02x07 - Peter

[bunniefuu]

[Rachel] Okay, so I--
I kinda had an epiphany. [chuckles]

[sighs] What I realized
is that one of my problems

is that I'm just really resistant
to new things.

I just say no too often,
which is totally fear. [sighs]

So I decided I'm just gonna start
saying yes to stuff.

So when you needed someone to drive you,

I just said yes because
maybe I can learn something, you know?

Anyway. [chuckles]
I guess what I'm trying to say is,

I really think you can help me
with some important life stuff,

and I really appreciate the opportunity.

Oh, were you talking to me?

W-- Yes.

I'm sorry, dear girl.

There are certain octaves of the female
voice that I am no longer able to hear.

I'll take it as a compliment
you knew I was a girl.

Honestly, I do appreciate the support.

As you know,
I would not have broken my solitude

were it not a matter of utmost urgency.

Yeah, that sounds like some
serious sh*t, man. Where are we going?

To the home of an old writer friend.
Well, it's a foe.

He's an untalented hack
who stole the love of my life.

We haven't spoken in years,

and recently he reached out
and begged me to come and see him.

Says he wants to apologize.

Oh, that's nice.

- So you guys are gonna make up?
- No.

I'm gonna f*ck his wife.

Look, I'm not sure
I'm totally comfortable with this.

Oh, don't worry about it.
I'll be in and out in minutes.

Yeah, it's not the time
that's the issue.

It's more the part where you're gonna,
like, f*ck some guy's wife.

I'm not literally
gonna have sex with his wife.

Anne d*ed years ago.
I'm speaking figuratively.

I've come here to cuckold Peter.

Emasculate him beyond repair
by flaunting my many successes.

Oh. That's sounds super petty
and unnecessarily convoluted.

Ah. That's what they said
about my books.

That didn't stop me from besting Peter
in that department.

I'm gonna crush him beneath the weight
of my literary oeuvre.

And then when the moment is right,
I'm gonna whip it out.

Ah, do not whip it out.

Oh, yes. I'm whipping it out
and shoving it right in his face.

- My Nebula.
- Oh, thank God.

You can help. Talk me up in there.

Say nothing of the video games.

It's looked down upon
in the literary world.

Focus on my books.

This isn't what I had in mind.

Finding answers doesn't always follow
what you had in mind.

Jump the f*ck in. Get weird.

You might actually learn something.

Hello. You must be Mr. Longbottom.

Yes, you're right.

And, uh, you are?

Magda. It's a pleasure.
Peter is expecting you.

Mm. [chuckles]

[fire crackling]

Whoa.

- Cool house.
- Well, thank you, dear boy.

I'm a girl.

Ah, apologies. It was the hair.

- Peter.
- Carl. [chuckles]

[C.W. chuckles]
Hello, old friend.

[chuckles]
It's been a long time.

- Yeah, a long time indeed.
- Oh.

- You look well.
- I look terrible, but I feel great.

So happy to see you.
[chuckles]

[clears throat]

- Oh, sorry. [chuckles] Hi, yeah. I'm--
- This is my driver.

Yep. I'm the driver. [chuckles]

And yet you came in.

Yes.

- That was an interesting choice.
- Mm.

- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you. [chuckles]

How's everyone doing out here?

Can I offer you something to drink?
Tea, lemonade?

Whiskey, neat.
My driver will have the same.

- Oh, uh, it's kinda early.
- Indeed.

And I'm driving.

Oh, very professional.

I hire only the best. I'll have hers.

[chuckles] Of course.

She is lovely.

- That's Magda.
- Oh.

She's been with me a few years.
Don't know what I would do without her.

Interesting.

[chuckles]

Very interesting.

Hey. [chuckles] Is this you, C.W.?

Yes.

Oh, I'm surprised you keep this
up here, old boy.

Why wouldn't I? It was
one of the greatest times of my life.

Oh. Oh, yes.

[smacks lips]
This was when I met Anne.

Yes.

And together we made
this wonderful brood.

Ten grandchildren,
if you can believe it.

That's a lot of grandchildren.
I have .

- She's one.
- What?

Your driver is your grandchild?

Mm. Calpurnia. She's my biggest fan.

- Yes, I am.
- She's also gay.

Yep.

Yep, yep, yep.

Ah, the Nebula. This looks familiar.

This is Anne's, of course.
All of these are.

She was quite celebrated.

Peter, on the other hand,
well, he was...

Uh, is "prolific" the right word?

I suppose you could say that.
[chuckles]

Well, what else can you say
about someone who wrote novellas?

