04x04 - Home Again, Home Again, Jiggity-Jig

[bunniefuu]

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Portia?

You're needed on set.

[PURITY RING'S "OBEDEAR"]

[UPBEAT INDIE POP]

I'm ready.

♪ Oh, but dear, the sky is low, watch ♪

Aww.

Oh, wow. Oh, my gosh!

This is so exciting. This is so eerie.

This looks, like, exactly like a
place we would've had brunch,

down to the tables and everything.

Like a restaurant?

Oh, my God. Portia!

Portia, it's me, Portia. [GASPS]

Hi. Oh, my...

Or should I say, it's you, Portia.

- Hi!
- Wow.

- Hi.
- Wow.

So good to meet you.

You look... you look really good.

- Oh, thank you.
- You look awesome.

I have to tell you, I'm such a fan.

I mean, when they told
me that Donna DiMarco

was playing me, my jaw dropped.

- You know, you're just a legend.
- Oh, thank you.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, and then

I just was like, wait, are we the same age?

I'm not that much older, but, um...

Anyway,
I'm so happy that you're acting still.

Yes! Oh, gosh, yes, girl.

I am thriving.

Yeah, ever since I became a mom,

I've been making

these antibiotic lollipops now for kiddos,

so I just boil doxycycline,
a little bit of simple syrup,

try to keep it all organic, all that stuff.

- You have kids?
- No.

No, not yet?

- We're not the same age.
- Oh, okay.

Oh, hey, have you met the boys?

- You have to meet the boys.
- No. Hi!

- [GASPS]
- Hi.

- Oh, my gosh.
- Hi.

Oh, it's so great to meet you.

It's so good to meet you. I'm Portia.

- I'm Nate.
- Nate.

- And I'm playing your GBF.
- Eek!

- Elliott is such a riot.
- Yeah.

Oh, my God, he's got a twisted mind.

It's crazy he believes
any of the stuff he says.

- Yeah.
- You know, it's probably

'cause his brain chemicals are like,

"Blah!" [LAUGHS]

So, Portia,
why were you friends with these people?

Oh, I'm still friends with them.

I do love them. Very much, actually.

- Well, I'm Freddy.
- Hi, Freddy.

- I'm playing Drew.
- Oh, my...

It is such an honor to be working with you.

Listen,
I am so sorry about what's happened to you.

Oh, thank you, and I am just...

I'm so happy you're playing Drew.

I think it's so cool that they... did that.

Well,
you're playing an Iraqi American woman.

- That is true.
- I... sorry.

I just... I had this idea for Portia.

Great.

So I thought that Portia could, like,

always be chewing gum in the scenes, right?

But just, like, really, like...
[SMACKS GUMS]

Really open-mouth, like, chewing,

and then anytime anyone
said anything shocking,

she could be like... [SMACKS GUM]

Does that kind of vibe with who you...

- I'm sorry.
- That's okay.

Portia, I'm here for just a few minutes

- for a fitting.
- Hi.

And I wanted to say hi
while I was on set today.

- So nice to meet you.
- I'm Charlotte. Hi.

Hi, Charlotte. Who are you playing?

I'm playing Chantal.

No.

- Sorry?
- What?

No, sorry, not no.

Sorry, this is just...
This is all so interesting.

[LAUGHTER]

This is... so... interesting.

I had to look for you.

Do you know how stressful that was?

It was dark

and I thought every mailbox
that I passed was you.

I couldn't catch a break.

Then my coat got snagged in the car door

in the middle of Skid Row.

And my shoe fell off,

and I stepped on the cold street

with my bare foot.

What a fiasco, by the way.

And all I could think was if you were okay.

Well, hello, neighbor!

[LAUGHS]

Excuse me very much!

What do you think you are up to?

I'm decorating.

It sounded like maybe you didn't have

a plan to do so,

and so I thought,
why not help you do your share

to spread some seasonal cheer.

Well, I'll have you know
that this is my property.

And I must ask you to leave immediately.

I will not have some thick-headed townie

showing off her stilt work on my yard.

Out! Out! Out!

Look, lady, I tried to be nice,

I tried to be polite,

and I get that city folk
let seasons come and go

without any respect

for what they mean to this country,

but in this town,
we do things a little differently.

We care.

You should care about

getting down from that ladder

and getting back in your car
within the next six seconds.

Or I'm gonna tell everybody in this town

that you hit me!

- [BREATHING HEAVILY]
- What?

I am not doing that. You're doing that.

You're a crazy woman!

I am intimate

with the most desperate
and ostentatious lawyers

on the whole East Coast,

and they would love

to make anybody's life a g*dd*mn nightmare!

