02x08 - Man City

[bunniefuu]

[PHONE RINGING]

[RINGING]

- [RINGING]
- [CLICK]

- [WOMAN] Hello.
- Hi, Bridget. Sorry, I'm late.

[BRIDGET] You know the only thing better

than a patient being late

is one who doesn't turn up at all.

[CHUCKLES] So where did we leave off?

[BRIDGET] Uh, let's see. I have it
in my notes... Oh, yeah!

"Ted Lasso is driving me f*cking crazy".

[SHARON] All right. He
refuses to open up.

And when he gets anywhere
close to being vulnerable,

he fires off a zinger

or some obscure reference
to something very specific

to a -year-old white man
from middle America.

[BRIDGET] So he's refusing
to be vulnerable, right?

Sounds like someone I know.

Oh, stop it. Me and Coach
Lasso are nothing alike.

[BRIDGET] Sharon, you do the same thing.

He uses humor to deflect,
you use your intelligence.

[SHARON] Please.

I do not harness my savantish nature

to alienate people and isolate myself.

Okay, I hear that.

[BRIDGET] I doubt you'll make
any headway with Coach Lasso

until you let your guard down
yourself and meet him halfway.

[SHARON] You're right.

[BRIDGET] Of course, I'm right!
Now, what are you going to do?

["WITNESS" PLAYING]

[BICYCLE BELL RINGS]

- Mind your dog!
- What?

- He hates that sweater.
- Up yours!

[SONG CONTINUES]

- sh*t!
- [CRASH]

- [PHONE RINGS]
- [PEOPLE CLAMORING]

[MAN] Call . Someone call .

[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]

- [KNOCKING]
- Hi, guys.

So, I actually have a fun, new
branding opportunity for a coach.

It's only one public appearance.
It's decent money.

Would be really good for the club.

Would either one of you
want to help me out

by being a spokesperson for this...

Right. f*ck you both.

I respect that we didn't
have to say a word.

She gets us.

I'm going to be a spokesperson.

[CHUCKLES] Where's Ted?

- Uh, he texted. He has some emergency.
- Oh. What?

- I didn't ask.
- Why not?

It's his emergency.

If he wanted him to know,
he would have said.

We have an FA Cup semifinal
at Wembley Stadium on Sunday.

- Who's running training?
- Me.

- You?
- Ted asked. I don't give a sh*t.

[PHONE VIBRATES]

- sh*t, I got to go.
- Where you going?

None of your f*cking business.

[SIGHS]

Well... Guess that just
leaves us two. I mean...

- You can run training.
- Thank you.

That will be great... I think...
Yes, thank you. Hold on.

[PHONE RINGS]

All right, man. Let's go.

Switch it on, boy.
Yeah, let's go, let's go.

Good man. All you, mate.

That's it, you got it,
you got it, you got it.

Hello, Daddy.

[SAM'S FATHER] Sam...
Do you know why I'm calling?

Um, no, sir.

I'm calling because Cerithium Oil

has just been ordered
to stop operating in Nigeria.

Wait, what? Wait, that's incredible!

And you were the butterfly
whose wings made this happen.

I'm so proud of you, my son.

Thank you, Dad.

I mean, look, I only did it
because you inspired me to.

[CHUCKLES] I appreciate you saying that,

because it's absolutely true.

- [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES] I love you.

- I love you too. Okay, bye-bye.
- [COLIN STRAINING]

Oi! What you doing?

- [JAMIE] Oh, sh*t.
- [GASPING]

- Why didn't you say anything?
- It was on my neck.

[JAMIE] Yeah. Sorry.

[ISAAC] You know what,
sod off. I got this.

I haven't found a term I like yet

for when I tell people
I'm taking a sh*t.

What do you use?

[SIGHS]

I need to reapply my lip liner.

Men don't know what that means

and women understand
it requires time and focus.

[PHONE BEEPS]

[GASPS]

[GASPS] Say f*cking yes!

[GROANS]

Guys, guys! Three dots!
Three dots, three dots.

[PHONE BEEPS]

- Yes!
- [CHEERING]

- [CHUCKLES]
- Whoo! Whoo, yeah!

