08x23 - Fight or Flight

[bunniefuu]

[Crow caws]

Congratulations again on Axl.

Terrific party.

If you have to have a party
with store-bought food,

this was the way to do it.

Can I toss these
or did you want to wash them?

Oh, ick, Nancy, no,
of course, toss them.

- Congrats again.
- Oh, thanks, honey.

- Good night.
- 'Night!

Okay, do you want to fish those
out of there?

Already on it.

[Sighs]

How great was this day, huh?

That kid inside, he got through
four years of college,

which... let's just say it...

was a real nail-biter.

You don't need to tell me.

I was betting against him.

- I'm like the Pete Rose of dads.
- [Chuckles]

Hey, that's pretty good.
Who can I tell that to?

Did Bill leave?

[Laughs]

Oh, I am just so proud of him, Mike.

I don't think I've ever been more proud.

What an amazing kid we've raised.

[Sighs]

I want him out of my house.

Well, that was a short love affair.

No, I love him, but he needs
to get a job and move out.

If he doesn't, I'm gonna k*ll him or me

or both of us.

I got used to him not living here.

I like knowing that
when I open the cereal box,

there will actually be cereal in it.

I-I like it when there's
no dirty socks on the table

or on my bed or in the fridge.

That one was on purpose. It had to be.

Well, that's not gonna happen,

'cause we're gonna have ground rules

and he's gonna follow them.

Yeah, right.
We tried ground rules before.

Remember how that worked out?

Like when we drew up a contract

that he had to take a bath
every other day if he wanted TV.

Well, he was years old.

He signed his name with an X.

I'm not sure it was legally binding.

Well, we should've been more concerned

that our -year-old could only
sign his name with an X...

and he's the one we read to.

Well, look, he's not anymore.
He's a man.

And if we treat him like one,
he'll act like one.

[Grunts]

[Sighs]

Fun party, huh?

Guess we probably should clean up.

Okay, cool, thanks.

[Clicks tongue]

Stop looking at me.

Axl, I know this was your big day,

but we could really use the help.

Oh, my God.

It's my graduation.

I haven't had a day off in years.

I'm exhausted.
I just want to take a break.

Can't Brick just do it for me?

- Can't.
- [Gasps]

I'm stretching my back.

I think it was a reading injury.

Last week, I did a page turn

while reaching for a pretzel.

Okay, fine, we'll clean up
the party stuff.

But, Axl, you need to put
all this crap away.

I have standards... not many.

That is not my stuff.

Hmm. Unicorns,

puppies selling flowers to each other.

Sue!

You've got to get rid of this stuff.

Who keeps a Justin Bieber calendar?

He's holding a kitten.

I also like this
because this is back when

he was religious...
Justin Bieber, not the kitten.

[Gasps] Maybe the kitten...

I don't know if animals believe in God.

I like to think they do.

[Gasps] Oh, no, no, no.

- I can't throw this out.
- [Sighs]

I found it in the trash.

- I rescued it.
- Really, Sue?

There's just something about it.

It spoke to me.

Actually, it kind of did.

When my garbage bag hit it,

it started playing "Winter Wonderland,"

which is a surprisingly scary song

when you don't know
where it's coming from.

Listen, you need to watch it.

It's in your genes to become a hoarder.

Before you start collecting toilets,

you've got to get it together.

- Axl: Got it.
- [Sighs]

♪

Frankie: But instead of throwing
out the junk she didn't need,

Sue decided to buy more junk
to keep it in.

[Clank]

[Whispering] Don't be a person.
Don't be a squirrel.

Don't be a person. Don't be a squirrel.

[Squeaking]

I think I figured out
what's causing my back problems.

It's this chair you made me sit in.

Made you sit in?

For years, you begged us
to get you a normal chair.

Well, I have to listen to my body.

Besides, I miss my old chair.

I sat in it for as long
as I can remember.

It's like a trusted friend,
a faithful comrade.

You don't have to write it a poem.

It was a lawn chair.

Which happens
to have been perfectly molded

to my coccyx.

[Whispering] Coccyx.

Wow, that's been a while.

So where is it?

[Sighs] I don't know, Brick.

Where is anything?

I got into a car accident!

- What?!
- Oh, my God, what happened?

- You okay?
- Yeah.

And no people were hurt,
and no squirrels were hurt.

