04x10 - The Black Forest

[bunniefuu]

You stupid, stupid sonofab*tch.

You've got three beautiful girls and they're never gonna be able to take a drink!

They're never gonna be able to have cocktail hour!

You want to know why?!

Suzanne, take it easy.

Because you are a f*cking alcoholic!

Suzanne! Wh?

Should we get some help?

( Music )

What, what's up?

I just do not want to go to f*ckin' Idaho.

Oh, don't drive yourself crazy over it.

I just don't want to go.

You told them you're coming, you're gonna go, so, just go.

You know, I'd be fine if it was just the dedication of Lisa's ashes...

But?

I don't want to be with the Kimmels.

And I really don't want to put Maya in that situation:

Death, death, death.

I feel like I'm done looking backward, I just wanna look forward, with you, with us.

You do?

Yeah, I do.

What are you doing, little monkey, huh?

You know, honey, half these boxes are full of Lisa's clothes.

Yeah, well, I saved them for Maya so, she can see them when grows up.

Well, when you think about it, this ceremony does the same thing.

You wanna go so that when Maya grows up you can say to her, "you were there."

I have colitis.

Oh, no.

Yup.

I do.

There it is, colitis.

f*ckin' Jesus, mom.

You're a seven-letter whore.

And it's on the triple-word, too.

It's all about the seven letters for her.

It always has been.

She skips three turns, then mashes the sh*t out of you.

Yeah, I'm your biggest problem.

You are.You.

You.you.

You.you.

You.you.

I quit.

The hell you do.

I'm going to miss this.

I don't want to go home.

Play the game.

Is...

"Umurawi" a word?

What?

It's all I've got, "umurawi".

( Crying )

Aww, Fisher.

( Knocking )

Coming, coming!

Sorry, were you sleeping?

No, but we were in bed.

The people are coming, the people are coming, the people the people the people.

What time is it?

It's Miller time.

Hey, whore.

Hey, whore.

Dude, c'mon, help me bring this over here.

Guess Jimmy's the refrigerator magnet of the week, again, huh?

I get dizzy trying to keep up.

Oh, I get it, 'cause you and Russell are like Mr. and Mrs. Happy suburban love couple?

Maybe we are.

Maybe we're gonna buy a ranch house in a cul-de-sac.

Did you bring weed?

Yah.

Hey, sweetie?

Did we bring my cds in?

I got 'em, baboo.

Eh, eh!

Get out of my sh*t.

You said you brought pot.

Well, I could get it for you, Stonehenge.

Get it then.

( Chattering )

I want a lot of flowers.

I mean it, a lot.

I don't want it to look like, you know, like...

Like I didn't care because...

I do, more than they'll ever know.

More than anyone.

Of course.

Rob liked Lisianthus.

Didn't he, honey?

Mm-hmm.

They're sort of halfway between tulips and roses, except they have no thorns and they're usually purple or white.

They sound beautiful.

Yeah, they are.

We'll take purple.

sh*t!

Okay, um...

Okay, so, you, um, what, will, you'll put him out there?

And then what?

You could say a few words, if you want.

( Whispering ) Oh god.

"Hi, I'm Suzanne Wething.

"Some of you may have seen me kicking Rob in the parking lot

"at Jen's wedding.

"Actually, he was already dead from alcohol poisoning.

So, you can just all stop looking at me like that."

I don't think so.

Oh, what? It's no secret.

Paige knows.

Your sisters know, dot they?

Uh-huh.

Daddy was a drunk.

Okay, what is it again, Waterbury what?

"Waterford w-collection

11 inch spire stem vase".

Terry doesn't f*ck around, does he?

No, when he registers, he registers.

Maybe we should get married.

So, we can have people on vase-buying errands for us?

No.

So, we can say all those

"forevers" and "no matter what's".

You're in my will, I'm in yours.

We basically are married, even if the law refuses to recognize it.

But then again, I refuse to recognize most of the bush administration, so, I guess it all evens out.

I still think some sort of ceremony in front of all our family and friends would make it more real.

I just don't think now's the time to go into big event-planning mode.

Why?

I don't know, all the sh*t you've been through lately?

I just don't think it's the perfect time.

Well, it never is.

