02x08 - I, Excretus

[bunniefuu]

♪

And repairs are complete.
Should we head back in?

Wow, would you look at that?

[all sigh]

Captain, we just received
a distress call

from the Bakersfield.

They're caught in
a temporal causality loop.

Wait a minute, I'm getting
the same distress call again.

Hold on. And now again.

Sounds like a time loop all right.

We'd better hurry. Warp me.

A view like this makes you realize

it doesn't matter what deck you work on.

We're all in it together.

MARINER: And they left us.

They left us.
How much oxygen do we have?

A lot, a little? Ballpark?

Oh, I'm sure they'll turn back
at any second

and we'll have a good laugh
about it. [chuckles]

[all shivering]

See, guys? We're laughing. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

♪

♪

♪

There we go, nothing a little
lung rejuvenation won't fix.

See? You're fine.

Oh, yeah, act like it's not a big deal

that you left us to die in the void.

This all could have been avoided
if you'd followed protocol

and signed out your magnet boots.

Or maybe that wouldn't have
even mattered

since lower decks
are so expendable to you.

Ridiculous! We're all equals
on this ship, right?

- Uh, they sleep in a hallway.
- Oh.

I'm not going to argue
with you, Beckett.

I have to make impossible
life-and-death decisions every day.

Yeah, no kidding, it's always
our life or death.

Ditch the attitude!
A Starfleet drill instructor

is going to be testing
the crew later today,

and I don't need you
messing up our score

because you've got
a chip on your shoulder.

Oh, great, yeah, well,
I hope one of the drills

tests to see if anyone on the
bridge is a giant piece of...

I heard the drill instructor's
Pandronian.

You know they can split
their bodies into three parts?

- I thought I was a triple thr*at.
- Ugh.

MARINER: Drills, what a waste of time.

I'd even take real work over
this, like fake pretend work.

Good morning, Cerritos!

This one is Shari Yn Yem,

your friendly Starfleet
drill administrator.

Like many of you, this one
started from the bottom,

but with hard work, and plenty
of drills, this one is now...

at the top!

[cheering, whooping]

These simulator holopods are
each programed

with individualized drills based on

situations other Starfleet crews
have experienced.

Every pod has a certain amount
of points you can earn

for doing a good job.

Everyone's score is displayed
right here,

so you can see how you stack up
against your fellow crew.

Almost seems unfair to
make them compete with us.

Gonna be a piece of cake.

This one will be flipping your ranks.

Low-level officers will be
given command of the bridge,

while senior officers will be
placed on the lower decks!

Excuse me. What?!

Well, there's no better way to
evaluate a crew's readiness

than from the bottom up, Captain.

- Or should I say, Ensign?
- [cheering]

- [excited chatter]
- TENDI: Oh, yeah! This rules!

I get to be senior medical officer!

Ooh, baby, I'm chief engineer!

Good day to you, Captain Boimler.

Good day to you, Captain Mariner.

They actually think
they're going to be able

to handle our jobs?

This is gonna be rich.

All right, deck ,
follow the yellow line.

Move it along, lower decks.

- [grumbling]
- Aw, son of a...

- All right, let's get into it.
- [knuckles cr*ck]

I wanna rack up some points
early so I can spend

the rest of the day soaking
in my commander's tub.

- COMPUTER: Mirror Universe Encounter.
- Mirror universe?

This is easy. Yeah. I can
pretend to be evil. Ha-ha-ha-ha!

As captain, you must infiltrate
the Terran Empire

and find a way back
to your own dimension.

[clears throat] Long live the Empire.

I love to hate. Whattup, Migleemo?

- [screeches]
- Yikes.

Ugh, nothing makes me hornier
than torturing someone.

I'm horny all the time.

And being horny always gets me
in the mood to t*rture.

You can lose a whole day to that cycle.

Okay, screw finding an ally,
let's take over the ship and see

if we can dismantle the
Terran Empire from the inside.

COMPUTER: Deviation
from mission parameters

results in loss of points.

Okay, all right, I get it, yeah.

You're not exactly rewarding creativity.

Who dareth bump into me?!

Oh, I dareth. I double-dog dareth.

Ah! Ooh!

Okay, good. Just checking.

I need to figure out a way
to impress or k*ll the captain

so I can get on a more sinister ship.

[cackles]

Long live the Empire.

