05x13 - College Tours

[bunniefuu]

You're wasting your time.

I've been trying to get that screen
unfrozen for a day.

-And if I can't, you certainly--
-And unfrozen.

How-- How did you do that?

I just updated your operating system
and cleaned out your browser history.

By the way, shame on you.

Bachelor in Paradise?

It's a guilty pleasure,
but I can quit at any time.

No, I can't.

-Good morning. Hi.
-Good morning.

-What's all this?
-Oh.

Brochures from every highly selective
college in America,

including all eight Ivies.

I got a flier
from the local blackjack academy.

It's addressed to "current resident."

That's me.

I get a lot of mail.

I also go by "occupant."

Wait, Ramona,

all of these schools
are on the East Coast.

I know, and they all have
outstanding programs in women's studies.

But the East Coast is so far away.

And the Bay Area has plenty
of women to study.

There's two of them right here.

Mom, you have to trust that I'm looking
at schools that are right for me.

But I always imagined you'd go to college
somewhere closer to home.

Like right here at the kitchen island.

Kimmy, our kids are growing up.

It's important that we support them
and respect their life choices.

Well, I'm glad you feel that way

because... I'm not sure
I want to go to college.

Oh, you're going to college.

And that's my cue to go.

That's my cue to stay.

Jackson.

College is where you--
you figure out who you want to be.

You know, I thought that I was
going to be an English teacher,

until I realized I liked llamas
more than commas.

So I became a veterinarian.

Well, I already know what I want to do.

-You do? What?
-Not have this conversation.

Man.

I can't believe my child
might not go to college.

Even Stephanie took her tuition money

and drank her way through Portugal.

Don't sweat it, Deej.

Hey, I didn't get into any
of my top college picks and look at me.

I live in your attic.

Oh, hey, these aren't all
from the East Coast.

This one's from California University,
my alma mater.

Aw.

CU was my first rejection letter.

And I got that before I even applied.

Hey, wait a minute.

Why don't we take Jackson and Ramona
on a campus tour?

Give them a glimpse of real college life.

That's a great idea.

And maybe that will encourage Ramona
to pick a school that's more...

kitchen island-adjacent.

And encourage Jackson to go to college.

I'll go put on my cheerleading uniform.

Why do you have a cheerleading uniform?

You were never a cheerleader.

I was also never a Schuyler sister,
a giant sandwich, a rat king,

a Benihana chef or Mrs. Doubtfire.
You're pulling that thread now?

-[theme song playing]
-♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪

[vocalizing]

♪ Whatever happened to predictability? ♪

♪ The milkman, the paper boy
The evening TV ♪

[vocalizing]

♪ Everywhere you look
Everywhere you go ♪

♪ There's a heart, there's a heart
A hand to hold onto ♪

♪ Everywhere you look
Everywhere you go ♪

♪ There's a face, there's a face
Somebody who needs you ♪

♪ There's a heart ♪

♪ Everywhere you look, yeah ♪

♪ When you're lost out there
And you're all alone ♪

♪ A light is waiting to carry you home ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪

[vocalizing]

So you're going with DJ
to her alma mater?

Good luck with that.

What do you mean?

♪ Rub-a-dub-dub, who's a Cal U Cub? ♪

Whoo!

That. I mean that.

What? I'm proud to be a California Cub.

And I can't wait to show Jackson
how exciting college is.

-Steph, why don't you come with us?
-Oh, absolutely not.

I didn't even go to college
when I pretended to go.

Ah, but I sure love Portuguese whiskey.

So what else are you doing today?

Nothing.

Dad has Danielle and Tommy,
so for the first time in months,

I'll have a moment alone.

No diaper changing,
no rehearsals with Lisa Loeb,

no wedding planning,

no explaining to Jimmy where
the light goes in the refrigerator

when you close the door.

I always wonder that, too.

Not now, Gibbler.

I am using today
to get centered and focused.

I even downloaded
a meditation app for $1.99,

and it promised me three dollars
of relaxation.

Ah, my journey to inner peace begins now.

[overlapping chatter, shouting]

Oh!

And my journey to inner peace
ends now.

[siren wailing on TV]

What-- what are you guys doing here?

I live here.

No, you don't.

Then why am I always here?

