03x06 - Shopaholic

[bunniefuu]

These credit card companies
want to know everything.

Married or single.

Hate that box.

Mother's maiden name.

Kennedy.

Miss Fine, wasn't lying on

my gold card application enough?

Niles, I told you, I was just
trying to make you sound better.

By listing my occupation
as Frasier's brother?

Meanwhile, the guy won the Emmy.

They upped your limit.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Oh.

Fran...

Oh, my God, Val, something
horrible happened?

(FRAN GASPS)

- Oh, God, Fran, I'm so sorry.
- Oh!

Somebody d*ed? Somebody famous?

Danny.

Danny Thomas, Danny Kaye. Danny Bonaduce!

Oh, and he was so young!

Who would have thought that he
would have gone before Ruben Kincaid?

Fran, I'm talking about Danny Imperiali,

your ex-fiancé.

Oh, him. Well, when you
got to go, you got to go.

He didn't die.

He's getting married.

No! No! Danny, why?

Danny! Why Danny? Why not me first?

* She was working in a
bridal shop in Flushing, Queens

* 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out

* in one of those crushing scenes

* What was she to
do? Where was she to go?

* She was out on her fanny

* So over the bridge from
Flushing to the Sheffield's door

* She was there to sell
makeup, but the father saw more

* She had style! She
had flair! She was there!

* That's how she became the nanny!

* Who would have guessed
that the girl we've described

* was just exactly what
the doctor prescribed?

* Now the father finds her beguiling

* Watch out, C.C.!

* And the kids are actually smiling

* Such joie de vivre!

* She's the lady in red when
everybody else is wearing tan

* The flashy girl from Flushing

* The nanny named Fran!

NILES: So, anyway, you
didn't hear it from me,

but Fran starts guessing
Danny Thomas, Danny Kaye,

but Val meant Danny, her
ex-fiancé, who's worse than dead.

He got engaged.

You lie.

As if.

Niles, that is quite
enough gossip, thank you.

- Sorry, sir.
- So who's Danny marrying?

- Heather Biblo.
- No!

That tramp that stole
him away from Miss Fine?

Mmm-hmm.

But you didn't hear it from me.

Pass the cream.

Oy! I'm plotzing from this news.

Well, this is going to destroy Miss Fine.

Oh, look out. Here she
comes. Everyone act normal.

I should serve.

Good morning, everyone.

Beautiful day, isn't it?

Now, Miss Fine, we all know
what you're going through.

It's not healthy for you to
keep it all bottled up inside.

You've got to let it all out.

Niles, you had to tell everyone?

Meanwhile, if you're so
concerned about my problem,

how come I don't see any
stewed prunes on the table?

No, no, Miss Fine.

I'm talking about your
ex-fiancé marrying Heather Biblo.

Oh, that. I could care less.

Let somebody else comb the
tangles out of his back.

I'm telling you, it doesn't bother me.

Oh, come on, how long
have you people known me?

What's the first thing I do when I'm upset?

Eat a box of Mallomars.

Uh, rent The Way We Were.

Ah, blame your mother.

- Good answer. Good answer.
- Good answer. Good answer.

Well, you see, I haven't done anything

weird or bizarre or out of the ordinary.

Who ordered a power drill?

Ooh, that would be me.

Right over here.

Oh, yes.

I am definitely getting the
matching table saw for this baby.

Fran, if you're depressed,

buying things won't make you happy.

Oh, sweetie,

you're a very wise little girl, Gracie.

I'll buy you a toy.

Hey, if she's happy, I'm happy.

Miss Fine, what on earth are you
going to do with a power drill?

(WHIRRING) Oh, well,
I'll find some use for it.

Like what?

Uh, latte.

* My mama told me,
"You better shop around"

* Shop

* Ooh, yeah, you better shop around

* Shop, shop

* My mama told me,
"You better shop around"

* Shop

* Don't let the first one get you

* Oh, no, 'cause I don't
wanna see her with you

* Before you let him hold you tight

* Hey, yeah, make
sure she's all right *

FRAN: Okay, honey, there's one
more place we gotta check out.

