01x10 - Quarantine

[bunniefuu]

[DAVID] ♪ Turn the b*at around ♪

♪ Love to hear percussion ♪

♪ Flute player, play your flute ♪

♪ 'Cause I know that you
got to get your b*at on ♪

♪ And when the drummer
starts b*ating that b*at ♪

♪ With the syncopated rhythm going ♪

♪ Tat, tat, tat, tat, tat,
tat on the drum ♪

You know, I'm just gonna
give 'em a call. This is stupid.

: a.m. meeting.

Be here on time. Don't
even have a commute.

Please be wearing a shirt.

Oh, hey, Dave.

Are you serious? What are
you doing in a hot tub?

I'm sorry, I can't hear
you. I'm in a hot tub.

Yeah, I know that... Just...
Just turn down the jets.

Otherwise you're not going
to be able to hear me.

I'm just gonna turn down the jets.

Otherwise I'm not gonna
be able to hear you.

- There you go.
- Great, thanks.

Wait a second. Where's Poppy?

Oh, she hasn't signed on yet.
I gotta give her a call now.

No. I don't wait for
her. She waits for me.

- You call her, then you call me back.
- No, come on.

Don't do the power play
thing, Ian. It's not a...

[SIGHS] Oh, my God. It's... It's
like herding cats. It really is.

It's like herding big baby human cats.

[TYPING]

Please be showered. Please
be showered. Please...

- Hello.
- Oh, my God. Are you serious?

I mean, you look awful.

No, I'm doing great.

I'm on the best programming
sprint of my life.

For the last days,

I haven't left my computer
except to pee and sleep.

Well, maybe leave once to wash yourself.

Wait a minute. Where's Ian?

No. We're not doing this.

- If he's not here, why am I here?
- We're not doing the power play thing.

I'm gonna call him now, okay?

Okay, well, I'm gonna go put a bra on

since you need these meetings
to be all fancy or whatever.

It's not fancy to wear
undergarments to a business meeting.

You know what, just go put on the bra.

Put on the bra. Uh, it's unbelievable.

It's like, just be human.

You know, just be a normal human being.

Yo.

[SIGHS] Where's your shirt?

Didn't feel appropriate,
David. I'm in a hot tub.

Can't believe I have to
ask this during a pandemic,

but would you just... just get out
of the hot tub and put on a shirt?

- No.
- No?

Hey! If Ian doesn't
have to wear a shirt,

then I shouldn't have to wear a bra.

- I'm taking this off.
- Poppy don't... What?

- It's so unfair.
- Don't take your bra off.

- It's almost a cliché.
- Okay, fine. I'll get out of the hot tub.

- You are allowed to do whatever you want.
- Fine, David, just ruin everybody's day.

And I aren't allowed to do
it. And I tell you what...

Guys. Oh, my God! What is happening?

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Okay, so I don't know where C.W. is.

Uh, I know he was having
some trouble signing in.

I mean, we gave him all
the sign-in information...

Hey. David. Can we make this quick?

I've got a lot of work to do stripping
Blood Ocean out of everything.

Yeah. Yeah.

Releasing a disease in the game
right before a global pandemic

was not a great look.

Poppy, you should be taking this time

to recharge and stay healthy like me.

You know, I haven't left my
compound in like three months

because I'm so afraid of getting sick.

He's too important to the world.

Oh, Jo, you don't need to say that.

But put it in the notes.

No, don't put it in the notes, Jo.

- It's not relevant to anything we're talk...
- Oh, I have an idea.

What if instead of stripping
Blood Ocean out of the game,

I build a vaccine?

What? That would take you weeks.

What are you... I feel like
you're inventing work for yourself.

I feel like you're a cashed-up bogan.

"A cashed-up bogan"?

David, Poppy is being
mean in Australian.

Is the meeting almost over?

The meeting hasn't even started.

You know what? Let's just
forget C.W. and jump right in.

- Brad, can I get your attention, please?
- Oh, sorry, David.

- I'm playing Street Fighter.
- No problem.

- Thanks for letting me know.
- It's cool.

Okay, so, uh, obviously the
quarantine has been tough on everyone,

but our industry is thriving,
and I think we should give back.

So, I'm suggesting a $ , donation.

- Wait a second. Wait, what?
- Huh?

Brad, we as a company
have a responsibility...