Long live the... wait,
did you just salute me

with your left hand?

Our Mariner is right-handed.

Uh, no, I just,
uh, I strained this shoulder

flogging a Vulcan.

[shrieks] Get her!

- Whoa!
- [crackling]

- [cries out]
- [zapping]

COMPUTER: Fail.

- Damn.
- Don't worry, Commander.

You'll have other opportunities

[singsongy]: to get a-head.

- That's one of my faves.
- [grumbles]

Medical ethics. Chief medical officer.

Your mission: navigate
a paralyzed Klingon's request

for an honorable death.

Oh, uh, okay.

You must help me k*ll myself.

I broke my back picking up a peanut.

Well, as head of medical,
I'm not supposed to do any harm.

- [buzzes]
- Huh?

Points deducted.

What? Oh. I guess in that case,

let's send you off to Sto-vo-kor.

No! You must use my ceremonial blade!

Ew. No. It'll be quick
and painless this way.

Points deducted.

Huh? I-I gotta hurt him?

You refuse to honor my culture?!

Oh, no, no, sir,
I-I wanna k*ll you, I...

Just give me the Kn*fe. Aah!

Good God, what did you do?

This Klingon isn't dead.

I-I was trying to save him?

- What? Come on. Come on.
- Faster. k*ll me. k*ll!

We have to get this warrior
an honorable death, stat!

- Get me cc's of any type of poison.
- I have to die!

[bleep] They have giant hearts,
so many backup organs.

Sir, it's done. There's
nothing else we can do.

Damn it. Call it.

Time of life, .

No!

- TENDI: Sorry.
- COMPUTER: Fail.

Old West planet.

As captain, you must survive
a lawless frontier town

in Earth's th century.

But beware, for you are a wanted man...

Yeah, yeah, I get it.
Trapped in cowboy land.

It's a Starfleet classic. Yeehaw.

- Just gotta find the saloon...
- [buzzes]

What? I haven't even done
anything creative.

Oh, we have to ride the horses. Okay.

Seems kinda like a narrow
parameter for a drill.

[neighs loudly]

Calm down, horses love me;
I'm a maverick.

- [neighs]
- [grunts] Whoa! Aah!

[grunts] Help! Aah! Ow! Bad horse.

COMPUTER: Fail.

[Mariner crying out]

[clicking tongue] Mm-mm-mm.

COMPUTER: The Good
of the Many. Chief Engineer,

enter the chamber
and fix the warp core breach

to save the ship.

- Okey dokey.
- Sir, the radiation!

You can't go in there!

I have to, son. I'm chief engineer.

- Ooh, that sounds so good.
- [sizzles]

Ow! Hot! Uh, maybe if I...
Aah! Frickin' radiation.

COMPUTER: Warp core breach imminent.

I know, computer.
But how am I supposed to... Ow!

Wow, this really shouldn't be that hard.

Shut up, Ensign! Wait, my boot.

Warp core critical.

Ha-ha! Come on, come on.

Got it!

- [gasps]
- Fail.

[groans]

- Borg Encounter.
- Uh, could you be

a little more specific than that?

Resist the Borg.

Okay, you know what,
that's fine. I've read literally

everything about the Borg;
I've got this.

Wow, the detail on this is amazing.

We are Borg. Resistance is futile.

[gasps] Whoa, this is so cool!

Oh, sorry. Please, keep going.
Do the thing.

We will add your biological
distinctiveness to our own.

You will be assimilated.

Can't have that.

All right, can't adjust the
frequency anymore... Yoink.

Yeah!

[laughing]

- [babbling]
- Ooh. Oh.

[grunts]

Oh, an escape sphere.

Woo-hoo!

COMPUTER: Mission accomplished.

Oh, yeah! That's right.
Boimler's the Borg man.

Your score is %.

? No, no, no, no, no,
I can do better than that.

- Can I restart?
- If you score below passing,

you will be locked out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, hit me.

Come on, let's go.

We are...

[panting]

Come on, Borg baby, this time
you're coming with me.

[grunts]

Woo-hoo!

COMPUTER: %.

[groans] I can do better.

♪

[grunts]

Woo-hoo!

COMPUTER: %.

Do it again. Hit me!

Naked Time?

As captain, you must save your crew,

who are under the influence of a virus

that reduces their inhibitions.

