05x17 - Young & Motorcycle

[bunniefuu]

I am so excited to go to work today.

Well, not the work part,
but the going part,

because I get to ride my
brand new used motorcycle!

- Gabi, I'm freaking out.
- Oh, don't freak out.

You know I used to ride
with my aunt all the time.

Which is why he gave me his motorcycle,

because my aunt is now my uncle,

and he can't ride it anymore,
because it's pink.

Do you really think
that's why I'm freaking out?

Gabi, tonight is my third date with
Nick, you know what that means?

Mmm, yes I do. ♪ Bow-chicka-wow-wow ♪

Yes, we're going to engage in

bow-chicka-wow-wow for
the very first time,

and you know, it has to be amazing.

Don't worry, okay? It's gonna be fine.

You've done this a thou...
Hun... handful of times.

But those handful
were amazing, were they not?

Well, I don't wanna toot my own horn,

but I did toot theirs pretty damn good.

Heh! That's my girl!

And you know what else
is gonna be amazing?

Uh, knowing that your best
friend has confidence in you

and believes in you?

And won't be here tonight?

Oh. All right, no problemo,
I will stay at Josh's.

When I show up
on my brand new motorcycle,

it's gonna get his motor running,

and then I'm gonna show him
some dangerous curves.

Ah-toot toot!

If you don't say anything like
that to Nick, it's gonna go great.

Josh...

Gabi, one second, I'm a little busy.

I have a super sexy surprise for you.

I like super sexy surprises.

- Where is it?
- Downstairs.

- Is that a euphemism?
- No.

And before I tell you
it's in the parking garage,

that is not a euphemism, either.

Okay. Are you ready?

I'm ready. I'm ready!

All right. Open your eyes.

Ta-da!

- What's this?
- My Uncle Chris gave me his motorcycle!

How great is it?

I... think it's bad.

Yeah, right, it's super bad.

I mean, look at it, it's so cool!

Wouldn't say cool.

Yeah, you're right.
It's more hot. (LAUGHS)

You wanna take a ride with me?

Nope.

- What do you mean, nope?
- I mean, get rid of it.

You're not ridin' this motorcycle.

- What?
- I won't allow it!

I'm sorry, what, Dad?

See if I ever take you downstairs again!

And that is a euphemism!

♪ She in the spotlight ♪

♪ And she turn my head ♪

♪ She run a red light ♪

♪ 'Cause she bad like that ♪

♪ I like that ooh, baby, ooh, baby ♪

♪ Baby, I like that
ooh, baby, ooh, baby ♪

- (CHUCKLES)
- (CAMERA CLICKING)

- (LAUGHS)
- (CLICKING)

- (LAUGHING HARDER)
- (CLICKING)

Oh, Yolanda.
Look at these pictures of me.

What's different?

Ooh, what's different
is you look skinny! (LAUGHS)

You must've gotten a defective tablet.

I know. Where was this thing
when I was online dating?

I could've done way better than Alan.

I'm sorry, Gabi, I will not
let you ride that motorcycle.

You won't "let" me? You won't "let" me?

Ooh, they're fighting.

I hope it's the big one.

You are going to hurt yourself.

No, I'm not, okay?

I used to ride with my uncle
all the time,

I have a motorcycle license!

Do you know why doctors
refer to motorcycles

as "donor-cycles"?

Uh, because it rhymes?

Because percent of organ donations

come from dead bikers.

Ohh. Well, then I'm gonna be
fine, because I'm not a donor!

You are missing the point!

- Which is...?
- I said no!

No motorcycle for you.

Are you kiddin' me?

Gabi's a grown woman,

and you can't tell her what to do!

(QUIETER) Uh, boss.

I support Josh a hundred percent.

And maybe someday,

I'll give him one of my organs.

As your boss, I'm instituting
a no-motorcycle policy,

starting right now,
and that goes for all employees.

I'm not gonna watch you k*ll yourself.

I'm not gonna k*ll myself. Josh,
there are so many ways to die.

I mean, I could... I could
get caught in a riptide,

I could get struck by lightning,
I could die in a plane crash.

But you never do, Gabi.

You never do!

That Ethiopian place was great, right?

Yep, it was pretty great.

I helped the owner get his green card,

so he makes it extra spicy for me.

Ehhh, how many green cards
did you get him?

So, uh, should we, have a drink, or...

- Um...
- skip it?

(STOMACH GURGLING)

What was that?

