02x05 - An Embarrassment of Dooplers

[bunniefuu]

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♪

♪

FREEMAN:
Captain's log, stardate . .

The Cerritos is escorting
a Doopler emissary

to Starbase for trade negotiations.

Dooplers are a species
which involuntarily duplicate

as an emotional defense mechanism.

We've been walking on eggshells
the entire trip.

Emissary, the last few days with you

have been very... careful.

Your hospitality is appreciated,
Captain, as are your efforts

to prevent me from dooplercating.

[GASPS]

Oh!

[ALL LAUGH]

Uh, excuse me.

I must ready
for arrival to the station.

[ALL SIGH]

This has been the most stressful
week of my life.

How did we get on Doopler duty?

Well, it's all worth it.

We'll get to Starbase

just in time
for the Command Conference.

Is that the one
with the epic after-party?

Oh, yeah. Three years ago,

Admiral Slattery got so drunk,
he commandeered a light cruiser.

He didn't sober up till he was
halfway to the Delta Quadrant.

I'll be the only
California-class captain there

because of my heroics

in the battle against the Pakleds.

Soon Doopler duty
will be a thing of the past.

[GRUNTS]

Uh, sometimes this job feels like

it's just stacking crates
in storage bays.

- What are we doing next?
- Crate stacking.

- Storage Bay Seven.
- I can't believe

we're going to be docked right outside

the wildest party in Starfleet,

but instead of getting torn,
we'll be stacking.

I could be hanging out
with so many captains

who are looking
for their next number one.

- [GRUNTS]
- I bet right now

- you wish you were still on the Titan.
- It was amazing.

I swear the replicated water
just tasted better.

And don't even get me started

on how soft the bridge chairs were.

- Ooh! And the holodecks...
- Okay.

I wasn't looking for the sales pitch.

I meant if you were still
on a capital ship like that,

you'd be guaranteed an invite
to this party.

Yeah, my stupid transporter
clone William is probably going.

You haven't even met him,
but trust me, he's so annoying.

Real stickler for the rules,
kind of a butt kisser.

Wait, wait, shut up, shut up.

The Titan's on the other side of
the system deterring the Pakleds.

So?

So there's no way
they can make it here in time.

William's invite is just sitting there.

You can pose as your clone,
and I can be your plus-one.

[GASPS] You're right.
Just to be safe, I'll call

clone Boimler and make sure
he's cool with it. Aah!

Are you crazy?

You're right. I now
realize that was crazy.

♪

After a hard day
of working on the ship,

nothing relaxes me like building
a smaller version of the ship.

Now we just have to get the
tiny deflector shields on line.

Boy, before I lost my memory,

I did some great work on this thing.

- Look at those phase inverters.
- I like mini Mariner

bossing around tiny Boimler
in the itty-bitty bar.

Huh, there's something etched
onto the side of the manifold.

Looks like old me left some directions

on how to get the shields working.

"Field distortion amplifier ."

And then there's three squiggly lines.

What does that mean?

I don't know. [CHUCKLES]
But if I did it once,

I can do it again.

- MALE: Aah!
- Oh, sorry!

♪

Ah, Captain Freeman. I guess this means

you've had a good trip
with your Doopler guest.

- It was exhausting.
- [DOOR WHOOSHES OPEN]

Between us, I can't get him
off the ship fast enough.

- Um...
- The man is so emotionally fragile.

Fragile?

[PANTING] Was I too much trouble?

No, no, no, no, no, you were great.

I love having you here.

I was a bad guest. I'm so, so...

[BABBLES]

- Oh, no.
- I dooplercated!

This is so embarrassing.

No, it's-it's fine.

Nothing is more mortifying
than dooplercating.

BOTH: We both did it.

[GROANS]

- Oh, he just dooplercated.
- Don't look at me!

Stop! It's fine. You are all great.

[EXCLAIMING]

Freeman, I can't risk this station

being overrun with Dooplers.

The Cerritos won't be allowed to dock

until you sort this out.

We aren't allowed on the station?!

- [GROANING]
- [GRUNTS]

Oh, yeah. [GRUNTS] Looking sassy. Yeah.

Should we be in skants for this?

Nobody wears those anymore.
Don't overthink it.

Right, but maybe we could take
our skants in a bag

just in case we get there
and everyone's in a skant?

Attention, all decks.

The Dooplers
are exponentially duplicating,

which is a totally cool thing to do.