Oh, no, this is
that disease that made everyone

fight and have sex all over the place.

Can you resist your own
temptations and save the ship?

- Come on, girl. Last one. You got this.
- [laughter, shouting]

Wow, everyone's very slick
and sliding around.

Keep your hands to yourselves.
Hey, that's an anus!

[moaning]

- Oh.
- [giggles] Ooh.

Oh! [screams]

I can't tell where I end and you begin.

It's naked time!

Oh, fail me, fail me! Seriously,

why is this drill still going? Fail me.

Put me back in the Western!

Ugh, I failed every single drill.

At least you weren't
responsible for the destruction

of a whole ship.

All those life-and-death decisions,

I honestly don't know how
Dr. T'Ana does it every day.

Mmm. Computer, what is this?

COMPUTER: That is pesto.

Where's Boimler? He lives
for this kind of spread.

Last I heard, he was still
doing his drill.

Yeah, right. I bet he
bombed out just like us

and he doesn't want to admit it.

- ♪
- [grunting]

We got your signal.
How were you able to...

Just fly.

- %.
- Again.

Your score is already in the top ten...

I said again!

[sighs] It hurts me to say this, but...

maybe the bridge crew's jobs are
actually harder than we thought.

Yeah, well, I'm sure right now
they're finding out

just how hard it is to do our jobs, too.

[snoring]

I almost forgot how easy being
a lower-decker is.

All I did was stand in the
back of a banquet all day.

I just waited in the transporter bay

in case anybody
needed to be transported.

Why did we ever rank up again?

So what if their showers
are a little cramped,

or their replicators can only make

one slice of pizza at a time?

A small price to pay for no worries

and no responsibilities.

Even these close quarters
don't bother me.

[sighs] Mmm.

[sighs] Yep, I could get used
to this easy life.

- [alarm blaring]
- Ow! What the [bleep]?!

[all grumbling]

COMPUTER: Klingon Encounter.

Really? I think I know how
to handle one of those.

Ensigns, your mission is to
support your commanders.

- [rumbling]
- [shouting]

Stop goofing around, Ensigns!
The ship's under att*ck!

- What happened?
- Don't worry about it. Get to work.

These crates aren't gonna
stack themselves.

Really? There are Klingons on
the other side of the hull,

and this is our job?

Aw, son of a...

- [rumbling]
- [grunts]

If they wanted us to stack these,

then why are they shaped like this?!

Quick! Have you seen
a Q come through here?

- Q is on the ship?
- Forget I said anything.

Commander, wait.
We're Starfleet officers.

We can help you, just tell us what's...

The Jem'Hadar? Get to battle stations!

Damn it!

Aha! I got it.

[rumbling]

Failed!

Now that both sides have been
put through individual tests,

your last drill will be
a joint exercise:

a simulated experience

that uses your real bridge.

The true test of a crew is
seeing how you can

unite as a single team.

"Steal the Cerritos from spacedock

and use it to save Spock
on the Genesis planet."

- Okay, yeah.
- An oldie but a goodie.

And just what do you think
you're doing, Ensign Freeman?

[grumbles] Force of habit.

All right, look alive, people.
Yeoman Ransom,

let's get some fresh coffee on deck.

Yes, sir.

Ensign Freeman, full thrusters,
take us out.

Aye, Captain. seconds to spacedock.

[Shaxs grunting]

Ensign Shaxs, what are you doing?

Requesting permission to
stretch, Captain.

My back's k*lling me
from sleeping in those bunks.

Oh, it's naked time!

Ugh! No. Stop that. Stop now.

Geez, what's gotten into you?

It's-it's just something

I'm remembering from the drills.

The one where you couldn't even

get on a horse?

How do you know about that?

The drills are public, Beckett.

I watched the playback.

I'm just saying,
two and a half years of lessons

- and that's what you had to show for it?
- [groans]

Congratulations, Ensign.

You've earned yourself
a trip to the brig.

- I've never been sent to the brig.
- [alert beeping]

- Well, now you have.
- On what grounds?

MARINER: On my grounds!

[overlapping arguing]

- FREEMAN: Beckett, I am speaking!
- [expl*si*n]

Captain, did you want
your coffee with cream or...

Dang. That's gotta be a record.

Actually, it is.

I can't believe we didn't even
make it out of the spacedock.