- Wow. Oh, my God.
- [JAN] Yes!

Captain.

Yeah, bruv?

I would like to ask you for a haircut.

- What?
- Ooh...

Are you sure, bruv?

Yes, I think I am.

Hmm...

- All right. After training.
- [COLIN GAGGING]

- [STRAINING] Isaac, Isaac.
- Oh, sh*t!

[GASPING]

Oh, now hold on, lady.

You're telling me I could shatter
every bone in my body,

someone could just drop me off
in front of any old hospital,

dumped into a garbage can or something,

and y'all patch me up and I
don't have to pay jack squat?

- You're damn right.
- [WHISTLES]

I tell you, I love this country.
I love this town.

Oh, did you know that Winnie the Pooh

was based on a real bear
from the London Zoo?

[SIGHS] f*ck me.

Oh, no...

It's worse than I imagined.

She can walk again!
Whoo! It's a miracle!

Oh, thank God for science!

Hey, Doc! The doc going to be okay, Doc?

Yes, her scan seemed fine.

Good. No intracranial hemorrhaging?

- No.
- Or, uh, subdural hematoma?

No. You seem to know
a lot about brain injuries.

Well, I watched a lot of
Grey's Anatomy in my early s.

And actually, you know,
I coached football.

The American kind. You know?

The one with all the concussions

and hullabaloo about kneeling and such.

Oh, well, she does have a concussion.

And she's had a couple
stitches in her head.

So you'll need to rest
for a few days, okay?

Apart from that, your husband
can take you home.

Oh, he's not my husband.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ain't
no ring on these fingers.

- No, we're just friends.
- Colleagues.

- Uh, friendly colleagues.
- I don't have a husband.

Yeah, but not in a sad way.

You know, she's just
fiercely independent.

And I'm perfectly capable
of taking myself home.

- See what I mean?
- Uh, I'm sorry, Dr. Fieldstone.

Hospital policy states
that head trauma patients,

they cannot leave unattended.

Ooh. And there ain't no policy
like a hospital policy,

'cause a hospital policy don't stop.

Let me help you out
with that, sweetheart.

- Here you go. There you go.
- Thank you.

- Thank you for being here, Coach Kent.
- [GRUNTS]

My sister's at the hospital.
She works in the emergency room.

She can't really pop out 'cause
there's always someone coming in

with, like, a Kn*fe stuck in their eye
or a torch stuck up their...

Yeah, okay, I get it. She's busy.

Phoebe, would you mind doing some
coloring while I talk to your uncle?

Yes, Ms. Bowen.

Can I start with a quick
personal question?

- Phoebe's dad...
- Oh, he's a piece of sh*t.

- Is he alive?
- Sorry, yeah. He's a living piece of sh*t.

Right.

Well, Coach Kent,

we've got a bit of an issue
with Phoebe's behavior.

- Let's have it.
- She's been swearing. A lot.

How bad is it?

Today she called one of her
classmates an "apathetic shitfucker".

- Are they?
- Oh, yes.

But that's not the point.

Do you have any idea where
she might be getting this from?

Mmm.

Me?

f*ck.

This was her fifth offense.
She got warnings, then isolation.

Now I'm afraid she has to go
home for the rest of the day.

You know the influence you have on her.

Use it.

Oi!

We're leaving.

[SIGHS]

Sorry for what I said, Ms. Bowen.

Thank you, Phoebe.

[GASPS] Uncle Roy, can we get ice cream?

f*ck no!

- Sorry.
- [CLEARS THROAT]

F-no!

[STAMMERING]

Go on, scoot your boot.

f*cking glitter.

By all measures, it's not the
cruelest prank ever played,

but no one should ever make
someone eat a Vaseline sandwich.

But that's Ronnie Fouch for you.

Innovator. [CHUCKLES]

How did you know I was in the hospital?

Oh, you left me a bunch of voice
notes. Yeah, to be exact.

I thought those deleted themselves.

Yeah, well, I kept all those puppies.

You should listen to some
of these. They are a hoot.

- Please, no, thank you.
- It doesn't matter. I got them right here.

