02x21 - Close Shave

[bunniefuu]

Oh, Miss Fine, is it that time
of the month again?

Oh, I'm afraid so, Niles.

Time to make my credit card payments.

Oh, thank God I've got a system.

No, you don't. I'm tapped.
Not you.

I have to pay my American Express because
if I buy a piece of gum,
the SWAT team storms the building.

Meanwhile, I pay my Master
card with my Discover card,

my Discover card with my Optimer,

my Optimer card with my City Trust Visa.

But doesn't that leave a very
high balance on your Visa?

Exactly. And that's why they
give me an expresso machine,

which I sell to pay
my American Express. Thank you.

Miss Fine, you should be
President of Mexico.

Daddy, I need some money.
Oh, of course, sweetheart. Here you are.

Oh, boy, you're lucky.
My father was never so generous with me,

unless he was asleep and his pants
were hanging on the back of a chair.

Fran, it's only $ .
Only $ .

Do you know how many kids Sally
Struthers could feed for $ ?

Although, have you seen her lately?
Do we really think she's feeding anyone else?

Well, you know, Margaret,
Miss Fine does have a valid point.

I gave you $ just yesterday.
Now what did you do with it?

I spent it on clothes for school.

Oh, well, there you are.
You see, she spent it on clothes for school --

don't you have a uniform?

Dad, don't be mean.
I love you so much.

All right. But this is the last time.

Oy ...
What?

Well, you know, I don't want
to derail the gravy train,

but don't you think it's time
that the kid got a job?

Okay. I'll get a job.
I'll go work at the Gap.

Wait a minute. Isn't that where
your boyfriend Peter works?

Oh, is it?

Honey, honey, let me handle this.
You're opening up a whole Endora's box over here.

Mr. Sheffield, all I'm saying is that
I think a job would teach her responsibility.

Yeah, well, I'm all for that.
I just think she may be too
young to start working.

Well, you're not doing her any favors
by handing her everything on a silver platter.

Thank you, Niles.

I don't know, Miss Fine. I just don't
feel right about Margaret taking a job

away from someone who
could really use the money.

Well, okay. Ah, have her
do volunteer work.

Yeah, I can do volunteer -- what?

You mean work and not get paid?

Why do I have to work in the first
place? I thought we were rich.

No, no, no, no. I'm rich.

You won't be rich until I'm dead.

Ah, don't go there, Mr. Sheffield.

I have the feeling Mr. Menendez
used that logic on Lyle and Eric.

Sorry I'm late, Maxwell.
My cooking class ran over.

Taste this. Taste it.

Ummm ...

Oh, let me give you
a tortilla for dipping.

Oh ...

Well, go on. Dip.

Knock-knock.
Oh, Miss Fine, come in.

Guess who got a new job.

Hallelujah, Nanny Fine.

Don't even give two weeks notice.
Girl, you just go go go.

And as a token of my appreciation ...

Oh, Miss Babcock, it's gorgeous.

I don't know what to say.
Oh, yes, I do.

I'm not the one with
the new job. Maggie is.

Self-winding.

Well, Maggie's going to be a candy
striper at Bellmont Hospital.

I got her the gig through this
doctor I once broke up with.

You broke up with a doctor?

Uh-huh. A very successful
anethesiologist.

But when I went out with him,
I didn't feel anything.

Miss -- Miss Fine, do you really think
Margaret's responsible enough
to be working in a hospital?

Oh, what's the worse that could happen?
She'll forget to bring someone their Jell-O snack?

See that aquarium?

What aquarium? There's no fish in there.

Yeah. Margaret forgot to bring
them their Jell-O snacks.

Well, this is different.

This job is going to help
build her character.

She's going to wake up every morning
with a purpose -- to help people,

to marry a doctor, to move to Great
Neck, to drive a Caddy SDS

with a North Star engine and make her
cousin Martha so jealous.

Oh, sorry. I'm back.

Oh, Miss Babcock, is your dog here?

Chester? He's not here. Oh, well,
then, what's with the Cycle ?

I made that in cooking class, Nanny Fine,

who knows nothing about ode cuisine.

Well, I know when food's supposed to be
served in a bowl with a name on it. Huh.

Oh, honey, this job is going to
just do wonders for you.

And besides, it's really good
karma to help people in need.

Oh, just look at that woman over there.

Let's go over and cheer
her up a little bit.

Hi ... You know,
things can't be that bad.

And when you look good,

you feel good.

