03x03 - Episode 3

[bunniefuu]

Do you know what I still don't get?

Why?

Why. I mean, sure, we had our ups
and downs but things were going

really good. Then suddenly, he
goes all mystical on it and what?

That's it? What's that about?

Well, we wish we could help you, love.

I just don't get why.

Yeah, we know.

(DOOR CLOSES)

(GENTLE ROCK MUSIC PLAYS)

I thought the music was
a sign she'd moved on.

From the desperate need to understand?

Yeah, from there.

(MUSIC STOPS)

I prefer the quiet Shay, I think.

She is still alive, isn't she?

Well, she was at, like,
am this morning.

(GENTLE ROCK MUSIC PLAYS)

And that answers that. I have to
go to school. Over to you, Father.

Thanks for that.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

I wish I could recall the
first time I got dumped.

I'm sure it hurt like I'd
remember that pain forever.

But the truth is, I don't.

So I guess I picked myself up

and moved on to new ways
of getting it all wrong,

because no one ever gets love
right the first time, do they?

(GENTLE ROCK MUSIC PLAYS)

- You awake?
- Mm.

I made some breakfast for you.

I'm not really hungry.

It's my job as a parent
to nag you to eat.

And I will. Just later, okay?

Can I cut this music? Just for a moment?

(MUSIC STOPS)

You know it's not good, you
stagnating in here, right?

- I'm okay, Dad.
- No. 'Okay' is not what I'm seeing.

Yes, getting dumped sucks, I know that,

- but letting it get to you...
- Do you?

- Sorry?
- When has anyone ever,

for no reason, dumped you, Dad?

Well, look, I'm sure it's
happened. But my point is...

If it had, you'd remember how it feels.

Yeah, well, I'm sure I would.
But my point is, if you wanna lie

here and let it get to you, you
are the one making it worse.

Not Ike you.

I know it hurts, I can see
that much. But all I'm saying

is you need to get up and get outside.

The old parental fresh air cure.

It's a start, Shay.

When you get to the bottom,
you've got to start somewhere.

And leaving your room and
going outside, that's a start.

Over to you.

Honestly, you'd think Weld was
in the middle of nowhere when it

comes to hiring staff. That English
teacher I told you about, remember?

Ahh, yeah...

She chose Stafford Boys'.

Can you imagine? Place is a zoo.

Anyway, I'll see you when I get back.

Oh. All right, see ya.

- I am such a terrible person.
- You? No, you're not.

Here am I, rambling on. I haven't
even asked you about your day.

Oh. Monty wants a quote for
installing some solar panels, so.

- That's great.
- Yeah.

- See ya.
- Catch you later.

Oh! And tonight, do you
wanna maybe sit down

with a calendar and go
through some wedding dates?

Only 'cause people are hassling me.
You know what they're like.

Oh. Uh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, sounds like a plan.

I thought they'd broken up.

- They got back together again.
- And then they broke up again.

Yes, that pretty much covers it.

But she's, like, way more devastated
about it this time than last time?

Well, last time she was more just angry.

And this time, she's a bit of a wreck.

And she hasn't even bottomed out yet.

- "Bottomed out."
- Shut up, Jared.

Well, she seems pretty low to me.

She thinks she's hit
bottom but, she hasn't.

- You'd know this, how?
- Because I'm a girl, duh.

- And she's been dumped heaps.
- Did you not understand the words

'shut' and 'up'?

Trust me. You think Shay's

miserable now but it'll get
worse before it gets better.

Sorry. Sorry to interrupt.

You forgot your soup.

Maybe I didn't want soup today.

But you love soup.

Maybe not today.

Well, I've made it for you.

Where's your teacher?

We haven't actually had a
form teacher in a while now.

- Why not?
- Because we're the Numpties?

Well, why should that make a difference?

- Um, because we're the Numpties?
- Why didn't you tell me about this?

Because if I did, you'd go
around yelling at people.

It is not always Billy's
class that misses out.

It sure feels like it.

Katie, we are a country school,
which means finding staff

is something I spend
way too much time on.

I'm a siren, trying to lure
would-be teachers onto the rocks

of Weld District High.

