01x08 - Fan Fiction

[bunniefuu]

The actor who played Brazzos

- has his own podcast now.
- JIMMY FALLON: What?

My name is in Fallon's mouth! Wow!

You've got more coming, right?

MABEL: Someone left that
for me at the front desk.

It's Tim Kono's phone.

- What?
- Whoa!

Tim thought he was gonna get m*rder*d?

He'd been trying to take down

this black market jewelry
dealer named Angel.

CHARLES: Say hello to Angel.

Teddy Dimas?

I'm writing you a check,
and it's gonna be large.

CHARLES: That's right. Our prime
sponsor is now our prime suspect.

MABEL: Hey, where'd you get that?

- Found it.
- MABEL: Why was Tim after the ring

- that Zoe had the night she d*ed?
- OSCAR: No, she didn't have it.

Not when she d*ed.

[MUFFLED BANGING]

♪

[DRAMATIC STRINGS PLAYING]

MAN: What does it mean
to be a fan of something?

[STREET NOISE]

For me, it means
undying absolute loyalty.

Being a fan is like being married.

You don't quit, no
matter how bad it gets.

That's how I feel about
the Only Murders podcast.

Can't believe it's been another
week without a new episode.

The f*ck are they doing up
there? They just went silent.

- Watch the language around Grant.
- What do I f*ckin' care?

Guys, what if we see Bunny? [LAUGHS]

Or Howard the cat guy?

Or Charles,

Oliver, Mabel? I don't know what I'd do.

I don't wanna leave this
spot until they reveal

who k*lled Tim Kono!

Calm down, Sam. Pass the holes.

SAM: We call ourselves the Arconiacs.

We met on a message board:
The Itty-Bitty Omit-Bitty Committee,

which I founded. Ever since Fallon,

OMITB has been having a moment,

but we are the day-oners.

Some fans are Mabelines.

Some are Haden-Maidens. A few, like me,

are Putnuts. Oliver's my favorite.

I've been a member of six different
true crime podcast fan communities...

but I have never had less faith in
a creative team than I do right now.

And what about that Sting cameo?

Like Sting's gonna be
the m*rder*r. [SIGHS]

A whole episode with no stakes.

Okay, guys, why are
you being so negative?

Do you even like this podcast?

- Love it!
- It's a revelation.

Well then, trust the team, okay?

You want stakes?
You're gonna get stakes.

They're probably right
around the corner.

[LIVELY THEME SONG PLAYING]

[VOCALIZING]

- [VAN RUMBLING, TIRES SQUEALING]
- [CAR HONKING]

[PANTING, GASPING]

What is that smell?

Jeez, I don't know. It-it...

Smells like formaldehyde. You know,
they use that to preserve corpses.

Corpses?

[PANTING] Do you know

that I was the first director
to use a real cadaver on stage?

In Tuesdays At Bernie's.
It was my dual adaptation

of Tuesdays With Morrie
and Weekend At Bernie's.

What?

- [BRAKES SQUEAL]
- [MABEL GRUNTING]

[DOOR SLAMS]

Theo, Theo, Theo.

Listen to me. I... Oh, I'm sorry.

I know that was insensitive.
It's a touchy subject.

I... Ow!

Now, now, Theo.

These are friends.

[SIGHS] Apologies for my son.

He hates the theater,
but he's very dramatic.

T-Teddy, this is all just a m-mis...

Why are we at a dump?

Are you gonna leave
these dead bodies here?

[LAUGHS]

I like you. You ask
interesting questions.

Let me give you a lift home.

♪

I like this seat.

Theo can't read my lips
or see me in the rear-view,

which is nice.

Because it's not good for a son to hear,

or see, his father say certain things.

For a long time, I felt
ashamed to have a deaf son.

[SIGHS] It ended my marriage, actually.

That and, you know, all the whores.

But then I grew to appreciate

Theo's perspective.

I learned ASL,

which many parents of
deaf children do not do.

Did you know that?

- Is that right?
- Yeah, I've heard that.

I didn't know that.

Through Theo, I realized
the beauty of silence.

It makes for beautiful
friendships and partnerships

when those who may know
certain things about you

can act as if they
never heard those things.

We hear you loud and clear, Teddy.

Or we don't. I don... I'm not exactly
sure what you're talking about.

