01x03 - Werewolf Feud

[bunniefuu]

- [drumbeat]
- [clapping]

Fosse/Verdon.

All new, Tuesdays at : on FX.

ANNOUNCER: FX presents
What We Do in the Shadows.

[bats squeal]

LASZLO: I have recently
rediscovered my love

for topiary sculpture.

The art of bush manipulation.

We have Anubis, the
Egyptian god of death.

Here is a chimera.

This one, I'm the most proud of.

This is the bunny, simply
because it ended up

exactly the same as I had in my head.

- And up here...
- SEAN: Yo, Laz!

All right, Sean.

Bitch kicked me out again.
Can you believe it?

She ought to strangle you to death

with your own sphincter muscle.

- What did you just say?
- I said something

which you will heartily agree with.

[Sean laughs]

Yeah, I hear that, bro.
That's-that's messed up.

Have a good night.

His wife will probably k*ll him.

Which leads me on to the fairer sex.

What you're about to see are
the topiary representations

of the vulvas of some of
my favorite prostitutes

and women I have loved.

Polly Nichols from Whitechapel, .

Oh, that's my good lady wife Nadja.

Don't think she'd like you to
see that, but who gives a f*ck?

[laughs] Beautiful.

That's Nancy Reagan at the end.
It's a bit untidy.

And here we have the
pièce de résistance,

my mother.

What the... [sniffs]

You're kidding.

[inhales] Ugh!

That's werewolf piss.

Werewolf piss.

This box contains all my werewolf traps.

That's what we're looking
for, the Wulfsfalle.

That'll do the business.

["You're Dead" by Norma Tanega playing]

♪ Don't sing if you want to live long ♪

♪ They have no use for your song ♪

♪ You're dead, you're
dead, you're dead ♪

♪ You're dead and out of this world ♪

♪ Now your hope and compassion is gone ♪

♪ You sold out your dream to the world ♪

♪ Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪

♪ You're dead and out of this world. ♪

♪

COLIN: Am I a morning person?

That would be an enthusiastic "yes."

I really enjoy the mornings.

Let's see what Nandor's up to.

[singsongy]: Nandor?

I wake up hungry, and I
get to feed all day.

NANDOR: Go away, please, Colin Robinson.

Nandor, it's time to name that tune.

NANDOR: Guillermo, get him out of here!

- Will you get out of here?
- I made it up.

- NANDOR: Can't you see I am sleeping?
- Please get out.

Get out.

That's what I call my
"morning cup of coffee."

Dan, how are you?

Mornings are great for feeding.
People aren't really,

you know, frustrated
yet by the entire day.

If you don't want to have kids,

then I would keep that
phone in your pocket.

Arnie. You know, I was
thinking about the whole,

uh, Q-tip debate that we've been having,

and, you know, science says

that you shouldn't stick anything

smaller than your elbow into your ear.

Talk about damage to the ear canal.

- Am I not right?
- I just can't.

Yeah, no, and, uh...

There's someone new in the office.

If you get 'em before this
place grinds them down,

you get so much fresh energy.

Knock, knock.

Let me be the ad hoc
welcoming committee.

I am Colin Robinson.

You're gonna be hearing
a lot more about me.

- Oh, probably not.
- Oh, no.

Nonsense. People talk.

- Not to me, they don't.
- Look at that.

- Personalized nameplate, huh?
- Yeah, I-I had it made because

people don't usually remember my name.

Oh.

Since we're on friendly terms,

let me give you a little advice.

The water fountain, I
have reason to believe,

is not filtered.

I wouldn't dare go by
the water fountain.

What if everybody laughed?

Wh-Why... why would they do that?

You have no idea how
long I've been waiting

to hear a kind word.

I've been all alone since
Mother d*ed, so...

Oh. I'm-I'm just talking to you. I...

- There, there.
- Thank you.

- Talk later?
- Yeah.

- Really?
- Yeah, I said we would.

I'd love to chat later.

[banging]

COLIN: Oh, what the hell was that?

I didn't get anything from her.

Nothing.

I think there's something
weird about Evie.

NADJA: This is mine and Laszlo's crypt.

I decorated it myself.

This one is a very
special creature to me.

When I first met Laszlo,

I was walking on the moors with him,

and this owl flew over
and scratched my head,

and I said, "k*ll that f*cking
bitch, please, Laszlo."

If me and Laszlo were to
have ever had a child,

I like to imagine it
would look like him.

Small and hard.

I hate this goat.

[werewolf howling]

What is that?

