05x03 - Episode 3

[bunniefuu]

Maybe people didn't see
the notices I put up,

or the interview I did on the radio,
or the newspaper ad.

Or people remembered running is the worst.

There's... there's still time, Grace.

The run doesn't start for another...

... seconds.

OK, so if we go left on Whitmore
and right on Stony Place

instead of going straight,

our route will make a d*ck-and-balls shape.

Maybe people just don't like fun runs?

- What?!
- Of course they do.

It's... it's a fun... run.

Yeah.

- Mornin'!
- Oh!

- Phil. Here for the fun run.
- It'll be fun.

Is that today?

Yeah.

I'll just park the car.

DANIEL: I don't think he's coming back.

Well,
I don't think anyone else is coming either.

Well, should we go get breakfast?

I mean, it's a beautiful day.

We could still go for a
run if you guys are keen.

- Yeah, sure.
- OK. Shall we go?

Yep.

Em?

- Can we do my d*ck-and-balls route?
- Of course.

- Yes.
- Alright, I'm in.

OK. And go!

- EMMA: Loser buys breakfast.
- Oh, cramp!

- Bet's off. Bet's off.
- DANIEL: Too late.

SONG: ♪ Yeah, we know ♪

♪ Even if we had so far to go ♪

♪ Even if the pace is slow ♪

♪ Well,
I'll be coming home to you again ♪

♪ If we find ♪

♪ Something to feel that we belong ♪

♪ If we can right all the wrongs ♪

♪ Well, I'll be coming home to you again.
♪

Did you see her face?
She looked really sad.

I'M sad. My legs hurt.

Well, that's your fault.
Your d*ck-and-balls route added two k's.

We only did one ball and half a d*ck.

Oh!
Can you imagine having to run for a living?

- What, like a professional athlete?
- Yeah.

Just, like, running, all the time.
Well, they're good at it.

They probably enjoy it.

No, but really, why?

And it's not fair that 'fun' rhymes with
'run'. It's a marketing scam.

- Morning.
- Morning.

- Mum, you forgot about the fun run.
- No, I didn't.

You're allowed to walk it, you know.

What?!

I already told Grace I couldn't make it.

Well, what's your excuse?

Running is for athletes and criminals,

and walking without purpose is boring.

DANIEL: Well,
the purpose is health and wellbeing.

- Anything else?
- I've got phone calls to make.

No, that will be all.

You should have told me
you're allowed to walk it.

Well, 'walk' and 'fun' don't rhyme, so...
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

Well, my shins really hurt,
so I think I should take the day off.

Yeah, if Mum says that's fine, go for it.

(PHONE RINGS)

McCallum Real Estate. Emma speaking.

Hi, Erin.

No, of course we don't
want you to move out.

What's happened?

Actually, why don't I come over
and we can talk about it in person?

minutes?

OK, great. See you soon. (HANGS UP)

- That sounds serious.
- Yeah, that's Erin.

She's my favourite tenant.

She always puts out biscuits
whenever I do an inspection.

Anyway, she's got some issue
and might have to break lease.

I'm gonna go find out what's up.
Why didn't you ask her on the phone?

Did you not hear what I just
said about the biscuits?

And I actually burnt calories today.

Well, I'd better come too.
We don't want to lose a good tenant.

- You want a biscuit?
- Yeah, I burnt calories too.

Seriously, Erin,
you are such a great tenant.

- And I don't say that to all of them.
- She doesn't.

Yeah. So, whatever the problem is,
I promise we can fix it.

Well, let's wait to hear what it is first.

It's a noise complaint.

EMMA: Oh, is it your neighbours?
Having parties?

Are they not inviting you?
Who wouldn't invite you? You're great.

No parties, but it is my neighbour.

Someone over there plays the guitar.

Oh, like, loud and at night?
Did you call the police?

No, it's more that it's badly.

Really badly.

Well, maybe they'll give up.

Whenever I try and learn an instrument,

I give up after a couple of days.

He does, although violin was a
tough week for me, let me tell ya.

