02x17 - The Will

[bunniefuu]

You know, the further back I go into
this family tree thing, the creepier it gets.

Did you know that Great Uncle Phillip
beheaded Great Aunt Isabell?

You know, the same thing happened
in my family, too.

It was a bad combination
of car sickness

and an electric sunroof.

Cousin Rupert, the first, married
his sister. Oh, now, that's creepy.

That was never proven.
It was just a rumor.

Meanwhile, I'm sure their kids
played one hell of a banjo.

Good morning. Oh, honey,
tell your father the good news.

Oh, yeah. There's four
great movies at the Cineplex.

No, honey. The other news.

We paid for one and snuck in free.

Sweetie, sweetie, tell your father
who's coming over after school.

Oh, yeah. I've got a new friend.

And does this friend exist
outside of your mind?

Brighten! Does she, sweetheart?

Of course she does.

Gracie has grown and matured since
I've been imparting my wisdom on her.

Honey, don't wipe your nose with
your hand. Use your sleeve.

Mr. Sheffield, the doctor called to
confirm your : appointment.

Thank you. And?

Happily married, not Jewish,
wears Bergenstans.

Why are you going to the doctor?
Is everything okay?

Just getting a physical
and a stress test.

Meanwhile, I've got a cousin --
Oh, God, she's got a cousin.

Shall I push your appointment
back an hour, sir?

All I'm saying is that you can
never be too careful.

My Cousin Reed, ,
worked out every day

-- no salt, no sugar -- walks out of
a health food store -- bam! Dead.

Heart att*ck? No. He gets hit by
a wheatgerm truck, you know.

And the moral of this story is?
Everything has to have a moral?

What am I? Mother goose?

I know something you don't know.

I'm not the least bit interested, Niles.

Nanny Fine is in the will.
What? How do you know?

Cleaning the extension phone.

Would you stop singing.

Am I in it? Fraid not.

Oh, that golddigger.

Well, she'll end up with nothing.
I'll contest it.

What's he leaving her?
The children.

He's leaving her the --

well, poor girl deserves to walk
away with something.

Oh, where's Mr. Sheffield?
He wanted to see me. Oh.

All right. Listen up.
I have pulled a major coup.

Oh, well, that will heal itself.

But for the next couple of days, sleep on
your side and wear boxer shorts.

I'll file that in the appropriate place.
Thank you, Miss Fine.

Anyway, back to what I was
actually talking about.

Doug Emerson is coming
to dinner tonight.

Oh, well, that was one schlepp down the
stairs I could have lived without.

Doug Emerson? I thought he would
never leave Andrew Lloyd Webber.

I didn't know they were together.
Maybe the schlepp was worth it.

Nanny Fine, Doug Emerson is
an investor,

and if you have nothing intelligent to --
listen to me, if. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Ohhhhh, well, if Doug's coming tonight,
I better go change.

And I thought she had to wait for
a full moon. Ahhhh ... haaaa ...

So, Mr. Sheffield, you wanted to
talk to me about something?

Miss Fine, Miss Fine, I have
an important proposal to make.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, a proposal?

Oh, boy, I'll never doubt
that Jean Dixon again.

What do I do first? Call my mother --

no, call the electrolysis.

Miss Fine, Miss Fine, this is very
difficult for me to say.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, you're really
throwing me through a loop here.

I mean, we're not even on
a first name basis.

Since you've been so wonderful
with the children,

I'd like to put it in the will that
you continue as their nanny

just in case something happens
to me. Ohhhhh ...

Well, Mr. Sheffield,
I'm really moved to tears.

But I don't want to talk
about wills. Toi-toi.

I could give that Jean Dixon
such a slap interest.

Honey, you're involved in
a dysfunctional relationship.

I know the kind. All his friends are
more important to him than you are.

He's selfish. You should
just dump him.

She can't. He's got all of
her stickers. Oh ...

I'm home.
Oh, "B" wait a second.

Come here and say hello to
your sister's friend Erica.

Hi, I'm Brighten.

Okay. So, um, I'm going
to go get a soda now.

Me too. He's a God.