Ted, it's Sharon. I can't come
to the phone right now.

But if you want to talk my ear
off about some bullshit

because you're too afraid
to properly emote, leave a message.

- Beep!
- [CHUCKLES]

- I didn't mean it.
- Come on now. You meant it a little bit.

In concussio veritas, right?
Ain't that the saying? [CHUCKLES]

Oh, this next one, uh, brings
Mr. Stephen Sondheim in the house

'cause it's you singing "Tonight"
from West Side Story,

but doing both the parts, uh, of
Tony and Maria at the same time,

which is, well, in a word,
thrilling. Here it is.

[SHARON] ♪ Tonight, tonight ♪

Whoo-hoo-hoo! Feel that.

And you do the whole
first act. It's incredible.

["LA VIRGEN DE LA MACARENA" PLAYING]

[SONG CONTINUES]

- What is the big deal?
- [SONG STOPS]

[PLAYERS GROAN]

[STAMMERS] Not now.

My guy, Isaac's an artist
with those clippers.

But he only gives you
one haircut per season,

so you try and save that
for a very special occasion.

I'm not using mine until I marry.

Or I get circumcised.

[PLAYERS] Ah. Quite right.

Bro, I can't believe you're wasting
your Isaac cut on a blind date.

Yeah. What if you and this babes
only got textual chemistry?

Guys...

I believe...

[CHUCKLES] ... this could be
something very special.

[PLAYER] Aw.

[CLIPPER BUZZING]

So do we all just stand here...

- [PLAYERS GROAN]
- [WILL] Oh, my God!

Shut the f*ck up, Jan Maas.

[SIGHS] Sorry.

[EXHALES DEEPLY]

["DOWN BY THE RIVERSIDE" PLAYING]

[PLAYERS GROAN, CHUCKLE]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

It's like Swan Lake.

[PLAYERS LAUGH, CHEER]

[SONG CONTINUES]

Shh!

[SONG CONTINUES]

[CHEERING]

[SCREAMING]

[LAUGHING]

[PLAYERS] Oh! Yeah!

- [SONG ENDS]
- [TYPING]

[PLAYERS CHEERING UPSTAIRS]

[HIGGINS] Come in!

[TYPING]

Hi.

What's this about?

Oh! I'm just in here
until my office exists.

It's really no problem.

If I spill anything, I'm next to
everything I need to clean up.

This is very, very sad.

Eh. What can I do for you, Jamie?

Um... Can I get me dad and his two mates

on the list for Wembley tickets, please?

Of course! Um, family section? VIP?

Put 'em in the car park for all I care.

Just getting him tickets
so he'll get off me back.

Fathers and sons.

So tricky.

They should really write songs about it.

- Think they do.
- Yeah, I know. I was just...

Anyway...

[HUMS]

You, um... Are you close with your dad?

Um, ups and downs, like everyone.

Hmm, it's complicated.

Mine's not complicated.
He's just a d*ck.

Every situation, he does
exactly what a d*ck would do.

Not much you can do with that.
Know what I mean?

Well, I try to love my dad for who he is

and forgive him for who he isn't.

Look, Jamie. Whatever he may be,

he's your father, which makes him a VIP.

[SCOFFS]

Names?

Uh, James Tartt.

Ah!

Uh, his mates are Denbo Cullens and Bug.

- "Bug"?
- Just Bug. Uh, one G.

Like the animal.

It's his legal name. Changed it.

Because he's small like a bug?

No, 'cause he eats bugs for money.

Right.

- [PLAYERS CHEERING]
- Um... Thanks for that.

Yeah.

Okay.

Uh, open or closed?

Uh, closed.

You get less questions.

- All right.
- Bye.

Thank you for the ice cream, Uncle Roy.

Oi!

[SNIFFS]

You can't swear, Phoebe.

But you swear all the time.

Yeah.

And it didn't hold me back
'cause I'm a footballer.

No one cares if we swear.
It's part of the job. It's encouraged.

But you can't be a doctor,
or a teacher, or a...

Veterinarian for wild animals.

Or a veterinarian for wild animals.
I still don't get how that works.

