02x26 - Fran Gets Mugged

[bunniefuu]

I can't tell you how it feels to be loaning
an original page of Shakespeare's
notebook to the Metropolitan Museum.

Yes, sir. It's a piece of history
and very noble of you to share it.

Makes me look damned important,
doesn't it?

Shall I have the inseam let
out of your trousers?

Lending this to the fund raiser will
make us the hit of the social season.

Thank God your uncle croaked
and left it to you.

I mean, sorry for your loss.

I don't need glasses. Brighten,
so help me, if you keep this up,

I am going to drag you to Loeman's and
make you sit outside of the ladies dressing room

in the husband's chair with
my purse in your lap. Huh?

Is there a problem, Miss Fine?

Brighten doesn't want
to go pick up his glasses.

I can see fine.
Oh, Brighten, don't be so vain.

Meanwhile, these invitations are gorgeous.

Black guy, optional.

That's "black tie," Miss Fine.

Oh, well, I was gonna say ...

I don't want to wear some stupid
wire-rimmed, here-comes-Urkel glasses ...

which happen to look
excellent on you, dad.

Oh, don't make him wear glasses.

He's so short and underdeveloped.

I mean, aren't the braces enough?

I'll holder her down;
you tie her tube.

Brighten, you are going, and that's that.
There, your father has spoken.

But you said he doesn't know
what he's talking about half the --

No! This is the other half.
Go get dressed.

So, shall I get you the Town car?
Oh, no.

It's such a glorious day,
I figure we'll just walk.

Walk? In this city?
I'm wearing four-inch heels.

I can step over anything.
To me a wine-o is just a speed bump.

Maxwell, we have that meeting
at the museum. Oh, yes.

Oh, Miss Fine, while you're out, there's
a list of errands on my desk. Would you mind?

Oh, no, not at all. Although,
I don't know what we've got a butler for.

"Hamlet of Denmark?"

Why can't he just write
"a small Danish ham"?

"Montagu's Capulets?"
Well, is that regular or extra strength?

Oh, I guess it's whatever I want.
It says here, "as you like it."

Wow! Everything's
so clear now.

Uh-huh. You know, I really love
the way you look in your glasses.

You've got a whole Bill Hurt
thing happening.

You know, I'm seeing fine details I've
never seen before. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.

How old are you?

Take those off.
You look like Urkel.

Wow! Look at that thing.

Is that real?

You're acting like
you've never seen one before.

You've got one;
your father's got one.

Now, put it here.
Let me see how heavy it is.

First of all, Rollex has
two "L's" in it.

Please. What kind of
an idiot is gonna pay --

oh, bucks? I'll take one.
Here, here. Thanks.

Look at that, somebody left an entire
bucket of KFC right on the bench.

Oh, people are such pigs.

Oh, it's just the dark meat.

Give me your purse!
Ah! Ah! Ah! Oh!
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Are you okay?

Oh, my God, Brighten,
we've been mugged.

What do we do?
Ahhhhh!

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Well, at least we've got witnesses.
We've got witnesses.

Oy! Oy! Oy! Fran, Fran, Fran,
let's not worry. I can handle this.

Brighten, get up!

Oh, Brighten, I can't believe
this happened to us.

I don't know what do.
I can't even think straight.

Excuse me. Where's Bloomingdales?

Oh, well, go over to Lexington,
down to th.

And the frozen yogurt in the cafe
is not to be missed.

Hum, hum. I'll tell you,
if I wasn't just mugged, I'd join you.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Thank goodness you're all right.
All they got was your purse.

Oh, you know, it's just like they say,
even after it's gone, you can still feel it.

Now I have to replace
all my credit cards

and that driver's license with that fabulous
picture where I look just like Jacquelyn Smith.

Oh, man, if I ever see that creep again.

Oh, sweetie, don't go
calling him a creep.

Deep down inside there's
goodness in everyone.

Oh, my God. He's got
my Cadillac red lipstick.

It's discontinued.
I want that creep to fry.

Calm down, Miss Fine.
There's plenty of other red lipsticks.

No, never the same.
They out outlawed the dye.