Well, that's what I thought,
but it's been going on for a month.

You know, I thought they'd stop,
or at least get better,

but, unfortunately, they haven't.

Have you talked to them about it?

No. How awkward.

So it's really important
no matter what you do,

please don't tell them it
was me that complained.

Could have been any one of the neighbours.

Um, OK.

Leave it with us.

Great! (LAUGHS)

Oh, did you want a biscuit for the road?

- Oh, rude to say no.
- Yeah, if you're offering.

(LAUGHS)

This is a tricky one.

That's why you don't promise
you can fix something

before you know what it is.

How bad do you have to be at
guitar to make someone move out?

I mean, it's only got strings.

How many sh*t sounds can come out of it?

Six. We'll just talk to them.

Maybe we can get them to
use headphones or something.

On a guitar?
Don't the strings still make sound?

Probably.

Can you get, like, a sil*ncer for a guitar?
Like a g*n?

I don't... I don't think so.

Ooh!

This'll be a good time for
me to try out my new thing.

- What thing?
- Check it out.

What?

This way, when we meet new people,
I can flip it out, like a badge.

- Makes us look official.
- Right.

(CLATTERING)

- Stacey?
- Hello?

Stacey? What are you doing here?

I live here. Is that all?

- Uh, no, actually.
- There's been a noise complaint.

Oh. Well, that sounds serious.

You'd better come in.

OK.

Jim, could you come here?

My blog post only has two comments on it.

It's been up for a week.
I'm telling you, China are censoring it.

- Oh, hi.
- DANIEL: Hi.

Hi, Jim. We're here
in an official capacity.

One of your neighbours has made a complaint

about some noise coming from your house.

DANIEL: Guitar playing, to be specific.

Well, I've just started playing guitar.

Apparently,
it's pretty loud and it's bothering them.

Which neighbour?

- They'd prefer to remain anonymous.
- We can't say.

We know it's awkward, but we
were hoping we could find a solution.

Well, it's...
it's not like I play late at night

and I'm not playing the drums
or with a band or anything.

Exactly. It's one guitar. And he's great.

Thanks, honey.

Have you thought about lessons?

No, I teach myself on YouTube.

Look, I hate to be bothering somebody,

but I... I... I need to keep doing it.

For my health.

What? It's medicinal guitar?

I stopped smoking,
and my doctor recommended getting a hobby.

I... had my doubts,
but it's actually really working.

- Was it Grace?
- Yeah. She's been great.

- Mmm.
- And he's doing amazingly.

Almost a month now without smoking.

EMMA: Wow. Well done.

Yeah, great, so can you plug
headphones into your guitar?

No. It's an acoustic.

Don't suppose it has a sil*ncer attachment?

Look, I'm doing weekly gigs at
the pub to keep me accountable,

so if anything,
I'm gonna be practising more.

What? When? I'm always at the pub.

Saturday mornings. It's in my blog.

- That sounds so good.
- Look.

(SIGHS) I just don't want to
risk starting to smoke again.

So whoever doesn't like it,

I'm sorry, I'm just not gonna stop.

Yeah.

Have you tried air guitar?

- That's amazing.
- Stopping smoking is hard, man.

We should be supporting him,
not telling him to stop.

Yeah, well, there go the biscuits.

I wish I'd never tried them so I
wouldn't know what I was losing.

Uh, where are you going?
Aren't we gonna go tell her?

Yeah, we have to walk the other way round,

in case they watch where we go.

(THUDDING AND RUSTLING)

What are you doing in my backyard?

Daniel, stop fooling around! (GROANS)

If they see us,
they'll know it was you who complained.

Oh, right. Good idea.

Daniel, hurry up. Get your butt in.

So you put the biscuits away, then.

I didn't realise you'd
be back straightaway.

You don't want to get them out now or...

So, what's happening?
Are they gonna stop playing?

Uh... we can't make them stop.
They're not breaking the law.

And he's got a really good reason for it.

We don't want you to leave,
but if you really want to,

then that's your choice.