You treat them in the woods
and no one pays you?

It doesn't matter.

The point is you can't do that
if you swear all the time.

Look. You and I spend
a lot of time together,

and I love every second.

I weren't trained
in how to be around a kid.

And sometimes...

I get concerned...

that I've been infecting you
with the worst parts of me.

That's not true.

Uncle Roy, you teach me great things.

I called that boy a name
because he's a bully.

And because of you,
I stand up to bullies.

And referees.

And I can do that without swearing.

Yeah.

'Cause you are better than me.

I'm as good as the best you.

Maybe we can stop swearing together.

f*ck you.

I can't.

But you can.

[CHUCKLES]

Pretty please.

Okay, Uncle Roy.

Good. Now get out of here.

Can you come in for one game
of Princess and Dragon?

Can I be the dragon this time?

No.

Fine. But you better
have fixed the wand.

All right. Tight squeeze, huh?

Probably a little bit easier
when this thing can fold up, I bet.

Thank you for walking me home.
I'm good from here.

Well, that's the fifth time
you've said that.

I'll just set this puppy down
and I'll skedaddle.

Yeah, there you go.

Good spot for it. There you go.

Oh.

Corporate housing, huh?

It does not disappoint, does it?

It don't really do anything. I guess
that's part of the idea, ain't it?

What we got back here? Hey.

All right. Home entertainment center.

Well, you know what, I'll just
say that it's fine and move on.

It's temporary.

Yeah, well, you know, what isn't, right?

- Would you like some tea?
- Oh, hell no.

No, I-I mean no, thank you. Sorry,
just don't care for that garbage.

I have water and I have wine.

Chicken and the egg, huh? Uh, yeah.

I'll take some water.
That'd be great. Thanks.

Tap okay?

Oh, yeah. No, I like my water
like Kyrie Irving likes his Earth. Flat.

- [WATER RUNNING]
- Mmm.

So, you gonna get a new bike, or
you wanna lay off riding for a bit?

I don't know. I haven't
thought about it.

Well, I hope you get back on that horse.

And by horse, I mean bicycle.

Although how cool would it be
if you started riding a horse to work?

Everybody starts calling you
"Dr. Sharon Horsewoman" or...

- You know, becomes your hook.
- [CHUCKLES]

I really should get some rest. [SIGHS]

Hey, - , good buddy.
[STAMMERS] Good colleague.

[GULPING]

[SIGHS] Delicious as always.

Yeah, all right, no,
I'll let you go here, and...

You just give me a holler
if you need anything.

You know, you had quite the scare today.

And my job is teaching people how
to overcome what happened to me.

I'm fine, thank you.

Goodbye, Coach Lasso.

Yeah, all right now, Doc. Take care.

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

[PHONE RINGING]

[REBECCA] Jesus! Hello.

[GROANS] Why are you
picking up right now?

You were supposed to be
in there five minutes ago.

Right. I can't go in.

Oh, come on. You've
got this. Get in there.

Either it's gonna be
the most amazing night

or it's gonna be so sh*t

that you can punish me for it
for the rest of our friendship.

Hmm. I do like the sound of that.

I'm gonna hang up
'cause you're gonna go, yeah?

- You look so beautiful I can't bear it.
- [CHUCKLES]

[KISSING]

- [KISSES]
- [PHONE CHIMES]

[SIGHS]

Uh, Ms. Welton. Uh, Rebecca. [CHUCKLES]

Ah, Sam!

- Hi. [CHUCKLES] Hello.
- Well, that's a coincidence. [CHUCKLES]

Uh... What's... What's wrong?

What? Oh, God. Yeah,
I'm fi... I'm just...

I'm, uh, just a little bit, um, nervous
'cause I'm, uh, meeting someone.

Oh, okay, well, I... [STAMMERS]

Don't be nervous, 'cause
you look stunning as always.

Thank you, Sam.

Oh, God, don't let me
get in the way of...

- You have a lovely evening.
- Yes. Thank you. You too.

Great haircut.

- Oh. Well, thank you. [CHUCKLING]
- [REBECCA] Yes.