I saw half a slug, but I'm pretty sure

he was like that when I got there.

So, what happened?

I backed up and I brushed into a car

and [inhales deeply] I scratched it.

That's it?

Well, I'm not % sure about the slug,

- but yeah.
- Do you know where my old chair is?

- What?
- I'm suffering from back trouble.

Back trouble, Brick?

I cheated death today.

Maybe you chucked it in the basement

along with all
my other childhood memories.

Possible, entirely possible.

How bad was the damage?

Okay, here, I took a picture of it.

Mm.

- I don't see anything.
- Me neither.

Expand, expand. Expand!

You mean that thing
that looks like an eyelash?

Yes!

Oh, honey, I don't think
there's any damage there.

Looks like you dodged a b*llet.

[Sighs] Yeah, well,
I left a note, just in case.

[Both groan]

Why'd you go and do that?

Because it's the right thing to do.

Come on.

No, she's right, Mike.

Leaving a note is the right thing to do

when you've left an imaginary
scratch on someone's car.

Exactly. Better safe than sorry.

Okay, now, I am gonna go to my room

and wait for the call. Ah!

[Gasps] You almost lost me today. Ugh!

You're never gonna believe this.

I have major news.

[Gasps]

You got a job?

He got a job!

Better...

I'm going to Europe.

♪

Wait, what?

What do you mean you're going to Europe?

Yeah. Kenny's backpacking
around Europe for the summer

and he wants me to come with him.

Uh... I started my car
with a screwdriver this morning,

and you think we're gonna pay
for you to go to Europe?

No. I'm not asking you to.

Kenny might have some business
meetings for his app stuff,

and you know how Kenny
doesn't like to talk,

so he offered to pay for my ticket

so I can come and be his voice.

Hold on. Where exactly are you going?

Don't know. Probably lots
of countries, I would think.

You know... Rome, Paris, Europe.

How long are you gonna be there for?

Don't know. This summer.

We'll be back in August,
probably, I think.

But their summer might be our winter,

so I'm not totally sure.

- Where are you gonna stay?
- Don't know.

We're just gonna buy a train ticket

and figure it out on the way.

I'm going to Europe. [Laughs]

No, you're not.

What?

Why?

You just graduated college.

Now what you do is, you get a job

and then you get married
and eventually you have kids,

and someday you'll tell them

they can't go to Europe.
That's how it works.

Dad, this is a
once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

Do you think companies
close up shop in the summer

and start offering jobs in the fall?

All the people you just graduated with

are gonna get the good jobs

and you'll be left with whatever
slim pickings there are

in September, when you get back

from flouncing around Europe.

[Scoffs]

I won't be flouncing.

Flouncing, traipsing, gallivanting...

all that European stuff,

it's not what people do
when they graduate.

Well, the chair wasn't in the basement.

But on the plus side,

something dropped from the ceiling

and bit me on the face.

♪

[Sighs]

Europe.

You believe that guy?

You know what I was doing

the day after I finished college?

Interviewing for jobs?

Interviewing for jobs.

But that's not for him.

No, looking for work is hard.

Flying off to Europe is easy.

He's not going, Frankie.

There's no way this is happening.

Right, exactly. [Scoffs]

Although...

it would be kind of incredibly cool.
What?

Yeah, I-I-I-I'm just, you know,

playing devil's advocate...

which, if you think about it,
is a stupid expression

'cause the devil's
a real stinker, it's not like...

Don't do the yammering thing.
Just spit it out.

Well, Kenny's paying for the ticket,

so, I don't know, maybe he should go.

[Scoffs] What planet
are you on, Frankie?

The other day, you
were planning a m*rder-su1c1de

if he didn't get a job
and get out of your house.

No, I still want him to get a job,

and I definitely want him
to get out of my house.

But he has the rest of his boring life

to start the rest of his boring life.

It's not responsible to go to Europe

unless you have a job
and can afford to go.

He might never be able to afford to go.

We can't afford to go.

Remember that month
we paid our bills off on time

and we had this two-week window
where we just watched TV?

That was our Europe.

Maybe he should have the real thing.

I'm not sending my son
halfway around the world

when he can't even figure out
a way to take his socks off

with his hands.

I don't get you at all
right now, Frankie.

Look, it's hard for you to understand

'cause you're not a carefree person.