Nineteen! And all about
the same character, mind you.

Called The Hammerfall Cycle.

You wouldn't have heard of them.

Maybe you'd like to read one?

Yeah, thank you. That's nice.

- Start with this one. That's Anne's.
- Okay.

She was a true genius.

She was. One of a kind.

- Here you are.
- Ah. [chuckles]

Why, thank you.

Oh. [slurps, swallows] Ah.

Well, on to the matter at hand.

Ladies, would you excuse us, please?

No need to take more of your time.

No, I suppose, uh, years
is long enough to...

[coughs] wait for an apology.

[chuckles] I should think so.

[C.W. exhales, smacks lips]

[sighs]
It's hard to know where to begin.

Hmm.

Whenever you're ready.
[chuckles]

I'm quite ready.

Yeah, so am I.

[whispers] Go ahead.

Me?

I'm not apologizing. You are.

[chuckles] I am not.

Then why did I drive
all the way up here?

You're going to apologize to me.

Like hell I am. You reached out to me.

Said you wanted to set things right.

- Set things right?
- Yeah.

[chuckles] Damn it.

Ginny. My daughter.
Just like her mother. Headstrong.

She must have set this up.

[chuckles]

And you thought I--

What on earth
would I have to apologize for?

- For breaking up the tripod.
- Oh. [scoffs]

You disappeared from our lives, Carl.

You didn't even come to Anne's funeral.

She made her choice.

I see.

I always suspected that
you were jealous.

[chuckles] Jealous? Of a boob?

A man so dunderheaded
he was duped by his own progeny? Hardly!

That's enough of that.

- You can go.
- Oh.

Not until I get my apology.

Don't be absurd. What am I meant
to be apologizing to you for?

Oh, I don't know.

Perhaps for hanging yourself
around Anne's neck like an albatross.

For poisoning her against me.

You became an insufferable blowhard
after you won the Nebula.

- Oh.
- Disparaging me at every turn.

I did no s--

You told Anne
I was a fecund literary slut.

That was taken out of context.
But I also stand by it.

You did everything you could
to turn her against me!

Oh, was I the one
who gave you a face like a f*cked ass?

I presumed that was your mother!

You son of a bitch!

[C.W.] Hey! Hey! Hey!

You've got some nerve coming here.

As do you, churning out installments
of that Hammerfall dross

while married to
one of the great writers of our age.

Anne loved The Hammerfall Cycle.

She called them vibrant
and electrifying.

"Electrifying."
Yes, I've seen the dust jacket note.

It's the same one on every book.

I guess I held up the standard.

Oh, is that the holdup on book ?

Can't find anyone
to read the damn thing?

Never wrote the damn thing.

When I lost Anne, I lost my muse.

Oh, please. Don't blame her for
your undercooked literary miscarriages.

What glowing quotes grace the covers
of your books these days?

I'll have you know
Harper's called my last book

"unbridled space smut." [chuckles]

What happened to you, dear boy?

You began with such promise.

Tears was...

a triumph.

You couldn't finish the trilogy. Why?

I'm writing it.

Not that you'd know it, dear boy,
but good writing takes time.

And what does years
of drinking and whoring around take?

I won a Nebula Award.

You can write , books
and never accomplish that.

Whereas I could never write another word
for as long as I live,

but I would still have hard proof

my very first book
was a stroke of genius.

But the sequel...

it didn't quite stand up, did it?

It's a bit limp.

[grunts]

Who does he think he is?
Tw-- Myself? Not a chance.

That was intense. Are you ready
to get out of here, Grandpa?

No. No, no, no. I'm not leaving yet.
I'm gonna f*ck his wife.

I know. Figuratively.

No, literally. I'm literally
gonna have sex with his new wife.

- Who are you talking about?
- That Eastern European strumpet.

I'm gonna take her as my own.

Magda is his nurse, man.

Oh. Well, then that changes everything.

I'm gonna f*ck his nurse.

Good God.

Is everything okay out here?

- Yes. [chuckles]
- No.

- So are you staying for dinner?
- No.

Yes.

Yes.

[C.W.] Mm. Oh.

[sniffs] This chicken is beyond, Magda.
You're a fantastic cook.

- Oh, no. I'm not--
- No, no, no. Don't be modest.

It's wonderfully moist.

Carl, she didn't make the food.

She's the nurse, remember?

- Don't back talk me, Cassandra.
- Calpurnia.

Oh, right. [chuckles]

I'm confusing her
with my many other grandchildren.

