03x05 - The New Old School

[bunniefuu]

There you are.

Why aren't you in bed?

I just put the moves on your pillow.

I remembered that Emme has to
do a "My Life" project for school

and she asked for some baby pictures.

Project, school, baby.

These are not sexy words.

I can't find any of Emme.

We have a ton of the
older kids. You see?

We have Kate and Teddy, each
going potty for the first time.

Look at the boy strainin'.

Face like a frustrated tomato.

Well, what happened?
It's like we started off

as good parents and
then we just gave up.

Okay, let's look at it
in baseball terms, okay?

We won the first two
games of the series,

and then we phoned in the third.

We were saving our bullpen.

Wait a minute. Didn't
I ask you to put a box

of old baby pictures in
the top of Kate's closet?

I don't know. You tell me to put
a lot of boxes a lot of places.

Come on, help me get them down.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.
What if we fooled around,

- then got the pictures?
- Oh, honey,

if you're that worked up,

just finish what you
started with my pillow.

I don't even know if your
pillow likes me like that.

Shh. We don't want to wake her up.

She's our favorite.

That's not funny.

Kate.

What are you doing? Did you sneak out?

Why am I still whispering?

Downstairs. Now.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

This is her first sneak-out. Hold on.

- Oh! It's a keeper.
- Yeah.

Kate, why would you sneak out?

Was it boys? Booze? Boys and booze?

No, it wasn't like that.
I-I was at Shelby's.

We both like A55-4U.

Wh-What is that?

What is that? Some new drug? Huh?

Andi, get me a frying pan and an egg.

We're doing the "brain on dr*gs" thing.

No, no, no! It's-it's a band I like.

Okay, well, if that's true,

why didn't you just tell
us you were going out?

Because it's a school night,
and I knew Dad wouldn't let me.

It's like I'm in jail.

Oh, well...

we don't want you to
feel like a prisoner.

Yes, we do.

This is a prison, and
your sentence is 18 years.

Hold on.

Maybe we should hear
what she has to say.

She did her talking when
she climbed out her window.

- Adam.
- Andi!

- Dad!
- You go to your room.

This is so unfair!

I was just listening to music!

Katie stomping up the stairs...

that's music we listen to every day!

Hilarious!

Adam.

Wait for the door slam.

- What are you doing?
- What are you doing?

I am thinking about our daughter, okay?

Caring about how your children feel

is part of being a modern parent.

Oh, modern parenting
is ruining our country.

Okay? We coddle our kids

so that everyone thinks they're special.

You know who was
special? Mary Lou Retton.

Oh, this is gonna take a while.

Yeah. Settle in.

Did Mary Lou Retton get a hug

when she fell off the balance beam?

No. She got screamed at
by an angry, old Romanian.

So she dug deep and won the gold.

Well, maybe Mary Lou
would've been happier

if she'd gotten a few
more hugs. Uh-huh, yeah.

You know what feels better than a hug?

Kicking Russia's ass in gymnastics!

And while I feel like
I have the upper hand,

there's something else I want to say

that I have been holding
in for a long time.

This all goes back

to sleep training.

Oh, my God. That was 15 years ago!

Since the beginning of time,

kids have figured out
how to go to sleep.

They cried until they got
bored, and when no one came in,

they nodded off.

And those cave kids
were so well-rested,

they invented fire!

But then, in the year 2003,

some parents decided
that they knew better.

And those parents...
are sitting on our couch.

I know we agreed to let Kate cry it out,

but I couldn't do it.

All right?

And when I picked her
up, she loved me so much.

Well, I hope it was worth it.

Because I can draw a direct line

between you picking Katie up

to her climbing through a window.

Modern parenting.

Well, I don't want
our kids sneaking out.

I don't know.

Maybe... maybe... I've
been too easy on her.

Yes.

And maybe... maybe...

we need to shake things up,
get this thing back on track.

No, I-I can see that.

I mean, you know,
somewhere between cave kids

and angry Romanians,
you made a good point.

Okay. You're in charge.

Really?

Yeah. What do you want to do?

I have dreamed about this moment.

Okay, first of all, no more modern.

We are going old school. Shock and awe.

Huh? But you got to back me up.

Oh, you-you have my word.

I won't even give her
the pizza bagel I made

'cause she was hungry from sneaking out.

I'll take it. Dads eat first.

That's old school.

So, Emme,

obviously, I took a million
baby pictures of you,

but I can't find any of them

because your old babysitter stole them.

Yeah, yeah, she, uh,

she-she sent them to a modeling agency

since you're so darn cute.

But don't try to track
those pictures down.

That modeling agency was
swallowed by a giant whale.

Uh-huh.

So, for your school project,

we are going to...

- fake a baby picture.
- Pop in this binky,

and we'll take one from
far away so you look small.

Oh, my God! Mom!

Dad took my door!

Welcome to the old school.

Katie, you have shown
that you can't be trusted.

This way,

I can keep track of your every move.

Plus, what are you gonna
slam now, Slammy Davis Jr.?

Why do we have so many doors?

This seems hard. Have you considered

just letting it be her
boyfriend's problem someday?

Oh-ho-ho-ho.