Sometimes you just have to just pick a moment and do it, right?

Oh, you mean like, Nate moving in with Brenda and taking Maya with him?

If you ask me, that sounds crazy.

You think?

Well, fast.

Life's so short, I don't know what fast is anymore.

Here it is.

$225?

They're not getting this from us.

Yes, they are, just bite the b*llet.

Right here.

A garlic press for 30 bucks.

You really want to be the guys who gave them the garlic press?

They'll use a garlic press way more than they'll use a $225 vase.

No.

( Beeping )

( Sighing )

( Door opening and closing )

I'm home.

( Phone )

Hello?

Hi, I want to see my kids.

When?

Today.

What time?

Five, no, wait, sh*t.

Let me...

Let me drive them to karate tomorrow.

And then, I'll take 'em to lunch.

You can't, we carpool with the Koehlers to karate.

If I change one week, everything changes.

Vanessa, look, you can't keep me from seeing my kids.

I'm not trying to keep you from seeing your kids!

Why don't you just come over tomorrow afternoon and play with them.

At, at the house?

Yes, that would be better.

Okay.

I'll be there at two.

So, like, from two to four?

Make it three to five just to make sure we're back in time.

Ok, see you then.

And I was...

Hauling this box of meteorites out to the car and I...

And I thought, "Jesus, god, "look at yourself, "moving these g*dd*mn rocks again.

How many times are you gonna keep doing this?"

We're supposed to stay together because you don't want to move your rocks?

No...

We should stay together because we love each other.

I love you, anyway.

I do.

I love you, too, George.

But this is my thought, here:

If you are gonna be my husband and I am gonna be your wife, it will have to be, it can only be, if some conditions are met.

sh**t.

Mainly, that you behave like a husband.

And, to me, that means sharing yourself.

I don't want to have to feel bad every time I ask you a question.

Alright.

And I want a healthy, continuous flow of family around here.

Like making a space for Kyle and Becky.

Becky?

My friend, Becky from the fabric shop.

I set them up.

I'm not mad.Don'.

Not to mention your other children, Brian and Maggie.

I haven't even met them yet.

Alright, you'll meet them.

And I need to feel like you like me again.

Ruth!

You're my favorite person.

You don't make me feel like your favorite person.

Look...

I'll try.

I will, I mean it.

I'll try.

You poor thing.

( Sniffling )

Yes, we'll be at the black forest inn, yeah.

11:10 in the morning.

Yeah, Hoyt...

No, 1170's our flight number, how could we land at 1170?

Yeah, I was kidding too.

Alright, thanks, bye.

That guy is such a knob.

I'll take you guys to the airport.

You know what?

Orange.

I've got a better idea, why don't you come with us?

Nah, I don't think so.

You don't have to co to the ceremony.

Just come to Idaho.

I really think I'd be in the way.

Well, I really think it would actually make the whole thing livable for me.

Having it be the three of us.

You really want me to come?

Well, I asked you, didn't I?

C'mon.

Byron, I can't.

I have an appointment with Byron tomorrow.

I think Byron will be fine if he misses a session.

You' only been seeing him for like, a month.

No, exactly.

It's too soon to leave him hanging out all by himself in the middle of reality.

What about my reality?

♫ Yo, girl

♫ she loves him

Come dance with me.

This should be illegal.

What?

This should be illegal!

I know, what should be illegal?

People trying to get other people to dance!

It doesn't work.

You're right.

What the f*ck, Claire?!

What?

What are you doing?

I just...

You just look so f*cking beautiful tonight...

Oh, do I?

Wow, that must make it make it so hard for everybody.

High much?

Why are you being such a f*cking bitch?

The world is not your own private f*cking chemistry set, Claire!

Just stay away from me.

Leave me the f*ck alone.

Okay.

♫ Yo, girl

♫ she loves him

♫ hey

♫ fairies

♫ sweet magic for me

♫ sparkling yeah, uh-huh, thanks.

Uh, no, no, I already have the number...

Thanks.

Ugh.

Barb called, left a message, there's some barbecue at peg and Ed's in an hour.

I should've told them I was coming tomorrow morning.

They want you to go over now?

In an hour.

I'm just gonna call and say I can't make it.

