03x24 - The Cantor Show

[bunniefuu]

- Oh, Niles.
- Hmm?

(EXCLAIMING) Friday night, dressed to k*ll.

Going to temple to pray for a date?

Ma said they've got a new cantor,
and he's single and gorgeous.

I'm hoping for a religious experience.

Does anyone in your faith
ever take a vow of celibacy?

Just me.

But I decided that I'm taking
Maggie and Gracie with me.

I think that it's important that they learn

how people of other religions pick up men.

Oh, by the way, the airline called.

I'm afraid they can't locate your suitcase.

Oh, it doesn't matter. That's why
you never put anything important

in the baggage that you check.

Well, it's automatically insured for $ .

But stupid me had to put
that $ watch in there.

When did you get a $ watch?

Tomorrow.

Well, sorry, I can't join you and the girls

on your pilgrimage to find
single spiritual leaders,

but Dad and I are gonna go
see the Padres play the Mets.

All right. See you guys.

All right. Well, Brighton and I

are off to see Pagliacci at the Met.

Oh, isn't it funny how people
just hear what they want to hear?

Yes. One of the pitfalls of a big house.

What did Brad Pitt call the house?

Okay, Fran, I'm ready for temple.

Honey, it's only Friday night services.

We're not fleeing Anatevka.

* She was working in a
bridal shop in Flushing, Queens

* 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out

* in one of those crushing scenes

* What was she to
do? Where was she to go?

* She was out on her fanny

* So over the bridge from
Flushing to the Sheffield's door

* She was there to sell
makeup, but the father saw more

* She had style! She
had flair! She was there!

* That's how she became the nanny!

* Who would have guessed
that the girl we've described

* was just exactly what
the doctor prescribed?

* Now the father finds her beguiling

* Watch out, C.C.!

* And the kids are actually smiling

* Such joie de vivre!

* She's the lady in red when
everybody else is wearing tan

* The flashy girl from Flushing

* The nanny named Fran!

(GARY SINGING IN HEBREW)

Oh, Ma, is he hot stuff or what?

Look at this.

My M&M's melted in my hand.

(SHUSHING)

Calm down. It's in Hebrew.

What, are you afraid you'll miss something?

Bravo! Bravo!

All right, it's over. May the games begin.

Okay, now, honey, remember,

when you see me talking to the cantor,

what are you gonna do?

I'm gonna rush over and say,

"Excuse me, miss, are you Julia Roberts?"

Remember, project.

Fran, I'm starving.

I thought you said it
was a Jewish tradition

to have Chinese food at temple.

After temple, honey, after temple.

Here's a ham sandwich.

Don't eat it till you
get to the parking lot.

And if anybody asks, it's smoked turkey.

Gary, gorgeous service.

Sylvia, it's always a joy

to sing the wonders of God's universe.

Yeah, yeah. I want you to meet my daughter.

Ma, don't be so pushy.

Hi, I'm Fran.

I'm Gary, and I don't think
I've seen you here before

because I would have remembered.

Well, I've been temple shopping, you know.

Nothing's really popped,

but I haven't been here

since I was a kid in Sunday school.

When was that, Ma? years ago?

Please, years ago, she
was baby-sitting my Rachel.

You're lucky that we're in temple, Sara.

So, Cantor, Gary,

I work for Maxwell Sheffield,
the Broadway producer.

If ever you or your wife
want to get theater tickets...

Oh, I'm not married.

No! No!

But I love the theater,

so if you'd like to
come with me sometime...

Yes! Yes!

Excuse me, miss.

Yes, little girl?

Are you Julia Child?

BACHARACH: * 'Cause
I'm always gonna be there

♪ I'm always gonna be there

♪ For you, girl

Oh, bravo! Oh, bravo!

Bravo! Oh, what a finale, huh?

Now, that's, that is why
you get Burt Bacharach.

Oh! And imagine how it'll sound
when we get someone who can sing...

like you. Boy, you're good!

I hope you know the way to San Jose.

Oh, Burt, this is so exciting.

You know, the last
person to play that piano

was Marvin Hamlisch.

You're gonna do a show
with Marvin Hamlisch?

- No, no, no, no, no. It was a... a social thing.
- Yeah.

You had a party for Marvin?

No, no, no. It wasn't a party.

- It was, uh, an awards thing.
- Yeah.

Marvin got another award?

Oh, Miss Fine!

Uh, please, come and, uh,
come and meet Burt Bacharach.

Oh, Mr. Bacharach, hi!

I have all of your albums.

Oh, my father was always so jealous of you.

He wanted to be a songwriter?

No. He wanted to marry Angie Dickenson.

Oh, I'm sorry. Everybody, I
want you to meet Gary Isaac.

This is the new cantor at my temple.

Mr. Bacharach, I'm a big fan of yours.

You know, sometimes at temple
when things get too solemn,

I do one of your numbers.

♪ I say a little prayer for you

♪ Forever, forever, you'll stay in my heart
♪ And I will love you

♪ Forever, forever, we never will part
♪ Oh, how I love you

♪ Together, together, that's how it must be

♪ To live without you

♪ Would only mean heartbreak for me ♪

One more time.