If you see a Doopler,
just smile and look away.

You're telling the whole ship
about us?!

[EXCLAIMING]

Does that mean we're not going?

It means we're definitely going.

Chaos on the bridge
means no one's gonna notice

one little transporter override.
Come on.

Ooh!

♪

Whoa, I've never been
on a station this old.

It's like a whole city.

Yeah, it's great, but it kind of smells

like pee sometimes.

Come on, we got to find the party.

The location's always secret.

This place is massive.
How are we gonna find anything?

Follow me. I used to live here.

Of course you did.

Ooh, they've got a Quark's now.

That used to just be an empty lot

where teens would make mistakes.

Remember Becky Mariner?

She's back.

♪

What are you doing?
We don't have time to shop.

- MARINER: Hmm.
- [BOIMLER SCREAMS]

You dare set foot on this station

after what you did to me, Becky?

- "Becky"?
- Oh, get over it, Malvus.

I should disintegrate you for
stranding me on Ceti Alpha IV,

which I'll have you know
is much worse than Ceti Alpha V.

I don't strand people.

She stranded me on Rubicon III.

- You stranded yourself.
- [SCOFFS] What about on Axilus?

O-Okay, yeah, I stranded you there.

Your boyfriend has it right.

- Ugh.
- Not my boyfriend.

Ah, it's nice to meet someone
who understands

how hard it is working with her.

And the same to you.

All right, I'm sorry
I left you on Ceti Alpha.

I really thought there was life there.

Listen,
we could really use your help...

I know what you want:
that stupid Starfleet party.

- You have to know where it is.
- Of course I do.

And I'd be happy to share it
if you help me move

some merchandise to storage.

- Aw, crates.
- Wait, hold on. What's in them?

MALVUS: Limited edition
Commander Data bubble bath.

- You sure this isn't a Lore?
- Meh, a couple might be Lores.

RUTHERFORD: Hmm.

- Oh! Watch out! [GRUNTS] Hot, hot, hot, hot.
- [GROWLS]

The engines work, but no lights.

What am I doing wrong?

Oh, hey, another message
from last-year me.

"Shield emitters equal sign

- squiggly line"?
- All right, clear out.

This area is being used for
emergency Doopler holding.

[BABBLING] There's so many of me.

Hey, careful.

Oh, no, I bumped your toy!

We need to find somewhere
to finish the model.

You're leaving because of me.

Yeah. I mean, it's pretty clear.

[DOOPLERS EXCLAIMING]

There's no need to feel embarrassed.

Thank you. You're very kind.

Wait! That's what someone says

when there is a reason
to be embarrassed!

[EXCLAIMING]

- [GRUNTS]
- FREEMAN: Okay,

I'm just not gonna say anything.

We can just be silent.

She's giving us the silent treatment!

- [EXCLAIMING]
- That's even worse!

[GROANS]

This should fix the harmonic... Ow!

Who rerouted power
through the harmonic dampeners?

- I guess you did?
- Ow.

Stupid me.

- Maybe we just put it away.
- No, I have to finish this.

[DOOPLERS EXCLAIMING]

Excuse us. Sorry. Ow!

- Excuse me!
- Oh, no! We're in the way!

- [EXCLAIMING]
- Run!

[DOOPLERS SHOUTING]

Aw, sugar.

Hey, we could bring one of these
into the party

and be like,
"Anybody order bottle service?"

You know what? You didn't have
to tell Malvus I abandoned you.

- It was an accident.
- We were just having fun.

I wasn't. That was a private
thing between you and me.

You're always telling people
embarrassing stories about me.

That's different.
My stories are hilarious.

- And you're the one that abandoned me.
- What?

- [SIREN WAILING]
- Ooh, crap, crap, crap.

Oh, it's security.
They're pulling us over.

- Aah! We're not supposed to be here!
- Shut up.

- Just stay calm.
- Yeah. Yeah. Uh...

[WHIMPERS] Yeah. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

MARINER:
We just got stopped by security.

They're always amped up on party day.

Yeah, for a moment I was worried

this was a stolen kart or something.

It's not, but the illegal weapons

under the bubble bath are.

[GASPS] Klingon disruptors.

Malvus!

Enjoy the penal colony.

[LAUGHS]

Let's just explain that we were tricked

into carrying illegal cargo
by your criminal friend.

No, station security has a rep
for being crooked.

They aren't gonna let us off
with a warning

and a glass of Thai iced tea.