I'm talking about what you've
heard and seen about me.

My side jewelry interests.

Which I admit is fascinating in a...

ghoulish and psychologically
compelling way.

A good subject for a
podcast, just not yours.

Because your podcast needs to end.

You can end it with dignity.

Or you can end it posthumously.

We know what you did to Tim Kono.

We don't know sh*t about Tim Kono.

That's why I feel at ease here.

That, and I know Ollie would
never say bad things about someone

- who's been so good to him.
- No, no, no, no.

Here's what I'd like.

To wake up tomorrow
morning, say : AM,

to find a final episode of the show

I so generously fund,

and hear that you are wrong.

Sadly, Tim Kono sh*t himself,

and, uh, the reason
why is going to be...

loneliness.

♪

Or some thinky sh*t like that.

- It's definitely an area.
- TEDDY: But make it good.

You're the artists.

I'm just a guy with some delis...

who'd hate to see any more bad
things happen to the tenants

in his building.

You'll make the right choice.

Because if you don't, well,

I know where you live.

♪

- Hey. Careful.
- Go, go, go.

Hey! Uh, Oliver? Whoa.

- Wait, are you Mabel?
- That's totally Mabel.

Oh my God, do we have fans?

Oh, thank God, we have fans!

- Where's the new episode?
- Shouldn't you be recording?

Yeah, we don't work
for you, you vultures!

- Okay. I'm so sorry. We're in a hurry.
- We believe in you.

I'm sorry, where did you get that?

Oh, homemade merch.

Worked on it myself, so...

Out of curiosity, how much would
you pay for an official one?

Oh my God, Putnam, let's go!

[LAUGHS] That was a classic
Oliver-Mabel exchange!

- Hey, we're dying for the next episode!
- We may be, too!

- [SAM LAUGHING]
- [KNOCKING]

Open up! It's us!

You know, we really oughta have
a key in case he falls in the tub.

He's not steady on his feet, you know.

♪

Charles!

Oh hey, come in.
Charles is getting bagels.

[GROWLS] Okay...

MABEL: So, uh, did you and Charles...

- How do I say this?
- Celebrate one another's bodies?

Oh, we went right there.

Oh Jesus...

Okay. Brazzos.

Brazzos was our safe word.

And what's the safe word for me
to get out of this conversation?

Are you guys okay? Oh,
do you want a Splenda?

Jan, please, we're focused
on staying alive here.

Okay, no Splenda. You know,
there's some not-so-great studies.

Hey! Hey, guys! Glad to have
you back! What a morning!

Sure is. We've had quite the time.

We survived a truck full of corpses

and an implicit death
thr*at from Teddy Dimas,

but good thing you got bagels.

Well, actually, I just
got enough for Jan and me,

but... Wait, you know
what? That's not true

because these blueberry bad boys

are going right into the freez...

Did you say "death thr*at"?

- Uh-huh.
- Dimas threatened to k*ll us.

- Are you alright?
- OLIVER: Oh,

Tim-Tom-riffic. But Teddy...

And he never mentioned this to me,
you know how modest he can be...

Turns out, is a psychotic grave robber,

who says that if we don't drop

a final episode by morning,
saying that he did nothing,

he's gonna drop a few
b*ll*ts in our skulls.

JAN: Teddy Dimas doesn't
know what we know,

and we know a lot more now.

Wait. What do we know?

Jan and I spent the morning
going through Tim Kono's phone,

and we made a ton of secret discoveries.

Let's just say it
sends our investigation

into a whole new direction.

- [CHARLES LAUGHS]
- [QUIETLY] Okay...

Isn't she a natural?

[BOTH GROAN]

Tim was a meticulous record keeper.

There are notes and photos in here.

There's scans of receipts
and newspaper clippings.

So, putting them all
together, we found out

why he was after the Dimases.

He saw Teddy's son Theo

push a girl from the roof here at
the Arconia almost years ago.

It was Theo that Tim saw.

Teddy threatened Tim to keep
him quiet, but Tim was working

to bring Teddy down till the
day he d*ed. And then he stopped.

Yeah 'cause Teddy k*lled him!

Whoa, let's not leap to conclusions

'cause I don't see that in this phone.

- Okay, I can't. I can't do this.
- Um, Charlie?