Um, that... That was me.

Arrrarrr...

(LAUGHS)

(STOMACH GURGLING)

Yeah, I definitely heard something.

(MOTORCYCLE ENGINE)

Mo... That's a motorcycle!
That's Gabi's new motorcycle!

Hey! Wow, those things are loud!

Wasn't she supposed
to be staying at Josh's tonight?

Yeah, well, maybe something went wrong.

(WHISPERS) Please, God!

Sorry! Sorry! I know tonight's
your special night.

I'm just grabbing my PJ's and then
I'm gonna sleep at Yolanda's.

Oh, wait, why are you
sleeping at Yolanda's?

Josh and I had words.
All of his were wrong.

- I'll fill you in tomorrow.
- No! Uh...

Fill me in now. You two had a fight?

- You can't hold this in all night.
- Oww!

Okay, I'm real... I'm sorry...
Listen, I don't wanna

ruin your special night
of bow-chicka-wow-wow.

You have to, um, (WHISPERS) help me.
(STOMACH GURGLING)

Oh... Oh, my, ah, Sofia,
you know me too well.

I am a total mess!

And I need my best friend's
shoulder to cry on!

Why don't I give you guys a little

privacy, I'll, uh, wait in the bedroom.

(GASP) No, no! No no no, no, no.

I need to, uh...

I need to cry in all the rooms.

Yes. It was a very big fight.

Oh, no, that is terrible!

Nick, uh, this pains me.
But, um, Gabi's a wreck.

Could we maybe try this again tomorrow?

Over ginger ale and clear broth?

- Um... if that's what you want.
- Mm-mm.

(STOMACH GURGLING)

Gabi, y... you still may have to sleep
over at Yolanda's house tonight.

- (KNOCKING)
- Come on, Yolanda, let's go!

Damn, girl, I thought
you were the police.

I almost flushed my stash!

All right, are you ready
to go to work on the bike

that Josh didn't want me to have?

Oh, good. So you're over it.

I started to get over it, and
then I started thinking about it.

H... He's not worried about me,
he just wants to control me.

- What?
- He's always tellin' me what to do,

what time to get there,
what he wants for breakfast,

what he wants for lunch, what time
he wants all those meals served.

- You're his chef!
- Oh, don't take his side!

Gabi, trust me, if that boy
wanted to control you,

he'd just make that bike disappear.

Oh my god, where's my motorcycle?

Oh, that boy's tryin' to control you!

And get away with it?

Well, he's in for a rude awakening.

Hell, yeah, he is. I just don't
think he's ever gonna admit it.

Oh, he's gonna admit it.
As long as we go

in there, and do exactly
what we planned.

All right. Let's cr*ck this bitch.

Whoo-hoo! That was one
hell of a motorcycle ride

- to work, Yolanda.
- Oh, hell yeah, it was.

Last time I had somethin'
vibrate that hard

between my legs, it had batteries.

Wait... you rode the bike to work today?

Yeah. Yeah, Josh, we did.

Why? Does that seem odd to you?

No. What seems odd is that not only
would you ride the bike to work

knowing how against it I
am, but that you would

saunter in here and throw it in my face.

Uh, uh, Gabi, um, what's happening?

(WHISPERING) Just stick to the plan.

So, uh, Josh, where were you
last night, huh? What'd ya do?

I was here all night.

Aha! You were here all night!

Uh... All night. Uh, maybe
he didn't take the bike.

(SIGH) Oh, he took it. I'm
gonna get him to admit it.

- How?
- You took my bike, admit it!

What are you talking about?

(IMITATING JOSH)
Wha? What are you talking about?

Please. This morning I went
down to where I parked my bike

last night, and it was gone.

So you're blaming me?

Well, you're the one who took it, so...

No, I'm not!

Yesterday, you had a
huge problem with my bike,

and then today, coincidentally,
it gets stolen?

Wow. I never thought you
would stoop this low.

I did not stoop, I'm no stooper!

And I don't appreciate being wrongfully
accused of something I didn't do!

Now, I'm gonna be in my office in
case anybody wants to come in there

to apologize for falsely
accusing me of somethin'!

Wait a minute. I'm confused.

If he didn't take the bike, who did?

- What do you know?
- Nothing.

- Where's the bike?
- I don't know!

I know you know somethin'.
You're avoiding my gaze.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I love the gays.

Give it up, Elliot. You know something.

All I know is how sexy
I look on my "SkinnyPad."