- [CHUCKLING] That's just weird.
- [CHUCKLING]

- [REBECCA INHALING DEEPLY]
- [INHALES DEEPLY, CLEARS THROAT]

[PHONE CHIMES]

Keeley says hi.

Oh, uh... tell her
I say hello. [CHUCKLES]

Mmm. [CHUCKLES, SIGHS]

[CHUCKLES]

[PHONE CHIMES]

[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

- Oh.
- Oh, sh*t!

- What?
- sh*t.

- What?
- sh*t.

- What? What? What?
- sh*t. God, this can't be happening!

- But it is. It's...
- I knew I shouldn't have come in here.

- But you did. You d...
- [STAMMERS] No. Sam.

Uh... We can't... I'm your boss.

No. No. You are way too young.
I mean, you're what, like, ?

- I'm... I'm .
- [GASPS] Oh, my God. I'm a pedophile.

I feel... I've groomed you. All these
messages. I was grooming you!

You didn't groom me, okay?
We didn't know who we were.

[STAMMERS] Okay, but... but now
we do, and this is not happening.

No, this can't happen.
And this never happened, okay?

Ooh.

Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

We... We can... We can still have...

- Sorry. Sorry.
- Hello. Hi. Sorry. [CLEARS THROAT]

[SIGHS DEEPLY]

Listen, we can still have dinner.

Okay? It doesn't have to be a date.

We... It can just be a funny coincidence

that we both happened to turn up
to the same fabulous restaurant,

both of us alone...

[SCOFFS]

... and hungry.

That can happen.

Right?

["LOVING IS EASY" PLAYING]

I mean, I am quite hungry.

[SONG CONTINUES]

[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[SONG FADES]

[FEMALE TV HOST]
... to Lust Conquers All Stars.

Our winning couples
from previous seasons

will put their love to the test.

Will it be last season's
winners Ellie and Danthony,

or season one's winners...

Hello, Coach Lasso.

Hey, Doc. So tonight I'm just gonna

keep checking in on
you every minutes.

It's standard concussion protocol,

but I'm gonna change my voice
every time I call you

so it stays exciting for you.

[AS KERMIT THE FROG] Have you
been feeling dizzy or nauseous?

[CHUCKLES]

That's what it sounds
like when you laugh.

[CLEARS THROAT] I'm fine, Coach Lasso.

[IN DEEP VOICE] Then I'll talk to you
in twenty minutes. Sling Blade. Mm-hmm.

Hey, Ted...

[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Yes.

I was scared today. Really scared.

I love riding my bike.
It's my happy place.

And after today, I was worried

I'll be too scared to
enjoy riding ever again.

[TED, NORMAL] I would say
that fear's a lot like underwear.

No, I don't want to discuss it.
I don't need a pep talk.

Ted, I just wanted to tell you
how I was feeling.

Well, I appreciate it. Means a lot.

And I'm glad I did it.

Good luck this weekend.

Okay, A-C-M,

I don't know who you are,
but I am coming after your A-S-S.

Let's go.

- All right. [CHUCKLES]
- [LAUGHS]

[REBECCA] Oh, God.
It's a bottomless pit.

[SAM] Oh, I-I commend you.

Usually women use those small
handheld purses on dates.

- What do they call it?
- A clutch.

- Clutch.
- [CHUCKLES]

No, I'd rather dig for dinosaur bones

rather than have one of those bags
you can't fit your phone in.

- There you go.
- And this was not a date.

I know.

So, um...

can we not do this again sometime?

I'm going in alone.

Okay.

- [SHOUTS]
- [CHUCKLES]

No, no. Nev... never again, Sam.

- [SIGHS]
- I mean it.

I have to mean it.

Yeah, yeah, of course. You're right.

- Besides, we have a big game on Sunday.
- Right.

We both need our rest.

Yep.

Good.

- Good night.
- Thank you.

Oh, bloody hell.

Bloody hell.

[SIGHS]

[TED] Gentlemen. Focus up.

All right, fellas, I want
you to close your eyes.

Look around.

[STAMMERS] You know. I mean,
open them up and take it all in.

But remember, this right behind me,

just a regular old football pitch.