And binging Fast and the Furious
one through eight?

No. No, no, no.

You guys can't be here.

-No.
-Why not?

Because...

you guys have tuxedo fittings.

What?
But the wedding's not for six more weeks.

We have tons of time.

The appointments were set ages ago.
Didn't you see it on DJ's bridal calendar?

[all] DJ's bridal calendar!

Okay, why are we standing here?
I'll drive.

[Jimmy muttering]

I thought
I was the famous race car driver?

-But she's my fiancée.
-Good point, you drive.

Wait. Fast and the Furious howl on three,
one, two, three.

[all] Family.

[vocalizing]

So, this concludes our tour
of California University.

I hope you enjoyed seeing the quad,
the cafeteria and the science lab,

where for the very first time,
my tour was asked to leave.

What? I can't help it if I knew all
the answers to the professor's questions.

Dean's list DJ back on campus, baby!

Look, Ramona, a squirrel.

You don't see rodents like that
back on the East Coast.

Yes, Mom.
New York is notoriously rodent-free.

Jackson.

-Anything spark your interest?
-Absolutely.

Really? What?

The meal plan that lets me
eat pizza all day.

Okay, well, you have to start somewhere.

There is more to college
than just the classes.

The social scene is lit.

Mom, you can't use that word.

Did I say it wrong?

Yes, you said it while being a mom.

Also, oh, Greek life is amazing.

When I attended CU, I was the president
of my sorority, Delta Upsilon Delta.

You were a DUD? I'm a DUD!

[both] Go, DUDs!

Seriously, you call yourselves DUDs?

It was the best sorority at CU.

Every girl was practically
b*ating down our door to rush DUD.

Well, things have kind of changed
since you graduated.

No one wants to join DUD anymore.
We only have four members.

Ouch! What happened?

Now, everyone wants to join
Zeta Beta Gamma,

or as they call it, Zeta Beta Glamma.

ZBG?

They were our fiercest rivals.

But ever since they stole the Bronze Cap--

They stole the Bronze Cap?

What's the Bronze Cap?

The Bronze Cap is the mortar board
of CU's first female graduate.

We haven't had it in our possession
since your senior year, Mrs. Fuller.

Wow, that is a long time ago.

Like, a really, really long time ago.

Well, this isn't right.

We need to revive the DUD spirit.

We need to sneak into the Zeta house
and steal back the cap.

An inspirational campus speech
leading to potential sorority high jinks?

You don't get that on the East Coast.

I'm sorry, we met them on the bus.

Chop-chop, money is time!

Looks good!

Like James Bond.

Looks also good.

Like guy who does James Bond taxes.

Looks not good.

Like James Bond grandmother's curtains.

[imitates retching]

Guys, for the wedding, I feel like
we should all have one cohesive look.

Then let's go with mine.

My tuxedo expresses class and elegance.

But mostly because I'm in it.

But mine expresses individuality.
and hides my problem areas.

Berta has opinion.

You're both wrong.

But I thought you liked mine?

Berta change mind.

Berta is hot mess.

Now this...

this perfection.

Berta signature tuxedo.

I order one for each of you.

That's good for me.

No, I am getting married,
not hosting the 1964 Oscars.

Well, I don't want to look like
I'm parking cars at the Golden Nugget.

Jimmy.

What do you think?

Oh, I'll tell you what I think.

I think I'm going to call Steph
and she'll tell me what I think.

[woman on app]
Let's bring attention to our breath.

[tranquil music playing through app]

[Stephanie snoring]

[phone ringing]

I don't want to go to school, Dad.
Gia's going to make me smoke.

Hello?

Hey, Steph, we really need your help
settling this argument about the tuxedos.

We've been over this.

You have no problem areas.

[tranquil meditation music continues]

She didn't pick up.

Well, there's only one thing left to do.
We need to call somebody with style,

with panache and the brutal honesty
of The New York Times' theater critic.

You pulled me out of chess club for this?

[dance music playing]

Okay, sisters of Delta Upsilon Delta,

and occupants of the Fuller house...

today, we are here to rediscover
our inner DUD spirit.

Today, we reclaim the Bronze Cap.

-Yes!
-[girls squeal]

See, Jackson?

This is the perfect opportunity
for you to experience

the best of college tomfoolery
firsthand.