Yes, I get that but meanwhile, I'm...

I'm sorry, but do you actually get it?

I am trying my best here.

Yes, I do, actually. I remember
what it was like at the kohanga reo,

trying to find staff that
weren't borderline insane.

You taught at kohanga reo?

- Many years ago.
- But you taught at a school.

At a Maori language preschool,

and a little bit of primary,
and some intermediate.

But not secondary.

But you have a practicing certificate.

Had, I had one. Many years ago.

We can renew your certificate.

I need bodies, Katie,
in front of students.

And the teaching plans are done,
you just need to implement them.

- Anybody'll do.
- Thank you. I think.

And the money's actually not
that bad, for what the job is.

Come on, Katie.

I win, you win and you will be
a great asset to the school.

This is you doing your
siren thing, isn't it?

Can you start today?

Young love, first love,
call it what you will,

has the special quality
of persevering over time.

Many years down the track, it
will haunt you and torment you

and lead you back down roads you
don't actually want to travel.

Did you tell her?

Why do you have to ask me
that every time I walk in?

Just in case you've come to your senses.

Well, as I've explained, George, okay?

The time for me to tell her that

has gone when I asked her to marry me.

- I'm still not buying that, Woody.
- Yet here you are, working away.

In the absence of any other sane idea.

And I feel really weird about
doing it in a stranger's house.

Yeah, and I've explained to you,
the Johnsons are cool. All right?

- I'm doing up their spare room.
- But we're not, are we?

- How's Shay?
- No change.

- And don't change the subject.
- All right, then.

Well, how are we getting on?
Progress report number one.

Mary Kelly. Not an uncommon
name, by Australian standards.

- Thanks for that, Woody.
- Well, it could be worse, okay?

- It could be 'Mary Smith', mate.
- What a silver lining.

No worries.

So, I've been looking through
all the online phone books,

which I'm dead certain are nowhere
near accurate, but you've got to

start somewhere starting with
the last place that you saw her.

Tambo. Heading west on the A ,
I'm standing at the servo,

can see the taillights, and
regretting a few choice words...

Yeah, yeah, starting
there and working out.

I've got a list of all the
Mary Kellies and their numbers

in the area, including one in...

Tambo.

Mate, that can't be a coincidence.

Well, yes, it can.

The chances of it being a
coincidence are pretty high, actually.

I'm calling her.

- (BEEPING)
- Okay.

G'day. Is there a Mary Kelly there?

Right.

She's dead.

Yeah, but is it her?

Right. Sorry, mate. Sorry to hear that.

Um, was your Mary Kelly...

Did she happen to be long-legged,
sort of beautiful...

Is your grandma.

It's not.

Who am I? Woody.

Yeah, nah, I'm actually
trying to track down my wife.

It's a long story, actually
and... Ah, just hang on a sec.

Look, it's a long list. If you tell
everyone your life story,

then we're going to have a phone
bill which is off the planet scary.

Yep, yep. Hey, I'm sorry
for your loss, mate.

I've actually gotta bolt. See ya.

You see, Woody, how this
is not going to be easy?

Mate, that was the
first one off the list.

Yeah, of hundreds. And
what if she's remarried,

- changed her name?
- Well, then she'll be a bigamist,

and that's everything
I'm trying not to be.

Tell Tracey.

Nah.

- (BEEPING)
- Try another one.

- Hey, it's alive.
- There's no food.

Have you looked in the fridge?

I'm looking in the fridge.
There's nothing I want to eat.

Okay, well, that's different
to, "There's no food."

I don't care. I want food.

Sorry, and what am I
supposed to do about that?

Go get me food?

Or come here and make me food.

Or, try this on for size.

Just go to the SuperStore
and buy some food.

- I don't have any money.
- Dad always leaves money in the jar.

And plus, if you leave the house
then he'll ease up on nagging you

about leaving the
house. Yeah, it's win-win.

Okay, I'm sure some of you
already know Ms Bell.

Some of you better than others.

But, as of today, she will be
stepping in to teach English.

And also as your form teacher
for those of you in WEK.

Yes, Billy?

