03x13 - The Intervention(s)

[bunniefuu]

Previously on
Man with a Plan...

My little sister's here.
Hey, Kelly.

Why did you--
When did you come here?

They fired you? What happened?

I embezzled a tiny bit of money.

I'm jealous of you.

I guess this is like
The Tortoise and the Hare.

I'm the sleek, sexy bunny

losing to you,
the slow, scaly turtle.

Thanks for coming by.
We wanted you here

because we're having
an intervention.

Okay, hold on, a lot of people
drink wine at lunch.

No, Marcy, it's
not for you.

Oh, this better not be
about me and the dog track.

You said you weren't going
to the track anymore.

I'm not.

Look, the intervention
is for Lowell.

Kelly's got
her hooks

in him and
it's my fault.

Oh, honey, we're not assigning
blame out loud.

Look, we need your help
convincing Lowell to dump her

because she's
bad for him.

Yeah. And me. Since Kelly
moved in with him,

Lowell hasn't been
at work all week.

He's got stacks of whatever
he does piling up.

The longer this goes on,

the worse it's gonna be for him

when she breaks his heart.
He's my friend.

I can't sit by
and let that happen.

We're in. These things
are open bar, right?

I'm asking
for a friend.

Hey, Dad.

Hey, your mother told me

you're having an intervention.

Are we straightening out
the boozer or the gambler?

Okay, that's Lowell. Wait,
wait, wait, one more thing,

I have watched every episode
of Intervention, okay?

It is intense, emotional,
and almost never works.

Good luck, everybody.

Hey, Lowell.

Oh, you got a little
something all over here.

I grew a goatee.

Oh, well, that makes sense.

You love animals
and now your face

looks like a raccoon
walking away.

It was Kelly's idea
and I like it.

I get to stroke it
when I think about stuff.

That sounds fun.
Maybe I'll grow a...

No, baby.

Don, why don't you get
Lowell a glass of wine?

Oh, actually, Kelly's
gotten me into scotch.

At first
it was awful,

but now that it b*rned off
all my taste buds, I love it.

Okay, buddy, h-have a seat.

Why is everyone
so serious?

Is it my goatee? It does
set a mood of sexy danger.

No, no. No,
we're serious

because we're having
an intervention.

Oh.

Well, I think Marcy
drinks a normal amount.

It's not for Marcy.

Although, we should probably
put one on the books for her.

No, it's for you.

Lowell, we love you,

and we feel like
we're losing you.

They say that every
time on the show.

It's how you
kick things off.

What are you talking about?
Kelly.

We're worried that you're
happier than us

because she's so foxy.

No.

We're worried
because you are a good,

trusting person,
and Kelly is,

well, the devil.

She will ruin you.
You got to end it with her.

No. I'm grateful for all the
things she brought into my life.

Before her, I never knew
I loved scotch.

Like an angel's tears.

Look, Kelly is my sister, and
I know her better than anyone.

I don't think so.
I know Kelly intimately.

Only 64 other men
in the world can say that.

Boy, it sounds like people are
having a lot of fun out there.

Kelly and I
exchanged stats.

If we compare how many women
we've been with, we're tied.

Okay, fine.
If you won't listen to us,

then listen to him. Dad,
go ahead. Scare him straight.

All right!

Listen here, Lowell.

You've made a lot of changes.
Let's start with the beard.

I like it.

Dad.

I thought we were fixing
the old Lowell,

but this one's hairy
and drinks scotch.

Rolling around town
with a cute broad.

I enjoy you, son.
I used to be you.

Thank you, Joe.

Lowell, I got your text.
Are you okay?

No, they want to break us up.

Is this true?

In our defense, we were trying
to do it behind your back.

Should've known you were coming.
I saw a bat fly by the window.

♪ ♪

Why would you try
to break us up?

Look, I don't like
confrontation,

but I'll just come out
and say it. Adam, say it.

I'll say it. You're not
good enough for him.

What with you being
the devil and all.

You know, when I started
dating Lowell,

I wasn't good enough for him,
but he changed me.

I've never had a man
so supportive and tender,

and then not tender when it's
"not tender time."

And there's someone else
I haven't been good enough for,

and that's you, Andi.

I have been a terrible sister,

but I don't want to compete
with you anymore.

I just want to love you.

Aww!

Aww?

We are not aww-ing,
we're boo-ing.

She's never said anything
like that to me before.

We are supposed
to be a team.

We are a team, but--
I don't know--

we lost them.
Read the room, man.

Okay, well, Lowell,

I have some information
that will show you

what kind of person
Kelly really is.

She told us that
she's just using you

to get an instant family.
Try to deny it.

I don't.
She already told me.

I see.

Well, that was my big finish.

Now I got nothing left except
I think you dress too fancy.

Too fancy, am I right, guys?

I like it. She's classy
like Lady Bird Johnson.

Oh, come on.

You guys aren't really buying
this new Kelly, are you?

I admit it's hard to believe,

but without love and honesty,
you can't be happy.

That's just another life lesson

I learned from my
furry little friend.