The, uh-- [clears throat]

The Longbottoms
are notoriously robust of seed.

I'm glad you like the food, Carl.

It means a lot coming from a man who
knows his way around a rotisserie spit.

Were you aware that your grandfather
hawked chicken at the state fair?

It was the Renaissance fair.

And I was the Grand Roast-Master

of an award-winning
rotisserie chicken victualler's.

Oh. No wonder you didn't write
any good books for years.

You were busy basting.

I've been busy finishing my trilogy.

Also award-winning.

- One of them.
- Yes. The books vary.

You see, some of us don't like
writing the same book times.

It's called a nonodecology.

Ooh, I'm sure it is. [chuckles]

Speaking of endlessly repeating things,
I'd love a refill.

Nurse.

I'll drink as fast as I like,
California. [stammers]

I think you've had enough.

Oh, I'm just getting started.

Really?

'Cause all I see
is a man who's finished.

Oh, that's it! I'm going.

- Well, it's been fun.
- To the bathroom.

[rock music plays]

[grunts]

Ah.

Mm. [smacks lips]

Jackpot. [chuckles]

Call me a chicken man.

[sips, smacks lips]

Ah.

[chuckles]

Well, this chicken man...

is gonna sh*t in your desk, daddio.
[grunts]

[sighs]

So, Calpurnia,
how long have you been a lesbian?

- I should check on him.
- No need. Here I am.

What is this?

I'd like to apologize
for my previous transgressions.

I'm-- I'm feeling
a bit more myself now.

I'm not sure that's a relief.
[chuckles]

[chuckles, burps]

I'll darken your doorway no longer.

Calamari, we're leaving.

Go start the car.
I'll-I'll be just a minute.

Yes!
[chuckles]

Yes, uh, w--
well, thank you for having us,

and for the books.

I-- I will read them both.

And I'm sorry, and yes.

- I'll walk you out.
- Oh, you don't have to. It's okay.

- No, please.
- Okay.

Let's not part on bad terms.

The truth is I respect you.

[chuckles] How could I not?
You've written books.

That's commendable.

It's an odd number though, .
Why not go for ?

Oh! Yes, you stopped writing
after Anne d*ed.

You lost your muse.
Or was it... your career?

Annihilation Entire.
The th book of the Hammerfall series.

What are you doing with that?

What are you doing with it?
You said you never wrote it!

But there it was in your desk drawer
for anyone to find.

Why not publish?

- I'm still tinkering with it.
- Liar!

You finished this.
You even copyrighted it.

- Give me that!
- Ah, ah, ah, ah.

- Oh-ho. Oh, oh, oh. Whoa. Oh.
- Give me that!

[pants]

Oh. [gasps]

Careful, old boy.

You're no longer as spry

as the writer of
Hammerfall : The Darkest Hour.

Peter, pray tell,
who published this gem?

Ah, here we go. Random House.

And who was Anne's publisher
at that time?

Yes, Random House. What a coincidence.

But then she switched publishers
at one point, didn't she?

And who was the new one?

What was that-- Ah.

Tor, of course.

And isn't this interesting?

You switched publishers that year.

And who had the good fortune to publish
your newest volume?

Ah, Tor. My, my.

In fact, Tor continued to publish
both you and Anne.

Every book,
all the way up until her death. Wow.

Of course, they could no longer continue
publishing Anne at that point.

She was gone.
But why did they stop with you?

I'll tell you why.

Because they only published you
as a favor to her.

The star!

And when she d*ed,
they cut loose the baggage.

[manuscript thuds]

[chuckles]
You'll never be able to end the saga

because there's no one around
who cares to hear it.

Well, they rejected my last book.

At last we know the truth!

And shame on you
for using your own daughter

to lure me here so you could get
me drunk and make me embarrass myself.

I did no such thing.

Really? Then why did she do it?

Because I'm dying, you idiot.

What?

I'm dying.

And my daughter's
still young enough to believe...

that closure exists. [clears throat]

Well, it does exist.

Just not for you.

[clears throat]

And by the way, the chicken was dry.

Carl.

"Watch out for stobor."

Huh. [groans]

[crickets chirping]
[coughing]

[mumbles]

Drive! [coughs]

- Drive!
- I'm driving.

Jesus Christ, dude.

[sighs]

[sighs]

So did you get what you wanted?

Huh?

Did you cuckold him or whatever?

Yes. [chuckles]

Uh, I am victorious.

[snorts]
Okay. That's good, I guess.