Don't you have to be
qualified, to be a teacher?

That is being taken care of.

And if there are no more
questions, I'll leave you to it.

Okay. So, I understand that you're
doing Shakespeare this term.

'Romeo and Juliet'. We're working
through the Leonardo version.

- Leonardo da Vinci?
- DiCaprio.

- Watching the movie.
- Oh.

Well, that doesn't seem right.

You do have actual copies, though?

- Yes, Jared?
- Copying films is illegal.

- No, I mean copies of the play.
- Yes, we do.

Okay. Well, then let's get
them out, shall we, and read.

Oh, it's been bloody good
chatting to you, Mary. And I hope

your lumbago eases up so you can
get yourself back to those bowls.

Yeah, righto. See ya.

- She was a really nice lady.
- Phone bill, Woody.

I'm a chatty kind of guy, George. Okay?

Who's next?

Yeah. Kelly. Mary Kelly.

Are you sure? Because, yeah,
this is the number I have for her.

Well, a possible number,
on a very long list.

- Hello?
- (BEEPING)

That was rude. She hung up on me.

Right.

- (MOBILE RINGING)
- Smiler's calling.

George, shut up.

Hey, mate. What's up?

Yeah, where are you?

Um... uh, just heading
up to Monty's place,

- like we talked about.
- Really?

Doesn't sound like you're in a vehicle,

the wind rushing in your hair...

Yeah, that's because I pulled
over to talk to you, mate.

Is that so?

Yeah, we really need to get
some of that hands-free stuff.

That way we can drive
and talk at the same time

might be more efficient.

And I don't have to pull over every
time we want to have a natter.

Why? Whereabouts are you, mate?

Behind you.

Okay.

Um, when I proposed to Trace,
I forgot that years ago,

when I was young bloke, living in
Australia, I was already married.

And it didn't end well, so George
is trying to help me find her

so that I can get a divorce
and then I can marry Trace.

I have only one thing to say to you.

That he should man up and tell Tracey?

Why did you not come to me for help?

Genealogy is my passion.

- But what about opera?
- Alongside opera.

Gotcha.

If you want to find this woman,
genealogy is the way, my friend.

Okay, great. Great. 'Cause George's
phone thing, it ain't working out.

Morning, Shay. Plenty of ideal
first homes if you're looking.

Oh, well, worth a cr*ck.

- Why would we want to farm alpacas?
- For the wool.

Sean, we're not going to
suddenly start farming alpacas.

But, alpacas are enchanting animals.

- Aren't they?
- Aren't what?

Alpacas. Enchanting.

With soulful eyes.

- Are they like llamas?
- No! Llamas are ugly and brutish.

Ignore him. Every time he has a bad
day at work, he comes up with some

harebrained scheme about
what he could do instead.

But alpacas are the
way, I tell you. They are.

Hi.

- Hi.
- Ah, you go.

I gotta grab a couple more things.

- Hey, Siouxsie.
- Hi.

- How's your dad?
- He's thinking of getting

- solar power installed.
- Cool.

What does he think of alpacas?

He's doesn't like them,
ever since one bit him.

No, that would've been a llama.

No, it was an alpaca.

Right, that is $ . , thanks, love.

Um, this is all I have.

- I can get the rest.
- Er, no, no.

- I'll just put something back.
- Hey, look, it's sweet, I can get it.

I don't want your pity, okay?

I don't want anything from
you or your family, okay?

Actually... actually,
you know what? I do.

An explanation, that'll be good.

It would be good to know why
your son dumped me that would be

good to know, because I, for
one, have no freaking idea.

One minute we're all good and
the next, he's off in, what?

Just this weird, whacked out headspace

and then suddenly it's all
over. I don't understand why.

You want to help me, Zac? Tell me why.

He's been through a pretty
traumatic experience, okay?

I know! I was there for him when
he needed me, whatever he needed.

But instead...

instead, I just...

I just get dumped.

I've done nothing wrong. Nothing!

He said he loved me. How does that work?

That's not love. That's... I
don't... I don't know what that is.