There's not even a numerical
score for that.

Just "incomplete."

Oof, somehow that feels worse.

- I guess I...
- You know I...

- Oh, you go.
- No, no, no, you.

[sighs] You know, it's been so
long since I've been an ensign,

I forgot how hard it can be
when you're not in the loop.

In a lot of ways, taking orders
is the more challenging job.

That's nice to hear, but ditto.

Commander-level stuff is hard.

Just the constant tightrope
walk of protocol.

Not worth the pesto.

Guess the carpet's always grayer

- on the other side of the ship.
- Big-time.

[laughter, chatter] - T'ANA: Do
they know what "stacked" means?

We're [bleep] stacking for what reason?

FREEMAN: Hold on.

That's what this has all been about.

That drills consultant made us suffer

through all of this crap

just so we'd understand
what the other ranks go through.

That's the actual drill here.

Ugh, you're right!

Where is that
tri-bodied little trickster?

I want to shake her hand.

Yo, Shari Yingo Yango,

- we figured you out, girl.
- You did?

Yeah, these drills were
secretly about team building.

You came in to make us
appreciate each other more.

And it worked! Thanks to you,
the Cerritos crew will

move forward with greater empathy

and a deeper
appreciation for each other.

[laughs]

Oh, no, you won't be moving
forward at all.

[cackling]

- [cackling]
- What are you...

What is she laughing about?

Oh, come on.

Your drills scores
are well below failing.

Once they're submitted,
Starfleet Command will

relegate and reassign this entire crew.

So this wasn't about teamwork?

Teamwork? No.

This was about saving my job.

The bigger ships always passed
my drills with no problem.

It was starting to seem like we didn't

need a drills program at all.

This one needed a crew to fall short

to prove the drills were still valuable,

and, oh, did I find a crew.

You targeted us for failure?

This is a ship whose captain
left four ensigns

on a spacewalk to answer
a distress call.

It was a pretty safe bet.

And, of course, it didn't hurt
to goose the drills a bit.

Oh, I knew it. That mirror
universe drill was rigged.

They were all rigged! [laughs]

And those horses. I would never
get trampled by a horse.

Oh, actually, no,
the horses weren't rigged.

I ran out of time. That one's on you.

Horses love me. Shut up!

We won't let you get away with this.

Cerritos crew, we've got
to do more drills

- to get our scores up.
- It's too late.

Once the drills have been failed,

you're locked out.

Soon this one
will submit your final scores

to Starfleet, and that will be
the end of...

Wait, shut up, the drills aren't over.

- One is still active.
- What? Which one?

- It's Boimler!
- How?

That Borg drill should've
been over hours ago.

Well, it doesn't matter.

One passing score will make
little difference.

- If the drills aren't finished...
- Our scores aren't final!

Boimler, can you hear me?

Hey, Mariner, I was just about
to close out this drill.

- I finally got a perfect...
- FREEMAN: Don't you finish that drill, Ensign.

That's an order!

Captain, but I b*at
the Borg Queen in chess,

- and I taught her empathy.
- Just stay in that drill!

The crew is counting on you.

Yeah, Shari Bing Bang
is trying to screw us,

but she can't until your drill is over.

- Just keep Borging!
- I'm on it.

Resistance is futile.

Aw, man.

You know you've already lost, right?

All you're doing is
torturing that young officer.

He'll be fine. He's one of our best.

- He is?
- None of you are the best.

You're on a California Class ship.

Most of the Federation
doesn't even know you exist.

The smaller the ship,
the tougher the crew.

Oh, please, face the truth.

This one's made the drills.

This one's read all about life
on starships.

Exactly. You've read
how to work in space,

but have you ever been in a real
life-or-death situation?

- That doesn't matter.
- It's about to.

Captain on deck! Real captain.

Ensign Tendi, run a long-range
scan for any potentially

hazardous anomalies in this system.

Yes, sir. Is this a new drill?

Oh, no, this is real.

What is that supposed to mean?

All right, let's see, we've got
a tetryon wormhole,

chroniton radiation stream.

Ooh, a loner crystalline entity,

a crystalline entity
consuming a rogue planet,

a couple crystalline entities
getting frisky... huh.

Lots of, lots of
crystalline entities today.

Must be crystalline entity
season or something.

Ensign, set an intercept course

for one of those crystalline entities.