They are begging for the green light.

All it takes is one text.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

You Grinch.

You Scrooge.

- You abominable snow-woman!
- [WHEEZING]

[SOFTLY] Help.

Help. Help.

Is there someone in your
car calling for help?

Call... call the police.

The police? What for, hon?

[SCREAMS]

[WHEEZES]

♪ ♪

I just don't understand
why you need to leave

so suddenly.

Yeah, I don't know.

The email just said, like,
"Oh, we'd be honored

"if you would be the alumni speaker

"at this year's senior ring ceremony,

"but you have to leave immediately," so...

I mean, it just seems kinda rude

not to give you at least a month

or even a day to prepare a speech.

I think that I'm like
the last-minute fill-in

for someone that dropped out or something,

so think I'm just gonna have to wing it.

Well, when will you be back?

You know,
'cause I was really hoping we could work

the Snowflake Gala together.

Yeah, I should be back by then.

Um, but who knows, right?

'Cause I actually might
stay a couple extra days

to see my family in Chicago.

So can we just play it by ear?

Well...

can you just promise me
you'll be back by then?

Yeah, I'll... I'm really gonna try my best.

This doesn't have anything to do with Dory,

does it?

Wait, no, you're not talking

about, like, my ex-girlfriend Dory,
right, like...

I accidentally looked
at your Google history.

It just popped up.

And you look her up, like, every day.

No. No. No, no, no, no, no.

I do... why would it do that?

That is so... that's,
um... That's so weird.

Oh, I bet it...
I think it's probably the presets.

Yeah, 'cause that was, um,

the first thing that I had Googled

when I bought the laptop,

so then I bet it just now
Googles it automatically

every single day.

You're not lying to me, are you?

Yeah, no, I'm... I-I...

I am...

- [LAUGHS]
- I am not lying.

I think I love you.

Yes. [LAUGHS]

And, um...

yeah, I am having...

big, big feelings too.

"Big feelings"?

S-so you don't... You don't love me.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

That's not... It's okay.

No, that... That's what I was saying.

It means... it means the same thing.

- Hey, hey, I...
- [TEARFUL LAUGH]

I love ya.

Well, good.

Yeah, good.

For the love of God, somebody help!

I think I cracked a rib,
and I need medical attention!

Ow.

Please.

Stop.

No one can hear you.

Well, what do we do?

There's nothing we can do.

What? Why do you live like this?

Is this how you wanna live?

No.

This is how he wants me to live.

I have no choice.

So Lylah's a man, right?

Yes.

His name... is Chip.

I knew it was a wig.

Once, I saw her at the
market and I thought,

"My God,

that woman's hair looks
completely upside-down."

He keeps me down here.

Then let's escape!

Let's b*at the hell out of him.

It's two against one,

and I got my grandfather's forearms.

Please don't do that.

He's the only one who knows the code

to get out of here,

and if he dies, we die.

How could you just let
this happen to yourself?

I don't understand your generation.

So snap out of it!

I had my chance.

I blew it.

Is this where you potty?

- They're perfect.
- Beautiful.

Mmm-mmm-mmm.

Behold the Elliott g*n.

[LAUGHS]

There's gonna be one in
every household in America

before the end of the year.

[LAUGHING]

- Oh...
- Uhh...

And just like the prototype promises,

no safety, always loaded.

No, you figured out a way
to keep it always loaded?

- How?
- Oh, I don't know.

None of us know.

[LAUGHTER]

But seriously, you have made

a lot of very rich men even richer,

and that is not something we take lightly.

Mmm.

We got a call from, uh... Warren Peaches.

About you. Yesterday evening.

Whoa, I'm sorry, wait, wait, wait.

Warren Peaches,
the CEO of this network, knows my name?

Oh, he more than knows your name.

- He's a fan.
- Oh, my God.

And his message was crystal clear.

"Make Elliott Goss a star."

Elliott,

we not only wanna launch Elliott g*ns.

We wanna make you a major
face of this network.

Oh, my heavens!

Okay, but what does that mean exactly?

Like, what happens to the show?
What happens to Charlie?

Oh, don't worry about Charlie.

I hate Charlie.

- Everyone here hates Charlie.
- Well...

She's fussy.

I wanna fire her myself,

and I'm gonna do it in a scary way.

- Oh.
- [CHUCKLES]

Just worry about yourself, Elliott.

You're going to be a household name.

- Yeah.
- [EXHALES]

[DOOR HINGES SQUEAK]

Food.

Uh, sorry, Lylah? Or... I don't know.

Um, I would like to know

what exactly you are
considering doing with me.

I don't know!

I don't know yet.