- A word.
- Sure.

- I'll set these up. We're sharing.
- Alright.

- Isn't she the best?
- Oh, totally. Amazing.

- J-just love her. So many opinions.
- Yes,

we're very, very happy
for you, okay? But,

there's something
that may have happened.

We... had sex. Together.

Ew, yes. Okay, I know that,
but sh*t just got super real,

and if we want to take down
Dimas before : AM, first...

Is that what we're gonna do?

A nod or a "no," guys...

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [AGREEING]

Then, we need real
help. We need real backup.

- Who from?
- The person who gave us Tim's phone.

♪

- [SEAGULLS CAWING]
- [WAVES WASHING ASHORE]

[TAXI DOORS OPEN, SHUT]

I'll handle this.

I played this scene a
million times on Brazzos...

Oh, don't say that word.

How can I help you?

[DISTANT SHIP HORN]

It's money time, baby.

Payday's here, and the
check is in the mail.

As in the deceased m*rder*d male

at the Arconia, Tim Kono.
That's right. I said m*rder*d.

Okay, I heard m*rder*d, but what
the f*ck else was the rest of that?

Well, it's, uh, police talk,

- isn't it?
- No.

We are part of a concern

that has reason to believe Tim Kono
was m*rder*d by the Dimas family.

- The deli people?
- Delis, but also crime.

Based on the evidence
we found on Tim's phone.

Uh-huh. And how did you get said phone?

- Well, you gave...
- Sh, sh, sh, sh, sh...

Maybe... whoever did that...

still has some lingering
questions about Tim's death,

and is up against enormous obstacles

and was hoping you could
help them by releasing

a podcast episode
with all your evidence.

So, it was you.

I mean, if we make that episode...

DETECTIVE WILLIAMS: You don't
want to be sitting ducks.

I got you. I'm low-key running

a tox report and fingerprint
scan off the laptop

someone typed Kono's goodbye
on. The rest is on you.

Thank you so much. And I am so, so sorry

about the things that Charles and
Mabel said about you in episode one.

And two. Some of three.

Okay... So, let's just make sure

we keep this tight. Okay?

Especially if you're accusing
the Deli King? Alright?

So, get the who, the how,
the why, and the why now.

Get-get the what and the what?

See, why would you say what?
I never said what. There's no what.

It's the who,

the how, the why,

and the why now. Alright? Make the case.

And make sure it's super f*ckin' tight!

And we need to make it by morning.

CHARLES: The who,

- and the...
- MABEL: The-the who...

- OLIVER: The who, the what...
- CHARLES: Not the what.

- OLIVER: No! The why! The why.
- MABEL: How...

OLIVER: Oh, I think the night in
the truck is starting to get to me.

Is anyone hungry?

I cannot function with all this
pressure and nothing to dip.

CHARLES: But what do
we have for the why now?

MABEL: Nothing, really...

[KNOCKING]

CHARLES: Oh!

Homemade pizza rolls.

[CHUCKLES] Oh, that's great...

Well, I guess the mystery of what
we're gonna snack on is solved!

[LAUGHS] I want to show you this place.

No to this. No.

I totally agree. [SNIFFS]

But, gotta admit, these pizza
rolls smell good. What do you think?

- Stop.
- [RHYTHMIC KNOCK]

Did someone order up a party?

[SIGHS]

Hey... Oscar. [GROWLS]

Thanks for finally answering my texts.

Sorry. I've been a little preoccupied

- and minorly traumatized.
- Huh?

I got big news about the case.

Oh, what's that smell? I'm starving.

Nice to meet another member
of the team. Hi, I'm Jan.

Uh, Oscar. Those look amazing. [LAUGHS]

And homemade! I mean, how fun is this?

We're becoming a community.

- OSCAR: Mm-hmm.
- So, what's the big news?

Oh, I met up with that Cutter guy.

Oh, that's the jewelry connection.

The one Tim met up
with before he got iced.

Okay, so did you get the green ring?

OSCAR: No, that's the thing.

Cutter sold it.

To Kono.

Tim actually got it the
day before he was k*lled.

Tim had Zoe's ring?

No, no. We didn't find
it in his apartment,

and I have every piece of
jewelry he had in there.

Maybe whoever k*lled him took it.

- The Dimases!
- OLIVER: Yeah.

