09x07 - Thanksgiving IX

[bunniefuu]

FRANKIE: When you're cooking
for Thanksgiving,

timing is everything.

You want to wait till that perfect moment

when the center is warm

and the edges are crispy
and golden-brown.

[SIGHS]

I might have left it in too long.

So, we're finally eating that?

We're almost that poor, but not yet.

No, this is my Thanksgiving tradition.

I heat the quilt in the oven
till it's warm enough

for the sweet potatoes to go in,
and then the warm quilt

helps my stiff neck.

When you have a -year-old
pillow, you need that.

And a -year-old neck.

Okay, it's Thanksgiving. Pace yourself.

Once we get to Janet's,
we have to look like

the happiest married couple on Earth.

That would be a lot easier to do
if we weren't at Janet's.

Hey, it's not my first choice, either,

but it's closest to mom and dad's,

so that's where we're doing it.

Get these away from me.

Look at this. Did you charge $ .

to some place called RNJ?

RNJ?

Yeah. That doesn't ring a bell.

What day was it?

November th.
What were you doing that day?

I don't know. What do we do every day?

Probably watching TV.

Are you sure it wasn't yours?

Not mine.

This seems like one of those fraud things

where they steal your number
and do some little

test charge before they go wild

and buy a bunch of flat screen TVs.

I had better call
the credit-card company.

This could take a while, so I don't know

if I'm gonna be able to make it
to Janet's for dinner.

Nice try. You're going.

♪

Keyshawn, your potato is ready.
Your potato is ready, Keyshawn.

Enjoy your Thanksgiving potato.

And come back tomorrow for our
leftover turkey sandwich potato.

It's bread, turkey,
stuffing, and mashed potatoes

inside a day-old potato.

Uh, Sue, someone needs
to clean the bathroom.

The plug-in air freshener's

fighting a losing battle in there.

You know, this sounds like
a job for the new guy.

Why, yes! I believe you're right!

Oh, new guy!

[SIGHS]

Um, Axl, the bathroom has
to be cleaned once an hour.

Didn't you read the manual?

And you didn't de-crust
the cheese nozzle.

Now we have to use the real cheese.

Yeah, I'm not doing that.

When I was asked to work here, it was put

into my contract that I do not
have to do gross stuff.

Ow!

No, you were not asked to work here.

You begged to work here

because you got fired
from being a bus driver.

And we all have to do gross stuff, Axl.

Everything here is gross.

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

Well, looks like Axl's gonna luck out

'cause our shift's over.

Great. Let's hit that tip jar
and get out of here.

Okay, Axl, before you
get your paws on it,

the way it works is
we split the tips evenly,

and if it doesn't come out even,

we rotate who gets the extra penny.

Oh, if that's a prayer,
I'm gonna be so pissed.

"Happy Thanks-taking.

We took your tips."

I'm filled with ire, but I love
this guy's handwriting.

You sure we're in the right parking lot?

Yeah, yeah, I told
the kids to meet us outside

the abandoned Penney's.

Or did I say the abandoned Sears?

What about the abandoned Wet Seal?

No, that's been gone a while.

They turned it into a Claire's Boutique,

and now it's a Marine recruiting center.

Well, they'll find us.

Oh, by the way,
I called the credit-card company

and had them take that $ charge off.

It turns out that RNJ
is just the parent company

of some coffee place
called the Golden Bean.

And I told them,
"We don't drink fancy coffee,

so that couldn't be us."

Oh, yeah. That was me.

What? I thought we agreed

we'd only have coffee at home,
at school events,

and the Jiffy Lube.

Look, I was stressed
from taking care of my mom

and I passed a coffee place and I said,

"I want a damn coffee."

Yeah, that's how I said it in my head.

I said "damn."
That's how much I wanted it.

It was a one-time thing, okay?

Don't you ever want to treat yourself?

I don't see the point.

You get used to nice things,

and then you got to come back to this.

All right, listen up.

First of all, Happy Thanksgiving.

Secondly, great work today.

Thirdly, somebody's fired.

- Yeah. What?!
- What?!

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

So, uh, you may have noticed

I haven't been around much lately.

Turns out my trip to New York
to audition for "SNL"

did not go as planned.

I guess my aunt riding up the elevator

with Bobby Moynihan
isn't exactly the "in"

I thought it was.

