02x12 - Take Back Your Mink

[bunniefuu]

Maxwell, we can get this kid. His parents said yes. His agent said yes.

Now, shall I call Elaine and close the deal or not?

I don't know, Cee Cee. A sitcom star in a revival of "Oliver"?

What are we going to call it? "Eight Orphans is Enough"?

Maxwell, this kid is on every lunch box in America.

This is little Kippy from "Royal Flush."

Never heard of it. Niles? / Oh, I'm not much for sitcoms, sir.

Well, "Mr. Belvedere," "Benson,"

anything really where the butler is the smartest member of the family.

Maxwell, I am telling you Jack Walker spells box office.

He will appeal to even the least-cultured, lowest common denominator.

Oh, you have got to try these pepperoni pockets.

You will never order from Pizza Hut again. What?

Miss Fine, have you by any chance heard of a young actor named Jack --

Walker from "Royal Flush"? Oh, the kid is a genius.

When he goes "Hey! Yoe! Whoa!"

You see, Maxwell, if we've got Jack, we've got a success.

I will bet my reputation on it.

Oh, sorry, there's a $ . minimum.

Oh!

Look, he's walked off his show. He wants to do quality,

and he thinks that's what we do. Ha, ha.

All right. I'll think about making him an offer.

Yeah, well, don't give it as much thought as you did when you turned down "Cats."

What is the bloody statute of limitations on that mistake, Miss Fine?

I would say now and forever.

Have you ever even seen "Royal Flush"?

Oh, God, now she's sitting on the desk. This is going to be an hour at least.

I'll be brief. See, it's all about this rich handsome widower

who hires this really streetwise maid to take care of his kids,

only she's really gorgeous so there's this major sexual tension.

Oh, please. / What?

He's in love with his business partner. She's got all the class.

Oh, what show are you watching? The butler shuts her up every time she opens her mouth.

There's a butler?

All right. Make the bloody deal.

Anything to put an end to this insipid discussion.

Oh, this is exciting. So, you put him up at a really nice hotel,

give him the red carpet treatment, you know, room service, limos, theater tickets --

oh, and, you know, just so that he shouldn't feel alone, I'll go with him and take care of him.

Max -- Maxwell, Nanny Fine is not qualified to take care of him. He's a very important child.

Unlike my own children? / Woopsie!

I'm picturing the Plaza, which is right down the road from Elizabeth Arden in case he needs a bikini wax.

He'll stay here with us until his parents can join him.

Oh, right. Well, whatever's best for the boy ...

This close.

Come on, kids, "Royal Flush" is going on.

I like "Full House" better. / No way. "Royal Flush" beats "Full House" every time.

Oh, look, there he is.

Hey! Yoe! Whoa!

It's a gift from God.

Like Streisand.

No. He is so obnoxious. / It's TV, Mags. It's a formula.

Look, the big sister's an airhead and the little kit's obnoxious,

but then he erupts into a teen heartthrob.

Yeah, but he better keep his ego in check.

Otherwise, he's going to be knocking over video stores with Dana Plato.

What happens to the cute little one?

She gets a breast reduction and goes to Yale.

Please, would you turn that off. Jack will be here any minute.

Oh, God, look at him. He can't act.

Ssshhh ... Here comes the maid.

Don't start with me, Clyde.

Oh, just look at the clothes she's wearing.

How could she afford to dress like that on her salary?

I know I can't.

This is absurd. The father just stands there like a stunned beast

and gives his bloody servants the run of the house.

The servants don't have the run of the house.

Oh,by the way, my mother's coming over to use your jacuzzi tub.

Tell her Level III bubbles and pulsates.

So I've heard.

Okay. Kids, shut the TV off.

The last thing Jack Walker wants to hear is lines from his own show.

Hey! Yoe! Whoa!

Yeah, like, I haven't heard that in about two seconds.

Jack, how was the flight? / Oh, I hate airplane food. It's loaded with salt.

Look at me. I'm all bloated. I look nine.

