang.

Okay, I'll go.

At last, he's mine!

Jessie. Jessie!

Keep listening to tapes, you'll put my jukebox out of business.

I'm sorry, Max, but this is the new Bo Revere tape.

They were all sold out so I had to borrow Kelly's.

I see you're going to the dance with Steve Lawson.

Yeah, but I think I'd have a better time if I went with Zack.

Zack?

He's the kind of boy every girl dreams of.

Great looking, smart and funny.

Yes, that's Zack Morris.

Something crazy's going on here.

Jessie.

Jessie! Guess what?

Screech said he'd go to the dance with me.

Lisa, are you talking about Screech as in, "Get lost, creep"?

You're just jealous. Tigerman is a great catch.

Look what I got.

I thought you were going with Slater?

I was until I knew I could go with my Zack.

He's the kind of boy every girl dreams of.

Great looking, smart and funny.

Yes, that's Zack Morris.

What's going on here?

Yeah, we each had dates, now we're fighting over Zack?

Something weird's going on here, like Bayside's been brainwashed.

You think someone's been playing with our minds?

Wait a second.

Miss Wentworth's class? Subliminal advertising?

I wonder if someone's using hidden messages on us.

Not my Screechie?!

He's the buffest bronco on earth.

Wait a second, what am I saying?

Zack!

I bet he did it with this Bo Revere tape.

But how? The tapes were never out of our hands.

Except during soccer practice.

Hold on, there was this strange little girl in the locker room.

Yeah, we saw her.

Just think about it, okay.

Take off the glasses...

And the long hair...

And the dress...

You don't have a Barbara, you have a Screech.

And wherever there's a Screech, there's a Zack.

This is w*r.

Ow!

Zack's voice: Zack Morris is a blond Tom Cruise.

Zack Morris is a 10.

Two fives is more like it.

I'm stuck with a three, with seven left over.

Zack Morris is perfect in every way.

He certainly has a high opinion of himself.

He brainwashed me.

You? I was so mean to Slater.

I dumped him in front of everyone.

You? What about me?

I begged Screech to be my sweetheart.

I'm going to be in counseling the rest of my life.

Zack took advantage of my classroom so he could be the most popular boy in school.

I think you should bust him. Oh, no.

Bust the blond Tom Cruise? Never.

We're going to give him exactly what he wants.

And that concludes our lesson on subliminal advertising.

Have you found it interesting? Oh, yes, Miss Wentworth.

It's changed my whole life.

I'll bet it has.

Now, does anyone have any questions before we move on? Jessie.

Have governments ever used these techniques to control the thoughts of people?

Well, there have been cases.

Does it ever backfire?

I'm so glad you asked that.

During an election in Italy, the ruling party placed hidden messages in the pizza commercials.

So what happened? Did they eat the candidate?

No, no, but they rioted and sliced him into twelve equal pieces.

You can never be sure of the effects when you play with people's minds, Zack.

Attention students, this is your principal, Mr. Belding, inviting you to take a break from learning.

(cheers) All right!

To help make school more enjoyable, we're going to play a hit song every day.

I want to thank Kelly Kapowski for lending us her tape.

(pop music plays)

♪ Where are you goin'? ♪

♪ Where have you been? ♪

♪ You don't have to tell me... ♪ Zack, I love you. You're perfect in every way.

Jessie, what are you saying?

I'm saying Zack Morris is a 10.

Jessie, sit down.

Take me to the dance.

You're everything a girl dreams of.

Is everything all right, Zack?

Oh yes, Miss Wentworth, everything's fine.

Go to the dance with me, Zack. I'm going with Kelly.

No, you're going with me. Keep your hand off him. He's mine.

Get your hands off me. Girls: Zack! Zack! Zack!

Miss Wentworth you've got to help me!

Oh you don't need any help, you blond Tom Cruise.

What, is everybody crazy?

They're crazy about you, "Top g*n."

Girls: Zack! Zack! Zack!

Whoa, Jeez.

(music continuing)

There you are.

You're so cute I could scream.

I am?

I thought Screech was my Prince of Passion, but it's you, Z-man.

Take your hands off him!

He is mine. Yeah, you tell her.

Zack! Zack! Zack! Zack: Kelly! Kelly!

Wait, Kelly!

(all shouting) Zack! Zack!

Hey! All right, just leave him alone!

Slater, am I glad to see you! Keep them away.

All right, just back off! Back off.

He's going to the dance with me.

Mr. Belding, you've got to turn this tape off!

Zack, it's radical.

(Music stops) Mr. Belding, you don't understand.

I placed hidden messages in that Bo Revere tape.

Now everybody wants me.

Come on Zack, that's ridiculous. You don't think that-- has anyone ever told you, you look like a blond Tom Cruise?

Oh no, not you, too.

There's something I'd like you to have.

Hello, sweetheart.

(all shouting) Zack! Zack! Zack!

Please stop loving me!

Isn't that what you wanted, Zack?

I think this Bo Revere tape belongs to you, Zack.

But what about that tape?

There are no hidden messages on this tape, Zack.

I bought it at The Spinning Lizard.

You mean you guys were all in on this?

You got it, you fine human being.

That's right, we all got together to teach you a lesson.

Well, I guess I learned it.

Sorry we had to be so inventive, but some students are just harder to reach.

By the way, "son I never had," you owe me $10.

You can pay me tomorrow when we meet with your mommy.

Crash landing, "Top g*n."

(instrumental theme music playing)