There ... Oh, she's going to feel
much better about herself now.

Oh, excuse me. I need a doctor.

What are your symptoms?
I'm and single. Ha, ha, ha.

Oh, that's funny. .

Anyway, this is Maggie Sheffield.
Your new candy striper.

Hi.

Now, Maggie, this is a hospital and
things can get pretty rough around here.

Are you sure you're up for this?
Excuse me for a moment.

Fran, I don't know.
Maybe Dad was right.

Oh, No. , don't ever
say that again.

No. , we prepared for this.
How many Rescue 's did we watch?

I know. But this is real. That's fake.

Honey, is not fake.
It's a reenactment of an actual event.

Only with better looking people.

Oh, now, don't get nervous.
That's just a needle.

I know.

Don't let it get to you.
I won't.

You okay?

Yeah.
Good. See ya.

Fran?

Oh, Peter, this job gets
more amazing every day.

Make that pouty face.

Peter, I'm serious.
This lady came out of surgery,

and I was there when
she opened her eyes.

Oh, you should have seen her face when
I said her thighs already look smaller.

Maggie,

what's the number of that
pizza place that delivers?

No, no, not that one.

The one on th. Oh, never mind.
I'll look it up.

Oh, what do you want on it.

Oh, can't we split the diff?
Can't we do half pepperoni,
half Canadian bacon?

What do you want, Brighten?

Put me down for a calzone.

Brighten ...

Oh hi, Mr. Sheffield. How was
your dinner at Miss Babcock's.
What'd she serve?

Well, I'm not quite sure,

but I have a feeling I'll be tasting
it again later this evening.

Well, judging by the hour, you must
have liked it well enough to have
stayed for seconds.

What's wrong with him?

Well, you know, you come home
smelling of another chef's cooking.

You got sauce on your collar.
I mean, he's not stupid.

Miss Fine, do you happen to have
anything for an upset stomach?

Oh, of course. Let me go see here.

I've got Gas X, Rolaids, Mylanta --

mint and the new cherry flavor.
Are you -- are you gassy or just bloated?

I'd like to keep some mystery between us.
Why don't you just surprise me ...

Thank you.

I see Peter and Margaret
haven't left the couch.

Don't worry.
I've been in the room all night.

Fran, Fran, hurry up.
The commercial's over.

Honey, you're having a nightmare.
Go back to bed.

Good evening, Mr. Sheffield.
Oh, hello, Peter.

It's a lovely shade of lip
gloss you're wearing.

Thank you, sir.

Meanwhile, have you asked your
daughter how's the hospital --

five days in a row, never late.

And you'll never hear out of
my mouth, "I told you so."

Oh, tell him about the lady who
just came back from the Amazon.

Oh, my gosh, this weird bug laid
eggs in this lady's cheek,

and they started to hatch.
Ohhhh ...

Excuse me.
Oh ...

Why doesn't anyone want
to hear about my job?

I can't wait to get back to
the hospital tomorrow night.

But I got us tickets to Meat Puppets.
Hey, it's not like they're paying me.

Look, I'm sure I can find somebody
to fill in for me. But who?

Call you later.

Good night, Peter. Bye-bye.

Ah, Fran, I need a favor.

Um, how should I put this.

Ah, imagine if you were young ...

Honey, don't get creative.

Just tell me.

I can't work tomorrow night because
Peter asked me to a concert,

but I'm going to get somebody
I really trust to cover for me.

Oh, well, if you've got somebody
you really trust -- oh, no.

Oh, come on, Fran.
It's our eight-week anniversary.

Eight. Already?
What is that? Lint?

Honey, nobody is going to believe
that I'm a candy striper.

Fran, you could pass for .

? No way.

, maybe.

But I'm supposed to be teaching
you responsibility.

Fran, don't be mean.

I love you so much.

Honey, that only works
on your father. Please ...

Oh, all right, but just this one time.
Oh, thank you so much, Fran.

Now I know that you told him that
I wouldn't flake out,
so we don't have to tell him.

Oh, no. Don't start lying
to your father now.

Save that for when you come home
wearing your shirt inside out.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, I gotta talk to you.

No. No, Miss Fine. Me first.

I want to tell you what a wonderful
job you've done with Margaret.

You know, I've been trying for years
to teach that child responsibility.

And you waltz in the front door
and accomplish it just like that.

Well, you're a remarkable young woman.

What are you going to do next?

Ah, I'm going to Disneyland.