It's not your fault.

It's just the way you're made.

You're a straight arrow.

You know what my mom said
when she first met you?

You're like a young Henry Fonda.

Henry Fonda?

What's wrong with Henry Fonda?

Oh, I was thinking of Henry Winkler.

What's wrong with Henry Winkler?

Look, the point is, you're Henry Fonda

and me and Axl are...

Errol Flynn.

We're swashbucklers.

We're carefree.

You know who else is carefree?

- Rusty.
- Yeah, but Axl's not like Rusty.

He's a -year-old kid

who just wants to have
an amazing experience.

There's no such thing
as a -year-old kid.

He's a -year-old man

who's got to stop putting off
being a man

and face reality.

Yeah, well, reality bites the bazoonie.

Eh, well, the sooner he finds that out,

the sooner he can get used to it.

While you and Axl are off swashbuckling,

it's my job in this family
to keep our feet on the ground.

I feel strongly about this, Frankie.

You got to back me up here.

Fine.

If Axl's not going,
maybe Kenny will invite me.

[Laughs] Just kidding.

Boo, Europe.

[Sighs]

Hey, you found your chair.

Where was it?

Outside, covered in your bras.

Ooh, yeah, sorry.

I read in some magazine that
you can revive the stretch

by drying them in sunlight.

So what'd you do with the bras?

I dropped them on the ground.

- Brick.
- Don't worry.

I didn't touch them.

I used a stick.

Oh, yeah.

That's the stuff.

[Crow caws]

Hey, did anyone call for me?

No.

[Sighs] No one called my cell, either.

Why is the owner of the car
not calling me?

[Gasps]

Maybe my handwriting was too shaky

'cause I had just been in an accident...

or maybe a bird flew off with the note.

Sue, birds don't just fly off
with things.

I better go check.

[Crow caws]

Turns out, the note was there.

But Sue left another one, just in case.

♪

How's it going?

I'm missing a bra.

What are you doing?

I'm enjoying my old chair so much

I take it everywhere I go.

No more back pain.

[Sighs] I feel again.

Mike: What the hell is wrong with you?

Axl: What is wrong with you?

Since when do you talk to me like that?

Except I'm not one of your
buddies at school, you know.

I'm the one that's trying
to do you a favor here.

I'm trying to set you straight.

Oh, thank you. Wow. Thank you.

- Where is your head, Axl?
- You're looking at it!

What's going on?!

What's going on?

A messenger just dropped off
a passport for your son.

He still thinks he's going to Europe.

Of course I'm going! It's Europe!

We settled this.

Yeah, it's settled.

I'm going. You get it, right, Mom?

Yeah, I... oh.

[Sighs] This isn't about you
wanting to go to Europe.

This is about grabbing on
to any chance you can

to avoid real life.

I have always wanted
to go to Europe... always.

Invent a TV that turns on when
you wake up, go to Europe...

those are my two dreams.

Come on. The only time

you've mentioned London or France

is in that rhyme about seeing
someone's underpants.

[Laughs]

[Groans] "Underpants" makes me laugh,

but I am very angry. You will
not disarm me with humor.

What the hell makes you think

you can afford to be doing this?

Kenny's paying for it.

He's paying for your ticket.

Who paid for the passport?

Who's paying for your other expenses?

That could've been money
that was going to groceries.

It has never been my job
to buy groceries.

Oh, right, 'cause you don't have a job.

Well, let me tell you something...

there's gonna be
some ground rules around here

starting now,

and not like the bathtub contract.

Rules that get followed.

I don't care if you know how
to spell your name or not.

What the hell are you smirking at?

"Underpants" popped into my head again.

Grow up, Axl!

Oh, I am all grown up, muchacho.

I'm going to Europe,
and you can't stop me.

♪

What are you doing?

I'm packing my nunchucks for the trip.

Aw, that's great. The boy genius
is packing his nunchucks.

No one is letting you on a plane
with nunchucks.

I believe you're thinking of toothpaste.

I'm not thinking of toothpaste!

All the stuff you know about air travel

is what you've seen on the TV,

but I'm doing the real thing.

You know how important this is,
right, Mom?

Uh, I...

What if Kenny ditches you? What then?

You don't know this guy that well.

He never talks. How you getting back?

I will figure stuff out there.

