04x12 - Like People

[bunniefuu]

Jimmy?

Jimmy?

(SOBBING)

♪ ♪

Hello, you.

Where are you going?

I thought you were gone.

- I was.
- I thought you left.

I did. To get us...

Oh.

No, no, no, no, no. I just...

I just went to get provisions.

But I could see how
you'd think, you know,

given history...

But no, silly, I'm here.

So, I was thinking maybe later

we could go for a ride

and revisit some of our
favorite activities.

Get Chinese food, hit the movies.

Secret pinball arcade.

Maybe some micheladas

and "you dropped something" in the park.

Were you crying?

- I want to go.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What? I-I didn't leave this time.

Gretchen, I didn't leave.

Just got pain au chocolat.

Exactly. You can't even get breakfast

without me thinking that
you've bailed again.

I have spent my entire life

pretending that all
this is a force field

that stops things from penetrating.

But no one chooses me, Jimmy!

Not in the end.

In the end, no one ever fights for me.

So, because I went to get croissants

filled with g*dd*mn chocolate for you

and was gonna lay in bed with you,

eating chocolate for breakfast

because I wanted you to wake up

to something special and delicious,

and still you lay this sh*t at my feet?

Make sure you want to go here.

I have apologized!

I've waited.

I've sat idly by while you did whatever

because you were wronged by me. True.

But this g*dd*mn vacillation, Gretchen.

Enough is enough.

I didn't do anything this time.

Yep. You're right.

You win.

See, Jimmy? You don't really need me.

Why don't you go do all
that fun stuff without me.

Deep down, I think you like
being alone more, anyway.

Yep, you're right. Maybe I do.

♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪

♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪

♪ Gonna leave you anyway. ♪

- DUTCH: Oh, yeah, yeah.
- MAX: Oh, I get it.

- Really?
- I mean, if those speakers cost Gs,

they better look so hot, I
want to stick my d*ck in 'em.

- Yeah.
- (CHUCKLES)

But, like, respectfully.

So, you can put your d*ck in them.

See, I knew those guys at Guitar Center

had no right to kick me out.

- Maximus.
- E-dawg.

We're doing nicknames now?

If so, I call Dutch Oven.

Wait. No. Can I change mine?

Sorry I missed your calls last night.

Got stuck on Skype

with a buddy who's
going through a thing.

Was it Brent? (GASPS)

Did something happen with Snoober?

Did they run out of snow?

Nah, it's... Different guy.

Um...

Did you talk to Doug?

Yeah, such a bummer that he split us up.

Bosses, right?

This is just like that
movie Horrible Bosses,

very disappointing.

(LAUGHS)

Hey, so, tonight, you want to check out

Pharrell's sneaker pop-up?

It's in this Mexican church that
used to be a crepe restaurant.

Doug has me on a crazy deadline.
I'm probs here all night.

- (SIGHS)
- All right, Edgar.

Cool beans. Stay frosty.

- Yeah.
- Look at this one.

- Let's do it.
- thou?

Click your d*ck in it.

LINDSAY: Oh, no.

You have dead face.

Ooh, do not sit on this couch!

Or you'll never get up.

Baby booze.

You bone a pilot again?

I slept with Jimmy last night.

What?! So, what does this mean?

Are you with Boone, or
are you with Jimmy?

Gretchen, you have to stop this.

Sleeping with more than
one person is wrong.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Oh, so, what are you gonna do?

Oh, who knows what's gonna happen?

We'll just have to see what
the universe sends my way.

"The universe"? Who are
you, Stephen Hawking?

(CLAPS)

Anyway, you can't just let
things happen to you.

(PHONE BUZZES AND CHIMES)

Ha! Olivia just texted
me it's taco night.

I guess the universe
just brought me tacos.

Boone's daughter texts you?

Yeah, all the time.

Look, she dressed her Bitmoji up

to look like me. Little dummy.

This is why

you actually need to make up your mind.

Don't you see? You're her La Bamba.

That hunky dillhole

broke my dumb little
heart making me think

he was gonna be my forever papa.

He promised to teach me how
to swim and then, boom.

He just disappeared,

and I had to learn by watching the dog.