Hey, Fran. Nobody's sneaking
out of the house.

Brighten, why aren't you eating in front of
the TV in the living room like a normal kid?

Niles would have a fit.

You know, we spend thousands of
dollars to Skotchguard the furniture,

and everybody's afraid to see
if it works. Come on.

Good-bye.

Rum-pum-pum.

Oh, hi, Niles. You know,
I'm glad you're here

because Brighten is eating in the living room

What time do you have to be
at the hospital?

: . And I'm already --
oh, how'd you know?

Well, let's see, at : ,

Peter's white Chevy Blazer
parked outside.

: , I hear a thump --

Miss Margaret sneaking past my door.
I found this.

: , a plaintive wail from
the neighbor's schnauzer.

Oh, here's some
late-breaking evidence.

A candy striper uniform on my ham.

Thank you, F. Lee Butler.

Mr. Sheffield still sick?
Yes. Lucky you.

Oh, Niles, I would never wish the man ill
just so that I could sneak out of the --

Niles.
Oh, man, what's he doing up?

Niles, Miss Babcock and I -- oh ...

Miss Babcock -- um ...

Miss Babcock -- oh ...

Yes, I know the feeling, sir.

He's trying to say we have
to go out to a meeting.

Oh, very good, sir.
So then Miss Babcook -- forgive me ...

Babcock -- won't be poisoning
you this evening?

Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha.
You know what I think, Niles?

I think you're jealous. You know why
he doesn't come home for dinner?

You don't keep it interesting.
For years, it's the same old recipes.

Let's face it, Niles,
you let yourself go.

He's bored.

Oh, don't listen to her.

I bet when he's eating her coq au vin,
he's fantasizing about yours.

Well, I'm not worried. Do you think
this is the first time he's strayed?

But he's always home for breakfast.

Maxwell!

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, I'm --
I'm really concerned about you.

You don't look well at all.
Really? Maybe I should stay home.

What am I, a doctor? Go. Go.

Okay. I need a candy striper
to stay an extra hour.

You. You don't look like
you have a curfew.

Do you think that's
appropriate for work?

Works for him.

Take these to the
linen supply room.

Hello?

Ma, how did you find me here?

Well, what's the emergency?

Ma, Mike Douglas isn't on Channel
because they canceled him years ago.

Would you spring for a new TV Guide.

Don't worry. It's just his appendix.

It's a very routine operation.
You're going to be fine, Mr. Sheffield.

Now, you just relax.
I promise no more pain until you get my bill.

Okay. Pleasant dreams.

He'll be back in the room
in a couple of hours.

Are you the wife?

Yes.

Nurse, help me prep for surgery.

Okay. You look good.

You're a doctor. You can do it.

Not me. The patient.

Miss Fine ...

Oh, yeah, you're fine.
I'm fine. We're all fine.

Shave him.

All right ...

You're the doctor.

What are you doing?

Well, I have no idea.

I mean, the man has
a slight five o'clock shadow,

but it's not like he's
going to a bar mitzvah.

Shave him for surgery.

Well, where do you want me
to shave him -- oh!

You know, I'll be back in a minute.
I have a girl that does a bikini wax.

Now!

Oh, all right.

Bucking for a raise?

Oh, Fran, the hospital was
awesome today. Really?

There was this one guy with his eyeball
just hanging by a bloody vein.

Miss Fine
Oh, hi, Mr. Sheffield.

Nice to see you up and around.
Thank you.

Oh, Dad, your color's looking
really good. I'll just take your pulse.

Oh, my God! What?

Peter's picking me up
in ten minutes.

Well, even Dr. Quinn's got a mountain man.

You know, Miss Fine, I had the oddest dream
when I was going under the anesthetic.

Oh, really?

Yes. I was married to C.C.

And you -- you -- you were my nurse.

Yeah, that's the dr*gs.

Um, you know, when my mother
had her hysterectomy,

she was convinced that
the operation was on " Minutes."

Yeah. Why Mike Wallace would devote a whole
segment to her uterus, she never questioned.

Yeah, I suppose you're right.
dr*gs can play strange tricks on the mind.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Well, good night, Miss Fine.

Good night, Mr. Sheffield.

Miss Fine!

Brighten, how long
have you been there?

Since "Does this unhook in the front?"

Brighten, you liar.
You love torturing your sister, huh?

Yeah. Well, it's something to do
until I get my license. Yeah, yeah.

He has been out of control ever
since we scrambled the Playboy channel.