Yes. Well, that was very nice.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Lovely. Now, run along, Nanny Fine.

Wait a minute. I want him in the show.

Run back. Run back. Run back.

Uh, you're hired. Congratulations.

You're in a Broadway show.

Well, thank you. Thank you.

I never thought anything
like this would happen to me.

I... I... I'm just a cantor. Here.

You have an agent at William Morris?

I did his son's bar mitzvah.

And I've got to tell you, I was smoking!

Oh, Gary, I'm so excited for you.

You know, you are going
to sell out every night.

The women are going to love him.

They're gonna line up
outside the stage door

just to slip you their numbers.

You know, we don't even know
if the man can dance, really.

Niles, looky here,

a $ check just fell
out of the friendly skies.

Miss Fine, have you ever thought

that taking this check
might be construed as fraud?

Well, I don't know,
Mr. Fourteen Dependents.

And it's not easy for me to support
them considering I'm a student.

Now, would you get out of my home office?

I'm going.

Ma invited me and Gary to dinner tonight.

She's even taking the plastic
covers off of the couch.

The last time that happened,

we found her macramé string bikini.

Your mother used to wear a string bikini?

She still does. You just
can't see it anymore.

I'm so sorry, Sylvia.
You think it will stain?

What, Rabbi, red wine?

Please, it's a blessing.

And the chewing gum that you tracked in

on the carpet will come out

with the peanut butter
that you got on the chair.

Rabbi, you got to try this blueberry pie.

- No!
- No!

This is what your mother
calls an intimate gathering?

Well, you know, ever since
you and I have been going out,

Ma's kind of become the Candy
Spelling of Temple Beth Shalom.

I haven't seen your father. Where is he?

Oh, he's right over there.
Whoops, he just dropped a fork.

Hi, Daddy.

You know, Gary, once you
become a big Broadway star,

it'll be parties like this every night.

But you better drink some coffee

because this crowd could
go till : maybe : .

Franny, you are so adorable.

Have I thanked you for
everything you've done for me?

Honey, wait until I've done everything.

Then you'll really have
something to be thankful for.

I can't believe all the
celebrities that are here.

These two, their cousins
own Wilson's House of Suede.

Don't gawk.

They like to be treated like normal people.

Why don't you sing something for us?

Well, I'd love to, Sylvia, but, first,

I have an announcement to make.

- Oh, Gary!
- Oh, my God!

Everybody, quiet, quiet.

My daughter's boyfriend, the cantor,

is gonna make an announcement.

Morty, take the gravy
boat away from the rabbi!

My friends,

I truly believe that being a cantor

was the most rewarding thing in my life.

And then I met Fran.

(EXCLAIMS)

Fran, I... I want to tell you something

and I hope that you can accept

(EXCLAIMS)

my deepest thanks for
making my dreams come true.

- And?
- And?

And I want you to be the first to know

that I'm leaving the temple
to pursue a career on Broadway.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

He's leaving the temple?

WOMAN: It's all Sylvia's fault!

GARY: * Baby, I still love you

♪ I'm just giving up to

♪ Change my mind

♪ Maybe you could change my mind

♪ If you want to stop me

♪ It's decision time

Oh, Gary, you're fabulous.

I just wish I could
offer you a larger part.

But, you know, you're still gonna
stop the show in the second act.

Do I get my own dressing room?

Oh, good. You do comedy, too.

Oh, Maxwell,

it's your worst nightmare!

Oh, will you stop announcing
yourself? I'll be out of a job.

The lead in our show got hit by a bus!

C.C., you can't be serious!

Oh, my God, this is a disaster!

We're just gonna have
to put on the understudy.

Maxwell, aren't you going to ask how he is?

Oh, yes, of course.
You're right. How is he?

The understudy stinks!

♪ ... I walk away

♪ Or we save this love tonight ♪

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

That a man just d*ed. Life is short

and we should go upstairs and just...

Hire Gary.

Hire Gary?

Kinky.

Oh. You mean for the show.

Okay, Ma, you could
take off the sunglasses.

I need somebody to
recognize me from the temple

so they can give me the evil eye?

Ma, you can't wear a
disguise. You're not like me.

You have a very distinctive voice.

I'll keep them on. Thank you. I can see.

Go play with your brother
and the little one.

That haircut is awful on her.

Ma, look, I cannot tell
Mr. Sheffield to fire Gary.

I don't make his decisions,

tell him what do, run his life.

We're not married.

Without Gary, the temple is going under.

Blockbuster Video already
is measuring the parking lot.

Fran, you are looking at the star
of the new Burt Bacharach musical.

Oh, honey, that is so... oh...

Chick-a-pee, chick-a-pee.

I'm sorry. I rented Nelly yesterday.

Listen, Gary, why don't you go
get measured for your costume?

Well, now that I'm playing the lead,

I guess my salary sh**t up, too.

Oh, there's that comic timing again.

Uh, Mr. Sheffield, you know, I think
that you're taking a big chance with Gary.