( Phone ringing )

No, I'll get it...

I was gonna pass it to you.

Just...

I'll just let them leave a message.

Answer it, I'll be quiet!

I'll just check the message.

Whatever.

You should go to the barbecue.

Yeah, I don't know.

They just want to see Maya.

I'll be alright.

I got a bunch of work to do.

Hi, do you have a message for room 13?

It's for you.

Oh.

Hello?

Oh, uh, no, I know how to spell it.

Just the number.

Uh-huh.

Thank you.

Byron.

Now, Terry, repeat after me.

I, Terry, take you, Paul...

I, Terry, take you, Paul...

To be my lifetime partner, lover, and friend...

To be my lifetime partner, lover, and friend...

Cut it out.

I'm sorry.

Don't get me started.

In sickness and in health...

In sickness and in health...

In times of plenty and times of want...

In times of plenty and times of want...

Until death do us part.

Hey.

( Gasping )

Oh, my god, you scared the living crap out of me!

What are you doing here?

Anita and I crashed here, she left early this morning,

but I fell into a k-hole last night, and...

I'm climbing out right now.

Who had K last night?

I don't know.

How was it, fun?

I don't know.

I might have been r*ped and will only recover the memory under intense hypnosis 10 years from now.

That's cool.

Mom.

Tender.

I can't find it.

Excuse me?

This meat is so tender.

I think we got the marinade right, ed!

Mm-hmm.

It's great.

Was it hard for you and Maya to find the time to get away?

You didn't have anything else going on?

Nothing as important as this.

It's been hard lately.

You think you finally get to the bottom of the feelings, and then there are more.

Yeah.

Okay, Byron, just tell me what's going on.

I'm on a bridge.

Where?

Los Feliz.

I'm sitting on the ledge.

Byron, you need to get down off that ledge right now.

There's so many cars,

and each one of them has someone inside, driving.

And all those people, they all feel things every bit as deeply as you and I do.

Byron, I want you to do something for me, okay?

I'd like you to do something for me, too.

I'd like for you to honor your commitments.

But obviously that's not something you think you should do.

I'm sorry, I had a family matter come up.

I needed to attend to it.

Are you married?

That's not really relevant to the work we're doing together.

Was it something really important?

Or did you just blow me off?

I rescheduled with you...

You left a message telling me when you would be available!

If you had an emergency...

I am having an emergency!

Byron, please get off the bridge.

You're the one who wanted me to cross the damn bridge!

Yes, and now, I'd like you to get off the bridge, so, that we can continue our work together, okay?

Our work together is important.

I'm not on a bridge.

Where are you?

I'm in my living room.

Why can I hear traffic?

That's just my air conditioner.

See, I was just pretending.

Byron, that was very dishonest of you.

If you do anything like that ever again, I'll have to stop seeing you, do you understand?

Do you understand?

Yes.

Good, I'm gonna hang up now.

Okay, goodbye.

Say cheese, Maya.

Whoo, that was a good one, good job!

Kick it back, can you kick it back?

Uncle Nate?

Did you ever give David, stiff?

Uh... what?

The book I gave you to give to him when we took Maya to Legoland?

Oh, yeah, yeah, I didn't, I'm sorry.

I completely spaced.

But...

But you know, I can see right where it is, though, in my head.

So, when I get back, I'll give it to him.

You could read it too.

It's very informative.

Okay.

Maybe I'll do that.

Okay.

You look tired.

I am.

If you want to go back to the inn, Maya can play with the kids.

Hoyt said something about roasting marshmallows.

Careful, you guys.

Aw, dad, we're just havin' fun, aren't we?

We're just havin' fun.

Whoo, whoo!

Why don't you go back, and get some alone time, and we'll bring Maya back in a couple of hours?

We're, like, five minutes from main street.

She'll be fine, it's family.

Alright.

Just give me a call when you pull up outside.

Sure.

Give me a big smile.

Yeah!

Okay, okay.

Man, you won again?!

You should go on the pro tour, buddy.

Ooh, yeah, ha ha!

Wow.

Look at you.

Yeah.

Uh, Julio finished all of his homework.

That's good.

( Doorbell )

Who's coming over?

You remember Kenny Sims?