Money is my territory,
and I make the final call.

I'm not giving something away
without getting something out of it.

- That's insane.
- That's charity.

You just described
exactly what charity is.

- Not approved.
- All right, tell you what.

Play me for it.

Your little game there.

If I win, you gotta release the cash.

[CHUCKLES] Deal.

But if I win, you gotta shave
off one of your eyebrows.

- What?
- f*cking hell. Goodbye.

She can't leave the meeting
before me. No. Goodbye.

Oh, this is gonna be amazing. Goodbye.

- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.

Unbelievable. Meeting adjourned.

Hello. I don't know what
I pressed, but I'm here.

Has the meeting started?

[GRUNTS]

This lag is real bad.

- You can't judge att*ck time at all.
- That's what happens

when the entire world's
playing on one server, I guess.

- Right.
- Hey, question.

Answer.

- You want a chip?
- Oh, yeah.

[BURBLING SOUND]

Mm.

See? It's like nothing's changed, baby.

- Hey, Rache.
- Yeah.

Why do you wear that hoodie every day?

Oh, it's cold in my apartment.

Why don't you take off the hood?

Okay, just don't judge me.

Damn.

Yeah, I know. I can't color it,
and I tried cutting it and...

That is badass.

You're like Storm from X-Men.

You're like f*ckin' Halle Berry, girl.

- [CHUCKLING] Wait, really?
- Yeah.

Hi!

Oh, is that Rachel's mom?

Hey, Rachel's mom, can you
send Rachel in? It's work time.

- Lou, what are you doing here?
- I thought you got promoted.

I did. They made me head guy in charge

of babysitting dum-dums like you.

Couple of ground rules to go
over: I don't mute when I eat.

I don't want to hear any chitchat.

I don't want to hear any side
chat, certainly no back-sass.

And, ladies, let's remember:

[WHISPERS] we're all in this together.

- Super.
- Great.

- Yeah. You lose!
- Damn it.

How are you so good at this game?

I guess some people have
it, and some people don't.

Speaking of not having things,
one eyebrow, please.

Fine, I'll get my razor.

Ah, shi... Hold on. Sue's calling.

Hey, Sue.

Oh! It's a party.

I'm so sorry to interrupt,

but, um, my inbox is filling up with
some very strongly-worded e-mails.

Right. Yeah, uh, what are
the players upset about now?

Uh, it's actually... it's
the parents of the players.

They can't undo the parental control,

so their kids are getting
locked out of the game

after too many hours of play.

- Uh-huh.
- And it seems like

the one thing that parents
don't like to do is parent.

Which, you know, kinda makes you wonder

why they had kids in the first place.

Okay, so... Well, thanks, Sue.

We'll just take care of
it. All right, bye-bye.

Okay, David. Sorry, David.

- Just one last... Uh, is...
- Yeah.

What might get us some goodwill
is that $ , donation.

Actually, Sue, we're not gonna
be donating the money anymore.

But David will be
donating his left eyebrow.

Wait a second. That's it, yes. Yes!

Okay, let's play again.

And if... if I win, we donate $ , ,

and if I lose, I shave off
my other eyebrow. Huh?

Mm. I'm done dealing in
brows. I want your lashes.

I... [SIGHS]

All right, fine. You can have my
eyelashes. Deal. Let's, let's do it.

- No, David!
- Deal!

David, your eyelashes, they're
your third-best feature.

- Okay, Sue, uh, we gotta go. Take care.
- Don't...

[IAN] Yo, Carol. What's up?

I'm gonna need less crotch, Ian.

Oh, sorry.

I don't hear that very often.
I'm just kidding. That's a joke.

Okay. So, I'm calling because
I've received some reports

about bizarre behavior.

Well, it is the video
game industry, Carol.

There are a lot of nuts there, and
they're probably ready to cr*ck.

Although, one person in particular
that I'm worried about is Poppy.

There's something going
on there, I can tell.

The reports have been about you.

Ian, you can't send personal
videos to your employees

with the subject line
"Mandatory Viewing".

- Well, those are meant to be inspiring.
- Really?

♪ Sometimes everything is wrong ♪

♪ When your day is night alone ♪

♪ Hold on ♪

♪ Hold on ♪

Yeah, I'm showing people that

we're all in this together
and that everybody hurts.