That's part of the experience.

Four years in college,
and he comes back dumber

than he went in.

No, four years of college,

I learned there's
a whole world out there.

You're just jealous
'cause you don't get to go.

Oh, snap.

Yep, you got me!

That's it, Axl, I am jealous of you.

That's what it is. I would love
to stay a kid my whole life.

[As Axl] That'd be awesome.

I'm just gonna play the guitar
and sit in my room.

I don't got to do adult stuff like work.

I've got long hair
that hangs over my eyes.

I'm cool.

I am going, and you can't stop me.

- [Normal voice] You already said that.
- Yeah, I did,

'cause I mean it.

Gah!

Do you think it's weird
the owner of the car

hasn't contacted me yet?

Wha...

So two days after
not hearing anything back

from her accident victim,

Sue left yet another note...

and the Donahues' number as a backup...

and a map...

and a pamphlet of things to do in Orson

in case they were just visiting.

I don't get it, Brick.

I left a note several days ago.

Why hasn't anyone called me?

[Sighs] It's clear
what's happening here.

They're lawyering up.

What?

You left the scene of the crime,

you admitted guilt,
you gave a timeline of events...

you pretty much handed them
everything they need.

They're gonna throw the book at you.

But as long as I can bring
this chair to prison,

I'll come visit.

- [Spits]
- Brick.

I didn't say it was a perfect system.

Sue, you're obsessing.

Oh, I was so cocky after the accident.

"Look at me not hitting a person.

Check me out, I didn't k*ll a squirrel."

God is punishing me for my arrogance.

You want this Pillow Pet?

Is the Velcro still good?

No. Then no.

Yes!

Oh, why wouldn't he call?

The car hasn't moved in days.

He had to have seen the notes by now.

[Gasps] Unless...

he's old, and he's on the floor
in his apartment

because he had a heart att*ck
and nobody knows about it.

Oh, my gosh!

Why would I just leave a note?

Oh, I should have knocked on
every door until I found him.

Then he might still be alive!

♪

Axl, you're starting to use Sue's pile

as the laundry pile.

Respect the piles.

Oh, so, what you doing?

Uploading my résumé to TheJobDonkey.com.

Got to get me a job before
all the good ones are gone.

Wait, you had your passport.

You were all set to go.

Yeah, I'm not going.

But you were so determined.

You marched angrily through the hall.

No, I thought about what Dad was saying,

and he's right.

I had fun for years,
but it's over now.

It is what it is.

Think I'd be good at selling tie clips?

Also, what are tie clips?

I thought they were, like, clip-on ties,

but apparently
that's a whole other thing.

[Exhales sharply]

Screw that.

- You're going.
- What?

You have the rest
of your life to sell tie clips,

but right now you need to see
the world because it's amazing.

I mean, I haven't seen it,
but I've seen pictures.

Wha... I can't go.

It's too late.
Kenny's already at the airport.

The flight leaves at : .

We can still make it.

What do you need?

What?

What do you need for Europe?

Get your passport,
I'll get your bag ready.

Wait, is that stuff clean or dirty?

Who cares? French people smell bad...

everybody loves that about them.

Jeans, boxers.

Am I really doing this? What about Dad?

I'll take care of Dad.

Oh! Coat. Coat.

And, um, umbrella.

Book! Gonna need a book for the plane.

Ooh, I got one.

Okay, this is written
as a fictional conversation

between a woman and her uterus,

but it's really funny.

Neck pillow!

Where's your toothbrush?

Can't bring a toothbrush.

No, that's toothpaste.

What would possibly be the
problem with a toothbrush?

My God, I can think
of three different ways

to k*ll someone with a toothbrush.

Brick, Axl's taking
your toothbrush to Europe.

What's going on?

Don't talk, just listen to me.

You can talk after I get it all out,

but you have to let me finish first.

I love you and I support you

and I back you on a ton of stuff,

stuff that I don't even
agree with you about,

like that whole thing

with Ron Donahue and the giant spatula.

And the caves... nobody wanted
to do that, and all these years,

you won't let anybody buy drinks
or snacks at the movies.

And I always say, "Your father's right.

These prices are crazy."

But here's the thing...

you can't get the Reese's
Peanut Butter four pack

at the grocery store.

You can only get it at the movies,

and so you pay a premium.