♪ I love all of your ideas ♪

♪ You love the idea of me... ♪

The thing is, Woody, to find the woman,

we've got to find her parents,

because the older you are,

the bigger mark you leave on history.

Yeah, no, but I don't want to find
her parents, mate. They hated me.

They were the whole reason we
got married and we ran away.

- (MOBILE RINGING)
- They just really hated my guts.

Hello?

George, Brenda here from the SuperStore.

Um, look, we've got a bit of a, um...

- Situation.
- problem down here.

I guess it's the freshness,
the intensity of young love

that makes it hurt so
much when love dies.

There's no precedent, so no way
of knowing how to deal with it.

Well, that was epic.

Is Zac still out there?

He's not sure what to do but
he wants to hang around

until he knows you're okay. The
curse of being a nice guy, I guess.

And I shouted at him.

Yeah, you did.

Which is why he's confused.

Brenda gave us these, in case
we're in here for a while.

I can't go back out there.

Figured as much.

You don't have to stay.

I like the cold.

And the quiet.

My best guess is that you deal
with the pain of a young love

put to the sword by
taking a deep breath,

so you can keep moving,

trying to hold on to your
dignity as best you can.

"Have saints not lips,
and holy palmers, too?"

"Ay, pilgrim, lips that
they must use in prayer."

"O, then, dear saint, let
lips do what hands do!

"They pray. Grant thou,
lest faith turn to despair."

"Saints do not move, though
grant for prayers' sake."

"Then move not while my
prayers' effect I take."

- "He kisses her."
- (CLASS GROANS)

Okay, I'll stop you there.

But you see how Shakespeare built
a sonnet or a love poem into the...

- (LAUGHTER)
- Something funny, Jared?

Hey, Turner.

Your sister went mental
at the SuperStore.

...and suddenly it's all over.

Instead, I just get dumped.

And we may have reached bottom.

Hey, George. Pull up a beer.

There's heaps to choose from.

I'll probably just grab my
daughter and go, actually.

Or you could do that.

We should hang in here more often.

You want to talk about this
here or should we go home

where it's a little bit warmer?

- I don't want to talk about it.
- Yeah, but I think we should.

Is he still out there?

Zac?

Yeah, but I suspect he's a bit more
embarrassed about this than you are.

Oh, I so doubt that.

Then there's everyone else who
probably thinks I'm a freak.

No, they don't.

- Yeah. Yeah, they do.
- Shay, I'm sure they understand

- what you're going through.
- Then they're way ahead of me.

I hate this.

Feeling like this.

Yeah, I know.

I mean, we've had fights before
and we've broken up before,

and that sucked.

But... this is way, way worse.

You must think I'm nuts.

Not at all.

Raving at people.

Your mother was the same.

Well, not in front of you guys.
She was very careful about that.

But every now and then, when
she reached boiling point,

when someone crossed her
path or wronged her...

No way.

One Christmas Eve, we had to
go to a shopping mall because

I'd forgotten a present that a
certain little girl absolutely

had to have, so things were a bit
tense, even before we started

circling the nine levels of
hell that was the car park.

And then this guy in a Range Rover
jumped into this parking space

that we'd seen first.

And your mother was out of the car

and yelling at him through the
window. And it was an epic rant.

It covered everything from
inconsiderate driving to his smug

sense of entitlement, to, somehow,
the deforestation of the Amazon

rainforest, for which he was
also somehow responsible.

And?

And he saw the error of his ways
and went off to find another park.

And Laura got back in the
car and burst into tears.

That's not really anything
like me today, though, is it?

But it's a good story.

Can we get out of here,
before we freeze to death?

Thank you.

Sorry.

It's okay.

Don't worry that she was a bit short.

Yeah, yeah, her parents owned heaps
of buildings. All over the place.

Yeah, both deceased.

Yeah. Yeah, they were getting on a bit.

Every time the old man used to
go off at me, I used to think

his ticker was going to explode.

And they've got one daughter.

- That's her!
- Yeah, but her name's not Mary.

Oh, bugger!

It's Rosemary. Rosemary Kelly.

That's her!

I thought you said her name was Mary.

It is. Rose-Mary.