Is that why you shake every
time you get out of the pool?

Gretchen, you have to
break up with Boone

before you mess up Olivia.

This is not like all the
other guys you've boned.

We're talking about a
little girl's life here.

Stop worrying about a kid
you met for seconds

and think about me, your best friend,

and how maybe I deserve this

after a lifetime of being
everyone's "hit it and quit it."

I don't know what's
gonna happen with Boone

or his daughter or his cat

or his g*dd*mn goldfish,

but, for once, Gretchen
is putting herself first.

So, I'm telling you, back the hell off.

"For once"?

Oh, excuse me.

You dropped something.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, you dropped something.

- (PANTING): I did?
- Yeah.

It's, uh... it's, uh, it's
right back there.

- What was it?
- What?

What did I drop? What did it look like?

It was... bluish.

- Did I actually drop something?
- Yes.

No. It's just a funny joke that...

It's funny to stop people

who are actually exercising,

trying to elongate their lives

so they can stick around
for their families

and the people who need them?

And you sit here drinking
in the middle of the day

and you lie to them!

That's funny to you?!

Yes.

You dropped something.

- Oh. Okay.
- (CHUCKLES) Pick it up.

But I don't want it anymore.

Pick it up!

- Now run.
- Huh? What?

(JIMMY WHIMPERS)

Okay, so, "pedo" means "fart."

And "pedo mojado" means
"fart with sauce."

Now, "Tu madre es una puta"

means, uh...

Well, it means that your
mother works at night.

¿Tu madre es una puta?

You got it.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

LINDSAY: Hello?

Hello. It's me, Lindsay.

(LAUGHING): Taco night!

I'm so excited. I brought "Patron"

and some limes for margaritas.

Lindsay, I didn't
know you were coming.

What? I'm morgue-ified. Gretchen, you
forgot you invited me, you spaz.

No sweat. I'll just set another plate.

(WHISPERING): What the
hell are you doing?

Making sure you don't ruin this kid.

It's bad enough she's so not cute.

She doesn't need some selfish adult

giving her abandonment issues
on top of everything else.

I'm gonna set you on fire.

Try it, short-round.

Want Auntie Lindsay to show
you how to do your hair

to minimize...

- help your face?
- Okay.

Tacos are ready. Let's chow.

sh*t, yeah! Hard shells.

- WOMAN: Bye, Max.
- See ya.

Later.

Mmm.

- ♪ Ladies and gentlemen ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪

♪ One thousand ♪

♪ Biz busy on the boards ♪

♪ Mm-hmm ♪

♪ Nah, they tired of
waitin, ' they say ♪

♪ Crae, you sold your soul,
man, your soul, man ♪

♪ For real? Who bought it? ♪

♪ Let the Spirit take control, man ♪

♪ Control, man, control, man ♪

♪ I don't go nowhere without Him ♪

♪ They scared that I'm-a cause
these babies to stumble ♪

♪ They scared that my
integrity is gon' crumble ♪

♪ Appreciate the prayers,
but all that pressure ♪

♪ Either gon' make you humble ♪

♪ Or make you hang out
on the sidelines ♪

♪ And fear you gon' fumble,
put me in, coach ♪

♪ Ain't out here flexin' for
nobody, I was born to do it ♪

♪ God don't make mistakes
and say I'm sorry ♪

♪ He ain't never dropped the ball ♪

♪ I don't never plan to fumble ♪

♪ Catch me runnin' with them lions ♪

♪ Reggie Bushin' in the jungle... ♪

(INDISTINCT CHATTER AND LAUGHING)

♪ ♪

DUTCH: Mmm.

Mmm. Mm-hmm.

Bro.

- What are you doing here?
- Don't "bro" me.

Why are you feeding ravioli to Dutch?

Oh, actually, just one is a raviolo.

I know that! Why would you
think I don't know that?

I thought you were working all night.

I am. Dutch and I are researching

a cooking class sketch for Doug.

Nothing funny has happened yet,

but that couple over
there is clearly here

as a Hail Mary before their divorce.

Look, Doug wanted me to
keep this on the DL,

but he asked me to mentor Dutch.