And I think that's fair,

but it's important to you,

so I'm fine smuggling in crappy snacks.

But I'm not fine with this.

Axl needs to go to Europe.

I'm not talking about letting him go.

I'm saying he needs to go.

This might be the only chance
he ever gets.

He needs to go, Mike.

I will happily eat
off-brand peanut-butter cups

for the rest of my life,
but he needs to go.

You can talk now.

I don't want him to go.

Oh, my God, what is with you?

You are so stubborn.

Just let him have fun.

It's his last summer.

Exactly.

After this, he moves into
an apartment, then a house.

He'll have his own family.

And that's it.

I thought we'd at least have him
for the summer, you know?

We'd maybe, uh,
you know, watch some games,

sh**t some hoops.

Europe's far.

It's just... far.

That is so freaking Henry Fonda.

Oh.

Okay, move, move, move.

He's leaving right now?

Plane leaves at : .

[Sighs]

We'll take , it's faster.

[Gasps] Oh, wait!

My dad has that third cousin in Ireland.

I'll get his contact info.

Their phone numbers are all weird.

Just punch it all in.

Agh.

Why'd you park the 'Bago
in front of the driveway?

Well, there was a truck
in my usual spot.

I didn't want to walk
all the way down the block.

I've been really tired lately.

Okay, okay, just move it.

Hi.

I'm looking for Sue Heck.

I'm Sue Heck.

You're Blue SUV Man.

Oh, my gosh, I'm so happy you're alive.

Unless you're gonna sue me.

I'm not gonna sue you,

except maybe for extreme niceness.

Ah. [Laughs]

That's not a real thing, right?

I know, logically, it isn't,

but I am in
a very delicate place right now.

No, there's no damage to my car.

I just had to come
and meet you in person.

Most people wouldn't have
bothered to leave a note,

much less .

I just felt so bad.

Are you kidding? You should feel good.

These days, people are
at each other's throats,

mean to each other all the time.

Clearly your parents raised you right.

Frankie: Don't be an idiot, Brick.

You can't take the folding chair
to the airport.

Brick: What if there's a delay?

Mike: Let's go, let's go.

Seriously? Again?

Sue: [Chuckles]

What you did was special.

If there's anything
you ever need in the future,

give me a call.

Ah. It's just one.

I could leave you more.

[Chuckles] No. No, no, no, no.

One is great.

My mom thinks I'm kind of a hoarder.

Sue, let's go. We're taking
your brother to Europe.

Brick: Do they allow chairs on planes?

- Mike: Plane's gonna leave!
- No!

Axl, what's the problem?

It's dead.

Oh, you're kidding me.

Told you this would come in handy.

I already know I can't move it.
I tried before.

Well, can we go around?

How? We got the hill on one side

and the tree on the other.

What are we gonna do?

♪

[Gasps] Bring me back a mug
or a stuffed animal.

I can never have enough stuffed animals.

You have enough stuffed animals.

I want to bring you
a T-shirt with that statue

of the lady who's got wings but no head.

It'll look cool when you're wearing it

and you got no head.

Oh, you are not freezing my head.

Already put in the paperwork.

- Mom!
- Mike.

- Sue.
- Rob.

Axl.

Man: Welcome
to the international terminal.

For your convenience, please
try our new curbside check-in.

Passengers with boarding passes

who are not checking in any baggage,

you may proceed to Security.

All right.

[Grunts]

Wait!

Oh, okay, try to find free wi-fi
so that you can e-mail us.

Let us know when you change countries.

And some cultures drink wine at lunch...

it doesn't mean you have to.

Sue: Take pictures so we know
what the world looks like.

Just stand for five seconds.

Axl: I got to go, got to go!

Hey, wait!

If you get a chance,

you should check out the Colosseum.

I saw a show about it when I was a kid,

and it looked really cool.

Okay, I'll find the show online
and watch it.

No, I mean go to the thing.

I know.

Just kidding. [Chuckles]

Oh.

- Thanks.
- All right.

Thanks.

All right.

Oh, I'll send you a postcard from Paris!

Arrivedeverci!

[Laughs]

♪

So we got the first Heck ever
off to Europe

and all because Sue left a note.

See? You put good things out
into the world

and good things come back to you.

[Scraping]

[Gasps]

Uh...

We'll just tell him on the ride home.