Everyone else called her Rose, I
called her 'Mary' because of all

the Marys in the Bruce Springsteen
songs. Yeah, we loved Bruce, mate.

'Mary Queen of Arkansas',
'Mary's Place', plus, of course,

the famous Mary from 'Thunder Road'.

Oh, mate. Mate, her and I, we
danced up a storm to that one.

Which is as it should be.

But should I ask why you have set
up some sort of command and control

centre in the Johnsons' bach?

Because Woody... has married an Aussie,

in a young-love-rush-of-blood-to-the-head

way and, well, he forgot
that when he asked Tracey.

So for him to get married
again would be illegal.

Indeed.

So it's just a matter of
finding her and just getting

- a quickie divorce.
- Without Tracey finding out.

Ideally, yeah, yeah.

George reckons that we
should just tell her.

- That could go very badly.
- Thank you.

Our thoughts exactly.

Give me what you've got and I
can track her by day's end.

(BELL RINGS)

Okay, we'll continue this discussion,

about the actual play,
next time we meet.

- Okay. She's not replying.
- Well, if she's seen it,

she's probably flushed her
phone down the toilet.

- Yeah, okay, I should go home.
- Not like we have anything else.

- Do you not have another class?
- No.

This is when we'd go to work
experience at the restaurant,

but since that shut down...

'Cause of George Turner.

...now we just hang
here till the final bell.

Doing what?

Usually Jared says stupid
stuff and we mock him.

- Shut up.
- No, no. That's no good.

I'm going to go. I'll see you later.

Dad, I get that food is your go to
thing to making us feel better,

but I'm really not hungry anymore.

Okay, but if there's
anything you want...

To rewind time so I never
left the house this morning?

Beyond my powers. Sorry.

- Hey, Arlo.
- Hey.

- Hey, how you doing?
- Ah, your sister had a bit of a rough

- morning this morning.
- Yeah, I know. I saw.

- What?
- No.

- No, no, no, no, no.
- Sorry, I'm lost.

There were these stupid girls
in the SuperStore and they...

Tell me they didn't.

- They did.
- Did what?

- You're a meme.
- A what?

Here.

(BEEPING)

He said he loved me and...

Stop it, please.

- Please just stop it.
- Is that on the internet?

- Yes, Dad.
- Well, we have to delete that.

No, no, once it's out there,
you can't get it back.

Wake me up when we
move to another planet.

I mean, or you can just get over it.

Excuse me?

I know it sucks but, it's done. Right?

I mean, that is you bottoming out.

So, I don't know, isn't the next
thing you need to do, like,

change the narrative?

Get things moving in
an upward direction?

Stirring speech, little bro.

She just needs time.

From what I see, what
she needs is answers.

Hey, can I get a lift to work?

Sure.

Hey. Sorry I'm late.

Oh, that's okay, Arlo.

I was half expecting
not to see you today.

- Oh, no, duty calls.
- Okay.

- How's your girl?
- You've seen the internet.

No. What about it?

The kumara vine.

Yeah, she's not that good
at the moment, actually.

That's to be expected.

In fact, I need to get home, so...

Sure. Hey, tell her,

you know, if she wants to talk to
someone who's been through it...

Right. Okay.

Oh, no! I don't mean you and me.

Although, actually...

No, it's not the same.

Sorry. I just meant, you know,
woman to woman, kinda thing.

Okay. Okay, well, I'll pass that on.

Yeah. Okay. That just...

George! George!

Well, I've got...

Constable Tom's on his
way. He's got news.

- About she whom we seek.
- Tom knows about it?

- Yeah, he has news.
- Woody, does it occur to you that,

at the rate the number of people
who know about 'she whom we seek'

is expanding, it's only a matter of
time before Tracey hears about it?

It's only the four of us, George.

Yeah, but there was
only two this morning.

Nah, we're sweet.

Does the phrase 'the kumara
vine' not mean anything to you?

That's only for stuff that people
know about. This is secret.

- Yeah. How's Shay, after today?
- That, see?

- That, that's the kumara vine.
- No, that's Twitter, actually.

- Really?
- If I was your sidekick, you could

stay at the bar all day while
I took care of business.