Damn Food and Drug Administration.
What are they doing in cosmetics?

My mother wore it for years,
and her kids came out normal.

You see, I knew something
like this would happen.

Your wide-eyed naivete was bound
to get you in trouble sooner or later.

Don't call me naive.
That is so condescending of you.

And I only appear wide-eyed thanks
to my Maybelline ultra-lash,

which was in my purse.

Oh, that's the police.

The police? I -- you called the police?
I asked you not to call the police.

Well, I'm not gonna talk to them,
and you can't make me.

Did someone here get mugged?
Oh, I'm the victim.

Well, hi.
Hi.

I'm Det. Shoenfeld.
Oh, an NYPD Jew.

What were you doing walking through
the park, a beautiful woman like you?

That is so naive.
I know. It's my greatest downfall.

I just said the same bloody thing,
and she nearly bit my head off.

It's all in the delivery, sir.

Ah, detective, shouldn't you be
filling out some paperwork?

Are you the guy that
threw up and fainted?

No. He did.

How you doing, son? You okay?

Yes, sir.

Did either of you get
a good look at the guy?

No. We only saw him for a second.
He had a stocking on his head.

No Nonsense, sheer and silky,
misty toupe, sandal foot.

That's it? No, no.
He had a run over his left ear.

Thanks. That'll give me something
to go on. Oh, okay.

Now, make sure you lock your door.
Oh, yes, sir.

I gotta go because crime is
rampant in the streets.

Oh, gee, your wife must feel
so safe having you around.

I'm not married. Oy!

Oh, please, would you look at her,
swooning all over the place?

What? Just because he wears a badge?

Shall I fetch those little wings
the stewardess gave you, sir?

They were for Grace. Really?

Then what are they doing in your
jewelry box? Thank you, Niles.

A simple purse snatching turns deadly
tonight on a very special "Blossom."

Gracie, this is serious.
Fran hasn't gotten off that couch all day.

I better go talk to her.

Ohhhh!

On second thought, you go.

Fran ... Ahhhh!
Ahhhhh!

Ahhhhh! What is the matter?
I don't know. You scared me.

Okay.

Okay. Calm down. Calm down.

So the man has my address
and telephone number.

Lots of guys do. Do they ever call?

Ah, Fran, um, maybe I should
take Gracie to ballet today.

Good. Good idea.
Yeah, just this once.

Now, kids, don't think just
because I was mugged,

I'm going to be afraid to face
the world outside this door or anything.

Go! Go! Go! Stay low to the ground.
Serpentine, serpentine.

Ahhh! Watch out for that guy,
that scary guy. Oh, it's you, Niles, get in here.

Did anyone follow you?
Did you get the stuff?

Yes. Hair spray, breath spray,
and pepper spray.

Let's say we switch the labels
and give them to Miss Babcock.

Niles, I've been victimized.
I don't have time to watch you
t*rture Miss Babcock.

Take pictures.

Fran? What?

I feel terrible. I should have defended
you yesterday, but I totally wimped out.

Oh, sweetie, sweetie, listen,

all you did was pass out, puke,
and pee in your pants.

You were in Central Park.
You fit right in.

Ask yourself, punk, do you feel lucky?

What was all that about? Oh, the expert
is teaching Brighten how to repel a man.

Well, if you'll excuse me, sir,
I'll take your Shakespeare down to the framer.

I thought you already did that, Niles.

But it was right here. No one's been
in here except you and me, Cee Cee and --

Miss Fine! Oh, now, sir,
you're jumping to conclusions.

Why do you always blame --
Miss Fine!

I heard you the first time.

Miss Fine, Miss Fine, did you see a very
ancient document on this desk yesterday morning?

You mean Chita Rivera's resume?

It was my Shakespeare. It's missing,
and you were the last one in here.

All right. Don't panic.
Let's just retrace our steps.

Now, I came in with that whole
Brighten eye glasses issue,

and then you said, Miss Fine --
oh, no -- that was just now.

Anyway, Cee Cee said something stupid,
and then you nailed her with that

tube-tying zinger, which
I'm still laughing about. Ah-ha!