From high school?

Hi.

Come on in.

How are you?

I'm great, you look great.

Thank you.

Hey, Rico.

Hey.

I'm not early, am I?

No.

Well...

I guess I'll go.

Okay.

Alright, guys.

I'll see you soon.

Bye, daddy.

Bye.

I'm sorry if I came at a bad time.

No, no, no, you didn't do anything, no.

It's all good.

Okay.

Your little boy is so cute.

Thanks.

Is he...

Adopted?

Yeah, about a year and a half ago from Guatemala.

My partner and I have had, like, you know, the most preliminary of adoption conversations.

Which agency did you use?

Whole family center.

They're good people, and they've got really strong connections in Guatemala, with the bureaucracy, which is great.

But they're kinda religious.

If you know what I mean.

Uh...

I think so.

They don't work with gay couples.

So... oh.

You might want to try rainbow kids, or some place like that.

Thanks for the tip.

Sure.

Hey!

You came back!

Where's Maya?

She's playing with her cousins for a couple hours.

Miss me?

No, I was too busy having a totally surreal phone session with my client.

Yeah, what happened?

I can't tell you, you know that.

Oh, c'mon.

How much do I unload on you about all the freaky people I have to deal with at work?

This is different.

Not really.

Yeah, really.

Uh-uh.

This is the whole, you know, client privilege doctor thing.

It's very professional.

How do I know this client exists anyway, huh?

How do I know this isn't some hot guy you've got on the side?

I was.

I'm not really worried...

I know, I know.

I wouldn't have moved in if I was worried.

Mmm...

You know, this is...

Like the first time we've been together.

What do you mean?

The other times, we never really had a relationship.

One of us was always escaping, or lying...

Or stoned...

Or something.

But now, we're really here.

You know, I drove back here to tell you I love you.

That I miss you...

And...

To make sure I didn't escape?

Oh, yeah, yeah...

♫ it's gonna be a beautiful day ♫ this one's cool.

Oh, yuck.

If you like nostrils.

Claire.

No, I can't have this kind of documentation of my nose just lying around.

Maybe if I just rip out my nose.

There.

That's better.

Mmm.

Nostrilly goodness.

Stop.

You're an idiot.

Stop, stop it.

Oh, I'm so much happier when I'm high.

♫ Some day I'll get it right ♫

♫ I swear I'll get it right ♫

♫ today is gonna be a beautiful day ♫ I got your eyes.

That's so scary.

I wish you could see this.

Well, get my camera.

It's right over there.

How's the light in here?

Good, we're good.

Okay.

Pucker up.

Yeah.

The problem is not nuclear w*r.

The problem is what's gonna cause nuclear w*r.

I don't see us living through a nuclear w*r, George.

Of course not.

Not a whole lot of people will.

No, I mean, in our lifetime.

I don't see it happening.

Ha!

I married the glass-is-half-full girl.

Which time?

Oh, this time.

Of course, yes, what was I thinking?

This decaf is so cinnamony.

Isn't it?

I think when the next a-b*mb is launched, it'll be over god.

Whose?

Exactly.

The fundamentalists, Islamic, Christian, and otherwise, are all going to conspire to end the world the way all their holy books said it would.

With a big w*r.

Yes, but all those theologies have a message of hope and brotherly love in them, too.

To counterbalance the irresistible force of self-fulfilling prophecy.

Whereas corporatism...

We know, we know, dad.

You think it'll all be about oil, just like everything else.

Oil.

Close.

Water.

Oh.

The apocalypse will be over water.

Who has it, who wants it, and what they're willing to do to get it.

But global warming, isn't it, I thought that's supposed to melt the glaciers or something.

Well, if you like your water salty, I guess that's the good news.

But what about rising sea levels or the disruption of the Thermal Haline Conveyor.

That's the Gulf stream.

Oh.

Have you checked out the Pentagon report on the guardian web site?

No.

You have a computer here, right?

Yeah, sure, downstairs in the office.

We're done, right?

I think so.

You have to see this.

So, show me, show me.

This stuff was actually published by the Pentagon and it basically says, you know, in anywhere between two and 20 years from now, kablooie.

Kyle loves on-line.

George, too.