Tomfoolery?

I liked it better when you said "lit."

Excuse me. Hi.

Aren't you a little old
to be at a sorority party?

You think we're only a little old?

Kimmy, focus!

[Kimmy clears throat]

We are official representatives
from the national charter.

We're here on official business,
unofficially.

Uh-oh.

I'm here to make sure you know
how to party like a rock star!

[all cheering]

Hey.

Who wants to limbo? Yeah?

How about you,
young lady who I've never met?

I guess I do!

[limbo music playing]

[whispers] There.

That's the Bronze Cap,

waiting for me to nab it.

Nab it?

Lit? Pick a generation!

I'd be angry at your snarkiness,
but you sound like a college student.

-Kimmy.
-Yeah.

I need help distracting everyone
so I can take back the cap.

Can you clear the room?

No problem.

Nobody knows how to clear a room
like a Gibbler.

Hey, what are you guys talking about?

[chuckles]

Oh, my god!
This is, like, the coolest party ever!

I'm glad you think so.

You know, I think you would be
an excellent candidate to join the Zetas.

[gasps]

What? Me?

A ZBG? OMG!

Attention, party people.

I have the most exciting,
unexpected announcement.

Guess who's playing
a free, impromptu concert

right now at the student union?

Boy George!

I want to get on board,
but who's Boy George?

Say it's Billie Eilish.

Oops.

I got it wrong. Silly me. [chuckles]

It's Billy Idol.

It's Billie Eilish, let's go!

[girls cheering]

What? Jackson.

I need your help standing guard
so I can get the cap.

And miss Billie Eilish?

There's no Billie Eilish.

You really should consider college.

This looks like Grandma's curtains.

That's what Berta say.

This color washes you out.

Little man is brilliant.

But this? This is the worst of all.

[gasps] Little man know nothing!

This is Berta's signature tuxedo.

Well, your signature is illegible.

[gasps]

Whoa, slow down there, Max.

Yes, ease off the sass pedal.

What's wrong with my suit?

You look like you're about
to perform magic

at the Howard Johnson's by the airport.

Is classic!

[imitates Berta] Is boring!

Berta's highly offended.

Berta phoning it in.

That's it!

No tuxedos for you.

Uh, excuse me, Mrs. Berta?

When you say no tuxedos,
do you mean...

no tuxedos?

Does Berta stutter?

Not since speech therapy.

It's San Francisco, honey.

They can get a tuxedo at a 7-Eleven.

Berta also canceling
your brides' wedding dresses.

[all three] No!

You can't! The women took forever
picking them out, enduring your abuse--

I mean charm.

Canceled!

And I keep deposit.

[Jimmy moaning]

I should text Steph.

Maybe. Perhaps not.

Perhaps it'd be better
if we just cancel the wedding,

and start new lives under assumed names.

I'll be... Fernando.

Good luck.

Being Fernando is not as easy as it looks.

[woman on app]
By now, you should be at the peak

of your relaxation.

I am.

[message alert chimes]

[grunts]

What?!

This is it. I'm bringing home the cap.

Come to Mama.

Oh, my lasers!

This room is lit.

Mom, that's technically correct,
but don't move.

What's happening?

It's a highly sensitive security system.

If you move and trip any of the lasers,

you'll set off the alarm.

Well, how am I gonna get the cap
out of here?

And how do you know all that stuff?

I set up the same security system
in my room

to stop Max from organizing
my sock drawer.

I'm kidding, it's simple.

It has a similar operating system
to your basic cell phone.

It has an intuitive user interface.

I didn't understand a single word
you said,

which must mean you know
what you're talking about.

Just get me out of here.

Okay.

I'm in.

And yet you can't remember not to leave
dirty spoons in the sink.

I think I see a way out of this.

I'm gonna talk you
through the maze of lasers

so you can get out of here safely.

Get down low.

[dramatic music plays]

Now get on your stomach.

Quarter-turn to your right.

Pyramid!

Get up slowly.

Watch your left.

Matrix!

Now kick.

And cartwheel.

Mom, you were amazing.

Me? What about you?

I was pretty good, wasn't I?

And despite the great risk
of near-certain blindness,

I really enjoyed it.

I know!