Anywhoo, I'm gonna be around more,

so we don't need as many
minimum-wage employees.

Now, I've been
agonizing over who to fire,

when I thought, "Wait, I can't do this.

You guys are family."

So figure it out amongst yourselves.

♪

- How was work?
- Oh, my gosh, Mom,

you are not gonna believe this.

Edwin said we have
to decide amongst ourselves

which one of us is gonna be fired.

How are we supposed to do that?
Who's it gonna be?

- Sue.
- Sue.

What?! No!
I'm the one who found Spudsy's.

I've been there for years.
It's like family.

Okay, then Brick's got to go.

- Why me?
- Uh, for starters,

I can see over the counter.

Stop moving the step stool.

Look, I'm a college graduate.

I need a paying job in order
to contribute around the house.

Sue just needs to go shopping
at Forever Dork, and Brick,

instead of using his money
to buy friends,

blows it all on
"Planet Nowhere" figurines,

thus continuing his cycle
of friendlessness.

Look, as soon as you get another
job, you're gonna quit anyway.

Why not just quit now?

I can't get a job unless I have a job.

Nobody wants to hire
someone who's not working.

But you don't know anything.

You keep over-storing the sour cream,

which makes it separate
back into liquid and powder.

Brick's always stealing
the plastic forks!

Mom tells me to do that!

Mom, you get it, right?

Axl should resign.

No, no, no, no. Don't drag me into this.

It's never a good idea for
a parent to take sides.

I love all of my children equally.

I'd fire Brick.

- Mike!
- What?

Sue was there first, and Axl has a point.

He's an adult, and he needs a job.

Ha! In your face!

Well, I guess it's over. Dad decided.

No, no, not, "Dad decided."

I distinctly remember
Edwin saying we have to decide

amongst ourselves, and Edwin's our boss.

At least until he's
the new cast member on "SNL."

Ohh, he really is good.

He does a spot-on
George the security guard.

[SOUTHERN ACCENT] "Mall's
closing in minutes!"

[CHUCKLES]

[NORMAL ACCENT]
Well, you have to be there.

- Do I have to be here?
- No, Brick's right.

Edwin left it up to us.

All in favor of Sue quitting,
raise your hand.

- Mm.
- The people have spoken.

- Sue is out.
- Uh, you can't do that.

I can't, and I did.

That doesn't make any sense!

Your face doesn't make any sense.

Oh, shut up, shut up your stupid mouth!

All right, that's enough!

Why is it every time
you people get in the car,

you have to start fighting?

- We don't always fight.
- Yes, we do.

- No, we don't!
- I'm pretty sure we do.

Remember last time when
I put my foot in your face?

- Ugh!
- Or was it the other foot?

Ugh! Or maybe it wasn't feet.

Maybe it was my butt!

- Don't!
- Ohh!

Don't! Oh, you like that?

Oh, my God! Fine!
You want a butt in the face?

How about I put my butt
in your face, huh?!

Hello? Feel free to jump in
with some parenting.

All right, stop it! Stop it!
Put your butts in your seats!

Your dad can't drive
with all this racket!

If dad doesn't want to drive, I'll drive.

No, Brick, you're not allowed.
Remember the cow incident?

Yeah, but that was a year ago.

Honey, we would let you,
but you have to be .

I turned three weeks ago.

Oh.

- ♪ Happy birthday to y... ♪
- Save it.

Come on. Let me drive.

Sorry, buddy. We don't do that on trips.

Yes, we do. Sue got to drive.

I don't remember what trip we were on,

but I know she got to drive.

I believe that was
the one where you made us take

a side trip to see your
Internet hillbilly girlfriend.

Oh, right!

I wonder if she's still single.

Anyway, I guess you're right.
I don't have to drive.

Mom and dad can just
take me everywhere I need to go

for the rest of my life.

Hey, this isn't fair.

Why am I the one
that's stuck in the mid...

[TIRES SQUEALING]

♪

Should I put down seven or eight
seconds for my driving log?

I don't know. My heart stopped at four.

Oh, tollbooth.

Okay, let's see. I got $ . .

How much do you need?

cents. All right.

Hey, give me the extra cents, too.

- Why?
- Well, it's Thanksgiving.

I think I'll do something nice

and pay for the car behind us.