I mean, we don't even know him,

and the show is like your baby.

I mean, would you trust your kids

to the first stranger that
walked off the street again?

Miss Fine, the man is a tremendous talent.

He's gonna be the biggest star on Broadway.

He'll be rich and famous.

You know, Ma, temples we got.

But a Blockbuster in the
neighborhood could be a blessing.

Listen, you two, I want my cantor back.

My friends have disowned me.

My life is over. I want to die!

Does this have almond extract?

Well, I'm sorry, Sylvia, but he's my star,

and I want him in my show.

I have a contract.

Ma, you're just gonna have
to accept this like a grownup.

Besides, it's two against one.

It's not two against one.

I have a higher power on my side.

You'll see.

Ours is not a merciful God.

Oh, don't listen to her.

Oh, what the hell is
a locust doing in here?

Boy, it's been raining

for seven days and seven nights.

- You don't think your mother was right?
- Shut up, Val.

God is forgiving, Miss Fine.

When I was a boy,

I once took five shillings out of the
collection plate at church for toffee.

And nothing happened to you, right?

That's right, absolutely nothing.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to go wash other peoples' underwear.

Oh, Miss Fine, just listen
to the advance publicity

I'm getting for my show.

"Maxwell Sheffield has struck
gold in newcomer Gary Isaac."

Then it goes on about Burt
Bacharach blah, blah, blah.

Who cares? Who cares? Who
cares? And here at the end,

"Maxwell Sheffield has assured himself

the big new hit of the season!"

(EXCLAIMING)

Well, so much for your mother
putting a whammy on us, eh?

On the contrary, it seems God has
sent us both a nice Jewish boy.

Oh, you know, I was never worried.

I mean, if God listened to a word Ma said,

I'd be living in a mansion with a
handsome millionaire and gorgeous kids...

She forgot to say married?

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Oh, I'll get it. I'll get it.

- Hey, Franny.
- Gary!

Mr. Sheffield was just
reading me the article.

No. It's already in the paper
that I'm flying off to do a movie?

(THUNDER RUMBLING) What movie?

I'm doing a part in Evita
for Andrew Lloyd Webber.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

Oh, no. I... I knew it. I knew it!

Andrew Lloyd Webber is God.

Gary, you can't just
walk out on Mr. Sheffield

without giving him at
least two weeks' notice

and an engagement ring.

Now, wait a minute, Miss Fine.

You know, we're... we're
behaving dreadfully.

I mean, this is the opportunity
of a lifetime for Gary

and... and we should wish him well.

Maxwell, thank you. Thank you.

You know, Fran, my whole
life, all I ever thought about

was settling down and getting married.

And then I met you, and
you changed all that.

How ironic.

Well, have a safe flight.

You're going in this weather, I hope.

Oh, can you believe this guy?

Doesn't he know how much money

has already been invested in him?

I mean, musicians have been hired.

Rehearsals have been scheduled.

People have been working around the clock.

And that's just for my wedding.

What about your show?

Oh, don't worry, Miss Fine.

Gary isn't going anywhere.

He has an ironclad contract.

Was that Gary I saw getting into a limo?

Oh, well, I'll have him sign his contract

at the theater tomorrow morning.

No rush.

Well, it seems it's
happened again, hasn't it?

You see, I... I let you
get involved in my life.

A... at the time it
seemed like a good idea,

as it always does,

but then it isn't!

I haven't finished with you yet.

But first, I have to go
bludgeon C.C. with a Tony!

(EXCLAIMING)

Fran, maybe God is getting even with you

for taking the cantor away from the temple.

You mean because Mr.
Sheffield wants to k*ll me

and now I have no boyfriend?

Nah, there's nothing out
of the ordinary about that.

Oh, my God, look!

I missed the Loehmann's
year-end clearance sale.

Why are you doing this to me?

We've been exiled to Siberia.

Look at them staring at us.

I used to sit up there with
those vicious backstabbers.

We had a ball.

FRAN: Oh, my God!

Debbie Berkowitz got engaged?

Who am I? Job?

Ma, a BLT?

Nobody can see us back here.

I could throw a luau.

Anyway, you got a little
mayo on your mouth.

Darling, I can't wipe my face with a...

$ check?

Oh, give me that.

This is the money that I got
when I scammed the airlines.

Why is God punishing me?

What was my crime?

(GASPS) Hello.

Oh, no. It's ridiculous.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

Donation to the temple!

Donation to the temple!

Here, Rabbi, take it.

Find yourself a new cantor.

God bless you, Franny.

Don't tell me. Tell him!

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Mrs. Newman just told
me she's moving to Boca.

We're first on the list for front-row
seats for the high holy days.

Fine. The engagement is off!

Boy, he not only works in mysterious ways,

he works like that.

Darling, I'm so glad that
we're back on his good side.

So am I, Ma. Let's pray.

- Find her a doctor.
- Find me a doctor.

- Find her a doctor.
- Find me a doctor.

- Find her a doctor.
- Find me a doctor.

- Find her a doctor.
- Find me a doctor.