It's werewolf.

[howling continues]

Coming from outside.

There's a bloody big
werewolf on the lawn.

[chuckles] Quick.

- Ugh, ugh.
- Ew.

- Bloody big one.
- Quick, we need to get it inside.

- [scoffs] It stinks.
- [groaning]

- [growling]
- Why is its foot in a trap?

- NADJA: Laszlo, did you lay a trap?
- NANDOR: What?

LASZLO: No, no, nothing to do with me.
Let's just get it

- off the grass.
- NANDOR: It's okay. It's okay.

It's okay. The neighbors,

- the neighbors.
- LASZLO: Shh. He's losing conscious.

- NANDOR: Go to sleep now.
- LASZLO: That's it, that's it.

- Go to sleep,
- [werewolf whimpering]

- Mr. Werewolf.
- LASZLO: That's it.

- NANDOR: Okay, this way. Go, go.
- [gagging]

- NADJA: The boy should be helping.
- NANDOR: He is helping.

NANDOR: Where do we
take it, the basement?

LASZLO: Fancy room.

NANDOR: But we just spring-cleaned.

Master, is it safe to
be this close to it?

Probably not, Guillermo.

Well, when it wakes
up, won't it k*ll me?

Yes, probably. But we have more
important things to talk about.

We need to get rid of him.

And when I say get rid of him,

I mean... pfft!

No! The werewolf lives.

Otherwise we endanger the
sanctity of the Truce.

- The Truce?
- Ah, the Truce.

I hate the Truce.

NANDOR: For tens

upon tens of years,

the vampire and werewolf communities

live in a wary peace
because of the Truce.

Vampire does not harm werewolf,

so long as werewolf doesn't
interfere with any vampire sh*t.

His friends might know he's here.

Which means all of his friends
will come and visit him.

Okay, let us put a muzzle
on him, take him to a park,

tie him to a bench.

He's waking up. He's waking up!

[grunting] Oh, God.

Why do you guys have a werewolf trap?

I mean, a normal trap on your lawn?

NADJA: We know you're a
big bloody werewolf.

I saw you screeching and
scratching around the garden

like a big, disgusting wet dog.

- Yeah, so the game's up, you bastard.
- [groans]

Luckily for you guys,

I have incredible healing abilities.

[groans]

I'm already recovering completely.

Ow! [grunts loudly]

- He's gonna sh*t.
- Oh, no.

When my werewolf brethren and sisteren

find out about this,
they will not be happy.

[howls]

LASZLO: Ah, sh*t.

- He's broken the bloody window.
- [groans] My other leg!

This is bad. This is very bad.

- Yes, this is very bad.
- [werewolf laughing]

I'm coming back with the pack.

And by then, I'll be % healed.

Don't worry about that. Ow!

- He could've k*lled me.
- Possibly, but you know,

- these things happen.
- [werewolf continues shouting]

Hey, Kamal. Put on a little
weight this weekend, no?

[mouths]

Hey, Jeannie. Ooh.

Man, what's an antonym for "jealous"?

'Cause that's how I feel
about your workload

[laughing]: right now.

[mouths]

Arnie. You're gonna k*ll me,
but I think I am going to

change my position on the whole
Q-tip conundrum that we had.

- Arnie, are you even listening to me?
- Huh, Colin?

Sorry. I was... talking to the new girl.

She told me the saddest
story about her nephew.

Born with his eyeballs facing backwards.

So can he see his brains?

I think the new girl is
an emotional vampire.

They're an advanced
form of energy vampire.

But instead of frustrating
the people around them

for energy, they feed off of pity.
Look at her.

There's not gonna be anything left

when she's done with Dave,
I'll tell you that much.

This whole damn office is empty.

Evie.

E.V.

Emotional vamp... Oh, hell.

[hissing]

It's on, Evie Russell. Oh, it's on.

Biff! Hey.

Hey, Biff. Could I have a word with you?

Biff, just a second, Biff.

- Just gonna use the bathroom first.
- Quick question about...

EVIE: Biff, I had a... Actually,

- I had a quick question.
- [hisses] Biff, we need to discuss...

BIFF: Can this wait till we
get out of the bathroom?

EVIE: 'Cause it's kind
of feminine-related.

- Uh, Biff, you're gon... [hisses]
- I can't exact...

- Biff, Biff, Biff.
- Biff, I can't exactly...

- Hold on, hold on.
- BIFF: Oh, man!

Biff, I-I think my dog
might be autistic,

- and I need a shoulder to cry on.
- Biff.