Ian, if you wanna actually help people,

you're gonna have to make a sacrifice.

Maybe give away some of
that money you clearly have.

I'm happy to do it, but that's
not what people want right now.

They want hope, because
money is not that important.

It is to people who don't have it!

You know what? I ain't got
time for this sh*t, okay?

I gotta babysit y'all

and homeschool my own kids
at the same time? Carol can't.

Did you know they changed math?

They just up and
changed how you do math.

I'm done, okay?

So, wear a shirt, don't wear a shirt.

Get hammered and do push-ups,

put it on YouTube. I don't care.

- I'm sorry, Carol. I think I muted you.
- [CHILD] Mom, where are you?

Did you say something? Did
you say something there?

I'm coming. g*dd*mn kids at
work, kids at home. Oh, hell.

[GRUNTS]

[TAPPING DESK]

Yes! f*ck yeah!

[CHUCKLES] Did it! I did it! I did it!

Whoo!

Okay, look at the video icon on
the bottom left and then click that.

[C.W.] Ah. Ah, yes. Here.

Yes, yes, I can see you. Perfect.

[INAUDIBLE]

Oh, wait, I can't hear you.

No, no, no. There's no audio.

Um, okay, click the
unmute button, bottom left.

N-no. No, no. This is an
audio FaceTime. Don't...

Do you see me now? I
just Facebooked you.

Okay, you pressed
the wrong button, just...

Let's... Let's just stick
to one app, okay?

- I'll text you.
- No, C.W., don't text me.

Just a minute. Hang on.

No, don't text...

- Just stop pressing buttons!
- Huh? Oh, here! Let me try this!

- No.
- Ah, that's better!

What are you doing on the other side?

Hold on. Let me try something else.

Just stop... No! Just
stop pressing buttons!

- How's that? Is that better?
- Just leave it the way it is!

This is insane. This
is truly... [CHUCKLES]

[ECHOING] Hey, I see you. You see me?

No, I... I mean, yeah.
Sure, but you're a panda.

- [ECHOING] A what?
- A panda!

[ECHOING] A panda?

You must've pressed
the wrong button, okay,

because you were just pressing buttons.

Wait, wait, wait. There's an echo. Yeah.

Echo. An echo. Echo, echo.
Don't you hear that echo?

- Yes, I hear it.
- You know,

- Just stop talking!
- it doesn't echo when you talk.

Just stop talking and listen
and look at the camera.

- Which one?
- The only one! The... The panda one.

I don't wanna be a g*dd*mn panda!

You're a science-fiction writer.

How do you not know how
to just use a cell phone?

- I'll fax you.
- g*dd*mn it.

- C.W., do not... Get ba... Get back he...
- [FAX SIGNAL BEGINS]

This is insa...

[SHOUTING]

Pick up. Poppy, pick, pick,
pick, pick. Poppy, pick up.

- [POPPY] What?
- Hey, Poppy!

Congratulations. I heard you
finished your sprint. Let's celebrate.

Thanks, I can't. I'm busy.

Oh, no, you're not. David said you
are all finished with your work.

And so am I because I've already had

two of these and I wanna make a third,

so get on it.

And, by the way, um, turn your camera on

because it's... it's less sad

when I can see you
if I'm drinking alone.

Great. Sorry, I... I can't turn
it on. I just got out of the bath.

Bath? You don't bathe.
N-Now I know you're lying.

- Wh-Wh-what's going on?
- Nothing's going on. I just... I...

I just don't want anyone
to see me right now, okay?

[SIGHS] All right, I... I...

I did something nice for you and I
wanted to have a drink and watch it,

but let me just send it
to you now. And you can...

Hi, Poppy.

I'm going to walk you
through a guided meditation.

Now, relax, close your eyes

and concentrate on the
only thing that matters,

the sound of my voice.

[POPPY] What is this?

This is core exercise,
but as you can see,

you're engaging your arms as well.

[IAN] That actually is not for you.

What I like to do is come
down to my wine cellar here.

- Oh! Sorry, I keep popping up.
- [OVERLAPPING VIDEOS]

Next, your guest cottage...

- [POPPY] No, I don't... Can you...
- You do not wanna leave your house.

[POPPY] Turn the... Can
you get the videos off my...

I don't wanna watch any... Listen...

- I just wanna be alone, okay?
- Okay, okay.