Erica likes Brighten?
She really is on the rebound.

Oh, honey, to you he's an obnoxious brother,
but to other little girls,

he's pounds of pure studmuffin.

Euuuuu ...

Next thing you know,
she'll let him play with her pogs.

Well, look, if she's that fast
and loose with her pogs,

she's going to get a reputation.

Niles, pour me some more tea.

I want some more tea, Niles.

You are a butler, now buttle.

Would you like some tea, Miss Babcock?

You know damn well I want some more tea,
you imbecile. Now pour.

Cee Cee!
Maxwell?

Don't speak to Niles like that.
The poor man isn't a mind reader.

But Maxwell ...
Oh, it's all right, sir.

Perhaps my hearing isn't what
it once was. Forgive me.

So, Niles, about dinner tonight --
Oh, I've outdone myself for your new investor, sir.

Gorgenzola salad, stuffed pork shops,
potatoes au gratin.

No. No. No. It seems Mr. Emerson
is recovering from a bypass.

His doctor FAXed over his American
Heart Association Diet.

It's got to be followed to
the letter, I'm afraid.

Oh, something smells good.
What is it?

Oh, nothing, just a chocolate souffle that's
been rising. Don't need that.

Niles, come help me pick out a tie,
would you, old man? Yes, sir.

I've got minutes. Why don't
I just knit you a new suit?

I think it's sweet. He wants to make sure you'll
still be his nanny even after he croaks.

Val, toi-toi.

He just wants to draw up some papers,
make everything legal.

Why? What's he afraid of.
Oh, I don't know,

something about his relatives
contesting the will,

saying that he was insane
at the time that he hired me.

What's this? What's what?

It says "American Heart Association
Coronary Care menu."

What? Give me that.

Oh, my God. Val ...

First, the doctor, then the will?
Now this.

What are you getting at?
Why didn't he say something?

What? What?
Val, I'm going to be a widow.

Honey, you're jumping to conclusions.

Oh, oh, Niles, Niles, do you
know anything about this?

Yes. And if I don't follow it to the letter,
Mr. Sheffield's going to have a coronary.

Fran, I'm so upset.
Oh, honey, I know. Be brave.

Look at the size of this zit.
Zit?

Do you have any cover-up in your purse?
Oh, sure, honey.

I've got -- I'll do --
I'll fix --

Nothing's going to harm you,
not while I'm around.

Oh, honey, what are you doing here
all by yourself? Where'd Erica go?

I don't know. But Brighten's
in the bathroom.

She probably followed him in there.

Oh, sweetie, now don't exaggerate.

Get out!

It's not fair. She's supposed
to be my friend.

Honey, an adorable brother could be
a ticket to popularity.

Look at Shirley MacLane
and Warren Beatty.

Do you think that if he wasn't her brother
she would have a date in any life?

Come on, have I ever steered you wrong?
What about that home perm?

Meanwhile, you were quick to grab the prize
at the Howie Mandel look-alike contest.

Erica, get away from that door.
Brighten's going to be in there a while.

The brassiere section from my Penney's
catalogue is missing.

Hey, Erica, you want to go upstairs?
I'll let you use Brighten's tooth brush. Cool.

Can you believe she followed
me into the bathroom?

Meanwhile, did you put
the seat down because

Miss Babcock fell in again.

It wasn't me. I don't know
who keeps leaving it up.

Brighten, you're not taking advantage
of this situation.

You've got a girl who worships and adores you.
Honey, you gotta do the right thing.

What? Make her your sl*ve.

Cool.

Niles, there's a messenger coming
to pick this up in a few minutes.

No! Are you insane? It's all right.
I've got it.

Let go. No, I've got it.
Let go. All right. Ohhhhhh ...

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Are you okay?

Well, Miss Fine, while I'm waiting
for the throbbing to subside,

have you given any further thought to
that little matter we discussed?

Is it that urgent?
Well, I'd certainly rest easier.

Oh, look, he's stopping to smell the roses.

Oh, Val, thanks for coming back.
I hope it wasn't too much trouble.

Please, how hard is it to wait for two trains,
a bus, and cut through Central Park at night?

