03x17 - The Grandmas

[bunniefuu]

I hope Fran's okay. She's
never been late for breakfast.

Oh, I'm sure Miss Fine's all right.

It takes time for her to roll out of bed,

throw on a robe.

Well, and then there's the slipper dilemma.

Fuzzy or formal marabou-feather pom-pom?

Good morning, everyone.

Miss Fine, why aren't you undressed?

You know, I've dreamt of
you asking me that question.

Only you guys weren't there.

But Niles was.

What that man could do
with a feather duster.

Don't ever let him go.

You guys already started breakfast?

Gee, I was gonna suggest we all go
out to eat, you know, for a change.

Well, Miss Fine, I rather
prefer to stay at home.

Niles is the only one who knows how to make

my breakfast just the way I like it.

Toast and eggs? Please.

Daniel Day-Lewis could make that

with his left foot tied behind his back.

Although, who would want to eat it?

Come on, aren't you sick
of the same old routine?

I don't have a routine, Miss Fine.

Of course you do.

I come in here every morning. I sit down.

You say I look gorgeous.

Well, I don't do that.

Well, start.

- Oh, just one piece of toast...
- Oh, just one piece of toast...

- this morning, Niles.
- this morning, Niles.

- I think I overdid... it this...
- I think I overdid... it this...

- weekend.
- weekend!

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Just what is your problem, Miss Fine?

We're in a rut, honey.
I mean, Mr. Sheffield.

Nothing ever changes around here.

I mean, it's Monday morning, which
means Miss Babcock has just arrived.

She's handing Niles her coat.

She's saying, "Careful,
I just cleaned my fur."

To which he responds, "Well,
don't cough up any hairballs."

And right about now, she's
getting even with him.

(NILES SCREAMS)

Miss Babcock is here.

* She was working in a bridal
shop in Flushing, Queens

* 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out

* in one of those crushing scenes

* What was she to do? Where was she to go?

* She was out on her fanny

* So over the bridge from
Flushing to the Sheffield's door

* She was there to sell
makeup, but the father saw more

* She had style! She
had flair! She was there!

* That's how she became the nanny!

* Who would have guessed
that the girl we've described

* was just exactly what
the doctor prescribed?

* Now the father finds her beguiling

* Watch out, C.C.!

* And the kids are actually smiling

* Such joie de vivre!

* She's the lady in red when
everybody else is wearing tan

* The flashy girl from Flushing

* The nanny named Fran!

Oh, Fran, can you help me with this?

It's really hard.

Homework?

No. A Cosmo quiz.

Oh, sure, honey.

Let's see.

Oh, "Is your man making the
cut or are you in a rut?"

Wow, this should be very informative.

(SHUSHING) Yeah, I want
to see if Peter and I...

- Now...
- Fran, you got a minute?

- Uh...
- Oh, Fran, it's okay.

I mean, I probably should
be doing my homework.

Oh, sweetie, you're a
gorgeous, blonde heiress.

You need trigonometry like a hole...

Oh, here you go. Take your pen,

go upstairs, do your homework.

Fran, I made a play date for tomorrow.

Uh-oh, tomorrow's my manicure day.

That's okay.

Oh, no, it isn't, honey.

I mean, my personal business

should never interfere
with you and your friends.

Can't you change the play date?

Fran, I don't know how to
say this without hurting you.

Well, just be honest.

I don't want you to come with me.

Haven't you ever heard of a white lie?

I think I'm old enough to go alone.

Alone? What are you, six?

I'm .

Wow! Are you short for ?

I just don't think I need my nanny

sitting there, watching
me play with my friends.

It's kind of embarrassing.

Uh, perhaps I should
explain what a white lie is.

Hi, Miss Babcock.

Gee, that outfit looks fabulous on you.

Why, thank you, Nanny Fine.

You don't think it's too tailored?

No, not at all. Very sexy.

That was a variation on a white lie

known as lying through your teeth.

But, you know, you gotta be careful

because if you make it too obvious,

they're gonna see right through it.

Fran, I really want to go alone.

Although, I'll miss
the sound of your voice.

It's so soothing.

Thank you, sweetheart.

So, can I go or not?

Honey, what are you so
anxious to grow up for anyway?

I mean, at your age,
it's cute to be single.

Fran, if you don't have to
stay there babysitting me,

you'll have more time for yourself.

Sweetie, it's my job.

What do you think? I
need to go to the movies

or have lunch with Val or go shopping...

You know what? We'll try it
once. We'll see if you like it.

Can you imagine, Miss Fine
thinking I'm predictable?

Me.

- Mr. Spontaneity.
- Spontaneity.

Niles, you don't think
I'm predictable, do you?

Well, predictable is good.

Predictable is solid.

Oh, God, even I knew I was gonna say that.

Well, if I were you, sir, I'd do something

before she wakes up in the
bedroom of another man... sion.