Jack, I'm Maxwell Sheffield.

Yeah, yeah, how you doing? Love that tie, babe.

Who is this?

Oh, I'm Fran. And I'm such a big fan.

I've seen every one of your episodes

except for the one that the president interrupted,

like he couldn't inv*de Haiti during "Blossom."

Babbling, Miss Fine. / Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just so excited.

I can't believe I'm meeting little Kippy Cooper.

Please pinch me. Oh!

That's just an expression.

Jack, come on, let me introduce you to my children.

This is Brighten, Grace, and Maggie.

Hey, I really dug that episode where you lost your virginity.

Yeah, like I had to act.

Brighten, since you'll be sharing a room, why don't you go up and put away your toys, huh?

Toys? Toys?

Why don't you just bring out the home movies of me going pee pee in a cowboy hat and holster.

Do you know the Olsen twins? / Intimately.

In fact, I remember when the three of us went to Palm Springs. We were all in a hot tub and --

Oh, Gracie, it's your bedtime, bedtime.

When's my bedtime? Want to tuck me in?

You know, you must be a very good actor because on the show you're so endearing.

I don't know why you hired him.

Well, well, well, I guess it just leaves me and you.

Not unless that head screws off and you can put on Jason Priestly's.

Right. Look how she just cuts him off at the knees,

from a lump of clay.

If you'll excuse me, Jack, I promised your parents I'd telephone that you arrived safely.

How you leave is another matter.

May I take your bags, sir? / Oh, thank you very much, my good man.

Here's a hundred. What do I call you?

Oh, just whistle.

All right. Come on, Damian --

I, I mean, Jack. I'll show you around.

Yeah, I've been around, but I'll watch you walk. / Oh!

JACK:Sorry, just a reflection. / Yeah, so is.

How's your pudding, Miss Babcock? / It's delicious. Why?

Just as I thought. These expiration dates are meaningless.

How do you become a full-fledged moron by ?

What are you talking about? / Oh, that Walker kid, the eighth dwarf, Horny.

I love Johnny Walker -- I mean, Jack Daniels -- I mean, Jack Walker.

Ever since Rob Roy and Tom Collins left her, they've all been a blur.

I think he's the most obnoxious sexist brat.

He thinks that he can come here, look me up and down,

and pinch me just because he makes millions.

Well, he's got a good ten years before he can get away with that.

Who cares? Your job is to make him happy.

Not at the expense of my kids.

And I'll tell you that Jack Walker is making everyone miserable.

God bless Jack Walker.

This was the best day of my life.

Good call, Nanny Fine. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Fran, you should have seen it. People were hanging all over me.

I have finally found my calling in life, sucking up to a famous guy.

Oh, honey, you're underestimating yourself.

You don't need Jack Walker to be popular.

You got a trust fund that could choke a horse.

Do you think it would be okay if I grabbed a bite with Jack and some girls from school?

Oh, your first date.

I remember when I was your age. No, I don't. Oh, yeah, yeah, I do, I do.

You know, Alby Malcolm and I went home for burritos.

Don't do that.

Hi, Brighten / Hi, Brighten.

Hi, girls. I'm Fran, the nanny.

Cute bustier.

Would you excuse us?

Noooooo. / Oh, but, Fran.

Just what did you think you were going to do with an eighteen-year-old girl?

I was hoping to feel my way through the situation.

All right, I'll go to my room.

Heidi, go to his room. / Heidi, if you ever want to see the Alps again,

hit the road. You too, honey, yod-do-la-e-oo.

All right. We're going to have to lay down some ground rules here.

Oh, yeah? Who says I gotta listen to you?

Listen, Mister Pister, when you've got a house of your own,

you can do whatever you want, but as long as you're under my roof --

Ma, stop throwing your voice.

If you don't lay off me, I'm going to call my agent; I'm going to get you fired.

Good. What do you think? I'm scared of a little bald man with a cigar?