They'll coerce a confession,

then sell our combadges
on the black market.

Lucky for us, they're terrible drivers.

Why is that lucky? [SCREAMS]

[SIREN WAILING]

[TIRES SQUEAL]

[BOIMLER GRUNTS]

- [GAME CHIMING]
- Dabo!

- BOIMLER: Casino!
- [SHOUTING]

- Barbershop!
- [SCREAMS]

Fine men's clothing!

[TIRES SQUEALING]

- [SIREN WAILING]
- [HORN HONKING]

- [MARINER WHOOPS]
- [BYSTANDERS SCREAMING]

[BOIMLER SCREAMS]

- [HORN HONKS]
- MARINER: Get out... What?

BOIMLER: Hey!

[GROANS]

[SCOOTER BEEPING]

- [SIREN WAILING]
- [SCREAMS]

Backwards time.

- [TIRES SCREECH]
- [MARINER AND BOIMLER GRUNT]

[BOIMLER GASPS]

[GRUNTING]

[MARINER WHOOPS]

[BOTH SCREAMING]

[SCREAMS]

MARINER: Whoa!

BOIMLER: Fish people!

- Sorry!
- Hey, we're not people!

[SCREAMS, GASPS]

[WHIMPERS] Don't go down the stairs!

Dude, I would never go
down the stairs. [LAUGHS]

[SCREAMING]

- [BYSTANDERS SCREAMING]
- [TIRES SQUEALING]

[SCREAMING]

Vulcans! Vulcans! Vulcans!

[SIREN WAILS]

Fascinating.

- I can't take it anymore.
- Hey! Hey!

I got a model here. Stay back!

This is humiliating.

[DOOPLERS EXCLAIMING]

We got to get to higher ground.
[GRUNTING]

Oh! [GRUNTS]

- Forget the model! Are you crazy?!
- RUTHERFORD: Got it!

- [RUTHERFORD PANTING]
- [TENDI GRUNTS]

We can escape
through the maintenance hatch.

It was sealed off months ago.
Don't you remember?

No, Tendi, I don't remember.
And that's the problem.

My whole deal is repairing starships.

If I can't fix this little toy,

then I don't even know
who I am anymore.

- You're still Samanthan Rutherford.
- Am I?

The old me was better.
I can't figure out his notes,

and I'm, like, a year behind
being friends with you.

It's like I'm competing
with my own ghost.

[TENDI AND RUTHERFORD SCREAM]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[BIRDS SQUAWKING]

- [SIREN WAILING]
- MARINER: Cool, the aviary.

- I went on a date here once.
- Avians!

- Oh, God! Oh, God! No, no, no, no!
- [MARINER WHOOPS]

[BOIMLER GROANING]

- [MARINER GRUNTING]
- [BOIMLER SCREAMS]

[BOTH SCREAM]

Oh, yeah. "Let's move
to the aviary," he says.

"It'll be so quiet," he says.

Ha! We lost 'em. Never doubt me.

[MARINER AND BOIMLER SCREAM]

[SIGHS] This is how I die.

- [BOIMLER SCREAMS]
- [MARINER GRUNTS]

[TIRES SCREECH]

[SQUAWKING]

[GROANS] Still alive.

[BOTH PANTING]

[RETCHES] I barfed up bubble bath.

Yeah, I was there.
Thank you for the update.

[GRUNTS] We can forget about
the party, because guess what.

We're probably
getting arrested instead.

No way. I didn't put on
underwear for nothing.

Mariner.

Thank the gods whom I worship
that you're alive. [CHUCKLES]

Shut up. If you don't tell me
where that party is,

I'm telling security I know
who those disruptors belong to.

But you would get arrested, too.

Yeah, and then we'd both be
in the same cell.

- Just you and me.
- All right, all right.

I'll send you the location.
But you still owe me.

I owe a foot up your ass.

Ballroom Alpha? Aw, that's
where all the big parties are.

- How is that even a secret?
- [BOIMLER SIGHS]

[GROANS]

I knew we should have brought
the skants.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

This is stupid. We're soaking wet.

Shh, shh, shh, there's the bouncer.

Name?

Brad... William.

Boimler. USS Titan.

Go on in.

- It worked! [LAUGHS]
- Yeah, he just...

he loves being on lists.

Very excited. Whoa!

- Not you.
- This is Beckett Mariner.

- She's my plus-one.
- What ship you on?

- Uh, the Voyager-D.
- Mm.