I mean, who else would
care about that ring?

That's direct evidence!

- And that's our why now.
- Oh, is it though?

I don't know. It...

It's all circumstantial
without the ring.

We don't know the Dimases have it.

[LAUGHS] Circumstantial.

Always wanted to throw that word around.

[CHARLES AND JAN LAUGH]

Oh God, this is so exciting! Thank
you for inviting me into this.

- [QUIETLY] Although we didn't.
- I'm sorry?

Our pleasure. It's great.

And now, we need to
know how they did it.

If they did it.

Okay, you know what? Guys, I need air

and, uh, some dip for
these really dry rolls.

These will pair very
nicely with Gut Milk.

♪

[BOTH LAUGH]

[TRAFFIC NOISE]

- [BAG CRINKLING]
- [STREET CHATTER]

[CHATTER GETS LOUDER]

Oh wait! Hey!

Jesus, don't you people
have a home to go to?

- What happened to the kid?
- Grant had a piano lesson.

Also, he got tired of
waiting for a new episode.

Kids these days.

- Everything is binge, binge, binge.
- Yeah.

They'll never know the pleasure
of waiting for just

a crumb of what you want.

My daughter says I'm not
welcome at her wedding.

Well... Jesus...

Uh, but-but we know that

you are on the cusp of something big,

and I want to share in that cusp.

Exactly right. The
resolution is moments away.

It's not just one suspect, right?

♪

- Why do you think that?
- Logistics.

And the timing with the
fire alarm that night.

Interesting. Well, it-it...
Anyway, it's all coming together.

- It's amazing! I'm so buzzed!
- Ah, thank you.

I feel like Tim Kono the night
that he wrote those su1c1de notes!

Uh...

Are you all busy right now?

- No.
- Mm-mmm. No.

Come with me.

[EXCITED SQUEALING]

Reinforcements, kids!

Oh sh*t.

- More people?
- What is happening right now?

Losing it. Totally losing it!

[GASPS] You're so pretty.

- Oh, thank you.
- Mm?

Sam, Paulette, Marv, meet...

Well, you know them.

You all...

Big fans of the podcast. You're Tie-Dye.

[NERVOUS LAUGH]

The OG! [GIGGLING]

And I'm Jan. Introducing myself.

- Oh.
- Hey.

- Jan is my girlfriend.
- I am?

- If you want to be.
- Yes.

MARV: What a handsome couple.

My ex-wife was way younger, too.

Oh man, this is gonna break
Haden-Maiden hearts on the boards.

- [SIGHS]
- [LAUGHS] What I'd give.

Okay, um, us three, we need to talk.

- Excuse me.
- OLIVER: Okay. Yeah...

[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

- Hey...
- Uh, hey.

Ah... [SHUTTER SNAPS]

- What are they doing here?
- We need help with the how.

- From them?
- They know more than we do.

Certainly more than Jan, who is...

How do I put this
politely? Reverse-helpful.

Like a French pig who can sense
truffles buried underground

from miles away, only the
truffles are bad ideas.

That is my girlfriend
you're talking about,

and we had sex. I don't
know if I said that.

- Please stop talking about that.
- Guys,

these fans listen to every
episode, over and over.

They're us before we took this on.

Wouldn't we want us on
this case before we were us?

Not a bad point.

Not a very clear point.

Look, do I wish our fans
were a little more hip? Yes.

Do I wish they were

a tad more on top of
their hygiene? Absolutely.

Do they have a-a confused

look in their eyes, like a dog
that's heard a strange sound?

Yeah. But, strap that dog to a sled,

and, baby,

you'll be flying across
the tundra. [SNORTS]

[DISGUSTED SIGH]

♪

Tim Kono lives on the ninth floor,

but on that night,

he got on the elevator

with a trash bag from floor six.

Why?

How did we miss that?

- Floor six is Teddy's floor.
- PAULETTE: Cool,

but was it Tim's garbage
or was it Teddy's?

- It's a good question.
- And...

did Teddy write those notes?

Okay, as I said to Paula Abdul

during our production of Hedda Gabler...

We gotta start thinking
outside the box here.

Guys, I know we all
like the Dimas stuff,

- but what about the cat?
- The who?

Well, I'm just going
over your notes here,

and why aren't we
looking more at this man,

- Howard Morris?
- Okay...