Oh, cause you know I'm just so beside myself with
this whole Mr. Sheffield dropping dead situation.

Tea? Sure?

I mean, why is he even having this dinner
party? He's in such denial.

And, you know, they're going to ship me and
the kids off to his sister's in England.

England? With all that rain? What are you
going to do there? You know you friz.

Oh, my God.
Now you know how upset I am.

I didn't even think about my hair.

What am I going to do in England? I'm gonna
have to learn a whole 'nother language.

Besides, the truth be told, the kids
are much closer to my side, than his.

They may look British,
but they think yes, Yiddish.

Have you thought about
the funeral arrangements?

Oh, I forgot about that.

Now I'm going to have
to figure out flowers, food ...

how he wants to spend the hereafter?

You know, we put Uncle Louie
in a gorgeous urn.

Maybe we should stick him in that?
Where'd Uncle Louie go?

Oh, my mother took a couple of Dexatrim one day

and got on to a real cleaning jag.

P.S., Uncle Louie's spending
eternity in a Dirt Devil.

Well, if you need a place for the funeral,
my Cousin Gino just redid his parlor.

He bought out the Chinese restaurant next door.

I don't know, Val. A funeral
in a Chinese restaurant?

What happens? You cry your eyes out, and
an hour later you want to grieve again.

Ha, ha, ha, ha. Franny ...

Stop it. Stop it. No, it's not nice.
Poo-poo, poo-poo. Poo-poo, poo-poo.

Oh, but it feels good to laugh.
I needed that release.

Miss Fine Oh, hello again,
Miss Tortello, long time no see.

Miss Fine, could you give me
a hand with this cuff link?

Mr. Sheffied, could I ask you
a couple of questions? Uh-huh.

If you were, let's say, taking
a nap on the couch

where people might, oh -- I don't know --
line up to see you,

would you be more comfortable in a suit or
something sporty or, let's say, waterproof?

What is this? Another "Cosmo" quiz?

I promise, it's the last one
you'll ever have to take.

Oh, that must be my investor.
All right. How do I look?

You look great, just great.

Doesn't he? Ahhhhhh, boy.

Oh, he's at death's door.
Oh, I gotta be strong.

Franny, my heart goes out to you.
What are you going to do?

What can I do? I'm just gonna have to be my usual
charming effervescent life of the party.

Sorry, Doug, you'll have to excuse us.
This isn't a typical evening.

Yes. You're not home alone sitting
on your foot massager watching "Sisters."

So, so tell me, Doug, what's the real story behind
Faye Dunaway in "Sunset Boulevard," huh?

All I know is I have the distinction of being
the only person who ever

lost money with Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber.

You do know that he's been knighted,
don't you? Oh, he do.

You know, everyone in the Sheffield family
tree has a title of Sir or Lord in their name,

except for Dad and Uncle Bill,
who thinks he's a leprechaun.

Thank you, Margaret.

Mr. Sheffield, butter?
No, I already have some.
Thank you, Miss Fine!

You're not going to eat that,
are you? Why not?

Ah, because it just fell on the floor.

Sour cream for your potato, sir?
Yes -- No.

May I have that, please.

Oh, my God, fire. What?

Oh, my mistake.
I must be hallucinating.

Niles, what kind of mushrooms
did you put in that soup?

Miss Fine, will you pass
me the salt, please.

I think we're all out. No. It's,
it's right there in front of your face.

Oh, all right. Here you go.

Miss Fine, perhaps I didn't make myself clear.
Please pass the blasted salt.

Thank you. So, Doug, Andrew's
loss is our gain, huh?

Here's to a long and fruit --

Miss Fine, what are you doing?
Oh, it's okay. It's blow fish.

I'm just cooling it off for you.

Well, don't. Well, fine.

Burn your mouth,
but quit hogging the salt. Here.

Oh, thank you. Everything is so delicious.
I don't eat like this normally.

Um, I'd -- I'd like to make a toast.
What a good idea.

Hollendaise?
Oh, yes, please.

May we sweep the Tony Awards
and enjoy a tenth year --

Have you lost your mind?
What are you doing?