Stop acting like you're
trying to help me!

This isn't about me. It's about you

being too scared to leave your compound,

but you still need attention
because you're a f*cking narcissist!

What? A narcissist? Like... Fine!

Then, okay. I was doing
something nice, but forget it.

Go! Go be with your dead plants,
your cats, or whatever. I don't care.

- Okay, thanks. Yeah, I will.
- Okay, fine.

I've got better sh*t to do too.
So, whatever, dude.

Actually... I... I look
huge. Like, massive.

I'm gonna use this angle
at the next meeting.

No, "fewer" modifies plural nouns.

"Less" modifies singular.

You can't have less female candidates.

You can have fewer, and you should.

And anybody who doesn't
know that is dumb.

Oh, my God. Then I guess
everyone's dumb, Lou.

Rache.

Oh, God.

What? We're in quarantine.

- We're having fun.
- Probably just thinks it's stupid.

Actually, I don't think it's stupid.

I think it's a good idea.

It's just that I think I
would do it way better.

Then prove it, assh*le.

All right. Here we go.

Why do you have toilet
paper on your desk?

What? Oh, yeah, I got
toilet paper everywhere.

I got loads of it. Way
more than I could ever use.

I don't know, you seem
pretty full of sh*t.

That's pretty good. You
know what, I like her.

She should talk more.
You should talk fewer.

See how stupid that sounds? Ugh.

Okay.

All right. Dana, here we go.
This is what I want you to do.

On the count of three,

I want you to poke the bottom
left side of your screen. Got it?

- Okay.
- One, two, three.

Rachel, grab a chip.

sh*t, that was better.

That was cool.

Can we do it again?

If you want this to be really cool...

we're gonna need more people.

Preferably men.

[YELLS]

- [LAUGHS]
- No! No! Oh, damn!

- God.
- Hey, David. David, David.

Are we at your divorce trial right now?

Because I just watched a hot
Asian chick rip your heart out.

Okay, one more game.

$ , against both eyebrows,
both eyelashes. Full monty.

Pass. I'd rather have you lopsided.

Come on, man. I just
wanna do some good here.

There's gotta be something
you're willing to play for.

I want your essence.

- My what?
- I want your spiritual core.

Your joie de vivre.

I want the mustache.

No. No, I need a mustache.

I look weird without a mustache.

I got bad news for you, bud.
You look weird with the mustache.

But the question is,

how badly does David
Brittlesbee wanna help people?

All right, fine. Fine. Deal. You
got a deal, but we're locked in.

[LAUGHS] Yeah, you're
gonna look like an egg!

Hey, Brad, I... I hope you don't mind,

but I just wanted to... to
change up my gear a little bit.

You see, the truth
of the matter is, I...

I just haven't felt right
without my fight stick.

The f*ck is all that?
Wait, what is that?

Well, you see, when my
parents got divorced,

my mom would give me
bucks and tell me to get lost.

So I'd take that money,
along with all those feelings,

and I'd head on down to the arcade,

where I played my favorite game,
Street Fighter.

Let's just say... I
got a lot of practice.

Oh, sh*t.

Let's fight!

[TYPING]

[MOUSE CLICKS]

[MOUSE CLICKS]

[PHONE RINGS]

[LINE BEEPS]

[MOUSE CLICKS]

[PHONE RINGING]

Hey, Pop. You got my messages. Good.

[POPPY] Are you on the street?

Yeah. And I am not happy about it.

It's like these people want to
breathe directly into my face.

I mean, just right into my face.

Hey, assh*le. Cross the
street or I'll f*ck you up.

[MAN ON STREET] Really?

Yeah. Okay.

Okay, Pop, I'm gonna
cross the street because

he called my bluff and he is big.

You know, I don't think
I am handling this

as well as I thought I was. I, uh...

I gotta admit, I think
I'm struggling. [CHUCKLES]

Pop, you there?

Yeah.

You okay?

Uh-huh.

Can I see you then?

[SNIFFS]

No.

Pop, come... Come on, man.

You're really freaking me
out. Just let me see you.

I don't think I'm doing very well.

It was okay when I still had work,

but now that's done, and
I don't have anything else.

All my family are
thousands of miles away

and I don't have any friends.

And I'm just alone.

- That's not true. That's not true, Poppy.
- No, it is. It is.