What are you doing?

Katie is in her closet laughing it up

with her friend on the phone.

She is in trouble. Why is she laughing?

- Well...
- I'll tell you why.

Okay, you go.

Modern parenting.

Oh, that's it?

I thought you were gonna
talk for ten minutes again,

and I was gonna go grab a
granola bar for sustenance.

She doesn't get to be happy.

In old school, no one is happy.

Look at any old-timey
picture. Miserable!

Mm.

Eh-eh-eh?

Busted.

For what?

Excessive laughing.

You just lost your closet door, missy.

Andi, get my tools.

Why don't you just take her phone?

That's smarter.

And meaner.

You just lost your phone, missy.

She'll call you back in a few years.

Wait, hold on.

I need that. I'm doing a
group project for Spanish.

Oh. Okay, well, if it's for school,

you can have a phone. I'm reasonable.

I'm not reasonable.

Enjoy your new phone.

It's so old; is it for
talking to dead people?

From now on, this...

is the only phone you
are allowed to use.

And I can keep an eye on you,
because you can only go as far

as the cord will reach.

I got to make that cord shorter.

Where'd you even get that thing?

Where's our phone?

Adam said he needed it.

He better not be calling long distance.

So, I'll start the presentation

by saying, "La historia
de los conquistadores

es muy fascinante."

Enjoying your breakfast?

I know this is annoying,
but it is all gonna pay off.

Spoon?

Thank you.

And then you'll say, "Yo no sabia eso."

I'll bet she's saying curse words.

She's real mad at you.

Good. By the way,

part of our old-school rules,
kids clean up after themselves.

Can you please put your
dirty glass in the sink?

Happy to.

Mm-hmm.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I will clear the table.

Yeah, that's good.

And then I'll say,

"Los conquistadores
eran guerreros viciosos."

All right.

Katie, honey...

let me show you something.

Adam, do we have a...

time frame on how long
this is gonna take?

I mean, when do we know we won?

When she says, "I was wrong.
You were right. I'm sorry."

You know, that thing I
always end up saying to you.

But you're so good at it.

Practice does make perfect.

Kate was outside speaking
Spanish into my telephone.

If that was an international
call, you're paying for it.

Hey, Dad, you're gonna love this.

Since we caught Katie sneaking out,

I have been making her life miserable

with some tough, old-school parenting.

Oh, really giving her the business, huh?

Oh, I am locked in.

I was up all night thinking of
different ways to bum Katie out.

So you're turning your life upside down

- to teach a kid a lesson?
- Yeah.

That's the furthest thing from
old school I've ever heard.

What? What? You don't get it.

I took Katie's bedroom door.

A door is like a teenager's
favorite thing, and I took it!

That is stone-cold old.

Son, when you were a kid,

I didn't even know if you had a door.

That's old school.

We believed in fresh air for kids.

Every morning, we just put
you outside like a milk bottle.

What?

Oh, no.

Adam, what's wrong, honey? Are...? Oh.

Are-are you sad 'cause your dad
didn't know if you had a door?

What? It's worse than that.

I'm a modern parent.

Bev, he seems upset.

Give him one of your muscle relaxers.

I can't believe this. I'm so modern,

I don't even know what
old school is anymore.

I'm like a cat wearing a dog costume.

Well, you've always been sensitive.

Remember that time

you stood in front of
the lobster t*nk crying?

I was six.

You told me to pick my favorite one.

I didn't know what
was gonna happen next.

They put the bib on him,

- and all hell broke loose.
- Yeah.

Well, don't b*at yourself up.

I mean, you're not so modern.

You still hose down the
driveway in your bathrobe.

That's just to give the
neighbor ladies a thrill.

Hey,

Grandma, do you have that
baby picture for my project?

I sure do, honey.

- There you go.
- Thanks.

- Hmm.
- Wow.

Did you see that? We didn't have

what Emme needed, so she asked Bev.

She's resourceful.

- Yeah, we raised her right.
- Yeah.

She's the one we raised the least.

That's true.

We did the best job with Emme
by barely doing the job at all.

That's what we should
be doing with Katie.

Back off and let life
teach her some lessons.

Oh, I like it. I can
really get behind that,

instead of fake getting behind
what you were doing before.

Yes, you can, because
I re-figured this out.

I thought I was old school,
but I was really new school.

Now I need to go old old school.

You already talked more about this

than I've talked about
you in your entire life.

I keep looking for a way to leave,

but he just won't stop. Yeah.

You know what?

Keep the phone. Life's too short.

Your mother and I have decided to go

with a different punishment.

From now on, we're gonna
give you more freedom.

How do you feel about that?

- I... like it?
- Hmm.

Well, you won't for long,

because in real life,
there's consequences.

Yeah, you think we're tough?

Life's a real son of a g*n.

Yes, it is, so good luck
running your own life.

Cool. I'm going to a
concert Thursday night.

- What?
- Andi, that's her decision.

- Yeah, but that's a school night.
- Mm-mm-mm.

You know, for your first choice,

- I was expecting...
- Mm-mm-mm.

...something small, like, you know,

swimming right after you eat.

But I can still go, right?