It's just so absurd!

The idea that there are kids waiting for homes, and people still have the nerve to say who's good enough and who isn't, based on are you gay or not?

People are stupid.

What a shock.

There's nothing in here, but f*ckin' eggs.

Yeah, I'm sorry, I thought we needed them and we didn't.

Twice.

What's this?

Oh god, just throw that away.

Trust me, don't even wash it out.

Okay.

I think we might have some rice-a-roni in here or something.

Oh, my god.

What is it?

It's a Chinese baby!

What's it doing in the cupboard?

Someone must have left her here for us!

Who?

I don't know, someone Chinese.

What?

Couscous.

It's all we've got.

What are you doing down here?

It's past midnight.

It's f*cking unbelievable.

When you have all this information laid out in front of you like this, it's a wonder anyone can get up in the morning.

Well, no one's getting up in the morning at this rate.

Come to bed.

In a minute.

Take a look at this site.

Oh.

Well, the graphic is a little simplistic.

It was obviously designed for the layman.

But you can literally watch the world's potable water supply dripping away, moment by moment.

But that's...

That's just some people's opinion.

It's not an opinion.

It's a scientific hypothesis.

But let's just say they're half-right, which, chances are, they are, but even if they're only half-right, we're not doing any of the things we should be doing in order to prevent it, much less reverse the trend.

But it's all so pessimistic.

If it happens we'll die.

But in the meantime, can't we be happy?

Happy?

Yes, happiness!

Don't you remember happiness?

Ruth.

I'm crawling my way to comfortable.

I can't even think about being happy unless I'm doing something to help save this planet, or at least prepare myself and my loved ones for whatever it is that's coming next.

We're talking about the end of life as we know it here.

But you're obsessing about these...

I don't think I'm obsessing.

Well, you're down here instead of sleeping, dreaming good dreams.

Come to bed.

Alright.

I'll come to bed.

( Giggling )

Lisa is here with us right now.

Not in this urn.

But in all of us.

Each of us here today, especially little Maya, shares a part in carrying Lisa's eternal life into the future.

May this dedication of Lisa's humble ashes today be for all of us a reawakening to the sparkling and still-vivid ways her spirit continues to live, grow, and flourish in the lives of those she loved.

Let us pray.

Our parent...

( All ) Who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name...

Stop it.

I want the crying to stop...

Now.

I want it to stop.

This is hard for mommy too.

We're not leaving here until this stops.

Okay.

Hallie, do you wanna go to the cheesecake factory or don't you?

Because we are not leaving here until this stops.

Do you understand me? We're not.

Excuse me...

What do you want?

She's lost her father.

Oh, shut up!

You shut up.

This is none of your business.

See, she's fine.

Aren't you, Hallie?

You sure you two don't have time to get coffee or anything?

No, we gotta get packed up and stuff, but thanks, really.

Yeah, you sure?

Ah, yeah.

She won't sleep on the plane.

So, I'm gonna make sure she takes a little nap before we hit the road.

Alright then.

Bye, Maya, we love you.

Good to see you.

Good to see you.

Say goodbye to your cousin?

Bye.

Keep in touch, okay?

We will, bye.

Call us when you get there.

You should ring the bell.

Are the boys at school?

Yes, but it's scary when someone just starts coming in.

You should ring the bell.

Someone.

Shouldn't you be at work?

Isn't anybody dead?

I told them I had an appointment.

Okay.

I have a problem with you bringing Kenny Sims over here and parading him in front of my boy oh, really?

Yes.

It'll confuse them.

It'll confuse them that an old friend from high school comes to visit me?

He's my friend!

Bullshit!

You're looking, Vanessa, okay?

You're out there on the market, you're dating, and it's gonna freak out the boys!

I mean, look at you!

Look at me what?

You straightened out your hair, you don't even look like you...

I blew my hair dry, okay?

I'm a grown woman, separated from my husband...

When did we officially decide we were separated?

The day you left, Rico!

You don't live here anymore!

So, you can give me the g*dd*mn keys or make me go to the expense of changing the g*dd*mn locks!

But you don't live here anymore and you can't tell me sh*t!

And next time you come over, why don't you g*dd*mn tell me first!

Should I get this to go for the car?