- There's just a small fee.
- I'm not moving out.

- DANIEL: What?
- Can you keep a secret?

Uh, yes. We just scaled a
fence to protect your identity.

- He went in a bush.
- What's going on?

The guitar playing doesn't bother me.

- Then why...
- Stacey's my friend.

They both are.

She's the one that can't
stand his guitar playing.

Well, she didn't want to hurt his feelings,
and...

... and she did not want
him to start smoking again,

so she thought if there
was an anonymous complaint,

he might change to a quieter instrument.

Or at least get some lessons.

Wow. You'd think it'd be
easier to just be honest.

- Yeah. I agree.
- I do too. I'm glad that's over.

I didn't really enjoy lying about all that.

Oh, well.
If it helps, you were quite good at it.

- Was I?
- Mmm.

Well, it doesn't really help at all.

Um, I'll let you guys go.

If you want another biscuit, just ask.

- Yes.
- Yes, please. Yeah.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

Sometimes I'm really happy
I'm not in a relationship.

I don't know what I'd do if that was me.

- I'd be honest.
- You would not.

When you were with
Grace, if she was bad at,

I don't know,
being a doctor but she loved it,

you wouldn't tell her to stop.

Well, people's lives would be at risk.
I'd have to say something.

Would you tell me if I
was bad at something?

Yeah, I'll do it right now.

- Cleaning the shower.
- (GROANS)

Do you think Grace is OK?

- Hm?
- After no-one came to her run.

I want to call her, but I...
I feel like now she has a partner,

it's not my place to cheer her up anymore.

Do you want to get back together with her?

Maybe. I don't know.

I just... I...
I don't want her to feel bad again... ever.

Well,
we don't have any inspections tomorrow.

We're just gonna be faffing about at work.

So how about we have lunch
at the pub and invite Grace?

And we can have an early lunch,
at, say, like, : .

- You want to see Jim play, huh?
- Yes. I need to know how bad he is.

I don't know whose side I'm on.

But, also, it would be nice for Grace

to see how she's helped
one of her patients.

- That is actually a good idea.
- Thank you.

OK. If you could play one
instrument really well, which one?

- Piano.
- Classy.

You?

- Drums.
- Really?

- Yeah, they seem like the most fun.
- You know.

Throwing sticks in the air and catching
'em and twirling 'em and...

Plus, you get to make this face.

You're good.

- You want to start freestyling along?
- Yeah. Just keep that b*at going.

- You gonna start?
- No.

I just wanted to see how
long you'd do it for.

A human or animal that has
polydactylism has what?

- What?
- Poly... I don't know. Look.

'Polydactyl'... I have no idea.

Alright. Well, let's think it out.
'Poly' means 'more than one', right?

And 'dac' means 'remove pants'.

I feel like Grace will know this one.

Hey, is her boyfriend joining us?

Oh, she said he's working this weekend.

He's always working. What does he do?

Oh. Something to do with contracts?

I don't really want to know, to be honest.

I kind of hope I never meet him
in case he's better than me.

- Impossible.
- Thanks, mate.

It's probably contracts
for selling g*ns to babies.

Yeah, probably.

- Grace! Over here.
- Oh.

Hey.

- Hi.
- Hi!

GRACE AND EMMA: Ooh!

Oh! Thanks for inviting me.

- No worries.
- (LAUGHS)

- How are you?
- Oh.

Um...

... I'm... yeah.

Is this about the fun run yesterday?

It's not just the fun run.

It's just so frustrating.

I feel like I've been trying
to get this town healthier,

but I don't think anyone cares.

I mean, they care enough to come and see me

when they've swallowed something pointy,

but not enough to do anything preventative.

Maybe people just hate running.

Yeah, but people were allowed to walk.

I mean, I tried to get the bakery

to put nutritional
information on their food,

but Dawn said that she
can't sell guilt-free treats

if people know how guilty they should feel

when they're eating them.

Well, maybe Dave would be
more open to hearing you out?

I told Dave he has to get

his prostate and bowel screened
regularly because of his age

and he got frustrated and
said I wasn't his mum.