Aw, that's sweet!

We're gonna pay for the car behind us.

Hey. It was my idea.

I was gonna say that.

Tell them we said,
uh, Happy Thanksgiving.

- That was all you, baby.
- Yeah.

Isn't your dad sweet?

- That was so nice.
- Hi!

[CHUCKLES]

- Let's see.
- Oh! Oh!

They're coming through.
They're coming through!

They're through. They're speeding up.

- Here they come!
- They want to say thanks.

Aw!

♪

That was not the reaction I expected.

I know. They were just plain rude.

[SCOFFS] It makes you not want
to do anything nice for people.

I mean, I know it was just cents,

but you could at least give a wave.

I just think it's sad 'cause it's like,

"What are you teaching your kids?"

The message is, "Go do dr*gs,
kids, 'cause it doesn't matter."

Yeah, and Brick could have really used

that cents 'cause
he doesn't have a job.

[CHUCKLES SARCASTICALLY]

Whoa, I'm below empty.

Better pull in up here.

Wait, is this the car
with the broken gas gauge?

No, that's your car.
This is the one where

the needle broke off the speedometer

and fell down into the cr*ck
where I can't get it out.

♪

[DEVICE BEEPS]

Sorry, uh, it's declined.

♪

Okay, well, thanks
for the minutes on hold

and being no help.

[SIGHS] Turns out 'cause I called in

the fraudulent charge
which wasn't fraudulent,

they canceled the card, and
they're sending us a new one.

So, when's it arriving?

A drone's delivering it any minute.

- Hmm.
- Oh, for God's sake,

it's coming on Monday.

[GROANS] I'm starving.
Where's the blue bag?

Did you bring the blue bag?

The new blue bag is yellow,
and I have no idea where it is.

I don't get it. I had bucks
in here, and now it's gone.

Oh, I took it.

What? Why?

I mailed Cindy $ to get back with me.

Brick, if Cindy comes back
to you because you paid her,

she's basically a prost*tute.

Well, yes, but she's my prost*tute.

Frankie, how much cash you got?

Where's my wallet? Oh, sh**t.

At the last minute, I switched
to a cross-body purse.

See? This is a cross-body.

I wanted it to look nice
to impress Janet.

Cross-bodies are cuter
and younger-looking

- because cross-bodies...
- Stop saying "cross-bodies"!

Axl, Sue, Brick, what do you got?

I spent all I had on Cindy.

I was really counting on
that tip money that got stolen.

Yeah, I don't carry a wallet
when I'm around you guys.

You made me go on this trip,
which technically means

I'm a child, and right now
this child could seriously

use some chips and a cold beer.

Look, is there any way
you could kind of just spot us

bucks for gas.

We're only going another miles,

and we're coming back
on the same route on Sunday,

so we can pay you back then.

We're going to her sister's
house, and we all hate going.

We don't hate going. It's just...

She's just challenging.

I would like to help
you out, but I can't.

Okay, well, um, what about this?

What if we leave something of value

and... and swap it out
for cash on the way back?

Good idea. What do we have?

- Uh, half an ice scraper.
- Half a shovel in the trunk.

Hey, hey, hey, look,
I don't own the place.

I just work here.

They have rules and cameras.

That fish is one.

If I don't do everything by
the book, I could lose my job.

I'm sorry.

Excuse me. I couldn't help
overhearing your conversation,

and it being Thanksgiving and all,

do you mind if I just cut in front of you

and pay for these?

Excuse me.

So, what do we do now?

[SIGHS] Well, Janet
can't come and rescue us

'cause she's got to help with mom.

What about the Donahues?

We're not gonna ask
the neighbors to drive two hours

on Thanksgiving to give us gas money.

I'd like to keep the sliver
of dignity I have left.

Oh, my God, you guys,
do you see that sign over there?

"Road maintained by Dan Quayle"?

What? No, no, no, no, no. Farther down.

The mall sign.
There's a Spudsy's-on-the-Go!

I bet they'll help us out.

It says in the manual
we're all a big family.

Yeah.

Okay, go. See what you can do.

I'm gonna call
the credit-card people again.

And, Frankie, if you see a nice trucker,

hike up your pants and show
them your non-bruised leg.

Non-bruised.

Hi! Okay, I know this sounds crazy,

but we are Spudsy's employees,
and we're really in a jam.