I will take that on board
when I make my decision.

Not that there's a decision to be made.

Ahh, but there will be.

I have news.

See?

Don't ask me how because,
strictly speaking, civil liberties

were infringed in the process,
but in the name of love.

I have two photos in this
envelope of Rosemary Kellies.

Rosemary Kelly's what?

- What?
- Rosemary Kelly's what?

Rosemary Kelly's house?

Of two women named Rosemary Kelly.

Oh. Sorry. I misplaced the apostrophe.

- I thought it was clearly implied.
- Can we have a look at the photos?

Oh! No, no, no. That's not her.

Good. I didn't want to
have to break the news,

she won't be out for six years.

Yeah, that's her.

I have an address and phone number.

Oh! Oh. Hey. Hello.

- I wasn't expecting to see you.
- I just popped by to have a drink

with Katie and celebrate her first day.

- She's my new relief teacher.
- Oh, great.

- Oh, how is Shay, by the way?
- You heard?

- Can't keep a secret in this town.
- Yeah, that is true.

Yeah, she's at home, recuperating. I
was just dropping Arlo off at work.

Hey. Any news on the
wedding date, or the ring?

We're working on it. Aren't we?

Yes, we are. Actually,
George and I were just

about to jump in the surf and
have a talk. Weren't we, George?

Well, I was going home to
cook dinner for Shay...

Yeah, that first. So we'll
just quickly go and do that.

Sorry, babe, we've gotta bolt. See ya.

(LAUGHTER)

Sorry, mate. I was freaking out

that Mary was looking up at
Tracey, through the envelope.

Can I add to the list of
ways this could go wrong

that you are clearly very
bad at keeping secrets?

Yeah, we should go and
see how Shay is, eh?

- Okay, but what if she does?
- I don't know, Woody.

What if she likes being married,
mate? Like, I don't know why...

Woody, Woody, Woody. Shay is here.

Yeah, I know, that's why we came here.

And she doesn't know about the...

Oh. Yeah, yep. Sorry. Sorry.

Hello?

- Shay?
- Shay!

- She's not here.
- Okay, good, so back to my question.

What if Mary doesn't
want a divorce, mate?

I don't know, Woody.

You're going to have to talk
to Mary first, before we

- can answer those kind of questions.
- Yeah, true.

(MOBILE RINGING)

Hey, Dad.

- Hey, just got home. You're not here.
- Yeah, I kind of got sick of staring

at the ceiling, so I went for a ride.

- Good, good. That's a good thing.
- Yeah, I hope so.

Woody and I were thinking
about going for a surf.

You don't need my permission, Dad.

I know. Unless there's
something you'd rather we did.

Dad, go surfing. I'll see you at home.

- Oh, and, hey, I figured it out.
- What?

Why you kind of don't get
what I'm going through.

Well, it's not that I don't
know how you feel, but...

It's okay, Dad.

You don't get it because
you never got dumped,

because Mum was your first love.

Then I do know how much it hurts.

Yeah. I know.

Go surfing.

Hey, Shay.

It's okay, I'm not here
to go crazy at you again.

- I didn't think you were.
- Sorry about that. Again.

It's okay. I totally know
where you were coming from.

Yeah, well, that's more than me.

Ike!

You can relax.

I'm not going to shout at
you like I did your dad.

Well, probably not.

And I didn't come here to beg you
to take me back or anything.

Yeah, I know. Way too classy for that.

I don't feel classy right now.

I just want to know why.

Look, I'm sorry.

I haven't really explained
myself very well.

Not even close.

That's because I don't... I
don't understand it myself.

Well, I still don't.

Then why? I thought we were
doing some of our best work.

Look, we were. But it
was wrong of me, okay?

If it's good, how is it wrong?

When they pulled me out of the
water, I needed to feel alive.

And the easiest way to do that was you.

- And so I used you...
- You didn't 'use' me, Ike.

I did.

We got back what we
had and it was great.

Yes, but it's not...

Oh, man, it's not what
they want me to do.

What 'they'?

The people who spoke to me.

The ones who came to me
when I was out there.

