03x11 - The Unkindest Cut

[bunniefuu]

Maxwell, I can't believe you
won't let me read your first novel.

I've never been so insulted in my life.

You've never been so insulted?

Well, now, I'm insulted.

C.C., my writing is very personal to me.

Look, if it makes you feel any better,

I can assure you no one has
read it, and no one ever will.

Here's your book, Mr. Sheffield.

I got a little Slim-Fast on page nine.

Miss Fine, this manuscript was in a folder

marked "Personal" in a file marked
"Private" hidden in my desk drawer.

Oh, I get you. I get you.

You don't want certain people reading it.

Miss Fine, that included you.

You're kidding?

Well, if you didn't
want anybody reading it,

you should have put it
in your secret wall safe.

You want me to open it up for you?

Get out.

All right. Okay. But I'm
telling you, this man is gifted.

Come back.

You really think so?

Oh, I was so engrossed in it.

Now, remember that script you asked me

to hand-deliver to Mandy Patinkin

before : ,

or he was gonna pass on your new play?

Didn't do it.

What? He's getting on a plane
for the coast in an hour.

Oh, well, do you want
me to rush and catch him,

because, you know, I can tell
you how great your book is later.

Oh, no, no, no. Sit, sit, sit. C.C. can go.

Maxwell. Oh, just give me the script.

I'll never get to the airport in an hour.

That's true, sir.

She needs at least two people on
her broom to use the express lane.

So, uh, Miss Fine, you were saying?

Well, I just loved the lead character.

You know, the rich, handsome movie producer

tragically widowed in
the prime of his life,

struggling to raise three
children all by himself

Oh, I don't know how you
come up with this stuff.

I just let my imagination run wild.

And my favorite was the
over-the-hill houseboy.

Hmm?

What a riot. Thinks he
should be king of the castle.

Every time the boss turns his back,

he's smoking his cigars
and drinking his brandy,

mumbling something under his breath.

Probably make another million.

Like he needs it.

Well, now that they're gone,

can we talk about the producer

and that sexy, gorgeous governess

he's got prancing around
in those short skirts.

Oh, I'll tell you,

they've got so much...

(GRUNTING)... between them.

- You like that, huh?
- Oh, baby.

And that wedding night after all
those years of sexual tension.

(EXCLAIMING)

Miss Fine, they don't get married.

Well, I'm just telling
you what the public wants.

* She was working in a
bridal shop in Flushing, Queens

* 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out

* in one of those crushing scenes

* What was she to
do? Where was she to go?

* She was out on her fanny

* So over the bridge from
Flushing to the Sheffield's door

* She was there to sell
makeup, but the father saw more

* She had style! She
had flair! She was there!

* That's how she became the nanny!

* Who would have guessed
that the girl we've described

* was just exactly what
the doctor prescribed?

* Now the father finds her beguiling

* Watch out, C.C.!

* And the kids are actually smiling

* Such joie de vivre!

* She's the lady in red when
everybody else is wearing tan

* The flashy girl from Flushing

* The nanny named Fran!

Wait a minute. Is this fat free,
sugar-free and artificially sweetened?

No. But I used an eight-inch
pan instead of a ten.

Close enough.

Spit that out.

She's like one of those
dope-sniffing dogs.

Fran, this is how you spend your day,

standing around the kitchen eating cake?

Thank you.

Fran, you're probably wondering
why I'm acting so strange.

Ma, you've been here for two seconds.

You yelled, you ate.

The only thing strange is that

you haven't showed me
a wedding announcement

from a girl I went to high school with.

It's in my purse.

Meanwhile, Cousin Susan's
kid is getting circumcised,

and she wants me to throw the bris party.

Well, you're the one that
wanted to have the apartment

professionally decorated.

Fran, it's too much for me.

I'm just gonna tell them
I'm having a hysterectomy.

You've already had four. Don't
you think someone's gonna get wise?

I only said that to your father's side.

Meanwhile, four times, not one card.

Oh, why don't you just tell them the
truth, that it's too much for you?

What are they gonna do?

Never invite me to their
place in Florida again.

I'll have to spend all my winters here.

Oh, Ma, we better look alive.

Now, the first thing we got to do

is find ourselves a Mohel.

Well, there's a doozy right there.

Not a mole. A Mohel.

That's the person that
performs the circumcision.

That's chocolate.

Thank you.

Fran, tell that little stain that
if he doesn't quit filming me,

he'll be able to turn that
thing off by pressing his navel.

Oh, yeah, like you're gonna
shove it down my throat.

Guess again.

B, why don't you do something
constructive with yourself?

Because I've got a trust
fund that kicks in at ,

and everything between
now and then is all filler.

That's terrible. You should be
thinking about college, career,

what retirement condo you're
gonna buy for your nanny in Boca.

Hey, if someone got me
some milk, it could happen.

B, you're gonna make something

out of yourself, mister.

Now you love that camera so much?

There you go. Why don't
you become a director?

You can move to Hollywood.

Hey, I'm not married to Boca.