Beckett Mariner,
ensign on the Cerritos.

Nope, sorry. Luna-class and above only.

[GROANS] They're not letting me in.

Whatever. There's, like,
a million other things to do

- on a station this big.
- But this is the best thing,

- right?
- Fine.

Just go in without me.

I'm not gonna abandon you out here.

Oh, please. You love abandoning.

No, I don't. You're the abandoner.

You didn't think twice about taking

that promotion to the Titan.

You just couldn't wait to leave me,

just like everybody else.

You're still mad about the Titan?

Why didn't you bring it up before?

Of course I'm still mad!
I've been waiting

for you to apologize for weeks,
you dumb jerk.

How was I supposed to know that?

Maybe try being honest sometime.
[SCOFFS]

Whatever. I earned that promotion,

but I guess you have
to make it all about you.

- Some friend.
- [MARINER GROANS]

Hey. It's tough being vulnerable.

Believe me, I know.

Yeah... shut up.

- [MUSIC GROWS LOUDER]
- Whoa.

Whoa!

Captain Shelby and her number one.

[GASPS]

Captain Exley and his number one.

[CHUCKLES]: Hey, you made it.

I haven't seen you since Centauri IV.

- [INDISTINCT CHATTER]
- [GROANS]

[DOOPLERS EXCLAIMING]

This is so awkward!

You're telling me!

[GRUNTS] I'm sorry
I can't finish the model.

I just have to get used to knowing

that the old me was a better engineer.

What? Rutherford,
you have it all wrong.

- Old you never finished it, either.
- What do you mean?

We always stopped at the warp core,

- and then we'd start over again.
- Why?

Because as long as we
were working on this,

people left us alone.

It was like our social deflector dish.

We got to hang out
without anyone bugging us.

So all these notes from old me...?

Are probably just to slow down
and buy time.

I wasn't smarter than me!

- [SCREAMS]
- I'm glad you're feeling better.

Too bad we're gonna get crushed.

Not if we detonate the warp core.

[GRUNTS]

Come on.

[RUTHERFORD GRUNTS]

- [GRUNTS]
- COMPUTER [HIGH-PITCHED]: Ejecting warp core

in five, four, three, two...

Hot, hot, hot, hot. [GRUNTS]

[RUTHERFORD AND TENDI GRUNTING]

Uh... Whoa!

[EXHALES]

Is this because of us?

They don't like us!

[GROANS]

Uh, can I get five more of these?

- You, uh, think that's a good idea?
- Hmm.

Interesting. I'm actually going
for "bad idea."

- [DOOR WHOOSHES OPEN]
- Put those on my tab.

Plus a prune juice spritz.

Don't tell me the party was boring.

It was amazing. Nonstop sliders.

You love sliders. So why'd you leave?

- It just wasn't fun.
- Hmm.

- Not enough famous admirals?
- There were,

but you weren't there
to make fun of them with me.

[SIGHS] I'm sorry I left
for the Titan the way I did.

I guess I was worried
you would talk me out of it.

I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.

I didn't even know you had feelings.

Of course I do.

I just don't show them to everyone.

I don't know why
I make an exception for you.

Maybe because you're my number one.

[LAUGHS]

Wow. No, if anything,
you're my number one.

- I'm your mentor.
- [SCOFFS] Nice try.

- We've already done that.
- It goes by force of personality.

Me. Then you.

No, don't make me
bump you down to number two.

Thanks for coming to hang.
I'm sorry I ruined the party.

I can replicate sliders whenever
I want back on the Cerritos.

Who needs to be at the coolest,

most prestigious party of the year?

[BOTH SIGH]

- [DOOPLERS EXCLAIMING]
- [FREEMAN SCREAMS]

I'm sorry, Captain!
The crowd has me now.

- DOOPLER: Oh, no!
- [GRUNTS, SCREAMS]

Enough. Enough!

Stop being such whiny little [BLEEP]!

Wh-What did you say?

You idiots need to shut up
and stop being sniveling babies!

- [DOOPLER GRUNTS]
- [GASPS]

Did you see that? I berated them,

and they recombined.

Getting embarrassed
makes them lose control,

but getting pissed
helps them get it back.

Hey! You're a jerk!

Excuse me? [GRUNTS]

Attention, everyone.

Stop being careful around the Dooplers.

Yell at them.
Call them spineless punks.

I know we're Starfleet,

but really give them
a piece of your mind.