You were out there for hours,
Ike. You were hallucinating.

Nah, seemed pretty real to me.

Look, they gave me advice.

They told me how to live my life,
and they gave me things to do.

Who did? Tangaroa?

They were relatives.

Ancestors, and other people.

Dead people.

Yeah.

You can speak to dead people?

No. They told me the
path I needed to take.

That if I survived, I
need to walk it alone,

if I want to find out
what I truly want in life.

Which isn't me.

Maybe.

Maybe not. I don't know
the answer to that.

But you can't do this thing
with me walking with you.

Look, if I'm with you, Shay,

I need to give you % because
that's what you deserve.

And because I can't and
I won't be able to,

I don't want to lead you on. Okay?

Look, I'm sorry, but this
is what I have to do.

Was I one of the people
who visited you out there?

No.

That says it all, doesn't it?

Good luck, then.

Yeah, you too.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Okay, I'm working.

Are you lot in for dinner?

Yeah. I spoke with Robbie
today. He asked after you.

That's nice. Where is he?

I've arranged for him to live
in Auckland with relatives,

where maybe he can start again.

Good for him.

I'll get you menus.

Can you deal with the McNamaras, please?

- Yep, sure. Are you okay?
- Yes, I just don't need any more

of Big Mac's passive-aggressive
crap today, thanks.

- Stupid soup.
- Sorry?

Billy is musing that if he'd
taken his soup to school today,

like he was meant to, then none
of this would have happened.

We could get the Numpties
into planning your wedding.

There's a lot of money to be
made in wedding planning, Billy.

You're enjoying
tormenting me, aren't you?

A little bit.

I'm not sure I want Jared McNamara
anywhere near my wedding.

...to go to boarding school cut it out!

Did someone say 'wedding'?
Because I just decided we need

to come round to your place
tonight to start the planning

and to drink wine. Good! Great.
That's settled, then.

Hey. I'll be back in just a
sec to take your orders.

No. You stay. I want to know
what your intentions are.

- To take your order?
- With my daughter.

Dad, don't be an egg.

- To get in her pants.
- Shut up, Jared.

Shut up, Jared, or you are going
back to boarding school. Well?

- Leave the boy alone, Bill.
- No, I've got a right to know.

Okay. Um... I...

I like Lindsay a lot. We're just
getting to know each other.

- In bed.
- Boarding school, Jared.

No, we're just...

- You know, we're having fun. Right?
- Yeah.

So there you have it, it's
all a beautiful thing.

Also, it'll be good to get
some of that fiery red

in the family gene pool.

Okay, yeah, I'll get back to work.

Young love and, as it turns out,

not so young love, is the
living proof that being human

is being, by nature, a masochist
crossed with an optimist.

But love can also, and I
do know this for a fact,

turn you into a gibbering mess.

It's the fear.

I know you think that I should just
tell her but, it's the fear of what

might happen if I do, mate.

Like, what if she thinks,
"Oh, if this is how seriously

"this man's taking the
whole marriage thing,

"then why am I wasting
my time with him?"

- Tracey won't think that.
- And you know that for sure, do ya?

Yeah, exactly!

No, I just know that
she won't think that.

Well, okay, then what was
that pause for, then?

- I was thinking about it.
- Yeah, exactly, mate!

And she's gonna think about it as well.

And if there's one thing
I know about Trace,

it's that when she starts
thinking, mate, she does not stop

until she's thought it
all the way through.

And I don't want to take that chance
that when she gets to wherever

it is all that thinking's
going to take her,

the next thing that happens
is me being shown the door.

Look, Woody, Tracey loves you.

She gets you.

Gets that I'm a great big
bloody idiot who forgot

he's already married.
Oh, yeah, what a catch.

Nah. Nah, I can't take that chance.

Better make that call, then, eh?

Is it too late for you to take
up that scholarship thing?

Yeah, it is this year.

But maybe you could go up to
Auckland early and get a job,

- earn yourself some bucks for school.
- Trying to get rid of me?

Nah. No way.

Just wondering if you could
do with a change of scenery.

Nah, what I need to do,
I need to do here.

If you say so.