- Please, Biff.
- BIFF: What is happening, Colin?

COLIN: What do you think of
the new toilet paper in here?

- I was wondering... Let go!
- BIFF: This is crazy.

COLIN: Oh, you don't use, uh,
toilet paper liner, huh?

Biff, I just need to
talk to you, please.

COLIN: Not a seat protector dude, huh?

I'm just so sad, and I
don't know what to do.

BIFF: I'm not feeling well. I-I...
I feel really weak.

[thud]

COLIN: You know, the Greek
phrasing for "coma"

- is "deep sleep."
- [elevator bell dings]

Poor Biff.

LASZLO: One, two, three silver b*ll*ts.

How are we gonna k*ll a whole wolf pack

with just three silver b*ll*ts?

It's worse than that... we
don't even have a g*n.

No g*n?

- [howling]
- The wolf pack.

She is here. [whimpers]

LASZLO: What the blazes?

Look, two werewolves,

as bold as brass.

And I can even sense one behind me.

NADJA: She's emptying her wolf
snatch all over the bushes!

All right, you've made your point.
Let's call this a night.

[chuckles]: Oh, no. We're
just getting started.

Way to go, Deb. Good, strong stream.

ANGE: Yeah. We had the piss.

Now we need the blood.

Someone's finally speaking my language.

- [hissing]
- Get ready to start speaking it

our your butt, you Sense
and Sensibility bitch.

- ARJAN: Ange, Ange, Ange.
- What-what are we doing?

You're ramping it up pretty quick here.

Let's build up. Let's
build up to something.

What I don't understand is why
you texted us all, woke us up

and told us to come here to
what, just piss on everything?

- Are we gonna get on with this?
- Lack of organization, man.

I'm just gonna need a second here.

You're doing it again.
You're undermining me.

No, you made us look like turds, man.

[overlapping arguing]

Can you stop crying
on my lawn, please?

- Let's talk about it later.
- Okay. Let's do it later.

[growling]

At last.

Give me some space.

You'll need more than
space, me old chap.

NADJA: Go on, Laszlo.

[growling]

- Oh, no.
- [groans]

Not my bunny. Look.

No, that's my rabbit.
That's my best one.

- My sciatica.
- Don't worry, darling.

[growling, hissing]

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey!

Here comes the party poop.

You can't be fighting with
werewolves on the lawn.

You'll alert the human neighbors.

And there's a bus stop
outside the house.

Well, don't appear as a mist
on the lawn, then, you prick.

What the hell's going
on over there, Laz?

Nothing, Sean.

Everything's all right on this lawn.

Just how I like it.
And I'm going inside.

LASZLO: It's just the neighbor.
Carry on.

If we are to battle, we
must follow the protocols.

Of course we're gonna
follow the protocols.

- To the protocols.
- Sure.

And now there's lots of
dogs going in my house.

NANDOR: sh*t, have you got a key?

[hisses]

[exhales]

It's very tense.

Vampires, werewolves,

give me a moment to find
the relevant passage.

So, are all you werewolves Indians?

- Oh, here we go again.
- f*cking Twilight.

No, we're not all Indians.

In fact... well, I'm an Indian.

But that's because my father's
from India. I think you're

not even talking about that
kind of Indian, though.

I think you're talking
about a Native American,

- like Marcus.
- Yeah, but I'm not a werewolf

- because I'm Native American.
- ARJAN: That's right.

All right? It's not an ethnic thing.

- That's one guy.
- MARCUS: We're all different.

- I'm African-American.
- That's right.

- ALL: Oh.
- ANGE: Yeah.

I'm Caribbean-Canadian.
Saskatoon, m*therf*cker.

- That's right.
- Yeah.

- I'm Caucasian.
- That's-that's right.

- That's Chad.
- NANDOR: If anyone is interested,

- I have found the...
- LASZLO: Yes, get on with this.

Relevant passage for...
[clears throat]

This was written in .

- Wow.
- And it states,

"Should a werewolf pack

have a beef with a vampire house..."

That's us.

"the two groups shall not battle,

"but elect from amongst them

"their strongest fighter.

"The two fighters will face off

- "in one-on-one combat...
- No.

On neutral ground."

Okay. Staten Island
Werewolf Support Group.

- [group howling]
- [vampires groaning]

Uh, vampires in this room.

[group hissing]

NANDOR: Not you, Guillermo.

[vampires continue hissing]

COLIN: It's on, Evie Russell.

Oh, it's on.