Oh, yeah? My agent happens to be ,

six-two, with a mansion in Beverly Hills and a Porche.

Oh, well, go ahead and call him. Better yet, I'll call him.

Give me his number and a little privacy because this is right up my alley.

I'm not happy.

You know, you think that you're such a big sh*t just because you're in show business?

Why don't you act like a normal kid?

You should be out riding your bicycle, torturing your sister, buying fake dooty.

Don't you even have any friends?

Sure, I do. My agent, my manager, my publicist.

Yes, little buddy.

Right on time. Here. Just for being you.

Love to love you, baby.

Name me one person that doesn't make a buck off of you besides your parents?

Well, actually, we're in litigation.

You're suing your own parents? How can you do that? / They're riping me off.

No, I mean how can you do that because my folks --

ah, they don't have any money.

You know, Niles, I've had it up to here with that kid. Either he goes or I do.

Well, let's see. For bringing him a glass of milk,

he gave me $ , for my birthday, you gave me a comb.

Mr. Sheffield, I have to talk to you.

Oh, no, Miss Fine. I want to talk to you.

Oh, if it's about the clogged Jacuzzi, I'm sorry,

but once my mother starts scrubbing with a loofa, it's like making snow in Lillehammer.

No, Miss Fine. I want to thank you for convincing me to hire Jack.

Maxwell, that was my idea.

What do I have to do to please anyone around this house?

Niles ...

But, sir, fish gotta swim.

Control yourself, man. / Oh, very well, sir.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. / Lemon?

Look, Miss Fine, his marquee value alone has the investors throwing money at me.

You wonderful woman you. Oh, I could just kiss you.

Well, how long's the kid going to be here, a week?

Mr. Sheffield? / Oh, let me get that for you, sir.

Thanks, old man. / Pleasure.

Here's my little "Oliver." Ha, ha.

Oh, please, sir, I want some more.

No, I haven't memorized all my lines yet.

Well, it's the first one. We're opening soon. / Hoo-hoo, tick-tock.

Yeah. That's what I want to talk to you about. I'm quitting show business.

You're quitting what? / I just want to be a normal kid, and I want out.

And out you shall be just as soon as "Oliver" finishes its three-year run.

No, now. I'm sorry.

Ohhhhh!

How can this happen?

Oh, I don't know. Probably some whacko putting ideas into his head.

Fran, I just wanted to thank you. / Oh, honey, there's no reason to thank me.

No, no, I wanted to thank you -- / Please, I just made you a sandwich.

If it wasn't for your advice -- / Honey, you're embarrassing me.

No. If it wasn't for your advice, I would have spent the rest of my life as an actor making other people rich.

Do you smell gas?

Nanny Fine, you're alone in the room with the kid for two minutes

and he wants to quit show business?

God, if only we could put her in a room with Tori Spelling.

I could k*ll you.

I could rip out your heart with my bare lands.

She doesn't have a key to the house, does she?

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, maybe it's all for the best.

No, it is not all for the best, Miss Fine.

It is not all for the best at all.

But you yourself said that the kid was a pain in the butt.

All right, Miss Fine. Let me see if you can follow this, huh?

Sky -- blue. Fire -- hot.

Actor -- pain in the butt.

You are going to rectify this situation. / Wow! That sounds painful.

Yes. Thanks to you, in eight weeks the curtain goes up on a six-foot,

-pound stage manager with a Mohawk singing "Consider Yourself One of Us."

Well, all right. What do you have in mind?

You're going to talk him back into the show. / Oh, but Mr. Sheffield ...

No butts, Miss Fine. You are going to march yourself upstairs,

put on something smashing, take him to the best restaurant in town,

and order the most expensive thing on the menu.

Well, all right, but I'm not taking the limo. / Oh, yes, you are.

sl*ve driver ...

But there is no way you're going to buy me a new dress.

Get out!

This close.

Right this way.

Oh, how's the fish?

Boy, I cannot believe who is sitting right over there.