Wait, you're suggesting
an entirely new suspect.

- It is outside the box.
- A little too outside the box.

Yeah, I have an idea. Why don't
we shove it back into the box,

and hope they don't notice
it when we return it.

It's not crazy. We did
look into him at one point,

and I still have his
cat's leg somewhere...

I'm just saying he's your first
suspect, and he's not a bad one.

- [MURMURING]
- Everyone, everyone, everyone.

You know, I-I... In no way do
I want to appear pushy here,

but please shut up.

I think I've got this.

The su1c1de notes that Tim
Kono had in the trash bag

the night he d*ed. They
weren't cries for help.

They were death threats.

- [GASPS] Mind blown.
- No!

The Dimases were threatening him,

promising to make his
death look like a su1c1de.

Teddy threatened us the
same way this morning.

- Keep going.
- Oh, I will. But first,

I have to visualize. I'm a visualizer.

Marv, Marv, I need you to be Theo Dimas,

- the deaf son.
- O-okay.

No, no. Don't, don't [LAUGHS]

ever do that again.

Paulette, you are the doorman, Lester.

- Psych.
- Okay.

And you, Sam,

- you're Tim Kono.
- [EXCITED LAUGH]

♪

Dead! [LAUGHS] But literally.

He is dead.

Flashback!

The day of the m*rder.

Tim Kono enters the Arconia.

And... action!

[AWKWARDLY] Hello, Lester.

- What a normal afternoon
- OLIVER: No, no, pointier.

He has a very pointy delivery.
Isn't that right, Mabel?

- Pointy?
- Well [STAMMERS] just try it.

[POINTEDLY] Hello, Lester.
Did I happen to receive

a package with a ring in it?

No, not today, Mr. Kono.

Okay, so Tim enters his apartment,

and then fire alarm. Whoop!

Whoop! Whoop!

So then, he opens his
door, and Theo Dimas

pushes his way in. [GRUNTS]

No, no, no. Too-too rough.

- Too rough, Marv.
- But, I'm a k*ller.

We're just marking, Marv!

Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

Okay. They fight.

♪

Theo wants to protect
his dad from Tim exposing

all his father's crimes. He
punches him in the stomach.

Same way that, you know, I was
punched in the stomach at the dump.

[GASPING] Tim gasps for air.

And then a p*stol goes in his mouth.

[GROANS]

[GRUNT]

[DRAMATIC SIGH]

[GRUNT]

We'll work on that.

And finally,

remember what Detective Williams
said about the fingerprints?

Theo types the su1c1de message.

And that's how it all went
down. What do you think?

Kind of a confusing theory.

Oh please, you're in a
love daze. It's air-tight.

And it's the how, so we have
to get the recording equipment.

I don't know, you guys. Don't you
think it feels a little too easy?

I mean, I'd take another look at Howard.

Tim did not die because of a cat, Jan.

He d*ed because of jewels,

and a ring, and if we're gonna do
this, we're gonna do it now or never.

It's : in the morning, and we
all know how you need a few takes

before you're warmed up.

[SIGHS]

Uh, Jan, we kinda worked
on this as a team together.

And I'm not on the team.

Well, I wouldn't put it like that.

Oh, I would because your
input is destructive,

and your pizza rolls are chewy.

Now, normally, I could forgive
one of those things, but not both.

You ate six of those pizza rolls,
and they're starting to show.

I beg of you. Please, exit.

- Oh, I'll exit.
- No, no,

you have great ideas...

Charles, let her go. We're
on the clock. [DOOR OPENS]

Ja... I think she's mad at me.

Oh, she's definitely mad at you.

Okay, we need to start
recording this now.

Sam, any time, you can get up.

Are we sure-sure about this?

We've taken a lot of
money from Teddy Dimas.

I just wanna be sure-sure-sure.

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

_

CHARLES: And that concludes
the final episode of

Only Murders In The Building.

We'll be back in the unlikely
event another neighbor is m*rder*d

or we move to a more dangerous area.

I'm your host, Charles-Haden Savage.

[CLICK]

There it is. We're done.

OLIVER: Oh... [APPLAUSE]

Did you really like it!?

I feel like I just watched
Prince record Purple Rain.

- You really did it.
- Down comes the Deli King.