This was not part of the
plan and I need time, okay?

I need time to think.

Well, if you're not planning on k*lling me,

I would be very grateful.

But I should say that I
will need to eat very soon,

and I... sorry,

but I absolutely cannot eat that.

At least I can't eat it
without my medication,

which I need to take in three hours.

And you should know that
I have a corrugated heart,

Poppy Gillies Type , gastritis,

and chronic dropsy.

Can't have gluten or dairy

unless it's unpasteurized and hot.

I don't like plantains,

so don't even try and
cook a meal like that.

And if there's a hint of spice,

that is instant, instant diarrhea.

Can't have venison. Ate too much one night.

I haven't gone near it since.

I am on my third heart, so no red meat,

or at least no more than
ounces of a lean cut.

If I touch a peanut, I simply die.

Well, the nuggets are cooked in peanut oil.

I knew it.

I could feel my shoulders
starting to break out.

If you can't tell,
I'm not easy to keep alive.

Do you see, Dory?

Do you see what happens when you betray me?

Things get complicated!

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

Do you guys remember that girl,

Chantal Witherbottom?

[SCOFFS] Do I.

That girl was like queen bee.

Every time she walked into class,

all the boys' heads would turn.

And a few girls'.

[SNIFFS]

[SIGHS]

Uh-oh. I know that look.

Something on your mind, pussycat?

Do you guys ever get that feeling

in the back of your neck?

Like pins?

Or pricks.

That's it. Pricks.

My love, listen to your instincts, okay?

Now, you know I support you no matter what.

Hey, who wants to go clubbing tonight?

I'm five years cancer-free,
and I'm ready to tear it up.

[LAUGHTER]

I could get us into Dance .

I've been blowing the bouncer. [LAUGHTER]

Guys, I'm serious.

I saw a news report that she's missing.

[TENSE MUSIC]

And I don't know how to
explain what's happening to me.

But I know I can't just sit back

and let it happen.

And I know this is gonna sound so stupid...

♪ ♪

But if she dies,

I die.

And cut.

[BELL RINGS]

I love working with you.

- Why did we cut?
- Oof.

That felt really good.

I'm... did one of you mess up?

- No, I was word-perfect.
- Mm-mm.

Ah. [LAUGHS]

First scene, first take.

- Yes.
- Amazing.

Donna, I love you. I love your Portia.

- Thanks.
- Yeah.

- How we doing?
- Oh, I feel good.

- Oh, okay. Okay.
- Yeah, I feel great.

How do you... are you good?

You want me to try something different?

Um...

I don't know how to give this note,
'cause it's, um,

it's kind of about changing
your entire nature, right?

So I'm just craving

a little more devilishness, you know?

Yeah.

I mean, this is literally a woman

who did horrible things,

and so even though it's not
in the text in this scene,

I still wanna feel that in you.

Well, I think

just, um, 'cause I try to be a deep actor,

I don't wanna make her like a caricature.

- You know what I mean?
- Uh-huh.

You know what?

Let's, uh... let's just do another take.

- Okay, yeah, let's do it.
- And we'll see what happens.

- And just shake off.
- Yeah.

Shake off this one. Except for you.

Except for you guys. Keep it.

Okay.

I love her.

And then you mix exactly one teaspoon

of the powder.

Teaspoon. That's all.

- Hey, babe.
- Hey, Char-Char.

- What's wrong?
- What?

You're hiding something.

Hiding something? Me?

You know something.

[LAUGHS] It's about me, I can tell.

- What do you know?
- Nothing.

I literally don't know anything.

My mind has honestly been blank for hours.

- Tell me.
- Okay.

There's just some talk

that there may be some
changes at the network.

Why do you know this?

It's so not a big deal.

They just had, like,
a two-second chat with me

about maybe taking on a little bit more.

- Nothing major.
- [GRUNTS]

Okay, but you should maybe expect

to possibly be fired

and for me to become
the face of everything,

but honestly,
who's to say what the future holds?

- [GRUNTS]
- Oh! Ow.

- [BREATHING HEAVILY]
- I see how it is.

- You're fun.
- [WHIMPERS]

They like you.

But they don't know you.

Not like I do.

I know who Elliott Goss really is.

- He's a pathetic loser.
- Hmm.

And the irony is

is that this is his death sentence.

You can't handle pressure.

You never have.

Not with your books,

not with your water bottles,

and certainly not with this show.

Is that because deep down you know

that you're just a buck-toothed baby

with bear sh*t smeared across his face,

praying for the rain to
wash his dirty family away?

[TENSE MUSIC]

Charlie, I'm sorry.

It's just all so out of my control,
you know?

Like, this is just what they want for me.