Oh, you mean Jack Nickelson? Jack, Jack, over here. How you doing?

No, no, to the right, to the right.

Oh, you mean Whoopie? Whoopie, over here.

What's up? How you doing?

What are you blind? Behind me, behind me. It's Bob Barker.

Who?

Oh, sir, this table is definitely not going to work. I'm in a terrible draft.

Hello, I'm Fran. / Hello ... Bob Barker.

Oh, Bob Barker. I'm your biggest fan.

You know, I know that I'm wearing an animal print, but it's fake,

not these. These are real. I mean the dress.

I just want you to know everyone in my family has been spayed and neutered.

Their pets. Did I tell you I just love the "Price is Right"?

I was just getting the check. / Oh, wait, let me guess.

Pasta primavera, . ? / Higher.

Oh, I don't want to go over.

Excuse me.

Bye, Bob, my table's ready.

Oh, I can't believe you want to give all of this up.

Fran, I'm been schmoozing since I was two.

My first words were "I want to renegotiate."

My first words were "Can I take a bath if I wore it?"

Fran, I want you to know that you were right. I just want to be a regular kid.

Oh, honey, you can be a regular kid and still be a big star with an exciting life.

Or you can be the kid sitting at home watching TV

night after night neglecting his studies, getting fired from the bridal shop,

ending up being a nanny -- I'm getting sidetracked here.

But you said that you --/ Oh, forget about what I said. You've got a gift.

Do you think Einstein listened to his nanny when she said "Put down the books and comb your hair"?

Fran, I'm no Einstein. He wrote the theory of relatively.

I wrote "Hey! Yoe! Whoa!"

Oh, big deal. He said MC's a square. Well, Ed McMahan's been proving that for years.

Fran, is Mr. Sheffield going to hold me to my contract?

Well, I don't know, honey. I mean, I'm not a lawyer.

Maybe you should ask the people that you hired to sue your mommy and your daddy.

Fran, I can't do this anymore. / Oh, sweetie.

Ah, look, you know what? I'll talk to Mr. Sheffield. How's that?

Hey, Kippy ...

Your aspirin, sir.

Ssshhh ... You hear that sucking sound?

That's the investors pulling their money out of my show.

Oh, I too shall lament the loss of Mr. Walker.

He filled the house with tips ...

joy.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, I'm so proud of you. You're really doing the right thing.

Every kid deserves to have a normal childhood.

Excuse me. Brighten, if you throw darts at your Picasso one more time,

I'm taking it out of your room.

Oh, there he is. Be nice.

I am being nice, Miss Fine. If I weren't, you'd be going with him.

Oh, more of that British humor I've become so fond of.

Well, I guess I have everything. Hey, Brighten, see you, man.

Yeah, we'll see you. I could cry. I came this close to having a life.

No, you didn't. / Oh, Maggie, by the way, I called Jason Priestly for you.

You did? / Yeah, but he doesn't date women taller than him,

so maybe if you unscrewed your head ...

Don't go.

Hey, so long, Grace. Sorry we didn't get to know each other better.

That's okay. Fran and I went through all your luggage.

Sweetie, we were just playing midnight express.

Bye, Fran.

Oh, bye, honey. Have a good childhood. / Thanks.

Mr. Sheffield, thanks a lot for helping me get out of my contract.

Well, it was a pleasure, Jack, and all the very best of luck to you. / You too.

Safe trip, sir. / Thanks a lot, Niles.

Well, don't you feel good?

I feel poor. I feel good and poor.

Oh, God, we just got rid of that twerp and now he's on "Good Day New York."

What a life. The poor guy can't even go back to his childhood in privacy.

Hey! Yoe! Whoa! Jack Walker, America's favorite boy next door

has settled with the producers of "Royal Flush" for a staggering $ , a week ...

... providing he can get out of his Broadway contract.

In this reporter's opinion, you'd have to be a pretty big Broadway boob to let that happen.

This is Liz Smith.

Miss Fine?

And you said he couldn't act.

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