Jersey.

Fran, I'm tired. I can't shop any more.

Oh, what are you, an amateur?

We haven't even hit Ann Taylor's,

Contempo Casuals or the Limited.

Hop on my back. Hop on my back.

Fran, you're scaring me.

You buy something every
time you mention his name.

- Whose name?
- Danny.

Oh, could I have this in mushroom, please?

Fran, I think you're upset
because Danny's engaged.

Oh, you are so off base, Gracie.

Oh, would you look at how
gorgeous this dress is!

I wish it came in black.

Oh!

(EXCLAIMING) Donna Karan
Lounge Wear, third floor.

Giorgio sale, on two.

Makeovers at our Prescriptives counter.

(EXCLAIMING)

Fran, I think you have a problem.

Oh, you're not kidding, honey.

Look at those animals over there.

They're all grabbing
at the fake Gucci belts.

Sweetie, work with me. Work with me.

Help, help, help! I had
shellfish, and I'm allergic.

Help! Help!

Grab the belts.

Help, help, help, help!

The suedes, the suedes.

Niles, what the devil are those things?

Brrr Animals freezer treats.

It's our hostess gift for
throwing the Tupperware party.

What? Here?

Yes. Didn't Miss Fine tell you?

No. Well, if she had, I
never would have agreed to it.

Then she made the right choice.

Anyway, Val is now selling
Tupperware, and I thought...

It's all right, Niles.
Just spare me the details.

All right. But it's about
Danny and Heather Biblo.

All right, Niles. Come on, dish.

Well, you didn't hear it from me,

but Heather wants Val
out of the bridal shop,

so Danny fired her.

- He didn't.
- He did.

- Danish ring?
- No. I'm watching.

Mmm.

Speaking of, Val gained back
the five pounds she lost.

Well, I was going to say...

Oh, no, sir, I would wait
until they thaw a bit.

Otherwise, they stick to your tongue.

Oh, these look yummy.

Have one.

Mmm.

(EXCLAIMING)

(MUMBLING)

Niles, what did she say?

I believe she just quit, sir.

(MUMBLING)

(EXCLAIMING)

C.C., I can't understand
a word you're saying.

She's very uncomfortable
in that dress, sir,

and should never have tried
to squeeze into a size .

She said that?

No. But isn't it obvious?

I'm gonna k*ll you.

Oh, all right, all right.

Just go outside and stick
your tongue out in the sun.

- Really?
- Mmm-hmm.

All right.

Niles, why didn't you tell her,

"Just put some hot water on it"?

Because it's not nearly as funny. Look.

Check this out.

Do I look like I'm ready
for the giant shalom or what?

That's slalom, Miss Fine.

And why did you buy a ski
outfit when you don't even ski?

What ski? If I even make it out of
the lodge in this, it's going back.

I got you some gifties.

- Oh, thank you.
- What's all this for?

Oh, you know, I was just out,

so I decided to pick up
a few little trinkets.

Fran, the man wants to know
where to put the Soloflex.

Oh, does... does he look like
the guy in the commercial?

- Uh-huh.
- I'll show him.

Daddy, I'm worried about Fran.

She's compensating for
feelings of inadequacy

by acting out with
obsessive-compulsive behavior.

Now, Gracie, you spend more
time in therapy than Daddy does,

so once again, small words.

She's nuts.

(LISPING) Maxwell, what
Gracie is trying to say

is that the woman's a shopaholic.

Sorry. Freezer burn.

- , right.

Expiration date?

My guess, any second.

Hello?

(MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)

Oh, come on in, Mr. Sheffield.

Wow! Would you look at the
way that steak just defrosted?

Boy, I gotta get me one of those.

Miss Fine, we're all a little concerned

that your shopping's got a bit out of hand.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

I only bought stuff that I absolutely
needed. Watch out for the saddle.

Miss Fine, look at all this junk!

You've got towel racks and a pasta maker,

a box of hair coloring.

Hair coloring? How did that get there?

I don't use that.

Miss Fine, this is serious.

You're a shopaholic.

Oh, no.