You take away the stadium
and all the stands,

I think you'll find it's the same size

as our pitch back home on Nelson Road.

- Not exactly.
- What's that?

It's square yards bigger.

- Really? The pitches aren't the same size?
- No.

- This is the biggest pitch in the country.
- Huge advantage for City.

Boy, oh, boy. This sport has
the loosiest-goosiest rules of all.

Tough to get my head around
sometimes. Okay.

All right. It's bigger. [CHUCKLES]

And, uh, look, I know y'all grew up
watching games on this field,

so you're probably a little nervous.

sh**t, I know I got goose bumps.

I remember being a little kid,
sitting in front of the television

and watching Queen perform
right over there during Live Aid.

- No, you didn't.
- That was old Wembley.

That field was even bigger.

It doesn't matter.

Point is, guys, we're here now, okay?

At this Wembley.

The one that Freddie Mercury
never stepped foot in.

And this is our day to make history.

And I believe we're gonna do just that.

Go ahead, take one more glance,
then let's head back in.

We got work to do.

[PLAYERS CHATTERING]

[PLAYERS CHATTERING]

[ECHOING] Richmond!

[FANS CHEERING]

[FANS SINGING "BLUE MOON"]

[DENBO] City! City!

- City!
- City!

Yes! Come on!

Look at this. Not bad, is it?

Ah, well, well, well. Hey, these
are bang tidy seats these, man.

That's what you get when your
son's playing in the semifinals.

It's not for the right f*cking team,
but what can you do, eh?

Here you are. Get on that, kiddo.

We win this match,
we get Richmond tattoos.

Already got one.

- Where?
- Mind your f*cking business.

[NATHAN] I'm just not
sure how this can...

What about if they have
the game of their lives?

Oh, yeah. I was hoping for that.

[EXHALES HEAVILY]

[INHALES DEEPLY]

You good, Coach?

Oh, yeah.

I'm just doing some breathing exercises

that Doc taught me, that's all.

Hope it's not stomach problems again.

Tell me you didn't eat
the prawn cocktail.

- No, never.
- [DOOR OPENS]

Uh, guys, it's time.

Here we go. Come on.

Hey, fellas, hold on a sec.

I need to tell you all something.

When I left the match against Tottenham,

it... it wasn't 'cause, uh, you know,
my stomach was bothering me.

It was 'cause I had a panic att*ck.

I've been having them
from time to time as of late,

and I'm working on it.

But I just want you all
to know the truth.

[CHUCKLES] We good?

- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah. Of course.

Okay. Okay, all right.
All right, let's go get 'em.

- Richmond on three.
- Wait!

[EXHALES, GULPS] I need
to confess something too.

[SIGHS]

Um, I messed up the time zones
on our transfer deadline,

which is why we didn't sign up
that amazing fullback from Brazil.

Oh, my God.

- That's okay.
- Okay.

- Yeah, okay.
- [TED] All good.

[SIGHS, CHUCKLES]

- [COACH BEARD] Okay.
- That's all right. Yeah.

- Okay. Here we go.
- [SIGHS]

I don't read the scouting
reports you guys write.

I've lied every time they've come up.

They're boring, and I won't do it.

I appreciate that.

I-I pretend to get ideas in the moment,

but they're just good ideas
I've had for months.

I just time them to look spontaneous.

Hmm, it's a good move.

- [NATHAN] Mm-hmm.
- Illusion of the first time.

There was one game this season
where I was accidentally on mushrooms.

"Accidentally"?

I'd been at Jane's house, and
I drank tea from the wrong pot.

The Port Vale match?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- It won't happen again.
- [CHUCKLES]

Thanks, guys.

[CHUCKLES]

- Thank you.
- Mmm.

- All right, let's go kick their butts.
- Butts on three.

- Works for me. One, two, three.
- [ALL] Butts!

[SIGHS]

You all fancy now, drinking tea, huh?

I didn't know how to tell you.

[FANS CHEERING]

Wembley Stadium,
the Taj Mahal of English football.

The setting for every
young footballer's dreams.

A sporting b*ttlefield, pockmarked
with the footprints of giants.