- Evie Russell.
- Colin Robinson.

- Working late?
- I have to. I'm behind.

I like your skirt.

You should be careful,
because mauve attracts bees.

I was wearing this skirt when my
sister got her cancer diagnosis.

Cancer isn't usually what kills you.

It's the treatment.

She was k*lled by a drunk driver.

He was my fiancé.

v*olence often begins at home.
Studies indicate...

- I've never had a home!
- [groans]

Remind me to e-mail you a
link to a Slate article

on the millennial housing crisis.

[groans] I don't use e-mail

ever since my computer was hacked

and my identity was stolen.

Hackers, featuring Johnny Lee
Miller and Fisher Stevens,

is one of the few movies from

that still holds up!

[gasps] I was held up at gunpoint

while waiting in line to see that movie.

But they didn't take any money.

They just did it for fun!

[both screaming]

[bats squeaking]

Human form.

Come on!

[snarling]

We're five minutes early.

COLIN: You know...

we don't have to be enemies.

Have you ever considered
hunting with a partner?

The thought has only
recently crossed my mind.

Rhonda.

I was wondering if you
could settle a bet.

Tonight is a good night to die.

Oh, I don't want you to die, Master.

Not me to die,

- the other guy to die.
- Oh.

Maybe don't say it like that.

Okay.

Tonight is a good night
for the other guy,

- not me, to die.
- [door bangs open]

[gasps] They're here.

Sorry we're late. Sorry we're late.

Bridge was a nightmare.

Hello, mongrels. [hisses]

- You haunted house bitch!
- [gasps]

We meet on the roof of this
abandoned Circuit City

in accordance with the protocols

of the Staten Island
Lycanthrope-Vampire Agreement

of .

And so it begins. Have you
chosen your champion?

Oh, yeah.

- We chose Toby.
- [werewolves murmuring]

- Oh, that is a very big one.
- I don't remember this one.

Is he a new one?

ANGE: Oh, he's a new gigantic werewolf.

This isn't even full-size.

- This is just, like, regular Toby.
- NANDOR: Ah...

He-he gets like this big.

LASZLO: Yeah, well, we've
got our own champion.

He goes by the name of
Nandor the Relentless.

- Hi.
- And he's going to mess you up,

[mocking]: Toby.

- [laughs]
- Don't antagonize him, Nadja.

You desecrated my vulva garden.

Namely, my mother's vulva.

You turned it brown and wizened.

NADJA: You made it look
like his sister's vulva.

LASZLO: Exactly.

What type of man would
endure such an insult

from a pack of filthy werewolf scum?

[werewolves groaning, angry muttering]

ARJAN: This is what I'm talking about.

- Let's throw down already.
- I'll throw you down.

Sure thing, Downton Abbey,
I'll knock you out.

[scoffs]

ARJAN: Okay, let's just
take things down a notch

and then fight to the death.

Ah, I don't know.

Is this turkey cut
freshly from the breast?

Or is it a preprocessed roll?

All of our meats are
actually freshly sliced.

Hmm.

I prefer the roll.

Please don't start.

I don't want to get into another
argument in public right now.

We got married out of convenience.

I have Munchausen's by proxy.

I tell people he's
sick so I feel better.

But then I do get sick.

And when I do get sick,

people don't believe that I'm sick.

Because they know she does

Munchausen by proxy all the time.

Do you guys want to eat your food?

BOTH: We're feeding right now.

Vampires... and werewolves.

This is a fight that has
been fought with honor

for a thousand... I say
a thousand... years.

- And tonight...
- [liquid spattering]

I'm not gonna do this if your
man's pissing against the wall.

- f*ck off, you r*cist.
- ANGE: Okay, no.

No more bullshit. We fight.

- I agree with the werewolf slut.
- Thank you.

- ARJAN: Do it, Toby. Do it.
- ANGE: It's all you, man.

- [murmuring]
- LASZLO: I'd say surrender,

but it's my mother's vulva
we're talking about.

- NANDOR: He's quite big.
- Come on, Toby, yeah!

NADJA: Come on, Nandor, you can do it.

We need a new rug for the house.

- LASZLO: Yeah.
- NADJA: I thought you

messy beasts didn't do this
until there was a full moon.

This guy, he just pictures the moon.

He's got a great imagination.

- Yeah, Toby!
- [others murmuring]

ARJAN: All right, don't
worry, I got that.

It's not a naked fight, is it?

Don't think so, no.

- [Toby roaring]
- [moaning]

Uh...

LASZLO: You know, we could just...