Make sure your friends
listen. Go spread the word.

Yes.

And find some other interests.

It's a big wide world out there.

- Congratulations. We love you guys.
- MABEL: Thank you.

Oh, love you. Love you.

- Would love to talk merch.
- OLIVER: No, no.

I actually do have a job.

- I don't believe that.
- Thanks for being super fans.

Okay, before we send
this... [DOOR SHUTS]

we need to show
somebody a sneak preview.

Tim Kono had stumbled upon
Teddy Dimas' side business

of grave robbing jewels from the dead.

No sh*t.

- [TEXT NOTIFICATION CHIMES]
- [SIGH, SOFT LAUGH]

[PUTS DOWN PAPER, CUP]

♪

[SIGHS] Goddammit.

[KNOCKING]

And the day Tim was m*rder*d was the day

he finally got the evidence that
backed up his story of what he saw

the night his friend Zoe d*ed.

[ON HEADPHONES] Tim returned
to the Arconia that day

to be greeted by an ominous
warning waiting under his door.

A su1c1de note.

So, he stuffed the note in a trash bag

and took the elevator down to six.

He confronted Teddy with
the trash bag at Teddy's doorstep,

then flashed a g*n he recently
bought on the black market.

The g*n that would
become the m*rder w*apon.

Teddy pulls the fire alarm,
lingers outside Tim's apartment.

When Tim tries to leave, Theo stuns
him with a punch to the stomach.

The alarm covers the g*nsh*t,

Dimases make sure to
blend in with the residents

walking downstairs
during the fire alarm.

CHARLES/SAM: Confident they
had gotten away with m*rder.

Something's bothering me.

Why would the Dimases sponsor a podcast

they knew might out them?

Hubris, I guess.

Everybody always blames hubris.

- You really buy that?
- Sometimes the truth is weird, okay?

SAM: Real life doesn't always
resolve like mysteries do.

ALL: Cheers!

God bless us. Oh, no.

Mm!

You know, I'm gonna miss
this case a little...

- MABEL: Me, too.
- [CHATTER FADES OUT]

_

_

_

I know how you feel about Tim,

but I did find this.

I can't reverse time,

but I've been gathering all the
jewels and evidence I can find

to prove the crimes of Teddy Dimas.

I even have a lead on the emerald ring

that can prove what I
saw the night Zoe d*ed.

It's all I can do to try to
make up for what happened,

and for Oscar Torres,

who was like a brother to me,

to begin to say I'm sorry.

Even though I can't forgive
myself for my silence,

and for all he lost

so unfairly,

starting on that New Year's Eve.

SAM: And while some clues are important,

some lead nowhere.

Yeah, man, as soon as the chief
saw "Dimases did it" trending,

he told me to pick him up.

[ON PHONE]: Can you believe that
this is how crimes are solved now?

[LAUGHS] I know. Isn't it fantastic?

And I'm genuinely
impressed. You nailed them.

Fully nailed them.

Teddy Dimas is in a world of
trouble for the Cassidy death,

that grave robbing
insanity, and now this?

So we should be thankful that
this mystery did have a tidy ending.

The Dimases did it.

Case closed.

WILLIAMS: Whoa whoa whoa whoa, hold on.

Oh sh*t.

f*ck. f*ck, man!

Is that a good "sh*t f*ck f*ck"?

Tox report's back.

Tim Kono was poisoned!

He was already dead when he was sh*t.

And if one of the neighbors on two

has a Ring camera
pointed at the courtyard.

Man, I'm sitting here looking at
timestamped photos from that night...

of the Dimases

outside before the fire
alarm even went off!

They weren't even in the
building when Tim was k*lled!

Oh God.

f*ck! [SLAMS PHONE]

[LINE BEEPING]

[CLEARS THROAT] Guys!

I hate saying this, but, uh,

there may still be a
m*rder*r in the building.

MABEL: Wait, what do you mean?

You mean my girlfriend was right?

Wait, you've got a girlfriend?

Nobody ever listens to me or Jan!

♪

- [DOOR SLAMS]
- [ELEVATOR DINGS]

[CLEARS THROAT]

[KNOCKING]

Jan?

Jan, it's Charles.

[KNOCKING]

Jan!

Jan! J... Help!

Anybody! Help!