He's a terrible receptionist,

but Doug's too nice to fire anyone,

so he wants to transition
him into being a writer.

So...

you and Dutch aren't just
hanging out for fun?

Come on, like I'd hang
out with this doof?

Ha. Yeah.

Wait, what?

Okay, well, um... Hey, you
want to kick it tomorrow?

Bringing Dutch up to speed is
gonna be an all-consuming task.

I won't be able to hang for a while.

But I know Doug.

Pretty soon he'll get distracted.

He'll start his training
for the U.S. Archery Team

or writing his column for Mother Jones,

and we'll be back together.

Okay, yeah.

- Sorry for being weird.
- It's okay.

DUTCH: Okay, new theory:

That's actually his mistress.

See how he's got a ring
on but she doesn't?

Oh, sh*t.

Little Dutch Boy strikes again.

Yes. Great nickname.

Yeah.

- (INDISTINCT SHOUTING IN MOVIE)
- Ah. Come on.

That is ridiculous.

Why would the robot play football?

Tackling a human would violate
the first law of robotics.

- Shh.
- Oh, d...

- J...
- (WOMAN SIGHS)

Sorry.

(SHOUTING IN MOVIE)

So, when I first moved to L.A.,

this dude told me that
the Griffith Observatory

was Alex Trebek's house.

- Mm.
- I believed him for years.

I can't tell you how many people I told,

- "That's Alex Trebek's house."
- GRETCHEN: Trebek sucks.

Pat and Vanna forever.

You love Wheel, don't you, Liv?

Always select the "T" first.

The most commonly used letters
spell out "eat irons."

Solve the puzzle as soon as you know it,

and spinning for extra thousands
isn't worth the risk.

- Good girl.
- All right, girlie.

Bedtime for Bonzo.

Ten more minutes.

Fine.

All right, I have to oversee
this bedtime situation,

or she'll sit on the toilet and
read till her butt falls off.

- (WHISPERING): Nerd.
- Lindsay, I'm so glad you came over.

- You can really house some tacos.
- Thanks.

I taught myself how to
breathe through my nose

- so I could chew longer.
- (LINDSAY AND BOONE LAUGH)

Good night, Gretchen.

BOONE: All right, come on.

See?

Everything's fine. Everyone's healthy.

We're just hanging out
(WHISPERING): like people.

You were right. I'm sorry.

It's just, you're here
so often, I got jealous.

But, honestly, seeing the
two of you together...

is really cute.

Well, I'm out. Priscilla's
really laying on

the night work lately.

Hey... I love you.

I love you, too.

Thank you for trusting me.

(SIGHS)

BOY: Hey, Jimmy.

And my hallucinations
are Irish. Perfect.

No, Spirit.

I'm not the r*cist
Shive-Overly you're after.

You'll find old Ronnie's ashes

spread over Tony Shalhoub's succulents.

Neighbor boy.

We all figured you for dead.

Turns out my missing dad's been here

at O'Callaghan's this whole time.

So now I'm working nights
to pay off his bar tab.

Life's tough, but it'll
be over eventually.

How've you been, Jimmy?

Life is a festering wound, my boy.

You enjoy your youth.

It's all downhill from here.

Oh, no. It gets worse?

Thanks, Jimmy.

I got my car booze.

You're lucky I keep it handy now.

I came back to town to face the music.

But it didn't want to face me.

Let's go play pinball.

Bah.

- Hello, Edgar.
- Not today, Satan.

♪ ♪

- What?!
- Shh...!

I'm a grouch.

Why are you in my trash?

I have to tell you something.

You have to break up with Gretchen.

- What? Why?
- For Olivia.

I saw how she was looking at
Gretchen tonight. She loves her.

And Gretchen is such a toxic need-ball.

She's just gonna keep
getting closer and closer,

and one day she's gonna realize

you're actually kind of basic,

and she'll disappear, and you'll
start dating John Stamos...

- John Stamos?
- And it's going

to break Olivia's little fool heart.

Her heart is going to break.

I'm sorry, but your girlfriend's
not a solid person.

I know that.

She barely showers.

And she steals Olivia's
desserts from her lunch box.

But I like her.