Thank you.

And yatta, yatta, yatta. You asked me
to run your errands. I walked over here

to pick up the list. "Brown shoe laces,
foot powder, Earl gray" -- ah-oh.

Ah-oh, what? Oh, please, tell me
Macbeth is something you eat with Mcfries.

You took the Shakespeare
instead of my list?

Please tell me it wasn't
in your purse.

It wasn't in my purse.

Are you lying?
Uh-huh.

I told you to take the bloody Town car.
Oh, but, oh, no, you had to walk.

That document lasted years
before it met you.

Oh, my God, what about the benefit?
Oh, I'm going to be humiliated.

Oh, now, calm down, calm down.
Maybe no one will show up.

Maxwell, it's a sell-out.
Look at this.

The princess of Wales is coming.

Diana? I love her. Oh, can I go?

Yes, Miss Fine. You can go and explain
to everyone why you're toothless.

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought it was
some fancy-smancy piece of stationery.

I spent two hours trying to find a pizza
place called "Two Gentlemen of Barona."

Shakespeare's gone.
It was in Miss Fine's stolen purse.

I'll k*ll you.

Sir ...

Sir, aren't you going to stop her?

Oh, I will.

So they found the perpetrator,
and Miss Fine is the only witness.

Stop! Stop! Stop! We need her alive.

Get dressed. You and I are going
down to the police station

to identify the suspect in a lineup
and hope to God he's still got my Shakespeare.

I don't want to identify him.
What if he comes back and tries to k*ll me?

Then he can stand in bloody line.

You care more about that stupid piece
of paper than you do about me.

Oh, no, Miss Fine, that --
that's not what I meant.

No, of course we care about you.
Get her, Niles.

Oh, no, I don't want to go.
You can't make me. Oh, Niles,

please, for my obituary picture,
use the green jump suit from Puerto Rico.

I was thin and tan and having
a terrific hair day.

Do you recognize any of them?

Can No. push his hair back?
Push your hair back, No. .

Now, you're talking.
Is that him?

No. But doesn't he look better?

Miss Fine, please concentrate.
Oh, all right. It's hard to tell.

He was wearing a stocking at the time.

Put on the stockings.

Oh, my God, it's him.
The Sheer Elegance, all-day beige,

between the control top
and the cotton crotch ...

No. !

It's No. .

Excuse me, detective, where
do we recover our property?

What?
Well, the items that were stolen.

Oh, this is your first time, isn't it?
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Hey, Jim, wait'll you hear this one.

My Shakespeare.
Oh, Mr. Sheffield, let it go.

It's like my grandmother always used to say.
"Life is like a box of chocolates."

That's from "Forrest Gump."

And they paid her nothing.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, cheer up.

Here, we'll watch a little TV.
That'll take your mind right off of Shakespeare.

Brush up your Shakespeare.

Now back to Severelli's
"Romeo and Juliette." Oh, no.

Oh, wait, wait. They were just
about to show Romeo's touche.

Miss Fine, please, get me somewhere else.

Mr. Sheffield, look on the bright side.

Instead of your paper,
it could be me that's missing.

Don't try to cheer me up.

You know, I've got half a mind --
Well, you've got no argument here.

Well ... So help me, Miss Fine,
if I don't get that Shakespeare back --

You know, you can't bully me,
Maxwell Sheffield.

I am not some weak woman -- Hiiii ...

Hi ... Look at her. The minute
he arrives, she gets so ...

Docile, sir?
Yes. How does he do that?

Fran, I don't want you to panic.
What? What?

We had to release him. He's going
to do community service.

Oh, what kind of justice is this?
He mugs me, and he walks?

That's the way the system works.
We lock 'em up; they let them out.

Meanwhile, I ate a couple of
bing cherries in the A & P,

and I'm rustled to the ground
like Squeaky Frome.

Look at you, you sweet little thing.
What you need is a man around the house.

All right. That's it. First of all,
there is a man around the house.

I'll lay out your pajamas, sir.
Would you like warm milk or cocoa?

Thank you, Niles. You're fired.

And, secondly, there is absolutely
nothing sweet about her.