Well, come on. Let's go talk to him anyway.

Come on!

We can do it.
We'll have a quick chat. Let's go.

- Come on.
- Good luck.

(CLEARS THROAT)

More lemonade? No.

Grace has had a brilliant idea that
she would like to talk to you about.

What?

It's so good. You're gonna love it.
Take it away, Doc.

Sorry. Forget I said that.
Grace. Let him have it.

Oh.

Uh... OK.

- Hey. You came.
- Hey.

- Great. An audience.
- Uh, yeah, yeah,

- I'm looking... looking forward to it.
- Oh, appreciate the support.

- We both do.
- No worries.

Must be cool being married to a musician.

It is, actually.

Come on, then, sweetheart.

Let's get this...
(SNAPS FINGERS) ... happening.

Oh, hey. Feel free to dance if you like.

Yeah, sure.

So it'd be no extra cost I mean,
you might even save money,

because you wouldn't be using as much oil,
for example.

Healthier for your patrons
and for your budget.

No.

Come on.
Don't you care about people's health?

People don't come to the
pub for their health.

You'll want me to replace the
dartboard with a treadmill next,

which I'm not gonna do.

What if you just put some
nutritional information on the menu?

Maybe people are curious.
It'll be way more work for Tammy.

She'd have to measure everything.

You're missing out on the health dollar.

All those athletes out there who
just want to come into the pub

and drop some cash on a healthy
meal before they go to athletics.

Tammy doesn't salt the
chips before they come out.

I think we've done enough.

You're part of the problem, pal.

You're not my mum.

- Em, it's OK.
- Alright. Hey, everyone.

Great to see so many people
out supporting live music.

I've got some originals for you today,

so, uh, take a seat and
I'll be with you in a moment.

Well, look at that. It's Jim,
just one of your many success stories.

- What?
- You helped him stop smoking.

No, I just gave him some advice.
I don't know if he's actually stopped.

He has - he said you
told him to get a hobby

and now he plays guitar instead of smoking.

He said it was all thanks to you.

- He did?
- Yeah. You made a huge impact on him.

And now he's a professional musician.

Want to go listen?

- Yeah. OK.
- Yes!

(GUITAR STRUMS)

Any luck with...

- This first song...
- Wait on! I'm not there yet.

Have you seen him before?

- No.
- No.

You've got this, baby. Whoo!

JIM: I was inspired
to write this first song

when I was watching TV late one night

and I saw an ad for baby wipes

and then an ad for a
funeral home straight after.

It's... it's called Two Extremes.

Yeah.

(PLAYS BADLY)

(GUITAR PLAYS BADLY)

JIM: Alright. That's it from me, everyone.

Whoo! Yes! Ooh.
Thanks for the encore request, Phil.

I'll see you all again next week.

(SIGHS)

Well, what did you think?

- Good.
- Good.

Oh, great. I just want to thank you again.

I haven't touched a cigarette
since I took this up.

Oh. You're welcome.

Anyway, I'll leave youse to it. Oh!

And at the bar,
there's a mailing list sign-up sheet,

if you want to book me for any gigs.

No children's parties, though.

I don't swear or anything like that.
It's just I... don't like kids.

Preach.

I don't know much about...

(CLEARS THROAT) ...
guitar and what's good or bad,

but he is really bad at guitar.

Well, he's... he's learning.

- And he's not smoking.
- Exactly. You did that.

Yeah, but it seems like he's the
only one who's listened to me.

Yeah, today, it's Jim, but tomorrow...

Tomorrow, it's probably still Jim.

That's if he's still at it.

Sorry.

- I... this was really lovely.
- Thank you.

If there's anything we can
do to make you feel better...

Um... I'd better go. Um...
Jason's taking me to the city after work.

Ooh, the city! Look out for celebrities.

- Catch up again soon?
- Sounds good.

Oh, Grace. Um,
do you know what polydact-something mea... ?

- It was in the quiz.
- Uh, polydactyl.

Yes!