They even proposed like
a line of g*ns for me.

[GASPS] I want g*ns!

[BOTH SCREAM]

[SCREAMING] I will k*ll you!

[SCREAMS]

[WHIMPERING]

Elliott!

Get back here!

[GRUNTS] Ohh...

Oh, my God!

[GASPS]

- [OVERLAPPING CHATTER]
- Is she okay?

What?

Is that a book?

What...

Charlie?

Oh, God. Help!

Someone call !

My friend was hit by a book!

Wh... where did that come from?

Can I ask,

where are we?

I saw a license plate from Massachusetts.

Is that where we are?

Oh, my God.

You don't even know what planet you're on.

Yes, this is Babyfoot, Massachusetts.

I'm happy you're here.

I haven't talked to anyone in... months.

Well, that must be difficult.

The days just melt into each other.

There's no... night here.

It's just one...

looong day.

I'm starting to wonder

if I'm ever gonna get out of here.

Or if I should just k*ll myself.

Okay. Stop, stop, stop.

I'm sorry, but you have got to stop talking

about all the things you are talking about.

I don't talk like this.

My friends and I like to keep it light.

- Okay?
- I'm sorry.

I don't have anyone else to talk to

about this kind of stuff.

Okay,
you know what I do when I am feeling...

down?

I say to myself,

"Paula Jo Bridgewater,

you are a happiness warrior."

So why don't you try
that? What's your name?

Dory.

Okay. So you say, "Dory"...

Oh, I knew you looked familiar.

Oh, I know who you are.

You're that girl.

Oh, my God!

I am trapped with a k*ller! Ah! Oh!

A k*ller has trapped me
in a room with a k*ller!

[PHONE BUZZES]

[GASPS]

Guys, look.

Unknown caller.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Answer it, Dor.

♪ ♪

Hello?

[SMACKING GUM]

[WHIMPERING]

- Chantal?
- [BOTH GASP]

[GASPING AND WHIMPERING]

[LINE BEEPS]

- [GASPS]
- Dory!

- Dory, are you okay?
- Dory!

♪ ♪

I think I found a clue.

[WHISPERING]

I don't believe a word that she says.

Sorry, I just... There's whispering.

I don't know if we're cutting. [BELL RINGS]

Oh, it always feels personal, doesn't it?

Ugh. It's just the worst.

You guys can go. You guys can go.

Oh. Kay.

Kay. Hi.

So I know it's dangerously late
to start talking like this,

but, um,
I don't get what you're doing, right?

It's, like,
confusing me as to who Dory even is.

- Totally.
- It's just not clear.

Yeah. She's just very complicated.

And, like, even after everything she did,

I still don't know why she did it.

Okay.

So what I'm feeling right now

is like maybe you're too close to her,

and, you know,
you can't even see her right now.

- Yeah.
- Here's an idea.

- Why don't you take a week off?
- Okay.

Okay, and then come back

to me with a Dory I understand.

- Thank you so much for...
- Does that make sense?

Yeah. Thanks for taking the time.

No, you don't have to thank me.

- Seriously.
- No, please don't.

Okay? Okay. [BOTH LAUGH]

All right, everybody.

That's a wrap because of Portia.

Oh.

All right.

Here's everything you evidently must have.

And I just wanna say that I made a decision

about what I'm going to do with you.

And my decision is that
I just need more time

to sort through everything.

Well, I'm sorry to say,

but I think I need to be released,

because I cannot share a cell with her.

Why not?

[WHISPERING] Because she's a k*ller.

And I do not feel safe around K*llers.

[SIGHS]

This is my best friend.

She's a good person.

Okay. Okay. Well, I'm sorry.

Only a bad person would say
that Dory's a bad person.

You're a bad person.

You're a mean, disgusting,

sad, shitty, pathetic,

evil, scary, ugly person!

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

[GROANING]

[HACKING]

♪ ♪

[COUGHING]

Ow. [CHOKING]

- [WHEEZES]
- Chip.

[COUGHING AND WHEEZING]

Chip. You need to get her help.

I'm sorry, I can't do that.

Not after what she said about you.

[WHEEZING] Help...

I-I can't breathe.

[CHOKES]

[GRUNTS]

Oh, my God!

Call an ambulance.

No, she doesn't need an ambulance.

She just needs to put
her head between her legs

- and take some deep breaths.
- No.

She needs, like, real medical help.

She's just being dramatic!

There's no way a peanut could do that!

She needs to learn

that she can't treat you like that.

Because you're a good person.

In fact, you're a...
You're a perfect person.

[CROAKS]

And you need to start embracing that.

Stop calling me a good person.