Aww!

Stop doing that.

You stop.

Yeah, leave these
two kids alone.

Yeah, why can't you
let people be happy?

You've never done that
once in your life.

I know, but I like to watch it.

Guys, don't
g*ng up on Adam.

He was just trying to do what he
thought was best for his friend,

and I think
that's amazing.

All right.

This is over. I am intervening
on this intervention.

Everybody go home.

How about a hand

for a very brave man

who stood up for
what he believed in?

Go home, or I'm gonna
call the cops.

Adam, I believe
Kelly's changed.

You believe that because you've
always wanted a sweet sister.

A good con man sells you
what you already want to buy.

Yeah, but if she has

the nice, pretty thing I want
to buy, why can't I buy it?

One of my favorite things
about you

is that you always see
the best in people,

but it's also why you
bought a case of candy bars

from a 30-year-old
claiming to raise money

for his high school
baseball team.

He was dyslexic.
They held him back.

14 times?

You need to wise up, lady.

Okay, I-if you're so wise,
then what's my sister's motive

for pretending to be a good
person and care about Lowell?

She just got fired.

She's looking for
a soft landing, and Lowell

is a walking
marshmallow.

There is no way she's all of
a sudden a different person.

She wasn't completely rotten
when we were kids.

You know, one time she found
a three-legged kitten

and she nursed it
back to health.

Oh, really?
How do you know that kitten

didn't have four legs
when it met her?

Honey, I just don't want
to see you get hurt

when Kelly goes back
to her old ways,

which you know she's gonna do.
She doesn't care about family.

The first time she held
our daughter in her lap,

Katie was ten.

That's too late and weird.

Look, I'm happy to have Kelly
back in my life.

Great, now I got you
and Lowell to worry about.

You know what?
If you won't listen to me,

I'll go find someone else
to talk some sense into you.

Honey.

You're at the bottom of a hole

and you're trying to get out
by digging deeper.

That's the Adam Burns way.

I'll dig so deep I'll hit water
and sh**t back up to the top.

"sh**t back up
to the top"?

It's a hole,
not a cartoon fire hydrant.

Will you just talk
to Andi, please?

Tell her you agree with me?

I don't agree with you.
I like Kelly.

I get tired of looking at the
same nine people every day.

Then do it for me
because I'm your son.

Sorry, boy, I'm Team Kelly.

You need somebody
more pliable,

that you can manipulate.

Don!

Just the guy
I'm looking for.

Listen, I'm worried
about Andi,

and I'm worried
about Lowell.

I think you and I need to band
together and get rid of Kelly.

Oh. This is awkward.

What?

Here you go. Oh.

Hey, Adam. Hey.

What's she doing here?

I asked him to take me
to the dog track,

show me the ropes.

She cares about
my interests, Adam.

Plus, she's willing
to say she's a diabetic

to get the good seats.

Oh-ho, you're good.

Nobody cares about
his interests.

All right, I'll let you two
have some brother time.

All right,
see you later, Kel-Bell.

Kel-Bell?

Yeah, and she calls me Don-Don.

We're Kel-Bell and Don-Don.

This isn't gonna work.

She already charmed you.

I need somebody with
a heart of stone!

Marcy, there
you are.

I've been looking
all over for you.

Oh, hey, Adam.

Oh, come on.

We just keep
running into each other.

Why are you with her?

Kelly showed up
at my pottery class.

And you don't think
that's suspicious?

It's never suspicious
when someone likes pottery.

It's the world's
oldest hobby.

Isn't that right,
Kellybean?

What happened to Kel-Bell?
You a bell or a bean?

You can call me "sis."

Never.

Wh...?

Seriously?

Oh, hey, Adam.

How did you get
here so quick?

I knew I shouldn't have
stopped at Arby's.

My sister brought me
flowers in a vase

she made herself.

It's just a
little token

to show how much
you mean to me.

Aw, I've missed you,
Kelly-Belly.

Oh, now the bean bell
has a belly.

Well, I better go.

I'm volunteering
at the animal hospital.

Hey, you know who
Adam reminds me of?

That kitten I took in.

He was a brave little guy
just like you.

How many legs that kitten have
when you met it?

Adam, stop it.
She's being sweet.

Let me tell you something.
Look, all day,

I have been going to our friends
to enlist their support,

and you know who's been there
every time doing the same thing?

Kell-Bell, Kellybean,
Kelly Belly!

What kind of crazy person
does that?

You just said you do.

Look--

Come on, honey,
don't you think you're

starting to spin out a little?

I mean, maybe she's just going
to see our friends

because she wants
relationships with them.

Or...

she's tracking me.

I'm under
surveillance, Andi.

What?
Tracking devices.

Aren't you listening?

I bet she is.

I'm on to you, Kelly.

What's all this?

Adam, we love you

and we feel like
we're losing you.

What?

It's an intervention, man.

You're too upset
because Kelly's so foxy.

Thanks, Don-Don.

You're having an
intervention for me?

We want to talk about
how you're treating Kelly.