I wouldn't mind living in Beverly Hills.

You know, I'm three hours younger there.

Oh, Ma, I've got a great idea.

Why don't we hire B to take
the videotape of the bris?

You're going to trust an
event like this to the boy?

Yes, I trust him completely.

He's a very mature, responsible young man,

and I think this would be
a great experience for him.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Fran, my future freeloading in Florida

depends on this party.

- There is no way that I am going to...
- He'll do it for a .

You're hired.

Sweetheart, I don't like to
be filmed when I'm eating.

Which is why there's more
footage of Bigfoot than her.

Ma, would you calm down? I'm on my way.

Oh, well, if you want
an honest answer, yes.

I think serving miniature franks
at a bris is tasteless, okay?

Miss... Miss Fine, do you really
think you should wear that?

You don't want to distract
the man doing the deed.

Oh, he's only got his mind on one thing.

Do you guys want to come?

(MUMBLING) No.

Brighton, come on!

Oh, he's upstairs in my
closet trying on ties.

He wanted to look right for his first job.

Oh, well, trust me, nobody in my
family is gonna look at him twice

unless he's wrapped in smoked turkey

with a toothpick shoved through him.

You know, Miss Fine, I'm very impressed

with the way you've gotten Brighton
off his duff and pushed him into this.

Well, you know, this is what I do.

I mean, I've been at it for years.

I thought this was your first nanny job.

What nanny? I'm talking
about being a yenta.

I mean, do I have great instincts or what?

You're the best.

And I do know when it's the right
time to give a guy a little push.

You're amazing.

So then, I was right to send
your book to a publisher?

You're fired.

Miss Fine, you knew perfectly well

I didn't want anyone to see that book.

Well, then, why did you let me read it?

Well, because I value your...
I didn't ask you to read it.

Will you just calm down?

You're beginning to pulsate over there.

You're very talented.

If I didn't push myself, I wouldn't have
a mansion, a butler, and a limousine.

Miss Fine, you don't have those things.

Look, I like to see the
glass half-full. Do you mind?

The bottom line is the book's great,

and you're a great writer.

(STAMMERING) Well, I suppose
there can't be any harm

in sending it to one publisher.

One, .

The point being, I was
right about Brighton,

and I'm right about you.

Brighton, come on! We're gonna
be late for the bris. Chop, chop!

FRAN: Gorgeous boy.

Beautiful boy.

Handsome boy.

Oh, is that the ugliest baby

you have ever seen in your life?

Please. I had to come
in here so I could eat.

If they were ever making a Mr.
Gefilte Fish Head, that's the model.

So, what do you think of my boy?

Beautiful. Beautiful.

Meanwhile, everything is just delicious.

What is this? Cost Club mustard?

How dare you?

Ma, it is Cost Club mustard.

But I put it in a Gray Poupon jar.

How the hell did she know?

What is she, a mustard tester?

I owe you? You owe me.

, Fiddler on the Roof.
I paid for the parking.

You remember that? Who
took three sips of my Coke?

- Franny.
- Yeah?

You let someone bring a mangy pet in here?

It's very unsanitary for the baby.

Yetta, that is the baby.

I guess I shouldn't have
given him that meatball that...

That fell on the floor?

Ma, don't you think

we should get this show
on the road already?

Morty, we're not waiting for halftime.

Get out here!

Okay, B, we're about to get started.

What are you doing?

BRIGHTON: I'm sh**ting the bris.

FRAN: That's brisket.

Don't you know what a bris is?

No.

Oh, well, fasten your lens
cap. You're about to find out.

sh**t the baby.

All right. I'm just here
to do whatever you...

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

You don't look so good.

B, are you okay?

BRIGHTON: I don't really think so.

B, B, are you okay?

Get up. You're gonna miss it.

There's no "Take two" in this.

(ALL CHEERING)

Oh, Miss Fine, the bris was a week ago.

The baby's gotten over it.
I should think you could.

Oh, but Brighton is humiliated.

My mother is barred from Boca.

None of the family is speaking to me.

Well, there's the silver lining.

Oh, B. B, please, cheer up.

Nobody cares that you didn't tape the bris.

Your cousin Susan spit on me.

Well, that's a Jewish blessing.

Why do you think we have
plastic on the furniture?

Just be glad Yetta didn't bless you,

'cause when her teeth sh**t
out, you can lose an eye.

Oh, Niles, God, I... I thought
it was such a great idea.

You know, I think the old
instincts are just gone.

Watch. The next thing I'll hear,

Mr. Sheffield's book isn't in any good.

MAXWELL: Miss Fine!

I guess the old instincts are back.

Niles, have you seen Miss Fine?

Um, sorry, sir. I think she's gone out.

Oh, what a shame, because here I am

standing with Barbra Streisand...

I love you! I love you!

What is the one thing

I asked you never to joke about?

Nice work, Miss Fine. My book
was rejected. They hated it.

Oh, I'm sure you're exaggerating.

They couldn't have hated it. "We hate it."

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Sheffield.
I don't know what's happening.