It's when someone has more than
the normal amount of body parts,

like an extra finger.

Oh, I knew it. Daniel thought
it meant 'man without pants'.

- Bye.
- Bye.

(SIGHS)

(GROANS)

I really like Grace.

Are you sure you're not just feeling lonely

because you haven't had
a girlfriend in a while?

Yeah, this feels different.

I miss being the one who
could make her feel better.

I want to take her to the city.

OK, well...

... just don't do anything rash.

She is in a relationship right now.

Yeah, I know.

DAVE: Everything alright?

If you didn't like anything,
Tammy insists you say it to her face.

Do you want me to get her?

- Oh, no. Everything was great.
- No.

Oh, good. You know, for a health nut,
you can sure smash a schnitty.

Thank you.

Dave, why do you let Jim play?

I know how hard it is to quit.

Plus I'm the only pub in town,

so it's not as if he can
scare away the customers.

Mmm.

Maybe if he had a decent drummer
backing him up, he'd sound better.

And I might just happen to know a guy.

(GLASS RINGS)

Are you OK?

I think I might go for a walk.

Clear my head.

Or I could come on the walk with you.

Or we could both blow
off going back to work

'cause it's Saturday and
there's not much to do.

Normally I'd let you talk me into that,
but... (SIGHS)

... sorry.

OK.

Well, I'll see you back there.

- Text me if you fall into a pothole.
- (KEYS JINGLE)

I will.

Mrs Marsh, if you could have an extra limb,
what would you pick?

What?

You're allowed to have
one more of everything.

You know, another eye, another arm,
whatever you want. What do you pick?

Uh, an eye in the back of my head.

Oh. Why?

So I don't have to turn my
head when I'm reversing.

Barbara,
what do you think 'polydactyl' means?

- I'm not Google.
- No, I know what it means.

Dave just called. You
need to go to the pub.

OK. You don't want to know why?

Oh. Uh, sure. Why?

DANIEL: ♪ She got to be loved ♪

♪ She got to be loved, got to be... ♪

Oh, good, you're here.
He's been up there for minutes.

♪ She got to be... ♪

He just plugged his phone into the speaker.

- Boo!
- ♪ ... be loved, got to be loved... ♪

- This is a pub, not a karaoke bar!
- ♪ She got to... ♪

- Finally!
- Can you get him off the stage?

He's ruining Frank's birthday drinks.

- ♪ ... be loved, got to be loved... ♪
- I know what to do.

♪ She got to be loved... ♪

Whoo! Go, Daniel!

♪ She got to be loved ♪

♪ Got to be loved ♪

- ♪ Oh... ♪
- Whoo!

♪ She got to be love-ed ♪

- ♪ She got to be loved... ♪
- Ah!

- Thank you, thank you, thank you!
- That was magnificent!

- Great.
- Oh, shut up, Phil.

- Stick to real estate.
- What?

I think she's just suggesting
maybe don't give up your day job.

Oh, what do you know, mate?
Your wife hates your guitar.

- Daniel!
- What?

She hates it, mate.
She made a fake noise complaint.

I thought we were gonna lose our biscuits.

What?

♪ Somebody... ♪

- Why didn't you just tell me?
- Because you love it.

And... and it's good for you.

I'm so proud of you for quitting,
and I know how hard it was.

This whole time, you hated it.

Well, not hated. Not immediately.

But after the first half an hour.

I never should have asked Erin.

I don't know, I just thought maybe...

... you'd consider lessons?

It's fine.

- It's fine. Of course.
- I'll get lessons.

I had no idea.

I can't believe you put up with something

that was bothering you so much.

Of course. I love you.

I love you too.

- Oh, look at 'em rub it in.
- Get a room!

Alright. You're coming with me. Let's go.

- Oh!
- Bye, everyone!

Hey, uh, Jim, play your song again.
Two Extremes.

Bad to worse! Bad to worse!
That's the two extremes of your song!

♪ Bad to worse! ♪ (SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

(KEYS JINGLE)

(HONKS HORN) I'm up! Hello?