Just trying to help, that's all.

Yeah, but you can't really.

That's why I called someone who can.

(HORN HONKING)

- No, you didn't.
- Yeah, I did.

I told her on the phone you were okay.

But I'm not really, am I?

Come here, you.

What the hell were you thinking,

losing our boy in the middle
of the ocean like that, huh?

It has emerged from its cave.

This is me, changing the narrative.

Any more heartfelt words
of advice, little bro?

- Someone has to do tough love.
- Who wants tough love?

Tough love sucks, when
compared to ice cream.

Wow. Ice cream for a broken
heart that's not cliche.

Wow, a younger brother
who thinks he is wise

but is actually just
annoying. That's not cliched.

Actually, ice cream sounds
really good about now.

Fine, I didn't want ice cream anyways.

- I went to see Ike.
- And?

And I think he might be even
more messed up than I am.

Well, he has always been big
on the deep and meaningfuls.

And he really has some
stuff to work through.

But he doesn't want you by
his side while he does.

He made that pretty clear, yeah.

Man, I am such an idiot.

No, you're not. Unless you
don't eat this ice cream,

then, yeah, you are, 'cause
this is really good.

Why do I just let him
get to me like that?

Because he's a nice guy and
nice guys get in like that?

They're very sneaky.

Meanwhile, I end up feeling like
a complete drip. Is that fair?

No.

You know what?

- What?
- Screw him.

If he wants to go on some spiritual
journey or whatever, that's fine.

But no way am I going to sit
around and wait until he realises

he gave up the best thing in his
life and comes crawling back.

And amen to that.

I don't need him.

'Cause I have vanilla
flavoured ice cream.

♪ Don't jump, little boy ♪

♪ Don't jump off that roof ♪

♪ You've got your whole
life ahead of you ♪

Love young, old, new, gone...

is an absolute bugger
of a thing to survive,

let alone to find yourself
in that rarer situation

where it thrives and prospers.

And it is definitely something you
can't expect to do on your own.

You need friends and allies and
families to keep you moving,

keep hope alive,

and to pick up the pieces
when it all turns to custard.

And you need these people around
you the most when love, as it does,

throws a great big spanner in the works.

Okay.

I can do this.

So, the whole secret
thing's going well, then.

I'm here on official business.

I needed to consult Sean on gleaning

the correct marriage
annulment paperwork.

Fear not, because I keep more
secrets than anyone in this town.

And not until my deathbed
will I reveal those secrets.

I just saw all the cars outside
and wondered what was going on.

But mum's the word.

This is never going to work. Tell her.

No! This is a fellowship, bound
together, to complete this task!

Like 'Lord of the Rings'. Except
without the wargs and so forth.

Make the call, Woody.

So that we can get it done
and get on with the actual

- wedding planning.
- The people have spoken, mate.

Yeah, except not saying the
right thing to the right person.

And that is duly noted.

(TELEPHONE RINGS)

Yeah, G'day.

Uh, hello?

G'day, Mary.

Ah, no one calls me Mary
anymore, mate. I go by Rose.

I thought you hated that name.

I, um...

I got used to it.

Hello, Jeff.

People usually call me 'Woody'.

Woody Woodson?

Usually just Woody.

Right.

Funny how we've got different names now,

even though we're still married.

Yeah, I guess.

That's actually why
I've tracked you down.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Um, I'm getting married again.

And, um, that means I
need to divorce you,

which means that I need
you to sign some papers.

Um... yeah.

Do you have my address?

Yeah. Yeah, I do.

Okay, then, just bring them with you.

Sorry?

Well, if you want me to sign them,
then you have to bring them here.

Um, why?

Because that's the only way I'll do it.

(BEEP)

(BEEPING)

Well?

Yeah.

Bit of a complication, I'm afraid.

- One little secret.
- I cannot marry her

- on account of the fact that.
- Woody?!

- I'm already married.
- Is about to become one big mess.

I'm gettin' married again.

I need to... divorce you.

Over two massive weeks...

Hello, Jeff.

He will have to choose...

Do you still love him?

Everybody loves Woody.

New Words, next Tuesday.