04x11 - It's Always Open

[bunniefuu]

♪ La la la la la la ♪

♪ Oh ♪

[Carly Rae Jepsen]
♪ Whatever happened to predictability? ♪

♪ The milkman, the paperboy,
the evening TV? ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ Everywhere you go ♪

♪ There's a heart, there's a heart,
a hand to hold on to ♪

♪ Everywhere you look,
everywhere you go ♪

♪ There's a face, there's a face
of somebody who needs you ♪

♪ There's a heart ♪

♪ Everywhere you look, yeah ♪

♪ When you're lost out there,
and you're all alone ♪

♪ A light is waiting to carry you home ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ La la la la la la ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Ooh, la la la la la ♪

Oh, Deej. Wanna come to yoga with me
at the rec center?

The rec center?
Thought they only used that place

for birthday parties
for people turning 100.

If I make it to 100, my party better be
somewhere with an open bar.

If you turn 100, I'm gonna
tell people I'm your younger sister.

The baby... it's coming.

[stammers] My baby? This baby?

But we're going to yoga.

Yeah. Your due date's
not for a month and a half.

Tell that to my cervix.
It doesn't have a calendar.

Oh, boy. Or... girl. Oh.

Ooh, I got to call Jimmy.

Okay. We just, we have to get
to the hospital, so...

-Okay.
-Let's go get in the...

the thing... th-th-that drives.
The thing, the thing.

The wheels, the wheels.
What's it called?

-Car.
-The car.

Okay. We're going--
Wait. Where's the go-bag?

Oh, Jimmy hasn't packed them yet.
And he's not answering the phone.

Stop yelling in front of the...

the thing inside me. What is it called?

-The baby.
-The baby!

Okay, we're gonna call Jimmy
from the car.

-Let's go.
-Okay. Go!

I'm holding it in.
I will not have another car baby.

Well, that was embarrassing.

Who knew indigestion
could feel just like childbirth?

Two thousand bucks
so Kimmy could fart on a nurse.

Steph, I still can't believe
that we never got hold of Jimmy.

-What if this had been the real thing?
-But it wasn't.

I mean, look, am I disappointed
he wasn't there? Yes.

Do I wish he would step up a little more?

-Yes.
-So are you gonna tell him?

No.

It's not how our relationship works.
Jimmy does his thing, and I do mine.

Jimmy's different than the other Gibblers.
He's a little weird.

I'm sure he had a good reason
for not answering his phone.

Holy cow, babe, don't move.
There's a Pokémon right behind you.

See? Good reason.

-Why didn't you answer your phone?
-I was in game mode.

Oh, I got five voicemails from you.
I should listen to those.

-Sweet cheese, we're having a baby.
-No, give it to me.

Honey, it was a false alarm,
but next time, it won't be,

so if I call you,
just please answer your phone.

-Okay.
-Okay.

Is that it?

Yes, it is. If you don't mind me
having my own relationship.

You and I need to chat.

Uh-oh, Jimmy. That's never good.

Go ahead, Deej. This is gonna be good.

What's on your mind, Deej?
I'm all ears and a good chunk of biceps.

Stephanie is never gonna say this to you,
so as her big sister, I am.

And as your big sister...

I will listen because I have no idea
what she's gonna say next.

Jimmy, I am really worried about you.

There's a baby on the way
and you don't seem very ready.

You never packed Stephanie's go-bag.
The crib is still in the box.

-You have to be more responsible.
-I'm very responsible.

I just got a photo gig in Nepal,
which is not pronounced "nipple."

Learned that one the hard way.

This is what I'm talking about.

You're gonna leave
when the baby is on its way?

From what I'm hearing,
it sounds like you want me to say no.

Ooh, ooh, I got it.

What if Jimmy stays with Stephanie,
and I go to Nipple to have the baby?

And he's a little weird? Oh, I give up.

-The Nipplese are very good breastfeeders.
-I know...

Here is your tea, Mrs. Gibbler.

Wow. Why, thank you, Casey.

I'm so excited to have
my first high-school intern.

Well, it was either this
or taking wood shop.

And this scarf does not go with a bandsaw.

[ringtone]

Oop. Hold on, boss. I got this.

Gibbler Style Party Planning.
How may I direct your call?

Oh, yes. Let me see
if I can grab Mrs. Gibbler.