I'm making mistakes left and right.

I've lost my powers. Oh, no.

I'm like Aunt Clara on Bewitched.

Fran, did you send my videotape of the bris

to America's Wackiest Home Videos?

I quit. That's it.

I'm not fit to raise children any more.

I don't know what I'm doing.
I don't know anything any more.

I don't know anything.

Well, my tape got picked.

I knew it. I knew it.

Well, the best part is we all
get a free trip to Hollywood.

Oh, do you know what this means?

You and Ethel are gonna
steal John Wayne's footprints?

No, no. It means that
my instincts are back,

and I'm better than ever.

What about this?

Mr. Sheffield, I'm a nanny.

You hired me to take care of kids.

You're a grown man.

You want your problems solved,

get a wife.

* Out where they say

* Let us be gay

* I'm going Hollywood

* I'm ballyhoo

* Greetings to you

* I'm going Hollywood

Well, here we are back at Stage again.

You know, my people found
their way out of the desert

faster than you're gonna find Stage .

Can you please ask someone for directions?

Miss Fine, I have been in
show business my entire life.

I think I can find my way around a studio.

Okay. Do you want to
write it down this time?

It's complicated.

You go down there past
Stage and next to it,

what do you know, .

And surprise, is after that.

All right. No need to be so snide.

Really. You know, he's
a big-time producer.

Really?

What do you produce?

Broadway.

Theater? All right. Move on. Move on.

These things cost a buck fifty each.

Maybe I should just catch up
with you guys at Wackiest Videos.

I got to find myself a bathroom.

Oh, ah, well, there's
one of those right there.

Yeah, you go down to
wardrobe and make a right...

Or left?

(SCATTING)

♪ Bonanza

♪ Meanwhile, where do you pee?

♪ Gotta go, gotta go Gotta really go ♪

We don't want everyone to panic,
but this could be an epidemic.

Well, maybe we should move the children.

Pardon me.

WOMAN: Cut! Cut!

Oh, well, as long as you're stopped.

Oh, Dr. Quinn, I just love you so much.

I watch you every Saturday
night. Not that I don't date.

I mean, I can tape it if
someone would ask me out.

- Hi, I'm Fran Fine.
- I'm Joe Lando.

Excuse me. Excuse me, please, but we're...

we're... we're in the middle of something.

Honey, honey, you're only
married to him on the show.

When they yell "Cut," let it go.

Meanwhile, that coat is to die for.

Did you get that over at the mercantile?

Well, that's just a
storefront, a set. It's...

everything here is fake. It's...

Fake.

Oh, even the john in your clinic over here?

Mmm-hmm.

Fake.

I'm sorry. It looked real.

Oh, now I know how Tom Arnold felt.

Excuse me? Pardon me? Cute shoes.

- Where's everybody going?
- Miss Fine, where have you been?

You missed the entire show.

Oh, I wandered onto the Dr. Quinn lot.

Say, you know that meeting
that you were gonna have

- with Jane Seymour about that new play?
- Mmm-hmm.

Don't bring her to the house.

- So, what happened? Did B win?
- Uh, no.

Something called Meet the Dunson Twins won.

Oh, is Brighton crushed?

No. Meet the Dunson twins.

I love show business.

Oh, another happy ending.

Oh, you know, a lot of people told me

that I should move here
and get into movies.

Oh, what stopped you?

Talkies.

Oh, Maxwell, you're home.

Very funny.

You know, he's due back any moment.

So you'd better get out of his suit.

So the big, nosy butler just
couldn't wait to read Maxwell's book.

How pathetic.

For your information, this is not his book.

It's chapters one through five.

I've got six through ten.

- Oh, I'll trade you, trade you.
- Okay.

(EXCLAIMING)

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, you're home.

Oh, right.

Like I'm gonna fall for that?

(EXCLAIMING) I'm reading
Maxwell's stupid book.

- C.C.
- And it's great. It's good.

I tried to stop her, sir.

Look, I ripped half of it out of her hand.

Oh, I'm so glad to be home.

But I'll tell you, I'm
gonna miss that room service.

Niles, could you make me some
hot tea and turn down my bed?

I can't wait to show my class

the pretzels that Joey Lawrence

(SQUEALING) left on the plane.

Joey Lawrence wasn't on the plane.

Neither was my class.

(EXCLAIMING)

- I... I don't believe it.
- What? What?

Someone's going to publish my book.

(EXCLAIMING) Now you see,
I knew you had talent.

I hope you never doubt yourself again.

Well, I must say, Miss Fine,
this is a little thrilling.

I, uh... I suppose I do
owe you a bit of an apology.

Oh, please, please, all I'm happy about

is that everyone knows how good you are.

- Miss Fine?
- Yeah?

(SHUSHING) How much are you
paying to have his book published?

$ , .

Where are you getting the money?

I thought I'd ask you for it.

Old instincts are gone again.

Miss Fine, what if he finds out?

Oh, trust me, he's never gonna find out.

What? They enclosed a bill with the letter?

Miss Fine!