- [WHEEZING]
- You know what?

We've both had really long days.

[QUIETLY] I k*lled Keith.

I k*lled him.

Now you're just talking gibberish.

- [CROAKS]
- Kay?

I can still hear the sound of his skull

cracking on the counter.

[CRACKS]

You don't know what you're talking about.

I k*lled him!

And then I k*lled my
neighbor to cover it up!

And then I lied about it.

And I got away with all of it!

I deserve to be in jail,

but instead,
I'm trapped in this basement with you!

No!

You're innocent!

No!

All those horrible things
they said are true.

I am a m*rder*r.

I'm a liar.

I'm a psycho.

What you really like about me
is that I can manipulate people

into thinking that I'm not.

You admire that, because you wish

that you could do the same thing.

But you can't.

Because people just know

that you're a f*cking freak!

Stop! Stop it!

Trust me.

You don't wanna be my friend.

I'm not worth it.

I just... I hate myself so much.

I'm so scared of myself,

of what I'm capable of,

of what I don't understand.

I don't wanna be me anymore!

I just wanna start over!

I'm broken! I'm wrong!

[SOBBING]

I just wish

all the darkness inside
of me could be erased.

I just wanna start over.

[SOBBING]

♪ ♪

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

- Hi.
- Drewby.

- Yeah.
- Hi.

- Hi.
- Oh, my gosh.

- Yeah.
- It's been so long.

- Yeah.
- I'm happy that you're alive.

- Yeah, yeah, me too.
- Hi.

- Drew?
- Hi.

I haven't seen you in months.

- Yeah.
- You've gained weight.

Okay. Yeah, great.

I think it looks really good in your face.

- Oh, thanks, yeah.
- Is everything okay?

- Are you fine?
- Yeah, everything's cool.

No, I'm good, yeah.

Sorry to just show up like this.

My phone's dead and I've
been traveling all day, so...

Where have you been traveling from?

Where have you been?

Yeah, no, no,
there's a lot to tell you guys,

but I just wanna start off by saying...

I think that Dory's in trouble.

Oh, did she leave her debit
card at a museum or something?

I don't know what's going on,
but I do know for a fact

that she's posting pictures
from Europe that aren't real.

- What?
- What, what, what?

- Yeah. Just...
- What are you...

Here, look.

Okay. Yeah.

So yeah. So this photo, right?

So that was supposedly taken yesterday,
right?

- Mm-hmm.
- Well...

Yep, I knew that I had
packed this away in storage,

so I flew here and I
dug through those boxes

for three hours, but I found it.

That's the same sweater.

Oh, this is for sure photoshopped.

I can tell.
I used to... I used to do this all the time

when I would show Mark
pictures of my fake family.

Like, why would she do this?

And she left all of a sudden,
and then I had to

pack all her stuff and put it in storage.

It's like, I don't know.

- S-something just seems wrong.
- This is weird.

This is... what's...
Oh, God, what's happening?

Oh, my God,
I forgot to tell y'all something.

- What?
- The Twink is alive.

- What?
- Mm-hmm.

- The Twink that honeyed me?
- Yes. I'm sorry.

- El!
- No, I'm sorry.

I just... finding out about it was like

the least important thing
that happened to me that day,

and it just kinda flew out of my mind.

- I'm sorry.
- Oh, my God.

But, hey, Elliott, I mean, the hospital,

they called me, right,
and they said that he was dead.

- Yeah.
- Right, but now that

I think about it, that is so weird.

Why would a hospital call someone

who's not a family member

and tell them the patient's dead?

Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

Yeah, that's... that is weird.

[SHIVERING] Ooh.

I don't like this.

I'm starting to get freaked out.

Okay, so...

yeah, so no one knows where Dory is, right?

So... she's missing.

You know, I mean,
we don't owe her this, but...

Like maybe we look into it?

I mean, yeah, let's look into it,

but, you know, doesn't have to be

like a huge search or anything.

Yeah. It's probably nothing.

But maybe we should look into it.

Yeah.

Okay.

[PROGRAMM'S "LIKE THE SUN"]

♪ ♪

[CLATTERING]

[LATCH CLICKS]

♪ I might be lost ♪

♪ But I know the way ♪

♪ Your face is long ♪

♪ From what I can see ♪

♪ ♪

♪ The dark horse rides ♪

♪ On a sea of white ♪

[GASPS]

♪ Just like the sun ♪

♪ I can feel it all ♪

♪ Just like the sun ♪

♪ We've reached a way ♪

♪ ♪

♪ To a better time ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I can see it all ♪

♪ On a sea of white ♪

♪ If I shut my eyes... ♪

[COUGHS]