And we're getting paid on Wednesday.

So, is there any way
you could call corporate

and see if we could get
an advance on our checks?

Yeah, I'm not doing that.

- Ohh.
- What?

Why not?

We're from the Orson branch.

Our manager is Edwin.

Yeah? What's his last name?

He's very funny.

He does a great impression
of George the security guard.

[SOUTHERN ACCENT]
"Mall closin' in minutes!"

[LAUGHS]

Look, I promise we work here.

Our uniforms are in the car.

Can we just borrow like
$ from your tip jar?

You really want to prove you work here?

We all signed a pledge
never to reveal the ingredients

of Spudsy's secret sauce.

Tell me what they are, and I'll
give you what's in the jar.

Okay, um...

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, I'm blanking.

Why am I blanking?

Brick! Help!

Uh...

I know it.

And if I get it right,

I get to be the one who keeps the job,

and you two losers get to
fight it out amongst yourselves.

- I'll take that bet.
- Me too.

He doesn't even know the state bird.

Oh.

Basil, oil, onions, garlic, emulsifier,

ranch dressing.

The cardinal.

That's correct.

Oh, yeah!

I gets to keep a minimum-wage job.

Ooh!

Ooh!

♪

[SIGHS] Now this guy's
saying that to get access

to your account, he has to
know your favorite movie.

Oh, gosh, it's either "Wizard of Oz"

or "Overboard."

It's funny... If you would
just sit down and watch it.

[DOORBELL CHIMES]

Mom! Dad! We got money!

I just hope it's enough.

[GASPS] Wow, where'd you get all that?

Well, I was able to procure cents

from a fellow potato engineer's tip jar.

And the rest we got
from the mall fountain,

at least until the
security guard kicked us out.

He wasn't as funny as George,

not the way Edwin does him, anyway.

And I know it's bad
to steal from a fountain,

so I threw a penny back in
and wished for God

to forgive us for taking the money.

[COINS RATTLING]

One, two, three...

Oh, hey, guys, when we're sitting around

the table saying what we're thankful for,

nobody say stealing from mall fountains.

Aunt Janet doesn't need to know that.

That's okay.

I already got something
else to be thankful for.

I have secured my position
as a Spudsy's employee.

I was able to recite all the ingredients

of the secret sauce...
something that two giant

Spudsy nerds could not do.

I still don't know how you did it.

Um, 'cause I'm smart. The first letter

of all the ingredients...
basil, onions, oil, garlic,

emulsifier, ranch dressing...
spell "booger."

Ohh!

And then there were two.

Of course that's how you did it.

You are such a child, Axl.

Unlike you, I am an adult,
and I will defend my job

in an adult manner... you butt!

Not me. You choked
'cause you're a choker.

Choker!

Am I getting in your head? Huh?
Am I getting in your head?

Can you guys stop
fighting for two seconds?

[GASPS] Mike, the car from
the tollbooth's ahead.

Catch up to them.

Catch up to them? Why?

I don't know.
Maybe they didn't see us before.

I mean, somebody paid their toll.

That doesn't happen every day.

- Eh.
- Yeah, no, no, no.

Go give them a little honk.

- No.
- Yeah, go do it.

No! Get... get...

[HORN HONKS]

- What are you doing?
- No, listen,

this is gonna be great.

[HORN HONKS]

♪

Oh, my God. Did you see that?

That was so mean.

What is wrong with the world?

You pay somebody's toll,
and that's how they repay you?

Yeah, the world's a rough place now.

In my day, people would go out
of their way to help you.

They'd stop what
they were doing and... and...

and give you a push
to the service station.

If you needed gas,
they'd give you some gas,

send you on your way.

You'd pay them back when you could.

Maybe with a dozen eggs or something.

I know! What is going on?

Like that stinky mall person
stealing our tip-jar money.

I'm not surprised.

Everybody is stealing now...
tip-jar money, identities.

That's why credit-card
companies assume fraud,

and in order to get into your account,

you have to remember that "Overboard"

is your favorite movie.

- [ALL GROAN]
- It's good!

I'll bet Cindy never even
got the letter I sent her.

Obviously, the mailman
took it and stole the money.

But as the weird kid,

I don't find human cruelty
as surprising as you guys do.