Niles, I want her to be happy here.

How do you suggest I go
about satisfying Miss Fine?

Well, the second way, sir...

Niles.

Oh, just shake it up, sir.

Do something wild.

Out there. Totally unexpected!

I don't know. Give me a bonus.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, Gracie doesn't want me

to take her to play date any more.

She doesn't need me.

Did you know she was ?

Miss Fine, do you think this tie is boring?

Mr. Sheffield, this is
very traumatic for me.

I'm losing my baby.

Yes or no?

Well, it wouldn't be Monday
without your Monday tie.

That's it. It's gone!

All right. What else don't you like?

I'm not crazy about the pants.

- Miss Fine!
- Miss Fine!

You are just going to avoid
the whole issue, aren't you?

So predictable.

Oh, oh, yeah? Oh, yeah?

Bet you didn't think I was gonna do that!

Sure. Tousle Niles' hair.

Typical.

Did he flatten it all out?

Because I do like a little height.

Fran, there's no more room in here.

Do you want to take some of the crystal?

All right. Maybe just Wilma and Bamm-Bamm.

Don't tell your sister

because I don't want to
start World w*r III here.

Ma, I can't believe Gracie
doesn't want to be seen with me.

Honey, it's a normal thing
for a kid to go through.

Do you remember when you suddenly

didn't want me to pick you up at school?

Yeah. But, Ma, I don't wear a
girdle on the outside of my pants.

Madonna does it, it's trendy.

I do it, I'm a freak.

If you're so upset, why don't you talk

to Mr. Sheffield about it?

Oh, me and Mr. Sheffield,
that's a whole 'nother story.

I don't think there's any
spark left in our relationship.

Did you try unscrewing the light
bulbs for a little mood lighting?

Whenever I want to turn your father on,

the first thing I do is make it dark.

But, Ma, me and Mr. Sheffield

aren't even close to unscrewing.

In fact, I think we're
beginning to bore each other.

Oh, that's normal in a marriage.

But me and Mr. Sheffield aren't married.

- Are you living with him?
- Yeah.

- Are you taking care of his kids?
- Yeah.

- Are you having sex?
- No.

Then you're married.

Relationships are like thighs.

They start out smooth,

then they get a little lumpy,

but without them, you don't
have a leg to stand on.

You know, Ma, I think
you're about a quart low

on your oestrogen.

Honey, the point is you've
got to go with the flow.

Things change.

Not here, Ma.

That's why I always like to come home.

That, and I need a place to hide out

when I pretend to have a date.

Well, honey, things change here, too.

Look, I changed the curtains.

- I got new contact paper.
- Nice.

I threw your father out.

I switched to fat-free Wish-Bone dressing.

What?

You can hardly taste the difference.

No, Ma. What about you and Daddy?

I don't want to talk about it.

Do you want a blintz?

Ma!

Got any sour cream?

I do. If you don't care
about expiration dates.

No.

What could Daddy have done to make
you throw him out of the house?

Is it another woman?

Of course not.

You know I don't go that way.

We had a fight.

Oh, is that all?

You two are always
fighting. He'll come back.

It's different this time.

It's for good. Go look.

Oh, my God!

He took his good hair!

Oh, Ma.

Oh, Niles, my parents are splitting up.

What if Ma starts dating other men

and finds one she likes

and gets married before me?

Oh, there, there, Miss Fine.

Oh, Niles, I've got to
get them back together.

No one in my family has
ever been divorced before.

I thought your sister was?

No. They're just miserable.

What about your Aunt
Hester and Uncle Louie?

Never legally married.

How about your Cousin Ernie and...

What are you? Liz Smith?

Oh, Niles, would you mind
preparing a little nosh?

I have my grandmas coming
over, Yettie and Nettie.

We're gonna try and figure out a way

to get my parents back together again.

What shall I prepare? Nuts?

Some English toffee? Biscotti?

Yeah, that sounds good.

Just put it in a blender
with a couple of prunes.

Goodbye, Fran. I'm going to my play date.

Wait a minute. What about instructions?

All right, Fran. Sit down.

Breathe deeply.

Here's the number if you need me.

I'll be right across the street.

Okay. I'll be all right. Go ahead.

Only, look both ways
before you cross the street

and don't talk to strangers

and don't make contact
with the toilet seat.

That's a good girl.

Yeah, you're almost there, sweetie.

Bye-bye, baby.

(RINGING)

Hi, Gracie? We made it, honey!

Are you bored? Do you
want me to pick you up?

I'll buy you something. Okay, bye.

(SOBBING)

Nanny Fine, get a hold of yourself.

All these tears just because of little...

Lacey?

Oh, it's not just 'cause of Lacey.

My parents are splitting up.

Everything that I've come to
rely and depend on is just gone.

Oh, Nanny Fine, get a grip.

My mother left when I was born.

She wanted a girl.