Well, egg is such a good ...

It's such a good moisturizer, and
my hands have been so dry lately.

Miss Fine, could I -- could I have
a little word with you?

Sure. Go ahead.

In the kitchen, please.

I just have to show him where
the toothpicks are.

What have I ever done to you?
Why are you trying to destroy me?

Me? I think you're doing a pretty good job
of that yourself, Sir Hollendaise.

You know, when you first came to this house,
I thought, oh, she's nuts.

But then we began making progress.

I, I actually thought I was beginning to see
the light at the end of the tunnel.

Don't go towards the light.

You're actually insane.

Have those chemicals you use to color
your hair finally seeped into your brain?

I don't color my hair. I just put on
a layer of dark highlights.

I'm calling a doctor. Why? Are you okay?
Don't you feel all right?

You're scaring me. Mr. Sheffield, don't be scared.

I'll never leave you.
Now you're terrifying me.

Why can't you follow the menu from your cardiologist?
You know, you're just like my mother.

She thinks that if she has an M & M with a glass
of water, it's like taking a One-a-Day.

Miss Fine, this is Emerson's diet.
I'm in perfect health.

The only coronary I'm going to get
around here is over you.

So you're not gonna to die?
Oh, Mr. Sheffield,

oh,because, you know, I don't know where
any of the policies are.

I don't want to go through
your drawers and find out

that you've been keeping another nanny
on the side all these -- huh?

You know, strange though it might seem,
this is actually beginning to make sense to me.

I'll just go in there and tell him
you're off your medication.

You know, it's really kind of funny when
you think about it. What?

Well, you know, Emerson, you're saying is
the guy with the heart condition. Yeah.

But, meanwhile, I've been putting all of
your sauce and butter and cream on his plate.

You know, Miss Fine. There are many ways
a producer can lose a potential backer.

He may dislike the show, hate the casting,

but death by nanny may actually be a first.

Well, he's not dead yet.

Believe me, if there was anything that
I can do to trade places with him,

I wish I was lying in that bed
with tubes coming out of me --

although I didn't force
the food down his throat.

It's all right. We've nothing
to worry about. Oh ...

You spoke to the doctor?
No. The bank. The checked cleared.

Maxwell Sheffield? Yes, yes, yes yes
-- how -- how is Mr. Emerson?

Absolutely fine. Just a severe
case of gastro indigestion.

Must be something he ate.
Well, not necessarily. Stress could do it to you too.

My friend Val used to sing the National
Anthem at assembly solo.

She would get so stressed out --

well, when she got to the part
the "bombs bursting in air,"

let's just say she didn't
need a tympany.

All right, Miss Fine. Let's go home.

You know, life is so strange.

One minute you're eating dinner; the next
minute, you're fighting for your life.

I'll tell you, it's like
Shakespeare once said,

"Like sands through the hour glass,
so are the days of our lives."

Well, Miss Fine, let's go back, see the children,
let them know everything's all right.

You know, I love those kids so much

that as soon as we get home,
I want to sign that will.

But what happens to them if I go first?

Then I get to keep them.

You see, Miss Fine, they are my children.

But what if I'm the one --
No, no. I promise, I'm going first.

There. Signed, sealed, and delivered.

Now take it away. I never want
to see that will again.

Were our names mentioned anywhere else?
Let me see that will again.

I just want to make sure that
I dotted my "i."

Nope, no, no. Little smiley face
and everything. Uh-huh.

No matter.
I'm taking the silver anyway.

Look at that, you've got a wall safe
just like in the movies.

Boy, I've been here over a year,
and I never knew that was there.

Let's see, right ...

left ...

right -- what was it?

Forty two, right.

Well, good news, "B," that little Erica
made up with her old boyfriend.

She didn't want to give up half her Barbie
Dream House in the settlement.

Oh ...
Right. Yeah.

It's so pathetic. This geeky little kid
drooling all over you. Well, you know ...

Hi, Fran.
Hi, honey.

This is my friend Pamela.
Hi, sweetie.

Hi.

Brighten ...
Ohhhhh ...