[chuckles]

I don't know, man. I feel more confused
than when we started.

I mean, I jumped in,
and sh*t definitely got weird.

But I don't feel like
I learned anything.

Watch out.

- What?
- Watch... out... for... sto--

[gags] sto--

No, no, no, no, no. C.W., no! No! No!

I have been saying yes all g*dd*mn day.

I am not saying yes
to you puking in my car!

[echoing] Oh, my God, dude.
I said yes to driving you

and to the weird
f*cking cuckolding thing.

And-- And watching you get blasted
out of your mind. I'm sick of it.

Stobor.

Sto--

C.W.?

Uh, C.W.?

- [Rachel] C.W.
- Carl.

[woman] Carl.

[echoing] Carl.

[echoing] Carl.

[snores]

[echoing] Are you okay?

[stammers] Anne?

Oh, no. I'm Ginny, her daughter.

My God, you look just like her.

[chuckles] Thank you, yes.

I inherited my mother's looks
and my father's acid reflux.

- Huh?
- Here. Drink this.

How'd I get back here?

Your granddaughter brought you back.

You passed out in her car,
and she thought you were dying.

I got it. [grunts] Oh. [winces]

[grunts] Perhaps she's right. [winces]

So this is C.W. Longbottom.

I have to say
you're not at all what I expected.

Well, I'm not what I expected either.

I'm sure your mother
told you horror stories.

Actually, she never mentioned you once.

Oh.

Until, one day,
she comes home with this.

[chuckles]
She asked me to put it in the VCR.

It's not every day your -year-old
mother comes home with a video game.

But then she tells me
that an old friend wrote it.

She kept this totem of my failure
to humiliate me.

What? No. No.

She was proud of you
for finding your thing.

She said you predicted
the whole video game thing

back in the ' s or something.

[chuckles] I did. Yes.

She remembered.

Yeah. She also said you snorted
the next three decades up your nose.

Also yes.

Anyway... I'm sorry
for tricking you into coming here.

Silly of me to think two old men
who share the same profession

and the same wildly specific interests

might rekindle a friendship
before one of them dies.

I guess forgiveness is hard to find

when you're a stubborn ass
who can't admit when he's wrong.

[whispers]
I'm talking about you, by the way.

Yeah, I got that.

Great.

Oh! Don't forget this bad boy.

God, do they just
give these out to anybody?

Yes, they do.

I'm just gonna steal one of these.

Hey.

"Watch out for stobor."

Huh?

Nothing.

[inhales sharply]

Goodbye, old girl.

[sighs, grunts]

[groans]

[sighs]

[gasps]

Peter, my behavior last night,
I acted like a contemptible fool.

And I said things
which were unforgivable.

You also took a sh*t in my desk.

Oh, yes. That too.

You didn't say anything
that wasn't true.

I just wish...

[inhales]

He needs some fresh air.

I, um...

May I?

Oh, my goodness.

She started it the day we moved in.

"To the seeds that blossom."
[grunts]

Indeed.
[chuckles]

Of course,
I wanted to live in the city, but...

You did it for her.

You're a better man than I, Peter.

Yeah, a good man...

and a mediocre writer.

Well, I don't know about that.

How many writers can claim
they've written an icosology?

[chuckles] Wh-- How do you--

Oh, doesn't matter.

You know, it's sad
the world will never know how it ends.

It ends with a dead body. Mine.

No, I mean for Bjorn Hammerfall
and the crew of the Bellerophon.

The last we saw them,

they had just slipped into hyperspace
from the Andromeda sector.

You read volume ?

[C.W. chuckles]

I read them all.

Some more than once.

I've always been a fan.

[chuckles]

Was jealous, yes.

Angry, certainly.

Drunk most of the time.

Always a fan.

Take it.

At least one person will read it.

I'd prefer to hear it read
by the author himself.

[scoffs]

It's quite long.
How much time do you have?

Till it's over.

["Jealous Guy" playing]

"The only sound

in the command center
of the USPC Battle-Cruiser Bellerophon

was the low pulse of the sub-light drives.

The crew stood silent
as they looked out

"upon the shattered remains
of Antigone V."

- "Shattered remains"?
- Mm.

What happened to Antigone?

"Hammerfall awoke with a start.
It was a dream."

Ah. [chuckles]

"Or maybe a nightmare."

[sighs]

[exhales, coughs]

"Perhaps a vision of the future.

He swung his legs
off the zero-G hammock,

strode over to the comms panel
and punched through to the bridge."

[continues reading indistinctly]

[song continues]