Hoping to add another upset
to this fabled ground's storied list,

humble AFC Richmond.

Never won a major trophy.

The last London club
to make their Wembley debut.

Renewing hostilities against the
undisputed greatest team in the land,

the mighty Manchester City.

It was only months ago

this Richmond side were relegated
by City in heartbreaking fashion.

Jamie Tartt was a City player then,

and he helped send Richmond down.

Then City sent him down the M ,
and he's a Greyhound again.

Come on! Come on!

City are after another trophy.
Richmond are after revenge.

It's ready to blow, it's under
the arch, it's Wembley Stadium.

It's the FA Cup semifinal,
and it starts now.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

["BLUE MOON" PLAYING]

- [ARLO] Goal Manchester City!
- f*ck!

- No!
- [SCREAMING]

- How's that not offside?
- 'Cause he was only passively offside.

I don't get this frigging rule still.
That's all right.

- We're okay, guys!
- [ARLO] It's a corner kick for City.

- [MAN CITY PLAYERS CHEER]
- [ARLO] And a goal!

- f*ck!
- [ARLO] It's -nil.

Oh, -nil! Boosh!

sh*t!

[ARLO] This free kick
could be dangerous.

And it is. It's -nil.

They'll be searching for solutions
on the Richmond bench.

Defend!

- We've got to go three attackers...
- No. It's never too late to park the bus.

- It is too late.
- Guys, one at a time, please.

Okay, don't worry about it.
Hey, it's okay.

[ARLO] Can Richmond turn it
around in the second half?

Oh, no. It's an own
goal. And it's -nil.

Come on, boys!
You can do better than this!

[ARLO] This is when you start
looking for someone to blame.

Hey, ref! Clean the sh*t out of
your eyes, you dickless wonder.

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

[ARLO] Oh, no. Never
mess with Mike Dean.

Can't say that, mate. I'm sorry.

There you go.

Sorry about that, Mike.
We all know you have a penis.

I've been called worse.

All right, here we go! We got it!

- [FANS BOOING]
- [BLOWS WHISTLE]

[ARLO] And it's a penalty.

- Referee!
- What was it?

[PAUL] What is that?

[ARLO] And City remove
any shred of doubt

to the outcome of this match.

[CHRIS] If this was a fight,
they would stop it.

Frankly, Arlo, all fights should be
stopped before they even start.

God f*cking damn it.

Come on now, Coach. It is what it is.

Yeah. It is what it is.

[FANS LAUGHING]

[WHISTLES] Hey, Jamie!
You can score one now.

Fill your boots! Go on!

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

The only nice thing I can say
about Richmond today

is that Sam Obisanya's hair
looks absolutely fantastic.

City move on to play
Leicester in the final.

And you can be sure
Richmond's disappointment

hangs heaviest on the head of
a devastated Jamie Tartt.

It's on me arse.

All right. Okay. So... [CLEARS THROAT]

So, Sam, how did it feel to lose
that badly out there today?

Um, well, it's tough.

It's tough. I feel sorry
that we let the fans down.

There's nothing you can say.
It is what it is. It's a write-off.

We start again tomorrow.

Uh, Mr. Tartt.

You have a visitor.

Says he's your father.

[SIGHS] Yeah.

Are you decent? [LAUGHS]

I told ya. d*ck.

[CHUCKLES] Oh, gentlemen!
Gentlemen! [GROANS, CHUCKLES]

Hey, it's a tough one, lads.
It's a tough one, but no shame to it,

'cause, you know, we only ever b*at,

uh, everybody we play. [LAUGHS]

So you pups had no chance.

[GASPS] Oh. And there he is, my son.

My own flesh and blood.

Poor Jamie, my son. [BREATHES HEAVILY]

[SNIFFS] Now, maybe I'm thinking
his heart's still in Manchester

and that's why he missed
that sitter in the first half.

[CHUCKLING] Oh. Whoo!

You absolutely balled it. You balled it.

What were you thinking? [GROANS]
I'm only kidding, hey. [CHUCKLES]

Hey, look, do us a favor and
get Denbo and Bug past security.