We like Kelly.
We like her more than you.

I appreciate that
you're looking out for me,

but I love being
Kelly's boyfriend.

I'm darn proud to be number 65.
Oh.

And I love having
my sister back.

You know how sometimes you just

go along with things
to make me happy?

Do that now.

Okay, if she's so wonderful now
and really cares about Lowell,

then she'll be able to answer
a simple question about him.

Kelly, when's Lowell's birthday?

February 11.

February 11, huh?

Is that right, Lowell?

I don't know, is it, Adam?

Okay, I got out
over my skis on that one.

How about this?

When is Andi's birthday?

June 15.

You better not ask
me if that's right.

Okay, this is a waste of time.

I know I know what I know
and I'm not wrong about her.

You're all the wrong ones.

Wrong, wrong, wrong,

wrong, evil, wrong.
Right!

That intervention
was a dirty trick.

Hey, you were talking
to flowers.

I mean, they put people
in hospitals for that.

I'm sorry.

I just don't believe
people change.

You did.
What?

Before we got married,

you never talked
about your feelings.

Well, I don't want
to talk about that.

And you had a hard time
admitting when you were wrong.

I disagree.

And you had a real black
shoe, white sock problem.

I was into Michael Jackson.

But I stuck with it
too long.

Right, when you see
evidence that you're wrong,

you-you always
come around.

So give Kelly a chance.

Oh, God...

I'll think about it.

Hey, Kelly.

Uh, thanks
for stopping by.

Uh, here,
have a seat.

No problem.

The new me always comes
when family calls.

But I hope you're not gonna
say anything hurtful,

because the new me's heart
is much more sensitive.

Oh, no, no.

No, actually...

I wanted to apologize.

A-And as a peace offering,

I got you some hummus.

Which, I am told, is
yogurt for fancy people.

Here's a spoon.

Oh, I just had
a tub of hummus, but thanks.

Ah, o-okay.

Well, okay,
here's the thing.

Um...

I was judging you
on past behavior

and Andi pointed out
that people can change.

So, I wanted
to look you in the eye

and tell you I'm sorry.

Thank you.

That really means a lot.

Good. A-And, and I hope
we can put all this

behind us and start fresh.

Of course.

We're family.

We're gonna be
in each other's lives forever.

And it's just nice
to think that

when I sit across from you
at Thanksgiving,

I will know...

that I owned you.

What?

I got to admit,
you were tough.

I knew after
the intervention

that you were the only one
that wouldn't buy the new me.

I haven't changed at all.

In fact, I'm probably
a little worse.

So I was right.

Yeah, but I got you
acting so crazy

that you've lost
all credibility.

Which is why
I feel comfortable

sharing the truth
with you now.

No one will believe you.

Wow.

That's right.
Drink it in.

Oh, and another thing.

Hummus isn't yogurt,
you country bumpkin.

Oh, well, um, I'm sorry,
I-I didn't know, I...

Well, since you didn't eat it,
I guess...

I'll just make you
eat your words.

Andi.

Maybe you did
pull that kitten's leg off.

I-- He thinks he tricked me,
but I knew you were in there.

I just said that stuff

so you could see that he didn't
really mean his apology.

He drugged me.

This is so fun.

You see, what I did was,
I convinced Andi

to listen to make sure
I did a good job apologizing.

But I knew
you couldn't resist

rubbing it in
once I caved.

People don't change.

I wear white socks
when you go out of town.

Adam Burns for the win.

Yeah, that's right.
You may have fooled me,

but the man I married is
pathologically suspicious

and sometimes
that comes in handy.
Mm-hmm.

And I know what hummus is.

I was just trying to make
you eat it 'cause it's expired.

Now everyone
will believe me.

And-- Wait.
Where's Don and Marcy?

I told them to wait
in the pantry, too.

How much longer do we
have to be in here?

I don't know.

Adam just said
wait in the pantry.

Lowell, we're sorry Kelly's
not who you thought she was.

Thank you.
Yeah.

Maybe during this difficult
time, you'll find some comfort

in the fact
that I was right all along.

I can't believe this.

I changed so much for her.

I grew hair on my face

and got rid of it
everywhere else.

My whole body's
a five-o'clock shadow right now.

Lowell.

Kelly.

I've come to say good-bye.

I meant what I said.

I have loved our time together.

Is not being a good person
really a deal breaker?

Historically,
it's been important.

Although you set
a high bar sexually,

so maybe from time to time
we could just...

No.

- Maybe just sexy Skype?
- No.

Lowell, go upstairs
while we secure the premises.

Maybe use my razor and shave.

Just the face.

I'll be outside.

I am very sorry
for all the hurt I...

Oh, wait, I don't have
to be nice anymore. Bye.

Well, you were right.

She is never gonna change.

Yeah. You can't pick
your family.

You are stuck with them.

But the good news is
I got to pick you,

and I definitely got
the good sister.
Aw.

And only 96 other
men can say that.

Hmm. What?

I'm kidding.

That's not funny.
I don't like that.