Ah, I'm so sorry.
It looks like she's actually unavail.

I'll have her return.
Okay, bye now. Light and love.

Wow, that was impressive.

Stephanie just hands me the phone
and says, "Talk."

See, the less avail you are,
the more they want you.

l learned that
on Million Dollar Listings New York.

Bravo, Bravo.

You are such a hoot.

Oh. And you have the elegance
of a flamingo.

Casey... I'm spoken for.

But go on. Name another bird.

So, for the Lopez quinceañera,
I booked the DJ,

rented the silverware,

and I booked you
an appointment at the extensions bar.

Some lift in the back
will really bring out those cheekbones.

Why did I never have an intern before?

You do all this work.
You throw compliments at me.

And I don't pay you?

Listen, your smiles are payment enough.

Well, then here's a bonus.

Don't spend it all in one place.

Who is this strapping young man
swanning about the kitchen?

I am the only strapping young man
who's supposed to swan about the kitchen.

Fernando, this is my new intern, Casey.

Hmm. The same Casey
who just hung up on me

and claimed you will return.

One and the same.
Nice to meet you.

I'm not gonna lie. He really built buzz
by saying you were unavail.

Mm, thank you.

[watch timer beeps]

Uh, speaking of unavail,
I'm gonna miss my Broadway spin class.

Tonight is Bike of Mormon.

-Later potater.
-Bye.

-Wow.
-[door closes]

He's attractive, he's funny,
and he's incredibly well-groomed.

-Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
-He's perfect for Ramona?

I was gonna say you should fire him.

He's adorable.
We have enough of that around here.

-What the--?
-Cancel the ambulance, Gladys.

They're alive.

Happy birthday. You look 100 years young.

It's my mom's birthday. I'm 60.

We must have fallen asleep
at the meditation at the end of yoga.

I feel completely refreshed.

How can you be so relaxed
after what happened with Jimmy?

It's fine.
It's not gonna happen again.

Look, if you don't set expectations
before the baby arrives,

it's only gonna get worse.

It seems to be bothering you
a lot more than it's bothering me.

I couldn't be more chill. Ow! Son of a--

[blows whistle]

Hey, you, Buttercup. Get off the court.

Which one of us is Buttercup?

Lady, I don't care.
You can be Buttercup, too.

Just get off my court.

Oh, yes, I was Buttercup.

Dude, we were in the middle of
a conversation.

We're in the middle of dodgeball tryouts.

Why don't you make like a yoga mat
and roll on home?

-Excuse me?
-Steph.

-Just listen to the guy. Let's go.
-No, no.

Nobody gets away
with not calling me Buttercup.

What are you laughing at, punk?
I could dodge circles around these girls.

-All right, I want in.
-Stephanie, what are you doing?

Okay, blondie. One of my players
transitioned to the men's team.

-See what you got.
-Mm-hmm.

Stephanie, that lady has an ankle monitor.

And I saw that one smoking.

Those ladies will k*ll you.

Nah, it's a safe sport. Now sign here
in the event your demise,

dismemberment, or decapitation.

[groans]

Yeah.

[more groans]

Quit your whining, Francis. Walk it off.

You know, as a compassionate human being,
I'm unsettled,

but as a dodgeball professional,
I'm loving what I'm seeing here.

Who was that out there?

I'll tell you who. My new star player.

Take that, Mom.
I'm moving out of the basement.

♪ Doo-ya, doo-dow ♪

Ramona, we have great news for you.

That almost always means
not great news.

You know how you always say
that your love life is "in the pits"?

I've never said that.

I know I've heard it somewhere.

It's true. You haven't
gone out with anyone

since you allegedly dated
that Japanese pop star.

Allegedly?

You were with me at the concert.
You saw him pull me onstage.

Tsk. I don't know what I saw.
It was Japan.

That country is mostly robots.

Ramona, the great news is
I've set you up with the perfect boy.

That's my cue to eat dinner
somewhere else.

I think she wants me to follow her.

-Ramona, stop.
-Mom, you stop.

You meddle in everything.

I never won a medal.

Though I did come in fourth
in the Olympic bobsled.

Funny story.

-I was a waitress in Lillehammer and--
-No, no.

Med-dle. Like the time
you dressed as a rapper

and came to my school
with a clock around your neck?

I'm sure I had a really good reason,
homeslice. Ooh-ooh.