Absolutely.

And on Friday morning,

when you're too tired

to learn anything at school,
and you don't get into college,

and you end up a milky-eyed
drifter, that's on you.

Enjoy sleeping in a boxcar.

Come on!

This guy's climbing a jungle gym.

He does not deserve the
title of "ninja warrior."

Adam, I don't like this.

I mean, Kate is at a
concert on a school night.

I mean, what's she
doing? Is she dancing?

Is she vaping? What's vaping? I...

Stay strong.

Remember Emme?

I mean, remember how
we didn't remember Emme?

Lady Gaga would say she
was just born that way.

I don't care what the Lady of Gaga says.

I am Adam of Pittsburgh,
and I say we need to back off

and let Katie learn about consequences.

Okay.

But maybe I'll just
google the band to see

if there's any news
stories from the venue.

You do what you need to
do. I want no part of it.

Okay.

Oh, hey, what was the
name of that band again?

It was a bunch of letters and numbers.

I could do this.

I should try out for this.

Oh, hey.

Emme, honey, do you remember the name

of that band that Kate likes?

Yeah, it's A55-4U.

Ah.

God, Emme's great.

A55-4U. Huh.

What does that even mean?

You know, when we were kids,
bands had names that made sense.

Like... Men Without Hats.

You knew what they were, and
you knew what their problem was.

- Wait, wait, wait. Look at this.
- Mm.

When I typed it out, the
two fives look like S's.

"A55-4U" is really... "Ass-For-You."

Oh, we're gonna lose the next w*r.

Okay, well, there's no
bad news from tonight's

Ass-For-You concert
at... Obermeyer College?

What? The concert's at a college?

Where college boys are?

Yeah, and-and their college-boy beds.

That's the thing about
college boys... they have beds!

- Yeah.
- The hell with this. I'm calling her.

You didn't give her back her phone?

You didn't remind me to
give her back her phone!

You didn't tell me to remind
you to give her back her phone!

This consequen...

This consequences thing
is happening to us!

Life is a son of a g*n!

We-we have to go get her.

Yeah, okay. Oh, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.

If we go down there,

she'll know we couldn't
old-school her, either.

Okay.

What if we send someone else
down there to go check on her?

Way to find a loophole, baby!

But what kind of weirdo
grown-ups do we know

that would drop everything to
go to an Ass-For-You concert?

Thanks for the tickets, Adam.

Ass-For-You is my workout jam.

Lowell, have you seen Katie?

Not yet.

Put Don on the phone.

Oh, good idea. He'll spot her.

He's so tall, he can see everything.

He's like Google Earth.

Go for Don.

Any sign of Katie?

No dice. I even stood
outside the girl's bathroom

for a half hour until
security told me to move along.

We need to find Katie!

Don't worry, brother.

You got the right two
guys on this mission.

Lowell?!

I-I'll tell you what.

I'll find Lowell first,
and then I'll find Katie.

Adam, I'm worried.

And I love you enough to tell you

that if anything happens to her,
the media is gonna blame you,

and I am not gonna be that
wife that sticks up for you.

Screw it. Let's go get our girl.

Oh, yeah.

And after all that modern parenting,

- Kate can't survive on her own.
- Yeah.

She's like a monkey raised in captivity.

Yeah, we can't set her free now.

She'll never find her own bananas!

Ah! Our monkey's safe!

Oh, you came home. I'm so proud of you.

- Oh. You are?
- Yeah.

Yeah, you realized
that going to a concert

on a school night was not smart.

Old school works.

No, I still wanted to go to the concert,

but no one else was allowed to go.

The other parents think
you guys are crazy.

I'd expect some angry calls.

Oh. So you didn't learn any lessons?

Not as far as I know.

Don't look at me. I wanted to hug her.

So, what happens now? Can
I still do whatever I want?

Huh.

Yeah, that's what I think: huh.

That's a confusing answer.

It sure is.

And it's supposed to be,

because that was our plan all along.

That's right. All along, we had a plan.

Yeah. We wanted to keep you guessing

by veering wildly from
crazy strict to super easy.

Crazy strict, super easy.

Where are we? You don't know.

Yeah. You...

are in the hands of masters here.

Ha! Masters!

Yeah, so go to your room.
And do whatever you want.

I... I don't know.

- Well, we squeaked through that one.
- Yeah.

If she hadn't come home,
we would've gone to get her.

Yeah. We're not new
school, or old school,

or old old school.

We got expelled from every school.

We have no power because
we love 'em too much.

Mm.

You know, kids... they lock you
in early with their cuteness,

and then you're screwed.

So, how do you control someone you love?

Wait. How did you get me
to go see Mamma Mia on Ice?

I locked you in early with my cuteness,

and now you're screwed.

Ah, so I guess we just white-knuckle it

till Katie's out of the house.

Mm, maybe we let her be
her boyfriend's problem,

go with Don's solution.

Scary times.

Hey, party people.

Lowell, what happened? Are you okay?

It was the greatest night of my life.

I got swept up in the crowd,

and someone gave me a breath mint

that made me love everybody.

Good night, Mom. Good night, Dad.

You guys, look.

I found Kate.