Oh. Oh, really, here,
lemme, uh, lemme see that!

Hey, give me back my SkinnyPad!

Tell us where you put the bike.

I told you, I don't know.

I'm done playin' around.

No! No! Nooo!

Don't drop it, please!

It's the only camera that gets me.

Without it, I'm nothing.

Hm. Where's. My. Bike?

Okay! It was me!

I stole it! Josh made me!

Son of a bitch!

I knew it!

Now give me my SkinnyPad, and
I'll show you where your bike is.

(NASAL VOICE) Oh, wow,
brunch was amazing.

You're amazing. I loved that you
wanted to take a personal day

so we didn't have to wait
till tonight to get personal.

Oh... I love that you bought me
these, uh, flowers. (SNEEZES)

Uh, you know what keeps them
fresher longer?

Putting 'em outside.

Well... my dad brought my mom
lilacs on their fourth date,

and they've been together years.

I think it's a tradition worth keeping.

Oh my god, that is so... sweet.

Are you sure you're okay?

Oh, yes, everything's perfect,
everything's great.

Uh, uh, nothing's gonna
ruin this perfect day, dammit!

Looking at you, it already is.

Oh my god, are you crying?

- A little.
- Ohh...

(SNEEZES)

Um, would you mind getting a bottle
of, uh, champagne from the fridge?

I love day drinking.

(CHAMPAGNE CORK POPS)

God, when's this thing gonna kick in?

- Hi.
- Hi.

Oh god, you're cute.

Oh. You're cute. (GIGGLES)

You ready for that champagne?

Hello?

(SNORING)

(CLINKS GLASSES)

It's back here under this tarp.

Now gimme back my SkinnyPad!

Oh, my precious.

That is not my bike!

What are you tryin' to pull?

I swear to god that's where we put it!

Someone must've actually stolen it.

Okay, in this building
full of millionaires,

someone came down here, saw an old bike,

and stole it? No, I don't think...

Wait a minute. Did you see Josh when

we left? Where was Josh when we left?

I did not see him.

I did not see him either.

- Do you think he...?
- Oh, I definitely think he...

Oh, I know he...!

Where's my phone?
Where's... Oh, I lost my phone,

gimme your phone, gimme your phone!

(PHONE RINGING)

JOSH: Elliot, this better be important.

I need both my hands
to ride this motorcycle.

Ohhh, so you can ride
the motorcycle, but I can't!

- Gabi?
- Yeah. I knew you stole it!

Yeah, I took it and I'm not sorry!

- This old thing is dangerous,
- (TIRES SCREECHING)

- and... Ahhhh!
- (CRASHING)

- Josh?
- (PHONE TURNS OFF)

- Josh?
- What happened?

Oh my god, I lost him!

Well, maybe he's in a tunnel.

A tunnel with a light at the end of it?

Hello? ? I think my boyfriend

Was in an accident.
He's on a motorcycle.

Well, actually, it's my motorcycle.
My uncle, who used to be

my aunt, gave it to me, but it's
really old, and so my boyfriend

didn't want me riding
it, and so he stole

it, and then I called him, and I think

I made him get in an accident!
You have to find him, - - !

Oh. I'm sorry.

That was - - .

Ronnie! This guy wiped
out in front of the bar.

Ow, pain! Ow, pain! Ow, pain!
Ow, pain! Ow, pain!

Relax, man. Ronnie's a nurse,
she'll take good care of you.

Well, you're still walkin' and talkin'.
Can't be that serious.

Yeah, but he did smash
his pink bike up real good.

It's actually my girlfriend's bike.

Hey, we accept all kinds here.

The only reason why I'm riding
it is I told her not to.

I told her it was too dangerous
and look what happened.

Well, lemme see. All right.

Ooh. That's some serious
road rash there.

Oh, yeah, a little blood.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Lemme see.

I can take a little blood.

Oh wow. Yeah, here I go.

(THUD)

(STARTLED)

Oh my god, you're still here.

- And you're dressed.
- Yeah.

And I'm dressed. Oh, no!

It didn't happen again.

No. You passed out after taking
too much allergy medicine.

(SIGH) I was just supposed to
stop my sneezing, not my, uh...

Well, I mean, we can still do the, uh...
what you just did.

We can?

Okay!

- Here we go!
- Yeah!

(LAUGHS)

- (PHONE RINGS)
- (NICK EXHALES)

- (PHONE RINGS AGAIN)
- You wanna get that?