I know, so did I.
Wait, wait, what? Near-certain blindness?

The point is you got out
and you still have all six senses.

What do you mean our dresses are canceled?

Tiny man insult Berta's signature tuxedo.

Nobody insult the Bertux.

Look, Berta, let me deal with tiny man.

Tiny man...

you have got to apologize to Berta.

Why would I apologize for being right?

Okay, Max, I know you have
some very strong opinions,

some of which may even be right.

But it's not okay to insult someone's
professional work in front of them.

But you always make fun
of Joey's woodchuck.

Yeah, behind his back.

And more importantly,
it doesn't hurt his feelings.

Now, go.

Berta.

Yeah?

I'm...

I'm sorry.

Sorry because I can't apologize
for being right.

Tiny man remains unfixed.

No dresses for you.

Berta, look...

I know that this is probably
just another tuxedo

and just another dress
for just another wedding for you.

But this day...

this wedding, it's one
that I never thought would happen.

And it's the day that I get to marry
the love of my life

alongside my sister and my best friend,

who gave me the baby
that I never thought I'd have.

That was the most beautiful speech
I've ever heard.

Yes, Steph,
that was a wonderful way to put it.

I have never loved you more.

Berta not impressed.

Like my homeland,

Berta's heart cold and dead
and filled with minerals.

Well, I tried.

Guess I'd better go break the news
to the ladies.

Wait.

Berta, I'm sorry.

Your designs are perfect because...

they are a reflection
of your unique style,

and nothing would make us more honored

than to have you lend your talents
to our special day.

[in Russian] I'm sorry.

[in Russian] Very well!

Thank you.

Berta accept apology.

Dresses and tuxedos for everybody!

Yes!

Apology enough.

Berta hasn't hugged since the Berlin Wall.

Nice job, tiny man.

Yeah, you're not wearing that.

Sweet cheese, that was amazing!

I'd say our first college party
was a success.

Even before you crowd surfed
across the student union.

And everyone was having so much fun,

no one even noticed
that Billy Joel never showed up.

Mom, it's Billie...

You know what? You're right.

I had a blast with you.

So...

does this mean that you changed your mind
about going to school on the East Coast?

[sighs]

Mom, you always told me that life
was an adventure.

And watching the way you live it
convinced me of that.

Now it's time for me to start
my own adventure.

I need to spread my wings
and see the world a little bit.

But the fact that I feel secure enough
to move away...

means that you did a great job
as a parent.

Oh.

Why do you have to be
so dang smart and brave?

Honey, I am so proud of you,
no matter what you decide.

And if a school on the East Coast
is your top choice,

then I support you.

I just have to get used to the idea
that my little bird is leaving the nest.

Mom, wherever I end up going to school,

you know the dorm is always open.

Thank you, honey.

But don't leave it open, that's not safe.

So, what did you think about college?

Pizza, lasers, hijinks?

Beth the tour guide just texted me

and said the DUDs
doubled their pledge class.

Can you send her a text back for me
and use lots of cool emojis?

You know, I had the best time.

It really helped me
figure some things out.

I knew it would.

I've made a decision.

I'm definitely not going to college.

Oh, come on!

I flipped over lasers to make it look fun.

Mom, hear me out. I have a plan.
I thought about what you said.

Computers are my passion.

Hacking into that security system

made me realize
that I'm really good at this.

Yeah, you do seem like a natural.

I did some research

and I found a great computer coding school
right here in San Francisco.

It's not a four-year college,
but people from this program

have gone on to work at Google,
the FBI and even Netflix.

Wow.

Jackson, I'm impressed. I really am.

There's no question that you have
a real talent for computers,

but the most important part is

I've never seen you so passionate
about something.

I think this could be
a really smart choice.

I'm excited for you.

Thanks, Mom.

Really, that means a lot to me.

I'm proud of you.

-Oh, hey, guys.
-Hey.

How was the college tour?

Oh, fine.

Nothing special to report.

Yeah, we crashed a party
and snuck under some lasers

to steal an important emblem
of the college history.

[laughs]

Sure you did.

Yeah, and I sent the guys down to Berta's
and almost ruined the whole wedding.

[all laughing]

-I don't want to know.
-Mm-mmm.

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

[vocalizing]

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪

[vocalizing]