And she likes me. And I know

what I'm getting into,
because I'm an adult.

And you're a girl in a trash can.

And you don't know anything
about our relationship.

Well, there's one thing you don't know:

Gretchen's not over Jimmy.

He could pick up the phone,

and she'd be at his
house in two seconds.

Get out of my trash and go home.

♪ ♪

- Do you have taco meat in your mouth?
- No.

Move in with me.

(SWALLOWS)

(TREMBLING): Um... okay.

(GRETCHEN GASPS)

(BOTH LAUGH SOFTLY)

♪ ♪

JIMMY: Los Angeles is dead.

It's a quartz mausoleum of vape shops,

YouTube Red billboards

and poke restaurants.

And, as I discovered
so viscerally today,

everything that used to
be fun is no longer so.

You think maybe it's Gretchen? Like...

after her, you now can't
enjoy it without her?

They're offering me a multi-book deal,

writing the Peach Quadrilogy.

Luckily, I can write anywhere.

I told you, Edgar, the
city is ruined for me.

It's time to go.

Whoa.

Are you gonna tell Gretchen?

Nope. She's done with me,

and she doesn't care anymore.

I don't want you to go, but
I won't try to stop you.

Thank you.

In the Paktika Province, I
was supposed to go AWOL

with my battle buddy Bowe, but...

he ditched me while I
was in the crapper.

Everyone goes away eventually.

And now I'm losing Max.

That dainty little worm-boy
with the tiny mustache?

Doug split us up.

I should just find a new partner.

Unless you think I should
talk to Doug about it.

Listen, Edgar,

the only person you can
truly rely on is yourself.

My best advice would be

to accept your new
reality and... move on.

Also, my thanking you for
not trying to stop me

is in no way an admission
that you could stop me,

as you have no influence
over my actions whatsoever.

Obviously.

Bro, I think you left
the pizza in your car.

No, I'm-I'm not the pizza guy.

Doug, it's me, Edgar.

I work for you.

Marketing?

Nano Communications?

(WHISPERS): Black Ops?

Oh, right, the show.

- Guido Baby guy.
- Listen, I came to,

uh, tell you that...

(EXHALES) you're ruining my life.

- Oh, no.
- I've never had a friend like Max.

He's the only person who's
ever treated me like an equal.

He sees something in me I
didn't know was there.

And just when we were really getting

to that next level of intimacy,

you split us up! I mean...

are you really so
threatened by our talent?

(TREMBLING EXHALE)

Edgar...

I am so ashamed.

You get to a certain
point in your career

where you think you're safe,

and then one day, inevitably,

you look up and see Mozart
in the rearview mirror...

and you realize:

Holy sh*t, I'm Salieri!

Your scary talent has me so spooked

that I've been punishing you
when I should be elevating you.

Well, I-I didn't mean it like that.

Not another word.

I'm giving you a promotion.

Now, I don't want you to freak out,

but hell, kid, you deserve it.

Edgar...

you're the on-set writer now.

What?! Oh, my G...

Wow. Thank you.

Uh, but what about Max?

Max isn't ready.

You are.

Great. Okay.

I will not let you down.

When do I start?

Right now. That Inappropriate
Gravedigger sketch

you wrote for Paul F. Tompkins?

- Mm-hmm.
- I'm sh**ting it overnight in Downey.

- Mm.
- So take the to the ,

look for the yellow signs.

So brave of you to show up at my house

at : on a weeknight to
yell at me about your job.

You're gonna go far in this town

with that kind of political savvy.

DOUG: Tova! Pizza's here!

(SNORING SOFTLY)

(SNORING CONTINUES)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ In spite of being ♪

♪ So late ♪

♪ To the game ♪

♪ I won't ♪

♪ Fight fate ♪

♪ It's now ♪

♪ Too late ♪

♪ The binds ♪

♪ That break and shatter off ♪

♪ When you fall down ♪

♪ From the top ♪

♪ And your heart stops... ♪

♪ Used to be ♪

♪ The one ♪

♪ That knew me ♪

♪ Saw through me ♪

♪ Used to be ♪

♪ The one ♪

♪ That ♪

♪ Knew me ♪

♪ You used... ♪