Sure. It's hard at first.

You're shuttled from house to house,

forced to choose who you love the most.

They try to buy your love,

topping each other's gifts,
giving you more and more

until you've got
everything you ever wanted!

Oh, life can be sweet, Nanny Fine!

Divorce? Embrace it!

(DOORBELL RINGING)

I'm coming. I'm coming.

(COUGHING)

Nanas,

I thought you were gonna stop smoking.

What, it's gonna stunt our growth?

Yetta, you promised you
were gonna quit smoking.

She also promised she wouldn't eat

anything gassy before we left.

Meanwhile, did you get a
seat on the express bus?

Oh, it is a wonder

I have any class at all.

Oh, there's that floss.

These cookies for us?

Sure, Nana. Help yourself.

So, Yettie, did you talk to Ma?

Oh, sweetheart, please,

throwing that bum out was the
smartest thing she ever did.

She should have married Alan King.

Ma knew Alan King?

No. That was the hitch.

Yetta, you rest.

Nettie, did you talk to Dad?

Why should I? I like
having my baby home again

in his little room, in his little bed.

Oh, God, don't tell me you're bathing him.

He's such a good boy.

There's a bulb I couldn't
reach to change for years,

but now that your father's
there, he gave me a boost.

I can't believe you
guys. You're so selfish.

Mom and Dad splitting up isn't about you.

It's about me.

Look what you did. Look what you did.

- Franny...
- Franny,

you want a pep'mint?

Okay.

Do you want an... ashtray?

Where did I get this?

The Hilton. Oh, sure.

Oh, forget it.

I'm just gonna talk to Daddy myself.

Come on, Nettie, we're
gonna go to your place.

I can't have people over.

I've got nothing in the house.

I suppose I'll bake some cookies.

I love my apartment. It's so cheerful.

Sure. It's like living
inside a Hostess Snowball.

Oh, don't sit down, Nettie.

I'll never find you.

Where is he?

Uh... uh, try the bathroom.

It's the pink door.

I'm gonna start the cookies.

Now, come on, Dad, you know that Mom

and you are meant to be together.

I mean, what are you gonna do?

Start sitting at singles bars,

picking up on babes,

hoping that they notice how
much time you put into your hair,

and all the makeup, squeezing
into that tight dress.

It's pathetic... oh, wait a minute.

Hot cookies!

I don't want things to change.

I want my parents back together again.

Mom in the kitchen and Dad in the den,

his hair in the bedroom.

Daddy, come out of there.

What are you doing in there?

Me.

Ma. In the bathroom?

Well, it is the room he
feels the most comfortable in.

Geez, spare me the details.

I'm just happy that you and Daddy

got together again and made up.

Twice.

Thank you for your hospitality, Nettie.

Tramp.

You better believe it.

Mr. Sheffield, I'm home!

Oh, thank God, nothing ever changes here.

Where are you, my dependable, stable,

Rock of Gibraltar, stodgy, uptight,

totally predictable...

Oh, my God!

Is that my blouse?

Dad? Dad, there's this really
great party tonight and...

Okay, it might last until : a.m.

But before you start yelling and calling me

"young lady" and forbidding me to go...

Of course, Margaret, go ahead.

Have a wonderful time.

Oh, Dad, you're so strict.
You never let me do anything.

All my friends are... what'd you say?

I'm cool.

I don't want to dis your plans.

Do you know why I'm doing this?

You're toasted?

No.

Well, perhaps I'm not quite as predictable

as some people like to think I am.

- Margaret?
- See you.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, I
know what you're doing,

and believe me, I'm very flattered,

but don't go changing to try and please me.

No, Miss Fine. You were right.

I was far too boring.

I need to mix it up. Keep 'em guessing.

No. I miss boring.

I want it. I need it. I gotta have it.

At the risk of slipping
into my old routine,

what the devil are you
talking about, Miss Fine?

I thought you wanted me to change.

Change a little. A little is good.

It's like Michael Jackson's face.

Should have stopped after Thriller.

Well, I happen to like the new me.

Oh, come on, you don't want Maggie

going to that wild, out-of-control party

any more than I want Gracie
going on a play date by herself.

Oh, I'm fine with Margaret going.

Till : in the morning?

- She's an adult.
- With a strange boy?

I trust her.

He's a Kennedy.

Margaret!

How could you let me do this?

- Well, I was gonna say...
- Look at me.

I'm dressed like Doc bloody Severance

with my Friday tie on a Tuesday!

Life with you is the most
convoluted, exasperated...

Go ahead and yell.

That's stable. That's healthy.

Hello, Mrs. Lombardi, is Gracie there?

Oh, no. Let her play. Let her play.

Uh, yeah. Just tell her
that the doctor called.

It definitely is chicken
pox, and not to scratch her...

Oh, you want me to come by and pick her up?

I'll be right over.

Coming, baby.