What about Gizmo?

- LASZLO: Shh!
- ARJAN: Who?

Champions, choose your weapons.

No silver.

I will let my esteemed
challenger choose first.

- [roaring]
- [moaning]

He chooses teeth and claws.

Oh, he's gonna claw that dildo
right off your head, man.

- Uh, hey.
- Yeah.

Okay. I will choose...

Nunchucks, scimitar... this!

- ARJAN: What is it?
- [growling]

- NADJA: Oh, no.
- LASZLO: Oh, no.

- NADJA: Nandor.
- [squeaking]

- Hey!
- What? No! Toby, no!

ANGE: No, Toby!

- ARJAN: Oh, oh, God. Toby.
- CHAD: What the hell? That's cheating!

- LASZLO: Well played.
- [whimpering]

- MARCUS: Oh... oh, no.
- ANGE: Toby, man.

- MARCUS: Oh, God.
- ARJAN: Don't worry, Toby,

- you're gonna heal up just fine, pal.
- Did I win?

I think I won.

ARJAN: Whatever. I guess this one goes

- to the vampires, then.
- Okay.

Can you leave us to lick our wounds?

- LASZLO: Okay.
- Tob... Toby, don't lick your wounds.

- LASZLO: Bat.
- See you back at home.

- No, please don't...
- [bats squeaking]

ARJAN: It looks... honestly,
it looks better than it did

- five minutes ago already.
- DOUGIE: Come on, Toby.

You'll get through this, and
then we'll take that trip

to Saskatoon we've been talking about.

ARJAN: Hey!

- Hey.
- Oh, hey, man.

You think we could keep the bone?

- Yeah. Yeah. That-that's okay.
- Yeah?

Okay, cool. Cool, guys. All
right, guys, spread out.

Let's find that son of a bitch.

ANGE: Mind where you're walking.

If you hear a squeak, you may
have stepped on the toy.

ARJAN: I'll stay with Toby.
He's gonna be fine.

- He's healing already.
- [indistinct chatter]

♪

COLIN: Dating Evie is never dull.

She certainly knows

how to get people's attention.

- [moans]
- Evie.

COLIN: Whether it be
fainting or car troubles.

A lot of things happen

to her and her cat.

♪ Someone... ♪

EVIE: As many of you know,

I've been paying out of pocket

for my cat's glaucoma treatment,

and the expenses have
entirely wiped my savings.

COLIN: Since I've met her, she's had

at least six pairs of grandparents die.

Looks like I'm gonna
be sleeping in my cubicle

- until further notice.
- No...

I asked my boyfriend, Colin,
if I could stay with him.

ARNIE: What did he say?

EVIE: He said he's not ready f-for that.

ARNIE: Oh, my God.

EVIE: I haven't used that
credit card in six months.

I'll call you back.

Oh.

- Hi, Evie.
- Hi. [chuckles]

Um, listen,

these last few weeks
have been wonderful.

I, uh... I didn't know

I could feel such depth of emotion.

Or utter, utter suffering.

But I don't think this is healthy.

- Oh, Colin.
- I-I'm sorry.

I wish you nothing but continued success

feeding on the addle-brained cattle

that waste their lives around us,

but I can't be around us any-anymore.

If you leave me, I'll... [sniffles]

I'll k*ll myself.

I'll do it. I don't have
anything to live for

if I don't have you.

That's not true. You do, Evie.

You have so much more life

to take out of these morons.

Come here, we'll figure this out.

Y-You couldn't help yourself, could you?

I just wanted one last taste.

Goodbye, Evie Russell.

Goodbye, Colin Robinson.

♪

Colin, don't leave me.

I'm just kidding, you can...

Colin.

You can go.

Please.

But...

Hi. I'm sorry, my boyfriend
just broke up with me.

[sniffles]

Yes, I'm calling about my dry cleaning.

- [whistles]
- There we are, Mother.

You're looking beautiful again.

Or, as Beethoven used to say,

"Die Busche werden
sich nicht schneiden."

These bushes won't trim themselves.

But there, again...

He was always saying sh*t like that.

♪ Please turn to me ♪

♪ More and more ♪

♪ You are the one ♪

♪ That I adore ♪

♪ Little sad eyes ♪

♪ Don't be lonely anymore ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Little sad eyes ♪

♪ Don't be lonely anymore. ♪

I'm what's known as a
psychic or energy vampire.

- We either bore you...
- I'm better now.

I was a little sick this weekend.

Or we enrage you.

[sharpener grinding]