Weren't you headed upstairs?
She happens to be brave, confident, and gutsy.

And you've turned her into
a simpering, whimpering child again.

Anyway, I don't like what you've done to her.

This is not the woman
I know and, and... know.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield. So, thank
you for stopping by, officer.

She'll be just fine. So why don't you
just run along and write some tickets. Huh?

Great. I'll start with the limo
parked out front in the red zone.

Go ahead. Do the ticket.
Do ten bloody tickets. I don't care?

I feel sorry for that poor
bloke whose limo it is.

Now, come on, Miss Fine,
when you fall off a horse,

it's very important that
you get right back on.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, that horse
analogy never worked with me.

If I fall off a horse,
I'm calling Jacoby & Meyers.

Meanwhile, that little talk Brighten had with
Miss Babcock seems to be working out well.

Are you talking to me?

Are you talking to me?

Yeah ...

Oh, my God, it's a mugger.
There's the mugger.

Miss Fine, Miss Fine, calm down.
That's not him.

Honestly, every corner we turn,
you think you've seen your assailant.

Well, that other one really
looked like him.

That was Yoko Ono.

Yoko Ono. Oh, I love the way she sings.

Ahhhhh! It's all right.
I know, I've got the album.

No. No. Ahhhh! The mugger,
the mugger, the mugger.

Oh, God, it's you. No. Don't be scared.

I'm not scared. This man is
an expert at Tai Babalonia.

That's -- that's tae kwon do,
Miss Fine. Oh.

I'm bad, I'd bad. Ahhhh!
Ahhhh! Oh, no, no, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I swear I've never stolen
anything before in my life.

I've been dying to tell you, but I'm not
allowed within feet of your house.

Why? Are you single and Jewish?

You see, I'm just down on my luck.
I can't pay my bills.

Well, get a job.
They repossessed my car.

Take a bus.
I had to move in with my mother.

Oh, give him a .

I don't know how to make it up to you,

but I thought I'd start by returning
something that looked really important.

Oh, my lipstick, my lipstick.

Oh, my God, my Shakespeare.

Say, if you're a Shakespeare fan,
there's a festival in New Jersey.

I'd be honored if you'd let me
treat you to two tickets.

I don't think so. Oh, Mr. Sheffield,
the kids are gonna be away all weekend at tennis camp,

and besides we would pass
by the Donna Karan Outlet Store in Secaucus.

You know what? We'll go
on Saturday, but not too close,

cause it's very talky, and they spit.

Bless you. Thank you.

Miss Fine, to borrow
from your vernacular.

I'm not schlepping out to New Jersey
just to relieve your mugger's conscience.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, forgive and forget.

Like my grandmother always says,
"All's well that ends well."

That's from Shakespeare, Miss Fine.

And, again, she got nothing.

Don't look, Miss Fine, but there's
a man in a French coat headed this way.

Oh, no, that guy's
just selling Rollexes.

You know, I should get one
for my father. Ah, come here.

Open up. Let me see what you got. Ohhhhh!

Oh, I'll tell you "Hamlet"
is my new favorite play --

people eating prime ribs with their hands;

everybody stabbing each other in the back.

I'll tell you, put "Felonious"
in a powder blue tux,

you got my cousin Claudine's wedding.

Oh, it's good to have you back,
Miss Fine. I missed you.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield,
is that you talking,

or is it that bottle of Don
Corlioni we had in the limo.

That's Dom Perignon, Miss Fine.
Oh, whatever.

Oh, Miss Fine ...

Fran ...

Mr. Max?

Oh, my God. We've been cleaned out.

What are the odds the one night
that we went to the theater?

I'd say the odds are pretty good when
the robber gives us the bloody tickets, Miss Fine.

Goodness in everyone, hey?
Well, at least he left the one
thing that can't be replaced.

Niles.
Oh, yeah, Niles.

Oh, oh, the alarm company called me.
I came as far fast as I could.

Oh, my God. I wonder
if he took the Monet.

You're right, my earrings.

Go ahead, Maxwell. See what's missing.
I'll untie Niles.

Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Thank you.