- Nope.
- (PHONE RINGS AGAIN)

'Cause it rang a couple times
while you were asleep.

(SIGHS) Dammit!

Okay, bring me to my phone.

(PHONE RINGS AGAIN)

Wait a minute, this isn't even
my phone, it's Gabi's phone...

Oh, well, she must've grabbed
the remote by mistake again.

(PHONE RINGS AGAIN)

Oh my god, where is he? Why hasn't
he called? Why hasn't - - -called?

Would you calm down?

My god, if I had only listened
to him in the beginning,

he never would've taken the bike!

Oh, don't blame yourself.

You're right. Elliot, why
did you help him steal it?

Because I hate you and I love him!

It was a win-win.

Oh god. I hope nothing
happened to his pretty face.

Oh my god. I love him so much!

I... I've never loved anyone
as much as him.

I mean, what if something horrible
happened? I can't take this!

- (PHONE RINGS)
- Is that Josh?

Sofia.

(PHONE RINGS AGAIN)

Sofia, you're never gonna
guess what happened.

Wow, that's a really good guess.

Ooh... I don't know what happened.

I never faint like that.

I'm normally not queasy about anything.

- Spider...
- Where? Get him off me! Get him off me!

Oh, no. It's the bartender.
His name is Spider.

Yeah. I know.

Hey, Spider.

Oh my god, Josh.

My love. Are you okay?

- Ooh.
- Called it.

Oh, there's my baby.

Josh? Hey, are you okay?

- I'm fine.
- (SIGHS) Good.

- Are you sure?
- I'm positive.

Good, good. What is wrong with you?

What the hell were you thinking?

Do you know how dangerous that is?

Riding a motorcycle is dumb,
Josh, it is so dumb.

Oh, not... not you guys, just him.

How'd you guys even know I was here?

Oh, I hope you don't mind,
I took the liberty

of borrowing your phone
to call your ICE.

- His ICE?
- His "in case of emergency."

You're the first number on his phone.

I'm your ICE?

You're my ICE. (LAUGHS)

Of course you're my ICE. Most
important person in the world to me.

Why do you think I didn't want
you gettin' on that bike?

Yeah, I know now. It's not because
you were control-y, it was because

you were worried about me,
because you love me.

Yeah. I love you.

I love you, too.

I don't have any ice.

Aw, I'll be your ICE.

I'm talkin' about my drink, fool.

It doesn't have any ice,
now go get me some.

Go get it yourself!

I'll take a picture of you
with your SkinnyPad.

Standing at the bar?
With my booty popped out?

- Done.
- (LAUGHS) Yay!

I mean... (CLEARS THROAT)
(DEEPER VOICE) Yay.

Sup.

Gabi? You can let go now.

No, I can't.

So, what are we gonna do
about this bike?

Oh, I'm never getting on that
thing, and neither are you.

- Are you telling me what to do?
- Yes.

- So you can control me?
- Yes!

- That's not fair!
- Kiss me!

- But I'll do it.
- Okay.

Oh, uh, hey, does anybody wanna buy
a gently used pink motorcycle?

Called it.

Josh? Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Yeah, he's all right. Just a
little scrape on his leg.

Everything's under control.

Wait wait wait wait wait.

So uh, I called you
when there was an emergency,

and nobody called me
when it turned out not to be?

I'm sorry, I had a lot on my mind.

Oh, you're sorry? Gabi, I
was just about to have sex.

- Let's go.
- Hold up. Mm-hm.

Listen, um, I'm secure and all,
but I'm a little confused here.

Are you sure you want this to happen?

Yes! I want this to happen! I want
this to happen more than world peace.

- I need my phone...
- (DEMONIC VOICE) Shut up, Gabi!

Look... the reason
that we haven't slept together

is because... I really, really like you.

We haven't slept together because
you really, really like me?

You wanted to make everything perfect,

and I wanted everything to be perfect,

- and then I got insane diarrhea.
- Oh.

And then I got allergies, and
that was just not so perfect.

- I really need my phone...
- (DEMONIC VOICE) Get away from me!

Sofia, our first time doesn't have
to be perfect. Just memorable.

I'll take memorable, but...

Hm.

(QUIETLY) You ever done it
in a biker bar bathroom?

Conducting a lewd act in a public place

is a violation of Penal Code .

Sounds memorable to me.

They're gonna have sex.

Called it.