Or the time you dressed as a rat king
and snuck into my Christmas pageant.

Mm.

The newspaper said it was a performance
that would haunt them forever.

That was not a compliment.

What about the time
I sh*t everyone in laser tag

to stop you from kissing Popko?

Now you're even meddling in me
telling you how much you meddle.

This is different.
I found you the perfect guy.

And you're gonna go on a date with him
and fall in love

and get married and have two children--

Kimberlina and Kimberlando.

Not doing it.

Too late.
I already confirmed for tomorrow.

Fine. I'll meet him because
I don't want to leave the guy hanging.

But will you promise
to stop interfering in my life?

You know I can't make you that promise.

Oh. I'm running out of places
to storm off to.

Oh, don't storm off so fast.

I'm pregnant.

Ooh. Nothing like smashing balls
in ladies' faces to work up a thirst.

Yeah, we need to talk
about what happened at the gym today.

The way you took out
those other girls was--

Masterful?

Psychotic.

Look, I think that your funneling
all your suppressed anger into dodgeball

instead of talking to your boyfriend,

co-parent, or whatever it is
you're calling him today.

I'm not like you. I don't have to label
every relationship I have.

But maybe
if you defined your relationships,

you would have an equal partner

who would be willing to bear
equal responsibility.

Maybe I already have exactly what I want.

Maybe you're jealous because
I found something I'm better at than you.

What? Oh, no. Okay, that's not true.

I was just too afraid to try.

♪ Ooh-ooh ♪

I love your lob.

You look like Vanessa Hudgens
if the world didn't forget about her.

You're gay, right?

Hello.

This is so typical of my mom.

She's always setting you up
with cute gay guys?

And, yes, I just called myself cute.
Deal with it.

My mom may not have the best gaydar.

For the longest time,
she wanted to marry Ricky Martin.

Well, it's not her fault. Moms love me.

I'm polite, I'm witty, I spent $300
on designer suspenders.

My mom's out of her mind
and a world-class meddler.

It's because she's obsessed
with how much she loves you.

I mean, I've only known her
45 minutes, but...

she spent 44 of those minutes
talking about you.

And the other minute she spent
talking about her bobsledding career?

Oh, no. She tells that to people
outside of the house?

Look, the only thing me and my mom
can bond over is The Handmaid's Tale.

-And she's rooting for Aunt Lydia.
-Ooh.

You're so lucky you have a mom
you can talk to.

Seriously? You think my mom is cool?

I'm having trouble processing that.

Have you seen her bacon-and-egg scarf?
She's iconic.

-Still processing.
-Mm.

Talk about my hair some more.

[women grunting]

Thanks for inviting me, Deej. I've never
been to a real dodgeball game before.

Ooh, it's so violent.

They haven't started yet.

Yeah, look at those feet
pounding on the hardwood floors.

That's ten future cases
of plantar fasciitis.

I'm really worried about Steph.

Not because she's playing a contact sport
against ladies with neck tattoos.

She hasn't spoken to me
since we had that fight about Jimmy.

[ringtone]

Hey, Max.

Mom, where are the suitcases?
Jimmy's packing and wants to know.

What?

I think Jimmy's
getting on a plane to Nepal.

What if he's gone so long
he misses the birth?

Hey, Max?
You and Jackson stall Jimmy.

Confusing Jimmy is my specialty.

Hey, Jimmy,
let me explain Inception to you again.

Okay, I've got to get to Steph,
and she has to talk to Jimmy.

Whoa, whoa.
Where do you think you're going?

This is important. I have to talk to
my sister. Hey, Stephanie.

Not talking to you.

Only dodgeball players
walk out on this court.

You don't know the first thing
about dodgeball.

Uh, you dodge balls.

Okay, lucky guess.

-You're still not getting on this court.
-[blows whistle]

Hustle up. On me.

-Line up, ladies.
-You ready? Let's go.

Tell me, tell me, tell me everything.

It took all my strength
not to dress up like Mrs. Doubtfire

and spy on you from the alcove.

I've never done that.

Casey's pretty awesome.
In fact, we're going to prom together.

[gasps] Can I pick 'em?
Oh, can I pick 'em.

He's smart, he's charming.

We can share jeans.

There's just one teensy little problem.

Ramona, don't be such a nitpicker.
You're always finding faults.

Mom, he's gay.

What? That doesn't make sense.