Your pagh is weak, and it disgusts me!

I don't even know what that is,
but I don't like your tone.

[DOOPLERS GRUNTING]

[SHAXS GRUNTS]

This is Engineering.

You're in my house now!

You wouldn't know a reecon converter

from a tulox shifter!

- How dare you?
- I am a guest!

[GRUNTS]

[BLEEP] [BLEEP] [BLEEP]
you [BLEEP] face!

[GRUNTS] You, madam,

have crossed the line.

...endangered my ship, ruined my plans!

Oh, I hope a temporal anomaly

wipes out any record of your existence!

[GRUNTS] I've never been treated
like this in my entire life.

And now I am going to my quarters!

- [DOOR WHOOSHES OPEN, SHUT]
- [RANSOM AND SHAXS SIGH]

Ransom, T'Ana, Shaxs, you're with me.

We can still get to our party.

♪

All right, who's drinking?

Hey, cheer up.

They've been running that
stupid party for generations.

[LAUGHS] You're not the first two

- to end up in here after striking out.
- Oh, yeah?

- What is that? No way.
- What?

[GASPS] Captain Kirk drank here?

He and his pointy-eared pal
tried to party-crash

back in, uh, what was it?

-something.

[CHUCKLES] Ended up right here.

Lady, you do not look that old.

I am very jealous. Respect.

[LAUGHS] Appreciate that, baby.

Kirk and Spock drank here?
Kirk and Spock?

The blond one did most of the drinking.

This is amazing.

This bar's, like, history.

[SNORES]

We're here for the captain's party.

We didn't miss it, did we?

Nope, they go all night long.

- Yeah! - Boom!
- Hold on.

- Oh, they're with me.
- And you are?

Captain Carol Freeman.

Of the Cerritos.

- You're not on the list.
- [FREEMAN SCOFFS]

I fought alongside the Titan
at the Battle of Kallah.

Kudos. You aren't getting in.

[GROWLS]

[DIALOGUE INAUDIBLE]

John! Captain Anderson!

Could you tell him
I'm the Pakled captain?

[CHUCKLES]: Okona. How are you?

Anderson! Okona is in there?

He's the DJ.

What? He's not even Starfleet.

- This is outrageous.
- Maybe we should go.

Our ship might not be the biggest,

and we might do
the missions nobody else wants,

but we are still Starfleet.

My crew deals with just as much [BLEEP]

as Picard's or any other.

We might be California-class,

but we are the best at what we do.

I'm Captain Carol Freeman,
this is my crew,

and you are letting us into that party!

- I liked your speech, Captain.
- [GROANS]

Thank you, Jack.

Hey, check it out.

Should we hide?

I deserve more respect.
I once escorted the Enterprise

- out of Spacedock, damn it.
- Oh, I hear you.

One time, I let Admiral Verma
put a [BLEEP] up my [BLEEP].

Hey, guys. You bail on that big party?

Uh, yeah. That's right.

It was fine. Just, you know,
too loud in there.

Oh, cool. Uh, well,
if you're not partied out,

we're drinking at Kirk's old bar.

You want to check it out?

Excuse me, Captain Freeman?

Thank you for de-duplicating me.

I really need to work on my confidence.

Yeah, you do.

My meeting doesn't start
for another hour.

I'm wondering if you know
any place I could relax.

You know, someplace calm.

You know what? I do.

Captain to Transporter Room Two.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

Excuse me? This is a private party.

Oh! Oh, I'm so sorry. [BABBLES]

- [PARTYGOERS SCREAMING]
- [DOOPLERS EXCLAIMING]

RUTHERFORD: I can't believe

I almost got crushed
competing with myself.

Well, since you're a new Rutherford,

I figured it was time for a new model.

[GASPS] Ooh, it comes
with an Ezri and a Jadzia.

- Thanks, Tendi.
- Let's never finish this one.

[MARINER AND BOIMLER LAUGH]

You know what?
This worked out pretty well.

Everyone I actually like
to socialize with is here.

Yeah, turns out this is
the best party in the quadrant.

Right, Number One?

Right. Hey.

[CHUCKLES]: No, too late.
You're my number one now.

It doesn't work like that.

Yes, it does. I watched it happen.

No, Captain, don't do that.
I want a redo.

- No, you're my sidekick from now on.
- I am not.

Boimler's my number one!
Now he has to grow a beard.

[MAN IMITATES WEAPONS f*ring]

Chirp.