- Warp four.
- Aye aye, Captain!

"The Crystalline Entity"
is drill number .

A classic. Can't wait.

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, no!

No, no, no, no, no. [yelps]

Come on, Mariner, whatever
you're doing up there, hurry!

Aah! Borg Queen!

Uh, how-how's the empathy?

We were able to assimilate it.

No, no, no, no, no, my score!

Captain, we've reached
the crystalline entity.

It appears to be feeding on
unstable nebula radiation.

Oh, my, it's bigger
than this one thought.

Unstable, huh?

Seems like something
we should investigate.

Shields up, take us in.

What? No! In my drill,
you're never supposed to...

This isn't a drill.

[whimpering]

Shields holding, Captain,

but I'm reading transphasic
energy within the perimeter.

That's a new one.
Let's get a closer look!

No! We don't know
the effect of... [screaming]

Controls are getting choppy.

MARINER: We're caught
in an electromagnetic

resonance belt.
I think we're in trouble!

This is not good!

Whoa! [screaming]

[whimpering]

Mariner, I really need
to get out of here. Like now!

- [blowing]
- Ooh.

[chuckles] Kinda tickles.

A remarkable creature.

Your design very nearly passes as human.

- I am human.
- Oh!

Wow. Then you need to drink more water.

Your skin is a mess.

But still, I think I should add
your biological distinctiveness

to our own; it's kind of our thing.

Are-are you sure? Because I've got

hay fever and acid reflux.

Adding me might result in a net
negative for the collective.

[screaming]

Oh, this one's gonna puke. [cries out]

We need to fire a graviton
pulse to punch a hole out.

On my mark. Mmm...

Say "mark"! Say "mark"!
What are you waiting for?!

Just making sure you're as
scared as you're going to get.

- You're [bleep] crazy!
- Mark!

Full impulse!

[Shari screaming]

Mariner, find me something else
dangerous to scan.

I'm in the mood for a black hole.

- Why?!
- We're gonna keep doing this

until you change our score.

There's a black hole feeding on
a temporal rift

just three systems over.
Lots of time quakes.

Sounds perfect. Maximum warp.

You can't blackmail me at
the expense of your crew.

They do this kind of work every day.

You gonna give us a passing grade,

or are we just gonna keep seeking out

dangerous situations for you

to see up close?

[crying out]

Stop! Stop! We can't!

[screaming]

Get me out of here! Get me out of here!

[whoops] We could do this all day, lady!

[alert blaring]

All right, fine. You win, you win!

There, it's done. You've passed.

Mr. Rutherford, stop our spin.

Aye, Captain.

[grunts] What? But the
temporal black hole...

Well, that was kind of a lie.
It's just a regular black hole.

Yeah, no biggie.

Which you would have known
if you weren't

a total fraud.

I'll be sure to put that in my report.

- [cheering, whooping]
- [groans]

Boimler! We did it. Hey, it's all good.

You can exit the drill now.

Boimler?

♪

I can him hear him shuffling
around in there.

Mr. Boimler! You can come out now.

You saved the ship!

There is no Boimler.
I am Excretus of Borg.

Get him out of there!

[groans weakly]

Assimilate. I must assimilate!

I, uh... [whimpering] Where am I?

You're still on the Cerritos,
Mr. Boimler.

The crew owes you a debt of gratitude.

I was assimilated.
They-they put implants up my...

Ear is where they put the implants.

Right in your ear.
Come on, pal, you need a drink.

Did I, did I get my perfect score?

You sure did. A hundred percent.

Hell yeah. Hit me. Hit me again.

Shari Yn Yem is no longer
working for Starfleet.

Apparently she stepped down
because of on-the-job stress.

Feels good, ruining a jerk's career.

Agreed. And there was
one thing she did manage

to teach us today.

Whoa, new replicator?

Let's just say we experienced

what the lower decks have been eating,

and noticed it could
use some improvement.

We updated this one with most of
the senior officer menu codes.

We get pesto?!

If you're going to be facing danger

on a daily basis,

might as well get the good stuff.

Thanks, guys. Aw, this is really nice.

Ooh, ooh, does it make
the lobster mac and cheese

with the breaded top?

SHAXS: Sounds like the one thing

the Borg left you with

- was your appetite.
- [laughter]

BOIMLER: They took
everything that I was.