We're home.

I don't feel good.

Probably the glasses of wine you had.

(SIGHS) Thanks for coming to get me,
if that's what you did.

I'm a bit hazy.

Why didn't you tell me you were
gonna get drunk and sing karaoke?

It's illegal to do that
without your best friend.

Because I thought you'd say
getting drunk while feeling sad's

a really bad idea.

I would have,
but I didn't know karaoke was on the cards.

Did I text Grace?

I think you tried to, but you got confused

and you text someone called Gary instead.

(SIGHS)

By the way, Gary just wants to be friends.

I'm sorry, mate.

Between...

... Grace having a boyfriend and
not being able to cheer her up,

I... I don't know.

Oh, it's OK. I get it.

Oh, I... I said the stuff about Jim.

You did, but it's OK.

I mean, Stacey was pissed at you,
but Jim understood her reasons.

It was actually beautiful.

It's pretty cool what people
will do for someone they love.

And it gave me a good idea.

(HONKS HORN) DANIEL: I'm up!

(LOUD KNOCK AT DOOR)

Emma, is everything OK?

- It's very early.
- Yeah.

Do you want to come in for a coffee or... ?

No, no, I just had to tell you,
I figured out

why no-one came to the fun run.

Oh, OK. Um, why?

You had the date wrong.

- But I chose the date...
- Yeah. It's actually on today.

And we're gonna be late.
So go get changed and then let's go.

- No, but I...
- Move it. (CLAPS HANDS) Come on.

- Quick sticks!
- OK. Um...

- Oh, my God!
- Ah?

How?

I just called around and
asked people to do it for YOU.

They might not care about
their fitness that much, but...

... they care about you.

And when they thought of it that way,
everyone said yes immediately.

So they're here for you,
but, as a by-product,

also for themselves,
because they get exercise,

which is good for them, and good for you,

because that's what YOU want for them.

- Look, it's a real win-win situation.
- You should explain that again.

- Shut up.
- (LAUGHS) Wow.

(LAUGHS)

Everyone... everyone loves you, Grace.

- Dan, are you OK?
- Yeah.

Ready to...

... run and... have fun.

GRACE: This is amazing.

I guess I should get to the start line.

- Thank you so much.
- No worries.

You gonna spew?

You couldn't have done
this on a different day?

No. Hey,
you know what's good for a hangover?

- Running.
- Oh, funny.

Oh, come on.

- Exercise is exercise, mate.
- I'll race you, Danny.

You don't think that's a bit unfair?

It's not my fault you didn't bring a bike.

Are you hung-over, mate? Someone's
not taking their fitness seriously.

- Unbelievable.
- Shall we get started, everyone?

Hey, kick us off with a song, Danny.

(LAUGHTER)

OK. On your marks...

- Is this a race? I haven't trained!
- No, no, it's just for fitness.

- I'll win, though.
- Oh, wonder why.

Uh, get set.

Go!

(GAGS)

(VOMITS)

Run it off, mate.

Can you please give me all of your money?

- Nice cardigan.
- Uh, feel free to intervene, Greg.

You won't get away with this.

- I heard someone robbed the bakery.
- This is Michael.

- He's me brother.
- Nice cardigan.

- Well, that's not a lot to go on.
- I've got something else.

- Don't say a hunch.
- A hunch.

(VEHICLE APPROACHES)

sh*t. We're too late.

PHIL: ♪ In my eardrums,
I can't hear nothing but your voice ♪

♪ You harnessed my eyeballs ♪

♪ I can only see what you want me to ♪

♪ Funny, 'cause if you'd asked me ♪

♪ That would have been my choice ♪

♪ I don't want to hear nothin' ♪

♪ I don't want to see nothin' but you...
♪

- He's getting pretty good.
- ♪ You're so fine, but... ♪

- Not as good as you, mate.
- I know.

♪ You make me squirm ♪

♪ Made me president ♪

♪ Baby, you've given me a second term ♪

♪ You m*nled my backbone ♪

♪ I can't bend to any other's will... ♪