I'll get a straw.

Straw's good, right?

Yeah, straws help.

I'll get you a straw.

Hey, guys!

I didn't expect to see you.

Hey, it's aunt Barb.

What a surprise!

I thought she was gonna take a nap!

Well...

Chocolate muffin, you know.

We're just hanging out having a muffin.

Kids...

Uh...

Barb, this is my friend, Brenda.

Hi.

And, Brenda, this is Barb.

Lisa's sister.

Of course, I see it.

Brenda Chenowith?

Yeah.

I know your name, Lisa mentioned it to me.

So, you two are...

We were...

Before Lisa.

Yeah, way back when Lisa came to L.A.

And told me she was...

Yeah, yeah.

She told me all about it.

Brenda!

Well, it's so nice to meet you.

I had no idea that you were here.

Well, we, uh...

We came up here together.

We all traveled together, but we decided that the ceremony wouldn't be...

Of course not, no.

But how nice that you have someone to join you and be with you for everything.

Look, Maya, I got you a cup for the car with a straw.

Well, I will let you guys get back to your meal.

I know you have a big trip coming up.

Yeah, yeah, we do, two planes.

Yeah, two planes.

Mm-hmm.

Travel safely.

Bye, honey pie, baby pie.

Bye.

It was nice to have met you.

And you.

Thanks.

Bye now.

Bye.

Small town.

Yeah.

( Coughing )

The chemicals get to you after a while, huh?

Yeah.

You know, when I went to school here, there were lines up and down the hall, people waiting to get in and develop their sh*t.

People sleeping in here even.

Now, every time...

Every time I come in here, it's empty.

Yeah, f*cking digital.

So, is it weird for you to have me in your class?

Is it weird for you to be in my class?

Weird in a good way.

You know, sometimes when you're strutting around up there, pointing at sh*t, I just kinda stop hearing what you're talking about and like, stare at your legs.

'Cause they're really long.

My legs are long, huh?

Yeah, you're all tall.

Do you like Ceviche?

Mm, I love it.

You wanna go to Siete Mares after this?

They have the most perfect, perfect Ceviche.

I'm kind of getting addicted to spicy stuff.

Like if it doesn't hurt a little bit, it's not really worth eating.

I'm familiar with that dynamic.

So, let's get some.

Okay.

I'm almost done here.

Hm, that's interesting.

Isn't it?

Just the name, you know, rainbow kids, it's so f*cking condescending.

David, let it go.

Another spicy tuna hand roll.

And put jalapeño in this time, sliced.

I'm gonna run to the wash room.

I'll get the check.

Yeah, I'm done.

And more ginger, too.

Please.

Excuse me, did you say something?

Hm?

What did you just say?

Nothing.

Bullshit, you said something.

What did you say?

I said, "please."

To me?

Uhh, no, for you.

Somebody had to.

Who the f*ck do you think you are?

Seriously.

I think I'm a member of the human race, which makes me want to treat my fellow humans with a certain amount of respect, that's who I think I am.

Seriously.

Ow!

Get the f*ck offa me!

You f*ckin' bit me!

You tore my earring out, you c**t!

Jesus, what the f*ck is the matter with you?

sh*t!

g*dd*mn it!

I really do hate to bother you folks.

It's no bother at all, Stan.

Well, it's just been something I couldn't get off of my mind after the service today.

What is it?

Well, when I was transferring the ashes into the urn, I couldn't help but notice there were a lot of...

Bone fragments.

It's the kind of thing you only see in much, much older cremains.

You hardly ever see that now, technology's improved so much.

Now, I could be wrong, but...

The ashes that we interred...

Just say it.

I don't think they're Lisa's.

( Female flight attendant ) Ladies and gentlemen, at this time we will begin our descent into Los Angeles.

Please return your seats and tray tables to their upright and locked position.

We'll also be coming through the cabin one more time in case you have anything remaining to discard.

Here we go.

( Music )

♫ could've sworn this was the way when we started down ♫

♫ I thought we'd left a light on, dear ♫

♫ but I can't see it now ♫

♫ I can't even find the chance when it's right here in my way ♫

♫ I remember tomorrow like it was yesterday ♫

♫ la, la, la, la