They wanna go on the pitch,
take a few snaps, yeah?

I'd rather 'em not.

Yeah, they just want to look around.
It'll only take a second. Doosh.

I'd rather 'em not.

[JAMES] What?

What, you're not gonna
all go little moody bitch

just 'cause you got your arse
served to you on a plate, are ya?

Don't speak to me like that.

- Huh?
- Don't speak to me like that.

- Huh?
- Don't speak to me like that.

Okay, well, let's see
if you can hear this, hmm?

You know that ickle TV show you made?

You made it easier for Manchester City
to kick you to the curb.

And look where you are now. [CHUCKLES]

Twaddling about with a bunch of
amateurs. No offense, no offense.

Huh?

Don't turn your back on me, you p*ssy.

- [JAMIE GRUNTS]
- [GROANING]

Jesus. God. [PANTING]

[LAUGHS] Oh, yeah. Okay.

You can have that one for free.

- [COACH BEARD] Time to go.
- You wanna go? Let's have it.

- Don't you forget where you came from.
- [COACH BEARD] Watch the door.

- [GRUNTS] Oops.
- [JAMES] Ah.

["BEWARE OF DARKNESS" PLAYING]

[SOBBING]

[SONG CONTINUES]

[JAMIE SNIFFS]

[PEOPLE ON TV CHATTERING]

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello, Coach Lasso.

Sorry about the loss.

Oh, and thank you for the new bicycle.

It's very kind, but unnecessary.

Coach Lasso?

[BREATHES SHAKILY]

My father k*lled himself when I was .

That happened to me and, uh, to my mom.

[SIGHS] I'm so sorry, Ted.

And look, I don't know
if that's where maybe

some of my issues stem from.

No, it definitely is.

Right, tot... That makes sense.

Do you want to talk about it now?

No. No, not right now. I need
to get back inside to the team.

I just wanted you to know.

Okay, thank you for telling me, Ted.

Please call if you need me.

I will.

I will, I'm sorry. I will.

It's okay. Good night, Ted.

[GROANS]

[COACH BEARD] Hey, Coach!

[GROANS] Yeah?

[GROANS]

- You good?
- Huh?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, no...
I just had a quick phone call.

[SIGHS DEEPLY]

- That was a rough night, huh? [CHUCKLES]
- Yeah.

Okay, what do you, uh...

What do you say we make
like Schreiber and Liev, huh?

Uh, about that, uh...

I don't want to ride back with you guys.

I'd rather go shake this off.

Yeah, sure, no. Of course.

You wanna join me?

Well, you know I promised
Henry I'd FaceTime him.

They had a recital at his school,
and I wanna hear how it went.

[STAMMERS] I'll take a rain check.
All right? Yeah.

Hey. Hey, hey, just be
careful out there, all right?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

And don't forget tomorrow.

It's your turn for coffee
at the game film.

- Yeah.
- Bright and early.

Hey, Coach, bird by bird.

Not that kind of bird, but...

["DON'T LOOK BACK IN ANGER" PLAYING]

[SONG CONTINUES]

[MALE TV ANNOUNCER] Earlier,
Manchester City routed AFC Richmond

in the FA Cup -nil
with a parade of fantastic goals.

[FANS CHEERING]

[ARLO] And Goliath has
put David back in his place.

[TV ANNOUNCER] Here's
Sam Obisanya postgame.

[SAM] Uh, well... well, it's...
it's tough. It's tough, um...

I feel sorry that we let the fans down.

We lost. Very badly.

But we tried.

We gave it everything we had,

and for me, that is okay because
what's worse is not to try at all.

To try is scary, you know,
because you can end up losing a lot.

- But you have to put your heart out there.
- [SIGHS]

Otherwise, what's the point?

Thank you.

- [BREATHES DEEPLY]
- [PHONE CHIMES]

[PHONE CHIMES]

["SOMEWHERE ONLY WE KNOW" PLAYING]

[GROANS]

Yeah. [SNIFFS]

[GROANS, SIGHS]

Why did you send me your address?

For next time.

[KISSING]

[REBECCA] Mmm.

[SONG CONTINUES]