No, I'm not. I'm not.

I'm just a social shopper, you know,

once, twice a day just
to take the edge off.

Miss Fine, it's obvious to all
of us that you are in, uh...

Denial.

... denial.

Is there a history of
shopping in your family?

No, no. I mean, you know, my dad would,

after work, stop off and pick up
a couple of things with the boys.

Did you start shopping as a teenager?

Well, all the girls were doing it.

Do you have to make a purchase
first thing in the morning?

- Huh?
- Are holidays especially rough for you?

Do you hide your
purchases around the house?

No, no. It's not true, I tell you.

Miss Fine, you need help.

No, I don't. I don't.

I can stop whenever I want to.

It's just... I like it.

I mean, when I go to a department store

just filled with shiny new things,

it's like all my problems
go away and I'm flying.

Miss Fine, look at yourself.

Oh, my God!

Mr. Sheffield, you're right.

I bought coral lipstick!

I'm sick.

I'm sick. I need help.

Mr. Sheffield, maybe you better
send me to one of those clinics,

you know, where I could dry out.

Of course, I'm gonna
need a couple of things.

Brighton, what on earth are you doing

with a Victoria's Secret's catalog?

I'm just getting the jump
on some Christmas shopping.

Could I have her?

Give me that.

I'll throw that away for you, sir.

All right. Now listen, everyone.

Miss Fine will be back from her

Shoppers Anonymous meeting any second.

So let's have no more
talk of shopping. Okay?

Hi, everyone.

Oh, Niles, that's far too
much. Take half off, would you?

Oh!

Oh, no, no. It's okay.

I don't want anybody walking
on eggshells around me.

If I begin to falter,

I'll just say my little prayer.

God give me the serenity

to accept the things
that I cannot exchange...

Change!

That's all right, Miss Fine.

The important thing is
that you're getting help.

That's the first step on
the road to your recovery.

Well, actually, the first step,

according to my -step program,

is to apologize

because my addiction
has affected all of you.

So, sorry.

Okay. Well, that was easy.

You know, she's right.

Fran's always dragging me into stores,

making me buy whatever looked good on me.

That's not gonna stop, is it?

Margaret, you're not helping.

All right, Miss Fine,
what's step number two?

Uh...

It's... it's all smudgy. Let's
move on to step number three.

Oh, no. It's perfectly clear.

"Cut up all credit cards."

Oh, no. That can't be right.

It's too cruel.

I mean, they're like my kids.

See, this one's the
oldest. Gonna be in June.

You should have seen what this
little guy bought me for my birthday.

- Just give 'em up, Miss Fine.
- No, no.

Oh, please, just let me
keep the one with mileage.

I'm so close to Israel.

- Miss Fine.
- Oh.

(SOBBING)

Who goes first?

Oh, here. I'll take this one.

It just gives me gas.

Oh, I'm not gonna make
it. I'm not gonna make it.

It'll be all right, Miss Fine.

You're just going through withdrawal.

I need to buy something.

Oh, it hurts.

Oh, there she goes again, sir.

Oh, I just need one fix of the QVC...

- Oh, no.
- ... the QVC.

Joan Rivers' bumblebee
pin. That's all I need!

You hold her down, Niles. I've
got the credit card receipt.

Oh, oh, oh! That's it.

Bloomingdale's. That's the good stuff.

You'll be all right, Miss Fine.

I'll be with you tonight.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Sheffield.

Ah, well, when I say I'll be with you,

I mean, I'll stay with you.

I... I don't actually mean I'll be with you.

All right. You're not
good at moments, I see.

Sorry. I'm English.

Anyway, Mr. Sheffield, I
think that I'm over the hump.

You go on to bed. I'll
be up in a few minutes.

- Are you sure you'll be all right?
- Yeah. I'll be fine.

All right. Good night, Miss Fine.

Good night, Mr. Sheffield.

Don't trust her, sir. They get very sneaky.

They'll say or do anything for a fix.

Oh, please, Niles, we're
talking about Miss...

She stole my wallet!

- Miss Fine, do you have my credit cards?
- No.