I thought that I could handle
this, but I don't think that I can.

And everybody else seems to
have somebody, but I don't.

I'm just... [SOBS]

[SOBS] I'm just alone.

Open your door.

Why?

Just open your door.

[IAN] Hi.

[POPPY] Hi.

[SOBBING]

[IAN] I miss you.

I miss you too. [SOBS]

- Poppy...
- Yeah?

You really do need to take
a shower, 'cause you stink.

[POPPY LAUGHS]

You are such an assh*le. [CHUCKLES]

[SNIFFS]

[IAN] You good?

Yeah. You?

[IAN] Yeah. I'm good.

All right, I'll see you soon.

- All right.
- [POPPY] Bye.

[CALL DISCONNECTS]

[OVERLAPPING VOICES]

- [FEMALE CALLER] The recipe is tequila...
- [MALE CALLER] Reading a lot.

- I painted this one.
- [RACHEL] That's awesome.

I can't watch any more seasons.

If you don't think that the
toilet paper industry started this,

then you're f*cking crazy.

[SUE] Via snail mail. I just
dropped them off at your house.

[JO] Did you hear about how
much money toilet paper made?

- [BEEP]
- Hello!

There she is.

- Hey, Poppy. I waited for you.
- Hey.

I waited for you this
time in the meeting.

- Nice one, mate.
- Looks like somebody did find that shower.

I wanted to look fancy.

Did you wash your hair?

Yes, I washed my hair.

All right.

I'll keep my eye on it.

- [LOU] Guys. Guys! g*dd*mn it! Guys!
- [ALL CLAMORING]

- [BEEP]
- [VOICES MUTE]

[LOU] Good. There. Jesus.

Now, remember, this only
works if we all do our part.

Okay. We get one sh*t at this.

So, don't f*ck it up, Rachel.

[INAUDIBLE]

No one can hear you. It's paradise.

All right. Looks like
we're waiting on C.W.

But Brad has a quick announcement.

Whatever. Fine. Brad, go.

Yeah. Hey, everybody. So,
I had this bet with David.

And, well, he totally
sandbagged and lost on purpose.

But then we made the stakes really high

and we played one final time.

And, uh, well... I still b*at his ass!

- [LOU] Oh!
- [ALL CLAMORING]

- [BRAD LAUGHS]
- Whoa, David.

- David, you look weird.
- [CAROL] Honey.

- I know I look weird, okay?
- You look like a baby turtle.

Wait, is that David or Sandy Duncan?

But it'll grow back in like eight
or ten months. I don't know.

Has anyone ever shaved their eyebrow?

I don't know how long that
takes. Does it grow back?

Whatever. It doesn't matter. I just...

I feel bad that I lost
the $ , for charity.

Oh, I already donated it.

- What?
- Yeah, I was always gonna donate it.

- What?
- Ian doubled it.

- Yo.
- But... [STAMMERS] Why?

I thought... You were
opposed to giving away money.

No, no. I told you I need to get
something out of it. Which I did.

Your dignity.

That's $ , for charity.
Way to go, David.

- [DANA] Way to go, David.
- [SUE] Good job, David.

- [IAN] Nice work, Dave.
- [POPPY] Great job, David.

- Thank you, guys.
- [ALL CLAMORING]

[RACHEL] Actually, since we're all here,

- I think it would be nice to say...
- [LOU] Oh, God,

here comes some boring SJW rant about...

You know what, f*ck you, Lou. Okay?

- You're being such a di...
- [CLATTERS]

Oh, sh*t, I think I started it.

- Wait, what?
- Go. Go, go!

[IAN] Oh, sh*t.

[SUE] Okay.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

[IAN] Holy sh*t, it's working.

[SUE LAUGHS, WHOOPS]

- Wait, where's C.W.?
- [BRAD] Where is he?

- [RACHEL] Come on, dude. Figure it out.
- [IAN] Come on, man.

[JO] Where is he?

Oh, my God!

Come on!

Come on!

- Huzzah!
- [ALL SCREAMING, CHEERING]

- [TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING]
- [C.W.] I made it!

[BRAD] C.W., you're the man!

[LAUGHS]

[IAN] Yes!

[CHEERING CONTINUES]

[ALL CHEERING, CLAMORING]

f*ck you, coronavirus.

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

[MUSIC ENDS]