He's a 17-year-old aspiring event planner
who wears fashionable scarves indoors--

Oh...

"Oh" is right.

I'm sorry, honey.

You were right.

-I should never have meddled.
-No.

Actually, I'm glad you did this time.

Casey helped me realize
how fantastic my mom is.

Wait, I'm your mom.

Did you just call me fantastic?

You accept people for who they are.

I'm lucky to grow up in a house
feeling like I can be myself.

I realize now that not everyone has that.

Oh...

Does this mean
you're not mad at me for meddling?

You got lucky this time.

Yas queen.

Casey taught me that.

In retrospect, there were some signs
I should have picked up on.

Oh, grrrl.

So, what do you think, Doc?

Wow, I mean, look at those arches.
No bunions or corns.

I'd say you have the foot
of a 70-year-old.

I'm 60, you quack.

[intro music playing]

Dudes and dames,

put your mitts together
for your favorite dodgeball team,

Sphere Pressure.

Patty Hurts.

Helen k*ller.

The always terrifying Hurt Lock Her.

And last but not least,
our newest star--

Mary J. Blooding.

And playing against them tonight,
it's the Oakland m*rder Hers.

Quake in fear for Barbara Butch.

Rosa Sharks.

Meana Davis.

Ruth Hater Killsburg.

Scariest of all, recently released
from Langley Porter Psychiatric Hospital,

it's Hannigirl Lecter...

Boo!

D.J., what are you doing here?

It's the only way I could get close enough
for you to hear me.

Plus, you have to admit
that was pretty awesome.

Myah.

I have something important
you need to know.

-Why couldn't it wait until we got home?
-Because you need to know now.

[klaxon sounds]

[cheers and whistles]

Remember that next time
you mess with Hannigirl Lecter.

Steph, wait.

You and I both know that this is about
your inability to confront Jimmy.

Jimmy has his life
and I have mine, alright?

It's part of our unspoken agreement.

Or is that just an excuse,

because you are too afraid
to tell him what you want?

[mutters] What if he doesn't want
what I want?

Well, then at least you'll know
whether or not to move on.

I don't want to know that.

-Right now, all I care about is winning.
-Jimmy's leaving.

He's what?

What are you doing, cupcake?
Finish her.

But where's he going?

I think he's going on an assignment.

-No, I don't want him to go.
-Don't tell me. Go tell him.

Steph,
if he's gonna be co-parent of this child,

then you have to tell him
what you need from him. Now.

-Okay. I'm going. I'm going.
-Wait, Steph.

I'm sorry we fought.

It's just that I want what's best for you.

-I love you.
-I love you, too.

Oh, uh, one more thing.

What? You thought you were better than me?
Big sisters always win.

[cheering]

So, in Inception...

if Leonardo DiCaprio's top is spinning,

all of this is real
or none of this is real?

Exactly.

Wait, but is the iceberg real?

Different movie.

Whoa.

Don't go.

Look, Jimmy...

This kid is about to change
everything for us, okay? And...

up until now, we've been pretty
loosey-goosey with our relationship.

If we're gonna be co-parents, I need you
to be there as a full-time father

in our baby's life, okay?
So, please, please don't take that job.

I already turned it down.

But D.J. said you were packing a bag.

Yeah. The go-bags for the hospital.

Look, there's all your toiletries
and your clothes.

So, you were never planning on leaving?

Of course not.
I'd never miss the birth of our kid.

Freakin' D.J. What a meddler.

I want to be with you
every step of the way.

I want to be the father
that you want me to be.

I love you, Steph.

[both] Ooh.

Come on, I got one other thing
to show you.

[both] Ooh.

Oh.

Honey, you put the crib together.

Oh, it's perfect.

I love you.

But how are we gonna get this
down to my room? It...

-It's way too big to fit down the stairs.
-Well...

guess we could raise the baby
in the kitchen.

Or we could disassemble the crib
and take it down in pieces.

See, this is why we're so good together.

[Steph chuckles]

-Babe?
-Yeah?

Is Mrs. Doubtfire real?

What? No. No.

Whoa.

[imitates Robin Williams] Oh, deary.

I love a happy ending.

♪ La la la la la la ♪

[Carly Rae Jepsen] One, two, three, four

♪ Oh ♪

[theme music playing]

♪ La la la la la la ♪

♪ Oh ♪