Stay!

(GROWLING)

Give it to me. Give it
to me. Give it to me.

Give it to me. Give it to me.

Drop, drop, drop it.

That's a good girl.

(WHIMPERING)

Good. Good.

Yes. Yes.

(MOANING) Oh, I want it.

Give it to me.

Does it come in navy?

Miss Fine, wake up. Wake
up, Miss Fine. It's morning.

We did it.

We did?

I didn't even feel anything. Oh,
but you were great, Mr. Sheffield.

Oh, no, no. Miss Fine,

I mean you made it through the
night without buying anything.

Oh, I did.

And you know, they say that the
first hours are the hardest.

So now the worst is behind me.

All I have to do is avoid temptation.

Hi, Fran. I'm here to set
up for the Tupperware party.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, hold me. Hold me.

Oh, Fran, I'm so sorry...

Niles, is the Tupperware
invasion over yet? Huh?

Oh, sorry, sir. Just admiring my bag saver.

It's for storing old bags.

Here, Miss Babcock's always
wanted her own office.

Niles, just tell me, how
did Miss Fine hold up?

Oh, she was fine through the Jazzy
Tumblers and the RemarkaBowls,

when who should walk in but Heather Biblo?

- No.
- Yes.

- No.
- Yes.

And she is out to here.

- Preggers?
- Well, you didn't hear it from me.

Poor, Miss Fine. She must be devastated.

Well, you would have been
very proud of her, sir.

She gave me a big hug

and then went straight to her
Shoppers Anonymous meeting.

What?

Oh, very nice of her to give
you a big hug, wasn't it?

Oh, yes. I thought...

Oh, stop her, sir. I just cashed my check.

- Do you know where she went?
- Well, with what you pay me,

probably an outlet store in Jersey.

But you didn't hear that from me.

FEMALE ANNOUNCER ON PA: Shoppers, the
mall will be closing in minutes.

Oh, just one more pair of earrings.

Don't you think you've had enough?

Just a couple of hoops for the road, lady.

There you are, Miss Fine. I've
been looking for you for hours.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, go away.

I don't want you to see me like this.

Okay.

Miss Fine, this... this
shopping is purely symptomatic.

You're transferring your
feelings of loss for Danny

by trying to fill the void in
your life with... with things.

Have you been talking to Grace?

Yeah.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, it's
not about losing Danny.

It's about what it represents.

I mean, as long as he was a single
miserable loser, I was happy.

But now he's getting married.

He's gonna have a family.

And what have I got?

I mean, the years are passing me by,

, , ,

, .

(SCOFFING)

Miss Fine, your time will come.

You're a wonderful woman,

and any man would be thrilled to have you.

Well, I... I...

I don't mean exactly have you. I mean...

All right, all right. You're
not good at moments, I know.

Look, Miss Fine, I... I know
you want a family of your own,

but, well, in the meantime,

do you think you could settle

for three children who adore you

and a man whose life would
be very empty without you?

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, that's very sweet.

But even Danny, who is the
biggest schnook in the world,

has found someone to love.

What if that doesn't happen to me?

Don't you ever feel that way?

Yes, I...

I... Oh, I'm...

I'm terribly sorry, Miss Fine.

I... I really shouldn't have done that.

It's... it's just that
you were so... and I was...

and you were...

Where?

Where are you, Miss...
oh, my God, Miss Fine!

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, what are you doing here?

Are you all right?

Well, what happened?

What? You don't remember?

No.

Gee, I must have had one of
those shoppers' blackouts.

You know, a girl in our group

had one the day after Thanksgiving.

They found her buried in a
sales bin of Calvin Klein jeans,

the Loose Fit. How's that for humiliating?

Miss, I'm closing the register.

Would you like me to ring these up?

Oh, sure. If you don't
mind, just put them all in...

Oh, come to think of it...

Yeah, I don't think I want them any more.

Gee, I don't know what happened,

but whatever it was, it
was exactly what I needed.

You know, it's strange.

I think I'm over that whole shopping thing,

but suddenly I've got such
an urge for a cigarette.