You know, I am almost
always on mankind's side,

but right now mankind
is making it real hard

to stand up for it.

Well, you better get used to it

'cause that's the world we're living in.

All right, all right, all right, let's...

let's not go down this rabbit hole.

It's Thanksgiving,
and we still have a lot

of things to be thankful for.

[BRAKES SQUEAK]

Name one.

[HORNS BLARING]

Oh, I'm starving!

We should have bought
chips at that station.

[HORN HONKS]

Oh, that's right. Honk.
Why didn't we think of that?

That'll get a jack-knifed
semi out of the way.

Seriously, my stomach is eating itself.

Ohh, come on, Brick.

You know I deserve the job more.

Just give up and quit.

No, you quit.

Ugh!

Okay, I'll make you a deal.

The first one to throw
one of these little paper balls

and get it to stick
in dad's hair wins the job.

Deal?

I'm in.

Knock it off.

Okay. [GRUNTS]

Good news is nobody got hurt.

The bad news... We are gonna be
stuck in this forever.

But guess who I saw about six cars up.

A chip delivery truck?

The tollbooth jerks.

- [GASPS]
- No! Were they mean?

Did they apologize?

No, they acted like
nothing even happened.

- Idiots.
- Slime balls.

- Meanies.
- Par for the course.

Yep, this turned out
to be a great Thanksgiving.

World... one. Hecks... zero.

That's it!

What's she doing?

What are you...?

♪

There's no way we're making it
to Janet's, so I'm eating.

♪

Mmm! Mmm!

- Mine!
- Oh, hi.

No, I just saw that you were eating,

and, you know, I've got some stuffing.

Clearly, I'm not making it
to my cousin's for Thanksgiving,

so I thought you might want some.

Oh! Wow! Thank you!

And by "mine," I meant mine to share.

These are my famous twice
marshmallowed sweet potatoes.

Here. Help yourself.

Thank you. Don't mind if I do.

Hey. Are we sharing food?

I've got rolls.

Oh, thanks!

Ooh, stuffing!

I've got cranberry sauce.
Would anybody like some?

Yeah!

Thanks. Um, okay, I'm sorry.

I just have to say something.

You're bringing over cranberries
after you flipped us off?

Wait, that was you?

Oh, we were scared
because you were chasing us

and honking and driving erratically.

We were afraid it was a road-rage thing,

what with the way
the world is these days.

[CHUCKLING] No, we're not road ragers.

We're Good Samaritans.

We just wanted to see your reaction

after we paid your toll.

What?

You didn't pay our toll. We paid it.

Uh, no, we did.

We told the tollbooth guy,

"We're paying for us
and the car behind us."

- He didn't tell you?
- No, we just paid him.

But that's so sweet of you
to pay our toll.

Thank you.

Sort of restores my faith in mankind.

Oh, it's nothing. Happy to do it.

We're not in it for the thanks.

You got to try my sweet potatoes.

Oh, okay.

I don't know.

Maybe there is a lot
wrong with the world,

but there's a lot right with it, too.

Okay, Brick, I think
I have a way to settle

this Spudsy's thing once and for all.

[SIGHS] Whoever gets the big side

of the wishbone gets to keep the job.

The little side quits.

Fair?

Fair.

[VOICE BREAKING] Congratulations, Brick.

You won fair and square.

I'll turn in my uniform on Monday

and erase my name from the schedule.

That's why we write it in pencil.

Wait, Sue, don't do that.

I'm the one who should quit.

What? Why?

[SIGHS] It means more
to you than it does to me.

Plus I keep licking the potatoes.

They're gonna catch me eventually,

so I might as well quit now.

It started out 'cause they were salty,

but then it became this thing where

I convinced myself that
if I didn't lick them,

mom and dad would die.

Brick, you can't lick the potatoes.

Man, you are such a weirdo.

Call me weird, but I've
got two living parents.

I mean, sure, it's easy
to stay in your car

and complain about
what's wrong with the world,

but the truth is when you get down to it,

we all want the same thing...
to get where we're going

to be with the people we love.

So if you get out of your car
and actually talk to folks,

you realize we're all in it together,

and maybe the world is
just one spontaneous

tailgate Thanksgiving away
from all getting along.

This time of year makes me think of

all the Thanksgivings we've shared.

♪

Aah!

♪

♪

♪